Wednesday, 6:36 a.m.   Bad Dreams It was so wonderful and so terrible all at the same time. I long for the days when all my dreams were happy in a good way. Sometimes I hate myself and then i try to tell myself i can't help this, and I just need to talk to this. This problem. Talk it out of being a problem anymore. Talk to my problem and solve everything, which hopefully results in a nice, neat, mental breakdown of feelings and thoughts.... and when we're done mopping spilled feelings and broken thoughts up again, we'll know for sure. Even though he got on the day after and asked me do I have leave because he really doesn't want me to. I wanted to cry and I wanted him to cry for making me cry. I wanted him to tell me who he liked, and that she wasn't me, so that I could shove him aside and go back to being sure of myself again. These are bad dreams with good outcomes and I hate the good dreams with bad outcomes. They are so good and when you realize it can never be, it hurts when you wake up in the morning. Bad dreams hurt when you're asleep but when you wake up at least you know and it doesn't hurt so bad as much anymore. ------- I try so hard to block these feelings out. They rip up my soul and they shred my heart and they consume my mind, but I'm not a stoic. I can never be a stoic. I've tried. I've tried so hard And I suppose just by trying like this I've failed miserably. In a lot of ways being a stoic would be fantastic. In even more, being a stoic would be horrible. I don't want to be the heartless bitch like I used to wish I was. The Ice Queen. My idol. I'm too warm and open to be closed and cold. Although it would be nice if I stopped wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I'm easier to ridicule when my face audibly lights up. You could hear the clicking noice of a flourecscent bulb going on behind my eyes and mouth when my smile widens and my eyes fill with wonder and infatuation. It's audible. -------------------------------- Day 5 I think it's over, but I won't celebrate until I've been without flow for at least 3 days. Otherwise, it will come back with fervor...