3:16 Mid Friday Afternoon (14 January 2011)

The Dance of a Free Soul

I have escaped from a funk.

A terrible trip into a land of anxiety and hopelessness and failure.

I did not escape on my own. There were many people who held my hand and tried to pull me up. Thank you. I love you. I have the best friends a girl could possibly ask for.

The exact moment I knew I could sleep at night again, without crying every time I think about going to work...I knew I could go into the lab without fear of seeing my coworkers and them wondering what happened to me...the moment I wanted to fix things....was the first day of the semester. January 10. I dreaded this day, petrified by fear, wondering if I should even register for classes.

unfortunately I knew that the first day of the semester was the day I was going to have to face my sins and failures and tell my boss (who had just returned from Finland that weekend) that I can't do this anymore and I quit.

I went to the classes for which I did manage to convince myself to register. I took the long way to everywhere so that I wouldn't risk running into my boss. I had lunch with the secretary for our lab, who had also been overseas last semester. I broke down to him, telling him about my angst and depression and that I didn't want to work here anymore because I was too much of a fuck up, I failed too hard, and that I failed even at realising I was a failure. He told me to talk to my advisor as soon as I was done with my classes for the day, and that he would support me and would talk to our boss and suss out his mood for me.

He texted me "he's in a good mood, just talked to him" and I felt even more anxious because the time was drawing closer and closer. I was just. ugh. ugh ugh.

Once that last class was over, I went to my office and tried to practice to our secretary what I was gonna say to my advisor...also trying not to cry...eventually, somehow, I pulled up my bootstraps and went to Dr. C's office, welcomed him back from Finland, and then broke down into tears and told him the whole story. That I was sorry I was such a failure and I don't know that I'm the right student for this project and that someone else would do a better job, etc. etc...pouring my heart and soul out and praying that for the love of god, please understand and be as undisappointed as possible...

He was more understanding than I could ever have hoped for, much more than I expected, and the jist of the story (now that it's too late to really be summed up) is that he was willing to pretend last semester never happened, that he was sorry that he essentially abandoned me..anyway.

twelve thousand pounds of pressure building over the last 6 months finally off of my chest.

I feel awesome.

2010 was a sorta shitty year.

2011 is looking up.