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Spring Cleaning Apr 17, 2014

After moving hosts a while back, apparently a few things got neglected, so I took it upon myself to get stuff working again. As it turns out, it was nothing crazy, but so far I've fixed:

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Coming out letter (18)
(Trigger Warning! Severe self-harm, dysphoria, suicidality, media misrepresentation, menstruation, forced compliance to gender norms):
Dear Mom, 
I'm not a lesbian, but I am gay. My short hair is not a marker of my sexuality, but of my gender. My attraction to gay men is no coincidence, but a direct consequence of who I am. I am a transgender man. I always have been.
The discomfort I have felt around the feminine has been there, omnipresent in the back of my mind. Dressed so frequently in drag - as a female - I have spent years afraid to be myself.
The denial years.
From age 13 to 24 I held myself in a deep denial. Suffocated and suicidal, I pushed myself away from the truth. The only representation of the transmasculine to which I had been exposed was in a Discovery Channel documentary. He had taken razors to his chest, mutilating himself with scar tissue in an attempt to divest himself of the burden of breasts. While I too did not like my breasts, I did not have it in me to self-mutilate or attempt self-surgery. So I pushed it to the back of my mind, consoling myself with the thought of a someday-breast-reduction.
I concluded that due to my lack of desire for DIY surgery, I must not truly be transgender, and put it out of my mind. I pretended, in the following years, that my discomfort with my body was due to being overweight. I pretended that my desire to be included in male friendship circles was the boy-crazy antics of a teenage girl. I pretended to be comfortable talking about menstruation.
One Christmas at (aunt's) house, I had awful period cramps, and after hours of suffering confided this to her in the hopes of getting some pharmaceutical relief. She told everyone. (Her sister-in-law) came up to me and sympathized, and I wanted to die . Completely mortified, I withdrew into my thoughts. Internally, I screamed, "but you're a WOMAN! You're SUPPOSED to have periods!" And I thought to myself, "If she's a woman, then by contrast, who am I?" I pretended it was that I felt I was still a child.
In my dreams, I was always disconnected from my body - unless in those dreams I was male. In my daydreams, I pictured my future - as a rock star, a comedian, or an actor -  all male. I saw myself shirtless, singing to a crowd in a deep voice.
In choir, I tried to get Mr. (Choir Director) to let me sing tenor with the boys. I would sometimes do it on a whim if I felt I could get away with it. I wanted to be in the men's chorus. I wanted to wear a tuxedo. I didn't use the word transgender for myself, but I longed to be one of the boys. In all-state jazz choir I desperately tried to fit in with the boys. I told myself it was because we shared interests, like classic rock and raunchy humor.
Way back in elementary school, I did the same thing. I wanted to play kickball, but I never got picked. I spent my bus rides telling dirty jokes with the boys.
I only liked books with male protagonists, and usually male authors. I felt more at home in those stories than in my own skin.
Every time my hair was forcibly put into a ponytail, I hated it. For evidence, see my 4th (or 5th?) grade school picture. The previous year I had taken my hair down, so this time my grandmother shellacked it into place with great gobs of hair gel, so that none of it would move from its place. I tried to remove it, but it was too physically painful. I requested a gray background to match my mood, and gave the camera a death-glare.
In high school, I cut my hair (just the part that one might consider "bangs") to look like Chris Klein from American Pie. I wanted to be him. I wanted to be Steven Tyler and Freddie Mercury and ZZ Top.
I was always so afraid to express myself, because every expression I liked was looked down upon by my family - goth fashion, writing out my demons, dark music... So I wore the clothes that were given to me. I wore eyeliner, but only that. I took comfort in the "emo" trend, which had a number of boys wearing eyeliner during that period. 
Whenever (aunt) took me clothes shopping, she would stop at the dress section and relentlessly pick things that she thought were cute. Every time, I ended up trying on a couple, and eventually saying I liked one so we could leave the store. Then it would rot in my closet.
When I was 19, I went to a friend's wedding. As I assumed was appropriate, I tried to "dress up" nice for the occasion. I wore my homecoming dress, with full makeup. The entire time, I felt like I was in drag, inappropriately, an exhibitionist flaunting my false facade. I was complimented on my appearance and found myself at a loss for words. All I could think about was how wrong I looked, how much I was a liar and a fake and begging for attention with my looks (while my mind begged for my looks to be ignored).
I tried to make friends in college, but found that I couldn't relate to anyone. The girls all had their "girly" things, and the boys their "manly" things. And here was I, stuck in the middle. At (university), my fellow psych majors all felt somehow distant and different from me. I couldn't figure out who I was - I think that's what made me different from them.
For so many years, I had defined myself by the external. In those get-to-know-you games that ask "what's one interesting thing about you?" I would answer that my mother has a mental illness. And I was drawn to the abnormal mind - I told myself it was because my mom had one.
I had worn my disguise so long and so thoroughly that I had lost myself in it.
It wasn't until I met a collegiate trans man that the sparks of self-actualization began to coalesce. I applied for and got a job at his workplace, to see if I could learn anything from him. At this job, meetings began with everyone stating their name  and preferred personal pronouns . This was the first time since a brief mention on a late-night TV show (non-mom readers: it was The L-Word, hahaha) that I had heard anyone use gender-neutral pronouns. 
When I worked at Dairy Queen, I confirmed a customer's order to him, and he said, "Yessir! ... I mean, ma'am. Yes ma'am. Sorry." And my thoughts were, "Sir is fine! Sir is great!" It was the best moment of working at DQ I ever had.
Every time someone has called me a girl, or said, "What's up, girl?!" I have felt uncomfortable. For my whole life. 
I have felt uncomfortable for my whole life.
I can't listen to the sound of my own voice recorded. It sounds wrong. It takes constantly talking out loud to myself to keep me used to the sound of my voice, so that it doesn't startle me into a spiraling depression.
I know now what I never knew before: there are resources for me. There are ways to become who I've always wanted to be, who I've always seen myself as. It is not impossible to ever be happy. It is hard. But not impossible. 
"Can anybody hear me? I just want to be... me And when I can, I will." ~ Smashing Pumpkins, Mayonaise

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Must I Return to Work (2)
Right now Brendan is playing in his pack in play, exploring what he is able to do at this stage.  Silly baby noises and sleepy sounds are coming out there.  I really don't want to miss our mornings together but I have to go back to work in another week.  I don't want to.  I want to be selfish and stay home with him and Curly but unfortunately the bills can't be paid on just Josh's salary :(
It's going to be extremely hard to spend 9ish hours away from my little man and then not want to cuddle him the entire time I get home.  Being gone most of a morning from him Friday cost me our baby time until supper.  That was even short lived.  He was too sleepy for me to get much time with him. :(

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[1963] Forlander (4)
Its 7:30pm in california.
I'm on a plane.. about to take off.
And that's all i know.
So far...
Everyone rides a bike.
The toilets are unnecessarily wide.
The buildings are colorful.

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Hope (10)
I've run the gammet on what to expect and how I've felt this month. Every day seams to be a little different or a lot. At any rate, it's never the same and that can be a real challenge. For a while, in a all my emotional turmoil I ended the relationship with Val and fought to find a way to keep Caity. It always ended in some form of limbo and it's all very difficult to maintain my feeling of connection. Over the past week or so I have worked hard to reincorperate Val into my marriage with Caity. Monday Val paired off individually with both Caity and I. I don't feel like it added much value to my marriage and I find that troubling. I was exceptionally uncomfortable with Val and Caity and I walked in on both of them topless on the couch, Vals hair desheveled. I had a major freak out that night. I said and did things that I am very not proud of. I shoved Caity around and screamed a little. I had every right to freak out, but I wish I could have handled it better. I let Caity know that the best way to calm me down is to fuck me, and I feel really good about that. 
Yesterday Caity came home from work, took me out to dinner to spend some time with me and reconnect. It was lovely to feel that she was taking time for me. I felt important/wanted and I worked hard to be present with her. I had spent the day finding some form of purpose from life and I wanted to use what I learned to connect with her. We went home after running some errands and stripped naked on the couch. We kissed, I carressed every inch of her, and we made love as best we know how. It was marvelous to reconnect, though I felt very inconfident as she had said she wasn't sexually attracted to me a little over a week earlier. I tried my best not to bring up all the insecurities built off the previous weeks and it felt wonderful to be with my wife and be sexual and vulnerable. Her body makes Val's look like the Juan Maria Ojeda jesus repaint. I am truly married to a goddess and having her be with someone who has sexual confidence has already changed her into so much more confident and beautiful a woman.
After we lay on the couch feeling close and connected. I felt truly taken care of for the first time in a very long time (and if we are going off feeling not fact), maybe even since we were dating. We talked, and for the first time since shit hit the fan we both wanted a future together. Caity talked about seeing Val not as a permenent thing and while I don't think either of us want to push Val away, it was nice to see that we both don't think she wants to stay forever. We talked about our future in New York, and then moving somewhere by the ocean (the south of france) and Caity having twins. I'll admit that I want kids right now. I don't want to pop out babies right now, I just currently want to have children before I die. It was so nice to feel like caity could be there for me, could make me feel safe, could make me feel better. I feel bad that it all comes down to sex, but I truly feel connected. I truly feel like I have a wife I can love forever. Even if she fucks other people.
And that is what I actually want to work through. I feel, for the first time since I can remember, like we are working towards a wonderfully fulfilled future together. I read a sub-reddit today about a man who's wife had sex with a woman without him present and it made him feel very uncomfortable. 
It was nice to have a community of individuals offer advice and tell him it was okay to be uncomfortable. That there are communities to help him deal and he can choose what he wants. That he was justified in being uncomfortable and that the feelings everyone was feeling had the potential to be very dangerous to their marriage. And there was so much polyamory support and so much openness. I know that's only what I took from it, but it felt nice to have some kind of compatriot. To have a post that was all about hope and not just feelings and the psychology of how it is likely going to end.
I still have fears that Caity isn't sexually attracted to me. It's all consuming sometimes. But I have so much hope. I hope for a forever with Caity where we both can feel fulfilled and live the virtuous aristotalian life that vivifies the pinacle of human living. I hope for a sexual compatibilty and fulfillment with the only woman I ever hope to be married to. I hope for an amazing carreer where my artistic voice is heard loudly and my wife is supportive and radiant and part of all my gallery exhibitions somehow. I hope for peace, joy, happiness and love, and for an adventurous, bohemian life that is truly satisfying. And I hope for france and for twin girls that I can raise to eat with a fork and knife, and swear sillily in french, and love whoever they love.

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Untitled (19)
She says I have, "Major shapin up to do." More at ten. Is it me? Or has the world gone a little awry again? I'm not saying that there is some objective way the world ought to be. But the mood has changed has it not? The air no longer scented. And as we grew older, and thus immobile. I wish for reaction. I wish for songs. I wish for anything but this sense of Promise. As if there is an inherent meaning to be found. An end to desiring desire. She asks for such. [And I] can't take all of that. Can anyone? And before you try and flip the script on me. What Im talking about is...

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Did I lose myself in you. R. (17)
God, I would have moved mountains for you.
You gave me this false hope.
You fed me this illusion and then left me empty.
You took everything and left me with nothing.
I lost myself in you.
I truly understand now why people go
back to shitty people now.
FUCK. You were my drug.
Being next to you was intoxicating and draining at the same time.
I left our encounters depressed and I still kept calling.
My heart still skipped a beat when I saw your name.
I didnt know the damage you did untill i felt
my drunken shame that time when I had reached out to you
knowing full well you were with her.
The most sobering thought in my 24 years of life
is to realize how ugly this kind of infatuation and love
can make a person.
You brought me to the worst parts of myself.
If only i'd known sooner..

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Untitled (40)
it ended. he ended it. i feel. fuck. i don't want to feel this.

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comfortably numb (19)
is there anyone home?
i don't know.
what's on my mind?
work has literally wrecked my body; my soul had a hit the other day as well.
what has my usage, or no that's not the question. numb. numb. dumb. dizzy.
i feel dizzy. i feel weak. my body is not well. i want to change that. i want to get back into running. today i ran a mile and it was shit cold outside. i had a massive headache after. i felt my shoulders stiffen up and my right ankle was bothering me but once i looked up i felt that the view was mine and mine alone. it felt so good to claim that view as mine. i was alone and it felt so right.
i went to visit my aunt today; she's not doing so well. she had surgery in the morning and is recovering. tomorrow i'm going to take her some mexican bread and maybe some couscous? i told my uncle that the slice of cake he sent me was delicious, he was very appreciative.
i feel so far away from them.
earlier i had dinner with my mom and my dad, i haven't had dinner with them in months... about five months, possibly more. we live in the same house.
i miss my family but i know once i get close bad things, i can't explain it, i get so anxious. i don't like being close to people, too much risk.
i've hit another fork in the road.
the irony hahaha.
baabe oooh. baaaabe, i'm gonna leave you. oooh baaaaaaby. you know, i really got to leave youuuu.
this song. fuck. these damn songs.
i feel. i am. that's me, that's me at my most meeee-est. i don't care to get high or drunk. i don't want to forget, i can't forget. i don't want to numb the pain, i want to know what's going on. i want to know what's going on, what's causing it and what can i do to change it.
but now, i got to go awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
love is not enough.
i want to learn, to read, to listen. i want a chance to interpret, the space to share.
this is what i'm looking for in a relationship; someone that can grow with me. i feel like i'm growing, i'm growing far away from him. i feel like he's resentful.
that really upsets me.
actually, it doesn't upset me, i'm thinking of rage. it pisses me off. i don't want to be stunted, stepped on, censored, hushed by anyone.
what pisses the fuck out of me are empty threats. that just, those aren't buttons, no, now you're tampering with wires. buttons piss but wires implode. that's not very wise. empty threats... mmmm that's not very becoming of anyone. i don't care how high you are, it's inexcusable. damn, my insides are trembling with rage. yes. i want to, i want toooo continue writing.
don't forget, don't eeever forget the words that shook your core, "with our without you, i'll be just fine. i never want to need you, i just want to enjoy your company. i don't want to use you nor would i want you to use me. we're both strong enough people to move on."
that stays true and will never ever change. i'm working with every cell in my body so that can remain true. i never want to depend on anyone. the shit i'm putting up with now only gets me closer to leaving. the goal isn't to leave, no, it's to grow and part of growing is learning to be independent.
my biggest enemy is myself; my pride.

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1294 (33)
Well, I didn't end up doing anything New Years Eve in 2014, again. 
I stayed home with my bottle of sparkling cider and watched the movie New Years Eve with my dog. 
It comes to a point in a YSA's life where the New Year thing is just counting another year of not having sex. 
I was leaving work on New Years Eve and found a tenant in our building in his car with his head bent down in an unconscious state.  I watched him for a while to see if he would move.  He didn't.  Oh great, I thought, why do I have to find the dead guy on New Years Eve?  So I wandered over to his car and tapped on his window.  He was hunched over, still in his seatbelt and car running, with his phone held limply in his lap.  Slightly alarming sight. But he perked up as soon as I knocked and rolled down the window and went on to greet me as if we were talking for awhile... Happy New Year and all.  I mentioned I just wanted to make sure he was okay.  He said he fell asleep while listening to his messages.  It looked more like he was trying to call for help before he passed out.  But whatever.  Glad he was alive.  He's like in his 60's or 70's.  Based on the behavior I would say more 70's.
But it made me wonder.  Who falls asleep while listening to messages?  In their running car? In their seatbelt? Does he do that at home? In other public places? Does he do that in the garage?...
I was toying with the idea of hanging out with Evan tho.  But I thought about his invitation and noticed about 10 selfish things going on.   It's amazing how he does that.  Manipulates the situation to make it sound flattering and inviting, but its all just a ploy to satisfy himself if only for a breif moment which is how he used me for like three years.  He said I could come to his place.  HA.  He shares a house with 5 or 6 other roomates so he only has a little bedroom.  Spending the New Year in a 40 yr old's tiny bedroom does not seem enticing.  He said we could play his Xbox games.  And we all know how exciting his games are (coughSARCASMcough).  And he said he'd cook up some steaks.  He always wants/has steaks. Does the boy eat anything else?  Then I remembered he turns into a pumpkin at like 10pm.  How fun is that... 
So spending the New Years in a 40 yr old's bedroom while watching him play his Xbox games and eating his steak prolly on his bed and going home around 10pm it juss didn't seem.... fun.  So I kinda cancelled on him. Ish.  Apparently he didn't get the rejection.  Because a few days later he texted and went all drama on me cuz I didn't call him back after I had thought we changed our minds about hanging out that night. So he felt all ignored. 
And what does he do when he feels sad, ignored, lonely, (you can almost name any emotion at this point in his life)?  He drinks.  So I got drunk texts from him New Years Eve.  Lets juss say I was glad I didn't hang out with him, a sad, depressing, lonely, drunk 40 yr old in his bedroom for a couple of hours. 
The next day we didn't talk.  The next day he asked if I was mad at him, hence the silence the other day, and I said no.  I was feeling rather honest and mentioned I don't have any emotion towards him anymore nowadays.  I esp don't waste my time on being mad him for drinking.  What good does that do?  He said it sounded harsh.  Like I said, I was feeling honest, do I apologize for that?  I said there was no point being mad at him and then the next text he all blew up on me basically saying we aren't friends anymore and he knew I would "cut him" eventually like everyone else has.  Then he continued to cut off ties with me by saying I could sell his leather and keep the money cuz I prolly deserve it for putting up with him for so long. 
Again, feeling honest, but this time didn't say it, but I kinda had to agree with that last part.  I prolly do deserve it.  Anyways!  I got lost in that argument.  I thought not being mad at him would be a good thing for him.  Ya know, cuz boys don't respond well when girls are mad or disappointed with them and they get more depressed or mad.  How does he want me to react to his drinking? What does he want from me?  
Nobody likes the drama friend. 
Apparently he didn't get, in our last convo, that we had changed our plans and decided not to hang out and I was busy at work and accidently said the detramental phrase of "I'll call you back".  Apparently ppl take that literally.  So I thought we changed plans, the end, no need to call.  He said I made plans with him and then ignored him.  Technically he'd have to call me for me to ignore him, but whatever, sure, I ignored him.  He said it wasn't cool. I noticed he stands up for himself when he isn't being treated the way he wants. But when someone else does it, its somehow their own fault or something?  Anyways... I didn't really care. 
So I had a hard time convincing myself to patch things up with him. It would be easier if I didn't. Sigh. I'm still a slight sucker for the guy I guess. He was ending the so-called friendship we have because I wouldn't call him back. Drinking usually ends up with drama I've noticed. Oy vay. I eventually said sorry.  He said it was okay and like usual, used his drinking as his excuse for his behavior.  Seriously.  I honestly dont ever remember saying sorry to that boy in the whole three years we were together. I should prolly work on that for the future, maybe not now though, with him...anyways... 

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stay (34)
Why is the worst question. When answered, it gives intent. When answered it can be a road map for how a person thinks and what future actions will be and what past actions meant. In the grand scheme of things why should be utterly meaningless. It doesn't matter why hitler was anti-sematic. Or why Rosa Park refused to give up her seat. The why wasn't determinent of the outcome.
So I suppose it shouldn't matter why Caity should need a relationship with Valerie in addition to mine.
But it does.
I suppose I feel somehow betrayed. In this moment my marriage doesn't just involve two people. And that was never how my marriage was written. I was supposed to be yours and you were supposed to be mine. Niether of us succeeded I suppose, but what about now. Am I not enough for you? I've always felt like too much for you. I always felt like you were mere moments from spontaneously combusting. Now I'm starting to see that is your manipulation of me. It's your play to get people to do things for you. You pretended you couldn't handle anything so you didn't have to. I suppose I play that card sometimes.
That card is probably why I never want you to be a mother though. To some degree I probably married you to replace her. Its disgusting. But I'd never want children to be raised by a person who constantly pretended to be on the precipice of defeat. That pretense means constant anxiety.
I'd love to say that I'm okay with a polyamorous triad. But I'm not. I refuse to give myself fully to someone who isn't reciprocating. Thats probably why we are here in the first place. I would like to let you explore your sexuality, but you committed to me. And exploration is a clear breach of that commitment. I'd like to demand that you only have eyes for me, but you and I both know (even if we can't say it to each others face) that you can't do that. You pretend you can't do anything even though I know better. I'm not ready to leave, but I can't help but think its time. I can't help but start writing up a mental list of our assetts and the appraised value to be split, beginning to pack my things and search for a life after you. I never planned on there being any life after you. It was supposed to be "always." It feels like the end of the universe.
For now that's all in my head, no actual packing. But I don't see us coming out the other side of this. Our actions say that we both aren't happy here. Our actions don't say we are committed to what we have without changing. I suppose I'm writing this to hurt you. To shock you into somehow chasing after me. To trick you into promising me the world. But by now I've come to realize you won't ever deliver the world. So I don't know what I want. I want all of you, but that won't make me happy, just make our marriage whole.
I suppose I should look back at when we were dating and see what we liked back then, except all we ever did was make out and rub each other. So maybe it should be no suprise that we are where we are. You were my reprieve from my world of pressures and stigma, a literal instant gratification of everything. I'm not sure what I was, but judging from your other S.O.s I was attention. A substitute for daddy's affection. And I made it easy for you to find committed admiration. I was hoping in looking back to find a recipe for fixing things, instead I found a map of why they are broken.
I don't want to leave.
I don't want to stay.
It seams no matter what I choose it looks like a lot of pain. I'd be open to working on a real relationship. Going on adventures together. Finding shared interests. Making goals for our future and spending way too much time being cute together. That all sounds like Val could work, but I feel like we are Valerie's hobby, not the other way around. I share every thought with you. And somehow I feel like we share nothing meaningful. I'm open to having a fulfilled and meaningful relationship with you. I want to cook you pasta, and take you snowshoeing (perhaps metaphorically). And I want you to rub my back after a long day and invest time and energy into sharing a home and a life. I want you to pretend convincingly to like showshoeing. I just don't see how the current direction of our life serves that. I guess I just can't see our future. I don't see you liking me enough to pretend convincingly to like snowshoeing. And as a metaphore, that is the meaning of love.
I still don't want to leave.
I'm still afraid to stay.
For now, I'm going to find a way to be passionately involved in the progression of my life. I'm going to leap forward and upward. I'm going to commit to serving and loving you, Caity, and pray desperately that I feel loved enough to continue loving. I'm going to let you explore and learn and grow, and know that my loving you and letting you explore, is absolutely and unequivically killing me. But I feel like you deserve it. And if we were keeping score, it's probably perfectly fair. I'm going to put on my best smile mask, I'm going to do your stupid dishes, and I'm going to try to thrive here. Because you are still the only place I want to be.

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Untitled (24)
Yesterday was a sad hungover kind of day. Without any kind of consideration for the days around it, it was a good day. I slept until well past noon. I spent the day with friends. But when yesterday bothers to consider its place in the universe, as with all existential wandering, it feels a lot less good. Caity decided it was time to be complete with Val and get honest. It was a long sit on our rediculously comfy couches. And while I felt no remorse for feelings lost or gained, I felt like it was the end of something.
I have been trying to be less manipulative. For the most part that just means I try not to take control of things. It makes me feel very vulnerable. Vulnerable is usually good. But I felt like I had no place yesterday. I felt completely and utterly unnecessary. After Caity and Val talked for a while, and then Val stopped talking, I felt it was time to occupy myself. I ended up at another house, where things were completly relaxed. It felt safe, and simple. Good friends, good movies, and good salsa can make life seam a lot easier.
I came home too late to talk to Caity alone. She had gone to bed. So this morning I only got bits and pieces of what she and Val talked about. I caught that Val had confessed having feelings for her. And my jealous possesive nature is very angry about that. That alone makes me feel somehow like I need to cut a bitch. Like I need to take action to protect my happiness. But I'm trying to not be manipulative, or neurotic. And loving someone means not being possessive. So as much as I want to shank someone, I think its probably wiser to let things play out for a minute. And maybe I end up alone at the end of all this. 
For the record, I'm not angry that Val has feelings. Feelings are good, and a little bit beautiful. I'm angry because I can't trust that those feelings are real. I can't trust that it's not just a ploy to be liked. I feel like its some kind of manipulative play to get what Val wants. And that makes me feel most threatened. I want to be loved and wanted, and I want to put work in to that. But I've been working so hard for that for six years by being manipulating, and always feeling empty. And when I'm not being all manipulating, I play the marter. I'm trying not to repeat those mistakes anymore. But I'm not sure what option C looks like. I have shank a bitch as option one, and leave it all to Caity and then blame her for whatever unhappiness ensues as option two. It's an excellent way to illustrate my manipulative nature. I suppose I'll come back to what option C looks like.
I also feel like Caity might be done with me. Its not an overwhelming feeling. It is one I have felt almost the full six years we've been married. It's in the little things. She doesn't ever seem to follow through on her promises. And maybe thats just a fluke, but it shows me in little ways what she is actually thinking about. She promises to clean up after herself and then watches netflix all night instead. There is a trail of junk that follows her around the entire house. She isn't vulnerable with me. She never iniciates intimacy. How does that mean she's done? It doesn't. But it does show that she is trying to escape her current life. And she is probably afraid of me.
I should probably stop reading into things. I should probably grow a pair, take care of my own life (which I've never done even passibly), and let other people decide the shape of their own lives. I dreamed last night that I went on a study abroad with my friend Charles. It was a totally spur of the moment thing and I knew I was forgetting things. But I bought my plane ticket and ran to catch up with the group, and flew away knowing most of it I could just buy later (even though I forgot a bunch of cash in my parents armoire). I've always asked myself if I were not married what would I be doing. Right now, I would be flying to Europe. I would be working on my art. I would be living in a small modern house near the ocean. Instead, I'm cleaning up Caity's dishes. I'm both happy and sad about this. It's nice to feel wanted. It's nice to feel like all of that time I didn't spend on my own life has a point. But good fuck my life is a mess.
I feel like I am constantly working to get what I want and still keep Caity and I together. Right now I want to tear at the cracks of my relationship with her. I want to run away and no longer be vulnerable. And then I want Caity to pull some kind of miracle and fix it all. I don't know what the best option is, but I can tell it is me not running anywhere. If things are going to work the way I want them to, I must be an active participant. It doesn't matter if that means continuing the exhausting work of living where I am. For now, that will be option C. From moment to moment, live as the person you want to be. Don't run. Don't shank a bitch. Just ask for what you want.

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1293 (23)
Everyone is asking what I'm doing for New Years.
Everyone is inviting me to do stuff with them on New Years.
And I don't want to do any of it.
Which begs the question of what do I want to do?
The idea of being single and going to your parents house seems lame.
Esp when one parent is working and the other goes to bed at 10pm. 
My sis and her family will be there which leaves the aftermath of tired screaming children the next day. 
I'm not sure why they don't do New Years at their house with just them?  Its not like ppl are going to be around at home. 
Other than that I'm left with being a fifth wheel at couples game night while screaming children run around the house and interrupt the game.  Yaaayyy.... 
I love Natalie and Shelly and Min and their children.... but... 
I'd rather be actually physically alone than feel alone in a room full of people this year. 
Is that weird?  Do I just hate ppl now?  I've hung out with these guys at other times and done other activities with them, what is so special about New Years that I don't want to hang out with them and their children?
It's really nice that everyone tries to include me in their plans even if they are specifically "couple" plans, but they call it "friends night" and insist I should come... 
But it's just not... that exciting to me.  I suppose I'm too selfish to share my time on the New Year.
But in my defense Arthur doesn't want to go either. 
And again, it leaves the question of what do I want to do.
What would I do if I didn't join married couples and their children?
Nothing.  Like usual. 
Is that better?   My mind answers me immediately and says yes. 
Then the ex just texted and made an offer to hang out on New Years. 
It seems like such a regression from all the progess I've made in getting away from him.
But honestly, his offer sounds the best so far. 
Besides me sitting at home alone with a bottle of sparkling apple cider again this year.
I dont even think the Ward is doing the same old ice skating thing they did last year.  At least I haven't heard anything about it.
I could make some effort and invite some ppl over to my house, but the courage to invite ppl I barely know and the effort just aren't in the relaxing category I'm looking for...

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1292 (24)
I caught a glimpse of the life I'd live if I didn't have a job this Christmas weekend.
I'm glad I have a job.
New Years 2015 = me being a hedonist 
Hedonist =  a   person   whose   life   is   devoted   to   the   pursuit   of   pleasure   and   self-gratification.
I'm saying I dont want to hang out with any of you.
I dont want to go anywhere this year.  
And the ones I do want to hang out with dont have time. 
Or maybe its just me being a hedonist for the rest of my life. 

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Excellent Holiday (41)
Brendan is now 2 weeks old!  He has kept our holiday very busy indeed.  After we came home from the hospital we had a rough week until we got his feeding settled.  Now he is a happy baby boy and much calmer these days.  The worst thing for any new parent to undergo, especially a first time mother, is a baby that cannot be comforted because he isn't getting enough nutrition during feeding sessions :(  Now that we are on formula and bottle feedings everything is settling down just fine.
Just survived my first weekend without Josh's help thanks to my mother.  Josh just got home from 24 hrs in 2 days of work so Mom came down to help me get through the nights :)  She got her grandma time in and I got 2 nights of solid sleep :D
On a side note, absolutely loving Bleach!  On Season 8 episode 152 !

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[958] do it all again (46)
everyone i know is having more sex than me
i am probably going to die a virgin
i don't actually care i don't think except all the times in which i kind of do a little bit

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It might even be a regular occurence... (34)
This is the second time in a week I'm posting. And it might be a healthy regular thing. Things have calmed down a little. I still feel very overwhelmed, but writing helped me to realize that playing the marter wasn't helping anyone. I talked to my wife, and after she and her friend had an exceptionally inapropriate couch match (use your imagination, it's not the point here anyway) I had a sit down and came to an arrangement with the wifey.
I had a threesome tonight. It wasn't particularly magical, though everyone else said it was. I suspect it was just the new experience. All in all I was just glad to be included.
It's all a little tenuous. I feel as if I trust no one completely. I feel like I'm dancing on a spider web and one wrong move and I could be very, very trapped. But it's relieving to be honest with someone. Now I can go back to using sitdiary to sort things out, rather than cry for help.
Caity and I decided to put each other first, but whatever comes second is fair game. I'm not worrying about labels. But at least I feel I can hold caity to an arrangement of some kind. We never really had vows in our marriage, and when you no longer place any faith in the religion that binds you to another person, it can be hard to determine where to draw a line. Now I feel like I can hold caity to being mine. Not in a "I own you" kind of way. Freedom of choice is far too important to me for that. But in a "you love me, and this hurts me" kind of way. It's like I finally have some sort of control over how she treats me, and that makes me far more comfortable with giving her freedom.
Truthfully the way she treats me hasn't changed much yet. I'm not sure I fully understand love, but she's always wanted me to spell out EXACTLY how she is supposed to be a good wife. I always felt that love wasn't about doing what you were told, but about being a version of yourself who's goal was to better the other person. And being told what to do to love is about like masterbation; it meets your needs, but there's never any surprise.
In love you give of yourself.
and in real love you give of yourself with the hope that they hear and feel what you are trying to say. I hope very much that someday she understands that. That is the criteria by which I judge love, and if she can't figure that out someday I will run out of love.
Back in the real world things are very intrigue-filled. I will try to be objective, but my hunches have been very accurate as of late. And my hunch with Valerie is that I can't trust her. Objectively, I know only a little. She is cheating on her boyfriend, lying constantly about where she was to him. Making excuses to not be with him and bad mouthing him behind his back. She has told caity that she would have a relationship with her and keep it from me. She has told me she would have a relationship with me and keep it from caity. She does not socially yawn. When I confronted her (in jest) about a secret she didn't know I knew, she was an excellent liar. She cheats in games and winning is a big deal.
All that being said I'm not quite sure what it means. I worry that she will teach caity to keep secrets. To lie and manipulate. And team Craity already has one too many liars who manipulate people. I worry that a person like that has no regard for others, and that she will in some very crucial way destroy the life I live. I don't know what that destruction looks like, and it haunts me a little. I'm drawing up a battle plan, and trying to decide if I really should be going to battle. On the one hand, Valerie has so much to offer in the realms of sexual exploration. And she is a talented lover. On the other, everything is a competition and I don't think she is afraid of murder for victory.
I guess at this point I should be analizing what victory means to her. And that will decide whether or not she is truly a threat to Caity or I. Right now it is clear that she wants sex, and most obviously with Caity. And right now it looks like Caity is standing up for folding me into that relationship rather than letting me go. I suppose I owe her some serious gratitude for that. And I suppose that shows she does love me, even if I'm a paranoid and manipulative fool. I guess right now all I can do is analize behavior, and look for motive. I suppose that's enough for tonight.

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Untitled (28)
I should begin, with so very many things. With a sad boy, and puppet strings, but mostly, it should be noted that I have so very very many indiscretions and no room to blame or judge. I have far to much to deal with on my own, and I'm not sure I even know where to start. I'm trying to be delicate. Because while I'm no saint, I don't want to be caught smearing someone else in the name of feeling victimized. But this is for me and noone else.
It should probably also be noted that there is a chance that this little ball of pain could very much be of my own making. The sculpture should never be made to serve only the sculpter. And I'm tryng to be objective in my subjectivity.
As it turns out, I'm not the kind of person that can handle my wife having an affair. No matter how in-elicit. I had a suspicion of this, which notes yet another of my suspicions beginning to bear fruit. It would be fine with me, as long as I didn't know.
She isn't having an affair, depending on definitions, but thats of no comfort to me. And While I would rather she never read these words- I want to be supportive - Who's supporting me? Right now, this seams like the best way for me to be the hero, and still find a way to scream and cry. Thats why I'm writing here.
I once told her that I wouldn't take offense if she had an affair with a woman because I can't offer her tits and vagina. Yesterday morning, she woke up with another woman, and proceeded to finger fuck/get fucked until nearly noon. It should have been erotic. I was in that bad. Instead it was traumatizing. Every suspicion my wife doesn't actually want my body, doesn't want my sweet caresses, and doesn't want me, was given a voice. I laid there and pretended to be involved. I spent time convincing her that it was good for her to follow her passions wherever they leed. I still believe that. Because someday I hope that she gets what she wants, instead of feeling suspicious that she doesn't, that she can't love me. That she is wasting away on a sad, manipulative little boy with nothing to offer her. I'm trying desperately to be her support. To support the woman, my friend, who intwined with her for a morning. I'm trying desperately not to throw tantrums, and scream, and cry, to sit patiently while they cuddle and carress each other softly like new lovers, never spending time apart. So instead I scream and cry here. Because it's about all I can do. Avoid crying, and cry.
A part of me wants to tell a jealous boyfriend, to let loose all my indescretions in a torrent of honesty. And let all my pain be shared. But in the end, I don't think that will make me any happier. I'm not sure anything will make me happier but time. I'd love to make new lovers include me in there happiness, but I don't want to make life complicated, when there is nothing simple about it to begin with. At the end of the day, I've chosen to be so very, desperately, painfully lonely. Because I want others to be capable of examining themselves with out me getting in the lens. Because I want to be chosen for who I am, and not for my pain and screaming. Because I want to be loved honestly, and not pittied and petted. And because knowing oneself is so very, ultimately important.
And I'm so nervous that indiscretion was a one day special. That all my fears and pain given voice, are no more than pain and fear and I am the voice. There will be no monster. There will be no more than suspicion and a feeling that I'm not loved.

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my love is black and wet (83)
the days with you
are long
velvet carpets
rolled out for
because i came
into existence
for you
because i am
as i am
for you to have
because you saw me
realised me
because you know me
are the only one
who does
because it is you
who conjured me
because you love me
do not know
the color of my eyes
you awake
in the early morning
around 7 a.m
move closer
pull me in
wrap an arm around me
use the other
to caress the skin
of my neck
upper back
and for the shortest
moment i can suspend
the reality of
what we are
over me
replace it
with a warm caramelized
until your running fingers
take speed
and bring me back
to the
place and thing
i exist for you
hit me
slap me
i love you
the only one who can
come closer
hold me
be soft
the night rolls closer now
brutalize me
from behind
contort my body
and take me
my fat thighs
spilling on each side
pull my hair
pull me
closer to you
don't keep me so far
from your body
i hate you
i hate you more
than the devil can burn
hit me
tell me again
all those nice things
you said
at the bar
after i confessed
i was crazy about you
tell me again
as i hold you against the
door of my bedroom
and once you're through telling
i will jump on the bed
up and down
several times
like a child
like a monkey
like a lunatic
because for a night
people can be really happy
for one night
it happens
people will feel
the need to jump on a bed
and not care about
waking the
downstairs neighbour
because it's just one night
really, the only
and everything that
happened before
was leading up to

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my love is a jumping monkey (28)
under grey-blue clouds
the lazy herd
moving slowly
above the crows
for life
for death
my feet crack the salt and pebbles
below me and i may
slip on
the milky ice
and hurt myself
on exposed pavement
i may slip for you
and show you
something real
spring time
because i know
that the trees
never died
nude and bold
they bear though
they persevered
as will i, dreaming of
the green
the fullness
silent heat of
your body
i'm missing the
flies circling
the streetlight
i'm missing the
beads on my
the orange
spills of sun
on leaves
i'm missing
the songs of
cicadas and
and the dusty
horizon of the
city, seen on
the bridge over
the freeway
the satin of petals
have been forgotten
watermelon waits
to quench
and i pass
right by that too
i'm missing out
on the wonders
not somewhere
but everywhere
life is begging
and i trudge
the asking cup
i see nothing
am unaffected
by all
i turn inwards
the mind numb
to senses
the heart
one thing
i am missing you
after the jukebox
Bruce Springsteen
we walked
in the dark
taverned lights
pass the pool tables
back to our barstools
how I turned
to look at you
and asked
"where did you come from?"
i remember you
on my roof
under the clouds
with bullet holes
shot through them
how i put my
under my head
and stared
above at the sky
and i felt you
from the peripherals
and you stole
the sight of me
and i remember
meaning something
to you then
remember when
you called me a beauty
and asked me to
go gently
remember the sunsets
the evening in may
with the leaving sun
crying on
factories and abandoned buildings
all around us
sparking wine and menthol cigarettes
the oratory
as a back-drop
to your stunning face
i remember the moons
they were charted to the nights
with you
i remember every second
i lived
the first
night i spent with you
but mostly,
i remember you
from before
i knew you

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The Toy Trian Secret (44)
It was about last year and Dave took asked me to help him cook for an event. His dad (as far as I canremember) and him had been a part of this group since forever and they were short staff to help prepare the food. Anyways, while we were setting things up and getting ready for the event later that day, Dave decided to show me around the lodge. It was a pretty big place and had plenty of added on sections from years of remodeling. The main section of the place was the original and you could tell, the wood was different, there was little hidden spots for storage... Big windows... everything.
Anyways so here Dave and I are exploring this place with no one around (and honestly we weren't supposed to be exploring) when he takes me downstairs... into this small hallway. He opened 2 doors... and as he flicked on the light I started looking around the long twisty tiny hallway, we now had to duck slightly to walk along it. There were stairs everyonce in a while on either side going up somewhere. "This is secret" Dave told me, "The reason it's so long and strange, and in a second you'll see how big it is, is because it used to be used as a small gun range back in the day. VERY few people know this is here nevermind get to come down here." he started flipping on switches as we walked past the stairs and without a word started to climb one of them. I fallowed a little worried about these passages getting any smaller but i had seen him flick on lights and saw light coming from above where the stairs all led to. As I surfaced from underneith my breath caught and i held it scanning the surface of one of the biggest train models I have ever seen. It was huge! and talk about detail! tiny little deer in the tiny forest on top of mountains and even an egal wirh a nest here and there... telephone post, trains... that could move and switch directions and rails and do whatever you wanted... small lakes, houses, kids sledding. EVERYTHING! It was amazing! It was like something in a dream. I was so estatic about the whole thing. I wish you all could see it. I can't really describe it much better but please know that it was amazing and I was speachless which is VERY hard to do.
All of a sudden we heard a noise from up stairs and both of us started turning off the lights and realized someone was coming in the lodge. we sped up sairs (as casualy as you can while being quick) and met one of the elders of the group (don't worry not a bad group but i rather not tell you the type otherwise it might give away this placce's secret location) He didn't seem to notice as Dave and I put on out best halos above out heads. I swear if you were to look upon us at that moment we would have looked like 2 children pretending they hadn't just stolen some cookies. Anyways I told Dave I wouldn't tell anyone... but a year and some odd months later I did write it in here,,, so I hope you enjoyed it. :)
Later Days!

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The Mirror (38)
"What if the only reason we can’ t walk through mirror is because our reflection blocks us
What if they are protecting us
What if they know that the other side is horryfing and painful and they are trying to keep us from ever crossing over

You may be on the wrong side of the mirror
Maybe you are the reflection"
That boy... it's been years and like a stray cat he creeps back into my life over and over. You know the one. That cat who you always thinks is long gone or lost... or dead somewhere. Yet, he always seems to show up one day out of the blue. Usually scratching at your door.
Every few years he pops up and says hello, never tells me where he's been or what chick he's with this time. Probably some tattooed freak of a girl. freak meaning the type of girl she is, not the fact she's tattooed. He always says it's better if he stays away, that i'll be safer. That our lifes are so different. I think he's just afraid that i'll know some of the monsters from his past, or see the demonds that lerk inside him. Or worse... that our demonds can play together and our monsters have crossed paths. I'm just babbling here. But i will say this: no matter how mirror like our lifes are or where we come from or where we are going... i care for him alot, i care who hurts him and when he hurts him self. I care that he checks in so in the end i don't worry. ANd you know he's never called me a bad name or said bad words to me... not even once. He's barked at people to stay away when lack of respect comes our way. He's a sweet heart. And i rarely get a chance to say that. Anyways... it's 6:34am, time for bed... go touch your mirrors kids, and see if you can tell which side of the mirror you're on... and don't worry about that stupid stray cat you lost.

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Pop-Culture 2.0 : The Sacred and Profane (43)
In this essay, I try to examine whether American pop-culture can survive en masse in the digital age. It use to be necessary that contemporary pop-culture was shaped strictly on the basis of lived social intersections. But this foundation may be turned in for a much more monolithic attitude about technological progression in new media. If pop-culture doesn’t revitalize itself in the same way other institutions of the past have done, than its inevitably going to merge into a technological enclave. As traditional languages struggle to keep up— and disappear because of popular language styles—technological styles of language may end up absorbing pop-cultural identities as the gap between the two shrink. This analysis tries to bolster this worry by reviewing Marcel Danesi (2014), Dave Everitt and Simon Mills (2009), and Arjun Appadurai’s (1990), individual approaches to analyzing the code-switching involved in merging digital languages with their real counterparts. I argue that such reasoning provides the foundation for a further analysis into cultural industry (Wiggins 2014, Lotz 2007, McRobbie 1996) and social hesitations to new technological mediums—the Internet par excellence. 

As contemporary American pop-culture of the 21 st century nears the middle point of its adolescence, we are asked about our media sensibilities in its outsourcing and intrusions into worlds of which are private and global. Preceding this age was a previous language use in pop-culture, largely, converging around commodity logic or of corporate response to growing demographics in youth culture. The resulting aesthetic tension between high and low standards of art brought forth an equally powerful inquisition of American popular culture as its continuum into social and political organization. In a democratic sense American Pop-culture is by the people and for the people. But this does not consider whether it can survive and maintain some authenticity in a growing age of globalization and digital-mediated-discourse. Pop-culture is no stranger to aesthetic fury on the part of philosophers, ideologues, and social critics the like, but this time around the question is framed on the basis of purely technological innovation. That is whether the language in popular-culture itself can keep up with the instant-demand-world that is brought on by technological means. I will side with Heidegger and assume that technology works on a level of framing:
The essence of modern technology lies in (En)framing. The gathering together that belongs to that setting-upon which sets upon man and puts him in position to reveal the real, in the mode of ordering as standing-reserve. [Heidegger, M. The Question concerning Technology (1977). Harper and Row.]

Undoubtedly , technological innovation of preceding eras relied on extensions of the community; moreover, its foundation relied on a growing social structure and its transgressive elements—resulting in the formulation of a contemporary pop-culture. Market rationalism seems to mimic this notion through adopting social trends and language into its manifold and processes. However, as of today technological mediums do not function this way. It merges or sets-upon its user rather than adopting and adapting to social and market situations. Part of this enclave entails the use of a certain scientific optimism to semantically frame languages according to day to day changes in the digital world rather than the real one.
The convergence of several different cultural technologies into the internet present new challenges in linguistics of which further call for an evaluation of geographic exchange. The exchange in information or cultural artifact happen as traditional mediums become outdated or marginalized. For example, through the internet, a Japanese manga in Tokyo can be read only a day earlier from that of readership in China, France and New York (Lee, Hye-Kyung 2009). If not, sooner. This exemplifies technological innovations impact on mass cultural aspects. Thus our expectations are shaped by some aspect of our digital identities. 
This effects the linguistic identities of a given real society, and the further worry is whether the messages are merely iridescent cover for utility centered language. The question, then, is whether Popular-culture of the 21st century—in struggling to keep up with this mass ‘progress’—has to affix a new semantics of which reflect these changes? If technological innovation carries a scientific framing of language of which values things in terms of efficiency and inefficiency; than the answer should be a resounding ‘no’. But what choice do we have, if the language of todays popular culture is more dependent on technological frames rather than social engineering? A granted language is used to express a certain cultural validation of social perspective, and therefore popular culture is supposed to be socially therapeutic or driven to play on the emotions, proprieties, customs, events and institutions of a given social attitude. 
Technological Anxiety in Language Identity
Preceding pop-culture was determined by dogmatism and hegemonic institutions had to be challenged and updated to match the efforts of free social engineering. However, in their cultural analysis of technological sensibilities in language, Everett and Mills, argue that there are ‘technologically-independent’ and ‘technologically-dependent’ applications of the metaphorical suffix ‘2.0’ in pop-culture. They claim that the semantic relationship between ‘2.0’ and ‘Web 2.0’ ought to signify a social context rather than any major technical innovation because they are often few in number. However, the tendency to overlook this historical relationship is exacerbated by optimistic attitudes of perceived technological change or progress. To this point, original social and cultural drives behind the development of Web 2.0 are undermined and the metaphorical meaning of the suffix ‘2.0’ is no longer reflective of its intended meaning or use. This raises questions about technologies role in shaping pop-cultural meanings according to an efficient appearance. Everitt and Mills, emphasize this point through analyzing MySpace, Facebook, and HTML: 
With the blossoming of social software applications, the increased capacity of processors and bandwidth to handle video streams, plus certain innovative combinations of existing technologies, the potential of the web became markedly different sometime around the early part of this century…the original motives behind the 2.0 suffix was to help open source expertise and ethics integrate with commercial interests, and thereby to keep the web invigorated by software free from the constraints of profit and in-house programming policies.  
[Everitt and Mills, 2009, Media Culture Society , SAGE Publications,Vol. 31(5):749-768]
Since then, there has been a number of ‘2.0’ suffix adoptions by cultural institutions, political ideologies, and pedagogical disciplines; e.g. Atheism 2.0 (Alain de Botton 2013), Marxist Immaterial Labour 2.0 (Coté and Pybus 2007) and Protest 2.0 ( Petray 2011). In 2007 David Gauntlett proposed that Media Studies in itself may need to be upgraded to ‘Media Studies 2.0’ if it is to be responsive to all the changes in new media. However, the mass adoption of the suffix itself seems to be mimetic in the sense that ‘2.0’ is incorporated into fields on a basis of the same “pseudo-technological terminology” (Everitt and Mills 2009). 
However, pop-language too must often co-opt and transvaluate the preexisting semantic frames of its own culture in order to challenge and uphold a promise to provide an authentic and fair representation of its society. An often cited case are ambiguous lexical items like ‘cool’. The word is socially reflexive as it is always framed to signify a given social attitude. What was ‘cool’ in the 1920’s was not necessarily so in the 1930’s or today. While this is a historical truism it still is an essential hub in defining the meaning of its use, and in this way new languages by people are formed naturally. But the structure of technological identity seems to turn this notion in on its head by way of social conversion first and then subverting its language last. The term ‘cool’ as of late refers to nerd culture or technological enthusiasm (Quail, Christine 2011). What is ‘cool’ is what ‘works’ or what is ‘efficient’. The profane element to the word associated with its Jazz influence and transgressive meaning suddenly hides itself. I want to argue that technological progress may in fact come to dominate contemporary American popular culture rather than people. That is we have a small chance to socially ‘update’ ourselves by embracing the ideals (rather than ‘progress’) that actually brought about the digital age. 

Hybridization and Decaying Linguistic Identity
To subside this worry, Danesi argues that this has actually happened within Italian’s transition out of Vulgar Latin. Abbreviation or compression in language happens all the time as new technologies close the gap between individuals in a given social context. What makes our contemporary situation peculiar is the issue of Baudrillard’s ‘hyperreal’. For example, as computer mediated communication merges with Italian syntax, aspects to the traditional semantic structure seems to fall into study rather than use (see Danesi). This technological change is taking place with Italian and sheds light on the cultural evaporation of hypothetical phrasing . 
In this case ‘E-language’ or Text-speech is easier to communicate  through the new digital medias of the 21st century, but they should also raise coinciding concerns about ‘global English’. So, along the same vein pop-culture has also been accused of being intrusive or world destroying. What makes technological convergence of the Internet different is the rate at which changes are made to aspatial and atemporal sensibilities: 
This may explain why dialect speech in Italy is, paradoxically, undergoing a type of resurgence through digital media. It is doing so in three main ways: (1) as a complete adoption of the local dialect for intergroup communication in online groups; (2) as an occasional option for a similar purpose; (3) as part of a code-switching system to convey a new sense of regional group identity. [Danesi pg. 232-233]
Danesi believes that computer mediated communication brought about an ‘instant communication response culture. Linguistic identity is influenced by ones language and shaped by intersectional dimensions of human life. The allegiances to the basic institutions of which in the past primarily shaped linguistic identity are loosing hold to the more flexible structures used in cyberspace. For example, social networking is a new media of which makes the linguistic identities more manageable through the web. Additionally, confidence in preexisting social relations and cultural customs have been shaken due to the emergence of the Internet’s new media (Danesi, 2014 pg. 228-229). If device-to-device communication is as dominant as face-to-face communication, then the historic-linguistic thesis has been impaired in some way. That is the linguistic contact maintained in cyber space is clearly dominating linguistic identities even outside of its own structure (which is ambiguous).
Danesi reinforces Bakhtin’s analysis of the “Self Other dynamic” and further classifies this process as “indexical”. In other words the self is shaped by a person who acquires a semiotic sensibility to the world through cognitive and linguistic resources. These resources are largely related to their use in social organization (Danesi, 2014 pg. 229-230). Danesi uses Italian society in order exemplify this case. In the past variation in dialect would determine the identity of a person. But digital technologies have exacerbated the rate at which communicative rituals and lifestyles change. The distance hypothesis has validity basis on its correlation to social variation and location. Similarly, the language of popular culture functions the same way as it is supposed to be by and for the people. Socio-Linguistic spaces are no longer changed primarily by preexisting meta-language. The are more than likely to come out and for the screen. One example is Text-speech and spelling.
Hybridization of the distance and proximate theory is most likely to happen as e-linguistic identities and real-linguistic identities continue to co-exist. But it becomes harder to distinguish any difference between the two when technological notions of society trump its social engineers. I believe this distinction is crucial in order to maintain a contemporary popular culture that can survive the traditional aesthetic arguments against pop-culture. It is either this  path or pop-culture will no doubt merge with technological enclosed lexical categories. The technological view is one of utility. It is the tendency to over look the social drives of which shift a cultural foundation in a language of efficiency and inefficiency or instant gratification. Danesi seems to believe that we don’t have a choice not to speak the language of this new medium, because we inevitably choose a cultural death as opposed to depth. 
New social media has also brought out a new place for industry in the last 30 years (Wiggins 2014). It would be wrong to assume that the Internet and Popular-culture is completely removed from capitalistic tendencies, because of the cultural appeal to the majoritive notions in a given society. The amalgam created by the Internet encloses the same type of humanism—found in reality tv, nano-commercialism and sadism or vulgar—cultural industry exploits. The original conception of the Web as noted earlier was based on a preexisting social drive that emphasized less on economic interest and more on user generated content (Wiggins 2014, Lotz 2007, McRobbie 1996). This reaction to crude cultural production did not so much as destabilize preexisting media networks, but rather gave them more freedom to either advertise, negotiate, insure or aggregate—resources. In other words the new technological innovations of the Internet made TV change its advertising and content.
Disjuncture and Difference  
The global village theme in pop-culture ties itself to technological innovation in as far as it is ‘social software’. But preexisting models do not suffice in accounting for the intersections. To further this point, Appadurai argues, that of which constitutes a given language identity can no longer operate in direct coordination to social or even economic organization. These are now seen as disorganized views of culture and cannot survive in an efficient driven society. Cultural flow and thus the outsourcing of Linguistic Identity should be assessed by its own framework of five dimensions; ethnoscapes; mediascapes; technoscapes; finanscapes; and ideoscapes. Appadurai argues that these are imaginative or conceptual worlds of ‘historically situated’ peoples and groups. 
To this point the use of the ‘scape’ suffix allows us to look closer at how cultures can; geographically shift; politicize; make technical; capitalize; and centralize representations about the world as it appears. ‘Mediascapes’, like the Internet are often image-centered, based on an inkling of the real as opposed to the whole of reality. That is they provide composition and forms that individuals can then internalize to account for their own experience or world. The behavioral metaphors of a given society can be understood by a language which lends itself to this idea, but Appadurai also argues that the shear volume of content and the rate at which it is exchanged can no longer be shaped by preceding organized communication models (Appadurai pg. 300-301). The Internet has been the best example of this in that it disrupted the original symbolic order to cultural flow which was largely determined by majoritive yet free-market forces. 
This unification is liberating in the sense that ideas can be shared on the basis of their accessibility rather than border. American popular culture has had no levers and dams to control this phenomenon. The tension is exacerbated once the technological process itself has a hold of social drives in pop-culture, because its essence is to make things feel and look efficient. Another side effect of this embrace is cultural deterritorialization as technological language saturates the unconsciousness and thus shapes cultural identity. 
The impulse is to freak out. Technological language encourages a certain attitude about the world and its various cultures. Languages and cultural identities are being wiped out in a surge of media saturation and barrier dissension. Pop-culture has been accused of this in the past through global outsourcing to other linguistic realities or worlds. Cynical reasoning would have us believe that once these factors collide a determinism emerges; but these [factors] are in fact decentralized and disorganized.
Still, there is hope for an authentic Pop-culture to survive this factor so long as its social elements are the generators of such content. The legitimacy may be shaken as the internet alters speech and written styles of language through shrinking the private spheres and creation of imaginary identities, but the value of Pop-culture can still remain so long as it is driven by culture itself. Pop-Culture 2.0 is a play on the cultural anxieties to compare oneself to technological innovation. But I think there is something to the suffix in the semantic sense that ‘2.0’ broadens the mediascapes possibilities. In some ways now more than ever people have more control over generating their own brands of Pop-culture through the internet, despite industry's attempt at disturbing this relationship through typical profit pursuits. In the ideal sense, every digital culture may have a say in the cultural bubble.
Works Cited
Appadurai, A. "Disjuncture and Difference in the Global Cultural Economy." Theory, Culture & Society 7.2 (1990): 295-310. Web.
Botton, Alain De. Religion for Atheists: A Non-believer's Guide to the Uses of Religion. New York: Pantheon, 2012. Print.
Danesi, Marcel. "Forging a Linguistic Identity in the Age of the Internet." Forum Italicum- A Journal of Italian Studies 48.2 (2014): 227-37. Sage Pub. Web.
Everitt, D., and S. Mills. "Cultural Anxiety 2.0." Media, Culture & Society 31.5 (2009): 749-68. Web.
Heidegger, Martin. The Question concerning Technology, and Other Essays. New York: Harper & Row, 1977. Print.
Lee, H.-K. "Between Fan Culture and Copyright Infringement: Manga Scanlation." Media, Culture & Society 31.6 (2009): 1011-022. Web.
Lotz, A. D. "How to Spend $9.3 Billion in Three Days: Examining the Upfront Buying Process in the Production of US Television Culture." Media, Culture & Society 29.4 (2007): 549-67. Web.
Mcrobbie, A. "All the World's a Stage, Screen or Magazine: When Culture Is the Logic of Late Capitalism." Media, Culture & Society 18.2 (1996): 335-42. Web.
Petray, T. L. "Protest 2.0: Online Interactions and Aboriginal Activists." Media, Culture & Society 33.6 (2011): 923-40. Web.
Pybus, Jennifer, and Mark Coté. "Learning to Immaterial Labour 2.0: MySpace and Social Networks." Ephemera| Theory and Politics in Organization 7.1 (2007): 88-106. Web.
Quail, C. "Nerds, Geeks, and the Hip/Square Dialectic in Contemporary Television." Television & New Media 12.5 (2011): 460-82. Web.
Wiggins, Benjamin Alan. "The Culture Industry, New Media, and the Shift from Creation to Curation; Or, Enlightenment As a Kick in the Nuts." Television & New Media 15.5 (2014): 395-412. Sage Pub. Web.



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Choose Your Battles More Wisely (70)
Are you dipshits fucking serious?
No, no, no, no.  Don't get me wrong.  I want you to proceed in trying to change metal. Because I know it's going to swipe back and knock you all on your ass. There is no genre in music more unapologetic for what it stands for than Metal.
So go ahead, shit stains.  Go after metal.  It will proudly destroy you.  You have no idea what you are going up against.  This is not some pussy, game dev you could push around. Metalheads will never cow tail to your unreasonable demands of changing everything they love to save your precious feels.

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1291 (37)
Who woulda thought when Natalie and I were in high school that I would be driving her 6 year old up to the Valley to deliver her to her Grandma?  We probably didn't think we would be in the same city at age 26 let alone the children she has.  In high school I dont suppose we thought about such things.  It feels weird.  Its even weirder when you are going back to the home town and all the memories you had there as a teenager. 
Meanwhile, its Dec 10, Scotts bday morrow, and there has been no snow.
In fact, its been very hot for Dec.  In Nov we had like one or two storms that left like an inch of snow and was gone within hours as the sun was out.  But nothing so far in Dec.  Weird.  Definitely can't wear long sleeves or boots.  Its like in the upper 50's and sometimes in the 60's!   I was babysitting Min's kids and we went to the park around noon and it was too hot!  We got all hot and tired and came back thirsty. 
Are we gonna have snow for Christmas?  Have we ever had a Christmas without snow before?
Sure, the one year/winter I actually buy a coat, an actual coat, and there is no winter.  Well, it was a Black Friday deal and was only $25 instead of its priced $50.  But still, I'm not sure I've ever really bought an actual coat before. I just wear two jackets, layered.  Depending on the cold wear long sleeves underneath it all. But this is a warm coat that you can wear with short sleeve shirt or long and don't have to have a jacket underneath! But it does no good now... 
I have Dal for Christmas and he's going to LA so I'm giving them Christmas early, before they go, this year. Other than that I dont really see a reason to go home for Christmas... I guess I can see what Min got me. That should be a hoot. She's a peculiar girl. 

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Risking it all (54)
For some reason I felt compelled to come here and tell the emptieness that I've found my man. 
He's everything I never knew I wanted as well as all of the things I knew I needed. 
I saw him and he was real and it was as if I recognized him from some forgotten past. 
He knows how to handle me... for years I've wanted to surrender but I couldn't to anyone less than him. 
(I feel like I'm talking to an imaginary friend I have stopped believing in but never said goodbye to.) 

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28 and back for a vent (44)
So once upon a midnight dreary, I used to post on here. I look back at the old comments and wow.... Not a whole pile as changed.
I invest too much in others and can find no sense of comfort and happiness in my own skin. Still got the insomnia, still got the clinical bouts of depression and still feeling as worthless as I did way back when.
Still feel like I'm not doing any more than surviving.
Where does one go and what does one do?
I see the right answers so is it just the questions I keep reading wrong?
I dunno... even my ability to talk shit and pretend to be some kinda poetic savant hasn't changed.
Wish I could just be "better". Or at least fail better. 

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I really just don't care (184)
I don't understand people sometimes. I have this friend, lets call her Cat.
 So Cat and I have been friends for some times now about two years, I want to say her and I are good friends, I've been there for her through a lot and she has been there for me There was a time when Cat went a little nutty (fell off the bandwagon, boy crazy) I'll leave it at that but lets also just say when she was going through her nut phase it worried some people and she was not exactly easy to deal with. But anyway she also has two kids who I love very much we spend loads of time together, the father of the kids is there though they are not married on paper. She has gone back and forth with him. "I love him" "I hate him" for awhile there during the nut phase she "loved" a differet guy every other week.
 "the other man" she is/was on and off with two there was a few other guys mixed in there but there all but gone now, she has pretty much only been with "Daddy" for at least three months now. I understand because she had he first born when she was 21 and her and "Daddy" had only been together for like a month of two before she got preggo, so she never really had a chance to be wild and have fun. So I never held that nut phase against her and never judge her.
 But then I get the feeling that she judges me, and gets annoyed with me when I talk to her about things, I used sit through hours of her bitching about boys and her gossip about all that other behind the bedroom doors stuff but the ONE time I went to talk to her about something like that she got all annoyed cut me off and didn't want to hear it. I never went or will go "Nutty" like her. I just had a bad first date and she didn't want to hear it.
 I do A LOT, for her and her family. It's her, the two kids, "Daddy" then her Mother and her Step-Dad. I give her rides all the time when she wroked with me, but she lots her job now. So I'll let her use me car to go food shopping and do laundry or for whatever else. The Step-Dad is the only one who has a truck and it's his work company truck, his boss is only letting him use it so he can get to work.
 So I'm being really nice letting them use MY CAR, so they can do all this stuff, I'll help out around there house and I ALWAYS watch the girls. Half the time I'm there I'm waching the kids and Cat is doing whatever else. I'm starting to feel like I'm being taken for granted.
 There are times where Cat is very snappy with me, like she can't even have a conversation with me, or when she's helping me with something is likes she mad or annoyed or will yell at me. Tomorrow I'm suppose to help them so they cabn go to the laundry mat but after that I don't think I am going to be spending as much time with me. I'm a good person, I care for people and will do whatever I can to help the, but I DO NOT let anyone treat me poorly anymore.

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[1905] Flarm (121)
This is how I feel about bananas. I just thought the world should know.


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its been awhile (51)
 So i guess some time has passed since my last post, it's not that I haven't been writing it's just that I haven't been writing in here some things are just too personal to post to the world. Even tho you guys don't know how I am, you can never bee to careful.
 SOOOO anyway I have been writing in my book journals I am now up to three almost ready to start the forth one. I do like writing in here and it is a heck of a lot easier but there was a time where I could not get on here the site was down and I don't want that to happen again so I use both. Sometimes when I am having a bad day or going through a difficult time I go back to my journals and see what I have been through and have overcome and that usually gives me the strgenth to get through whatever it is I'm trying to get passed. Funny thing is most of the crap on here and in my books are about guys (not a bunch of them just two) Its mostly me writing about these two guys and what they did to me and how upset I was, about how so in love I was and that all they did was hurt me but I for some reason coudn't let go, now I read back and laugh at how ridicouls I was.
 Never again will I let a guy or anyone treat me like those two did, half of these posts are either about Cancer (nickname to the last one) or Sly (not a nickname I have him but his own) Sly and I are and have been on good terms still, hes still harry pottering it up a the house though. Cancer according to my sister flipped her and Heather (the other woman) off the other night.
 Apparently my sister and her were on there way into Seaside Pub, walking from the parking lot when Cancer "speed in and spun his car around, I though he was going to crash that's how fast he was going. He starried at Heather and I then flipped us off and speed off" That's about word for word what my sis said, now I do be;ieve some of that but I can't always believe 100% of what she says, shes been known to instigate. I don't really care tho. It's been a little over a year since I told him off and told him how I really felt.
 For three years I was his wipping girl, taking in all his abuse and dealing with his crazy bullshit, when I finally told him the truth about how he treated me and how blind he was, that he is the reason why he dosn't have many friends and why he can't keep a relationship but he denied it all. Completly blind to the truth, has no clue how he actually treats people or how mean he really is. But I'm over it and have been.
 I'm back to normal now, Ive even dated some wonderful guys but I'm not ready for that still, I'm working on me, getting my life in order. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet before I bring anyone else into my life.


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564 (111)
It's hard to say goodbye.
But I can't continue to make the same mistake I made for years.
I donno how to do them anyway.
I always come out passive agressive.
When all I want to do is cry.
Maybe it's the internet me trying to protect the real me.
I'm not sure.
I just know I hurt.
And I just can't continue to wear myself thin to try to save it.
I'm already sick enough.

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It's been 3 years (42)
Yesterday mom told me she has a lump on her chest, I saw it. She will be going to the doctors soon, not soon enough. 
last May I found out the man I had called my fiancé was sleeping with numerous women behind my back. He had lied to me, deceived me, used me and took advantage of my time. I spent time and money on him and it was all a waste. I loved him, with all of my heart. He was the first and last thought of my day. He is now dead to me. I would love nothing more than to see someone stab him! I'd even like to hit him with my car. For months I felt nothing but hatred, pain, agony, and stress from the garbage he left behind. When we met, I wasn't even interested in him, I didn't even care for him... But he made me fall in love with him. He met an independent, strong willed woman, and turned her into a fucking mess. He is only a piece of history now. We haven't spoken since May of 2013. And it will always stay that way. 
I love Ian, but I don't think He'll only want that. 

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paint. (72)
I painted my room this color, that's pretty neat. i can type better now, the nails were really keeping me from doing a lot. i feel so stretched out. i can't say there is something that i'm doing right. i don't feel confident in anything, i'm so insecure right now. i guess it's the new job and the fact that i still and probably won't ever trust him. that sucks. the new job is, the worst. for what i'm getting paid, damn. and i have a ba. fucking sucks. hahaha.
i always think i need someone next or close to me in order to be okay. this person, i don't know how to feel. i just don't trust him. even from the start i didn't trust them.
i feel like i don't have room to be myself. i can't be myself. i feel like everything is about him. it's really, i start to share something and as soon as i start i'm interrupted and he just takes over. when i prove a point, a damn solid good point, he just starts ranting on about the illuminati. he's never sober. hardly ever sober. i'm not going to lie, when he's sober he's inquieto, when his consciousness is altered he's more open to ideas and plans.
he feeds me, all the time. he gives me clothes, lets me use his clothes, his socks. 
that's it?
there's this struggle, this struggle within me that i can't allay. what the fuck am i doing?
things have changed and i guess i just, i'm more awake than before. i want to change things. i can't do this forever, i'm going to do something soon, and i might not feel safe but it must be done. i have that feeling, it's similar to when i quit my last job. similar to when i've broken up with my exes. just like when i decided to stop playing soccer. 
i want to go to school. real school. i want to pursue an ma in something i love.
i love the history of central and south america. the class i took three years ago had literature that needed one to look to the past to understand the awesomeness of the pieces. i want that. i want that over and over again. i want that again and again. to write. i hate writing. i like talking and connecting. i really enjoy listening. what good is it if i don't write? what can i prove? what am i trying to prove?
can't i just get paid to go to classes? i'll do the homework. 
i would love to go to berkeley.
i feel so, i don't know how to explain it.
i feel like i've wasted a lot of time. i'm comfortable. i don't want to be comfortable. i want to learn. i want room for myself. i want the respect i deserve. i want dignity. i want to be recognized as being the person that i am. 
is the relationship i'm in fulfilling those desires?

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1290 (70)
Sometimes, when I look at Tootsie Rolls, esp the bigger fat ones with their own little piece of protective cardboard inside the package, I remember the toilet we once had on the front porch at Halloween where we put lots of mushed and melted Tootsie Rolls all over it and inside..... 
I love Halloween.
I love Tootsie Rolls still too.
Raided the kids' bags when they weren't looking, which was hard, cuz they are usually always looking, or if they are like Gunner they carry their trick or treat bag with them all over the house. 
I just wore the two costumes I bought on sale at the Halloween store the year before.  One is a brown Eskimo girl outfit, my favorite wore it to most of the costume parties the Stake, YSA, and Institutes held. The other is the pink leopard print cat one.  Same size but the pink one seemed to be a little too tight. 
Well, the roommate is out.  No last act of revenge or anger, even when I told her I was only giving $60 of her deposit back.  Using the rest to replace the carpet.  Its either give her the money or get new carpet, which it was new when she moved in.  I'd rather have the carpet.  I even took some money out for new pots she burnt spaghetti sauce into and something to clean up my dryer...  I think my washer needs a good cleaning too after all her mildewy clothes.  Maybe I should've taken more money out... 
Whatever.  Its done!  Its over!  Not my problem anymore.  Never have to deal with that again. 
Until I forget about my roommate experience and want to get another one.
My dog seems to like life better also with the roommate gone and Claine here.  He likes Claine.  Cassie stopped by to get her mail the other day and Max beelined it up the stairs again at seeing her face.  I think things are less tense around here with her gone...
Currently Claine is hanging out at my place while he does this mandatory training or something at Williams and while I dont have a roommate. Thas a little weird.  I don't understand my sisters' husbands.  I dont know how to communicate with them.  It'd be just as awkward as trying to live with/communicate with Art.  All I know is that boys like food.  So I bought lots of food and stole lots of junk food from Halloween which seems to appease him. 
I'm figuring out the whole mortgage and bills things without any rent help.  That's interesting.  But it seems to be okay even with the holidays coming up.  I mostly bought Christmas in Oct anyways.  I still had rent money to help me then... And I even paid unexpected bills like the carpet and fixing the car to pass inspection and dog pills and doctor bills, etc.  I must've paid my tithing...
All in all I think things are going better in life.  Less stress, so much less stress in fact my period is just itching to come.  Its driving me nuts.  Usually I'm so stressed it refuses to come.  But not this month apparently... I get cravings for dry food like crackers, thats new, my hormones go all whack and I cant find anything that will make me content, want to watch random movies all the time, odd pains in my uterus, wanting to blast music all the time, gas-y and all of this is before the actual period mind you.  It hasn't come and it prolly won't for another 4-5 days.
Meanwhile, I get to celebrate Veterans Day by my annual being poked, grabbed, and scraped in inappropriate places and then going to work....  yaaayyy....

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[1883] Because (65)
Beeeecause sometimes when I need to stop being stupid and sad and laugh instead.. I think of this scene from HIMYM and it works every time.. okay 60% of the time it works every time...

or is it just me?

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Untitled (40)
Depression is not about being mentally weak. Being depressed, is being depressed while things in ones life should make you happy. When things are on the right track so to say. 

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Untitled (42)
Getting really tired of school . Whether its the failure of liberalism or the over compensation of conservatism. Marx was wrong when he said PHILOSOPHY WAS DEAD. Ideology is only a particular.

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[957] i want your ugly (305)
how do you fuck up that badly
all you had to fucking do was not overreact like a little bitch and that was, of course, the first thing you did. like did you even stop and fucking think.

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563 (75)
You know what I hate more then these nu wave feminists?
Social Justice Warriors.
You want to know why?
I didn't think they could be worse bigots then the fem-nazis.
But they are.
And I want to tell each and every one of them off.
Go fuck yourselves.
You're pieces of shit.
You will never amount to a thing.
The real scum of the Earth isn't the people that you attack with a brain.
It's you.
So, shut the fuck up.
And leave me the fuck alone.

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1289 (68)
Okay, I even admit at times I think the things I say about boys and dating are cliche and perhaps over exaggerated. 
But the longer I live the more I realize these cliches are so true and not so exaggerated.  I'm not being all drama, its true!
So the typical things to ask about/avoid are the boys that live at home in their parents basement and play video games all day long with no job or a mediocore job that they seem content with for the rest of their lives and esp if they are 30+ years old, right?
We want an educated guy that is in a professional career by age 30, has priorities and balances his time between work and play nicely. We want a guy that is independent, living on his own who actually owns something valuable like a car or house, not deep in debt leasing such valuable items.  We want a man who loves his mother, but does not live with her.  A man with a backbone, a leader, assertive and productive, knows what he wants and works toward it, a man that progresses! 
So I went to a Halloween dance last night and within the last half hour of the dance a guy asked me dance and asked for my number.  Based on what we talked about during our 'dance', I'm gonna have to say this isn't going to work out, but I believe in giving guys a chance. 
He said he graduated HS in 2001, which is how he asks and answers the whole 'how old are you' question.  Of course, that question comes up a lot and quickly when it comes to me....  But that makes him 31 years old and I thought, technically he's not supposed to be at this dance simply b/c of his age... and then he mentioned that he -used- to live in the area, as in the area of invited ppl to this dance... and then I asked where he lived now and he said he lived with his parents.... "I know I know I should move out by now..."
Things weren't going well from the get go.  We won't even mention the 'circling me like a hawk' scene he created before he got the guts to ask me to dance.  
So I changed gears, 30+ yr old living with parents, we can...we can get past that right? Let's move on to careers!  I asked where he worked.  He said the school district, now I can't see him as a teacher, so I asked what he does there, and he said he's the janitor.  My inquiry stops there, mostly for obvious reasons, but he, the genius he is like most males, decides to continue talking saying something damning along the lines of 'I could be like an assistant janitor and move up the chain, but I dont really want to, its a lot more responsibility.'
Boy, that is so attractive.  A boy with a HS education job as a career and no desire to progress and/or do better.  We won't even get into the fact he has no idea what my career is.  I won't even ask if he went to college. 
Needness to say, I got all the information I needed from that one dance/convo.  But of course, he asked for my number afterwards.  I dont want to be a hypocritical coward like the boys so I said yes.  I'll give him a chance.  A small one. 
Please dont tell me you dont have your license or you dont have a car to pick me up for a date. Please dont actually tell me you are borrowing you parents car if thas the case.  And if you ask me to meet you somewhere, its over.
So there is it kids.  My cliche come to life and I totally did not exaggerate! 
The dance was fun tho.  Camille and I went together.  We new friends now I guess.  We hooked up with Leslie while we were there and had fun.  The costumes were absolutely hiliarious and wonderful.  I was glad I went if just to people watch and see others' costumes. 
The funny part about Camille and I going to together, the last half hour during the I swear the ONE slow song I heard all night (thankfully) we both got asked to dance and they both asked us for our number and the two boys that asked us were both dressed as Jason, but they couldn't wear their masks (rules) so they were both in jumpsuits.  Camille thought I was telling her the guy she was dancing with asked for my number, when in fact it was an entirely different Jason/boy that danced with me and asked for my number.  
The next day he texted and said he wanted to go out with me that night.  I told him the days I wasnt available, which was that day, but he still asked, "What you doing tonight?" Oy vay.  Why do I speak/text if he doesn't hear it?  I was looking forward to a night by myself, the only night I'd have this week to do what I wanted to do at the house, but noooo.  Can't have that, can I?  Have to go out with a janitor. We all know it was the janitor in those murder mysteries! 
He obviously had something in mind to do that night, which is better than picking me up and then asking me what I wanted to do.  I figgered I'd get it over with quickly instead of thinking about it for a few days.  So I said I'd make time, I pushed the time back a few hours cuz I knew I could only last like 3 hours with him.  He continued to text during the day to keep the convo up by asking about my siblings, again. He asked last night, in text the next day, and then the whole night of the date.  He was awfully interested in my siblings. Weird.
We went to a local place I've never heard of Shivers or something where they had a variety at silly prices considering you could make all those items at home basically.  But I got a grilled ham and cheese sandwhich for like $3.19 and water.  I'm stuck on grilled cheese again.  Comfort food.   He got some pizza tortilla thing and fries with a giant drink.  I finished first, amazingly, and decided to stare at my date as he ate instead of the other way around for once. Food was the last thing from my mind.  I kept staring that clock.  
I guess I decided to play shy because I didn't talk much.  I had to consciously tell myself not to do that stupid smile and giggle thing I always do when I dont know what to say/do.  Eventually I consciously had to tell myself to not talk cuz when you are nervous or bored or whatever you say stupid things.  Like he was. I figgered I'd let him spill it all out. I was unimpressed by his broken bones, sports in high school, paper route, things that happened to him forever ago, his siblings' married with children lives and his parents, always his parents, why? because he lives with them.  You talk most about your daily life which invovles his parents eveyr day. I prolly didn't seem like a cute nice friendly approachable smily girl he thought I was. Hopefully.  Finally.  
Just a hint guys.  Don't take a girl somewhere to do something you dont know how to do.  It is unimpressive and boring as hell.  Esp if its dancing!  We did the same steps over and over and over for an hour.  I was going to go mad and strangle him.  Everyone else around us at least switched up the moves every once awhile.  I did the same thing over and over.  I stopped trying after the first redunant cha cha dance.  I just walked the whole dance and avoided his feet so he wouldn't step on my toes, which he did, a lot.  Mostly just standing near me, not actually dancing.  I dont think he understands the personal bubble concept. Always in my face. I kept leaning away from him or scooting away.   
I finally broke around 10pm and hinted to take me home. I did it.  I survived. Literally, the ride in his car both times was scary.  Not that he drove fast and crazy, he was a drifter, always drifting into another lane. He was spending too much time trying to look at me and talk.  I stared at the road as a hint for him to keep his eyes on the road.  
I got home and felt drained. I felt so somber and calm I'd swear we smoked a joint and I mellowed out since my day at work.  I was stressing out at work.  The things I wanted to do that night that I couldnt, the date, and my roommate trying to agrue and justify her way out of receiving her deposit back after everything she destroyed.  I tried to be assertive and protect my things, my carpet I invested in, but she is mean and aggressive and I have a hard time winning those situations. Its an uphill battle, but I will try b/c I dont deserve that treatment. It was making me more and more angry thinking about the things she destoryed and her entitled attitude toward her deposit.  I tried to remain calm.  Cold sweats. Clammy hands. I tried to calm down before the date, took the dog for a walk.  But now at like 10:30pm, as the day ends, I feel nothing.  I feel empty.  I used the last of my energy on this Dan guy and I feel dull now.  But maybe I was calm enough to sleep. 
It wasn't totally uncomfortable with him, he was nice, friendly banter, but it definitely wasn't an attractive kind of thing either.  We talked about the cold.  I said I liked it.  He said he didn't.  He said "I dont have a stitch of fat on me.  I'm always cold."   Gee, thanks, as the fat girl sits next to you. He was short and skinny.  Too skinny.  His face could be like a skeleton, bones poking out everywhere.  *shudder*
Its not like I totally used him for a free meal.  Even a janitor can afford $11 for dinner right?  $3 being my meal? He just bought a new 2013 Honda Civic tho.  Those are expensive and easily stolen. I can't afford one nor have one in my neighborhood.  But of course at age 31 he finally bought a new car he'll spend forever paying off.  What does he do with his money before?  How can you work your life away and still not own anything at age 31?  Evan bought a car last year too, the only thing he really owns, but is still paying off.  I dunno. Maybe too quick to judge.  
Epic and subtle line of the night you'd expect a high schooler to say, "I help my parents out by paying the cable bill and everything."  He also admitted to attempting to Facebook stalk me.  Great, juss great.  See why I dont have Facebook?

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Jack Bruce - OCT, 25, 2014

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twenty. (79)
after four days of laying in bed begrudgingly due to a "severe" cold, I'm finally feeling okay enough to roll out from under the blankets 
also, can I just say that tylenol cold & flu ain't got SHIT on Nyquil. 
Nyquil fo' life. 
And I guess Dayquil. 
I'm supposed to be throwing a party tonight but eh. 

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1287 (51)
"If you find it’s me you're missing, if you’re hoping I’ll return.
To your thoughts I’ll soon be list’ning, and in the road I’ll stop and turn.
Then the wind will set me racing as my journey nears its end.
And the path I’ll be retracing when I’m homeward bound again.
Bind me not to the pasture, chain me not to the plow.
Set me free to find my calling and I’ll return to you somehow. "
-Homeward Bound:  Marta Keen
An Invitation:
"Rise up, follow me,
Come away, is the call,
With the love in your heart
As the only song;
There is no such beauty
As where you belong;
Rise up, follow me,
I will lead you home."
-The Road Home: Stephen Paulus
Goin' home, goin' home, I'm a goin' home;
Quiet-like, some still day, I'm jes' goin' home.
It's not far, jes' close by,
Through an open door;
Work all done, care laid by,
Goin' to fear no more.
Mother's there 'spectin' me,
Father's waitin' too;
Lots o' folks gather'd there,
All the friends I knew,
All the friends I knew.
Home, I'm goin' home!
-Goin' Home : Antonin Dvorak

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1286 (47)
I'm stressing.  Again.  Of course.
This never seems to end.  But its not making me any skinner like stress used to do.  Grr.
If I'm not freaking out about not having money because I wont have a roommate the next two months during the holidays then I'm freaking out about the money and/or the fact my car hasn't passed inspection yet and if I'm not stressing about my car and money then I'm stressing about the financial and emotional impact of my dog dying, or worse, not that he's dying, but that he's alive and in pain. 
Notice each stress has a financial issue attached to it.  I can't juss think about the emotional consequences of a decision, that's not enough stress obviously, there has to be financial consequences attached to it somehow. 
Last night was a bad night.  A sleepless one for both me and Max. 
Lately Max doesn't sleep so sound.  For being mostly deaf, he doesn't knock out on the floor dead asleep, nothing to disturb him like he used to.  He gets up every few hours and drinks and drinks....  He lays on the floor again for another hour or two a few moans and groans every now and then when he stretches.  He is obviously not sleeping, at least not very well if I hear him moan and groan every few hours and/or gets up and drinks.  Usually it was only once a night he got up to drink, but last night was three times.  I guess its time to admit he is drinking more than usual, but I think its more out of pain/boredom than anything else... 
When he moaned and groaned on the floor because his ear hurt I couldn't stand it for more than one night.  I took him to the doc the next day.  Because I knew there was a solution to an ear infection.  But this moan and groan is probably pain in his bones and I'm not sure there's much else I can do for him.  I think maybe its the weather changing.  Its getting colder.  It hurts bones more when it gets colder.  And maybe its supposed to rain this week, sometimes my bones act up when it rains or is about to.  I am amazed how fast this has declined since I took him to the doctor the first time this summer.  He seemed to be going along fine cept for his 'stress breathing' and then I took him to the doc and got on pills and like two months later he seems a whole lot worse than when he was not on pills.  I can't help but wonder and make excuses for his behaviors and calling them temporary. 
I juss called the doc office and they said this is the highest dose of non-steriod anti-inflammatory meds Max is allowed to be at, after this medication does not work anymore, you have to go to a straight steriod.  Apparently, none of this has to do with the pain killer medication.   
Which that answers my question.  If this medication stops working for him it is my decision not to take him to the straight steriod and just end his pain.  But if this Rimadyl has already stopped working for him, my only evidence being is he isn't sleeping during the night, prolly not during the day either but I have no proof of that, then I think its time.  
I keep asking God what to do but maybe its just a big fat package of denial falling on my head.  Maybe its time and I'm running and I'm running and I'm screaming no no no.  He's already told me.  Its all denial and pure selfishness.  I want him.  I want to keep him.   He's mine.  Not yet.  Dont make me give him to you. Not now.  Not before the holidays. Don't leave me alone. Not now. 
You have no idea how many times I've laid in bed and cried and mourned over a dog that isn't dead yet.  I can't do this much longer.  My thoughts take me into deep dark holes.  It eats me inside and out and I can't tell which would be worse, the pain of keeping him alive or the pain of knowing I'm the one who decided to end his life.  This seems like a forgiveness situation on either end. 
I am buying another 30 pills of each medication today as if the medication is still working for him.  I just bought him a bag of dog food yesterday.  I feel like he has to go at least another month.  I'd prefer another two months.  But frankly, I have to take this one day at a time, one night at a time.  Its a race to see who breaks first, the one who is in pain who might actually cry, or the one who can't stand to hear or see the pain.  Max never really cries out in pain, cept at the docs office, and when he does he comes home and has nightmares about it and cries in his sleep.  I'm not sure his physical, daily pain is going to reach that point that he'd cry either in sleep or not, but do I want to see if it will get to that point or not?
One day at a time.
One night at a time.
Who will break first?
Not yet. Not now.  Don't leave me alone in that house.
A horrible part of me thinks about how much of a burden it will lift off of me if/when he passed away.  I'm sure I'm not the only horrible being who has thought this about a loved one.  I'm sure some feel that way with an aging parent or a disabled child.  We are only human.  But it still feels horrible to think.  I'm sure God wouldn't think that way.  We are so far from perfect. 
I know I know.  "Its just a dog."  As some would say. "Just go get another one."  I read somewhere that is the worst thing you can say to a greiving pet owner. 
Its easy for most people to say this.  I picture my family members saying this to me.  I know most ppl think it at least, if they aren't dumb/brave enough to say it outloud. 
I just want to say:  Its easy for you to say that.  You have someone to come home to.  There's someone at home that is actually excited to see you.  You have someone that cares if you come home or not.  You are needed at home. 
Nobody will care if I go home or not after work. Nobody will even notice if I didn't come home at night, or even for a few days.  No one expects me at the door at a certain time.  No one is excited to see me.  No one needs me.  I have nothing but an empty dark house to return to at night in the winter.  There's a point that I dont even want to go home anymore cuz it just reminds me of a time when there was someone there, someone that cared, someone that needed me.  Now there's nothing. 
Its like a bad breakup.  You think of all the things that will end, all the things you'll miss. 
I'm going to open the door and forget there is no one to greet me. 
I'll see his red bed there on the floor and picture his sleeping body curled up in it and remember he'll never sleep there again, might as well shove it away in a closet so as not to be reminded. 
I'll see water and food and remember there is no one to eat it or drink it anymore, might as well put it away.
I'll see the dog food on the floor, almost a full bag, remembering the hopes I had for him to finish it, and shove it in a closet. 
I'll see the patches of dog hair on the carpet think to myself I need to vaccum knowing that the hair will never return like it had so many times before. 
I see all his brushes and shampoos and dog treats and swiftly shove them all in a box in the closet. 
I'll walk past the door and remember there is no reason to open it and that it might be slightly ridiculous to say "potty" after opening the door.  No more sneak peeks at the neighbors and what they do at different times of night. 
I'll sit and watch TV and look at the clock and suddenly remember its time for the dogs medicine he's prolly been waiting for all day long and then I'll remember that he is gone and doesn't need the medication anymore. 
I'll see his red blanket in my bedroom on the floor covered in his hair and remember his sleeping position on it and wonder how or if I'll ever be able to get his hair out of the blanket completely to use for something else.  I wonder if I could stand to see it used for something else.
I'll see the food and water I put in my bedroom for him and promptly dump it down the drain and shove the food away in the closet. 
I'll see the edge of my bed covered in black dog hair and remember the movements the dog made that would wake me up.  The way he leaned into the bed as he lowered himself to the ground at the bottom of my bed. The way he'd put his chin on my bed to get my attention and wake me up.  The way he nudged my hand or elbow with his nose.  The way he put his head in my hand.
I'll see his leash and dog bags and realize I'll never see the outside world, the neighborhood anymore cuz I'll never have any reason or desire to go on a walk without him.  I'll never just be outside in the condominium so I can catch and talk to others who happened to be out and about.  I'll never enjoy the weather like I had. I'll never see him excited to go on a walk ever again. 
I'll see my roller blades and remember the times we had together when he pulled me down the streets of downtown when he was younger. 
I'll get in my car and look in the back seat and see all the white and black hairs he left that seem permanent no matter how many times I vaccum, they are still there, and I'll realize he'll never get in my car again and prolly realize the last time he was in my car he was dead.
I got it all planned out it seems.  It runs over and over and over in my head.  I thought if I wrote it down like this it'd go away.  This isn't even all the scenarios I have in my head about how he can pass away by himself, stress thoughts.  We all know he isn't going to go on his own.  I'm going to have to decide, there is only one scenario, I can stop thinking of the others.  I can't turn my brain off.  I can't stop wondering if he is at home in pain, not being able to sleep again while I'm at work.  I cant stop wondering what he is thinking or feeling in the middle of the night when I hear him groan.  I cant concentrate on anything else. I cant stop wondering what will help him, if anything.  I cant stop the feeling of guilt that bombards me as if I did something wrong on purpose.  I can't stop crying, I can't stop praying. 
Like a bad break up.  The feeling of no purpose in life but to work.  I'll go to work and come home to a dark house in the winter and crawl in bed and never leave it until its time to work again.  And so on and so forth. The crying feels like it will never end, and when it does there will be nothing else there, nothingness.  Empty. Maybe a shower here and there, the possible urge to eat something in the middle of the night, sitting in the dark staring at the wall wide awake at 4am, no desire or effort to go to YSA, maybe to church on Sundays.
When Evan left me this last spring he said, "As long as you have your car and your dog, you'll be fine." 
During the week Evan asked how things were going. At the time I did not have my car, it was being repaired in order to pass inspection, and my dog is on the downhill.  I was not fine. 
I know I can survive a bad breakup, so I know I will survive a death of a loved one. 
I just dont know if I can survive deeming a time and place for that loved ones death, having it be my decision, living with that forever.  I dont know if I can continue life knowing he's in pain and not knowing how much pain.  I dont know if I can stand to hear his moans and groans and possible cries in the night.  I can't do this God.  I can't.  I can't continue to grieve for my dog that isn't gone yet.  I can't cry myself to sleep every night til he is gone and then cry myself to sleep every night afterwards because he is gone.  I dont have the strength, the hope, to continue on. You know I can't deal with the pain of animals or children.  You made me extra sensitive to these things.  You know that.  You put me in these day and time because you knew I wouldn't make it in the time periods where you relied on animals for everything, food, transportation, money, etc. 
Geez, I keep thinking to myself, Its just a dog, you are being so dramatic about it. 
He's my baby.  My kid.  My source of worry.  My little financial investment.  My source of purpose in life.  Someone that needs me.  He is a constant part of my life.  He is there, every day.  He has a schedule, a routine for me to follow.  He trusts me, almost to a fault.  He loves me no matter what, and I him. He is loyal to me and I to him. He drives me nuts at times and make me so happy at other times.  He and I have moments.  Those moments that make you smile and think "He's so cute and he's mine forever."  He's all I have.  Just like your kid you cannot just replace him.  You cannot just casually make the decision to end his life and pretend you didn't make the decision and pretend you didn't wonder how much pain he really was in. Just like a child he doesn't understand why you would do this to him.  His eager eyes confused and afraid.  He still thinks he is young, that he has a lot of life to live still.  He doesn't want to leave me. I dont want him to go either.
I need a drink.  And lots and lots of distractions.
I wish for one moment of clarity, a moment that I will just know.

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Untitled (289)
I feel like my heart is being carved out of my chest
ive been in this holding pattern for so long and I have to leave I have to leave I have to leave but I'm so fucking scared like always like always

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Here comes the Wah-mbulance again. (90)
Everyone's favorite, media princess, Anita Sarkeesian got her "Preach to the choir about how men are the salt of the Earth" session interrupted by a death threat.  This seems pretty par for the course for her as she claims to get these daily, but low and behold only actually produce them when it's extremely convenient to her, such as when she's raising money to do a project or when said project is losing it's grasp on common folk and she needs to ripple the water to get back into the main stream.  No death threat should be taken lightly.  It seems though that when people want to kill public figures... they just do it and not make it known to the world that it's going to happen.  I'm sure Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't at his favorite diner before shooting JFK, bragging about how he had plans to kill the president that day.  The Columbine shooters weren't talking about it before doing it that I recall.  That Sandy Hook shooter didn't leave a blog post up before shooting kids.  The threat involved was similar in nature to that guy from CA that went off and killed a bunch of people.  Who makes manifestos anymore?  This guy saw what the shooter in LA did.  Copied his favorite bits to make it seem threatening enough, and sent it in to keep Anita from showing up.  I doubt he had murderous intent. But here comes Anti-Gamers using this to further the idea that all gamers are sad, virgin, neckbeard, sociopaths.  No.  NO! Bad internets! BAD!  You do not go making assumptions based on singular people, who, might I add, never even mentions Gamergate in his little poem. Because when WE try to pull that on Feminists.  They sure as hell smack down immediately and make it well known that not all people who label themselves as feminists speak for feminism.
So we male, gamers would appreciate it greatly if you stop it with your hypocricy for thirty seconds and make it well known that this dude doesn't speak for all men/gamers in accordance to your own social justice rules.  Because if "Big Red", one of the most popular tropes of your ilk, "Doesn't speak for all feminists". Then how could you sit there and claim this person who wrote out the threat speaks for all of us?
Get the fuck out of our hobby and then maybe we gamers could get back to playing games with anyone who enjoys them. Male, Female, Black, White, whoever. We could do that again without you turning it into another social justice warrior weapon for your back asswards cause.
You douchebags fucking killed comedy.  One of my great escapes from your bullshit.  Only a matter of time before you kill gaming too judging by the way you work.
I'm going to go play super smash bros. for 3DS now.  Is that okay, feminists?  Should I check my privledge first before playing my game that has no god damned connection with misogyny what-so-ever, or do you wanna look at it for three seconds and make one up before I start?

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well that came out of nowhere! (70)
That feeling you get when you realize that your are like everyone else, and that alienation that you've felt all your life is simple a segment of your imagination. Why would your mind decide that you deserve to be different, what survival advantage do you get from thinking that you're unique? That doesn't make you better than everyone else. Sometimes, I understand video games' point systems. We all get the same points to spend accross many different interests. The wisest puts their points in self-relience. Thinking that you're the only reason you're miserable is a bit sado-masochist, no? That's why I'm different.

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nineteen. (63)
haunt season is officially underway. 
trying to fix our instagram and get some stuff together for marketing. 
I just want some more coffee to be perfectly honest. 
the news is coming out to shoot a spot on us. 
you know, at 4:30 in the god damn morning. 

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562 (104)
I kind of want to hide.
Did I do something wrong?
Am I being a bother?
Should I just go?
That's how I feel about now.
And I'm not sure what's wrong.
You don't talk to me anymore.
Maybe it is best if I leave.

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[1855] Cloudy with a Chance of Indecision (37)
Tim: geez your feet are still cold?
Me: yeeeeeeahhh
Tim: they feel like squishy ice cubes
Haha idk why that was so funny but i couldnt stop laughing
Leaving colorado tomorrow. This trip went by so fast but I'm ready to get back. So much to do and everything's been put on hold. I'm glad tim was able to see his grandpa now... he's been having really good days.. sometimes he has problems remembering things but overall he seems good.
Everything is so strange right now.  We've been married 6 years and every time we come out i felt the same.. on the outside looking in. And in the beginning i thought eventually it would change.. when it didn't every time we came out.. Whwn it remained exactly the same.. i felt it was hopeless. I thought something must be wrong with me that I can't seem to get close to my husband's family. I really just gave up thinking it would change. I accepted it was the way it was.. and now.. of course as usual.. when i need it least.. things change and make the current situation more and more confusing. Because i feel like they're finally seeing me for me. I feel like they actually like me. Especially his mom and dad. I used to get depressed when i thought.. God this is what i have to live with for the rest of my life? Being disliked based on someone else's opinion and there's nothing I can do about it?  And now i finally think things could change or have changed already but idk if it even matters anymore. 
It just makes me sad. It doesn't change anything but it frustrates me. This is something I wanted for a long time and now it seems too late. It doesn't seem like a big deal but when you marry someone you marry their family. And tim's family not being very receptive to me.. or at all receptive in the beginning. . Was really hard. Tim doesnt understand how hard it was because my family adores him. He gets nicer cards from my grandma than i do.  They love him. Everyone does.
I mean this little bit alone is frustrating and its not even the tip of the iceberg... so w hen people get married the first thing people tend to ask is "so when are you having babies??" When we got married all my family did was bombard us with the question.. i couldn't even say I had a stomach ache or my aunt would get excited thinking it was morning sickness. But tim's family never said a word. In 6 years.. even tim started thinking it was weird.  And of course this trip.. when the last thing I want them to do is ask that question.. it's asked 2 times by 2 different people. 
My family asked so much for years and then eventually the questions stopped. I'm not sure if i was more relieved or sad about that. Maybe a little of both. Maybe more sad. Especially then. But lately.. I'm okay with it. In fact..  i think i might just be okay with it period. Idk. There's things that seem more important right now. Like what the heck is my purpose? What should I be doing with my time? I know I'm pretty insignificant in reality but that doesn't mean i shouldn't try to find my place. The fact that it's taken so long is the most discouraging. . But maybe it's because I'm looking in the wrong places.. or going in the wrong direction. If you do everything the same nothing will change. I cant expect anything to change if i dont do something first. Or im just insane. 
Karen took a picture of us before she left.. her and Dennis and the boys went camping for the weekend... and she posted the pic on facebook. She's posted pictures of us before but this time tim's other family liked it and there were nice comments like "happy and lucky man!" And his mom said "yeah she is a doll. He is very lucky". And it's really nice but at the same time it sucks. Why is this happening now? I just want to press pause and walk away from all of this and not let the nice things cloud my judgment. Not let anything cloud it. But it's been so cloudy lately.

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Untitled (79)
I feel safer walking the streets at night than in the bedroom I painted espresso brown.
I feel safer taking drinks from a stranger than lying in this cold hard bed at night.
Though the darkness is safer, I never turn off the light.
I have longed for life in the violent worlds of favorite novels, for in them everything happens according to some divine authorial plan.
Though I may feel safer on the street... I own things, and care for the things of a loved one. I cannot abandon my post.
I am going insane.

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