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Recent Posts

[110] In My Corner (15)
Things have been pretty okay.
The new puppy has been keeping me exhausted. Like she needs so much attention, which is good, but like I can definitely tell that this is my first dog. Training her is so hard. It's hard not to get frustrated.
I started my new schedule at my job. I have the potential to bring almost 1.5k home a month doing part time work, not even every day/ not even insane hours. As mean as it sounds, I'm really glad they let the other girl go because she wasn't pulling her weight and her loss is my gain.
So I have to go to work Tuesday, Weds, Thursday, Friday. Not that bad. Maybe just Tuesday, Weds, Friday. It depends on their need. But like...you can't beat the pay/hours.
Lastly I've been streaming a lot more and talking to my friends a lot more. I'm having some people come over this weekend. Should be pretty fun. ^.^

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In My Sons Eyes--I am King. (15)
Since this world is oh so crazy as of late and always...This morning I'd like to make some remarks about fortune. How lucky is it that we don't have to be stuck to anything. You can be gay, you can be straight, you can be asexual, you can be black, you can be white, you can be a christian and you can be a muslim even a non-believer. And if anyone says any different; they are a fuckin lethargic loser. The forces for good and change against those of darker origins;fascistic. This is the day. And I'm happy. I'm happy that I can be successful, write, and create things without pressures of being famous or infamous. That when I left my home town and changed, I no longer had to worry about running into the creeps that really wanted to hold me down. Ex lovers, so called best friends and flat leaving family. I finally release you all from my dainty consciousness. Now, unfettered; Im ready to live according to my will. 

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[109] Corner of My Mind (8)
I haven't blogged in a while and I know that I went against my proclaimation a few months ago to blog every day...but in my defense a shit ton has happened and I haven't had the time!
So there was a huge blizzard last weekend which as a result our roommate was forced to stay with us which I'm getting pissed at because we spent OUR hard-earned money on food and he's been eating it. The fucker even drank an entire bottle of MY juice. Like I don't have very many things sacred to me. But my JUICE is one of them.
And then on Tuesday I got myself a puppy! :D :D :D : D :D squeee. Her name is Ruby and she's half lab, half German Shep. She's so adorable and I love her to pieces. I'd love her even more if she knew how to use the bathroom outside like a normal dog. Training isn't going to be easy -_-
The concert I was going to was also cancelled so as a result it's being rescheduled for a later date. I told the band that I want to help them out in any way possible because they're like my favorite male band of all time. They seem very grateful.
otherwise I've been well just uber exhausted because of all the projects I've been working on. Here's hoping they bear fruit. 

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1333 (28)
Come Feb 16, Valentines Day area, I would have my new car for a year.
Literally the most money I've ever written a check out for/spent in my entire life.
Not even the loan for my house did I put down that much money for... 
And my house decision was long and stressful and royally freaked me out.  It's my first loan EVER and its a big one. 
So I wondered why it was so much easier buying a car, spending so much more money - these things stress me out to no end and take forever.  Yet, it only took three days from falling in love with said car on Valentines Day and then buying it two days later.  Just like that.
And then I realized making a HUGE financial decision was infinetely easier than deciding when to put down my dog. 
I was running from the inevitable.  That was a very expensive distraction. 
I hope I can handle an animal situation a little better next time... 
It wasn't a purely emotional purchase.  There was logic to it.  But still. 
Maddy says I can have her Grandpas cat.  Calico, longer hair, 6 years old, female. 
An odd offer considering she lives in my house and claims to be allergic to cats, hence, me not having a cat already. 
We'll see what happens with that.... 
But it seems weird to replace my dog with a cat when he hated/scared of cats, and it hasn't even been a year yet.  But God said it was okay. 
We'll see...

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goonies (38)
pepsi shirt. i said pepsi person. why.
are these just signs or do we all see things that bring us down a bit.
i stole that shirt from a man i randomly met first moving here and you still wear it.
do you not feel the shirt ... the feeling maybe .
did i become the weak or the strong or the love
or all three.
i think i am just confused with why my feelings are still soo feeling.
alone is alright. alone is never alone its almost like i play my family out in my mind
thats the reason why i dont need to call or say anything.
i play what it is what i like when i want.
crazy. maybe. happy
parts. and moments and hours and sometimes days.
can i keep finding better cover ups .
being around is awesome... missing the ones they call family is a shitty feeling.
rather say this.
im all good.
im a cousin a niece a daughter a friend a love a crush an aqquaintance an encounter.
im a soul im a space im a void im a body im a spirit
i am a believer .

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[108] Every Part (22)
Today was a big ball of annoying.
Anthony went to school and I did my thing. Unfortunately when he was on the way home from school he got pulled over by a douchebag cop for a stupid reason and got a 54 dollar ticket. In addition, someone on Amazon who bought something from our online store had an issue with the item and decided they wanted their money back when we clearly labelled it! So that's 105 dollars we're out. Lovely.
Our roommate is finally leaving this Friday...weather permitting. Speaking of weather, the concert I was going to was canceled because of the weather so now I'm terrified our roommate won't be able to leave and be forced to stay with us for another week or two. I sincerely hope not.
Plus I'm hella stressed because I'm taking too long on these book edits and the deadline is looming so close.
-_- life stop being frustrating. 

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[107] For More (14)
Ugh today was stressful.
So I had to wake up early to go to a meeting with someone my mother works with to see if I could finish my education. Because of bullying and bullshit I never actually got my HS diploma and I kind of need that to attend college...which I want to do so yeah need that done.
The lady found that I do have some credits (40ish?) so she's going to see what she can do for me. I'm hopeful.
We got home and got some lunch and watched the Fosters. Anthony went to work and then I just chilled online with friends.
Later Anthony came home and I made dinner (Mongolian Beef with Rice) and we watched the Fosters again. Midway I stopped and talked to some friends again because of drama going on.
The rest of the night I'm going to chill and just talk to Scott + Anthony and that should be really good ^.^ 

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1331 (31)
Not necessarily New Years Resolutions, but goals I would like to improve on this year:
I'll use the same eloquence as my Resa did back in 2011.  (I'll add to this as I think of them...)
-"floss, bitch, floss"
-just wear the damn seatbelt!
-$25 in an account every month

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1330 (17)
My goal this holiday 3-day weekend was to:
a)  take down the Christmas tree
b)  fix the toilet 
c) try a new recipe (to get rid of the shrimp)
The first was successful on Saturday.  It has been up for over a year now.  I suppose it's about time.  It was some weird way of mourning for my dog because it was still there when he passed.  And it felt weird and wrong to put it away. I'm not sure why he hated (aka was scared of) that tree. 
I managed to replace the valve that controls turning on and off the water to the toilet.  This was not without major frustration.  Oh, the joys of home ownership.  I had to ask the neighbor a) for his wrench and b) for his muscles in collusion with said wrench in order to get the stupid bolt off that connected the valve in order replace said valve.  And then I went to the hardware store and was looking at the valves trying to find mine when an older man in the orange apron came along to help me.  He's one of those close talkers taking each piece and telling me what goes where and how.  He even reached the shortest hose I needed that was hanging up and he wasn't that much taller than me. Cute.  A little ray of sunshine and an angel to help me in the middle of my frustration of the tiolet saga.  But then I couldn't tighten the before mentioned bolt now that I had everything else replaced and ready to go.  Hey neighbor, I'll give you your wrench back if you come tighten this bolt you took the time to untighten a few minutes ago... 
Thank you neighbor for hugging my toilet and using your muscles and tools.
Having control over the water to your separate toilets is somewhat of a God-sent that you don't realize until you can't control it and have to turn off the water to the entire house until you can control it.  New found gratitute for water. And strong neighbors. 
But that's only part one of the toilet saga.  Now I must fix the seal in the toilet tank so the tank doesn't keep leaking and actually holds water in order to flush.  And of course that means taking the whole tank off the toilet.  Another day, my friend, another day. 
I had only a few hours to fix the valve before me and my roommate needed water and my hosting of Natalies bday party at my house which would be wonderful if I had water for my guests. 
Sunday I took a break from it all.  Saturday went by fast and frustrating.  Need new energy.
Monday came with renewed, more relaxed energy, mainly regarding the tiolet issue.  This time I had no time limit and I still had water for the house and it is wonderful to have two toilets so as one could work while I attempt to fix the other. 
Got the tank off but could not, for the life of me, get the -plastic- nut off the tank in order to take out the assembly inside and replace it.  So I went to plan B, changing the one seal I could get out of the tank and hoped that was the faulty seal that needed replacing.  So off to the store to find a flimsy seal and of course, it can't be that easy now can it?  I decide to buy the whole assembly while I'm there, to save a trip ya know, and the seal, just in case.  And of course I end up getting the wrong size of seal so I have to go back to the store anyway!  But the fact I can't undo the current assembly there is no point of attempting to replace it. ARGH.  I refuse to go back to the store.
It is so frustrating to -know- what needs to be done but can't do it merely because of physical limitations. And I apparently hate asking for help.  I just like to complain instead. :D   It hurts my ego to know I can't do it and have to ask a guy to help. 
It's not like I don't know what I'm doing or what needs to be done, I'm not really lacking knowledge!  If anything its the simple process of elimination.  It doesn't take a genius or a plumber. Maybe I'm lacking the right tools or the muscle but still....  
My roommate keeps telling me to call a plumber.  A normal girls way out.  Well, I'm not going to be one of those girls!  I can do this.  If nothing else Claine has faith in me. Its MY house and I will find a way to fix it. And I'm not calling a plumber just to untwist a stupid piece of plastic!  This is ridiculous.  I would take a hammer to the plastic, but its too close to the porcelain and I'm not that skilled with a hammer esp when angry. 
So I took a break and decided on a new project.  I decided to try a new recipe in my crock pot.  Shrimp galore. I'm tired of shrimp by day three.  I had shrimp meals Saturday (Olive Garden for Natalies bday), Monday (new recipe), and Tues (when I took it to work for lunch).  
I just wanted a project I wouldn't fail at.  I wanted to be successful in at least one thing that day. The toilet may have won that battle, but I will win the war!
Tuesday comes along and again more renewed energy.  Went to the gym, made it back to the hardware store, got my money back and got the right size of seal ("universal 3inch" - my butt!) and came home and wrestled with the tank again.  Still didn't get anywhere. Since I bought the whole assembly I might as well just replace everything, mwhaha, but that doesn't work when you can't take out the current assembly!  The toilet won again and I took a shower. 
People look at single adults and think how easy their life is.  "They dont have to make hard choices.  They have all the time and money in the world.  They can do whatever they want whenever they want."  blah blah...
And maybe my life is 'easier' considering my only stresses and decisions in life are how to fix my toilet, whether or not I should replace my dead dog with a cat now not even a year later, or if I should go to the temple, or take an institute class, or attempt to ask that boy out or whatever... but they are still hard, and real, to us and we have to make those decisions alone.  If you are married, the hope is at least, that you have someone to help make decisions with you. I could express my concerns and complaints to others but lets face it, because its not their problem they don't have too much meaningful info or advice for you.  These are decisions they've already made or are not that hard for them as it is for you. They just don't understand. 
But I'm not entirely alone in my decisions.  I still have God to help me. I think He understands me. 

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[106] Might Sound Absurd (13)
So we woke up early and today was "Mike" day where we basically spend all day together since Anthony had no work today. It was pretty awesome. ^.^
We went out and bought tickets to see one of my favorite local bands who are performing at a local venue. It's going to be really really chill. I'm super excited it's my first (real) concert.
After that we got Taco Bell and watched more of The Fosters. It was the season finale, Anthony had never watched the show so we're doing a run through and he's enjoying it immensely.
The rest of the night I'm taking easy and just watching some streams. 

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[105] Let Yourself (23)
Today was pretty good.
I woke up late and found out that my sister-in-law was coming over so I was pretty excited about that. I took a shower and before I knew it she was over.
Anthony and her went out to bring home dinner and it was Chipotle! We watched Degrassi and ate and just had lots of fun.
After dinner we may or may not have smoked - and then had really deep conversation while eating ice cream and snickerdoodles. :D
One of my friends got doxxed and his girlfriend, too, so that was kind of sad. He's a decent guy who people give a lot of crap to so it was kind of sad to see him stop streaming because of it. I haven't heard from him so I hope he's okay.
Now we're just chilling and I'm waiting for a pie to get done while watching Andy stream. :D 

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[104] True Hero (17)
I'm so glad I was able to go an entire day without feeling like crap.
I'm still in recovery mode but I feel much better. <3

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[103] I Don't Mind (15)
Today was both productive and unproductive.
It was unproductive because I'm still sick so unable to do much of anything except lounge around and hope that I don't literally cough up a lung.
It was productive because I've still been active on Social Media and working on my side projects for when I do get better. Somehow I need to finish editing my novel and have it done by the 20th as well as organize my schedule for streaming in the future.
Why is time a thing?
I know what games I'm going to play next week...so that's something, right? :D 

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[102] What I Never Did (19)
Still not better. Still struggling to do normal things like...breathe or go two seconds without coughing/clearing my throat...yay.
I've spent most of the day just watching my friends play video games online. I actually can't wait until I can start writing again. I'm bored and tired of being useless -_-

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[101] Won't Call Back (15)
I'm getting better but it's taking a bit of time - I just wish these demons would leave my body.
I think one of the saddest things in the world is when you have to lie to yourself to protect yourself. I know it sounds weird but that's what I'm going to do with this entry. Something sad happened today and I don't really want to write about it and hopefully when my future self reads this - it'll have been forgotten.
Anyway I spent most of the day just chilling with Anthony and watching TV Shows trying to get better.
Let's hope I am good by tomorrow. 

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[100] Let's Do It (19)
Okay so I'm supposed to do a huge update of updating right now and explain how my week went. I'm going to do an abridged version because I'm still suffering from con crud and I feel like every detail isn't relevant.
We all woke up extra early and showered/got ready. And we were on the road. Unfortunately it took us a bit of time to actually get there since I remembered I left something at home (which I could not find) and there were two traffic delays on route...so a trip that was supposed to take 4 hours took a bit over 6.
We got to the hotel at night and immediately were greated by Michael and Linus - I was very excited to see Michael because it's been a while (6 months) since I'd seen him and Linus...well, as by other entries our relationship has been rocky and this event is his proving ground to me to prove he's actually changed and was genuine.
Anyway we immediately bumped into someone we didn't want to see (Scotty's ex) and there was a bit of drama with him because we didn't want him around.
We went into Michael/Linus's room to just chill, drink, and mellow out.
We went with a bunch of friends to Chipotle to eat and then I took Linus to Dairy Queen for his first milkshake in America.
During the night Linus invited a girl into the room (a girl who has caused problems with him before) and he was all over her and they were drinking together so it obviously pissed myself and Michael (to a lesser extent) off as well because it was showing that Linus wasn't really serious/genuine about his convictions.
The first official day of the event. We all went out to a chinese restaurant and it was interesting because we argued with Linus about tipping (he thought it was stupid since his country doesn't do that) and the whole table basically shut him down. After we ate we went to starbucks and Linus basically told me he wasn't going to deal with the girl anymore because she's toxic and he feels like he can't be himself around her and he knows it's not what he wants/needs (because he's GAY though he didn't say that) and then he basically consented he was acting like an asshole.
So I let that go. Afterwards we hung out and did randon stuff.
Nothing else of note I can remember.
This day was interesting because we all chilled and basically got drunk again and watched the event live in our room. We had a huge party which unfortunately security came to tell us to quiet down -_-
I spent a majority of the time getting close to a new friend, Christopher, so that was nice. And also trying to hook him up with my best friend. That was interesting.
We had to deal with some BS from Scott's ex - he was listening at our DOOR and harassing one of our friends who was rooming with him all because we didn't want to talk to him. Like jesus christ. If he does anything else we're going to report him to the event staff. 
At the end of the night we watched my friend Eric's part in the con so that was pretty amazing.
Unfortunately, some more drama bs went down. Linus got drunk and was acting like an asshole. He made out with that girl who "he wanted nothing to do with" and then came in the room and bragged about it. Oh, and he also saw fit to force a kiss on me and my boyfriend. Da fuck.
I woke up feeling like crap so everyone else went to breakfast without me. I stayed in the hotel and ate lunch - a cobb salad. So good.
I took the girl Linus was into to the side and explained to her what Linus did plus all of the bs he had told me over the last couple of months in an effort to spare her of the trouble. She seemed to take what I said to heart except later on she got drunk and told me that she forgave him completely...lovely
I took it easy this day but I still drank a bit.
Later I watched my other friend, Andrew's part in the con which was also pretty amazing.
Was pretty quiet though I know that Linus was going to try and talk to me eventually about what I said to the girl, but I had to. He eventually pulled me to the side and I flat out told him I was done with him and I think it would be best if we part ways. And I left. I can't deal with him anymore.
The drama with Scott's ex got to an all time high when he tweeted out our room number and said awful things so I had to complain to the staff and they told us they'd deal with him + Scott went off on him so he backed off.
My other friend, Ashley arrived at the event so that helped to destress me. 
We all went to Mcdonalds at 4 AM and it was pretty awesome :D
So I was still feeling like crap but we woke up late and all decided to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. Unfortunately for me, Linus was there and I couldn't do anything about that.
Later my friends and I were drinking and then Linus came into the room piss drunk. He asked to talk. I declined. Later on I was mixing drinks and needed to wash my hands - he jumped into the bathroom and pulled the door shut, locked it, and was crying on me - begging me to take him back and let him into my life. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I told him no - I couldn't. And he got physical, sort of, and grabbed at me and forced another kiss and it was very emotional but I pushed him away and left the bathroom. He was crying pretty bad so Michael took him away.
It was one of the most intense moments of my life and I still don't know where I found the strength to do what I did. But as I said: "Sometimes if you love someone you hold on forever, and sometimes if you love yourself you need to let them go to save yourself from drowning." And unfortunately that's what I had to do.
I'll always care about him but for now he needs to be let go.
 Pretty chill day.
 I spent most of this time chilling with friends, drinking, and trying to relax.
Last official day of the con so I spent it chilling (not drinking, surprisingly) and just enjoying time with friends. I tracked down the last couple of people I wanted to see and got them to sign my shirt. It was really awesome. We went out for chinese food and then a late wendys run. Pretty awesome.
Last day - I woke up and felt like death. I said goodbye to everyone and then made my way home. I'm sad but I know it won't be too long before I see everyone again. <3 

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[99] Fleeting Moment (17)
Hey everyone!
Sorry I haven't updated in like a week. I was on vacation and just got back today. I'm not going to go into a long update/explanation on this post because I'm tired, sick, and need rest. Damn concrud/flus.
I'm going to update tomorrow but yeah this is just my "I'm alive!" post.

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1329 (52)
"I've been a poor man and I've been a king
I've had my life and the world on a string
I've traveled many roads but I'm so far from done

I have been hopeless and I've had my faith
Some things I've lost and some things I have saved
All of these moments showed me the way that I've gone

Good to know, there's so much to live for

Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-oh
Oh-oh, what a day to feel alive
Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-oh
Oh-oh, what a day to feel alive

I've made some wrong turns, I've made some mistakes
I've broke some promises back in the day
But I've got a feeling I'm ready to leave it behind, oh
Good to know there's so much to live for

Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-oh
Oh-oh, what a day to feel alive
Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh-oh
Oh-oh, what a day to feel alive

Oh-oh, what a day to feel alive"

Read more:  Jake Reese - Day To Feel Alive Lyrics | MetroLyrics  

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this must be the place (201)
i am sitting on the exit doorstep
of my roof
smoking a cigarette
talking to you
feeling you
can you hear me, strange man?
i am speaking to you through this night
staring at the
clouds heavy
with  the reflection
grey city lights.
this night is cold and glossy
twinkling and serene
and i'm remembering
all those
other nights
speaking to you from a distance in the dark
the nights  since the beginning of my life
and now
you're a stranger no longer
i know those green eyes
and that tenderness running
its fingers 
on my thigh
the warm voice of home
the still silence
standing with you on your
back porch 
smoking cigarettes
watching the rain
the snow
and soon the sun will
shine strongly again
and the cats will come
out from hiding
they'll wander, strut in the
back alley and parking lots
and we'll be 
there together

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[98] Like A Devil (22)
Ugh too much stuff happening.
We woke up pretty early considering and most of us were hung over as hell - nothing a few drinks and pizza couldn't cure. We spent the morning watching Youtube videos.
After everyone cleared out I started baking my ass off and as of right now I'm still not done -_-
I just have to keep baking. Leaving tomorrow! 

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intentional. (24)
where am i at and what do i want?
i find myself daydreaming about running away.
when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white.
i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship.
i am neither one or the other.
i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged.
i run and play with people that i respect.
i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself.
i have a cat and a dog, they're pals.
i am light, i float.
i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed.
my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills.
i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill.
i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up.
words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear.
i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.
where am i at and what do i want?
i find myself daydreaming about running away.
when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white.
i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship.
i am neither one or the other.
i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged.
i run and play with people that i respect.
i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself.
i have a cat and a dog, they're pals.
i am light, i float.
i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed.
my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills.
i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill.
i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up.
words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear.
i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.
where am i at and what do i want?
i find myself daydreaming about running away.
when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white.
i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship.
i am neither one or the other.
i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged.
i run and play with people that i respect.
i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself.
i have a cat and a dog, they're pals.
i am light, i float.
i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed.
my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills.
i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill.
i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up.
words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear.
i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.
where am i at and what do i want?
i find myself daydreaming about running away.
when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white.
i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship.
i am neither one or the other.
i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged.
i run and play with people that i respect.
i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself.
i have a cat and a dog, they're pals.
i am light, i float.
i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed.
my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills.
i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill.
i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up.
words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear.
i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.
where am i at and what do i want?
i find myself daydreaming about running away.
when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white.
i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship.
i am neither one or the other.
i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged.
i run and play with people that i respect.
i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself.
i have a cat and a dog, they're pals.
i am light, i float.
i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed.
my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills.
i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill.
i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up.
words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear.
i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.
where am i at and what do i want?
i find myself daydreaming about running away.
when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white.
i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship.
i am neither one or the other.
i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged.
i run and play with people that i respect.
i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself.
i have a cat and a dog, they're pals.
i am light, i float.
i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed.
my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills.
i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill.
i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up.
words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear.
i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.
where am i at and what do i want?
i find myself daydreaming about running away.
when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white.
i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship.
i am neither one or the other.
i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged.
i run and play with people that i respect.
i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself.
i have a cat and a dog, they're pals.
i am light, i float.
i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed.
my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills.
i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill.
i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up.
words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear.
i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.

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[97] Misery Loves Me (23)
Happy New Years EVERYONE!
So I overslept so I couldn't bake today and have to do it tomorrow instead. I ended up going out with Anthony to get our friend Scotty from the airport. It was a crazy thing but we got him and came home.
While at the airport, the roommate and Jordan prepared the Jello Shots and cleaned the house which was great because it was less work for me.
Then the guests starting arriving and we drank and had fun.
Nothing much else happened except drinking and lots of fun and now It's 3 AM and I need to get up early tomorrow -_- night! 

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[96] Ain't Slowing Down (21)
Another day gone by.
It's been pretty awesome - we didn't sleep the day away.
We were going to bake today but decided to push it to the 1st instead...I hope we're not too hungover.
We're going to watch a couple of Drag Race Season 7 episodes before bed.
Fun :D 

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1328 (31)
I got another raise. 
Plus a Christmas bonus!  It must've been a good year for the boss.
My parents happen to be in town the day I got a raise.
So we took Gma and went out to eat. 
And they paid. 
I find that a bit silly.
But I was getting sick, I didnt feel very good at dinner.
I calculated it hourly and I think I get about $19/hour.
I hear about everyone else with their $.50 or $1.50 raises and they are all excited...
This time the boss is giving me $40 extra each paycheck, but with the government taking most of that I technically get a $28 raise, twice a month, that's $56 extra each month.  Yay! 
It's always been this way.  I get a raise it seems yearly unless its been a bad year.  He gives big raises and the goverment takes most of it... and sometimes it doesn't seem worth it and ends up giving the government a raise instead.
But for those smaller raises the government doesn't take so much and they actually get to keep the majority of their raise money.  I'm not sure I've ever had a smaller raise like that...  I think Ralph gave me like a $.50 raise once from minimum wage.  I'm not sure I'll be able to go back to getting such smaller raises. That's gonna hurt my pride if I have to start all over again from the bottom.
Well, this is the most validation or feedback I get from the boss anyway.  This is how he tells me I'm doing a good job, cuz he can't say it outloud every once in awhile apparently.  *shrugs* Works for me.  I work in a man's world and I deal with his grunts and drama and he can't say thanks so he just pays me.  I can be emotionally bought through monetary gain I suppose.  That's how it works with every other male in my life. Can't say anything to me, but I can get them to buy me stuff every once in awhile. 
Did I mention this guy treats me right? I'm probably never going to be treated this great -ever- again in my lifetime. So grateful. So I'm sticking with him and this job until he dies or retires, given his health, whichever one comes first.  I will invest my time and energy to help him not get injured either if I can help it. Boy, money is a great motivator on so many levels.  If I get married and hubby wants to move away, he'll have to wait until the boss retires. 

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1327 (22)
Went to my sisters for Christmas Eve. 
Started a crock pot recipe for dinner.
Took the boys to Star Wars while the rest took a nap.
Dinner was good and nobody had to decide or cook.
Did a Christmas Eve reading, Luke 2. 
Took a shower and watched a movie Christmas Bounty on my new computer.
Went to bed on the floor in a little girls room and by 2:30am the 3 yr old was sleeping in bed with me. 
A hand in the face here, a kick in the back there, needless to say she had the bed and pillow to herself by 6am.
Got up at a reasonable hour about 6 or 6:30am and watched them open presents.
Opened the arcade basketball thing I got them last, which was good, because that thing needed to be set up asap according to the 11 yr old.
My sister started breakfast, her infamous breakfast casserole.
She told me how to finish making it and handed me a tired baby and said she was gonna take a shower while the boys set up the basketball arcade. 
I put the baby Paul to sleep and finished making breakfast. 
Ate breakfast and packed up to go over the canyon to the parents house for more opening of presents with more nieces and nephews. 
There I opened my presents from my bro and sis-in-law that went to LA. 
A shirt - that my sis-in-law would wear
A necklace - my sis-in-law would wear
Well, maybe not in the colors she got me. Both ginormous though. 
I find it fascinating how ppl choose presents for others.  There's a whole analysis that can be gone on such a project.  I don't quite understand the ones that buy gifts -they- would like and not necessarily the person they are buying it for.  Because you like it doesn't mean someone else will.  That might be okay for someone you dont know very well.  But someone you know, and should prolly know if you like the same stuff or not, why buy them something you like?   Anyways... We all have different personalities....for a reason.  We dont all like the same things.
And she got me the one thing I managed to tell her aloud "Tangled" movie.
When you say things you want on the fly be careful what you say, cuz it might be the only thing that stuck out in someone elses mind.
Nevermind the huge list I gave them.  "We'll buy her the one thing I heard her say and then some things I think she should wear.....cuz she needs a wardrobe change...and it needs to be more like mine."
But really, I appreciate the thought and effort.  I'm surprised they got me that much honestly.
Mom or Santa, I get confused which, got me a brownie mix and pan to make oooey gooey brownies with, some pink leopard print gloves, a bungee chair, and a pink block quote "Be Still and Know that I am God."
Grandma got me a crock pot, zebra print.  Renee got me a huge scarf, red and orange, not my usual color/pick but I like it.   Not sure what's up with the animal prints, zebra, leopard, cheetah, whatev, not really my thing, but these are coming from older folks like Mom and Gma...
Min got me crock pot recipes and some freeze dried treats.
Dust stopped by with his family for a whirlwind of an hour or so, ate breakfast and left.  They opened pressies that Mins fam gave them,  Mins fam opened pressies I gave them.  And we all opened pressies from Gma and Gpa.  
I think Brax liked the Dr. Who stuff I gave him.  He wouldn't let it go most of the time there, but then again it was prolly the only pressies he had at that house (he left his other stuff at home).  Cole had opened and started playing with the Star Wars figure I had bought before I noticed he opened it.  I wondered if those action figure things were cool for 7 year olds still.  Maylee just had so much and moved on so fast I'm not sure she knew what she got.  
Mom had only a couple of hours of sleep since her work shift, but I made her stay up until 3pm.  Then Mins family went over to the in-laws, we all took a nap, and then went to dinner at Dustin's and then a nice quiet evening at home. 
Saturday, the 26th we got up and headed over the mountain to Gpas house.  There we learned just how far gone his memory is while his wife who isn't mobile and can't communicate very well is the one with the good memory, but can't communicate this very well to her husband.  Gma glared a lot at my mom.  Gma thinks she's invading. But Gma seemed to like me pretty well.  We cooked for them, after Gpa forgot he started cooking...We went to 'town' and shopped for them.  They eat like birds, if they remember to eat.  Its only a matter of time when Gpa is going to forget his wife is even there, let alone remember who she is and know he's her primary caregiver.  
I'm pritti sure my Christmas card from Gpa says its from "Uncle Ray".  Oh dear. 
Then Mom and I went after-Christmas shopping...yay clearance sales. 
The next day I went to church, took a nap, watched some TV with Dad, and then some with Mom and drove home.  I didn't spend all weekend on the couch this year simply cuz Mom didnt work all weekend. 
By Sunday night my allergies and sinus pain kicked in.  I was surprised it took that long to hurt me.  But by Monday night I was pritti sure I had a cold, not just allergeries with that valley and the inversion. 
So here I am Wednesday with a full blown cold, sitting at work, cuz thas what we do when we are sick, we come into the office to spread our joy/germs.  This sickness finally caught up with me.  I dodged it a couple weeks ago.  But it usually gets me in Dec or Jan.  Hopefully it wont be as long as normal. 
But I only have to work a half day morrow, New Years Eve, and then I disappear to my cave/room and I refuse to come out until I can breathe.  Hopefully that will be by Monday next year.  So much for any New Years plans, I can't even taste good food very well anymore with a plugged nose. 

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[95] Tinted Window (21)
So one official day with Jordan being here gone by and was amazing.
We spent most of the day just chilling and watching drag race (again) and just talking.
For dinner I went all out for a super taco night and made chipotle cheese sauce, ranch diced chicken, mexican rice, etc. It was a huge spread.
We're marathoning more drag race tonight...hopefully making it to season 7. Wish us luck! 

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[94] In The River (28)
We got home safetly from the airport after a mild hitch. We talked for a while and then went to sleep.
We woke up late because we were out so early and then we spent most of the day just chilling and marathoning old Drag Race episodes as per his wish.
Anthony talked to our roommate and expressed our concerns and if he doesn't have his shit in order by the 15th of Jan, he's done. And that's that. I can't take the stress anymore.
I still have a few things to do before our trip in a few days so that's mildly annoying but I'll get it in order.
On a side note - I hate people who send mixed signals. Like are you cool with something or aren't you. Do you have a problem or don't you. Like please make up your damn mind because it's frustrating. I wish I had the ability to read minds so I could figure it out without driving myself crazy. 

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[93] Remind Me (23)
Today's the big day!
So I have a friend coming in from out of state so I need to get things in order.
I had to go out with Anthony (when he got home from work) and we went out to give my mother/sister their christmas presents. It also happened that we met them at a restaurant and in a shocking turn of events my mother ended up paying for our dinner. O.o
I always feel guility when my mother does things for me...I dont' know how to explain it or shake that feeling but it's what happens. I guess in my mind I feel like I'm taking away from my siblings that actually do live with her. Idk...but I wish I could ignore it.
After eating dinner with my mom and sister, Anthony and I went to a few stops - FYE to get some T-shirts, Aldis to stock the house with food, and the dollar store to pick up a few last things.
We came home and unloaded everything and then Anthony took a nap because my friend's plane flight was (unfortunately) delayed and he won't be getting in until 5 AM. Da fuck. It's annoying but we'll manage.
The rest of the night I'll be cleaning the house and then going to pick him up! :D 

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[92] Broken Records (26)
Oh God, today was exhausting.
I accidentally overslept and was woken up by Ashley frantically calling me. So I had to quickly get ready and prepare two dishes to bring with me to my aunt's after-Christmas party while wrapping presents and taking a shower.
They picked me up and luckily it didn't take me too long. We got to her house and I got to see my puppy for a bit before we went to my aunt's house.
It was a nice/fun time.
After the party, my aunt cut my hair and then I went back to Ashley's house where she gave me her cooler/beer pong table to borrow for my new years party.
When Anthony arrived to pick me up we went back to my aunts house so he could get his own hair cut and then we drove home. We were pulled over by a cop who had way too much time on his hands and gave us a ticket for a stupid reason. Thankfully Anthony's dad said he'd fix it.
Anthony is starting to get fed up with our roommate too so I don't think the situation is going to last much longer. Things are going to be interesting. 

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[91] Gave To Me (41)
So another Christmas gone by.
I didn't have too bad of a day. I went with Anthony to his family up north. I usually hate going because I feel so transparent/invisible. They're old school Italian and I can tell that they're not fully comfortable with me because I'm his boyfriend and yeah...just feels awkward.
We mostly hung out with his cousins and sister anyway.
We left and immediately came home to spend some time together and do laundry. Afterwards I had some leftovers and watched Glee.
I'm probably going to spend the rest of the night watching Christmas movies and trying to write. Tomorrow is a huge day for me. 

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[90] Just One Thing (30)
So I woke up and immediately texted my mother because she wanted me to go out with her this afternoon. My sister picked me up and brought me to her house - we talked a lot on the ride about her potentially moving in with me and Anthony. I hope she does.
I got to my mom's house and she called my dad...who apparently wanted to give me something for Christmas yet he couldn't be bothered to answer his phone. Of course.
So I just spent the day with my mom.
After I got dropped back off, I freshened up and left to eat at Anthony's grandparent's home. We spent a few hours with them just talking and having fun.
We came home and watched Christmas with the Kranks.
The rest of the night we're just going to chill. Maybe get some stuff done. 

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[89] Always Crazy (30)
I actually got to sleep in today which I haven't gotten to do in a while.
I woke up and found that my favorite singer of all time released a new song today, which is the song listed in my "What Are You Listening To?" you should go listen to it...it's perfect like everything she sings.
I'm in full on lazy mode until after Christmas so I didn't do much important. My grandmother came by to give me Christmas gifts which, for once, she actually knew enough about me to get me stuff that I liked/could use. I know it's the thought that counts and I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything, but it really sucks when close family members can't be troubled to get to know you enough to give you thinks that are actually practical.
I hope to get some writing done for the rest of the night. Or do something with Anthony. 

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[88] Body Talk (28)
Today was crazy.
Woke up early and took a shower. Got annoyed because Anthony used up all the hot water so I had to take an ice cold shower. Ugh.
We went to the store to do more Christmas shopping and then had to go over my grandmother's house to give her gifts / get some stuff from her.
At home, Anthony's sister visited and then we went out to Bubbakoos and just chatted and had a lot of fun. We then came back home to just chill and watch videos on Youtube.
After she left, Ruesday began.
Later I plan to either write or play WoW with Anthony - haven't decided yet. 

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[87] Explain Your Mind (26)
So uh...I woke up way earlier than I intended (6:30) and ended up hopping in skype with friends who happened to be up early also. We talked until 11:30.
Of course I was tired so I ended up falling asleep until 3:30 and then I got up and just did my normal stuff - writing and what not until Anthony came home.
I cooked for us - thai coconut soup with crab meat and we talked about important things like potentially moving in a few months and getting rid of our roommate. I'm stressed out because of all the things they've done in addition to not having a job - STILL - 20 days after they said they would. And I'm worried about money. It's really annoying.
I'm going to sleep early again tonight and I hope I'm not woken up again super early. 

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1326 (34)
Christmas in 5 days. 
One brother went to LA with his family.
The other brother shares half his kids with their other half parents during the holidays and so we might not see them very much, as usual.
And the sister goes back and forth between the in-laws and so forth.
And then there's me.
Sitting on my parents couch, alone most of the time, for the whole 4 day weekend.
When I could be sitting on my couch at home.  Alone.  Most of the time.
I remember last year Dad and I actually spent probably a good 12 to 18 hours vegging on the couch watching movie after movie.  It was ridiculous. 
Mom usually works.  Dad doesn't usually sit very long, let alone watch movies.
Thank goodness I have to work between Christmas and New Years or I literally would never leave the couch. Or I'd just spend money trying to entertain myself.  Sadly, its easier to shop there than here, less stragetic. Every thing is in one general area there. 
But that's not really my big problem.
It's New Years.  Next weekend.  3 day weekend.
I don't want to go back to my parents house for the two weekends in a row just to be alone.
Last year I had Max with me.  I started the new year with a sick dog that I knew was going to die soon.
This year I have nothing.
I guess it all boils down to: which alone would you like to be during the holidays?
The kind of alone where you are in a room/building full of people and never felt so alone and know no one will notice if you left (usually a party with people you hardly know but you call them friends)
The alone where you have family all around who gladly invite you to their gatherings where you would sit and observe their family, feeling out of place and alone.  
The physical alone except for the one loyal pet you have that gives you some level of love and comfort that no one else can. 
Or the stark physical aloneness where you sit in the dark with drink in hand because you are too lazy to turn on the lights or even the tv. There's no point. No one cares about the lights. 
Well, preferably, like last year, I would rather have a furry friend to be my companion to start the new year as such companion is the only real form of love or comfort I can feel at such time and is usually maintained throughout the year.  But alas, one less option for me. 
"Friends" give the fake love, "Family" gives the obligatory love, and when your completely alone there is usually no love, but a pity party. 
I think it's healthy to go be with family for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but it is okay to be alone on New Years.  I trick myself into thinking I might be more productive on New Years after the lazy Christmas I had on my parents couch. I think it would be a perpetual depression if I avoided everyone -all- the time.  But last year I had a good depression for about 3-4 months knowing my dog was dying and so I avoided everyone after the holidays.  But it was after the holidays, so that's okay right?  No one notices after, right?  I hope the sadness doesn't last that long this time.
I do feel excitement to drink my bubbly and eat my dip I make every New Year, its a tradition, and watch New Year's Eve movie and prolly go to bed around 10pm as I watch New Yorks countdown and consider that to be the new year.  Besides, Max isnt here to get nervous because of the loud noises or fireworks at midnight.  He's not here to pace nervously when I cry uncontrollably this year about the fact that he's not here.
If you need further evidence this holiday season is weird for me I got my Christmas bonus last Friday and it was completely spent by Saturday evening.  I bought a laptop.  My first one.  And prolly only one.  Joining the 21st century. Completely unnecessary and frivolous, not usually my style. But Aunti Flow helped with the rush decision (rush as in took me a week to decide to spend my bonus on a laptop). It's not very often you can go into an expensive store like Best Buy and browse the aisles literally pulling things off the shelf that seem mildly useful or entertaining just to spend money. I spent way too much money this year. I bought a car, refused to spend my usual amount on Christmas because of it, and then I bought a laptop.  Yup, that makes sense.
But to help myself feel better I did contribute to a refugee family christmas for my charity donation this year. They had a silent auction wherein no one really bought anything, so I ended up with half the auction, another girl Ashley seemingly bought the other half of the auction items.  Well, I got Christmas presents for Natalies family cuz of it and the money went to a needy family.  Two in one.

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[86] Poured It Down (27)
So I woke up feeling like....25% death.
 I don't really get "hungover" more like...I get a slight sick feeling in my stomach until I eat something. So I ate a cheese sandwich and that didn't work. I chilled for a bit and then went to Wawa and bought a pork roll sandiwch - don't ask me why greasy food is the perfect cure day after drinking, it just is.
Dennis and Kate dropped me off (Ashley had to stay home to wait for K's mom to pick him up) and I immediately went back to my computer...I had to wait for Anthony to get home to say hi to him. :P
I actually might have a new plan for us for 2016 - I'm going to see what he thinks about it.
The rest of the night I'm going to be writing and finishing up edits on my novel. <3 

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[85] Shut Us Down (30)
So I woke up and immediately Ash and I started cooking breakfast - pancakes, bacon, and two cheese omlettes.
After breakfast we started getting things ready for the big day - until the kids arrived. They opened all the presents I got for them and loved every one. I was so happy - as you get older Christmas stops being so much about the presents you get and more about making others smile. And I was glad they smiled.
The day progressed and we started drinking around 4. We played Apples to Apples first and that quickly progressed to Beer Pong. My partner was my twelve year old cousin - BEFORE YOU JUDGE ME HE HAD SODA IN HIS CUPS - NO ALCOHOL! and he kicked ass. Like we demolished the other team. And they laughed at us because he was so young, motha fucka is a beer pong prodigy. Too bad there's no scholarship for that.
After Beer Pong - I don't know what happened only that I somehow managed to take like 20 shots and got very wasted. And that's never good. It was still an amazing party though aside from the wanting to throw up for the last two hours of it. 

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[84] Am I Crazy? (35)
So I didn't get much done today because of how hectic things were. 
I finished wrapping presents after waking up late and then I was informed by Ashley that she was coming to get me earlier than expected so I didn't have time to do any of the other stuff I wanted to do. 
She picked me up and we went to Kmart so I could pick up a present for Kim. We had quite an adventure... We knocked over an entire shelf of chocolates and got the box of chocolates from hell. It was great. 
When we got to her house I made perogies and we watched the Santa clause. 
Reading before bed because big event is tomorrow! 

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[83] Bored With It (34)
Okay so I was pretty po'ed. 
So I woke up and texted my boss about getting paid and I found out that I'm not to be paid until Tuesday...when I was previously told I'd be paid way before that. So that was pretty fucking frustrating. I ended up having to get money from elsewhere to use to buy Christmas gifts for Ashley/co. before the party tomorrow -_-
which, by the way, there is no longer going to be a party it's more like a small gathering which is fine in my book, it was still annoying.
I was supposed to get a call from a person about getting my diploma and I still haven't. You'd think my mother, being a teacher, would be trying her damnest to help her son get an education (it's someone she knows in the school system) but alas, that isn't the case. I hate that I can't even rely on her when I need to.
I ended up going holiday shopping with Anthony and managed to get a couple good deals. I got the kids loads of presents. I drew a blank for the adults and ended up getting them cigarettes - they're smokers...it'll save them money in the long run. It's tacky, but meh. It's the best I could do!
I made dinner (nothing fancy) - hamburgers and french fries. And Anthony + me watched Worst Year of My Life Again. We're almost done with the show and it'll be sad when it's over.
The rest of the night is dedicated to writing and maybe playing WoW. We'll see. 

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[82] Damn Your Kiss (31)
So things are getting me at critical point.
I had to rewash most of the dishes AGAIN because they weren't loaded up right so not only do I have to wash the dishes, apparently, but I have to cook, too. I don't mind Anthony not washing them because that's not his thing but I feel like the roommate should be doing it because that's what he said he'd do when he first came to live with us and he's just not so its really getting on my nerves.
Speaking of cooking - I made beef stew, white rice, and garlic biscuits for dinner today. It came out really good except the potatoes weren't fully cooked which was a shame. One day I'll be able to get things perfect, I hope.
I have a lot of work to do tomorrow - I have to completely finish the set of boxes I'm on and then I'm collecting my pay and hopefully finishing my Christmas shopping tomorrow - before the big Christmas party. And I have to make the homemade ornaments. Ugh.
Tonight I'm going to hopefully finish the next chapter of my novel and clean up. 

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[81] Up A Notch (26)
So I didn't go into work today because I wasn't needed - tomorrow though is a thing and I also have work at 4 AM so that's fun... -_-
I got a bit more writing done today and I ended up watching more of The Fosters, that's always nice.
I made dinner for the house today: spaghetti and meatballs + garlic bread. I was annoyed because I had to redo the fucking dishwasher because the dishes weren't' properly rinsed before it was ran. Which is nice to have to do every day >.> And I also cleaned up a bunch of stuff.
I hope that after Rusday is over (it's currently going on) I can get some more writing done. 

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[80] Easy to See (29)
No mood today because I really didn't feel anything specifically more than anything else.
I just spent the day writing and talking to friends.
I made dinner tonight - honey bread, homemade mac n cheese, and chicken cutlets.
I'm really starting to get annoyed with the living situation. The roommate isn't pulling their weight and its starting to really get on my nerves. Like who doesn't rinse/clean off dishes before running the dishwasher?! Of course all the dishes are dirty and need to be rewashed...ugh.
I have too much to do and not enough time to do it. I guess that's life -_- 

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[79] Rest Here (34)
So my short story sales have taken off which is great. I love getting monetary evidence that people are enjoying my storys. It further validates me as an author.
I slept in because I knew my stream was going to be intense - I ended up playing all the way through undertale and even got semi-drunk while doing so.
Finished decorating the Christmas Tree today. It looks beautiful - I'm so happy I managed to find My Little Pony Christmas ornaments. They look so cute on the tree.
I'm plotting out my next story and watching The Fosters for the rest of the night. 

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[78] Nursing Wounds (28)
So today was a thing.
I didn't get to stream today because of technical difficulties - but I did manage to finish another short story! I uploaded it and I should see if it's a seller in a few days.
I'm already planning out my next one...so that's fun. I'm also trying to finish the edits on my first novel before Christmas. We'll see if that'll go well or not.
I didn't cook dinner today because our roommate didn't do the dishes. I don't know why it's a hard concept to understand - one person cooks, the other washes/cleans. GAH. >.< I'm going to explode. Plus he put the hotdogs back into the refrigerator after eating only one and left it open...so the rest got spoiled. That's fun.
I don't know what I'm doing for the rest of the night but hopefully it's productive. Hopefully. 

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[77] Incredible Things (30)
So I finished decorating more stockings today - glitter glue is messy, runny, and just annoying.
I spent a majority of today writing and watching The Fosters which is my new show obsession. It's sooooooo good. We also managed the tree today, it'll be pumped and ready to decorate very soon, which is pretty good.
I also played party games with friends on stream. Really great time. I didn't make dinner, we all ate from a new burger place.
I'm going to close out the night with more writing and hopefully finishing this short story. Wish me luck. 

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[76] Ready to Go (29)
So I woke up sick. Like actually sick sore throat and a pouding headache. I've barely been active like I usually am...so that's nice.
I actually managed to get some things done, though, like decorating the stockings and writing. We got the tree today, also...we're waiting for it to be less stiff so we can decorate it. Heh, stiff...
I'm glad that my stream wasn't a traditional one because I was able to just play the cartoons and ignore it.
I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. I hope I feel better x.x 

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Dear Gary Fan 334 (76)
Today wraps up my first semester as a grad student. Ultimately I have learned and have gone through a lot this semester/year. There has been a whirlwind of hurt but some outstanding times that saved me. Honestly, my parents divorce hurt me and crippled me like no other. I always looked at others and wondered how they could drop out of school due to family and life things, I have learned that although I pride myself on not judging others, that I truly judged. I have never faltered in my future goals until this semester. I wanted to run away and never look back again because my world was falling apart. 
But a few factors saved me, the love and support from my family, friends, and loved ones. I started the year with a wonderful friend group that although sometimes led me astray truly loved me and supported me. Sadly, distance and being in different places in life that friend group fell away. But God was there to save me and gave me a hobby to look forward to, pool. With that hobby, I met my beautiful and amazing significant other. He has changed my views on love, marriage, and future. I think about him, and I find such peace. I think that peace comes from something deeper than myself, more like the Holy Spirit, and although the relationship is very young it outshines so much in my life. It sounds crazy, but I would leave all my goals behind to start a future with this man. But the best thing of all, is that he wouldn't let me. He wants me to achieve everything I have set out for myself in life and more. He wants to me to achieve my goals and what once I defined as my happiness. Its funny to me, because I've already found my happiness. Its the life I've been given, the family I have, him, and most of all God. 
We'll see how all of this goes, but at this point I can honestly say that I am content with the life I lead and what my future brings. 

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[75] Inside a Dream (33)
Today was so exhausting.
I woke up early and went to work - I am almost done with the first set of filing that boss lady wants me to do and I know she has more for me after so that's fun. I'm on box 116 and I have 25~ more to go. Ugh.
I came home and I had to stream - why did I think it was a good idea to do 12 days solid of streaming? Oh, because my viewers were upset that I hadn't streamed in awhile.
I'm not even cooking dinner tonight...it's Mcdonalds. I know I'm on a diet so I'll just subtract the calories from tomorrow's. And that should make it up, right? :D
The rest of the night I'm just going to take it easy. <3 

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[74] Shares My Fate (29)
So no work today - at least not the traditional kind.
I had a bad morning because I overslept and missed the ride to my job so I didn't get to go >.< and then I got into a conversation with Linus where he basically said some horrible things to me. After I was 100% sure I was done with him, he called again and retracted them...and told me he only said those things to push me away because he was scared that I'd find out what he's hiding inside of himself, which he told me. I don't know how to react to what he said or to believe him fully...but I'm going to have to reflect on it.
After that, I talked to a few other friends to get their input if I should trust him again (not telling his business, obviously) and then I talked to Jordan for a few hours. it was good.
I streamed for two hours - Hearthstone - and then I made dinner (cheesesteak and mac n cheese) and the rest of the night is dedicated to hanging with Anthony and watching ScreamQueens - the FINALE AHHHH!!! :D 

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[73] The Trigger (29)
Another exhausting day. 
I had a full shift at work and when you're lifting heavy boxes and sorting files that isn't a fun way to spend time. 
I finished came home and did my first stream of the month it went great. I did a draw my life and actually cried. I found that my life was very messed up even more than I thought just hearing myself say it aloud.
I watched an episode of drag race with the crew and then to bed early because full day tomorrow. 

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