8:10 Wednesday Morning   Irresponsible The shoulder of my shirt smelled like him. It's a comforting smell. Doot do do, it's Wednesday already! And Friday is a Mufti Day! And Sunday is Halloween!!!!!!!!11!1!!111oneone!11! Hehehe, my days went from good to excellent to bad to sad to good and are now back at excellent. yay. ----------------- 5:25 p.m. My mouth is full of unsaid "I love you"s. I don't know what Love is anymore, All I know of Love is 1 Corrinthians chapter 13. And no one can know, no one can explain. If they could, it wouldn't be as fun. Do you just know these things? Why was it so easy to say with Scott, and now the whole thing feels cheap and lustful. He makes me feel more important than a museum's prize jewel, or Mummy, or other ancient rare artifact. But it's not just physical, he says. It's spiritual and it's intellectual, and we have limited experience. I might be his first. But he is so good at this, that I think maybe I'm his fourth. Maybe third. Maybe 17th, but somehow i don't think so. I wonder, though, if I can just throw them out left and right and convince myself I'm in love, then how will I ever know what love is? Did I ever really love Scott, because I know I feel stronger about Caleb, but I won't say "I love you" to Caleb. It's one of those stupid, overused, cliche life moments, and I wonder if I even care. This will be forever, this moment is forever. This moment is caught in the past to be read as much as it likes forever and ever, because it is now bits and bytes in the cyber universe, and now the whole world can know how I feel, and it makes me feel cheap. And I feel cheap and easy, like a two-dollar whore or a plastic, made-in-china McDonalds Happy Meal toy. Feeling: cheap ----------------- 8:49 p.m. Listening to: Our Lady Peace(Clumsy) It kind of makes me mad that Chelsea doesn't let me sing. I'd say she's jealous but that's probably not it. Probably I suck at singing. I also hate that I am not grand enough to realise that she's 5 years younger than me, and not as mature. Please don't give me crap about maturity. I'm just as mature as any normal 16-year-old girl, so you can shut up about any jokes "maturity! what maturity!" Thanks. Aw, im in a bad mood tonight. I had a really excellent dinner though. Peg is a really awesome cook, her vegetarian burritos were scrumptious. I give my sister a lot of crap, but cut me some slack, she's really annoying sometimes. Always in my face and tickling me, She hums crap and then gets mad when I sing. I don't know what to think, some people say i have a pretty voice and some people (chelsea) seem to hate it. Maybe people saying I have a pretty voice are lying. I wish I knew. When I was in 8th grade, I used to wish really hard that I knew what people were thinking about me. I desperately wanted to be accepted. I was weird, at the beginning, and then suddenly I stopped being so weird. I turned broody and quiet(ish). I hated myself. So now I don't hate myself, I'm still weird but not hyperactive weird all the time, I'm not very broody (although I still am a little quieter). I don't really care about acceptance anymore. But I still wish I could know what people are really thinking, as I dislike having to guess whether people are telling me the truth or are lying. People are so good at lying. We're taught how everywhere we look. Being honest gets you in trouble. It's just easier to let your friends believe they look great rather than telling them their shirt is rather unflattering. Or that they smell funny. I don't know. I don't know whether I like people or I hate them. I just feel lethargic and morose. I don't know why. I don't know much at all.