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1315 (8)
The date
with the kid that didn't technically ask me out even though his religious leader asked me out FOR him
(and yes, he does take credit for 'asking me out', I checked)
He's 22, lives with his parents, his whole family actually, 3 bedroom townhome, works part time as a janitor, no education beyond high school (I didnt think to ask if he graduated HS, oh dear), picked me up in his mothers car, drove mothers car like a grandma, a sci-fi guy, knowns all the geek language, owns like 2-3 consoles, plays video games all day long, doesn't like to spend money and makes it painfully obvious on a first date as he attempts to skip taking me to dinner and/or trying to get me to do fast food like Arctic Circle, (I saw this money issue with Evan and I escaped that mind frame, I'm free! I'm not going back!), he didn't make any decisions on the date whatsoever.  (I told him the theatre and when, we agreed mutually on the movie. I let him waste some gas as he wandered around looking for food before I got tired and told him to pull over at a particular restaurant and watched his 'money alarm' go off and giggled.  I only made him spend $30 altogether, if you split that he only spent $15 on me.  That's not too bad, esp if yer trying to make good first impressions!  Might as well bring out the coupons like Evan does on a first date...)
He called me a "sugar momma" like two minutes after I got into the car, we hadn't left the parking lot, he says this based off my job/career, so he obviously only sees dollar signs when it comes to me...  He hinted at me being old several times juss cuz I'm like 5 years older than him... kind of a know-it-all, but he is young, just off the mission a year, he's one of those that can't have any silences therefore he makes awkward random comments to fill the silence (boy, we love those kind)...
Let's see, what else?
Well, on the bright side it looks like he's the better choice than his brother that is like 18 months older than him with no job, living at home, attempting to get his GED, no mission, no car, etc. 
I do have to say he was pretty good at reading people, or at least trying, not a lot of anti-social ppl can read others and their emotions. He could go from making bad jokes to being somewhat serious and sincere with the conversation as I steered it that way.  
It wasn't too bad.  
But we have nothing in common.
And I will not be anyones sugar momma. 
The End. 
Did I mention I'm too old for this crap?
P.S. I went to the dentist today and I have no cavities this time!  Yay for me!  Hey, every 6 months without a cavity is a win for me so shut up. It saves me money. 
P.P.S.  My period this month has made me so freaking ornery, much more than usual.  I wonder if its cuz I'm always around lactating women, or going home to visit every freaking weekend for more than a month now, or maybe the 100+ degree heat has boiled my anger.  I'm surprised how nice I was on this date....
P.P.P.S.  I still miss my dog. I keep thinking about him. 

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Untitled (1)
so Im leaving this place. moving and leaving to see you. but im getting tired of this packing and then packing again. so california is the last place. the end of a journey, my path i guess. 

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[962] (3)
dear anonymous person who left a comment on my last entry,
i have no idea if you'll come back and read this, i have no idea. i don't know anything about your life, i don't know who you are or where you're from or literally anything at all i guess but you know. thank you. for saying something. 
i hope you're okay. i hope you keep the bad people out and i hope you have people in your life who deserve to be there. i hope someone loves you. 
i'm feeling less lonely too. thanks for reminding me that the internet isn't always shouting into the void; sometims the void shouts back and there's a really great thing that happens, a really great moment. for a minute, me and you were connected by the thin gold wire of life and i think there's something really beautiful about that.
even as i'm sitting here in my old t-shirt and work pants and there's just this lingering
i don't know
sometimes i'm grateful. thanks for reminding me. 

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leaving (2)
i left. yes. big surprise. to be honest, it was a really big surprise to all of my family. they were all so worried. i could no longer ignore the signs. there are red flags and then there are meteors. the sky and the ground were full of them. i mean, it was obscene. what the fuck was i doing?
this is what i've understood:
in order to stay distracted and accompanied, taken care of, and all that i endured all of the bullshit. 
when we played he was at times too aggressive, i'm so glad i never backed down and at many times outsmarted the jackass.
as soon as i was free from work or school he was organizing to meet up. if i even thought about making plans with my friends or family he would get upset. i was such a fool. he was trying to isolate me. he did.
during any given moment, plans had already been made the hour before, day before, week, month, year... i was always "late" on giving my "2 cents". 
he always kicked the dog in the rib cage, even if i protested... he grabbed the kitten by the head and threw him. 
he wanted me to move in. he wanted to keep an eye on me at all times.
he would surprise me at work if i didn't text him back.
he went to run the track just to see if he could catch me there, to make sure my friend indeed was female.
he wanted to keep me sedated. numb.
he showed up at 4:30am in front of my parent's house, because the last message i had sent him was at 11ish, even after i had told him i was at my friend's house. he said "time isn't relevant to me when it comes to us" some creepy bull.
he won't stop calling me, texting me. i don't sleep in my room because i feel like i'm being watched. i carry a baton and pepper spray just in case.  
i hope he reads this. all of these entries. this is fucking insane.
the first meal i made myself after having broken up with him, i cried. the first shower i took i cried. the first time i laid in my own bed after that day, i cried myself to sleep.
you don't understand, i'm free. if you think i'm going back to you. you are so mistaken. the things you said, the things you suggested. egocentric, self-centered, selfish little chicken shit. if being me means i can't achieve that glory you've been drooling over, so be it. i could care less. i'm at peace, i can sleep. the last year had been hell. you were awful. so very awful. you used me. i wanted company but you, you wanted clay. you wanted a punching bag. you wanted an escape goat. you wanted me for yourself, another creature you've caught with your brutish hands. go fuck yourself.
wow there's so much more. so much more. so much rage.

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1314 - Baby Nicholas June 2015 (2)
Nicholas Clyde Talamante
born June 29, 2015 at 4:53pm
7lbs 12 oz, 21 inches long
7 hour labor, like 30 second delivery, one push
Almost immediately after he came out he was hungry, searching
He latched on and ate with no problem
He's got big lips and looks a lot like Sara did when she came out
The last of the Talamante clan I think

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Untitled (2)
my hearts a piece of shit. and if you knew how selfish I really am. you'd probably be disgusted. 

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I am no-thing. (2)
im starting to worry. that I won't have very many people attending my wedding. whats funny is I think even worse; my funeral attendance will be abysmal. sort of channeling an anti- Willy Loman

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[961] i'll be over here (18)
i get it
your life is the worst life that has ever happened to a human being and you have Real Problems and you need Real Therapy and you are irrevocably traumatized and nothing will ever be the same. and it is terrible. it is horrific that this has happened to you and you are well within your rights to want to exorcise those demons.
but can we just
talk about me for a minute
we spend so much time talking about you because there's so much to talk about and i get it but my god my god my god i need someone to see me sometimes i need someone to see my stupid problems and my bad moods and my fucking idiot feelings and i need them to be acknowledged. i don't need you to solve them. i don't need you to tell me that this is a stupid thing to stress over. 
yeah. i know. i wasn't asking. i just need you to let me lean on you for a minute. i need you to carry me for a minute. 
"look on the bright side, at least you're not me with my terrible awful shitty life!!"
why would that make me feel better
but thank you for that. thanks for minimizing my shit. thanks for making me feel shitty for even trying to bring it up and i'm trying to tell you that i feel like i'm drowning every single night and unlike you i don't have a good reason to feel like this. i don't have an excuse to fall back on. i have shit all. 
and i still feel like this and i really sometimes just need you to fucking listen to me for a minute just listen JUST LISTEN
i don't know. 
i'm tired of listening to people complain about thins that they're bad at when they're a hundred times better at it then i ever will be. so what the fuck do you think of me then. what am i then. 
shit. i feel like shit sometimes.
just listen to me please.

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[96o] this is what it feels like (13)
i'm just very sad and very lonely some nights
and frustrated and sweaty and gross and incapable of acting like an adult and sad about things that haven't happened and things that won't happen and percieved slights and real slights and just everything
i'm just very
all the time
and i don't know how long i'm supposed to let that slide before it becomes a problem because it doesn't seem like a problem until it's 11 at night and i'm crying for some god forfuckingsaken reason that i don't understand
i don't know
i ate pudding for supper but it wasn't very satisfying. 
i wish i'd gone to the movies
i wish i didn't have to work tomorrow or the next day or ever again
i don't understand how i can feel lonely when all i ever do is talk to people 
and they're my friends and i know that they're my friends and i know they love me and i still just
i don't know
sometimes i forget how to connect with people and sometimes it feels like they don't really want to connect with me which is selfish and stupid and thought distortion and i can't stop it i can't make it go away
i don't know
i never know. i don't think i've ever known a single thing in my entire life.

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1313 (11)
Another shot at the whole dating life. 
We had the stake activity yesterday.  A big deal.  Lots of people. Estimated like 800 YSA.
Anyways I went last year, it was fun, decided to go again this year.
I'm assuming this kid had a goal to ask a girl out by the end of the night.  Either that or someone told him to. 
Of course, as they wrap up the evening he is finally seriously looking. 
Okay, he seemed more desparate then actively looking for someone he liked to ask out.
I also assume he was circling the water stations for that same reason....
I happened to go get water at the end of the night. 
He said like two awkward things to me as I got water.  
Apparently I lingered too long and didn't just get water and walk away.
But then he walked away.   Didn't think much of it. 
One of the leaders came around to fill the water coolers or dump it out as the night was over. 
He was very personable.  Very friendly and chatty. 
He causally mentioned that I should basically walk with him to where he was working. 
I didn't think much of it and followed him a few feet away and there was this kid.
Then it became apparent this kid went to talk this leader, and they were buddies, and to told him he was thinking about asking me out.
The kid said nothing, okay he made one comment, about me, to this leader, as if I weren't there.  No eye contact.
Obviously the kid liked me (somehow this was indicated by his lack of interest in me) and disturbingly it was this leader that chatted me up like a boy should when getting to know someone and/or ask them out. He asked about me, my name, my ward, what I did for a living, etc. He even compliemented me.  Very distracting and somewhat flattering.... cept it should have come from this kid and not a married man. 
The leader then proceeded to be blunt with his words of "So would you be interested in going on a hike with my buddy Jason here to say.... Ensign Peak." *(he was clearly making this up on the fly) Jason obviously had no idea what he was talking about.  I like Ensign, haven't been this year, and I do actually want to go.  This leader was so dang comfortable to talk to I didn't hide my excitement for the place. 
And then the slightly sinking feeling knowing this leader just asked me out FOR this kid Jason. Really?
It wasn't just awkwardness.  (and somehow this leader seemed to extinguish awkwardness quickly.)
But still, the principle was there....or maybe it was missing. 
It was very disturbing how normal the leader made this all sound. 
The kid specifically went to a leader to seek help in asking out a girl!  Problem #1.
Problem #2.  The leader actually did it FOR him!
I can't really tell which one is worse at this point...
My roommate mentioned the term "grow a pair".  I should've used that line.
But instead I, talking to the leader the whole time b/c the boy never made eye contact with me or talked to me, answered by saying "I'd consider if he would ask me himself." 
Ya know, like with words, generally in my direction and possibly eye contact?
I shouldn't have lingered at the water station.  I should have grabbed a drink and high tailed it.  Maybe dating is like the jungle, the predators take so long to pick a prey they finally get desparate by the end of the night and have to pick from the only ones left: the slow, ugly and fat ones.  
I'm somewhat glad the leader made up a date for us though.  Sadly.  Because I know if I said yes to a date with just the kid he would ask me where I want to go and/or not make a decision, or worst, make a really bad decision.
Then the leader proclaimed he did his job and left us.   He made a point to specifically tell the kid to get my number.  And I understand, sadly, he had to mention that for a reason. 
I don't recall the boy actually asking me out directly.
This kid obviously does not make decisions.  
He has lost a lot of points in less than an hour.
I wonder how long our date will last?  How many more points can he lose?
I tried to give him points by assuming he wanted (had a goal to have)  a date by the end of the night, even with some help.  Most guys' thought processes or goals don't get that far... 
Well, I'm at least glad, no matter how the date ends up, I'll be doing something I want to do.  And since he prolly won't make any decisions I can make him do the things I want to do and just be bossy and tell him what to do. 
I wonder how old this kid is.
I swear, if its not their parents that get in the way or are more interesting, its the leaders and their so-called "help".  Speaking of parents, I'm fairly certain he doesn't live with his parents.  That's a plus?  I think being a janitor is his career though... 
My last date I had was with a janitor as a career (same as his dad), in his 30's, living with his parents (didnt even pay rent, paid the cable bill which he was prolly the only one that used), made a decision for the date of cheap food and dancing to which he knew only two steps: back and forth, literally.  For hours. Kill me now.
This what we have become?  Adults who run to another generation for hand holding because we can't do it ourselves?   Now, adult peers running to each other, that would be normal.  Asking advice of either generation would be normal.  Wingmen are normal. Adults setting up adults on dates, blind or not.  That's normal, but shouldn't be. Getting your wingman to ask someone else out for you.  That's not normal.
Okay so, when a guy does something socially unacceptable like that in order to get a date and/or something just as awkward during the date.  Is there any reason why I can't do something stupid and awkward like that too?  Like say, bring a wingwoman with me on said date, having a third wheel?  Calling or texting someone the whole time I'm on date?  Tell him I don't want to go like 30 minutes before he's supposed to show up?  
What?!  If they think its acceptable to do such things, why can't I?  Esp after they did something stupid first!
I don't know how to play these games.  I shouldn't have to play these games. You'd think after like a decade of dating you'd have some of this figured out. 
I'm too old for this shit! 
Men, just grow a pair, ask a girl out, and make a freakin decision! 

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the valley (0)
well this wedding is going to be awkward

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1312 - Baby Maggy June 2015 (13)
Magnolia Eryn was born
June 17, 2015 at 7:58am
9 lbs 2 ounces 21 inches long
Maggie be my 4th niece. 

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1311 (8)
Yesterday I went to the softball game for the first time this season to see the wards play each other. 
I saw a boy sitting by himself at the top of the bleachers so I decided to sit and talk with him.
No one was talking to me from my ward there near the first row of the bleachers, so I wandered up to talk this guy.  He was cute and alone.  And I knew, by experience, sitting alone sometimes is not enjoyable when no one will talk to you.
I started a conversation and found it surprisingly easy to talk to this guy. 
Sometimes guys, if totally shy, make it really hard and awkward to talk to them. 
But this guy was pretty easy going. And did I mention cute?
I learned he grew up in the area, his parents house was like a block away from the game, learned he was a duck hunter from his quacking phone... 
I enjoyed the chatter and it not being so awkward, all like 5 minutes of it.
Then his parents showed up to watch him play.
He literally turned his back on me and talked to his parents the rest of the game until it was his turn to play. 
I mean, I'm assuming those were his parents the way they interacted. It's not like he introduced me or anything or even acknoweledged my presence after that.
So I just want you to know...
I just want the parents to know...
That I tried. 
The reason your son isn't married is because he is too interested in talking to his parents than to notice and/or talk to the cute girl next to him. 
What kind of guy is more interested in talking to his parents than a cute girl??  Seriously.
Okay, maybe I'm jumping the gun on the whole "cute" factor, but still, a member of the opposite sex is engaging in a conversation with you. Based on his reaction that's a rare thing!  Don't let it slip away!  Esp don't let it slip away because of your parents! If nothing else, feel awkward/obligated enough to talk to her simply cuz she's the only one sitting next to you way up there on the bleachers!  Just because I might be ugly or "not your type" (as all the boys' excuses goes) it doesn't mean you can be mean to me and ignore me!
I don't usually have the courage to approach a stranger, purposely sit next to them, and actually try to have a conversation.  
In the world where guys are generally stupid, I just don't do that.  They react strangely (as if I asked them to marry me).  
Case in point.  And I feel like I waste my time. 
I can't stop rolling my eyes. 
Do they seriously wonder why they aren't married? 
A super attractive girl could come sit and try and talk with them and they'd still turn and talk to their parents or their guy friends.  They wouldn't know what "attractive" is if it hit them in the face. 
Is anyone going to see my attractiveness?  In the world of boys, do I even have any?  Is anyone going to talk to me for more than 5 minutes to find out my personality, which just might be my attractiveness?
I stepped out of the house around 9:15pm to go to the softball game. 
The temperature was perfect, the sun was setting, and the smell of cig smoke filled my nose.
I know several people that would complain about that scenario very blatantly.
But, it was the most comfortable feeling I've had in a long time. 
It brought back memories of the Summer of 2006 in WY.  And not entirely bad memories. 
It just made me smile to remember.  Remembering that feeling.  Remember Rich. 
It's weird, but it feels like I grew up with ppl smoking around me all my life, my house, my clothes, etc. and then when I moved out on my own  I didn't have that anymore, so sometimes when I smell it again it reminds me of home.  Cept none of that is true.
I remember people by their laughter and their smells. 
It's comforting.
I finally vacuumed the stairs.  That last of my dogs hair.  
The last of my dog.  
Gone from my house. 

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[2060] Le Temps d'un souffle coupe (38)
Marco Polo. the dog from Big "Squirrel!". I feel like I am moving one way and then all of a sudden there is the tiniest thought and it jerks me in some radom direction. Months ago I felt I had a direction... and I was usure but sure enough not to sway. Things happen tough. People let you down. or whatever.
Have you ever fallen in front of a large group of people and at first you think to catch yourself but then you think its probably a little to late for that so you just let it happen.. knowing whats coming.. and hopefully it doesnt hurt to bad... i feel like I am Bill Murray in groundhog day and its just this feeling over and over. not for one area but pretty much everything.
Everything is going to change. At this point even if it were possble to stay the same theyd change anyways.
Maybe I need to learn to let go. Altough. I dont think its a general problem. Certain things.
I've been trying to distract. I spend mostof my freetime right now trying to learn French in different ways and guitar. Guitar.. I like to think I am getting a little better ish.. but not really. And according to my memrise app, I'm not a beginninger anymore. Ha. Lies.
Sometimes I think the only reason I had ever been interested in acting is because other people tell you what to do and say.. no thinking. no wondering if it was ok. it just is. but i guess that is the point of all of this.. to move away from that, not into it. 
Ive never been good at finding the line.
Speaking of what I want to doo with my life.. i have no effing clue.
I feel like I am being eaten from the inside out.
Things could always be worse.
So much more but how.

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Real friendships of the good. (24)
Last Friday. A friend of mine. Someone who I confided in, loved, and respected with all my heart. Passed away. He was working out at the gym, and had a brain aneurysm killing him only a few hours later. This was someone I could tell the truth to. I didn’t need to express noble lies and could forgo the roles we all play everyday. He didn’t demean me like many others who claim to know friendship. Didn’t mask his actions with appearance, yet could speak years, ages even, beyond any intellectual or polemical tinkerer. He was better than me, and I could say so without feeling envious. Instead it inspired me. We could speak of Aristotle and Schopenhauer, Art, physics, Weed, Ex-Girlfriends, Boos and playing the drums. And now, when I’m at the places of where we would hang and share with others like us. He’s not there. And whats worse is, I expect him to just walk through those doors. I think of something and wonder what he would say and go to my phone to text him. And then realize wholly shit. He’s gone. He really is gone. All the metaphysics in the world; and he’s gone. Here, I understand space and time now. Here, I understand virtue qua virtue. Whats wrong with me? So I spent the weekend crying and these last three days either laughing hysterically or romanticizing of the future. A place no longer in New York. That life will be better. I think of the funeral, where his mother and father, two brothers, look like God just came in an knocked all the wind out of them. And all I can say is I’m just so sorry. I’m just so sorry. I’m sorry Ben. So now I’m confused. I’m befuddled. I’m sad and just want to feel any other way then this. "On ne meurt qu'une fois; et c'est pour si longtemps!"  - Moilèr

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jardin (23)
i stopped a few days ago, i don't want to think about how long ago. i feel so much. sometimes i feel so great, elated. sometimes i feel so down. everything is always so extreme. i think i might be bipolar? maybe it's a product of my circumstances. whatever this is, it's fucking exhausting. i can think my way out of it, it's really a challenge.
where am i at and what do i want?
i find myself daydreaming about running away.
when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white.
i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship.
i am neither one or the other.
i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged.
i run and play with people that i respect.
i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself.
i have a cat and a dog, they're pals.
i am light, i float.
i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed.
my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills.
i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill.
i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up.
words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear.
i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.

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Fortuna (12)
I'm sorry about the time you asked me to come and get you after work. I left you hanging. Not sure why I remember that all of the sudden. But seriously though. I was sleeping. How many people have I done that shit to in my life? Way too many to count. Perhaps these past relations between myself and the other, really weren't worth a damn in the first place, and maybe my avoiding them and their phone calls is me saying to myself, "you know these relationships don't interest you and really these individuals are just as a flaky as you are". A hefty judgement, but look whos still around kicking. Monk, Arron, Ben. Of course a few others. Still. Memory is a strange thing.  If our relationship fails. I swear. I'm done. I don't mind being lonely. And I have become so Hobbesian lately that it would take something uber dramatic to pull me in the same way I have dropped before. They say money cant buy happiness or love, but I beg to differ. At least there is some form of renting going on. But I guess this is my selfish way of apologizing to the flat leavers. But yes being lonely is awesome. Everything else is on your time. I could learn a new language, a new song, read a book , draw, or write a paper. The possibilities pile up when has nothing but their own keep. Perhaps its because I don't like being touched or objectified. Whatever is the case. I'm going to give this one more shot.
Sometimes I sit back and ask myself. If I didn't grow up the way I grew up, would I be normal. Would I be as blissful as everyone else and whether I could truely look at something without the minds intervention. Its a good question, but an awful one when you think about its origins. I think the one thing I do miss; funny enough. Is the superficial connections that were made out to be more than what they were. At the least the ability to do so. Im far to into realism to even consider such things now, and it's kind of sad. This not believing in anything but yourself experience. Then again its also fun to think about how different, maybe even more successful I'd be if I didn't have people dragging me down all the damn time. What with their clashings egos and negativity an' all.  This is why I will never have kids of my own or why the idea of marriage is unsettling. Im too much of a reductionist and selfish. Sure, I volunteer at a shelter donate things and help other when I can. But at the end of the day, I only do those things because I'm lonely and the sense of pleasure it gives me. I guess Im saying Im a terrible person ahaha. But restraining those mores I guess fulfil me with greatest sensation of all, that which appeals to a kind of unfreedom. Othernews. I guess I am getting fat. A diet or fast is in order. In conclusion; It is hard for me to take human beings seriously. When people profess their feelings to me, I have this inablility to do anything about it. I just dont believe them anymore. Its like finding out santa and luke skywalker don't exist in real life. Everything else that is old, just seems banal. Maybe in the future. We will have fully simulatable romantic counter parts, so we don't have to flesh out all of the Freudian or Jungian implications. I mean our ego ideals never really measure up to reality anyways, so why not? Everything would be much more clear, people would have the honesty they want, and if the desire is met, they can just download an upgrade for more. Yet again. The only one who can save us. Is our subjectivity. Whether we like it or not. And until I have been proven wrong, I prefer it this way. 

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1310 (36)
My new obsession:  Fight Song
"Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me
Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me"
Read more:  Rachel Platten - Fight Song Lyrics | MetroLyrics  

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1309 - Baby Paul June 2015 (22)
Paul Onas was born June 2, 2015 at 2:30am
9lbs and 21 inches
Water Birth
This makes my 6th nephew. 
My 4th niece is coming soon. 
From the one pic I got like 8am this morning he looks a lot like Cole did when he came out and he was a water birth too.  Kind of the old man grumpy face look. 
His fathers middle name is Marion.  I think they are holding the tradition for ....interesting middle names for the boys. 
I think he was named after his grandpa, I think Stuarts real first name is Paul. 
I'm not sure so sure about these names nowadays.... 
Min went with Paul, Loryn went with Gunner (Gunny or Gun for short) and Magnolia (Maggy for short) for her new baby (Dal says "I've got my Gun, now I just need my Mags and I got it all" Get it gun and mag, a mag for the gun.  Yeah, he's a lil' obsessed) 
Natalie chose Mitchell and Felicity... we won't mention the twins,  I dunno.... 
This might be about all my nieces and nephews though. 
Paul is Min's fourth, and I'm sure, the last... Unless told otherwise... Min has 3 boys, 1 girl. 
Dustin had the twin girls with fertility help like 10 years after Scott and Hadden, so I think he's done. 
Dallin is having his second, which I think they were kind of reluctant to have... so I'm not sure they'll want any more... But I think Loryn had a plan in mind...
So Dal is prolly the only chance at any other babies until I start popping out some, which at this time table, might be awhile.  My kids will have no cousins their age.... like at all...
Natalie is on her 4th, 2 girls and 2 boys, and I think she's done after that unless she has accidents...
So if I count her kids, I have 8 boys and 6 girls!   And I'm not even 30 yet and I have all my neices and nephews that I'm gonna have probably... 
And then there's me.  *crickets*
Geez, by the time I have a baby its gonna be all the rage again cuz the family hasn't seen a new baby in so long... they'll get a lot of attention... whether they want it or not....

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Consent (28)
Maaaaaajor trigger warning for rape, sexual assault, and child molestation.
Sex Acts That Were Imposed Upon Me Without Consent The First Time I Experienced Them:
- Kissing
- Dry Humping
- French Kissing/Making Out
- Giving Manual Sex (Handjob)
- Giving Oral Sex (Blowjob)
- Receiving Manual Clitoral Stimulation 
- Receiving Oral Sex
- Receiving Manual Vaginal Penetration
- Receiving Oral Nipple Stimulation
- Receiving Tool-Assisted (Vibrator) Clitoral Stimulation
- Receiving Foreign Objects Into Vagina
- Receiving Anal Penetration By A Penis
- My First Orgasm
Sex Acts I Actively Consented To The First Time I Experienced Them:
- PIV Sex
So case anyone was wondering, that's probably why I enjoy PIV Sex not leading to my orgasm the best out of all the kinds of sex.

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friction (23)
These cells are movI ng so quickly. I don't know where i'm at or who i am anymore. I cannot seem to find myself. 
I am not working.
i am not dealing with all the lovely events.
I'm using stupid means to become numb.

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You put it on me. (13)
A year from now I will be waiting for you to see who I really am in California. The same shit is still going on in the midwest, but I think something is on the move. I had always thought that I knew love and loss. But that was just a joke at the expense of my consciousness. Playing it as if I didn't do this to myself. Then I actually did manage to discover what it means to have the former and latter. She is married [now] while I just took a deep leap and became a knight of faith. Some things should be left unexplained and in the past, yet all a person really has in existence; is all of what their past was, which is the present sliding into the future. Therefore, you are not what you are, and you are what you are not. However, this time; I mean it when I say, "that I love you." Every inch of me and whatever is left is yours and only yours. I will let you objectify me and bite down. If you were to go now, I would be halved and unequalized. If you stay, we polish our eyes with hands of which constantly grasp out for more. Disgruntled. Flux and more flux. Interested and curious.

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Untitled (16)
All racists come in the many; that is different shapes, shades, and sizes. But they seem to all have the same fantasies in common. Fantasies of a better world than this one. Therefore, to be a racist is to be in league with fascists and pornographers. Searching for a form or figure to project all ideological insecurity into. They cower their reason into "rationality" as opposed to shoving reason in itself in to reality in and of itself. However, perversion is not limited to the racist alone, but rather, appeals to a certain 'idealist'. One who can't vibe with the fact that life just is what it is. Am I speaking of evil here or just value free politics? Whatever is the case my dear child, just know that your black is beautiful and all that is human was shaped out of your form. Your life matters in as much as anyone elses. And I will always hold you down proper. 

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1308 (44)
Another bout of missing my dog, Max.  It's been two months now since he's been gone.
I attempted to take pictures on our last day together with a film camera. 
I still have a love of film, kids, as cool as digital is nowadays.
But of course, all the pictures in the house were too dark and with a black dog it doesn't work in my favor.
I wish I could post pictures on here.  I'd show you. 
There's a basically black picture, but a white door you can barely see, and in the white space you can see my black blob of a dog.  Well, I can. 
No one else would know what that picture is supposed to be.
But I've seen that scene so many times over the last few years that I know what it is. 
And it breaks my heart that no one else knows what that picture is of. 
No one else knows.  
No one else has these memories or visions of my dog in the house. No one can see it.  Its just me. 
I feel so alone in these feelings. 
Its like your the only one that knows that someone else existed in your life so its up to you to remember them. 
With losing a spouse you know there's another family out there that has memories about this loved one. But there not the same kind as your memories.  In your own home you are the only one that remembers the things they did in the house, where they put the ketchup in the fridge, where they usually sat to watch TV, where they threw their socks, etc. Their parents and siblings don't go around remembering things like that because they haven't lived with them for awhile and not in your house.  Leaving you the only one staring at the kitchen chair remembering when they sat there and laughed their heads off at something they heard or saw that day.  No one else knows that they threw a spoonful of noodles at you that one time and how their laughter rung in your house. No one else knows the look on their face when you returned the favor. And every one of your family members who passes by you thinks you are weird for staring at a chair and/or crying about a simple kitchen chair. 
It becomes an overwhelming feeling of lonelines at times. 
No one else knows that picture is of my dog at the top of the stairs.
No one else knows the look on his face, in his eyes, the anticipation of "are you coming back up or are you leaving me?" wondering if he should follow me.
No one else knows the way his ears are when he seems to ask me this at the top of the stairs. 
No one else knows the way he looks when he's at the bottom of the stairs either looking up at me. In this case he is always thinking about going up the stairs simply cuz I went up, even if I tell him to stay, I'll be right back.
Those are private moments I saw daily in my own house that no one else experienced and I feel sad and alone that no one else knows that part of my dog. 
I know what that picture is of, but maybe a few years down the road I'll forget.  But for now, that picture of blackness is labeled "I know what this is". 
Of course, after losing a dog you see dogs everywhere you go. I saw the neighbors dog recently.  I didn't want to touch him in case I did something weird like hug him to death and start crying. He's not even two years old and as big as my dog was. 
And then I realized what I miss most:
When he stood at the top of the stairs and I crawled up them, an easier angle to sneak in and steal a kiss from his cheek as he looked down at me.  The reason I attempted to take that picture in the first place.
I miss sneaking in kisses to the top of his head.
I miss kissing him. 
I'm sure he doesn't tho.  
But honestly, I do have to say, I am afraid to love again. 
I want another animal, but I don't, because I know they will die in my lifetime.  
But I've heard the first time is always the hardest and it might get easier.
"Grief never ends... but it changes.  
It is a passage, not a place to stay.  
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...
It is the price of love." 

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Rambling nonsense (43)
It's the turnaround of the turnaround that I thought the turnaround was.
Energy increase is irregular, but energy decrease is regular.
"My pizza guy looked like a hotter Wayne from Wayne's World."

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Social normz (40)
Today during a training at work I had a surreal moment.
There were four people in the room, sitting on couches around a small coffee table laden with snacks. It was, basically, a pretty informal setting.
Getting comfortable, I noticed that the best way to sit on the old and awkward couch was with my feet tucked up under me.
Then I realized it's rude to put your shoes on the furniture. So I decided to take them off. 
Then I realized it's probably rude to take your shoes off during a work meeting, even if it's pretty informal as work meetings go.
So I asked if everyone was comfortable with me taking off my shoes.
One person seemed pretty uncomfortable with the idea, and said the same.
I explained my reasoning and she relaxed a little, but probably still didn't want me to take my shoes off. I just said I'd go ahead and not put my feet on the couch. Even though it was less comfortable that way. I didn't say that last part.
Anyway, a few minutes later I noticed she was wearing flip-flops. I could basically see her whole naked feet. Even if I had taken my shoes off, my feet would have been completely covered by my socks.
So clearly foot nudity level wasn't the issue. What was? I certainly don't know. 
tl;dr social conventions make no fucking sense.

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[2025] Coup de Grace (101)
I feel like I'm walking on a tight rope but its a welcome alternative.. anything over the constant feeling of falling backwards through the air. Maybe i thought the feeling was thrilling?.. i was intoxicated on ideas based on my own feelings not facts.. breeding reason out of thin air. But there was no end. Or maybe there was and it just happened. i guess it does feel as if i smacked into the earth. 
Anywho. That was probably the longest drawn out lesson of my life...   I feel like utter crap and better than i have in a long time.. the two feelings beg for my attention. Im not worried about it though. Its crazy how 1 word or thought can trigger a simple epiphany that explodes eith a million tiny epiphanies and everything suddenly starts making all kinds of stupid sense. And its stupid because i should have known in the first place.
I have too much to do to worry about all this anymore. I just dedicated 9 months of my life to anlost cause. I can think of a better use of 9 months... or could. I dont think i want that anymore. I dont know what i want.
Dont you hate when someone tells you their going through the smae thing as you.. like. For example if you told someone your uncle died and they responded with.. "oh yeah for sure i just lost my pet gold fish". Im not saying you cant get attached to a gold fish but come freaking on.. almost 12 years and 3 weeks are not compareable. (All uncles and fishies.. that i know of.. are fine.) Just saying. 
Its ok though. 
TheBirdistheWrd . Thats my instagram. Idk why I'm posting it. I haven't before and i dontsee a reason no to. Just bored i guess. 
My cat is trying to cuddle with my phone while i write this.. grr. Move yo face kitteh.
From now on I'm only caring about things that either care back or make me feel good. Everything else can suck it. 

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A Third Wave Dialogue (29)
Mr. Twell and Mr. Scotson had been waiting on their tea, when Mr. Fuller and Mr. Hobbes step inside. The former two had been discussing a certain kind of dilemma when Mr. Twell extends the conversation to the others through a serious question.
Mr. Twell: 
The problem is do we need noble lies or "magnificent" ideals to keep social and political order stable or can we go beyond the mob element and govern through reason? I myself am starting believe that it is becoming more and more necessary to have to lie to the people in order to have things work properly. By lie in this case I mean that of which does not exist outside of our own conceptions and ideas (but we are told that they do) in such that they have ends in the material world. It sort of describes some of the discussions you and I have been having over the notion of a "noble lie" or "magnificent truth". Though I slightly disagree with that authors interpretation in adding Kant to that list of conservative thinkers who believe in using noble lies, in the instance that Kant believes we have no access to truth in-itself of anything whether it be politics, the universe, or our very existence. So its not that the truth is necessarily "too strong" for human beings to envelop themselves in, we just don't have the faculties to live beyond our own immediate experience. But hell I don't know. This whole idea of having to lie to everyone in order to maintain order, is asking for a whole new type of political cynicism, but its just the same as saying politics is a dirty business.
Mr. Scotson:
It's always hard to nail down the line between empirical truth vs subjective experience. I don't necessarily think that all "truth" is off limits to humans per-se, but obviously sensory experience hinders the expedition to varying degrees more or less. I don't think the dichotomy between truth and experience translates into justification for the "noble lie" however.You can't fool all of the people all of the time. Perhaps the lie itself adds stability to the human condition, but eventually the lie is going to be discovered for what it really is. Everyone grows up and realizes Santa isn't real, and I think that is easily juxtaposed against society as a whole in regards to the truth. If philosophy really is a search for truth, and the philosopher the highest form of human being; I don't really see the logic in embracing the lie. I don't like him throwing Kant into the same pile either. I have my own issues with Kant, but this definitely isn't one of them. Kant is somewhat right though, that experience is powerful enough to distort the truth since we can only interpret what that truth is through the lens of our own subjective reality. I still don't think this justifies hiding what is true though, only that one must take into account that what they hold as true might not actually be without distortion. Really though, there is a little bullshit in all we see, do, and know. Why add more to the pile? Philosophy is about human liberation, not justification for the status quo.
Mr. Twell:
I think the problem is exactly that though. If we put the dichotomy on the shelf and assume that some aspects of the truth are available to us, then the people are challenged in acquiring it and holding on to it. But I’m starting to feel that such truths are either too much to handle or are really loosing their effectiveness on society as a whole. For example, the truth is we could all govern ourselves if we restrained a few of our liberties, but the people need convincing to do so if they haven’t arrived to this conclusion through reason alone. In past societies religion/myth was that arbiter. However we made a deal and traded religion in for politics; we still only have two social conditions or choices though; centralized and decentralized democracy. Both have their problems and I’m not advocating fascism or tyranny, but I do understand the logic behind it. If the people are given too much freedom, then the culture becomes licentious and the majority gain together and mob up. If the leadership is given too much freedom in the form of authoritarian power, then the culture is of repression and oppression. There are very few who are aware of this distinction and of this know how, make sure there is a balance. Or basically we tell them a noble lie to keep the order. Will people be ok with this? Even given a tour of the real world outside of the cave? Im not so sure, that people want to deal with that responsibility. I think this is becoming all the more possible as days go on and on. 
Every beginner philosophy course poses the whole matrix kind of question (to some form or another as to what would happen if there was a machine that could completely simulate a real life experience.) Often times people say they wouldn’t live in the machine because they could not have the feeling of the experience in itself of say eating a real piece of chocolate vs the simulated one. But just look at the logic of our political systems, they are molded to imitate direct govern-ship except it is centralized at the level of representatives. A representative democracy is essentially a simulated direct democracy so to say, that individuals use avatars to solve political disputes. But this all hinges on whether the people continue to believe in the noble lie, that of they "can't govern themselves" or "this is all necessary". And some would rather hold onto the lie than have a real genuine experience. Remember Bill Hicks; We often kill the people who come back to tell us, "its just a ride and we can change it at any time."
Then on the other side even if we tell them this is all just an idea realized and can be easily changed. Will they look past their own consumption and change that social condition? Or leave it in place and just tear down the old guard and its institutions. If little Timmy grows up and no longer believes in Santa or Jesus or that Washington couldn’t tell a lie, or that Democracy and Justice are just pretty words. Then we are in trouble. What then does Timmy have to believe in? Better yet as the pleasures and luxury afforded in the lie are starting to disappear, what then do we do? The probability that all reactionary forces start to mobilize and cause chaos gains traction. I think one example is Justice and Freedom. While we are motivated by these ideas to the extent that we try to concretize or instantiated them into the real world of experience. They are only ideas nonetheless. And belief and practice in these ideas are highly dependent on us all believing them to exist. But they don’t really empirically exist. Someone point out justice to me like we can say a tree or building. It isn't possible. However, it is something people are ready to lay down their lives for. So the people have to believe to a certain degree that these things exist universally in order to keep the order. Other wise we end up with a culture that doesn’t believe in anything or worse a nihilistic society that is easily manipulated. This makes us all complicit in the noble itself, because we are constantly trying to maintain it ourselves or have people do it for us. We the people could actually directly govern ourselves so long as we were educated in the problems of too much democracy and too much liberty. “The whole power through self-discipline” we see in Kant, Plato and Aristotle (to some extent) emerges through this problem. But instead of taking the time to reason with this issue the people would rather have hired individuals to do this job for them. They are fine with the chicanery in the machine, because the responsibility of govern-ship is either too daunting or banal. Hence, the noble lie is supposed to compensate this affinity to nihilism, by providing people a reason outside of their own material well being as a means to secure material ends.
But it may be as you say, “you can’t fool all of the people all the time”. Individuals are either tired of not getting what they expect out of their own idealism and thus get together to acquire it. Or you have the liberally educated (both of the left and the right) that also know that this is all depending on the people believing in something beyond themselves, but doesn’t exist unless the people make it so. But look at the mismanagement of such forces and the violence that follows after. I agree that some portion of the truth involves a bit of bullshit. I find it incredibly naive that Kant thinks that human will has and will always bend before pure reason, but reason itself; is all powerful and can’t be talked about. Then why are we positing it in as that which motivates people to restrain themselves? So its on a different ground that I have a problem with Kant's analysis.
I do think there is something to the whole freedom in discipline through restraint, I’m just not sure that if individuals are faced with having to do that, could do it on their own. Especially today as we have fallen in love with our consumption and I don’t see us going back. Is Philosophy a revolutionary force for change though? And to what end? This reminds me of Marx’s problems with the common people. In that Marx couldn’t see a proper revolution without some theoretic conception to the practice. But I side with Aristotle and I think the practice aspect is becoming all the more important. Its not enough to teach people the truth and to liberate them. Often times it seems people are afraid of this very notion i.e. their own freedom and being responsible for it. If it is as you say and the noble lie is becoming all the more improbable to the people, because of ineffective leadership, then they might some day practice the change they want to see.
The people will either have to govern themselves with the restraint spoke about earlier or create a new noble lie that distorts what we all know: i.e. that if individuals are left to their own devices, then they will let things go to shit. But then education seems to fall into the center then? Are we preparing individuals to lead or to follow the consumption train down the rail road of capitalism? Philosophy in itself may be complicit in this as well. Its Socrates who warns the men of Athens at his trial, that if you kill me, you will just be letting the flood gates open to wide spread skepticism about democracy, and the people will grow chaos and let the door open to tyrannical control. And if we look down the line; Socrates tutors Plato, Plato tutors Aristotle, Aristotle tutors Alexander the great. Similarly, the Nazi take over in Germany was also later phenomenon to a strong liberally democratic and philosophically aware culture. Philosophy in itself maybe too academic or institutionalized, even alien to the people.
Mr. Fuller:
I hate the noble lie. I think setting out to treat the world like a mob undermines its potential to be more than a mob.
Mr. Twell:
But just look at what happens when the noble lie starts to loose its place in society. Individuals repress their instincts inwardly for the sake of maintaining the belief in something of which doesn't exist, because its outside of the mind. And when reality starts to outweigh expectations, that energy is projected into either revolutionary forces or reactionary forces. The people often appeal to the latter as history goes to show. I like to think that people are more than just what they believe, but when I see how much violence follows after our ideals, I begin to get cynical. What do you think?
Mr. Fuller:
I know this is going to sound a bit dark, but I'll say it anyway: The noble lie presupposes that it is necessary for society to continue existing after we're individually dead and gone. I have *always* had a problem with this because I see no justification for it. If the justification exists, I'd like to learn about it. But if it doesn't, then it just means this is what we choose as our value or goal, which is fine. My question is, why would someone want it so much that they would undermine their own intellect, as well as everyone else's just to attain it?
Mr. Hobbes:
While I stand with you Mr. Fuller, I think there is an implied agreement that as much as we benefit from the greater whole, society too shall benefit society in return. This is not a bad agreement when it is outside the scope of mass corruption because we do need the collaboration required to have as many innovations as possible. This agreement is in my opinion outside the structure of governance and that it is the corrupt ambitions whether latent within all people or just a few that has caused the now toxic greater whole to spread its poison through its individuals. In this way, the Noble Lie, sometimes  appears in specific types of people whose ambitions lie in following the herd. Those are not the people creating or perpetuation any Noble Lies. They couldn't if they tried. So what would differentiate the governed from those who have prioritized so-called self-empowerment through any means necessary? Are they not also people who believe in their own noble-lie, albeit self perpetuated?

I am of the opinion, that before we speak on what forces govern the world we should be talking about the forces that govern individuals, biological and psychological, because this is what determines how we behave or how we react to events. Even when I try and think about how the herd would behave if they had no noble lie I am led to the core question of whether man is inherently well-intentioned or not. If we strip away the noble lie and all social conditioning from an individual would he prefer to work together all bets on the table or will he always feel the need to hide his cards due to the mistrust of others? In the animal kingdom, and if we were to look at man as an animal, I believe he would be afraid and ready to ensure his own long term survival through any means necessary, though we have seen that even some animals have behaved in ways that seem outside of their instinct. So why does the herd need to be led? Most of us are afraid of what is beneath the surface of who we take ourselves to be, the so-called identity. Put a person in a room alone with their thoughts and they will begin to fidget. There is a very real and powerful reason why this happens! This tension that we all feel deep down is real! Figure that in to the social calculus and I think the whole notion for why we need a noble lie will begin to make sense, as well as the awareness of the utter helplessness and stupidity that we are.Therefore, the noble lie is something that the herds create for itself, whether it is instilled in them or not.
Mr. Twell:
I agree. I think we love our lies and take of them as true in order to keep our identities or self-hood intact. It could also be argued that acts of violence try to cover this impotence or incompetence in that we don't have the language to express or talk about the "real" as long as the ego is in the way. 
But this requires that individuals settle with the experience of things as opposed to the mere spectacle. And I share your sentiments, when we ask ourselves of human nature stripped of all that makes them all too human. Are we all like what Mr. Hobbes has said in tha past; greedy little balls of energy trying to get one over on each other if presented the opportunity to do so? And is the noble lie then something of which occurs naturally due to biological and environmental factors? Whether there is a such thing as noble peaceful places of origin Im not sure. History shows that the story of civilization is the story of warand conflict. Perhaps then people collectively designated all their fears into one and decided, "hey you don't hurt me and I wont hurt you". But how much of this story is part of the lie used to keep the eb and flow of politics together? If our very language is confined to policing oneself strictly then maybe our debate is jerry rigged from the start as an off shoot of our own egoism.

Again Mr. Fuller, I think there is something to this idea of holding back others in order to keep business as usual. The "crab mentality" appeals to societies much like ours in this aspect, because we continue to believe in our fantasies of a better place. Thus we are constantly in a tug of war with each other over getting out of the bucket. I'm sure, this is reminding you of the small discussion we had about Iago from Othello. His individuality was one of calculating and rational, but could only reason cynically. He realizes that others can not be trusted yet tragically undermines himself in the process. So I can somewhat see the futility in maintaining a lie amongst the people and oneself, because it can lead themselves to ruin in the whole of telling it and perpetuated. But Im not so sure this makes it categorically imperative to tell the truth, because of the lack of grasp on the truth and so long as everyone else in society is lying to one another. When we try to do the opposite and do good we open ourselves up to all sorts of manipulation and often times do more harm.
Mr. Fuller:
The notion that we need to lie to ourselves and others is historically supported, but I don't think that it is the only way to make it through this life. Just look at us now. We're discussing the noble lie in such a way that shows we aren't necessarily ruled by it. Its power over us only extends as far as we allow it to.
Now, if we were to do away with the illusions, would we suddenly begin to crumble to bits, with our identities littering the floors? Possibly. And would we be destined to battling one another in pursuit of our goals and to ensure our genes get passed on? Possibly. But we must remember this is just a possibility. It's also possible that a person can recognize that their identity is primarily the result of choice, and he can choose to stay on a path in spite of whatever changes in the environment. There could possibly be a group of people who all recognize this and choose to live together, peacefully and honestly. If we fear the possibility that we'll descend too far into nihilism or there won't be enough of us or someone can come along and take advantage of us, we will have done more than avoided those negative consequences. We will have removed the most positive possibility from the table: a life without illusions. Why is it that we so often settle for the noble lie? Is it because we can't trust everyone to be prepared to live openly and honestly? Is it because we'll last longer if we're more calculated in our interactions? To both of these, I say, "So what." I don't think it matters how long we last as individuals or as a collective once we acknowledge the fact of death. It will happen no matter how we live our lives, and it could happen at any time, really. So, why not be real with ourselves and everyone else? Risks, be damned! I don't think we have anything better to do with our time here. That should be obvious at least?
—Suddenly a young woman in the booth over-hears their conversation and chimes in.
Ms. Dewey: 
I believe the distinction between a "noble lie" and a mythos that is part of the collective consciousness of a people can be made to be a large distinction, but it could also be made to be a small one. Throughout human history the majority of people have relied on authority to set the order, whether they needed it or not is somewhat of an empirical claim that I don't believe can be easily made. I think there's a strong sense of "if it's not true then it's a lie" in our contemporary culture. A "noble lie" consists, in my opinion, of giving people ideals to live up to. Do we always live up to those ideals? It's clear that we don't. However, I get the sense that people do want to live up to idealistic forms of character. We pride ourselves in knowing the difference between a noble personality and a dishonorable one. Should we strive for a collective ideal that's been passed down through our culture for X amount of years or generations? Should we all decide for ourselves what is the ideal way to construct our character? To be more realistic, do we not do a little of both, as they are not completely incompatible with each other? We have a wealth of symbols which point to us ways of living that we may incorporate into our lives but don't necessarily dictate 100% how we choose to do so. I don't think it's disingenuous in being inspired by culture in order to create ourselves and in finding our individual values.

I realize this conversation is more of a society or political context than I led on in my response. I don't know if this sounds cheesy, but I subscribe to the notion that to change society we must change ourselves. We could overthrow the system and place another one in its place, but would it not attract the same personalities that are governing now? Isn't there a kind of personality that is more prone to seeking power than others? This is the problem of dictatorship. When we have politicians who are trying to live up to "noble values" and make it their central argument for power, typically those are fascists or worse, and they would hold back nothing in order to realize those ideals, even at the expense of their (and our) humanity.

I'm not so sure democracy for the people, on an individual level, is something we are ready for as a whole. Perhaps small pockets of humanity can come together to form a society in which everyone rules themselves. There are simply too many world problems for us to decentralize everything. I also get the sense that history ebbs and flows, that freedom and liberty are more prized possessions in some times than in others. A centralized government is needed to solve big problems, not because government generally solves problems (I'm sure we could all agree that a lot of times government is possibly the problem itself) but more because government is, on some level, a large collection of people. It's an organization, and a very large one at that. It's size may prohibit itself from solving the problems it sets out to fix. However, there are problems that don't seem to be fixable on simply an individual level. So I wonder if the idea of people governing themselves can be a "noble lie" onto itself, the idea that we can all be noble creatures capable of governing ourselves if we were to make a few concessions to each other. But if it is, is it a bad "noble lie" or not? If the idea of it gets people to think about themselves, their place in society, society's context in history as a whole, does it have to be true in order to be valued? Could it instead be a means to an end, instead of an end in itself? If it facilitates thoughtful discussion, positive change and growth, then why does it have to be called a lie instead of a popular myth, a metaphor for something greater than the organization of society, or the disorganization of society rather?

I really believe that we may at one point get past the need for government entirely. However, I find myself cynical about the state of humanity on some levels. Most people don't want to think about how to live their lives any deeper than they have to. In some ways, I kind of respect Nietzsche's idea that philosophical reflection, on some levels, is a sign of disease or malfunction. When we act spontaneously, out of the center of our being, without doubt or skepticism, we are in some ways expressing something deeper than our ability to question everything. Some people are just prone to being curious about everything and get off on getting into deep conversations where they get to play around with symbols and turn them over and over, attempting to see what they are made of. However, I think most people want to go along with the herd like the gentlemen spoke ealier of because they don't need to think deeply about it. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, other than right now it seems like the thoughtlessness of others is possibly the biggest problem of our age. We can solve any problem if we all were simply more aware and willing to do something about it. So it goes both ways for me. If we get to a point where everyone is thinking deeply about how to live their lives, to govern society, etc. it's more a sign of a problem to me, but at the same time the fact that people aren't taking up these issues at a time when we desperately need to shows our ignorance and unwillingness to step up to the plate and make a difference when it is needed most.  
Even if we get to the "ideal form of government or society, etc, where would our more philosophically minded people go with their philosophizing? Would they also attempt to find an "ideal" way to live, even though it was already achieved? Is there ever a constant in human history greater than change itself?
With that said, I myself, recently thought of this noble lie idea and have noticed it around me. It made me think that I am surrounded by them but haven't been recognizing them as such. How do you gentlemen feel about the idea that "if you work hard enough you will become rich?" Is that not one of the "noblest lies" of our age? There as so many counter examples to that idea that it begs the question of why we are still telling this to ourselves and each other. But I have to admit, I have fallen for this lie and continue to believe it regardless. 
Mr. Twell:
I whole heartedly agree. The American dream is supposed to be utopia realized, but this ideal has either eroded away for some or maintained itself for others. For this reason, I bring up the problem of cynicism and nihilism as an underlying dilemma to the noble lie. And in some way by chance the kind of noble lie that we are talking about is of an offshoot with the difficulties in modernity. I guess one way to put it is; interpretation and skepticism, while, healthy habits of the mind, can at one point cultivate escapism. I think Nietzsche's attack on asceticism and enlightenment mirrors this issue. Its usually the uber-rational who stress about the world and its problems. But as I have said before. I think this is becoming more ideal as we move on as a society. We need to have a goal or motivation of some sort, and I think even Nietzsche does this by creating Zarathustra. 

Another historical example is modernity in itself. Its goals required that individuals use their mind to restrain their bodily pursuits as a means to a social end or material good. Of course this only benefited a small few of aristocratic white dudes. I think even we accept this pay off though, i.e. the whole idea that someday everyone will govern themselves through pure will or ego. All this really does is inculcate individualism into the centerfold of society. So then all of things of which we thought were bad become good. Greed is good right? So long as we include a caveat or two. Some even call this era and its predecessor the century of the self and selfishness. 

There is however a such thing as having "too much respect upon the world...[and losing it] that do buy it with much care". Meaning, we shouldn't always kid ourselves and start to romanticize things out to be what they really aren't. We shouldn't put the rational or objective truth on a pedestal in opposition to the non-truth or truth etc. And in this way our meta-skepticism should even subject the ego to its rigors. Rationality, and self-hood, in as much as the physical or concrete world should be tested, to the dismay of Socrate's whole examined life thesis. I think modernity hitherto has sold itself on the rewards of cultural anthropology and humanism thereafter. For example, we erect institutions, produce languages, all of which could be called "offshoots" or "representations" of our ego in some way.

The work we do is supposed to mean something. However, today work only seems to have its value in material ends of the ego. A huge massage if you will. This ideal is becoming increasingly harder to maintain what with progress and technology. Try asking an employee at Burger King or McDonalds as to how they value their work. And outside of that realm, even academia is going through a similar change, what with the whole "specialization" phenomena. 

So has the ego or self, or humanity really been better off believing in this all? As Montaigne said, "ignorance is the softest pillow on which a man can rest his head". The trade offs are just too appetizing. Im sure its better to have a tooth-ache today than say 300 hundred years ago. But then again has something essential gone away in the process? And the inverse is not so true once we put things like war and violence on the table. Has enlightenment made us any better off or have we prided ourselves like the people of the first book did. For what its worth, the Tower of Babel can be anywhere the ego and glory reside.

This is why, I 'm starting to believe that noble lies are all the more necessary. I look at it like this. We use the word “lie" as a codifier, in that, its use value comes in making a phenomenological reduction of some sort. In this case we are saying something about the world as opposed to how the world really is. So when we tell any kind of lie, we are saying something of metaphysical importance, maybe even of theological necessity. 

I feel this way dialectically, because when we call a "lie" out we are also in some way using another distortion, in this case, "the real". But just what is the real? Is it unreachable on even a philosophical level i.e. isness? Or [b]eing as Aristotle and Heidegger pronounce to us. Is it empirical reality as we know it? The world of science? Which at some level or another breaks down in matters of the quantum level. Is it psychological like Jung, Freud, and Lacan would have us believe, maybe even political in the way, Hobbes and Machiavelli would argue. It could even be on the level of mtyhos as you describe, and as others like Nietzsche, Campbell, and Sartre to a certain extent all agree. Perhaps Plato is right in some way or another, by positing forms in, because at one level or another we loose a grip on interpretation, and due in part to the problem of subjectivity. The whole notion of ineffability etc. Therefore the lie in itself is not inherently bad, in fact we can name plenty of genuine cases of when lying does more good than harm. If the gestapo or stalinist is knocking on my door, requesting I aid them in apprehending my neighbor for being Jewish or just plain different. And I choose to lie. So fuckin be it. I don't think we'd be faulted for not telling the truth as a means to preserve the truth. This as is the case of a noble lie or magnanimous truth as the Greeks called them. A portion of the reduction is not wholly objective but is true and universal to some extent. 

So then you are right, when you bring up the ends and means problem. Because not lying to one another involves everyone being treated as of ends as opposed to means. I hesitate, but nonetheless don't see us ever getting there, because how entirely utopian the whole thing seems. And with every utopian ideal come to life, there is a sort of disclosure. We discover that utopias are either lame or tyrannical as you say. The first can be said of where we live today. America beyond the American dream, has its founding document principled on highly regarding people as ends as opposed to means. In this we are all equal. The second, could be said of ideals taken to extremes. That is the maintenance fee of a widely excepted noble lie has a diminished return. And we respond in kind with either of the following; more demand (suspension of disbelief), metaphysical indifference (nihilism), or ressentiment (cynicism). I believe we are at the point of tottering between the latter two as a whole.

The first is what we've always done; create a whole new lie to replace that one and so on and so forth. And this is why I can't help but allude to politics, because it is at the second level we are talking about whole groups of people as opposed to the individual. Remember the heart of this phrase, “no man or woman is an island”. I think there is something too that. Politics was supposed to be that of which mediated the tension between the individual and majority. A bridge between freedom and liberty. Before that religion. So then is this noble lie running its course? If we look around in some places it would certainly seem that way, but in other areas not so much. One thing is for sure. If the noble lie is structured similarly to that of a web of belief, then they can be maintained and nurtured, so as a means to preserve the sacred. If the "sacred" means a free an equal society, which individuals don't have to work menial jobs and can indulge in philosophy etc, than I think there is merit in having a false belief as a means to do so. I think Mr. Fuller would have more to say on that I could  on that subject, since it involves literature. Although I'm reminded of Sartre's notion of bad faith here. I guess I'm asking; Do you think bad faith is really bad in itself or can it be used as a means to something of which could be consider as good? Because isn't the 'noble lie' at the individual level really just a "lie" unto ones own consciousness as a means to survive in some way? So its not so much as a negative presupposition unto humanity, but rather one thats open to interpretation so long as it serves a greater good. Im not asking us to be fascists in a platonic hyper-reality nor computer programs in a Wachowski bros film. But how else are we supposed to keep ideas like justice, democracy, freedom, and individualism around? Im starting to think material consumption is sort of trumping that. So the noble lie in itself is a lot like an empty container, because we can pretty much distort experience any way we can--imagine ad infinitum. And at the end of the day then we have to deal with language and meaning.
Ms. Dewey:
Taking on a Nietzschean project like Zarathustra is difficult. It's uncertain what kind of thematic personality is going to ring true for a majority of people enough to make the symbol alive. I think a Jungian or Campbellian approach to symbol analysis is entirely relevant. For Campbell anyways he makes explicit that in order for a symbol (political, religious, cultural, etc.) to be active it has to resonate in people someplace beyond their rational comprehension. And so there's something that speaks beyond rational discourse and in a way forms the basis for what the discourse would then look like. 

The Age of Reason had it's own idols, namely reason, and discourse was based on certain premises being true, namely that the truth can be known through rational inquiry, yadda yadda. If you believe that everything happens because God wills it, then that's going to be the unquestioned assumption behind all inquiry into the world. If you believe that everything happens randomly and the only meaning is that which is applied by people themselves, everyone's perspective is going to seem like a useless grasp at meaning in a meaningless void. The Age of Reason simply set the stage for what would be acceptable to believe or state as truth. But for me, the poetry of a flower opening and stretching towards the sun is just as relevant and important as the scientific explanation of chemical reactions and all that science shit that's awesome. 

The notion that Nietzsche gives about "living the good life" hasn't necessarily come into it's day. That lived by a person who considers their life to be a work of art, and the world around them is a canvass for their experiences (a personal exaggeration of my own). It's a powerful symbol. I think it cannot be taken seriously by someone who considers their ego to be their highest function, nor someone who prizes reason above all. Perhaps it will take time for that sort of age to mature. Perhaps it may be a part of the next "noble lie" that leads men to greatness.

We are the lucky inheritors of an amazingly rich, dense, and seemingly endless amount of information. It's always interesting to me to see where people get their inspiration because we have so much to choose from. I also feel entirely privileged to be in a culture that allows for the manipulation of symbols and meaning, that tolerates vague and abstract notions of beauty, truth, freedom, etc. I believe it's the artist's job to inquire into such symbols and render them visually or musically, in some way that gives us another perspective. I know it's said that we are a generation drowning in a multitude of perspectives, but I have the utmost admiration for those who not only swim, but surf the tides of subjective truths available.

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Miss Materialist. (24)
A cleft hand scathes the inside of my palm prints and I ask "is this what it means to be a fact". You wanted our femurs to always polish the base of our goods and evils. Always—After and before. The action, the State in all its positions. Having us bend and flee to our inwardness. Trying to purify our conscience. And despite all of that.We are still banal and boring. Save your chump change and burn your rhyme book. The truth of the matter is you allow the real to distort your language. And what is our institution other than an imitation of our egos. Don't kid me around as I already own a vacuum cleaner. Put your idealism at rest for once and look at me and say what we are all afraid to admit. That at the end of the day “I’m selfish just like everyone else is and did what I did because of the instant gratification”. Now is that really so bad? It is better than saying, "I'm fucked up" or "I have a shady disposition". And even if my sincerity is a kind of cheap knock off of your eyes. Its not as if you would listen to what I have to say unless it was of the usual. Which is the best kind of piousness. Oral fixation and her facticity. You picked today on purpose, right?

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Untitled (12)
my solitude will be the end of me. 

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[2017] The Way That It Will Be (61)
I feel lost, too.
I wouldn't say I don't have a direction.. I think more accurate would be, if I am a boat in the ocean, I have a direction but no paddle. And I actually have a few directions that could make sense... but right now they all depend on distance (as in time and effort) to get there instead of what I would pick if distance wasnt an issue. Lik if I had a motor. Or a dragon. Yes.
I feel like a broken record. Saying th same things to absolutely everyone, including myself. making decisions in my head but not turning choices into actions and moving forward. Just staying and expecting things to change. I hurt everyone around me. I try to be selfless and end up being more selfish than before. I don't understand how it happens. I don't know what to do. I know what I want, what I should want, what I could want, etc etc... i know a lot of things that dont  matter.
The fire in my chest ignnited again today and I dont think its going to go away. It never did. Why am I surprised. Did I expect anything else..
I feel like I've been split into several different people all sitting around a conference table debating what they think I should do every second of every day and in general. Maybe its always been this way but there was aa dominant voice that I refered to as myself and chose to listen to the most. but now they all sound the same. And nothing I do makes sense from one second to the next because these people are nothing alike. One day I think one way and the next someone else takes over and the things I thought the day before dont make sense.. or do but i couldnt care less because so does this new voice. i dont actually hear voices.... that'd be nice though. sometimes the silence is overwhelming.
I feel old. the last 2 years. Like its too late for anything to be "fixed". And then I feel ridiculous for thinking that way.
I've decided to put all my old dreams away for good. Develop new dreams. Stop putting timeframes on plans. Nothing ever works out the way you want. Planning is good to an extent. Waiting for the right time.. waiting for things to feel "right" isn't a way to live. But even if you dont think that way.. others usually feel that way so what you want doesnt matter anyways.
Everyday, at least for now, I work out for my body, learn french for my mind, and play guitar for my soul. I wish I could say its enough. Its not but it definitely helps.
Right now I feel like getting as far away from this place as possible. Not just that but disappearing. One day just leaving a note for everyone I know who cares (and thats not many) and just leave and not say where or why just leave and not give a date for coming back or say whether i am or not. For several different reasons. I have some issues.. some things that happened. things i dont think will go away. i thought i could deal with some stuff.. and instead.. well it doesnt matter.. but i realized.. even if i deal with one thing another will take its place, whether its the same sort of situation or something else. and whats the point? Why try? Why not just steer into the skid? What if this is God or the unverse telling me what it thinks of me.. what I'm worth.. or I just have really bad luck. I'm too naive. I'm too fragile. I'm too trusting. As much as I would love to say I dont trst anyone (and I often do) it isnt true. i trust everyone. I fall in love with everyone i meet. Not in an in love love way but you know what i mean. or you dont.what was the point? Right... I'm just screwed. I can continue to try and be what I think I should be and try to do good because that's what i think is important and genuinely want or just say screw it.. and give in to this feeling. meh. I dont know how to explain what that would mean without gtting into stuff i dont care to talk about. but i feel like whatever is causing that feeling is growing and isnt going to stop any time soon.
Its not fair to want things to go back to the way they were before.
I try putting myself in other peoples shoes. Not just saying it but really.. I spend way too much time just imagining how it would be.. and how i would feel.. thats what makes everything so hard.. i dont want to hurt anyone. but i cant do this anymore. and no matter what i choose i will hurt too in some way. no matter what. being honest was enough in the beginning but not anymore. the only thing that matters now is following through. how. its impossible. feelings are such shit. they just screw everything up.
at least I am on my own. at least.
i miss jefri. weird subject change but today i thought.. what got me through before? What is  making it so hard? And i dont know.. but i had beeen really busy with him.. especially as he got older and needed constant attention.. he was like a baby. and he looked so cute in his little premie diapers... a buny in a diaper is probably the best thing ever.. and sad. but he wasnt suffering. he didn't not even at the end. he was happy. but it wasn't just that.. he was with me through a lot. its stupid but.. lol its stupid.. but i had him 10 years and when i was sad we would sit and i would cry and he would lick me like he knew. and he wasnt just a rabbit.. everyone said he was like a puppy.  Idk he'd lick my nose and cuddle against my leg. i guess its been about 8 months and i havent thought about it. i got rid of all his stuff the same day he passed because i didnt want to look at it. but now its like he never was. i kept some stuff. the bear he loved and licked so much his nose came off. And his socks. Yeah.. he had socks. and little stuff like that. idk its weird. the middle of last year can forever be labeled the season of major change. its weird that he isn't here when i need him.. i feel a little foolish for saying that but its true.
I'm think I'm going to watch a movie. I've been watching the show bob's burgers.. lol tim was watching it and i was giving him a hard time... said it looked really lame. well i was wrong. its probably the only thing that can make me laugh right now. cartooooons. and the voice of louise is the girl from flight of the conchords.. the really obnoxious fan and she's in that new show (which is also pretty funny) last man on earth. the first 2 episodes of that show are amazing. now its just good.
I have to make cake pops for my mom tomorrow. meh. and decorate them. double meh. i usually wouldnt care but idk. i dont feel great. i'm half way between wanting to curl up in a ball and rock back and forth or banging my head against a wall.. at least i dont want to stab myself repeatedly in the heart just to prove to myself that that's not what I am actually experiencing. lol Im stupid.
wah wah wah.. this is why i want to just leave. I am so annoyed with myself. saiasildalsdlsakmdaksm. and my entries just get longer and longer because i think if i just get it all out I'll feel better but I dont.

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The things that haunt my waking. (67)
I know the answer to a great many questions. Questions that only lead to more questions.
You still love a woman. Still want a woman.
You don't think that means the end of our marriage. But let me explain it to you.
You can't wrap me in your arms with the sensuality I crave. Your love won't comfort me when I am lost, as men get lost sometimes (and need to be found between the legs of another). Making love to you is mechanical, and I am not.
You say you want to be my wife, to be the best wife for me. You want to be monogomous. But even while you say this you clench tightly to a relationship with the very woman who tears us apart.
Your love still outweighs your hatred of Valerie Fuller.
And you lie to me, and probably yourself. But you cling to her gifts as you once did mine. And you quietly (and behind my back) make arrangements to see her. To be near her. To fill that ACHE. The ache of desire is a cup never filled.
And now to the truth that matters:
To be married is for us to serve each other. In this moment you ache for another, and you are still having an affair. Still trying to fill your needs outside of your commitments. Still trying to get as close to what you want as you can. I know where that leads. And if you were to sacrifice those needs and commit only to your marriage, would you truly, could you truly be happy? Would I? I think we both know the answers to these questions. And as much as you don't want to face the truth of it, our marriage ending is mostly your own fault. Your own biological inability to love a man as he deserves to be loved (if there is such a thing as deserving love).
I don't know how to start over. With or without you.
And I don't like that I get to add you to the long list of people who have failed to love me. Perhaps it's just another incarnation of the phrase "we accept the love we think we deserve."
I don't know who I am enough to know how this plays out. I know that I have no obligation to be kind while you are cruel. I know that for now I am more interested in being fair.
This is likely to be a test of forebearance for us both. And I don't know where it goes...

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the last cold step (181)
this will be the last
on the staircase
of your apartment building
arms around knees
chipping salmon-colored walls
leaning on the black
shining railing
i've gotten closer
with this railing
than i ever did
with you
i've familiarized myself
with this cold step
the mornings after
makeup dripping
on my lap and hands
my hair spilling in tangled dreads
my body and soul worn inside out
like dirty socks
from not being able
to say 
i love you
this cold step
it and i
shared our moments

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New Chapter (104)
Life is a trip. been on this work trip for 2 weeks now .. day 16 in a row. 10+ hour days. Its been really nice being up here on this trip though. I feel like after this past trip up to uncle gary's, and now being in grass valley, I have a new state of mind. One free from my depression, anxiety and doubts. I need to let all the negative go and forgive myself for my past. I've almost been thinking that my car accident really messed up my head as a kid. I'm starting to remember things about my childhood that I had long forgoten. Memories that bring me joy but also humble me. Thats what I want to be: Humble. Its a word that I've used a lot without ever really feeling it. There is plenty of work to be done in my life right now. After this trip I am going to go home and re-do our bathroom. Fix the panneling, the shower, the floor, the cieling.  Ive been taking a lot of pride in the work that I have done lately. And pride is something I havent had in a long time. It feels good to be proud. Going to continue with the welding classses and the growing. Gotta get home to build a flower room and build some gardening boxes. ugh so much to do! So very excited about the future!

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1307 (418)
Its been one month and 3 days since my dog died. 
It was the first Saturday this weekend I had to myself at home since he died. 
Maybe it was the weather, the house and the memories, or simply not having anything to do that made me sad. 
I kept thinking "its Saturday and I dont have any plans I should take the dog for a walk." 
and then I remember....
I thought that in the morning, remembering how he bugs me to death until I take him for a walk. 
But there was no nose in my face.  No expectant look.  No jumping around in excitment.  No leash.  No collar clanking.  No dog jumping out the door.  No dog racing ahead of me down the sidewalk. 
There was no reason to go for a walk.
Finally, by like 3:30 I couldn't take the memories and subconcious thoughts of him bugging me until we go for a walk. 
So I 'took the dog for a walk'.
I walked around the block by myself.
I've already started to forget him.
It seems too soon. 
I miss you, Max.

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1306 (321)
I have a pet peeve that is climbing to the top of my list recently...
Its actually yet another spin off of my original pet peeve so its still No 1 pet peeve of mine:  Suffering the consequences of someone elses decisions. 
In this case, someone elses LACK of decisions.
As a Young Single Adult we always get the same speech:  "go on dates, get married, have children"
And it's usually the men that get an additional speech like unto:  "stop procrastinating, stop delaying, get off the video games, get off your butt and ask a girl out! In person, not in text" 
And to this the girls, who are pushing 30 and just want children, they respond with a resounding "Yeah! What he said." 
I'm not entirely sure what my pet peeve is exactly...
Is it the fact the girls dump all the responsibility on the guys?  And they wait and wait for them to make a move? They do nothing to change their situation?  I mean, sure, generally its the guys responsibility, but we are in the 21st century here, things have changed since when our parents dated. 
Is it the fact they whine and complain about the guys not doing anything for years....and years... and years?  I find myself nodding.
Or is it the fact the reason they are complaining about not being married at 26-28 is because their happiness depends on being married and/or having children?
I guess my pet peeve is all rolled up into all three there... 
Every time there is the lecture to get off your butt and ask people out on dates all the girls ALWAYS assume they are talking to just the boys even when the girls are there listening too.  The girl next to me made the comment of "I'm not the one delaying"  as in she's not the one procrastinating going on dates. 
I wanted to call "bullshit" right there! 
She may not technically be responsible for asking boys out, but she sure as hell is going to complain about it the rest of her life and/or NOT do ANYTHING to CHANGE her situation and just blame boys.  She doesn't even show up to activities to even MEET boys, let alone stick around long enough for one to ask her out.  She does the minimum of going to church and lack of talking/participating with others, let alone boys.  
Seriously, a boy isn't going to go hunting in all the closets looking for you.  They barely find you when you stand right in front of them. 
Don't get me wrong, I do not defend the boys and their laziness of lack of dating.
But I am not commending the women who complain, blame others, and do nothing to change their circumstances and base their happiness on said circumstances!
As for the dating world in 2015, I say both genders are lame and are doing nothing to change the future of dating, marriage, and families.
A prime example is my roommate.  She may want to smack me for all the sugar and junk food I eat as she eats no sugar at all and only eats fruit and exercises, but man I want to smack her when it comes to boys....
She's a 26 yr old that wants to be married and having children like...yesterday. I'm not sure the girls actually want the boys per say, but they are necessary when having children?  I dunno.  Their priorities and motivations are all hidden it seems.
But, like most of us at this age, we have an ideal guy in mind (aka perfect, aka doesn't exist) so then we start getting really picky. Stuck in our ways.  'I won't date him cuz he's not my ideal height.'  'I won't date white guys because I'm not attracted to them as much.'  I won't date a guy who doesn't have a career, a degree, an RM, etc. etc.  the list goes on and on....  Granted, that narrows the list GREATLY.  And to be so closeminded you might just miss the love your life... But I won't get into that...
Knowing the types you are attracted to is a big part of dating, but you don't need to stick to yer ideal like glue, have an open mind.  I dated tall, short, redhead, old man, blonde, burnette, calm, divorced, temperamental rm, not rm, smoker, immature, religious, non-religious etc. 
And then, of course, she is also one that just goes to church does the minimum talking to get through the hours and goes home and never shows up until the next Sunday.  Doesn't go to any activities to get to know any of the boys.  She works at her sisters house, stays there until like 7, exercises but not even in a public place, comes home and sits in front of the TV or reads until bedtime (which is often going to bed early).   She doesn't meet anyone!  How does she expect someone to ask her out?  A boy is not going to figure out where she lives and knock on her door! 
And then, by some miracle, a boy from church did ask her out and she moans and groans cuz he doesn't fit her ideal attractiveness.  Seriously!  Boys should get a serious pat on the back just for being brave enough to ask a girl out!  Recently, all I ask for is for a boy to know how and actually flirt!  Asking out on a date is too much, but at least try and flirt!  And here she is complaining some guy asked her out.  I don't know what she wants from these boys! 
And now, since she went out with said boy and he asked her out again, suddenly she has all these stipulations about how her dates have to go in order to be satisfied.  They have to be "low key" and since she is such a tight wad, they have to be inexpensive so she knows they are like financially compatible or whatnot.  *rolls eyes*  GAH!  
It's so frustrating.  No wonder the men don't date!
If he takes her bowling she'd cut him off right there!  Cuz she's like an old lady who goes to bed early and can't do anything exciting, her excitement level is like taking a walk or getting a drink. 
I have been thinking about it a lot and I've realized my roommate is no fun.  She goes to bed early, doesn't eat sugar, doesn't do anything fun or spontaneous, it seems to have to be planned, she doesn't spend money, etc., she's like a married person with children already.  Natalie, being married and with children, is more fun and spontaneous than my roommate. 
This girl was ready to write him off her list simply because he wasn't tall enough!
Attraction is important, but c'mon, give the personality a chance!
*bangs head on desk*
I mean I'm not attracted to the skinny jeans kind of skinny boys, but I'm not going to say no if they ask me out and I'm not going to say yes begrudgingly either.  Although I don't think skinny boys would ask me out cuz I'm fat.... but whatever. 
I do not believe I fall into this pet peeve category.  I do not find happiness in pursuit of boys, marriage, and children. In fact, I am somewhat repulsed by it.  So I'm not complaining that no one is asking me out cuz I really don't care, and if I cared enough I would ask the boy I'm interested in out.  I do sometimes complain that the boys don't ask some of my friends out cuz they are great girls and no one is taking the time to figure that out and its frustrating. 
Marriage and children seem to be every girls goal in life, but its not the first thing I think of... I dont really know what I think of.  I dont even have a career goal really.  I guess I'm happy where I am.  And in time that will change and my goals will change (and/or I will have some) and maybe I'm weird because I'm not obsessed with having a husband and children.  But I think its okay to be content with you are at any given point in your life and come what may.  Don't fret about the things you can't change, like children, but don't sit back and blame others for things you can change, like dating!  
Its not rocket science.  Going to activities + doing what yer supposed to (FHE) + meeting new people (aka talking to others) might actually = date.  Sitting at home all week is not going to get you closer to meeting a guy which leads to a date. 
I'm not even obsessed with dating and I go out (in public) all the time! Almost 5 out of 7 days a week, talk to people, go to activities, learn new things, etc.  I have a better chance of dating and I'm not sure I even want it!  I have a better chance simply cuz I am more open minded... granted, you prolly shouldn't be as open minded as I am, you should have some priorities that are important to you like dating a religious person or whatnot, or non-smoker if thats important to you, etc... 
I swear if I hear one more girl stand behind those lectures saying "Yeah! Get off your butt.  I'm not getting any younger." Essentially saying "Its your fault I'm not dating/married and having children by now" I'm gonna go all ape shit crazy.  Or any more ridiculous comments, "I'm not the one procrastinating"  or "he's not tall enough"  Or "the dates have to be low key, I do low key", "they have to have this eye color", "they have to say this exact thing"  blah blah blah.
And to the boys, I know its difficult, we girls are difficult, but the things worth the most in life are difficult, so buck up and grow a pair and come deal with us difficult women!  Go make a girl fall in love with you if you have too.  Noah in 'The Notebook' did... worked out for him... Be intriguing for once in your life!
Somebody DO something!  Stop complaining! 

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Untitled (49)
It's like there is always something missing.

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[2006] Things That Matter (95)
A quick cure for pretty much anything that makes you want to bury your head in the sand, light yourself onn fire, or some other melodramatic action that no one cares about.. go down the list until you feel better.
1. Sweat. Sweat out all the negative toxins.. they're yucky.
2. Replace them with COPIOUS amounts of chocolate. This is important.
3. Sing at the top of your lungs. If your voice doesn't crack youre not doing it right
4. Dance in your underroos. Actually. Just do everything in your underroos from now on. Pants are overrated. Also, adopt the word underroos.
"Things that matter most must never be at the mercy of things that matter least"
- johann wolfgang von goethe
meh, what else..

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[2005] It (389)
doesnt matter
Hear. Say. Repeat. A lot.

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Sunset (129)
Her scent on the pillow, it drives me wild. I want to fall asleep to it, nuzzle up next to it and drift away, dreaming of rainbows and cupcakes and running through the sprinklers on a hot summer day in July but it’s gone. It’s like she was never here. The beer cans by the chair? Cleared up. The pretzels on the floor? Scooped up. I have this eerie feeling that the end is near. It’s coming. Her part in my story might be wrapping up but I still have more to write for her, storylines I want her character to go through with me, the unreliable narrator. Scenes that are supposed to play out, at midnight on the edge of the beach, in the sand writing messages to aliens, tired but pushing on to make it to sunrise. I want to make it to that sunrise but I’m afraid I’m staring at a sunset with darks times in front of me. A sunset that covers her in darkness and clouds her from my sight, I'm unable to see her and she won't remember me. We'll just be foggy memories to eachother, ships on opposite sides of the world searching for eachother but going the wrong way. I'm always going the wrong way. 

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[2002] Must Be Nice (88)
Things are weird.
Last weekend tim and i met with our tenants to renew their lease. We've been so lucky.. they are amazing tenants. Keep the place spotless, no complaints and they pay early or on time. I'm glad we decided to give them the benefit of the doubt.. one of them had something strange oj their credit report but they explained that it was wrong but still i asked a close friend of mine who rents out lots of places what she would do and she said she wouldnt risk it. But tim said he trusted them. And his intuition is usually pretty good.
The condo was udnerwater just last year.. we owed more than it was worth. And it felt like a bad investment. all the renovations felt like a waste of time and money.. but now it seems silly to have worried.. the market is doing better and its worth at least 30k more than we owe now. Not that we'd sell.. but if there was a need to we could now.  Just feels good to know it wasnt all for nothing. Blood sweat and tears sometimes does pay off.
Speaking of blood sweat and tears.. i go through waves.. idk how it is for other people who have been through similar situations but.. sometimes i am on top of the world and feel confident and strong and capable of anything and whats happened to me and my past and my pain only fuels me and drives me to push myself.. and i know it coulf be worse and i remember that when i start to feel bad.. and sometimes.. like now.. it weighs and keeps weighing me down further and further until i feel completely useless and hopeless and alone. Worthless. Pathetic. Incapable of even the simplest tasks. Trying my best to focus on skmeyhing that matters. Obsessing over things that dont. Wanting to slip into denial. Its what i do best. But I'm learning. Slowly. Denial isnt the answer. I can overcome these things. I have before. My pain doesn't define me. I've been so low and conflicted. But thats not who i am and I'm not going to force myself out of it before i am ready but i know i need to work towards moving on. From several things. Whether i want to move on from some things or not i have to. There's nothing to hold me back. This started about one thing and switched to something else so its confusing but.. its 2 very stressful and very different things I'm going through and i just need to get over both.
In related news..  i dont like looking at my lion. I dont like holding him. Idk.
I need to run. I might join that kickboxing class with my mom. She keeps asking me to go. 
So much is going on.
I've been learning french on my duolingo app. 5 day streak.. ive been doing it for a couple weeks but 5 days is the longest.  I can say stupid stuff that no sane person would ever need to say.. like the monkey eats the pasta. Or pink elephants wear hats. Hehe. All the different tenses are freaking hard though... and i guess duolingo is good with reading and hearing stuff but i still sound super weird when i say stuff. O well. Anyways its been a really good, easy distraction. Not that french is easy.. its ridiculous sometimes.. doesnt make any freaking sense.. but its easy to get lost in it.
I was working on my site last week. I guess i dropped the ball recently. I cant concentrate on anything.. had a lot on my mind.  But i recently got a bunch of it off my chest..  maybe itll help.. idk. 
Its weird.. i dont know why but when people hurt me and say sorry... i feel more bad for them having to tell me sorry than i do for myself having to be told. Its almost like i feel the need to tell them to stop and its ok.. dont be sorry... not almost.  Always. and i do that a lot.. "no its ok. Its fine". Without even thinking. But some stuff i dont think should be so easy. At all. Some stuff.. it just is. I cant explain.. but. Sorry isnt enough. And yet i still feel bad that its being offered.  I shouldnt care.
I have to go to a dentist appointment at 2. Its almost 10am. Havent slept all night and all morning. Tried. Cant. Might try again but i dont want to miss it. So i guess staying up works. I havent slept much. I dont drink enough water. Havent worked  out in a couple days. I look like crap. I feel like crap. At the same time... i actually dont feel as crappy as i would expect myself to feel considering the clusterf*ck of nonsense going on right now.
I'm hungry. 
I think its great some people find the means to get over things so quickly.  Must be nice.  
I want chocolate.
I have. So much. To do.  Its. Insane.

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Chin up. (75)
There are a few songs that I feel
have the power to put me back together.
Songs that illuminate my fears and
force me to cry out the toxins that cloud
my body. I go through waves.
Waves of complete and utter self
awareness. Waves of indifference to
my own body and the person I've become.
This ebb and flow eventually ways on me
untill one day-- its like i wake up from a slumber.
After days, weeks, months of instability
masked by laughter and smiles-- I wake  up
and hate the girl who looks back at me in the
Do I even know her anymore? Is she apart of me?
Against me?
My realization sends me into a spiral.
I have to fix everything. All at once.
Everything. But its impossible.
I crash. I burn.
But then one of these songs comes on..
it goes through everything---
my body, my mind, my soul.
And rejuvenates me and puts me back together

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Childhood Trauma Blues (87)
Child abuse has been foremost on my mind lately. Namely, how utterly fucked up I am from it.
I want to become a specialist in child abuse. Advocacy, teacher intervention, and counseling with adolescent and adult survivors.  I want to educate people on the subject. I want to write memoirs, and self-help guides, and academic works on the subject, and perhaps most of all, fiction that kids and teens can read and know that they are not alone.
I have recently learned (a little - basically the Wikipedia version) about complex ptsd. It's not like typical ptsd. It's a totally different diagnosis, stemming from chronic trauma, and can present without full-on flashbacks.
So.... Yeah. I totally have that.
I noticed the other day that I was having kind of emotional flashbacks. I often get completely emotionally overwhelmed at the thought of ding housework. Cleaning house was a huge issue for me in my childhood. I didn't pick up on it as quickly as reading or math, and my grandma didn't have any patience to teach me. But she had plenty of energy for punishment. If it wasn't perfect, if it wasn't done exactly right or exactly on time, I was in for a session of severe abuse.
Flash forward to the present day: I am an absolute perfectionist. If I cannot be absolutely certain that I can complete a task perfectly, and (this is important) without interruption, I will not begin it at all. I focus in on absurdly small details. I can spend hours cleaning the refrigerator. I use up every bit of energy in my body. By the end, I am frothing at the mouth from dehydration. And very little has gotten done. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. I can only do this once a month or so.
It is impossible for me to keep up with the messiness of everyday life.
My social skills, too, have suffered. I confuse deference with politeness. I wait and wait and wait on people. I don't express opinions unless someone has already expressed that opinion to a favorable response. I appear to be a follower or a parrot.
I am so afraid that people will reject me, that I lead them to do so. It is also exhausting. I have lost so many friends. It hurts to make more as I try to improve my social skills. It hurts because I know there is a chance that I will lose the next batch, too. It greatly discourages progress and practice.
That's another thing. I don't like doing anything I am not already good at. I have never been exposed to patient, encouraging tutelage. I don't even know how to take encouragement.


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Prediction (83)
No one at all shows up to my birthday party, I look like an asshole taking up a whole 8-person booth for six hours with dwindling, bittering, stubbornly undying hope that someone, anyone out there actually wants to spend time with me.

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A funny thing (62)
The closest I came to telling anyone about being molested was with my other two molestors.

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step back. (87)
I was much more a badass then. Back when very little mattered to me.
Now im hunkered down with baggage. Love. Selflessness. God. Morals. Honesty. All of those nasty little bugs that sneak in. Settle in.
How  disturbing. Maybe i was before off with a heart of stone.

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1305 - quotes (87)
I went looking for an "Always Kiss the Cook" vinyl decal for my kitchen and found some more vinyl decals with quotes that remind of some of my family if I could give each of them one... 
I've wanted the "Always Kiss the Cook" pritti much since the WY summer of 2006 when I would go get breakfast the "mess hall" and whats-his-face the cook man would never hand me a plate of breakfast until I gave him a kiss on the cheek.  It made me laugh.  As long as it wasn't the old man creepy cook. 
They have John Lennon lyrics, Winnie the Pooh, Harry Potter, Where the Wild Things Are, and of course Dr. Suess. 
And they have a The Notebook quote on vinyl too!  Haha!  That's for me.
"So it's not going to be easy,
Its going to be really hard.
We are going to have to work at this every day.
But I want to do that because I want you 
I want all of you, forever!" 
"I want you
I want all of you, forever, every day
You and me, every day."
"Although she be but little, she be FIERCE"  -Shakespeare
"Don't try to hard to fit in. 
You were born to stand out."  
"I have found the one my soul loves"  - Songs of Solomon
"Life is like a camera , 
focus on whats important,
capture the good times,
develop from negatives
and if things dont work out
take another shot " 
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." 
"We may not have it all together, but together we have it all." 
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"I was born to be stubborn
to be a little bit bitchy
to push people, to push myself
I was taught never to take life for granted
to live a little, to love with everything I had
to never give up, to believe in myself
but most of all, to fight for myself."  
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its learning to dance in the rain."
"Faith is not believing that God can, it is knowing He will." 
"For God so loved the world He gave His One and Only Son." - John 3: 16
"God bless the broken road, that led me straight to you" -Rascall Flatts
"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."  -Marilyn Monroe
"Hakuna Matata - it means no worries" - The Lion King
"We are all a little weird
life's a little weird, and when we find someone
whose weirdness is compatible with ours,
we join up with them
we fall in mutual weirdness and call it love!" 
-Dr. Seuss

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being heard. (64)
i yelled and i was heard; i was so unaware. i blinded myself, so focused on the chemistry in my body that made my right hand numb.
sleep, that's what i would like.
they were right, i've been moving through life on emotional loans. self-medicating the symptoms, somewhat aware of the complexity of the underlying issues. i've sheltered myself in a quilt of denial, it's been so cold. 
where do i go from here?
this is the first time i do something for myself in months? 
my cells die and i still move. the thought of that gives me goose bumps. why am i stil here?
what am i working towards? i've lost sight of what's important. i feel sick. 
i close my eyes and my body wants to collapse but the caffeine in my system won't allow it. i blame the caffeine but i know it's a combination of anxiety and hunger.
i want to search for a little corner and rest. my little corner. can i sleep? this doesn't feel real.
i'm so cold.
what do i do. a question that's more of a statment.
a wooden bat.
what have i done.

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[1997] Coincidental (322)

Lol in case anyone is wondering... that's my spot on impression of kevin sorbo and his brilliant acting skills in this Hercules outtake...


Haha. Ok. No. Serious time though. Things have been meh. Meh to the max. Times a floppity gillion and rolled in severed body parts. But lately, unlike before europe, I've been surprisingly up beat and positive. Idk. Lol i have no reason to be. Uhg. I don't know.. maybe because i realize for the first time in a long while that i am not quite so old as I force myself to believe.. and maybe this is still just the beginning of good things. Maybe. No.. probably.
But yeah yesterday was weird. Not weird weeeird. More like a rollercoaster of emotional turmoil. But I am figuring things out, contrary to what many people might think... slowly but surely. I've always been a bit on the impulsive side.. trying to be different. Trying. Slow and steady wins the race? That doesn't apply here does it? 

Its cold. I had a dentist appointment today. The first one in like 6 or 7 years. Gross i know.  Not because i couldn't afford it or something.. honestly for the first few years i just didn't even think about it.. and then once i did i kept putting it off.. and then forgetting about it. Since being back I've felt so much more proactive in every area.. i guess this was no exception. The lady that took my x-rays looked at me and said "in over 6 years?.. but.. honey how old are you??" .. I've been getting so used to this reaction lately.. i dont see it as an imposition anymore but a genuine curiosity for most people who meet me and there is an implication that I'm not a teenager. i really personally dont think i look as young as they say.. maybe 25. But most people still think I'm way younger.. i thought they were all just being nice but it happened even more in europe. It happens any time i meet anyone really. 90% of the time it happens every time. Heh. Anyways then the dentist came and did the exact same thing and her and the xray tech both speculated on it for a minute. Its always uncomfortable but again.. starting to gwt used to it. I mean. Its a good thing. I enjoy it now but it is still super awkward. She was really impressed that my mouth was in good condition considering how long it had been. And no cavities c: its especially flattering when a dentist asks if you've had braces before and you haven't. So yeah.. i don't know why people hate the dentist.. totally made my day today. And i needed a little pick me up considering all the crap I've been worrying about.

That reminded me of this scene from mean girls..
"Alyssa, I'm sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. Its not your fault you're so gap-toothed" Hee
Now I'm eating at Mighty Mouth ;p
So there's a SOLAR-POWERED backpack! >_< If i backpack again there's no way I'm not getting one. About 1/5 the cost of something like an external battery pack. But about 10 times better. Would have helped all those times.. yes all.. that i forgot to charge my phone and regretted iy immensely. 

I'll finish this later..
Actually the rest is probably best for a private entry. Thought i had more fluff but I guess its less fluffy than I thought...
Also... I hav so much to do. And and also... my back hurts.

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[1996] Apparently (344)
Sooo sleeping is overrated.
Apparently my body just doesnt get the concept... that its good. that i neeeeed it.
I actually slept in late yesterday.. after being up all night.. like tonight. It seems I must be utterly exhausted before my body will accept the notion of sleep. Idk why it always wants to reset itself to this crazy schedule that works for no one.
I was worried about asking and then when I finally decided to I learned that my uncle and aunt were on vacation so I havent been able to make plans. And its been.. so.. hard. and awkward and then normal.. which feels even worse sometimes because things are anything but normal. things are so incrediby far from normal right now. Weeks ago going to my moms wasnt an option. But things change. And i finally askd her and she said ok. I was supposed to go Monday but well tim was working on the car and something happened and he needs to order a part. which he did should be here soon. But I cant drive it until then and he needs the other car to go to work sooooooooo.. yeah. Also the washer wasnt working and someone is going to come look at it so i said i would be here when they do.
Soo basically I know nothing about everything. I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled in so many conflicting directions. And the biggest dilema isnt even the only one. Even without it I'm ridiculously overwhelmed. One thing is that I dont know if i should go back to school or not. Or how I would if I wanted to. I mean that really depends on a lot of stuff.. like the outcome of the big dilema. and job stuff....
This new site idea just seems stupid sometimes. Sometimes not but most of the time... it just seems like a waste of time. and wonder if i should do what i always do and give up on it before giving it a chance and just applying at some stupid computery job doing stupid crap to make money for someone else and work crap hours andbe miserable like everyone else.  everyone keeps saying that "everyone hates their job".... with this undertone of judgement ringing through.. like I am immature and stupid because I dnt want to settle into a life i hate just because "everyone else" does it. Which isnt even true at all. I used to want to be an actress (which honestly just sounds stupid now). I really seriously wanted to but had no experience.. but i was too afraid and insecure. Sometimes I want to take classes or get a coach and try again bu again it all depends on other things. But trying and failing at that seems more inticing than succeeding at most other things. Besides acting.. i like music. but i suck at guitar. i still suck at drums. and it all just seems like a waste of time when i think of pursuing it s anything other than a hobby. the computer science crap all used to make sense. but now.. idk. i realize if i get into that again I'll just be asking for one of those 9-5 jobs and office politics and bs water cooler chit chat with some person who doesnt give a real crap what i have to say.. just tryng to get an angle to stab me in the back or gossip about me. Its what always seems to happen.
I just want to make a difference somehow. I realize now as I get older.. and older.. and older.. that that's asking a lot. So many people.. some people are just going to live ordinary lives... it takes a lot to actually do something with meaning or impact peoples lives in a positive way. One reason i wanted to be an actress was yeah it would be fun getting to play diffrent roles and personalities and pretty much "dress up" who doesnt love that... but also because of the influence they have.. some use it for evil (and by evil i mostly mean stupidity) but some are actually good people and try to give back and make the world better. I had so many ideas last year. One ws for a nonprofit organization. But nothing comes from it because I didnt believe in it enough. I feel more capable to do certain things now but still. its overwhelming. If i had a nickel for evry idea i had that didnt amount to anything.. I'd be rich.
Did you know you need a bachelors degree to join the peace corps...
Which brings me back to schoool. Its so expensive. Being in Europe I met so many people with masters degrees. Not just because its important in their culture but its also super cheap and in some cases pretty much free. I've always felt I'm stupider than I should be... and if that doest make sense... that's exactly my point. Wasted potential. Because of money. Even with financial aid. And then no financial aid because i was married and we made JUST enough to not qualify but hardly enough to afford a full schedule per semester. So I took a class here and there. But I was dumb and did computer classes because I was working and it made more sense.. at the time.. to learn more in my field. It should be a requirement to finish general ed classes before any others because at least then you have those out of the way and are half way to your degree even if you change your mind andd switch fields. I did it alll wrong. I read that frrance and germany are really cheap even for foriegners. Under $400 for an entire year cheap. Usually its more than that per semester... at a community college.
I was complaining about this the other day to tim.. and ended by saying i was really consdering going to school in europe for this reason. a few days later he told me that stanford or some big name school announced that they're going to be offering free courses too and if they do maybe i could go there or maybe other schools will follow their lead. I said thats awesome. But, not to be negative, I could never get into a school like that. Also.. it'll probably be years. So. unfortunately, it cant really benefit me now.
I just want to travel again. More. 2 months sounds like a lot but it was so short. it was nothing. i would have liked to slow down. Seen more cities in 1 country. Venture away from the center more. I'm so glad I went to cinque terre. I really feel like that was the most beautiful, authentic place I went.
I dont think I even wrote much about the rest of my travels after Prague. Vienna, Austria.... overrated. Budapest... nice. fun. I liked it. Venice was pretty cool. a little dirty... people seriously need to pick up after their dogs or teach them to go in appropriate places... but yeah it was unique. Florence was fun but thats around the time my cold was turning into bronccitis. Met cool people. It was pretty. Statue of David was so amazing. My Rom experience was terrible. I saw the colusseum and that was awesome but thats pretty much all I saw. Barcelona was.. great. I arrived sick but I got better by the end. I had a really good time there.. Even though I also didnt see much but supermarkets and cafes. London was expensive.. I had a good time thought because I stayed at a category 7 hyatt hotel.. andaz on liverpool. Didnt pay for it.. i earned 2 free nights by signing up for the credit card and spending like $1000 in 3 months. Just used it for rent one time. And it was cool because they had free sacks and drinks an the bed was really comfortable. My biggest travel regret by far.. not going to frane. What is wrong with me? I'm not exactly sure. I guess I just wasnt in the right state of mind after being sick so long and feeling tired and just wanting to rest... like really rest. be alone. no obligations. but if i could change things i think i would have definitely stayed longer.. i think i would have gone to geneva and stayed iwth a friend and then tried to woolf in france. or something. or jut straight to ffrance. i ended up spending a lot more than i wanted in order to come home early.. if i just used it to go there first and fly out of denmark or sweden or norway.. would have probably been cheaper. I dont know why i didnt think of it.. i mean i flew into denmark for less than $300.
Anyways. ANd now I'm back. Its been almost a month now its weird. Time keeps snowballing.
I've been purging stuff in the garage. Getting rid of anything and everything we dont need or use. Its hard... how do people collect so much stuff? And really.. we dont have a lot of suff compared to most people. Espcially since i did this same thing last year and when we moved.. but still... so much stuff.
I guess I'll sleep. This was long and pointless. And really negative but o well. I'm sad.
i never learn.

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