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Spring Cleaning Apr 17, 2014

After moving hosts a while back, apparently a few things got neglected, so I took it upon myself to get stuff working again. As it turns out, it was nothing crazy, but so far I've fixed:

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Recent Posts

You put it on me. (2)
A year from now I will be waiting for you to see who I really am in California. The same shit is still going on in the midwest, but I think something is on the move. I had always thought that I knew love and loss. But that was just a joke at the expense of my consciousness. Playing it as if I didn't do this to myself. Then I actually did manage to discover what it means to have the former and latter. She is married [now] while I just took a deep leap and became a knight of faith. Some things should be left unexplained and in the past, yet all a person really has in existence; is all of what their past was, which is the present sliding into the future. Therefore, you are not what you are, and you are what you are not. However, this time; I mean it when I say, "that I love you." Every inch of me and whatever is left is yours and only yours. I will let you objectify me and bite down. If you were to go now, I would be halved and unequalized. If you stay, we polish our eyes with hands of which constantly grasp out for more. Disgruntled. Flux and more flux. Interested and curious.

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Self-Interest. Rightly Understood. (1)
There isn't very much left of my life to be desired. The pursuit of philosophy and to continue my success in music publishing and on the track to become a session musician. Having the days spent piling through record stores and producing music with a certain level of skill. That is the goal and dream realized as of now. What then about everything else? The word sacrifice comes up and I can’t help but think thats all it takes. Something had to be given up and maybe I should continue to remove the last vestiges, smells, and tangled hairs. I have my true friends. I have my one and only family. I have new coworkers. I have the lover that I want. Anything else that crosses my threshold--of real and serious--will be cut out like cardboard. Within reason of course.

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Untitled (2)
All racists come in the many; that is different shapes, shades, and sizes. But they seem to all have the same fantasies in common. Fantasies of a better world than this one. Therefore, to be a racist is to be in league with fascists and pornographers. Searching for a form or figure to project all ideological insecurity into. They cower their reason into "rationality" as opposed to shoving reason in itself in to reality in and of itself. However, perversion is not limited to the racist alone, but rather, appeals to a certain 'idealist'. One who can't vibe with the fact that life just is what it is. Am I speaking of evil here or just value free politics? Whatever is the case my dear child, just know that your black is beautiful and all that is human was shaped out of your form. Your life matters in as much as anyone elses. And I will always hold you down proper. 

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1308 (7)
Another bout of missing my dog, Max.  It's been two months now since he's been gone.
I attempted to take pictures on our last day together with a film camera. 
I still have a love of film, kids, as cool as digital is nowadays.
But of course, all the pictures in the house were too dark and with a black dog it doesn't work in my favor.
I wish I could post pictures on here.  I'd show you. 
There's a basically black picture, but a white door you can barely see, and in the white space you can see my black blob of a dog.  Well, I can. 
No one else would know what that picture is supposed to be.
But I've seen that scene so many times over the last few years that I know what it is. 
And it breaks my heart that no one else knows what that picture is of. 
No one else knows.  
No one else has these memories or visions of my dog in the house. No one can see it.  Its just me. 
I feel so alone in these feelings. 
Its like your the only one that knows that someone else existed in your life so its up to you to remember them. 
With losing a spouse you know there's another family out there that has memories about this loved one. But there not the same kind as your memories.  In your own home you are the only one that remembers the things they did in the house, where they put the ketchup in the fridge, where they usually sat to watch TV, where they threw their socks, etc. Their parents and siblings don't go around remembering things like that because they haven't lived with them for awhile and not in your house.  Leaving you the only one staring at the kitchen chair remembering when they sat there and laughed their heads off at something they heard or saw that day.  No one else knows that they threw a spoonful of noodles at you that one time and how their laughter rung in your house. No one else knows the look on their face when you returned the favor. And every one of your family members who passes by you thinks you are weird for staring at a chair and/or crying about a simple kitchen chair. 
It becomes an overwhelming feeling of lonelines at times. 
No one else knows that picture is of my dog at the top of the stairs.
No one else knows the look on his face, in his eyes, the anticipation of "are you coming back up or are you leaving me?" wondering if he should follow me.
No one else knows the way his ears are when he seems to ask me this at the top of the stairs. 
No one else knows the way he looks when he's at the bottom of the stairs either looking up at me. In this case he is always thinking about going up the stairs simply cuz I went up, even if I tell him to stay, I'll be right back.
Those are private moments I saw daily in my own house that no one else experienced and I feel sad and alone that no one else knows that part of my dog. 
I know what that picture is of, but maybe a few years down the road I'll forget.  But for now, that picture of blackness is labeled "I know what this is". 
Of course, after losing a dog you see dogs everywhere you go. I saw the neighbors dog recently.  I didn't want to touch him in case I did something weird like hug him to death and start crying. He's not even two years old and as big as my dog was. 
And then I realized what I miss most:
When he stood at the top of the stairs and I crawled up them, an easier angle to sneak in and steal a kiss from his cheek as he looked down at me.  The reason I attempted to take that picture in the first place.
I miss sneaking in kisses to the top of his head.
I miss kissing him. 
I'm sure he doesn't tho.  
But honestly, I do have to say, I am afraid to love again. 
I want another animal, but I don't, because I know they will die in my lifetime.  
But I've heard the first time is always the hardest and it might get easier.
"Grief never ends... but it changes.  
It is a passage, not a place to stay.  
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...
It is the price of love." 

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Rambling nonsense (14)
It's the turnaround of the turnaround that I thought the turnaround was.
Energy increase is irregular, but energy decrease is regular.
"My pizza guy looked like a hotter Wayne from Wayne's World."

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Social normz (13)
Today during a training at work I had a surreal moment.
There were four people in the room, sitting on couches around a small coffee table laden with snacks. It was, basically, a pretty informal setting.
Getting comfortable, I noticed that the best way to sit on the old and awkward couch was with my feet tucked up under me.
Then I realized it's rude to put your shoes on the furniture. So I decided to take them off. 
Then I realized it's probably rude to take your shoes off during a work meeting, even if it's pretty informal as work meetings go.
So I asked if everyone was comfortable with me taking off my shoes.
One person seemed pretty uncomfortable with the idea, and said the same.
I explained my reasoning and she relaxed a little, but probably still didn't want me to take my shoes off. I just said I'd go ahead and not put my feet on the couch. Even though it was less comfortable that way. I didn't say that last part.
Anyway, a few minutes later I noticed she was wearing flip-flops. I could basically see her whole naked feet. Even if I had taken my shoes off, my feet would have been completely covered by my socks.
So clearly foot nudity level wasn't the issue. What was? I certainly don't know. 
tl;dr social conventions make no fucking sense.

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[2025] Coup de Grace (30)
I feel like I'm walking on a tight rope but its a welcome alternative.. anything over the constant feeling of falling backwards through the air. Maybe i thought the feeling was thrilling?.. i was intoxicated on ideas based on my own feelings not facts.. breeding reason out of thin air. But there was no end. Or maybe there was and it just happened. i guess it does feel as if i smacked into the earth. 
Anywho. That was probably the longest drawn out lesson of my life...   I feel like utter crap and better than i have in a long time.. the two feelings beg for my attention. Im not worried about it though. Its crazy how 1 word or thought can trigger a simple epiphany that explodes eith a million tiny epiphanies and everything suddenly starts making all kinds of stupid sense. And its stupid because i should have known in the first place.
I have too much to do to worry about all this anymore. I just dedicated 9 months of my life to anlost cause. I can think of a better use of 9 months... or could. I dont think i want that anymore. I dont know what i want.
Dont you hate when someone tells you their going through the smae thing as you.. like. For example if you told someone your uncle died and they responded with.. "oh yeah for sure i just lost my pet gold fish". Im not saying you cant get attached to a gold fish but come freaking on.. almost 12 years and 3 weeks are not compareable. (All uncles and fishies.. that i know of.. are fine.) Just saying. 
Its ok though. 
TheBirdistheWrd . Thats my instagram. Idk why I'm posting it. I haven't before and i dontsee a reason no to. Just bored i guess. 
My cat is trying to cuddle with my phone while i write this.. grr. Move yo face kitteh.
From now on I'm only caring about things that either care back or make me feel good. Everything else can suck it. 

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A Third Wave Dialogue (17)
Mr. Twell and Mr. Scotson had been waiting on their tea, when Mr. Fuller and Mr. Hobbes step inside. The former two had been discussing a certain kind of dilemma when Mr. Twell extends the conversation to the others through a serious question.
Mr. Twell: 
The problem is do we need noble lies or "magnificent" ideals to keep social and political order stable or can we go beyond the mob element and govern through reason? I myself am starting believe that it is becoming more and more necessary to have to lie to the people in order to have things work properly. By lie in this case I mean that of which does not exist outside of our own conceptions and ideas (but we are told that they do) in such that they have ends in the material world. It sort of describes some of the discussions you and I have been having over the notion of a "noble lie" or "magnificent truth". Though I slightly disagree with that authors interpretation in adding Kant to that list of conservative thinkers who believe in using noble lies, in the instance that Kant believes we have no access to truth in-itself of anything whether it be politics, the universe, or our very existence. So its not that the truth is necessarily "too strong" for human beings to envelop themselves in, we just don't have the faculties to live beyond our own immediate experience. But hell I don't know. This whole idea of having to lie to everyone in order to maintain order, is asking for a whole new type of political cynicism, but its just the same as saying politics is a dirty business.
Mr. Scotson:
It's always hard to nail down the line between empirical truth vs subjective experience. I don't necessarily think that all "truth" is off limits to humans per-se, but obviously sensory experience hinders the expedition to varying degrees more or less. I don't think the dichotomy between truth and experience translates into justification for the "noble lie" however.You can't fool all of the people all of the time. Perhaps the lie itself adds stability to the human condition, but eventually the lie is going to be discovered for what it really is. Everyone grows up and realizes Santa isn't real, and I think that is easily juxtaposed against society as a whole in regards to the truth. If philosophy really is a search for truth, and the philosopher the highest form of human being; I don't really see the logic in embracing the lie. I don't like him throwing Kant into the same pile either. I have my own issues with Kant, but this definitely isn't one of them. Kant is somewhat right though, that experience is powerful enough to distort the truth since we can only interpret what that truth is through the lens of our own subjective reality. I still don't think this justifies hiding what is true though, only that one must take into account that what they hold as true might not actually be without distortion. Really though, there is a little bullshit in all we see, do, and know. Why add more to the pile? Philosophy is about human liberation, not justification for the status quo.
Mr. Twell:
I think the problem is exactly that though. If we put the dichotomy on the shelf and assume that some aspects of the truth are available to us, then the people are challenged in acquiring it and holding on to it. But I’m starting to feel that such truths are either too much to handle or are really loosing their effectiveness on society as a whole. For example, the truth is we could all govern ourselves if we restrained a few of our liberties, but the people need convincing to do so if they haven’t arrived to this conclusion through reason alone. In past societies religion/myth was that arbiter. However we made a deal and traded religion in for politics; we still only have two social conditions or choices though; centralized and decentralized democracy. Both have their problems and I’m not advocating fascism or tyranny, but I do understand the logic behind it. If the people are given too much freedom, then the culture becomes licentious and the majority gain together and mob up. If the leadership is given too much freedom in the form of authoritarian power, then the culture is of repression and oppression. There are very few who are aware of this distinction and of this know how, make sure there is a balance. Or basically we tell them a noble lie to keep the order. Will people be ok with this? Even given a tour of the real world outside of the cave? Im not so sure, that people want to deal with that responsibility. I think this is becoming all the more possible as days go on and on. 
Every beginner philosophy course poses the whole matrix kind of question (to some form or another as to what would happen if there was a machine that could completely simulate a real life experience.) Often times people say they wouldn’t live in the machine because they could not have the feeling of the experience in itself of say eating a real piece of chocolate vs the simulated one. But just look at the logic of our political systems, they are molded to imitate direct govern-ship except it is centralized at the level of representatives. A representative democracy is essentially a simulated direct democracy so to say, that individuals use avatars to solve political disputes. But this all hinges on whether the people continue to believe in the noble lie, that of they "can't govern themselves" or "this is all necessary". And some would rather hold onto the lie than have a real genuine experience. Remember Bill Hicks; We often kill the people who come back to tell us, "its just a ride and we can change it at any time."
Then on the other side even if we tell them this is all just an idea realized and can be easily changed. Will they look past their own consumption and change that social condition? Or leave it in place and just tear down the old guard and its institutions. If little Timmy grows up and no longer believes in Santa or Jesus or that Washington couldn’t tell a lie, or that Democracy and Justice are just pretty words. Then we are in trouble. What then does Timmy have to believe in? Better yet as the pleasures and luxury afforded in the lie are starting to disappear, what then do we do? The probability that all reactionary forces start to mobilize and cause chaos gains traction. I think one example is Justice and Freedom. While we are motivated by these ideas to the extent that we try to concretize or instantiated them into the real world of experience. They are only ideas nonetheless. And belief and practice in these ideas are highly dependent on us all believing them to exist. But they don’t really empirically exist. Someone point out justice to me like we can say a tree or building. It isn't possible. However, it is something people are ready to lay down their lives for. So the people have to believe to a certain degree that these things exist universally in order to keep the order. Other wise we end up with a culture that doesn’t believe in anything or worse a nihilistic society that is easily manipulated. This makes us all complicit in the noble itself, because we are constantly trying to maintain it ourselves or have people do it for us. We the people could actually directly govern ourselves so long as we were educated in the problems of too much democracy and too much liberty. “The whole power through self-discipline” we see in Kant, Plato and Aristotle (to some extent) emerges through this problem. But instead of taking the time to reason with this issue the people would rather have hired individuals to do this job for them. They are fine with the chicanery in the machine, because the responsibility of govern-ship is either too daunting or banal. Hence, the noble lie is supposed to compensate this affinity to nihilism, by providing people a reason outside of their own material well being as a means to secure material ends.
But it may be as you say, “you can’t fool all of the people all the time”. Individuals are either tired of not getting what they expect out of their own idealism and thus get together to acquire it. Or you have the liberally educated (both of the left and the right) that also know that this is all depending on the people believing in something beyond themselves, but doesn’t exist unless the people make it so. But look at the mismanagement of such forces and the violence that follows after. I agree that some portion of the truth involves a bit of bullshit. I find it incredibly naive that Kant thinks that human will has and will always bend before pure reason, but reason itself; is all powerful and can’t be talked about. Then why are we positing it in as that which motivates people to restrain themselves? So its on a different ground that I have a problem with Kant's analysis.
I do think there is something to the whole freedom in discipline through restraint, I’m just not sure that if individuals are faced with having to do that, could do it on their own. Especially today as we have fallen in love with our consumption and I don’t see us going back. Is Philosophy a revolutionary force for change though? And to what end? This reminds me of Marx’s problems with the common people. In that Marx couldn’t see a proper revolution without some theoretic conception to the practice. But I side with Aristotle and I think the practice aspect is becoming all the more important. Its not enough to teach people the truth and to liberate them. Often times it seems people are afraid of this very notion i.e. their own freedom and being responsible for it. If it is as you say and the noble lie is becoming all the more improbable to the people, because of ineffective leadership, then they might some day practice the change they want to see.
The people will either have to govern themselves with the restraint spoke about earlier or create a new noble lie that distorts what we all know: i.e. that if individuals are left to their own devices, then they will let things go to shit. But then education seems to fall into the center then? Are we preparing individuals to lead or to follow the consumption train down the rail road of capitalism? Philosophy in itself may be complicit in this as well. Its Socrates who warns the men of Athens at his trial, that if you kill me, you will just be letting the flood gates open to wide spread skepticism about democracy, and the people will grow chaos and let the door open to tyrannical control. And if we look down the line; Socrates tutors Plato, Plato tutors Aristotle, Aristotle tutors Alexander the great. Similarly, the Nazi take over in Germany was also later phenomenon to a strong liberally democratic and philosophically aware culture. Philosophy in itself maybe too academic or institutionalized, even alien to the people.
Mr. Fuller:
I hate the noble lie. I think setting out to treat the world like a mob undermines its potential to be more than a mob.
Mr. Twell:
But just look at what happens when the noble lie starts to loose its place in society. Individuals repress their instincts inwardly for the sake of maintaining the belief in something of which doesn't exist, because its outside of the mind. And when reality starts to outweigh expectations, that energy is projected into either revolutionary forces or reactionary forces. The people often appeal to the latter as history goes to show. I like to think that people are more than just what they believe, but when I see how much violence follows after our ideals, I begin to get cynical. What do you think?
Mr. Fuller:
I know this is going to sound a bit dark, but I'll say it anyway: The noble lie presupposes that it is necessary for society to continue existing after we're individually dead and gone. I have *always* had a problem with this because I see no justification for it. If the justification exists, I'd like to learn about it. But if it doesn't, then it just means this is what we choose as our value or goal, which is fine. My question is, why would someone want it so much that they would undermine their own intellect, as well as everyone else's just to attain it?
Mr. Hobbes:
While I stand with you Mr. Fuller, I think there is an implied agreement that as much as we benefit from the greater whole, society too shall benefit society in return. This is not a bad agreement when it is outside the scope of mass corruption because we do need the collaboration required to have as many innovations as possible. This agreement is in my opinion outside the structure of governance and that it is the corrupt ambitions whether latent within all people or just a few that has caused the now toxic greater whole to spread its poison through its individuals. In this way, the Noble Lie, sometimes  appears in specific types of people whose ambitions lie in following the herd. Those are not the people creating or perpetuation any Noble Lies. They couldn't if they tried. So what would differentiate the governed from those who have prioritized so-called self-empowerment through any means necessary? Are they not also people who believe in their own noble-lie, albeit self perpetuated?

I am of the opinion, that before we speak on what forces govern the world we should be talking about the forces that govern individuals, biological and psychological, because this is what determines how we behave or how we react to events. Even when I try and think about how the herd would behave if they had no noble lie I am led to the core question of whether man is inherently well-intentioned or not. If we strip away the noble lie and all social conditioning from an individual would he prefer to work together all bets on the table or will he always feel the need to hide his cards due to the mistrust of others? In the animal kingdom, and if we were to look at man as an animal, I believe he would be afraid and ready to ensure his own long term survival through any means necessary, though we have seen that even some animals have behaved in ways that seem outside of their instinct. So why does the herd need to be led? Most of us are afraid of what is beneath the surface of who we take ourselves to be, the so-called identity. Put a person in a room alone with their thoughts and they will begin to fidget. There is a very real and powerful reason why this happens! This tension that we all feel deep down is real! Figure that in to the social calculus and I think the whole notion for why we need a noble lie will begin to make sense, as well as the awareness of the utter helplessness and stupidity that we are.Therefore, the noble lie is something that the herds create for itself, whether it is instilled in them or not.
Mr. Twell:
I agree. I think we love our lies and take of them as true in order to keep our identities or self-hood intact. It could also be argued that acts of violence try to cover this impotence or incompetence in that we don't have the language to express or talk about the "real" as long as the ego is in the way. 
But this requires that individuals settle with the experience of things as opposed to the mere spectacle. And I share your sentiments, when we ask ourselves of human nature stripped of all that makes them all too human. Are we all like what Mr. Hobbes has said in tha past; greedy little balls of energy trying to get one over on each other if presented the opportunity to do so? And is the noble lie then something of which occurs naturally due to biological and environmental factors? Whether there is a such thing as noble peaceful places of origin Im not sure. History shows that the story of civilization is the story of warand conflict. Perhaps then people collectively designated all their fears into one and decided, "hey you don't hurt me and I wont hurt you". But how much of this story is part of the lie used to keep the eb and flow of politics together? If our very language is confined to policing oneself strictly then maybe our debate is jerry rigged from the start as an off shoot of our own egoism.

Again Mr. Fuller, I think there is something to this idea of holding back others in order to keep business as usual. The "crab mentality" appeals to societies much like ours in this aspect, because we continue to believe in our fantasies of a better place. Thus we are constantly in a tug of war with each other over getting out of the bucket. I'm sure, this is reminding you of the small discussion we had about Iago from Othello. His individuality was one of calculating and rational, but could only reason cynically. He realizes that others can not be trusted yet tragically undermines himself in the process. So I can somewhat see the futility in maintaining a lie amongst the people and oneself, because it can lead themselves to ruin in the whole of telling it and perpetuated. But Im not so sure this makes it categorically imperative to tell the truth, because of the lack of grasp on the truth and so long as everyone else in society is lying to one another. When we try to do the opposite and do good we open ourselves up to all sorts of manipulation and often times do more harm.
Mr. Fuller:
The notion that we need to lie to ourselves and others is historically supported, but I don't think that it is the only way to make it through this life. Just look at us now. We're discussing the noble lie in such a way that shows we aren't necessarily ruled by it. Its power over us only extends as far as we allow it to.
Now, if we were to do away with the illusions, would we suddenly begin to crumble to bits, with our identities littering the floors? Possibly. And would we be destined to battling one another in pursuit of our goals and to ensure our genes get passed on? Possibly. But we must remember this is just a possibility. It's also possible that a person can recognize that their identity is primarily the result of choice, and he can choose to stay on a path in spite of whatever changes in the environment. There could possibly be a group of people who all recognize this and choose to live together, peacefully and honestly. If we fear the possibility that we'll descend too far into nihilism or there won't be enough of us or someone can come along and take advantage of us, we will have done more than avoided those negative consequences. We will have removed the most positive possibility from the table: a life without illusions. Why is it that we so often settle for the noble lie? Is it because we can't trust everyone to be prepared to live openly and honestly? Is it because we'll last longer if we're more calculated in our interactions? To both of these, I say, "So what." I don't think it matters how long we last as individuals or as a collective once we acknowledge the fact of death. It will happen no matter how we live our lives, and it could happen at any time, really. So, why not be real with ourselves and everyone else? Risks, be damned! I don't think we have anything better to do with our time here. That should be obvious at least?
—Suddenly a young woman in the booth over-hears their conversation and chimes in.
Ms. Dewey: 
I believe the distinction between a "noble lie" and a mythos that is part of the collective consciousness of a people can be made to be a large distinction, but it could also be made to be a small one. Throughout human history the majority of people have relied on authority to set the order, whether they needed it or not is somewhat of an empirical claim that I don't believe can be easily made. I think there's a strong sense of "if it's not true then it's a lie" in our contemporary culture. A "noble lie" consists, in my opinion, of giving people ideals to live up to. Do we always live up to those ideals? It's clear that we don't. However, I get the sense that people do want to live up to idealistic forms of character. We pride ourselves in knowing the difference between a noble personality and a dishonorable one. Should we strive for a collective ideal that's been passed down through our culture for X amount of years or generations? Should we all decide for ourselves what is the ideal way to construct our character? To be more realistic, do we not do a little of both, as they are not completely incompatible with each other? We have a wealth of symbols which point to us ways of living that we may incorporate into our lives but don't necessarily dictate 100% how we choose to do so. I don't think it's disingenuous in being inspired by culture in order to create ourselves and in finding our individual values.

I realize this conversation is more of a society or political context than I led on in my response. I don't know if this sounds cheesy, but I subscribe to the notion that to change society we must change ourselves. We could overthrow the system and place another one in its place, but would it not attract the same personalities that are governing now? Isn't there a kind of personality that is more prone to seeking power than others? This is the problem of dictatorship. When we have politicians who are trying to live up to "noble values" and make it their central argument for power, typically those are fascists or worse, and they would hold back nothing in order to realize those ideals, even at the expense of their (and our) humanity.

I'm not so sure democracy for the people, on an individual level, is something we are ready for as a whole. Perhaps small pockets of humanity can come together to form a society in which everyone rules themselves. There are simply too many world problems for us to decentralize everything. I also get the sense that history ebbs and flows, that freedom and liberty are more prized possessions in some times than in others. A centralized government is needed to solve big problems, not because government generally solves problems (I'm sure we could all agree that a lot of times government is possibly the problem itself) but more because government is, on some level, a large collection of people. It's an organization, and a very large one at that. It's size may prohibit itself from solving the problems it sets out to fix. However, there are problems that don't seem to be fixable on simply an individual level. So I wonder if the idea of people governing themselves can be a "noble lie" onto itself, the idea that we can all be noble creatures capable of governing ourselves if we were to make a few concessions to each other. But if it is, is it a bad "noble lie" or not? If the idea of it gets people to think about themselves, their place in society, society's context in history as a whole, does it have to be true in order to be valued? Could it instead be a means to an end, instead of an end in itself? If it facilitates thoughtful discussion, positive change and growth, then why does it have to be called a lie instead of a popular myth, a metaphor for something greater than the organization of society, or the disorganization of society rather?

I really believe that we may at one point get past the need for government entirely. However, I find myself cynical about the state of humanity on some levels. Most people don't want to think about how to live their lives any deeper than they have to. In some ways, I kind of respect Nietzsche's idea that philosophical reflection, on some levels, is a sign of disease or malfunction. When we act spontaneously, out of the center of our being, without doubt or skepticism, we are in some ways expressing something deeper than our ability to question everything. Some people are just prone to being curious about everything and get off on getting into deep conversations where they get to play around with symbols and turn them over and over, attempting to see what they are made of. However, I think most people want to go along with the herd like the gentlemen spoke ealier of because they don't need to think deeply about it. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, other than right now it seems like the thoughtlessness of others is possibly the biggest problem of our age. We can solve any problem if we all were simply more aware and willing to do something about it. So it goes both ways for me. If we get to a point where everyone is thinking deeply about how to live their lives, to govern society, etc. it's more a sign of a problem to me, but at the same time the fact that people aren't taking up these issues at a time when we desperately need to shows our ignorance and unwillingness to step up to the plate and make a difference when it is needed most.  
Even if we get to the "ideal form of government or society, etc, where would our more philosophically minded people go with their philosophizing? Would they also attempt to find an "ideal" way to live, even though it was already achieved? Is there ever a constant in human history greater than change itself?
With that said, I myself, recently thought of this noble lie idea and have noticed it around me. It made me think that I am surrounded by them but haven't been recognizing them as such. How do you gentlemen feel about the idea that "if you work hard enough you will become rich?" Is that not one of the "noblest lies" of our age? There as so many counter examples to that idea that it begs the question of why we are still telling this to ourselves and each other. But I have to admit, I have fallen for this lie and continue to believe it regardless. 
Mr. Twell:
I whole heartedly agree. The American dream is supposed to be utopia realized, but this ideal has either eroded away for some or maintained itself for others. For this reason, I bring up the problem of cynicism and nihilism as an underlying dilemma to the noble lie. And in some way by chance the kind of noble lie that we are talking about is of an offshoot with the difficulties in modernity. I guess one way to put it is; interpretation and skepticism, while, healthy habits of the mind, can at one point cultivate escapism. I think Nietzsche's attack on asceticism and enlightenment mirrors this issue. Its usually the uber-rational who stress about the world and its problems. But as I have said before. I think this is becoming more ideal as we move on as a society. We need to have a goal or motivation of some sort, and I think even Nietzsche does this by creating Zarathustra. 

Another historical example is modernity in itself. Its goals required that individuals use their mind to restrain their bodily pursuits as a means to a social end or material good. Of course this only benefited a small few of aristocratic white dudes. I think even we accept this pay off though, i.e. the whole idea that someday everyone will govern themselves through pure will or ego. All this really does is inculcate individualism into the centerfold of society. So then all of things of which we thought were bad become good. Greed is good right? So long as we include a caveat or two. Some even call this era and its predecessor the century of the self and selfishness. 

There is however a such thing as having "too much respect upon the world...[and losing it] that do buy it with much care". Meaning, we shouldn't always kid ourselves and start to romanticize things out to be what they really aren't. We shouldn't put the rational or objective truth on a pedestal in opposition to the non-truth or truth etc. And in this way our meta-skepticism should even subject the ego to its rigors. Rationality, and self-hood, in as much as the physical or concrete world should be tested, to the dismay of Socrate's whole examined life thesis. I think modernity hitherto has sold itself on the rewards of cultural anthropology and humanism thereafter. For example, we erect institutions, produce languages, all of which could be called "offshoots" or "representations" of our ego in some way.

The work we do is supposed to mean something. However, today work only seems to have its value in material ends of the ego. A huge massage if you will. This ideal is becoming increasingly harder to maintain what with progress and technology. Try asking an employee at Burger King or McDonalds as to how they value their work. And outside of that realm, even academia is going through a similar change, what with the whole "specialization" phenomena. 

So has the ego or self, or humanity really been better off believing in this all? As Montaigne said, "ignorance is the softest pillow on which a man can rest his head". The trade offs are just too appetizing. Im sure its better to have a tooth-ache today than say 300 hundred years ago. But then again has something essential gone away in the process? And the inverse is not so true once we put things like war and violence on the table. Has enlightenment made us any better off or have we prided ourselves like the people of the first book did. For what its worth, the Tower of Babel can be anywhere the ego and glory reside.

This is why, I 'm starting to believe that noble lies are all the more necessary. I look at it like this. We use the word “lie" as a codifier, in that, its use value comes in making a phenomenological reduction of some sort. In this case we are saying something about the world as opposed to how the world really is. So when we tell any kind of lie, we are saying something of metaphysical importance, maybe even of theological necessity. 

I feel this way dialectically, because when we call a "lie" out we are also in some way using another distortion, in this case, "the real". But just what is the real? Is it unreachable on even a philosophical level i.e. isness? Or [b]eing as Aristotle and Heidegger pronounce to us. Is it empirical reality as we know it? The world of science? Which at some level or another breaks down in matters of the quantum level. Is it psychological like Jung, Freud, and Lacan would have us believe, maybe even political in the way, Hobbes and Machiavelli would argue. It could even be on the level of mtyhos as you describe, and as others like Nietzsche, Campbell, and Sartre to a certain extent all agree. Perhaps Plato is right in some way or another, by positing forms in, because at one level or another we loose a grip on interpretation, and due in part to the problem of subjectivity. The whole notion of ineffability etc. Therefore the lie in itself is not inherently bad, in fact we can name plenty of genuine cases of when lying does more good than harm. If the gestapo or stalinist is knocking on my door, requesting I aid them in apprehending my neighbor for being Jewish or just plain different. And I choose to lie. So fuckin be it. I don't think we'd be faulted for not telling the truth as a means to preserve the truth. This as is the case of a noble lie or magnanimous truth as the Greeks called them. A portion of the reduction is not wholly objective but is true and universal to some extent. 

So then you are right, when you bring up the ends and means problem. Because not lying to one another involves everyone being treated as of ends as opposed to means. I hesitate, but nonetheless don't see us ever getting there, because how entirely utopian the whole thing seems. And with every utopian ideal come to life, there is a sort of disclosure. We discover that utopias are either lame or tyrannical as you say. The first can be said of where we live today. America beyond the American dream, has its founding document principled on highly regarding people as ends as opposed to means. In this we are all equal. The second, could be said of ideals taken to extremes. That is the maintenance fee of a widely excepted noble lie has a diminished return. And we respond in kind with either of the following; more demand (suspension of disbelief), metaphysical indifference (nihilism), or ressentiment (cynicism). I believe we are at the point of tottering between the latter two as a whole.

The first is what we've always done; create a whole new lie to replace that one and so on and so forth. And this is why I can't help but allude to politics, because it is at the second level we are talking about whole groups of people as opposed to the individual. Remember the heart of this phrase, “no man or woman is an island”. I think there is something too that. Politics was supposed to be that of which mediated the tension between the individual and majority. A bridge between freedom and liberty. Before that religion. So then is this noble lie running its course? If we look around in some places it would certainly seem that way, but in other areas not so much. One thing is for sure. If the noble lie is structured similarly to that of a web of belief, then they can be maintained and nurtured, so as a means to preserve the sacred. If the "sacred" means a free an equal society, which individuals don't have to work menial jobs and can indulge in philosophy etc, than I think there is merit in having a false belief as a means to do so. I think Mr. Fuller would have more to say on that I could  on that subject, since it involves literature. Although I'm reminded of Sartre's notion of bad faith here. I guess I'm asking; Do you think bad faith is really bad in itself or can it be used as a means to something of which could be consider as good? Because isn't the 'noble lie' at the individual level really just a "lie" unto ones own consciousness as a means to survive in some way? So its not so much as a negative presupposition unto humanity, but rather one thats open to interpretation so long as it serves a greater good. Im not asking us to be fascists in a platonic hyper-reality nor computer programs in a Wachowski bros film. But how else are we supposed to keep ideas like justice, democracy, freedom, and individualism around? Im starting to think material consumption is sort of trumping that. So the noble lie in itself is a lot like an empty container, because we can pretty much distort experience any way we can--imagine ad infinitum. And at the end of the day then we have to deal with language and meaning.
Ms. Dewey:
Taking on a Nietzschean project like Zarathustra is difficult. It's uncertain what kind of thematic personality is going to ring true for a majority of people enough to make the symbol alive. I think a Jungian or Campbellian approach to symbol analysis is entirely relevant. For Campbell anyways he makes explicit that in order for a symbol (political, religious, cultural, etc.) to be active it has to resonate in people someplace beyond their rational comprehension. And so there's something that speaks beyond rational discourse and in a way forms the basis for what the discourse would then look like. 

The Age of Reason had it's own idols, namely reason, and discourse was based on certain premises being true, namely that the truth can be known through rational inquiry, yadda yadda. If you believe that everything happens because God wills it, then that's going to be the unquestioned assumption behind all inquiry into the world. If you believe that everything happens randomly and the only meaning is that which is applied by people themselves, everyone's perspective is going to seem like a useless grasp at meaning in a meaningless void. The Age of Reason simply set the stage for what would be acceptable to believe or state as truth. But for me, the poetry of a flower opening and stretching towards the sun is just as relevant and important as the scientific explanation of chemical reactions and all that science shit that's awesome. 

The notion that Nietzsche gives about "living the good life" hasn't necessarily come into it's day. That lived by a person who considers their life to be a work of art, and the world around them is a canvass for their experiences (a personal exaggeration of my own). It's a powerful symbol. I think it cannot be taken seriously by someone who considers their ego to be their highest function, nor someone who prizes reason above all. Perhaps it will take time for that sort of age to mature. Perhaps it may be a part of the next "noble lie" that leads men to greatness.

We are the lucky inheritors of an amazingly rich, dense, and seemingly endless amount of information. It's always interesting to me to see where people get their inspiration because we have so much to choose from. I also feel entirely privileged to be in a culture that allows for the manipulation of symbols and meaning, that tolerates vague and abstract notions of beauty, truth, freedom, etc. I believe it's the artist's job to inquire into such symbols and render them visually or musically, in some way that gives us another perspective. I know it's said that we are a generation drowning in a multitude of perspectives, but I have the utmost admiration for those who not only swim, but surf the tides of subjective truths available.

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Miss Materialist. (12)
A cleft hand scathes the inside of my palm prints and I ask "is this what it means to be a fact". You wanted our femurs to always polish the base of our goods and evils. Always—After and before. The action, the State in all its positions. Having us bend and flee to our inwardness. Trying to purify our conscience. And despite all of that.We are still banal and boring. Save your chump change and burn your rhyme book. The truth of the matter is you allow the real to distort your language. And what is our institution other than an imitation of our egos. Don't kid me around as I already own a vacuum cleaner. Put your idealism at rest for once and look at me and say what we are all afraid to admit. That at the end of the day “I’m selfish just like everyone else is and did what I did because of the instant gratification”. Now is that really so bad? It is better than saying, "I'm fucked up" or "I have a shady disposition". And even if my sincerity is a kind of cheap knock off of your eyes. Its not as if you would listen to what I have to say unless it was of the usual. Which is the best kind of piousness. Oral fixation and her facticity. You picked today on purpose, right?

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[2017] The Way That It Will Be (32)
I feel lost, too.
I wouldn't say I don't have a direction.. I think more accurate would be, if I am a boat in the ocean, I have a direction but no paddle. And I actually have a few directions that could make sense... but right now they all depend on distance (as in time and effort) to get there instead of what I would pick if distance wasnt an issue. Lik if I had a motor. Or a dragon. Yes.
I feel like a broken record. Saying th same things to absolutely everyone, including myself. making decisions in my head but not turning choices into actions and moving forward. Just staying and expecting things to change. I hurt everyone around me. I try to be selfless and end up being more selfish than before. I don't understand how it happens. I don't know what to do. I know what I want, what I should want, what I could want, etc etc... i know a lot of things that dont  matter.
The fire in my chest ignnited again today and I dont think its going to go away. It never did. Why am I surprised. Did I expect anything else..
I feel like I've been split into several different people all sitting around a conference table debating what they think I should do every second of every day and in general. Maybe its always been this way but there was aa dominant voice that I refered to as myself and chose to listen to the most. but now they all sound the same. And nothing I do makes sense from one second to the next because these people are nothing alike. One day I think one way and the next someone else takes over and the things I thought the day before dont make sense.. or do but i couldnt care less because so does this new voice. i dont actually hear voices.... that'd be nice though. sometimes the silence is overwhelming.
I feel old. the last 2 years. Like its too late for anything to be "fixed". And then I feel ridiculous for thinking that way.
I've decided to put all my old dreams away for good. Develop new dreams. Stop putting timeframes on plans. Nothing ever works out the way you want. Planning is good to an extent. Waiting for the right time.. waiting for things to feel "right" isn't a way to live. But even if you dont think that way.. others usually feel that way so what you want doesnt matter anyways.
Everyday, at least for now, I work out for my body, learn french for my mind, and play guitar for my soul. I wish I could say its enough. Its not but it definitely helps.
Right now I feel like getting as far away from this place as possible. Not just that but disappearing. One day just leaving a note for everyone I know who cares (and thats not many) and just leave and not say where or why just leave and not give a date for coming back or say whether i am or not. For several different reasons. I have some issues.. some things that happened. things i dont think will go away. i thought i could deal with some stuff.. and instead.. well it doesnt matter.. but i realized.. even if i deal with one thing another will take its place, whether its the same sort of situation or something else. and whats the point? Why try? Why not just steer into the skid? What if this is God or the unverse telling me what it thinks of me.. what I'm worth.. or I just have really bad luck. I'm too naive. I'm too fragile. I'm too trusting. As much as I would love to say I dont trst anyone (and I often do) it isnt true. i trust everyone. I fall in love with everyone i meet. Not in an in love love way but you know what i mean. or you dont.what was the point? Right... I'm just screwed. I can continue to try and be what I think I should be and try to do good because that's what i think is important and genuinely want or just say screw it.. and give in to this feeling. meh. I dont know how to explain what that would mean without gtting into stuff i dont care to talk about. but i feel like whatever is causing that feeling is growing and isnt going to stop any time soon.
Its not fair to want things to go back to the way they were before.
I try putting myself in other peoples shoes. Not just saying it but really.. I spend way too much time just imagining how it would be.. and how i would feel.. thats what makes everything so hard.. i dont want to hurt anyone. but i cant do this anymore. and no matter what i choose i will hurt too in some way. no matter what. being honest was enough in the beginning but not anymore. the only thing that matters now is following through. how. its impossible. feelings are such shit. they just screw everything up.
at least I am on my own. at least.
i miss jefri. weird subject change but today i thought.. what got me through before? What is  making it so hard? And i dont know.. but i had beeen really busy with him.. especially as he got older and needed constant attention.. he was like a baby. and he looked so cute in his little premie diapers... a buny in a diaper is probably the best thing ever.. and sad. but he wasnt suffering. he didn't not even at the end. he was happy. but it wasn't just that.. he was with me through a lot. its stupid but.. lol its stupid.. but i had him 10 years and when i was sad we would sit and i would cry and he would lick me like he knew. and he wasnt just a rabbit.. everyone said he was like a puppy.  Idk he'd lick my nose and cuddle against my leg. i guess its been about 8 months and i havent thought about it. i got rid of all his stuff the same day he passed because i didnt want to look at it. but now its like he never was. i kept some stuff. the bear he loved and licked so much his nose came off. And his socks. Yeah.. he had socks. and little stuff like that. idk its weird. the middle of last year can forever be labeled the season of major change. its weird that he isn't here when i need him.. i feel a little foolish for saying that but its true.
I'm think I'm going to watch a movie. I've been watching the show bob's burgers.. lol tim was watching it and i was giving him a hard time... said it looked really lame. well i was wrong. its probably the only thing that can make me laugh right now. cartooooons. and the voice of louise is the girl from flight of the conchords.. the really obnoxious fan and she's in that new show (which is also pretty funny) last man on earth. the first 2 episodes of that show are amazing. now its just good.
I have to make cake pops for my mom tomorrow. meh. and decorate them. double meh. i usually wouldnt care but idk. i dont feel great. i'm half way between wanting to curl up in a ball and rock back and forth or banging my head against a wall.. at least i dont want to stab myself repeatedly in the heart just to prove to myself that that's not what I am actually experiencing. lol Im stupid.
wah wah wah.. this is why i want to just leave. I am so annoyed with myself. saiasildalsdlsakmdaksm. and my entries just get longer and longer because i think if i just get it all out I'll feel better but I dont.

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The things that haunt my waking. (26)
I know the answer to a great many questions. Questions that only lead to more questions.
You still love a woman. Still want a woman.
You don't think that means the end of our marriage. But let me explain it to you.
You can't wrap me in your arms with the sensuality I crave. Your love won't comfort me when I am lost, as men get lost sometimes (and need to be found between the legs of another). Making love to you is mechanical, and I am not.
You say you want to be my wife, to be the best wife for me. You want to be monogomous. But even while you say this you clench tightly to a relationship with the very woman who tears us apart.
Your love still outweighs your hatred of Valerie Fuller.
And you lie to me, and probably yourself. But you cling to her gifts as you once did mine. And you quietly (and behind my back) make arrangements to see her. To be near her. To fill that ACHE. The ache of desire is a cup never filled.
And now to the truth that matters:
To be married is for us to serve each other. In this moment you ache for another, and you are still having an affair. Still trying to fill your needs outside of your commitments. Still trying to get as close to what you want as you can. I know where that leads. And if you were to sacrifice those needs and commit only to your marriage, would you truly, could you truly be happy? Would I? I think we both know the answers to these questions. And as much as you don't want to face the truth of it, our marriage ending is mostly your own fault. Your own biological inability to love a man as he deserves to be loved (if there is such a thing as deserving love).
I don't know how to start over. With or without you.
And I don't like that I get to add you to the long list of people who have failed to love me. Perhaps it's just another incarnation of the phrase "we accept the love we think we deserve."
I don't know who I am enough to know how this plays out. I know that I have no obligation to be kind while you are cruel. I know that for now I am more interested in being fair.
This is likely to be a test of forebearance for us both. And I don't know where it goes...

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the last cold step (100)
this will be the last
on the staircase
of your apartment building
arms around knees
chipping salmon-colored walls
leaning on the black
shining railing
i've gotten closer
with this railing
than i ever did
with you
i've familiarized myself
with this cold step
the mornings after
makeup dripping
on my lap and hands
my hair spilling in tangled dreads
my body and soul worn inside out
like dirty socks
from not being able
to say 
i love you
this cold step
it and i
shared our moments

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New Chapter (56)
Life is a trip. been on this work trip for 2 weeks now .. day 16 in a row. 10+ hour days. Its been really nice being up here on this trip though. I feel like after this past trip up to uncle gary's, and now being in grass valley, I have a new state of mind. One free from my depression, anxiety and doubts. I need to let all the negative go and forgive myself for my past. I've almost been thinking that my car accident really messed up my head as a kid. I'm starting to remember things about my childhood that I had long forgoten. Memories that bring me joy but also humble me. Thats what I want to be: Humble. Its a word that I've used a lot without ever really feeling it. There is plenty of work to be done in my life right now. After this trip I am going to go home and re-do our bathroom. Fix the panneling, the shower, the floor, the cieling.  Ive been taking a lot of pride in the work that I have done lately. And pride is something I havent had in a long time. It feels good to be proud. Going to continue with the welding classses and the growing. Gotta get home to build a flower room and build some gardening boxes. ugh so much to do! So very excited about the future!

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1307 (324)
Its been one month and 3 days since my dog died. 
It was the first Saturday this weekend I had to myself at home since he died. 
Maybe it was the weather, the house and the memories, or simply not having anything to do that made me sad. 
I kept thinking "its Saturday and I dont have any plans I should take the dog for a walk." 
and then I remember....
I thought that in the morning, remembering how he bugs me to death until I take him for a walk. 
But there was no nose in my face.  No expectant look.  No jumping around in excitment.  No leash.  No collar clanking.  No dog jumping out the door.  No dog racing ahead of me down the sidewalk. 
There was no reason to go for a walk.
Finally, by like 3:30 I couldn't take the memories and subconcious thoughts of him bugging me until we go for a walk. 
So I 'took the dog for a walk'.
I walked around the block by myself.
I've already started to forget him.
It seems too soon. 
I miss you, Max.

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1306 (228)
I have a pet peeve that is climbing to the top of my list recently...
Its actually yet another spin off of my original pet peeve so its still No 1 pet peeve of mine:  Suffering the consequences of someone elses decisions. 
In this case, someone elses LACK of decisions.
As a Young Single Adult we always get the same speech:  "go on dates, get married, have children"
And it's usually the men that get an additional speech like unto:  "stop procrastinating, stop delaying, get off the video games, get off your butt and ask a girl out! In person, not in text" 
And to this the girls, who are pushing 30 and just want children, they respond with a resounding "Yeah! What he said." 
I'm not entirely sure what my pet peeve is exactly...
Is it the fact the girls dump all the responsibility on the guys?  And they wait and wait for them to make a move? They do nothing to change their situation?  I mean, sure, generally its the guys responsibility, but we are in the 21st century here, things have changed since when our parents dated. 
Is it the fact they whine and complain about the guys not doing anything for years....and years... and years?  I find myself nodding.
Or is it the fact the reason they are complaining about not being married at 26-28 is because their happiness depends on being married and/or having children?
I guess my pet peeve is all rolled up into all three there... 
Every time there is the lecture to get off your butt and ask people out on dates all the girls ALWAYS assume they are talking to just the boys even when the girls are there listening too.  The girl next to me made the comment of "I'm not the one delaying"  as in she's not the one procrastinating going on dates. 
I wanted to call "bullshit" right there! 
She may not technically be responsible for asking boys out, but she sure as hell is going to complain about it the rest of her life and/or NOT do ANYTHING to CHANGE her situation and just blame boys.  She doesn't even show up to activities to even MEET boys, let alone stick around long enough for one to ask her out.  She does the minimum of going to church and lack of talking/participating with others, let alone boys.  
Seriously, a boy isn't going to go hunting in all the closets looking for you.  They barely find you when you stand right in front of them. 
Don't get me wrong, I do not defend the boys and their laziness of lack of dating.
But I am not commending the women who complain, blame others, and do nothing to change their circumstances and base their happiness on said circumstances!
As for the dating world in 2015, I say both genders are lame and are doing nothing to change the future of dating, marriage, and families.
A prime example is my roommate.  She may want to smack me for all the sugar and junk food I eat as she eats no sugar at all and only eats fruit and exercises, but man I want to smack her when it comes to boys....
She's a 26 yr old that wants to be married and having children like...yesterday. I'm not sure the girls actually want the boys per say, but they are necessary when having children?  I dunno.  Their priorities and motivations are all hidden it seems.
But, like most of us at this age, we have an ideal guy in mind (aka perfect, aka doesn't exist) so then we start getting really picky. Stuck in our ways.  'I won't date him cuz he's not my ideal height.'  'I won't date white guys because I'm not attracted to them as much.'  I won't date a guy who doesn't have a career, a degree, an RM, etc. etc.  the list goes on and on....  Granted, that narrows the list GREATLY.  And to be so closeminded you might just miss the love your life... But I won't get into that...
Knowing the types you are attracted to is a big part of dating, but you don't need to stick to yer ideal like glue, have an open mind.  I dated tall, short, redhead, old man, blonde, burnette, calm, divorced, temperamental rm, not rm, smoker, immature, religious, non-religious etc. 
And then, of course, she is also one that just goes to church does the minimum talking to get through the hours and goes home and never shows up until the next Sunday.  Doesn't go to any activities to get to know any of the boys.  She works at her sisters house, stays there until like 7, exercises but not even in a public place, comes home and sits in front of the TV or reads until bedtime (which is often going to bed early).   She doesn't meet anyone!  How does she expect someone to ask her out?  A boy is not going to figure out where she lives and knock on her door! 
And then, by some miracle, a boy from church did ask her out and she moans and groans cuz he doesn't fit her ideal attractiveness.  Seriously!  Boys should get a serious pat on the back just for being brave enough to ask a girl out!  Recently, all I ask for is for a boy to know how and actually flirt!  Asking out on a date is too much, but at least try and flirt!  And here she is complaining some guy asked her out.  I don't know what she wants from these boys! 
And now, since she went out with said boy and he asked her out again, suddenly she has all these stipulations about how her dates have to go in order to be satisfied.  They have to be "low key" and since she is such a tight wad, they have to be inexpensive so she knows they are like financially compatible or whatnot.  *rolls eyes*  GAH!  
It's so frustrating.  No wonder the men don't date!
If he takes her bowling she'd cut him off right there!  Cuz she's like an old lady who goes to bed early and can't do anything exciting, her excitement level is like taking a walk or getting a drink. 
I have been thinking about it a lot and I've realized my roommate is no fun.  She goes to bed early, doesn't eat sugar, doesn't do anything fun or spontaneous, it seems to have to be planned, she doesn't spend money, etc., she's like a married person with children already.  Natalie, being married and with children, is more fun and spontaneous than my roommate. 
This girl was ready to write him off her list simply because he wasn't tall enough!
Attraction is important, but c'mon, give the personality a chance!
*bangs head on desk*
I mean I'm not attracted to the skinny jeans kind of skinny boys, but I'm not going to say no if they ask me out and I'm not going to say yes begrudgingly either.  Although I don't think skinny boys would ask me out cuz I'm fat.... but whatever. 
I do not believe I fall into this pet peeve category.  I do not find happiness in pursuit of boys, marriage, and children. In fact, I am somewhat repulsed by it.  So I'm not complaining that no one is asking me out cuz I really don't care, and if I cared enough I would ask the boy I'm interested in out.  I do sometimes complain that the boys don't ask some of my friends out cuz they are great girls and no one is taking the time to figure that out and its frustrating. 
Marriage and children seem to be every girls goal in life, but its not the first thing I think of... I dont really know what I think of.  I dont even have a career goal really.  I guess I'm happy where I am.  And in time that will change and my goals will change (and/or I will have some) and maybe I'm weird because I'm not obsessed with having a husband and children.  But I think its okay to be content with you are at any given point in your life and come what may.  Don't fret about the things you can't change, like children, but don't sit back and blame others for things you can change, like dating!  
Its not rocket science.  Going to activities + doing what yer supposed to (FHE) + meeting new people (aka talking to others) might actually = date.  Sitting at home all week is not going to get you closer to meeting a guy which leads to a date. 
I'm not even obsessed with dating and I go out (in public) all the time! Almost 5 out of 7 days a week, talk to people, go to activities, learn new things, etc.  I have a better chance of dating and I'm not sure I even want it!  I have a better chance simply cuz I am more open minded... granted, you prolly shouldn't be as open minded as I am, you should have some priorities that are important to you like dating a religious person or whatnot, or non-smoker if thats important to you, etc... 
I swear if I hear one more girl stand behind those lectures saying "Yeah! Get off your butt.  I'm not getting any younger." Essentially saying "Its your fault I'm not dating/married and having children by now" I'm gonna go all ape shit crazy.  Or any more ridiculous comments, "I'm not the one procrastinating"  or "he's not tall enough"  Or "the dates have to be low key, I do low key", "they have to have this eye color", "they have to say this exact thing"  blah blah blah.
And to the boys, I know its difficult, we girls are difficult, but the things worth the most in life are difficult, so buck up and grow a pair and come deal with us difficult women!  Go make a girl fall in love with you if you have too.  Noah in 'The Notebook' did... worked out for him... Be intriguing for once in your life!
Somebody DO something!  Stop complaining! 

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Untitled (22)
It's like there is always something missing.

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[2006] Things That Matter (66)
A quick cure for pretty much anything that makes you want to bury your head in the sand, light yourself onn fire, or some other melodramatic action that no one cares about.. go down the list until you feel better.
1. Sweat. Sweat out all the negative toxins.. they're yucky.
2. Replace them with COPIOUS amounts of chocolate. This is important.
3. Sing at the top of your lungs. If your voice doesn't crack youre not doing it right
4. Dance in your underroos. Actually. Just do everything in your underroos from now on. Pants are overrated. Also, adopt the word underroos.
"Things that matter most must never be at the mercy of things that matter least"
- johann wolfgang von goethe
meh, what else..

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[2005] It (284)
doesnt matter
Hear. Say. Repeat. A lot.

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Sunset (76)
Her scent on the pillow, it drives me wild. I want to fall asleep to it, nuzzle up next to it and drift away, dreaming of rainbows and cupcakes and running through the sprinklers on a hot summer day in July but it’s gone. It’s like she was never here. The beer cans by the chair? Cleared up. The pretzels on the floor? Scooped up. I have this eerie feeling that the end is near. It’s coming. Her part in my story might be wrapping up but I still have more to write for her, storylines I want her character to go through with me, the unreliable narrator. Scenes that are supposed to play out, at midnight on the edge of the beach, in the sand writing messages to aliens, tired but pushing on to make it to sunrise. I want to make it to that sunrise but I’m afraid I’m staring at a sunset with darks times in front of me. A sunset that covers her in darkness and clouds her from my sight, I'm unable to see her and she won't remember me. We'll just be foggy memories to eachother, ships on opposite sides of the world searching for eachother but going the wrong way. I'm always going the wrong way. 

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[2002] Must Be Nice (57)
Things are weird.
Last weekend tim and i met with our tenants to renew their lease. We've been so lucky.. they are amazing tenants. Keep the place spotless, no complaints and they pay early or on time. I'm glad we decided to give them the benefit of the doubt.. one of them had something strange oj their credit report but they explained that it was wrong but still i asked a close friend of mine who rents out lots of places what she would do and she said she wouldnt risk it. But tim said he trusted them. And his intuition is usually pretty good.
The condo was udnerwater just last year.. we owed more than it was worth. And it felt like a bad investment. all the renovations felt like a waste of time and money.. but now it seems silly to have worried.. the market is doing better and its worth at least 30k more than we owe now. Not that we'd sell.. but if there was a need to we could now.  Just feels good to know it wasnt all for nothing. Blood sweat and tears sometimes does pay off.
Speaking of blood sweat and tears.. i go through waves.. idk how it is for other people who have been through similar situations but.. sometimes i am on top of the world and feel confident and strong and capable of anything and whats happened to me and my past and my pain only fuels me and drives me to push myself.. and i know it coulf be worse and i remember that when i start to feel bad.. and sometimes.. like now.. it weighs and keeps weighing me down further and further until i feel completely useless and hopeless and alone. Worthless. Pathetic. Incapable of even the simplest tasks. Trying my best to focus on skmeyhing that matters. Obsessing over things that dont. Wanting to slip into denial. Its what i do best. But I'm learning. Slowly. Denial isnt the answer. I can overcome these things. I have before. My pain doesn't define me. I've been so low and conflicted. But thats not who i am and I'm not going to force myself out of it before i am ready but i know i need to work towards moving on. From several things. Whether i want to move on from some things or not i have to. There's nothing to hold me back. This started about one thing and switched to something else so its confusing but.. its 2 very stressful and very different things I'm going through and i just need to get over both.
In related news..  i dont like looking at my lion. I dont like holding him. Idk.
I need to run. I might join that kickboxing class with my mom. She keeps asking me to go. 
So much is going on.
I've been learning french on my duolingo app. 5 day streak.. ive been doing it for a couple weeks but 5 days is the longest.  I can say stupid stuff that no sane person would ever need to say.. like the monkey eats the pasta. Or pink elephants wear hats. Hehe. All the different tenses are freaking hard though... and i guess duolingo is good with reading and hearing stuff but i still sound super weird when i say stuff. O well. Anyways its been a really good, easy distraction. Not that french is easy.. its ridiculous sometimes.. doesnt make any freaking sense.. but its easy to get lost in it.
I was working on my site last week. I guess i dropped the ball recently. I cant concentrate on anything.. had a lot on my mind.  But i recently got a bunch of it off my chest..  maybe itll help.. idk. 
Its weird.. i dont know why but when people hurt me and say sorry... i feel more bad for them having to tell me sorry than i do for myself having to be told. Its almost like i feel the need to tell them to stop and its ok.. dont be sorry... not almost.  Always. and i do that a lot.. "no its ok. Its fine". Without even thinking. But some stuff i dont think should be so easy. At all. Some stuff.. it just is. I cant explain.. but. Sorry isnt enough. And yet i still feel bad that its being offered.  I shouldnt care.
I have to go to a dentist appointment at 2. Its almost 10am. Havent slept all night and all morning. Tried. Cant. Might try again but i dont want to miss it. So i guess staying up works. I havent slept much. I dont drink enough water. Havent worked  out in a couple days. I look like crap. I feel like crap. At the same time... i actually dont feel as crappy as i would expect myself to feel considering the clusterf*ck of nonsense going on right now.
I'm hungry. 
I think its great some people find the means to get over things so quickly.  Must be nice.  
I want chocolate.
I have. So much. To do.  Its. Insane.

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Chin up. (42)
There are a few songs that I feel
have the power to put me back together.
Songs that illuminate my fears and
force me to cry out the toxins that cloud
my body. I go through waves.
Waves of complete and utter self
awareness. Waves of indifference to
my own body and the person I've become.
This ebb and flow eventually ways on me
untill one day-- its like i wake up from a slumber.
After days, weeks, months of instability
masked by laughter and smiles-- I wake  up
and hate the girl who looks back at me in the
Do I even know her anymore? Is she apart of me?
Against me?
My realization sends me into a spiral.
I have to fix everything. All at once.
Everything. But its impossible.
I crash. I burn.
But then one of these songs comes on..
it goes through everything---
my body, my mind, my soul.
And rejuvenates me and puts me back together

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Childhood Trauma Blues (58)
Child abuse has been foremost on my mind lately. Namely, how utterly fucked up I am from it.
I want to become a specialist in child abuse. Advocacy, teacher intervention, and counseling with adolescent and adult survivors.  I want to educate people on the subject. I want to write memoirs, and self-help guides, and academic works on the subject, and perhaps most of all, fiction that kids and teens can read and know that they are not alone.
I have recently learned (a little - basically the Wikipedia version) about complex ptsd. It's not like typical ptsd. It's a totally different diagnosis, stemming from chronic trauma, and can present without full-on flashbacks.
So.... Yeah. I totally have that.
I noticed the other day that I was having kind of emotional flashbacks. I often get completely emotionally overwhelmed at the thought of ding housework. Cleaning house was a huge issue for me in my childhood. I didn't pick up on it as quickly as reading or math, and my grandma didn't have any patience to teach me. But she had plenty of energy for punishment. If it wasn't perfect, if it wasn't done exactly right or exactly on time, I was in for a session of severe abuse.
Flash forward to the present day: I am an absolute perfectionist. If I cannot be absolutely certain that I can complete a task perfectly, and (this is important) without interruption, I will not begin it at all. I focus in on absurdly small details. I can spend hours cleaning the refrigerator. I use up every bit of energy in my body. By the end, I am frothing at the mouth from dehydration. And very little has gotten done. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. I can only do this once a month or so.
It is impossible for me to keep up with the messiness of everyday life.
My social skills, too, have suffered. I confuse deference with politeness. I wait and wait and wait on people. I don't express opinions unless someone has already expressed that opinion to a favorable response. I appear to be a follower or a parrot.
I am so afraid that people will reject me, that I lead them to do so. It is also exhausting. I have lost so many friends. It hurts to make more as I try to improve my social skills. It hurts because I know there is a chance that I will lose the next batch, too. It greatly discourages progress and practice.
That's another thing. I don't like doing anything I am not already good at. I have never been exposed to patient, encouraging tutelage. I don't even know how to take encouragement.


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Prediction (51)
No one at all shows up to my birthday party, I look like an asshole taking up a whole 8-person booth for six hours with dwindling, bittering, stubbornly undying hope that someone, anyone out there actually wants to spend time with me.

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A funny thing (36)
The closest I came to telling anyone about being molested was with my other two molestors.

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step back. (54)
I was much more a badass then. Back when very little mattered to me.
Now im hunkered down with baggage. Love. Selflessness. God. Morals. Honesty. All of those nasty little bugs that sneak in. Settle in.
How  disturbing. Maybe i was before off with a heart of stone.

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1305 - quotes (59)
I went looking for an "Always Kiss the Cook" vinyl decal for my kitchen and found some more vinyl decals with quotes that remind of some of my family if I could give each of them one... 
I've wanted the "Always Kiss the Cook" pritti much since the WY summer of 2006 when I would go get breakfast the "mess hall" and whats-his-face the cook man would never hand me a plate of breakfast until I gave him a kiss on the cheek.  It made me laugh.  As long as it wasn't the old man creepy cook. 
They have John Lennon lyrics, Winnie the Pooh, Harry Potter, Where the Wild Things Are, and of course Dr. Suess. 
And they have a The Notebook quote on vinyl too!  Haha!  That's for me.
"So it's not going to be easy,
Its going to be really hard.
We are going to have to work at this every day.
But I want to do that because I want you 
I want all of you, forever!" 
"I want you
I want all of you, forever, every day
You and me, every day."
"Although she be but little, she be FIERCE"  -Shakespeare
"Don't try to hard to fit in. 
You were born to stand out."  
"I have found the one my soul loves"  - Songs of Solomon
"Life is like a camera , 
focus on whats important,
capture the good times,
develop from negatives
and if things dont work out
take another shot " 
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." 
"We may not have it all together, but together we have it all." 
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"I was born to be stubborn
to be a little bit bitchy
to push people, to push myself
I was taught never to take life for granted
to live a little, to love with everything I had
to never give up, to believe in myself
but most of all, to fight for myself."  
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its learning to dance in the rain."
"Faith is not believing that God can, it is knowing He will." 
"For God so loved the world He gave His One and Only Son." - John 3: 16
"God bless the broken road, that led me straight to you" -Rascall Flatts
"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."  -Marilyn Monroe
"Hakuna Matata - it means no worries" - The Lion King
"We are all a little weird
life's a little weird, and when we find someone
whose weirdness is compatible with ours,
we join up with them
we fall in mutual weirdness and call it love!" 
-Dr. Seuss

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being heard. (40)
i yelled and i was heard; i was so unaware. i blinded myself, so focused on the chemistry in my body that made my right hand numb.
sleep, that's what i would like.
they were right, i've been moving through life on emotional loans. self-medicating the symptoms, somewhat aware of the complexity of the underlying issues. i've sheltered myself in a quilt of denial, it's been so cold. 
where do i go from here?
this is the first time i do something for myself in months? 
my cells die and i still move. the thought of that gives me goose bumps. why am i stil here?
what am i working towards? i've lost sight of what's important. i feel sick. 
i close my eyes and my body wants to collapse but the caffeine in my system won't allow it. i blame the caffeine but i know it's a combination of anxiety and hunger.
i want to search for a little corner and rest. my little corner. can i sleep? this doesn't feel real.
i'm so cold.
what do i do. a question that's more of a statment.
a wooden bat.
what have i done.

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[1997] Coincidental (247)

Lol in case anyone is wondering... that's my spot on impression of kevin sorbo and his brilliant acting skills in this Hercules outtake...


Haha. Ok. No. Serious time though. Things have been meh. Meh to the max. Times a floppity gillion and rolled in severed body parts. But lately, unlike before europe, I've been surprisingly up beat and positive. Idk. Lol i have no reason to be. Uhg. I don't know.. maybe because i realize for the first time in a long while that i am not quite so old as I force myself to believe.. and maybe this is still just the beginning of good things. Maybe. No.. probably.
But yeah yesterday was weird. Not weird weeeird. More like a rollercoaster of emotional turmoil. But I am figuring things out, contrary to what many people might think... slowly but surely. I've always been a bit on the impulsive side.. trying to be different. Trying. Slow and steady wins the race? That doesn't apply here does it? 

Its cold. I had a dentist appointment today. The first one in like 6 or 7 years. Gross i know.  Not because i couldn't afford it or something.. honestly for the first few years i just didn't even think about it.. and then once i did i kept putting it off.. and then forgetting about it. Since being back I've felt so much more proactive in every area.. i guess this was no exception. The lady that took my x-rays looked at me and said "in over 6 years?.. but.. honey how old are you??" .. I've been getting so used to this reaction lately.. i dont see it as an imposition anymore but a genuine curiosity for most people who meet me and there is an implication that I'm not a teenager. i really personally dont think i look as young as they say.. maybe 25. But most people still think I'm way younger.. i thought they were all just being nice but it happened even more in europe. It happens any time i meet anyone really. 90% of the time it happens every time. Heh. Anyways then the dentist came and did the exact same thing and her and the xray tech both speculated on it for a minute. Its always uncomfortable but again.. starting to gwt used to it. I mean. Its a good thing. I enjoy it now but it is still super awkward. She was really impressed that my mouth was in good condition considering how long it had been. And no cavities c: its especially flattering when a dentist asks if you've had braces before and you haven't. So yeah.. i don't know why people hate the dentist.. totally made my day today. And i needed a little pick me up considering all the crap I've been worrying about.

That reminded me of this scene from mean girls..
"Alyssa, I'm sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. Its not your fault you're so gap-toothed" Hee
Now I'm eating at Mighty Mouth ;p
So there's a SOLAR-POWERED backpack! >_< If i backpack again there's no way I'm not getting one. About 1/5 the cost of something like an external battery pack. But about 10 times better. Would have helped all those times.. yes all.. that i forgot to charge my phone and regretted iy immensely. 

I'll finish this later..
Actually the rest is probably best for a private entry. Thought i had more fluff but I guess its less fluffy than I thought...
Also... I hav so much to do. And and also... my back hurts.

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[1996] (242)
Sooo sleeping is overrated.
Apparently my body just doesnt get the concept... that its good. that i neeeeed it.
I actually slept in late yesterday.. after being up all night.. like tonight. It seems I must be utterly exhausted before my body will accept the notion of sleep. Idk why it always wants to reset itself to this crazy schedule that works for no one.
I was worried about asking and then when I finally decided to I learned that my uncle and aunt were on vacation so I havent been able to make plans. And its been.. so.. hard. and awkward and then normal.. which feels even worse sometimes because things are anything but normal. things are so incrediby far from normal right now. Weeks ago going to my moms wasnt an option. But things change. And i finally askd her and she said ok. I was supposed to go Monday but well tim was working on the car and something happened and he needs to order a part. which he did should be here soon. But I cant drive it until then and he needs the other car to go to work sooooooooo.. yeah. Also the washer wasnt working and someone is going to come look at it so i said i would be here when they do.
Soo basically I know nothing about everything. I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled in so many conflicting directions. And the biggest dilema isnt even the only one. Even without it I'm ridiculously overwhelmed. One thing is that I dont know if i should go back to school or not. Or how I would if I wanted to. I mean that really depends on a lot of stuff.. like the outcome of the big dilema. and job stuff....
This new site idea just seems stupid sometimes. Sometimes not but most of the time... it just seems like a waste of time. and wonder if i should do what i always do and give up on it before giving it a chance and just applying at some stupid computery job doing stupid crap to make money for someone else and work crap hours andbe miserable like everyone else.  everyone keeps saying that "everyone hates their job".... with this undertone of judgement ringing through.. like I am immature and stupid because I dnt want to settle into a life i hate just because "everyone else" does it. Which isnt even true at all. I used to want to be an actress (which honestly just sounds stupid now). I really seriously wanted to but had no experience.. but i was too afraid and insecure. Sometimes I want to take classes or get a coach and try again bu again it all depends on other things. But trying and failing at that seems more inticing than succeeding at most other things. Besides acting.. i like music. but i suck at guitar. i still suck at drums. and it all just seems like a waste of time when i think of pursuing it s anything other than a hobby. the computer science crap all used to make sense. but now.. idk. i realize if i get into that again I'll just be asking for one of those 9-5 jobs and office politics and bs water cooler chit chat with some person who doesnt give a real crap what i have to say.. just tryng to get an angle to stab me in the back or gossip about me. Its what always seems to happen.
I just want to make a difference somehow. I realize now as I get older.. and older.. and older.. that that's asking a lot. So many people.. some people are just going to live ordinary lives... it takes a lot to actually do something with meaning or impact peoples lives in a positive way. One reason i wanted to be an actress was yeah it would be fun getting to play diffrent roles and personalities and pretty much "dress up" who doesnt love that... but also because of the influence they have.. some use it for evil (and by evil i mostly mean stupidity) but some are actually good people and try to give back and make the world better. I had so many ideas last year. One ws for a nonprofit organization. But nothing comes from it because I didnt believe in it enough. I feel more capable to do certain things now but still. its overwhelming. If i had a nickel for evry idea i had that didnt amount to anything.. I'd be rich.
Did you know you need a bachelors degree to join the peace corps...
Which brings me back to schoool. Its so expensive. Being in Europe I met so many people with masters degrees. Not just because its important in their culture but its also super cheap and in some cases pretty much free. I've always felt I'm stupider than I should be... and if that doest make sense... that's exactly my point. Wasted potential. Because of money. Even with financial aid. And then no financial aid because i was married and we made JUST enough to not qualify but hardly enough to afford a full schedule per semester. So I took a class here and there. But I was dumb and did computer classes because I was working and it made more sense.. at the time.. to learn more in my field. It should be a requirement to finish general ed classes before any others because at least then you have those out of the way and are half way to your degree even if you change your mind andd switch fields. I did it alll wrong. I read that frrance and germany are really cheap even for foriegners. Under $400 for an entire year cheap. Usually its more than that per semester... at a community college.
I was complaining about this the other day to tim.. and ended by saying i was really consdering going to school in europe for this reason. a few days later he told me that stanford or some big name school announced that they're going to be offering free courses too and if they do maybe i could go there or maybe other schools will follow their lead. I said thats awesome. But, not to be negative, I could never get into a school like that. Also.. it'll probably be years. So. unfortunately, it cant really benefit me now.
I just want to travel again. More. 2 months sounds like a lot but it was so short. it was nothing. i would have liked to slow down. Seen more cities in 1 country. Venture away from the center more. I'm so glad I went to cinque terre. I really feel like that was the most beautiful, authentic place I went.
I dont think I even wrote much about the rest of my travels after Prague. Vienna, Austria.... overrated. Budapest... nice. fun. I liked it. Venice was pretty cool. a little dirty... people seriously need to pick up after their dogs or teach them to go in appropriate places... but yeah it was unique. Florence was fun but thats around the time my cold was turning into bronccitis. Met cool people. It was pretty. Statue of David was so amazing. My Rom experience was terrible. I saw the colusseum and that was awesome but thats pretty much all I saw. Barcelona was.. great. I arrived sick but I got better by the end. I had a really good time there.. Even though I also didnt see much but supermarkets and cafes. London was expensive.. I had a good time thought because I stayed at a category 7 hyatt hotel.. andaz on liverpool. Didnt pay for it.. i earned 2 free nights by signing up for the credit card and spending like $1000 in 3 months. Just used it for rent one time. And it was cool because they had free sacks and drinks an the bed was really comfortable. My biggest travel regret by far.. not going to frane. What is wrong with me? I'm not exactly sure. I guess I just wasnt in the right state of mind after being sick so long and feeling tired and just wanting to rest... like really rest. be alone. no obligations. but if i could change things i think i would have definitely stayed longer.. i think i would have gone to geneva and stayed iwth a friend and then tried to woolf in france. or something. or jut straight to ffrance. i ended up spending a lot more than i wanted in order to come home early.. if i just used it to go there first and fly out of denmark or sweden or norway.. would have probably been cheaper. I dont know why i didnt think of it.. i mean i flew into denmark for less than $300.
Anyways. ANd now I'm back. Its been almost a month now its weird. Time keeps snowballing.
I've been purging stuff in the garage. Getting rid of anything and everything we dont need or use. Its hard... how do people collect so much stuff? And really.. we dont have a lot of suff compared to most people. Espcially since i did this same thing last year and when we moved.. but still... so much stuff.
I guess I'll sleep. This was long and pointless. And really negative but o well. I'm sad.
i never learn.

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a long time has passed. (48)
I may have been in my early twenties when i began this.
Time has seen fit to leave me with very vague memories.
I do know that it had been a particular awkward time in my life.
College. Depression. Feelings of utter despair for no real reason. Suicidal thoughts. And ultimately the passing of my mother.
Those moments in time I recorded here. Hidden away from prying eyes. Hidden away from myself.
After she passed, my mother Marcella, I only found it fitting to become a waste. I drownded myself in lovely cocaine and ever seductive drink.
And finally when I had lost everything. Money. Happiness. Dignity. Friends. I left. I ranaway. I ran to SinCity.
While there my indulgences only grew and grew. My hunger for nothingness became almot insatiable. And I paid the price.
Met many a good friend. Lost many more good friends. Homelessness. Emptiness. Sadness. And eventually a mission.
The LVRM. A rehab program centered around my only loving enemy at the time - Jesus. Go figure.
I stayed. I sobered up. I became SAVED. I met the father of my three beautiful children. And we ran away to hell. Texas.
Terrible ups and downs. Terrible lies. Fighting. Pain. And violence. And CPS. And than clarity.
Jobs. Money. He and I became partners in crime instead of enemies out of love. We had our girl. Then another. And then the boy.
Still happiness faded. Texas suffocated. Dry. Boring. I was not bred country tough. I was born urban smart. And the dullness became too much.
So we ran away back to SinCity. And I find myself happier. My heart lighter. My mind at ease. And I am ready to give theRiot, ShyThug, and the RuckPup all the adventure they can stand.

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1304 (291)
I feel like I have no purpose in life anymore. 
At that time in my life my purpose was to be with my dog. 
And now what?
"What's wrong, what's wrong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs.
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside
With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside
. ...And now you can't find

What you left behind
Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's falling behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's falling from grace
She's all over the place yeah
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside
With no place to go
No place to go to
Dry her eyes
Broken inside
She's lost inside lost inside
She's lost inside lost inside"
-Avril Lavigne - Nobodys Home
"And the people here are asking after you
It doesn't make it easier
It doesn't make it easier"
-Dashboard Confessionals - A Plain Morning

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1303 (225)
"Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon"
-Eve 6

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[959] every gambler knows (131)
so then 
so then so then
i don't know
here's the thing it's that i know i have crushes on people all the time, but i don't necessarily want them. i want the idea of them, i want this idea of a life i want the thought, the daydream, the imagination, but i don't want the reality of them and that's fine. i can deal with that, i can handle that i've always handled that (just not always well)
but does anybody want the idea of me
is the thing
does anybody ever look at me from across the room, does anybody ever look at me and think 
does anybody ever just
i just want to know that somebody considers
and that's so juvenile and i don't even think i want to date anyone i don't think i want to have sex i don't think i want a traditional relationship but then what if there is a relationship out there for me 
i don't know. it's stupid. i don't want to date anyone but i want someone to want to date me and that is a stupid hangup.
i'm happy by myself, i'm happy in my own space doing my own thing. 
i don't know where i was going with this. i guess i'm just lonely sometimes. but not really (but a little). 
but i know i'd rather be lonely by myself than lonely with someone else. so i've got that going for me at least.

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1302 (243)
Its so quiet.
There's no heavy breathing in my room.  No groans or grunts.  No rustle of the dog bed as he circles before plopping down with a grunt.  No more almost raspberry sound and slight whine when he wants my attention. No more rustle of the christmas lights as he pokes his nose out the door.
In the morning: 
No more nose stuck in my face and the slight whine to get my attention/wake me up at 6am.  No more going down the stairs half asleep one step at a time in time with my dogs steps down.  No more reason to open the door to let him outside to go potty.  No more standing on the landing  with my "gimme gimme" hands to get him to come back upstairs with me.  No more scarf on the floor to wedge between the door so the dog doesn't feel trapped with the door closed.  No more pants on the floor to catch the door from flying wide open when he finally makes it up the stairs and barges into the door with his nose.  No more black marks on the door frame and door from his nose and body rubbing against it.  No more laying in bed and looking over at him laying on his bed or standing expectantly waiting for me to get up.  No more dog hair on my sheets.  No more dog leaning against the mattress as he lowers himself to the ground.  No more dog hair on the side of the box spring and mattress where he lays. No more pulling out a random hand out to the edge of the bed so the dog can nudge me some more and so I can pet his head.  No more explaining I want to rest for another 45 minutes as he wakes up cuz my roommate is getting ready for work and/or my alarm wakes him.  No more frantic turn around towards the door when I finally get out of bed.  No more opening the door wide to make him feel comfortable first thing in the morning.  No more nose sniffing the pants I decide to wear that morning and putting them on carefully as not to knee the dog in the nose as he sniffs. No more nose cautiously stepping onto the bathroom floor in order to sniff me as I'm brushing my hair.  No more expectant look when I got to the closet to get a washcloth wondering if I'm going downstairs.  No more bed to haul downstairs for the dog to lay on when I leave.  No more turning on the lights so the dog can see the stairs. No more taking the stairs one at a time along side the dog a second time in the morning.  No more urgency to open the door first to let the dog out, again.  No more reason to put on a jacket and shoes while I wait for the dog to come back in. No more interest in the weather outside, stepping out onto the porch and taking in the morning air. No more daily pills and breakfast for the dog.  No more eating my food and taking my pills and then getting his pills and food ready.  No more pushing down food into his tray from the feeder.  No more clanking on the water bowl from his dog tags when he drinks.  No more reason to refill water bowl.  No more cans of wet dog food to appease him in his old age when food and walks are his only joy in life.  No more dog sitting on the carpet piece in the kitchen while he waits and watches me fix my food and sit down and eat.  No more curious and brave dog to trek across the kitchen floor sniffing for any dropped food when I sit down to eat. No more click clack of his claws on the floor as he carefully walks from carpet piece to the front room. No more slow and awkward walk as the dog stands direcly in front of me in the front room and I'm trying to get around him as he looks expectantly at me.  No more putting down all my stuff for work in order to open the door and call "Last call for potty".  No more being late cuz the dog takes a while to go potty.  No more reason to say "I'm going buh bye, you stay stay."  No more knowing look that says he knows.  No more reason to say "I woof you" in my silly manner as I shut the door and lock it. No more poop to pick up from the lawn before I drive away.  
In the evening:
No more reason to go home. No more reason to rush any errands in order to get home before 6:30 or 7 in order to let the dog go potty. No more dog to jolt awake when I unlock the door. No more of my favorite stance the dog does when I come home and I use my giddy voice asking him out he is.  No more giddy silly nicknames to call out.  "My max a doodle, my noodle, my oodle oddles, my macarune, my puppies, cutest puppies in the whole wide world" No more of his head ducking out of my reach when I try to pet him.  No more unamused look when he's done with the giddy greeting and wants to go outside.  No more two second greeting before he's done and staring at the door expectantly like I"m not there and I proclaim, "Oh fine, go potty"  and he happily patters outside. No more reason to leave the door open while I gather a dog bag and mail box keys, leaving the groceries or whatnot and going outside with the door.  No more walk down to the grass area and the mail box with a slow and curious sniffing dog the whole way.  No more dog looking up at me from the grass area watching me walk out of sight to the mailbox and looking for me to come back.  No more dog to follow directly behind me when I take the garbage to the street.  No more dog lagging behind and stopping in the middle of the parking lot or sidewalk watching me take the garbage out and not wanting to follow me at times.  No more standing waiting and watching as the dog walks around the yard and picks at the grass trying to eat the good parts.  No more dog in the bushes picking the leaves off and eating them.  No more reason to ask, "are you done yet?"  and using my body language to indicate I was going back to the house.  No more dog to literally follow me back to the house.  No more dog going up the wrong sidewalk to the wrong house and me always correcting him, "One more sidewalk, one more baby"  No more opening the door for an expectant dog.  No more dog to watch me excitedly as I either put on a jacket or take one off wondering if we are going for a walk that night. No more dog that wants/expects me to go to the kitchen for dinner first and foremost.  No more impatient dog with his slight whine and blowing raspberry sound when I dont go to the kitchen for dinner first.  No more nose nudging when I lay on the couch or lay in bed for a quick nap instead of make dinner.  No more reason to get dinner cuz I dont need to feed the dog wet food anymore.  No more watching the clock and mentally setting up times to eat in order to get the dog his pain pills with dinner so I dont have to feed him twice.  No more looking at the clock and wondering how long I've left the dog at home.  No more counting hours.  No more accomodating dogs potty schedule.  No more watching TV with a wandering dog around the front room.  No more nose poking while on the couch.  No more petting his head when he puts it up in my lap.  No more dog sleeping when I watch TV.  No more jumpy dog to get up everytime me or my roommate laughs or coughs or sneezes.  No more reason to open the door at night to let the dog go potty before bed.  No more hauling a bed upstairs for the dog to sleep on.  No more going upstairs and waiting for a dog to follow soon after.  No more heavy breathing as he gets up the stairs and goes straight for his drinking water before getting his wet mug all over my sheets and blankets.  No more circling his bed and plopping down.  No more stepping over his bed to get to the desk to sit and read.  No more dog head on my leg to pet as I read distractedly.   No more nervous jumpy dog to get up when I am done reading and kneel at my bed.  No more plugging in Christmas lights in order to see the dog in the middle of the night if he has nightmares or at 6am before the sun comes up and he wants to go outside.  No more accidental poops on his bed.  No more faint shadow of his white haired framed face in the dark by the bed, in the doorway, laying on his bed.  No more heavy breathing through nose/snoring, no more nightmares, no more twitches and kicks of his legs on a noisy bed.  No more ear aches. No more licking noises as he licks his front legs cuz they hurt.  No more staring at each other in our beds.  No more of my smiles to will him to get up and come over for a pet on the head.  No more dog to hug or attempt to snuggle when I'm sad.  No more dog to walk away nervously when I cry.  
In general:  No more dog jumping at the sound of a wrapper indicating food.  No more dog getting up and poking at nose at me when I cough.  No more nervous dog eyes.  No more of the dog being scared of things in general like kids, cats, balloons, water, toy guns, yelling, play fighting, the hardwood floor, etc.  No more dog pulling away a paw from my grasp or head pulling away from my reach.  No more nips at long sleeves when he greets me.  No more jumps at the doorbell, loud noise or whistle on TV, or thought he heard something.  No more yelp at Gmas when he's outside and wants in.  No more heavy breathing when he gets excited or b/c of pain in his last days. No more digging for moles in the yard. No more cuteness greeting when I come home.  No more trips to Gmas or parents. No more holidays to which the dog gorges on food. No more scary holidays with fireworks. No more dog to sniff guests or family members.  No random sniffings when I come home from an activity and he wants to know where I've been.  No more baths, vet visits, brushings, or otherwise scary activities.  No more treats to give.  No one to give my left over food to, no more vaccum for the kitchen floor when I drop things.  No more reason to go outside period.  No more reason to come home. 
When you make a list like this you notice the things you took for granted. 
It is hard to go home now. Its hard to see all the places he's been, his home, his bed, his food and water, his hair, his yard, his leash, his pills, his carpets he needs on the hard floors, his dog bags, his treats.  Its hard knowing I'll never see him in that place again.  After he left I couldn't stand to be in the house.  I had to leave. 
Its easier to go and be places that he couldn't come with me, that he normally isn't there.  So getting in the car and driving away is normal without the dog and it felt better.  Going to the store or a church activity is normal without the dog. Going to work or the movies is normal without the dog and feels much better. Home is another story. 
So I went to the foot doctor to see about my ingrown toenail finally after like two years. I had some bouts of crying but they stopped by the time I got into the doc. I stood at the counter and gave my information and practiced breathing technics. They prolly thought I was weird breathing like that.  I didn't care what the doc did or said to me.  I was a zombie, just there.  I didnt care if he didn't listen or didn't explain or if I didn't like him.  I didn't even care how long they left me in that room waiting for the doc each time he left. I read through a magazine to distract myself and texted my mom telling her the dog is gone.  Gone is such an ambiguous word.  The doc shot me a few times with a needle to numb my toe which hurt bad, left me forever to let it numb, came back and cut something and bandaged it all up and sent me home with instructions to soak it later in epson salt.  That does not sound pleasant. 
Hobbling out of the doctors office cuz of a giant numb toe in a weird way validated my emotions through something physical, like my body and my emotions were talking to each and together they made me limp to the car.  It made me feel more secure or something.  It was odd.  I got out of the doctors office at 5:30 so it was rush house traffice.  Everyone was going south so the only open lane was the freeway going north. So I went and then traffic clogged up at 7th north so I took that exit and ended up at Gmas.  She's not usually the one I need in such situations, but she was prolly the best option I had, if I had to have someone to talk to. I've ended up at her house on random weekends without the dog to complain about the dog and the decision to end it.  She got all the disaster leading up to this decision, she might as well see the end of the disaster as I finally make the decision.  She, of course, will help me take care of myself physically as I do not feel the need to do such at that time.  She fed me and helped me soak my toe as I was afraid of salt and maybe an open wound.  She attempted to get me to stay overnight as I told her how hard it was at the house.  She distracted me with family business as usual and her quilting for the new babies. 
But now its just random moments of sudden reality slamming into me. My dog is gone. 
It was so quiet in my room.  I didn't know what to do.  I sat on my bed and stared in silence. I was scared to fall asleep.  I laid staring at the walls in silence until the pills took me. I didn't want to wake up thinking my dog was there and wanted to go to the bathroom.  I didnt want to forget and look around my room and remember.  I had to rearrange my bed so I wasn't looking in the general direction of the dogs bed when I woke up.  I didn't turn on the Christmas lights either.  That was for me to be able to see and watch my dog as he sleeps sometimes. 
I thought ending all this would make everything alright if I knew I did it for the right reasons.  But even the right reasons doesn't make this feel better. The aftermath of him physically not being here seems much worse than the right reasons, hence the selfishness to keep him. 
The Day:
I took off work to be with him until his 2pm death sentence.  We did the things he wanted to do and in between I cleaned in order to not think and/or freak out.  I did the dishes and cleaned my room.  I didnt start getting rid of all of his stuff so as to alarm him, but I kinda wanted to stuff it all in a closet right then.  When I wasn't cleaning we did what he loves most.  Eating.  He pritti much ate a whole can of wet food, my last can, breakfast and lunch.  He loved it.  Loved licking the bowl clean.  And then we went on walks.  His other favorite.  The only two joys in life as he doesn't know how to "play" and is scared of everything else.  We went for two short walks.  Tried to keep busy so I wouldn't think.  I gathered his things in the car and he was excited as usual looking expectantly as the door he wanted to go in.  He didn't make the landing when he jumped in, of course, so I hefted him the rest of the way.  I think he scratched up my new black car getting in.  But he got in and was happy.  Still heavy breathing.  My stomach felt so sick.  I drove away.  Longest drive to the vet ever, actually it was all too quick.  He jumped out of the car just fine, ready to go.  He checked out the grass so it took a minute to point him toward the door. He knows that door, that smell, that place.  He doesn't like it.  He wouldn't go in.  So I went in first cuz I knew he'd follow me.  That made my stomach even sicker.  I donated the rest of his medication and paid $204 and consented to his death and I waited for awhile in the waiting room with Max staring at the door.  All the other times he's been in he was able to come back out and leave with me.  I wonder what he thought. I wonder if he knew.  I know he was scared.
She said we could come back and helped me spread the blanket on the floor so he would walk down the hallways.  He wouldn't go and searched frantically for a safe spot in between carpets and blankets.  So I went first cuz I knew he'd follow me.  And he did.  He made it down like two hallways without blankets cuz he was simply following me.  We went into a dingy, small, concrete floor room with a single Precious Moments blanket on the floor and two chairs.  I think I know why they had the rocking chair in there now that I think about it.  They had cute little bookmark and poem memorabilia for the owner to take. The door frame had bite marks and dog scratches all over it as I could imagine a lot of dogs attempted to escape that room. I put all my stuff down on the rocking chair and ready to hold my dog as they poked him.  But the two ladies came in, thank goodness it was the lady doctor today, the other held Max with her back to me so I couldn't see from where I was, which was okay.  There was no touch to calm Max as he was scared and she picked the leg I think hurts him the most to poke.  Then they left for a minute er so while I sat on the blanket and waited for him to sit down also as he couldn't walk to well with being poked and bandaged.  They came back and poked him in the butt with a sedative.  He tried to walk around with that also, but I moved again on the blanket and told him to sit by me and he eventually laid down by me.  He knew the sedative was taking him and he tried to get up a few times but I pulled him back down and got the closet I've ever been to cuddling him without him pulling away from me.  In time his eyes did the weird creepy half way open thing he does when he sleeps sometimes.  I kissed his head and told him I loved him.  Throughout the whole thing I was telling him the pain would go away, esp after they poked his weakest arm.  He was scared and prolly in pain so he breathed heavily until the sedation.  He was so quiet.  The doc came in and asked if I had ever done this before. I said no and she explained what might happen after he stops breathing.  She put the overdose of anesthia in his IV and it took like 30 seconds for his heart and lungs to stop.  She stayed and confirmed he was done breathing, called it a peaceful ending or something, took his collar off for me, and said I could stay as long as I wanted to.  I got all teary as she said this and she left.  I almost wanted to burst into tears as she put the anesthia in simply because the liquid was pink.  The irony.  My love of the color pink is what killed my dog.  Maybe I dont like pink anymore. 
And I finally got to cuddle my dog.  I got to bury my head in his neck and just bawl.  I got to hold his paws with him pulling away. I got to cry  without him being nervous and licking his chops or attempting to walk away.  He was so still.  I didn't realize how jumpy he was at everything I did until he stopped.  He didn't turn his face to me to make me pull away.  He didn't pull away or move or anything.  I know he jumps at the sound of his collar tags clanking cuz he loves that collar.  Its like his badge of honor.  It means he can go for walks.  Even in that room after he was so still I tried to keep the collar tags silenced so he wouldn't jump or get excited.  I realized he wasn't going to so I jingled them just in spite.  I took pictures of his paw in my hand out of spite cuz he never let me hold his paw.  I gloated about the fact I could look at his ear cuz I'm pritti sure he had another ear ache going cuz he shook his more often.  So I got a cue tip and poked in his ear and expected him to pull his head away. I gloated that I finally got to cuddle him and took full advantage to finally getting some snuggle time. I looked at the clock and gave myself a time limit.  I dont remember how long I was there.  But I moved his body into a more Max position and the realization stuck me even harder.  His limp body.  
I prayed to God on top of his chest that didn't move up and down anymore. I thanked God for the dog he let me borrow, for the time we had together, for the love we shared. I asked God to forgive me for keeping him alive when He told me to let him go.  I asked Max to forgive me for the extra pain he might have suffered because I was too selfish and in denial about letting him go.  I asked God to take care of my Max and give him something to do and maybe teach him how to play fetch.  I asked God cuz I wanted to make sure he wasn't in pain anymore and that he would be okay not following me around anymore. I know how important that was to Max.  I asked for any help, strength or courage to be able to move on without Max that day and in the future. 
I got up and gathered my things and I stared at him on the floor, not coming with me.  So still, so silent. No eyes to look back at me. (We spent a lot of time staring at each other the last few nights) Not like my dog. I stepped out the door and couldn't close the door so I left it a crack open, stared one more time before walking away.  I was fine until I got the door Max stared at scared a while ago, wanting out, wanting to go home.  I walked out the door without Max.  I got into my car without Max. I put the stuff in the car like I had Max coming with me. I looked in the backseat and there was no Max.  I just left him there. I just left him there. I did not even allow myself to even attempt to think about what they were going to do to him when I left. I just left that picture of him on that blanket in my mind. I think I hate Precious Moments now.  I cried hard and drove through tears cursing the school to let children out before 3pm on the dot and tried not to run any of them down.  I drove home even though I knew it would hurt.  I allowed myself to be angry for a moment as I got in the house and immediately started washing his empty food feeder and water bowl.  I yanked his beds out of my bedroom and through one outside and stuffed the other in a closet.  I shoved his collar and leash in another closet.  I through anything with his hair on it into the washer.  I cried loudly and tried to leave no sign of him behind.  I had to leave at 3:30 for the doctors appointment.  It was easy leaving the house.  It was easier walking away from the memories of him being in that house and the fact he should prolly be in there right now as I left. 
I just left him there. 
My room is so quiet. My first night sleeping without him in forever. 
He was so quiet, so still, no grunts or groans or heavy breathing.  
I guess he never was a crier.  He'd moan when he hurt or stress breathe.
He's gone.  He really is gone. 
Going to the doctors afterward and then to Gmas and home to shower and go to bed was too normal a thing to do after such an event.  I feel like I needed/wanted to do something dramatic or irrational. 
He never got to see/step on Gmas new carpet.  He likes carpet. 
He's not coming home with me for Easter in two weeks.  He wont be around for my bday.  He wont go up with me to babysit the kids anymore. 
I think I can pinpoint the worst day of my entire life.  March 24, 2015.
The worst day I had back in July 2006 was also a huge turning point in my life, so therefore it may have ultimately been a good thing.  So unless losing my dog gets me a husband, this date is definitely the worst day ever.
I've never had anyone close to me pass away. The second Grandma L passed, I loved her, but she was kinda scary.  So I went to Gma for comfort when my dog died, who am I going to go for comfort when she goes? I dont have a dog to cry on anymore.
My roommate told me about her eye doc appointment and laughed loudly about her dilated eyes when I got home from the worst day of my life.  Really?  She asked how I was first.  Really?  I'm still alive. He's not.
It feels wrong to think about all the things I can do now that he's gone.  The places I can go, the lack of time frame I have, things I can do overnight or late into the night.  Weekends I can disappear or never leave home and not feel bad the dog is stuck at home either way.  Not having to be there to get him dinner or for his pills. I can get excited about something and totally forget the time. It kinda makes me sick to think about such.  I dont want to leave the house for hours and hours just because I can now without feeling guilty about the dog, but it hurts to be inside the house at the same time. 
I dreamed about this day and I have dreaded this day. I dreamed about what it would be like to sleep in without a potty break or three before 7am.  I dreamed that I could sleep in past 8 cuz I didnt have to give a dog a pill.  But then I dreaded the day also. I knew once the dream came true I wouldn't want it to be that way.  That fear is real. 
The fear of him physically not being there hurting the most is real.  I wasn't crazy in my selfishness. I knew.
It was easier to break up with a boyfriend cuz he didn't live there.  Cuz I didnt love him like I loved Max. I could go home and veg out in front of all five seasons of Leverage or Firefly and forget the ex, distract myself.  But now when I lock myself in my room to veg out it just brings back memories.  There was a reason I kicked Evan to the curb when I bought a new house.  A new start. A new house not tainted with those memories.  The dog came like 8 months afterward tho...
I said he'd make it one more winter at least last fall.  And he did. Techinically spring started the 20th of March.  But we had such a mild winter, it was practically spring in February.  Prolly another reason he lasted so long. 
All I ate 3/24 was the last package of poptarts simply so Max could eat the ends I dont like and/or have burnt.  Then I finished off the rest of my left over beans I had around noon.  By like 7pm at night I wanted popcorn and pineapple.  But Gma kept me at her house and fed me a cup of ramen, some toast, a deviled egg, a cookie and attempted some ice cream and of course her veggie tray (that I didnt touch).
I guess I just needed a day to prepare and spend time with him.  I have a lot of vacation days I prolly wont get through this year and I didnt get use one when I should've when I got a sinus infection so I didn't feel bad taking a day off for this.
He's been with me in that house for a year and a half.  Thas a long time.  The last seven months being on a pill schedule to help his arthritis.  That schedule is now gone.  Now what do I do.  5pm will roll around today at work and then I'll say, "Now what?"
I got a cheap temporary camera thingy and took pictures almost all 24 of him the last two days.  Hopefully some of them turn out.  The lighting wasn't great in the house and it was gloomy and rainy the other days, not much sun outside.  Gma showed me the pic that I made Max take with me professionaly a few years ago. It almost made me burst into tears again. Now I need a shoebox aka memory box to put all of Max's stuff in. A bunch of pictures, collar, tags, etc.   Something to help me close this chapter.  I closed the Evan chapter by finishing my scrapbook with the end of the year and leaving the beginning of a new year open. 
I can walk straight through the front room without stepping around his bed in the middle. 
I feel better at work cuz its normal he's not around.  But it still feels wrong to have a good day at work.  It usually feels better around noon.  But I feel I shouldn't be so happy.  I know I wont when I have to go home. 
I feel like I"ve forgotten what it feels like to hold his leash in my hand as we walk already. 
I'm not looking forward to my first trip up north without him tho for Easter.  That'll be hard. I couldn't stay overnight at Gmas without him. 
But 15 or 16 years is a good enough age for a dog to be done with life. With or without the pain.
But I had to focus on the pain in order to convince myself it was the right thing and to actually do it.  And actually focusing on the pain let me see it more.  I didn’t know Saturday when I freaked out and couldn't make the appointment.  Well, I thought I didn't know.  I think I did know but didnt want to know.  Anyways, but on Sunday I knew.  I could see the pain.  And I knew. 

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Goals to achieve before ten year HS reunion (55)
- get back in touch with, apologize to, and come out to Morgan
- get my first tattoo(s)
- grow an impressive beard
- have less boobs
- have more social confidence
- be able to sing well in public
- practice and improve skill at off the cuff humor
- have one proud career accomplishment
- grow literacy in activism & make some conversational material to share
- work toward building the anarchoqueer commune foster home school subsistence farm of my dreams

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1301 (253)
To summarize:
Tomorrow I'm putting my dog of 15 years, give or take, down to rest.
Needless to say, I have to take the day off work morrow. 
I'm not talking to any of you. 
If you need me I'll be in some corner of the universe crying. 
Its not even a matter of if its the right time or not anymore.
Its killing ME to kill HIM.
My selfishness to keep him longer has turned and now I just want to grieve and let him and I move on. 
I love you, Max.  We had some good times. Roller blading with you was pritti awesome.
Reasons I am putting Max down:
Quality of life is down because he can’t be with me when I go places. 
The last few nights he hasn’t slept well….  Either nightmares or pain? – I can’t listen to it anymore. I don’t know if its pain or nightmares.  He knows something is going to happen.  He knows.  He’s really in deep sleep, it takes a while to wake him from his twitches and heavy or quick breathing. I suppose he's not a crier when in pain, although I've heard him cry in his sleep cuz of nightmares.  I dont know anymore.
His moan and groan and occasional pop when he gets up or down
The look in his eyes – deal breaker
The stiff walk when outside
The lack of walks he can take
The lack of muscle in his back legs
The way he favors his front legs and protects them the most, licks them
Can’t get in or out of the new car very well – can’t come with me – deal breaker
Can’t go on day trips anymore to Gmas let alone weekends at parents house – can’t come with me – deal breaker
He hears things, I’m not sure he actually looks at you when he looks, also….
He sways, lack of balance sometimes, falls over
He licks more again – licking indicates pain
He breathes heavy again which the doc called ‘stress breathing’ cuz of pain again
He drinks a lot more again
Therefore I don’t think the pain killers are working as long anymore
Every once in a while he can’t make it outside to poop and goes inside
His only joys in life are food and walks (it always has been tho… He doesn’t “play”)
The past few days he’s been shaking his head every once in a while, not constantly when he had an ear ache tho and he hasn’t been rubbing his ear to the ground yet and moaning like he did with ear ache
He doesn’t let me touch him much or certain times of the day, his head his neck – when I come home I try to pet him and he kinda nips until I tell him to go potty and in the morning he’ll come wake me up but not get close enough for me to actually touch him head/neck…
He can go up the stairs but, depending on time of day and medication, he has a hard time coming down the stairs but he still does it for me despite the pain, he breathes heavy when he gets to the top – I don’t really want to wait for that point when he can’t/gives up going up or down in order to follow me around.  Seeing him want to and unable to or doing it despite the pain would make me really sad  - deal breaker
He never knew where his house was…. Always walks over to 631 instead… but he’s never been good at directions
He gets up or is jolted awake every time I make a noise or the TV sometimes. – always seemed to be worried about me and Maddy

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[1980] Good morning, America... (68)
Yeah. I'm back in California.
After 50 days backpacking through europe. Its strange. It feels like i never left. I knew it would. Grr. I just woke up and it sounds stupid but it really does feel like it was all just a dream. I went there to think and figure out what i wanted.. in my current situation and in life. and I'm laying here realizing i didnt figure out much. I feel like i learned a few lessons and grew a lot.. and that's why i think overall it was a good experience.. amazing really.  But for the intended purpose of the trip.. i failed. I just came back with more unanswered questions. More doubt and fears. More regrets and mistakes. But also experience and stories and memories and friends and adventures and desire to learn things i was too afraid of attempting and talking to anyone and looking strangers in the eyes... sometimes.. finding that part of me that used to be bold. And being independent or at least getting there and knowing i could be if i had to be. Among other things.
Its too cliche to say "i found myself". Anyways i dont think i did. Not quite. But. I think if you go to a new place like that for a short time like a week or 2 you wont find much.. but backpack on your own through various countries for almost 2 months and yeah.. i didnt fiiiind myself. But parts. Definitely found small parts that i know are who i really am. Things that I didnt know before. Things that would probably be considered small and insignificant to anyone else. 
I have no idea what to do. In this moment and in life. I'm not at a fork in the road.. I've been pushed out of a plane into the ocean and abandoned.. no idea where i will end up with any direction i go. I could just wait and drift and see where it gets me.. or i could just pick a direction and swim and end up somewhere i dont want to be.. or maybe somewhere i do.
The more i try to figure things out..  the more i realize maybe some things cant be figured out or solved.. maybe they will always be a part of me.. creating the lines on my face that unapologetically remind people of the things I've lost.
I dont have a car right now. I might take a bus to surprise my mom for lunch. She doesnt know I'm back since i made the decision only 3 days ago.  Told her i wanted to skype today. Well yesterday and she said today on her lunch break would be better. Which is good cuz i got back and fell asleep around 7pm and slept through the night. To be in this bed again is amazing.. hostel beds suck. Well.. theyre not as terrible as i thought theyd be but still they arent very comfortable.  

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246 - Update #1 (111)
Well, shit. 
Time for an update, I suppose. 
It's been an interesting few years, to say the least. Things aren't even remotely close to what they were. For starters, I've worked many jobs since then. I've gone through several relationships since then, and I've even finally gotten my own place. I had my own car for a while too. It was fantastic. 
Job - wise, I worked for this duct cleaning company for a while, and then I was unemployed for a while before landing a job with an inventory counting company. From there, I got a job at a Pub here in town, and worked there for quite some time before I landed another full time job in Pickering. That didn't pan out too well, because my car ended up dying and I couldn't drive out there any longer. Luckily, my sister was working for a car dealership and got me a job there. They have adjusted my schedule since then, so I've picked up another part time job in the morning working at a Dog kennel. Working two jobs during the day, 6 days a week sucks ass, but it pays the bills so I can't complain too much. 
I'm on my own again though. I found a place a little North of where I was living for a decent price, and it's the entire top floor of this old Century home, built back in the late 1800's. I love it. It's in a tiny town with little to no traffic and a small population, which suits me just fine. I also had my own car for a while. My dad bought this '03 Pontiac Grand Am a few years back and ended up selling it to me when he bought himself a new Chevy Cruze. I loved that Grand Am. I learned how to drive in it, I had a lot of good times in it...I loved it. I drove it until last year, when the catalytic converter went, which wasa pricey fix that I just couldn't afford. So I sold her to a woman in North Bay, because their emission regulations are totally different than down here.
Ah well. 
I've got to get up and face the day, however. I'll finish updating you later. I've got a whole mess of relationship stuff to get through, which is probably an entry unto itself. 

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1300 (59)
I can tell you about my physical woes. 
It feels like these are a lot of physical woes that happened all at the same time.
I've been taking Vitamin C like every weekday for like 2-4 years now and so now getting the common cold is like rare and/or lasts for one week (1/2 of normal time it takes to get over a cold). 
But this time, I got attacked from all sides and even my Vitamin C immune system preparation couldn't withstand it.  
First I got a tooth extraction on a Monday.  I mean I already had the tooth (crown) out cuz it fell out practically already so I had my first gap in my teeth since I was little, but this gap was a little more permanent than any others I've had.  Usually I get a root canal and have to wait for the crown to be ordered, so I have a gap for awhile then too.  But this is literally no tooth, no root, no post, nothing, goes straight to the jaw line.  Kind of like getting your wisdom teeth ripped out.  One level lower than that.  
So I've never had a tooth extracted, at least a tooth I needed (just the wisdom teeth), extracted so I was kinda freaked out by that.  They put you out when doing wisdom teeth. Very surgical like.  He just numbed me for this one. Nobody really told me much about it beforehand....like maybe should I be driving after this?
Anyways I have the tooth extraction so I can start the tooth implant process which takes months.  First tooth needs to be completely gone, a month or two to heal, then they drill this rod up into the bone, let the bone heal around the rod thingy for like 6 months, and then they screw on an implant, fake tooth to the rod that was drilled in there.  So that'll cost me about $1,200 with insurances help and I'll have my first implant at age 27. 
Gma said she had all her teeth out by 39.  She's had dentures for a long time!  She's like 85 years old this year! Crazy.  
Well, if I start the implant process at 27 I'll prolly have a mouthful of implants by the time I'm 39 so I dont have to do dentures, and hopefully they'll be spaced out enough I can pay for them one at a time...
Anyways.... Now this extraction was on my right side upper jawline, the jawline that has been known to give me sinus issues in the past.  I always get a 'tooth ache' but its really just my sinuses above the teeth making them hurt.  So I get sinus infections a lot and I go to the dentist for my 'tooth ache' and he gives me antibiotics.  Wheee.  So much easier than getting them from a family doc.  
So the next two days I was in pain.  Granted I understand you should have some pain from such an extraction, but this pain woke me up in the middle of the night, twice.  Then I realized it felt like a tooth ache, like before, cept there was no tooth there!  Slight problem.  So I realized it was my sinuses going all awry, which I can't really blame them they were just violated a few days before.  
And then the weather decided to go against me also and it finally rained/snowed for the first time this year during the winter!  And my sinuses hate it when theres moisture in the air!  So that didn't help the pain. 
So between the extraction on Monday, the rain/snow on Tues, and waking up in pain I went back to the dentist on Wednesday and decided to rule out pain from any type of infection or dry socket from my extraction so I would know it was a sinus issue.  
Dry socket was another issue.  I was so freaked out I would lose the blood clot up there and expose the bone.  I hear its really painful.  Everyone said I'd know if I had it.  But I was still in pain and I didn't know.  
But he gave me the dry socket medication and a prescription for antibiotics so I would go away cuz I just walked in his office and interupted his day....  :D  Thats how its done, kids. 
But he said my extraction was healing just fine.  That's what I thought.  It must be sinus issues.  I wanted the remedies and then I was going to listen to my body and then use whichever remedy it needed.
That night I went home and I had a fever.  Totally indicating I had a sinus infection.  I was so glad I already got the antibiotics earlier that day.  
I don't take sick days, like ever.  Usually sitting at a desk doing minimual tasks is still doable when I'm sick. But I actually thought about calling in sick.  Needless to say I didn't make it into work on time (I stopped to get my prescription filled) and of course, the one day I think about calling sick the boss calls me first thing in the morning and starts hollering about where I am and then starts in on his problem without letting me answer the first question.... He just goes on about his silly little problems (to me) and telling me I need to fix his (tiny, 5 minute) problem.  Seriously, the one day... 
So I drug myself into work after the store and fixed his 5 minute problem by calling one person, in which he stormed into said persons office prolly like 5 minutes after I called her... and supposedly 'fixed' the problem himself... and then I sat in agony the rest of the day....  Debating on leaving his needy butt halfway during the day.  I totally should of.  But then I started feeling better that afternoon.  The morning, when he supposedly needed me, was the worst bit of it.  The rest of the day was slow and then I felt better.  Curses. 
It is weird to say I rather like sinus infections (verses other sicknesses), mainly cuz I've had them enough I know the remedies to make them go away, just the fact anitbiotics CAN make them go away is better to me than a cold with lack of effective remedies?  I get them like twice a year now.  And lately they've come in the form of 'tooth aches'.  Argh.
So yeah, now I have a tooth extraction, fear of dry socket and a sinus infection on top of that.
But I've had a toe problem for a while now.  Since Oct 2013 specifically.... Its been an on and off kind of thing for a few years.  Its just a bubble of discoloration on my big toe that hurts with pressure applied and sometimes spews out white pus.  Eeewww.  I have never had a problem with my feet before, they are (were) my best feature!  Now my toe is all gross!  Usually I put peroxide on it and a bandaid and it goes away.  But its not working this time.  So I finally made a foot doc appointment. Prolly my first one ever. He'll prolly say its in an ingrown toenail.  What's the remedy for that?  Its like I'm getting old and every thing is falling apart. 
But the pus and swelling and tenderness on the toe suggests an infection also, so I feel like I'm full of infections, or potential for infections (extraction) and I wonder if the anitbiotics will help them all... or any. The day I got the anitibiotics I read a news headline of a virus that antibiotics can't even touch, some new virus that is immune to antibiotics or something.  *shudder*
Needless to say, last week I felt like of crappy!  I'm diseased! 
And now the period is on its way.  That's a whole nother ballpark kids.  I think I'll be on constant IB Profen for another week or two...  But I'm still sure my heart will quit before my liver does!  Based on family history... 

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Untitled (74)
Its been a nice weekend. Caity and I have started counseling and I feel a little hope that everything will work out the way team Craity dreams. We haven't told Valerie any of our dreams and it makes things really difficult. I always feel like I'm living a lie and it can be hard to differentiate which is truth. Valerie comes over maybe three times every two weeks and spends the night. I never get sleep on those nights and I feel it's murder on my body. I also threw out my back in some way and have been acting something far different from my age. I can feel that Caity is trying to make me happy, and it makes me feel like I'm part of a marriage. I still am not ready to return the favor, for which I feel a little guilty; I just feel so dryed up. But I'm happier in my marriage than I've been in a while and I feel like we can work out the kinks. There are a lot of kinks still.
Caity is in Nashville right now working on training for a new position at work. I'm proud of her. I'm also scared shitless that I am not the kind of hubby that deserves fidelity. That she is going to enjoy herself like a single girl.
Her being away also complicates things at home. We have continued the relationship with Val though it doesn't seem to be helping anything. And now Val wants all my time and attention and I have no desire to give her any(it always feels like wasted time). Today I went to game with friends and she apparently was invited. She was a smart choice for inviting, but she insisted I give her a ride which meant at the end of the night she was hoping for sex. I really don't want to be in a relationship where I have sex when my wife is away. It just isn't who I want to be in my relationship with Caity. I won most of gaming which always makes me feel really good and then decided to call it a night at 9:30. Val asked if I could take her home and I (feeling relieved that she wanted to go to her house) took her. But I realised the moment she lingered in the car she had no interest in going home alone. I told her I had no interest in fucking while Caity was away and she acted like that was the last thing she wanted. I told her I don't want to be alone with her in a private setting while Caity is away and she responded with something to the effect of "how bout we just agree we aren't going to have sex." Two hours later she finally left the car, alone. The story of the two hours is that it felt like she was trying to use every trick in the book to get me to come upstairs with her. And I want to make the decision to end the relationship with Caity. I want to present a unified front. But in those tow hours I had to work so hard to find the ground where my relationship to and with Val was something I was willing to put in enough work to keep. I really wanted to just leave her in that car and start walking home. I wanted to spend the night washing my bedding and cleaning house. Instead I spent that time trying to show a woman I find most a kin to a cancerous snake that I care about her and want her in my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm enough of a sex addict that there is a part of me that wants her, but that part is so non-descriminatory that the position could be filled by just shy of half the population. And I'd much rather work towards having that role filled healthily by Caity and no one else. So now I'll be up very late waiting for bedding to be clean, and seething quietly that my life feels so out of control. I'm aware that I've chosen every event that happened today, But I just want to stop committing to anything that isn't going to be part of my future.

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245 (56)
Holy crap. 
Sitdiary works again.
It has been a long time. I can't believe how much has changed since the last time I could log in here. I wonder if anybody checks it anymore. I doubt it, but who knows. I suspect I'll be writing in here more often, especially now that the bloody site finally works. 
I'll fill everybody in with the details at another time. Right now, I'm at work, so I'll have to check back later. 
It's good to be back.

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1299 (203)
Sold my old car.  My white 2001 Chevy Cavalier is gone.  *sniff*
I kinda freaked out when the first person to check it out wanted it then and there on Friday night.
Needless to say I wasn't really ready for that step so soon.
I really thought it would take awhile to sell, esp for the price I put on it, $1,100.
I really don't think it was worth that much, but it was about Blue book value.  My car, I think, was the lowest price on the site besides a $800 one I wasn't sure was mobile.... So everyone else seems to think it was a good price.  I had it up for a week and it had 6 ppl name it their favorite.  I was gettting texts and phone calls but nothing really too serious.  Then this couple calls on Friday night, came and saw it, drove it around the block, tried to get me down to $900, I didn't budge and they said okay we'll take it right now.
Crazy!  I thought for sure it would sit there for awhile and that my price was too high.  Apparently it was cheap.  I thought it would sit long enough that I took the insurance off of it not wanting to pay for both cars for a few weeks.
But I felt okay about the price and they seemed to think it was a good deal so that's all that matters right?
When I say I freaked out I don't really mean I was sad that my car was leaving.  Surprisingly I totally forgot about my old car as soon as I got the new one.  I only remembered it when I came home to find it sitting in the parking lot and I thought "Oh yeah, that's still there..."  I don't think I'll miss Jack too much.  
I think I was more freaking out about the price and the worth and the disclosures I was supposed to say and the things I was supposed to give them and the things I was supposed to keep and it was all so soon and overwhelming.  I forgot to take the plates off.  But I also hadn't gassed up the car for awhile so they had to get gas before they left so they didn't get far, they came back and let me get my plates.  I had some time to think and remembered a CD in the CD Player and stuffs.  My roommate thought I was all crazy freaking out as I spied on my car leaving. 
I was feeling overwhelmed, guilty, not remebering things/disclosures, excited as I held $1,100 in cash in my hand, undecided as I watched my car drive away, etc. 
We did a Bill of Sale and I gave them the title and keys.  They said it was for their 16 and 17 yr olds.  Prolly a good fit for a car that old.  But I forgot to tell them the radio didn't work.  That might be a must for teenagers.  Teens dont really do CD's anymore either.  They do their Ipods and stuff which I dont think my car is compatible with... all in all it leads to unsafe driving just to have music with them.  I feel like that's my fault.  
I felt guilty about a lot of things I didn't tell them (just the little quirks, nothing major in regarding to operation of the vehicle) but I do have to say its not entirely my fault.  I answered their questions and the test drive is there to make other checks of the car, its not my fault if they don't do their due diligence.... They didn't really seem to know what they were doing...
But they bought the car "AS-IS" and signed the title and its theirs now!  Not my problem anymore.  They can't bring it back! Okay they could...but I doubt it...
I felt bad about not having any gas in the car.  But with all the inquiries that week I assumed ppl would come by that weekend to look at the car so I was going to finish vaccuming the dog hair, wash the outside as it was sitting under a tree for a week, and put some gas in it.  But they came a day too early.  But I really was going to make it nicer!
I talk as if I ripped them off, but honestly, it is a good car and it will get from point A to point B if they do regular maintenance on the car.  The price seemed fair, otherwise it seemed we both felt good enough about it to complete the deal.  For a car that old and that many miles, you get what you get and take a chance, and they seemed to be okay with that chance for $1,100. 
After that much interest in only a week I wondered if I should've put the price higher, but like I said, I didn't really think it was worth much more than that, and that price was already stretching it to make feel iffy about it. 
I was texting Claine telling him I was selling it as they were in my house writing a Bill of Sale. Then I called Claine and Mom freaking out on them and asking them questions about selling a car and if I did it right cuz I've never done it before..... 
But my freak out earned me a complete stiff body all night which resulted in pain in my muscles which resulted in lack of sleep, etc.  And the dinner I attempted to consume kind of came back to bite me in the butt with all my stress which also resulted in lack of sleep. It was all ridiculous and unnecessary, but like I said, it's a change and it was kinda hard and I've never done that before.  I'm kind of glad they caught me off guard that night and wanted it right then. 
This morning it was raining and I thought to myself, "Jack doesn't like the rain very much." 
I guess I will miss Jack in those odd moments when I remember I have a new car so I don't have to deal with/remember that Jack (my old car) has issues with certain weather and situations or whatnot. 
But my new cars name is Starr. And she's ready for pink accents! 
Meanwhile, on the dog front.  Yet another change of something new I've never done before that is really hard. 
I still have a lot of changes to make.  I seem to be in this rapid "changing" state.  Like everything in my life needs to change.  I tried without a roommate, I got a new roommate, I got a new car, sold the old one, the dog is going to go eventually, I want to rearrange my room when he's gone, I want to go back to the gym, I want to go and do things at night for as long as I want too when the dog goes, I just want.....change.
But I suppose the dog is next on the list of changes. And I wish, purely out of selfishness, to postpone that change. I'm good at postponing stressful decisions, well decisions in general, but this one... this one is unlike any other I've had to make before.
I just bought more pills for the dog, another 30 days worth, maybe that's a bit hopeful...  
Sigh.  I just don't know.  I just dont know. 
I want to ask what do I do, but I know someone is going to tell me, and I'm not gonna wanna listen or accept the answer.  So that question doesn't matter anymore. 

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Dear Gary Fan 331 (101)
Today has been so absolutely different. 
Well last night was unexpected, but I felt things that I cannot explain. Butterflies and just feelings. 
Like no lie, I want to try this. Start over, feel something new, even if it hurts. I feel like i have life again, feelings, light. Its fantastic. 
If words could describe right now, I don't even think i could. 

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565 (222)
You know, I said I would say goodbye.
I said that I would step away.
I had no idea the control you had on me.
I didn't see the strong guilt and self loathing you forged in me.
I believed not talking about my life would make other people happy.
I withdrew myself from the world.
I wasn't happy.
I wasn't making other people happy.
I felt as if I was drowning.
And you were the one that would hold my head up when you wanted to.
You tore me down.
You ignored me.
You treated me like I was just there for you.
You controlled me.
You manipulated me.
You hurt me.
And I let you.
For almost three months, I was there.
Making excuses for you.
Letting you do whatever you want.
Letting you walk all over me.
Letting you tell me how I should and should not feel.
I let you control me.
I am free.
They all will choose you.
Because you're sick.
Because they are still trapped in your charm.
I can't be anymore.
I must detach myself.
You know how to get me.
You know how to control me.
I won't let you control me again.
Even if that means never doing what makes me happy again.
In the end, it doesn't matter.
I will be alone.
But at least I will be free.
What will you have?

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1298 - 2014 Chevy Cruze LT (282)
I bought a new car yesterday, Feb 16, Presidents Day.
A black, 2014 Chevy Cruze LT, used, price was $13,940, with taxes and all that dealership junk it came up to $15,500. 
I fell in love with it at first sight/drive. I drove it the Saturday, on Valentines Day. 
I didn't have too much time or help buying the car then otherwise I prolly would have. But I had plans with my roommate for V-day.  So I decided to go back on that holiday Monday. 
The sales guy literally let me see the car, take a ride, and let me leave.  He didn't pressure me, he didn't talk AT me trying to tell me the features of the car, he made like one point about the lifetime warranty thingy, asked a few questions, and let me go.  Totally awesome. 
I got it at Ford dealership in Layton. *shudder* Why a Ford place has a Chevy I dunno. They have all kinds of used inventory I suppose.  I got my last car in Layton too... hmmm. 
I had to give myself a deadline. And these might have been a few mistakes as far as dealing with a car salesman, but I did make it clear how much I liked the car and I did tell him I was -going- to buy on the holiday.  I kinda needed his pressure to help me just do it!
I made the vague effort of looking at other possibilities in town and quickly struck out, appreciating the first one and still in love with it. I was ready to buy the car at 2pm that Monday.  I didn't necessarily want black, but of all the "many" colors that Chevy has... red, silver, white, gray and dark blue, just weren't really that interesting to me.  I wanted a lighter interior than jet black with a black car.  So I found this one with a grey interior in fabric instead of leather.  Didn't want leather either.  Besides black with a little accent of pink would be cute. 
But I needed a ride up there.  Mins family was in town that day and so I was going to wait for them to finish playing and working and have them take me up there.
But then someone had tipped off Mom that I was buying a new car....  (*coughMINcough*)
So Mom calls me up and telling me she is coming down, randomly at 2:30pm on a holiday Monday... and giving me an early Bday present and a late V-day present and she wanted to see my car. 
So then I had to wait for her to come down!  And when she didnt leave her house until like 4 to get down here and the dealership closed at 6:30pm and it was already like 30 minutes away, I was freaking out.
I was stressed, I was excited, I was impatient, I was starting to doubt myself and why I wanted this car. The sales guy texted me a couple of times that day and I told him I still wanted his car, prolly a mistake, but whatever, he said it would be ready for me.
I finally got there at like 6pm, making some of the staff have to stay late to finish the deal.  But I think my deal was easy comparatively.  I wasn't financing so that dept didn't have to stay.   We didn't really negotiate a price... When it came out $15,500, which was my goal ($15,000 range) I was okay with the price even with all the dealership fees and garbage.  I was in and out.  They did do a credit check on me though and that kind of made me mad cuz they dont need to on a cash deal and the guy said he wouldn't check it.  Grrr.  He said my score was 790.  It was a breeze being shipped from one dept to another signing my life away and giving the same basic info over and over again. 
Claine was with me and they asked, "So, is this dad?"
And one guy commented on my cash deal saying something like its good someone so young can do that.  I was thinking 26 is young, right?  He was prolly thinking younger tho... as usual. 
But I wasn't really stressed about buying the car itself.  I felt pritti sure and confident, which is really unusual for me as a very indecisive person, but I just...knew.  It was the waiting and the fact my account was going to be drained after like 5-6 years of saving. 
They took a personal check with no fuss... weird.  The banks are closed on the holiday so I couldn't do a cashiers check.  So I juss transferred the money and wrote a personal check. 
The biggest check I've ever written in my entire life. No joke. Fo' sure.
And it probably won't happen ever again. 
Not even the down payment on my house was that much.  I spent $10,000, but only wrote the check for $6,000 and used the rest for carpet and buying appliances. 
I feel like everyone is staring at me, more than usual, or maybe I didn't notice it as much... its like they know I just bought a car....
My mind wouldn't shut up last night for me to sleep...but my body was so tired with being tense all day, not wanting to eat or drink and stuff... 
Yay for the first experience of not being able to find your car in the store parking lot!
Because it changed models and colors....
I have a radio now!  I was singing random songs absentmindedly today at work and I realized it was cuz of the radio in my car and songs I dont normally sing/hear!
I have power!  Power locks and windows, even power side mirrors...
If only I could remember all the comments I make while inside my car when I'm driving it as I notice the difference between my old car and this one... like "Ooh I dont hear the freeway"  and "the left blinker actually turns off by itself!"  and "There are lights on so I can see where Drive is!".  Now I just have to take off all the Ford crap off my Chevy car!
Happy late Valentines Day to me!  
I bought my house two days before Vday in 2013, and now a car two days after Vday in 2015. 
I noticed I get myself very expensive Bday and Vday gifts.  Lasik, trip to DC, a house, a car, etc. 
What do I save up for next?!
Something techy like a laptop or something?  Furniture? Maybe I should be saving for my teeth implants.... There's not much I need or really really want anymore... But vacations are still on the table!
I'm leaning toward a trip across the ocean to England!  My bucket list.  I will make it to another country one day. 
I guess the decisions I have to make now are when my dog should move on to the next world...and maybe calling a foot doc... and maybe starting the tooth implant process on my toothless mouth... But mostly deciding when my dog needs to pass on so as to not be in so much pain.
"Whatcha been doing June bug?"
"Oh, ya know, just out dealing with things way beyond my maturity level.." 
Btw, my present my Mom randomly decided to bring to me was a storage container for my backyard since my condo has no storage whatsoever.  I told her about the idea, but I said I wouldn't know what to put in it. I still don't know what to put in it... She said chairs.  I said I dont have chairs.  She said to go buy chairs and put them in it.  Huh?  I need to buy more things in order to store them?  I dont have enough crap?  Is this a hoarder thing?  Does this make sense to anyone else?  She also bought me some type of Ramen cooker that apparently cooks ramen faster than stovetop, b/c the pot she bought me for Christmas was round and wouldn't hold my square Ramen. 
Now I have to sell my old car.  Blue book still says its worth like $1,000-$1,300, which is crazy to me. Being a 2001 with 204,000 miles on it with a salvage title...surely its not worth that much.  Then I got online and looked up other prices for cars like mine and they are way more than $1,000, the lowest I saw was prolly like $1,100.  Anything below that price was like non-working cars.  I might get some money out of this... 
My cousins need a car though and they kinda of want me to give my car to them....but I dont want to.  They are hard on cars and will break it in like less than 6 months I bet.  I didn't take such good care of my car the last few years just to have it broken 6 months after I sell it.  And they won't pay the price I want, they want like half off like a family discount or something.  Bleh.  These boys are irresponsible and disrespectful to property.  
I want to sell it to a stranger who will pay the price I'm asking, which apparently isn't that ridiculous, and hey so far the A/C is working, and never hear about my car again so I wont have to know when it died or how it died. 
It will be hard to say goodbye to Jack.  He was a good car and took me a lot of places I've never been before and we had lots of memories and I learned a lot about cars with him.  

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1297 (54)
Some of my favorite old songs that just come to me randomly...
(Blame my dad for his impromtu singing of random pieces of song)
Beach Boys:   Do You Wanna Dance
Wouldn't It Be Nice
The Beatles:   Let It Be
I Wanna Hold Your Hand
They all about repetiton.  I can do that when it comes to singing.

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[1962] Praha II (125)
I switched hostels. I was at The Old Prague House. And I liked it at first. Kind of. Mostly. It was charming and the bathrooms were nice and a private room wasnt too much. And free breakfast and wifi and pretty clean. But the 1st room I was in was smaller than their bathrooms and it was freezing!! The heater was only warm if you stood right next to it. and the locker was broken. I got sick and I think its because of ho cold it was there. I switched rooms and the 2nd room was way better for the same price. The place is run by a russian? German? family and they were really nice especially the tall woman with very short blond hair. She was awesome. But the old lady was so rude to me and then the guy at their restuarant charged me $20 for a $10 meal and that wasnt cool. He gave me some back when I figured it out the next day but still not enough. like half but I didnt care enough anymore.. 5 bucks.. but i guess that was his game.. to drag it out until i didnt care. O well. He had perfectly fine english yesterday and today he couldnt even speak it and had to have the lady translate. A lot of these people do that. But why not take advantage of me.. everyone else does.
This hostel is weird. Hostel Homer. Everything is simpsons themed heh. But not like cool.. just pieces of paper with lame jokes. I mean if you're going to do the whol theme thing at least do something cool with a hue wall mural or a couch that looks like same couch.. or something. paint the walls yellow? put a sign over the kitchen area that says quicki mart or whatever it is on the show. thats 3 off the top of my head and i dont even like the simpsons. I only ended up here because i randomly walked by this one hostel and asked for a dorm but they said they were full and she just started looking for a place for me :) When I walked in and askd for a room there was a couple or couple of people idk if they were together and the  guygoes.. "um.. are you just outl looking for a hostel?" or something to the effect that its crazy i didnt have a place lined up and I was like "yeah" And he's like "badass", haha. I guess. I just figure I'll find something eventually. Anyways, no one is here but an old spanish speaking couple. Or they were. Im in the louge. I was sitting on the couch and really comfy but went up to get my laptop and they took my comfy spot grr. So I was in a chair on the other side and it smelt all weird.. like cat pee. I kept smelling it every once in a while. i smelled me.. my bag.. my jacket. my hair.. its not me.. i smelled the chair and table and flowery thing on the table.. nothing. my hands smelled like soap. the soap smelled weird but not the same. It was definitely cat pee... BUT WHERE. I moved back to the couch and dont smell it anymore.. weird.
Its been a hard.. month.. week. and especially 2-3 days.. But today I forced myself to try and do everything on my list and I kinda did it and it was good. And I actually had a good day. Busy day.
First I actually had breakfast. Listened to these douchey guys discuss douchey things while I ate and drank coffee :o yeah I totally drank coffee cuz I drink it now. One guy was in the room next to me and he had a girl  with him and they made weird sex noises all night and it gave me the weirdest dreams. Not sexy dreams.. just weird. Its sad. to me it sounded like he liked her. I mean.. from what I heard. And with the 2 guys at breakfast one asked what they were doing today and he said "I dunno we were pretty busy yesterday so we'll probably take it easy today." And the other guy said "YOU were pretty busy yeterday.. or last night anyway." And the other guy goes "Oh yeah? " And i think he asked who or idk something like that and the sex guy goes "Some crazy bitch". Geez.
Then I packed my stuff. Put it in the reception area (they keep it there while you go out). I walked to Prague Castle. Nearly broke a sweat running up the castle stairs to make it in time for the changing of the guard. Which I didnt need to do because it was right around the corner but I didnt know if I would have to find it. I had to take off my jacket I was so hot.. everyone looked freezing and I was ready to take off my fleece pullover too. So I took pictures of that and video too and it was pretty neat. Then I took random pics around the castle. I know its lame and I didt really want to but I went to the starbucks on the cliff because I had to.. the view was amazing and the starbucks was actually cool.. it was down these circular stars and idk.. felt better than a typical starbucks. I got a white chocolate mocha.. because again, I drink coffee now. I think Europe changed my taste buds. Maybe it happened on the plane ride. heh idk. But I drank it out on the patio and the view was awesome. And I was sad because whenever you go on a trip the second you leave it feels like it didnt happen. And I didnt want to forget how it felt. And what I was seeing.
It was a little cloudy today but even a dreary day in Prague is more beautiful than a sunny day in most places. Well most places Im used to. Did I mention I love Prague? Then I got lost.
And ended up walking back up the castle stairs.. good work out. And went through and found St. Vitus Church and St George Basilica and I walked on the golden lane and took pictures of the towers and stuff. I didnt find Lobkowics Palace :/ I wanted to eat at the cafe because I heard it was good.
Then I stopped at this little souvenior shop. I had seen a lot but I liked this one. I got a few postcards for my family and a little tin case and 3 pins. 1 is awesome because it says Praha and has a pic of a pink converse shoe and I have been wearing nothing but my pink converse around this whole place. So it was kinda cool.. like they knew! How did they KNOW?! Seriously though.. sounds stupid but that alone would have made my day.. and then it got better.......
I walked out of the souvenior shop and across the street a ways and down a small hill was the river and TONS of swans! This was my favorite part of my time here and I think I'll go back again tomorow. I sat by the river to the left of charles bridge watching/feeding the swans stale chips. They were so pretty and funny waddling around on their little feet. Idk it was good. I love swans. Sent a pic to my mom. She said I am a swan and not to forget. Oh mom. I dont know what makes me sigh more.. the fact that its pretty cheesy haha.. or that she couldnt be more wrong. Anyway that same feeling came back about being happy but sad that as soon as I left it would start to fade and theres nothing I could do but continue to take picture after picture to preserve it. And then put my camera down and just appreciate where I was.
I am so thirsty. its almost 1am and I want to go out and find food and a big bottle of water. Im in a busy part of town now so i dont feel too weird going out late alone. I think i will. its probably easier to find beer than water at this hour  but that willjust make me more thirsty.
The front des dude is in here making something and it smells so good. its just a sndiwch. dammit. Im going to get food or I will dieeee.
I didnt end up getting food or water. I went to the dorm and the 3 other girls were already sleeping. When i woke up they were gone. I got up and booked another night. Might actually do another too. So 2 tonight and tomorrow night. Idk idk idk i just love it here and the more i see the more i feel i haven't seen. 
STILL need to go to st francis of aussi church.. keep getting there to late deapite how close it is. I want to go to tv tower too. Righr now i am charging my phone before i go out. Going back to that spot with the swans. Just packed a lunch. Got SO much again from the supermarket.$13 for a bunch of atuff and the other day it was $10 for lots of stuff but i think i wrote about that already. 
Its weird in this hostel.. its so dead. No one is here. Not like out exploring.. just not here. Butni dont mind. I like having some alone time right now. Although it would be nice at night to have someone to go to dinner with.
More to write about from prague... been here so much longer than I thought but again.. i like it. Stay away from karvola street though So just.. grrrr.
the other night these girls invited me to this 5 story club. i mean.. it was interesting. clubs are clubs. i felt out of place for so many reasons... feeling old but looking too young. weird feeling and then the girls i was with knew theywere going to this so they brought skirts and heels and honestly they looked a little too dressy but there i was ith my jans and converse ha. we didnt look like we belongs together . but it was fun dancing with them.. after a few drinks. It made me think of that joke I heard by dane cook about how girls and guys reasons for gonig to clubs are so different and how you never hear guys say "I just need to dance.. f*** chicks man... I just ned to dance" He obviously never met the guys in this club. They were dancing with girls but also by themselves and with each other. They were good too. It was cool because they had like radio hits and stuff but then they had "oldies" but they played like 90's songs and everyone sang them at the top of their lungs... reminded me a little of the 80's club i went to with brett and sal. idk. clubs are lame. But traveling alone is nice and everything but once in a while you just want to be around people and those girls were nice. And they spoke english..well. Lots of people speak english in europe but its broken and hard to follow most times and it was so easy with them.
I met another girl from japan and we went out for drinks on v day. she was cool and funny. We were walking and saw a sign that said "non stop hot dog" and i dont know why but we both couldnt stop laughing.. we hadnt even been drinking. She was going to slovenia? I think thats it and then to vienna. And I am going to vienna then venice. So we decided to meet up in vienna tomorrow. I typically wouldnt do that.. but she said she was lonley to the canadian girls and I thought it would be nice to have someone to hang out with. Esecially since i wont be stayng in vienna long.. 2 days. and it'll be easier to get things done with  2 people. Were staying at the wombat hostel. Cheap for vienna at only $14/night.
I didnt go to any cemetaries.. I was in prague over a week. I want to kick myself. i kinda of want to go not.. its 10:30pm. haha. but what the point of going to a cemetary if not late at night... but i shouldnt..alone and everything. Although.. Ive felt really safe in prague so far. Even late at night down narrow alleys.. i dont feel creeped out. well i mean a couple times but i think it was in my head more than being an actual problem. So I think it'd be fine... but its freezing. Decisions.
Just booked my hostel and bus ticket.
Everyone I meet tells me I am brave for traveling alone... I dont feel "brave". I feel kind of dumb actually.
The girls today were saying that they had a horrible day because they couldnt figure out the train and got lost and had to walk a long time with their huge suitcases and had trouble finding the hostel... and then the other girl here is also traveling alone and she got here telling us she left her "document" (I'm guessing passport) in the last ocuntry she was in.. oops.. and she had a hard time figuring out the train and they made her pay the fine and she just broke down crying. I havent done so much yet. Well not over that stuff. Although I've found myself in similar situtions... I got super lost for a long time a few times. I walked far with my pack a couple times. My phone died more than I'd like to admit when I really needed it to be alive. I got ripped off a couple times.. that hostel restuarant and again at the bridge (write about it in a sec) But I dont know. I think I expected all of it. Especially being me... haha. Never been on my own or done everything 100% for myself so.. its been challenging but I knew it would be. Having to ask people for help was the biggest challenge.. beign "shy".. not just shy.. being me. Awkward and clumsy but now add in sef concious about the language barriers. But its okay... most people have been really nice and happy to help. Some of my favorite moments traveling so far werent seeing sights but while I was lost and being helped by the coolest people. That lady in berlin who wanted to help soo badly but she didnt speak ANY english so it was impossible. but then I just felt it would be ok to ask the guy next to me and he spoke english pretty well and he was so sweet. and he helped get my ticket for me and we walked onto the train and he grabbed my ticket and ran off, punched it and ran back on.. i wouldnt have known to do that and would have missed the train.. he almost missed it himself doing that. And the nice older fellow from the first berlin train station was really helpful and smiley. Idk some of the waitors and service people here (and in berlin) are rude. Idk if its because they ca tell i am american or if its anyone. Although maybe its how you present yourself because they are always s nice to me at the supermarket but i guess they were super mean to the canadian girls.. which is ironic... but they were nice when you get to know them but they both sort of talk snobbish sometimes and a little... entitled? So that mightve been the problem. But today I met the nicest guy making trdelnik that rolled pastry thing they have everywhere. He said it would be about 2 minutes and i asked if i could take ppictures. He said ok. And I took 2 or 3 but i didnt want to be annoying. But he was sweet he said to me "camera ready?.. this is picture.." and motioned to move to the other side of the counter and then opened the thing cooking the pastries and smiled and I took a picture and smiled and he winked at me. Its little gestures like this that can make a good day.
And sometimes break it.. although... negative attitudes havent affected me at all since being here like they used to. Actually.. negative attitudes or other people in general (mostly) havent really affected me since August. Like there have been some RUDE waitors but meh doesnt matter. And the other day i was walking and couldnt find where i was and just needed to know my location real fast and there was a starbucks so i went in and used the wifi real fast and this coupl walks by right as I am walking out and the guy goes "douche bags". lol. The other day I got starbucks because it was the view and the only coffee place near by. But i wouldnt get coffee from starbucks in  europe when there were about 5 other local ones a couple blocks away. but he didnt know. i would have said the same thing. i hate starbucks. and then i was walking yesterday and this old man just says "bitch" under his breath. And i know he was tlaking to me cuz no one else was there but i wasnt doing anything. Just walking. I didnt even see him or give him a weird look becuase i was looking at the sidewalk. and thats not rude because people dont smile at each other when they walk by here.. i tried.. and I'm met with stange looks.. that imply "wtf is wrong with you... why are you smiling at me??" But it doesnt really prevent it.. the corners of my mouth have just been trained to lift awkwardly when a stranger happens to meet my gaze. idk.
im hungry.
i should do laundry before i leave.

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it never stopped time (186)
it wasn't you
all this time, these months, close to a year
neither of us able to make it
through to the other
we tried, dear
it wasn't me
and it couldn't have been you
i believed i was too crazy for you
too much to handle
not in the ways i behaved
but simply how my mind
was arranged
i wasn't trouble, but troubled
i didn't want you to see
any of it
beyond what i felt
recognized in me
that night in late october
beautifully spent
in a strangers' shameless
the wet counter of the dingy bar and city lights shining on dark bay windows
moving from the park bench to the cold grass
it moving fast
to the first cradle in your arms and
to the last real moment with you
i held back from then on
because i couldn't bring myself
unable to reveal who i was
it wasn't you i was meant to go there with
pages of ask the dust
sweep over me
to the place
of arturo's drunken night
with camilla
he said some beautiful things
but she didn't hear them
and it didn't matter
because he said them anyway
and they weren't for her
or else
she would have heard
he spoke from some inner whispers
with her
because of her
but they weren't for her
or else 
she would have heard
Chris, it wasn't you
though i loved you (and still do)
i reveal myself
to me only
and keep going
to show the one
out there
the love that i am

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1296 (64)
Week one.
My new roommate,
She talks a lot.
In the form of conversations.
Almost as annoying as talking in third person.
And lots of repetition. 
She's like a broken record.  
I've heard the same stories many times in just week one.
The boss asked me this yesterday,  "You don't have speakers on your computer, do you?"
What computer does not have speakers?  What does he think I do all day? with those headphones on most of the time?  I can't listen to his voice all day.  He really has no idea what I do on the computer, does he? Absolutely no idea....
It almost feels like he's gotten to 58 years old without being able to read, 32 years of it in his career.  
How do people do that? 
It would make more sense if he asked if my CPU had still had a floppy disc (:A Drive) drive.  But even that is a silly question.  And we all know he doesn't know what either of those mean, CPU or A: drive.  He might recognize floppy disc....
It was one of those smack your forehead moments and take a deep breath.
The next boss is going to have to pass a thorough interview by me.  I need to write up a questionare. 
"Do you know what an attachment is?"  "Do you know how add an attachment to an email?"
Wait, no, that's too complicated, back up.
"Do you know where the speakers are?  CPU?  Disc drive?  USB port?"
Aw, hell.  
"Do you know where the power button is?"  

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[1968] Praha (337)
Made it to Prague the other day.  It's day 3 and i should be having fun.  I was excited to get here but idk. Maybe berlin was just so fast that it makes everything else feel slow. Or maybe because i have the onset of what could turn into a wicked cold. 
But its amazing here. I dont like the crowds in certain spots and can't imagine coming during peak season. Probably stab myself in the face.  But there are those moments when i look up and realize I'm walking down an alley and feeling like i stepped into a fairytale. I could live here. Maybe not forever. But I would love living here for an indefinite amount of time. Not that that will happen.. just saying.
I'm trying to make a dropbox folder for my pics for my mother or whoever really but its taking so long for each file to download. Just the ones I got from Kilian. Mine wnt take this long. Hopefully. Or this is going to be ridiculous and she can just see them when I get back.
im all itchy :( The first few days of wearing my merino wool leggings I was so itchy even though merino wool is supposed to be such a fine wool that its not supposed to be itchy.. well it is for me. I'm extremely sensitive to that stuff. But I refused to take them off and eventually it was fine.. like 3 days later. I have a merino wool shirt too but I havent worn it because Copenhagen and BErlin were snowy but they werent that cold... Prague isnt even rainy but itts freezing. Its not that bad tho. I have my hand warmers and big jacket and walking around in converse is fine if you double up on socks.
Wrote that a day or 2 ago. Still in Prague.. Praha..
I got sick and still am for the last 3 days. Not the flu thankfully.. but a stupid cold that gives me sniffies and itchy throat. grrr. So I havent done much. I have another night here booked so we'll see. I definitely dont want to be in Prague for valentines day. I didnt even realize it was coming. But idk.. it would be weird being here for that. It shouldnt matter to me. And it kind of doesnt. But it kinda does.
Not that Italy will be much better for that but o well.
I must have walked at least 7 miles yesterday while exploring. Up stairs and hills. My butt muscles were so burny and my feet hurt for the first time sinc traveling. I shoud be resting but it just seems like a waste I did oversleep today on accident so hopefully thaat helps.
I went to this restaurant that had the highest rating for goulash... but meh. to be completely honest it was gross.. and i wasnt being picky. I mean if typical, good goulash means chunks of tough meat with ridiculous amounts of chewy fat (shudder) and tiny bits of cartilage and a strange after taste.. then you'd probably like it... if you have taste buds and dont like gross things like myself... you definitely wont.  But the waiter was so nice to me so I gave him a nice tip. He was like "You in Prague.. alone?" he seemed really surprised. But i see girls walking around by themslves a lot. ot as much as guys but enough that it shouldnt be too surprising. Anyways he was cool and very smiley as soon as I walked in. Some of the waiters at other placs look so mean all the time so that was what I liked. Maybe I just got the cook on a bad night. I would try it again if I were staying longer.
Its weird eating alone. Actually I dont mind at all for breakfast and lunch, its dinner that sucks. Where do i put my hands?!? And where do i look? The wall? A book? My phone? Its not so much being lonely.. its thinking people think I am lonely. Dont really care but I guess I sort of do. I think I'd just eat dinner in cafes instead of restaurants. But they're so cheap here its a shame not to.
Not  doing anything hasnt been as disappointing as i thought. I've been enjoying kicking back and just taking it slow.. pretending i live here and doing what i imagine the locals would do.
I like th atmosphere. Its better the further you get from charles bridge. Unfortunately. But the bridge is pretty.. i like walking to the left when coming back into old town instead of going straight through karlova street.. its so crowded. But to the left is a cemetary and st frances cathedral. Probably going again for tonights walk.
All this walking is doig great things... I dont have a scaale but i lost at least 2 inchces off my waist since being here. which i figure is at least 5 pounds.. if not more. idk. idk.. back home i felt weird wlaking around for exercise. i would rather be on the treadmill and watch a movie or listen to musc as i walk. but here its so beautiful you crave being outside onstantly. even in the cold.
It snowed this morning. I switched rooms last night this one is twice as big and so much better.. locker, full length mirror, heater that works, a door without windows! haha.. just overall better. And basically the same price. They gave me a fuzzy blanet last night because I said my other room was could during the night. So I was all toastyyyyy.
Figured out the dropbox thing for my mom.. problem: other room had crappy internet connection, this one does not. Man that room sucked.
I went to the market just now and I keep checking over and over because i got tons of things and it only cost $10.. I bought 3 apples, 2 bananas, a grapefruit, 2 of these small bread things, 1 other bread thing, a croissant, gouda cheese, about 10 slices of deli meat, those little circle cheese snack things... forget the name, halls cough drops, water, razors, tissues, and chips.... FOR $10! I want to check again...
Did I mention I love it here? The buildings, even the "plainer" ones are gorgeous.. the streets are all cobblestone. Every now and then, sidewalks and streets seem to run together and cause people and cars to dance like lovers... which reminds me... I love the crosswalks. Its weird but when its red they tick i dont know.. 50 bmp and then when its green its like 100 bmp. I'm sure they have that a lot of busy places but I've never seen it before.
I might go back to that globe cafe. Its hard finding a good internet cafe out here. Yeah, there's starbucks but yuck. I went to cafe Nona.. it was pretty good.. couldnt read the menu so I just pointed to a random item and the only thing i could understand which was a coke. The thing I orderedd was like a flakey dessert with chocolate pieces in it. Pretty good. I want to find a better spot tho.. these seemed.. not nearly as "franchise-y" (yeah is a word, shut up) as starbucks but a bit. Un petit peu.
blah blah blah.. blah blah blah... blah.
k bye.

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