10:57 late Monday Night (19 Sep 2011)
The Cat and the Mouse
Why is it that no one thinks my cat is as awesome and as adorable as I do? This cat is the best cat. He sleeps on me at night. He doesn't try (too hard) to get away when I cuddle him. He chases flies and grasshoppers and thinks that maybe this is the time he can get through the glass terrarium to catch the fieldmouse who has been alive for too long and has had too many esape adventures ending with being in my cat's mouth.
He makes me happy.
On another note, Thena is gone. and I miss her dearly. I'm surprised I didn't cry when she left, probably because I don't cry around her, she is too positive for tears. I just wish she'd fucking face time me already, GOD. Also, I feel like I'm drifting away from my friends at Tea and kind of drifting away from everything lately.
I have a deadline at uni that I don't know that I can meet. and it's scary and I want to quit. I always want to quit. I'm a fucking quitter and I never do a god damned thing about it.
I threw up yellow stuff this morning. I thought there might have been some breakfast left over but I guess not. I felt better after I vommed but still didn't go to work "just in case." Then I was tempted to go to the store and buy a pregnancy test because throwing up in the morning for no reason, isn't that usually a symptom of something? But even though I take my pill not very regularly I still had a withdrawal bleed this month (it's almost TMI tuesday so here you go) so I don't think I'm prego.
And if I am...I might get an abortion because I've been having a beer every few days lately and I don't want the guilt of having damaged a human child while I was being stupid and making reckless reproductive decisions. Maybe I should go pee on a stick just in case.
I keep seeing beautiful art depicting attractive, slim, tall women. I wish I were tall. I'm already attractive and somewhat slim, but to be tall...I could be the supermodel my dad trolled me about when I was 6. eat nothing but celery and crackers and drink lemon juice or whatever it is that models drink to stay at a bmi of 12.
Um so I always liked to think of myself as a feminist and think that you should love your body no matter what but the other day Caleb bought me yoga pants that were on clearance but the smalls were too small...and I'm not used to smalls being too small. I can't decide whether I like being the size I am or if I should work my way back to where I was when I got married...I want to be able to wear my wedding dress and I'm getting to the point where It's really, really tight. i don't think it's just that my boobs are getting too big I think my waist is as well.
And at the same time when I look at myself in the mirror I think "god damn what a fine piece of ass." and when I see Caleb I think "mmmmm what a scrumptious man" except that lately he's gained a fair amount of weight too...I can see his pudge developing when he bends over to put on his pants. I don't think he is fat by any stretch but I can see him becoming fat (and me becomin fat) if we don't make some healthy lifestyle decisions soon.
argh blahblahblah i'm tired goodnight.