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What's New At Sitdiary?
Spring Cleaning Apr 17, 2014

After moving hosts a while back, apparently a few things got neglected, so I took it upon myself to get stuff working again. As it turns out, it was nothing crazy, but so far I've fixed:

  • User Profiles
  • Comments Viewer
  • Friends Post Viewer
  • Buggy stuff behind the scenes

As always, my goal is to bring the back-end code for Sitdiary up to snuff, but for now -- at least stuff works.

 

Love,

 

Scott

 

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Recent Posts

 
its been awhile (1)
 So i guess some time has passed since my last post, it's not that I haven't been writing it's just that I haven't been writing in here some things are just too personal to post to the world. Even tho you guys don't know how I am, you can never bee to careful.
 SOOOO anyway I have been writing in my book journals I am now up to three almost ready to start the forth one. I do like writing in here and it is a heck of a lot easier but there was a time where I could not get on here the site was down and I don't want that to happen again so I use both. Sometimes when I am having a bad day or going through a difficult time I go back to my journals and see what I have been through and have overcome and that usually gives me the strgenth to get through whatever it is I'm trying to get passed. Funny thing is most of the crap on here and in my books are about guys (not a bunch of them just two) Its mostly me writing about these two guys and what they did to me and how upset I was, about how so in love I was and that all they did was hurt me but I for some reason coudn't let go, now I read back and laugh at how ridicouls I was.
 Never again will I let a guy or anyone treat me like those two did, half of these posts are either about Cancer (nickname to the last one) or Sly (not a nickname I have him but his own) Sly and I are and have been on good terms still, hes still harry pottering it up a the house though. Cancer according to my sister flipped her and Heather (the other woman) off the other night.
 Apparently my sister and her were on there way into Seaside Pub, walking from the parking lot when Cancer "speed in and spun his car around, I though he was going to crash that's how fast he was going. He starried at Heather and I then flipped us off and speed off" That's about word for word what my sis said, now I do be;ieve some of that but I can't always believe 100% of what she says, shes been known to instigate. I don't really care tho. It's been a little over a year since I told him off and told him how I really felt.
 For three years I was his wipping girl, taking in all his abuse and dealing with his crazy bullshit, when I finally told him the truth about how he treated me and how blind he was, that he is the reason why he dosn't have many friends and why he can't keep a relationship but he denied it all. Completly blind to the truth, has no clue how he actually treats people or how mean he really is. But I'm over it and have been.
 I'm back to normal now, Ive even dated some wonderful guys but I'm not ready for that still, I'm working on me, getting my life in order. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet before I bring anyone else into my life.

 

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564 (7)
It's hard to say goodbye.
But I can't continue to make the same mistake I made for years.
I donno how to do them anyway.
I always come out passive agressive.
When all I want to do is cry.
Maybe it's the internet me trying to protect the real me.
I'm not sure.
I just know I hurt.
And I just can't continue to wear myself thin to try to save it.
I'm already sick enough.

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paint. (7)
I painted my room this color, that's pretty neat. i can type better now, the nails were really keeping me from doing a lot. i feel so stretched out. i can't say there is something that i'm doing right. i don't feel confident in anything, i'm so insecure right now. i guess it's the new job and the fact that i still and probably won't ever trust him. that sucks. the new job is, the worst. for what i'm getting paid, damn. and i have a ba. fucking sucks. hahaha.
i always think i need someone next or close to me in order to be okay. this person, i don't know how to feel. i just don't trust him. even from the start i didn't trust them.
i feel like i don't have room to be myself. i can't be myself. i feel like everything is about him. it's really, i start to share something and as soon as i start i'm interrupted and he just takes over. when i prove a point, a damn solid good point, he just starts ranting on about the illuminati. he's never sober. hardly ever sober. i'm not going to lie, when he's sober he's inquieto, when his consciousness is altered he's more open to ideas and plans.
he feeds me, all the time. he gives me clothes, lets me use his clothes, his socks. 
that's it?
there's this struggle, this struggle within me that i can't allay. what the fuck am i doing?
things have changed and i guess i just, i'm more awake than before. i want to change things. i can't do this forever, i'm going to do something soon, and i might not feel safe but it must be done. i have that feeling, it's similar to when i quit my last job. similar to when i've broken up with my exes. just like when i decided to stop playing soccer. 
i want to go to school. real school. i want to pursue an ma in something i love.
i love the history of central and south america. the class i took three years ago had literature that needed one to look to the past to understand the awesomeness of the pieces. i want that. i want that over and over again. i want that again and again. to write. i hate writing. i like talking and connecting. i really enjoy listening. what good is it if i don't write? what can i prove? what am i trying to prove?
can't i just get paid to go to classes? i'll do the homework. 
i would love to go to berkeley.
i feel so, i don't know how to explain it.
i feel like i've wasted a lot of time. i'm comfortable. i don't want to be comfortable. i want to learn. i want room for myself. i want the respect i deserve. i want dignity. i want to be recognized as being the person that i am. 
is the relationship i'm in fulfilling those desires?
no.

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1290 (25)
Sometimes, when I look at Tootsie Rolls, esp the bigger fat ones with their own little piece of protective cardboard inside the package, I remember the toilet we once had on the front porch at Halloween where we put lots of mushed and melted Tootsie Rolls all over it and inside..... 
I love Halloween.
I love Tootsie Rolls still too.
Raided the kids' bags when they weren't looking, which was hard, cuz they are usually always looking, or if they are like Gunner they carry their trick or treat bag with them all over the house. 
I just wore the two costumes I bought on sale at the Halloween store the year before.  One is a brown Eskimo girl outfit, my favorite wore it to most of the costume parties the Stake, YSA, and Institutes held. The other is the pink leopard print cat one.  Same size but the pink one seemed to be a little too tight. 
Well, the roommate is out.  No last act of revenge or anger, even when I told her I was only giving $60 of her deposit back.  Using the rest to replace the carpet.  Its either give her the money or get new carpet, which it was new when she moved in.  I'd rather have the carpet.  I even took some money out for new pots she burnt spaghetti sauce into and something to clean up my dryer...  I think my washer needs a good cleaning too after all her mildewy clothes.  Maybe I should've taken more money out... 
Whatever.  Its done!  Its over!  Not my problem anymore.  Never have to deal with that again. 
Until I forget about my roommate experience and want to get another one.
My dog seems to like life better also with the roommate gone and Claine here.  He likes Claine.  Cassie stopped by to get her mail the other day and Max beelined it up the stairs again at seeing her face.  I think things are less tense around here with her gone...
Currently Claine is hanging out at my place while he does this mandatory training or something at Williams and while I dont have a roommate. Thas a little weird.  I don't understand my sisters' husbands.  I dont know how to communicate with them.  It'd be just as awkward as trying to live with/communicate with Art.  All I know is that boys like food.  So I bought lots of food and stole lots of junk food from Halloween which seems to appease him. 
I'm figuring out the whole mortgage and bills things without any rent help.  That's interesting.  But it seems to be okay even with the holidays coming up.  I mostly bought Christmas in Oct anyways.  I still had rent money to help me then... And I even paid unexpected bills like the carpet and fixing the car to pass inspection and dog pills and doctor bills, etc.  I must've paid my tithing...
All in all I think things are going better in life.  Less stress, so much less stress in fact my period is just itching to come.  Its driving me nuts.  Usually I'm so stressed it refuses to come.  But not this month apparently... I get cravings for dry food like crackers, thats new, my hormones go all whack and I cant find anything that will make me content, want to watch random movies all the time, odd pains in my uterus, wanting to blast music all the time, gas-y and all of this is before the actual period mind you.  It hasn't come and it prolly won't for another 4-5 days.
Meanwhile, I get to celebrate Veterans Day by my annual being poked, grabbed, and scraped in inappropriate places and then going to work....  yaaayyy....
 

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[1883] Because (33)
Beeeecause sometimes when I need to stop being stupid and sad and laugh instead.. I think of this scene from HIMYM and it works every time.. okay 60% of the time it works every time...
 





 
 
or is it just me?

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Untitled (13)
Depression is not about being mentally weak. Being depressed, is being depressed while things in ones life should make you happy. When things are on the right track so to say. 

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Untitled (9)
Getting really tired of school . Whether its the failure of liberalism or the over compensation of conservatism. Marx was wrong when he said PHILOSOPHY WAS DEAD. Ideology is only a particular.

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[957] i want your ugly (50)
how do you fuck up that badly
all you had to fucking do was not overreact like a little bitch and that was, of course, the first thing you did. like did you even stop and fucking think.

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563 (46)
You know what I hate more then these nu wave feminists?
Social Justice Warriors.
You want to know why?
I didn't think they could be worse bigots then the fem-nazis.
But they are.
Hardcore.
And I want to tell each and every one of them off.
Go fuck yourselves.
You're pieces of shit.
You will never amount to a thing.
The real scum of the Earth isn't the people that you attack with a brain.
It's you.
So, shut the fuck up.
And leave me the fuck alone.

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1289 (42)
Okay, I even admit at times I think the things I say about boys and dating are cliche and perhaps over exaggerated. 
But the longer I live the more I realize these cliches are so true and not so exaggerated.  I'm not being all drama, its true!
So the typical things to ask about/avoid are the boys that live at home in their parents basement and play video games all day long with no job or a mediocore job that they seem content with for the rest of their lives and esp if they are 30+ years old, right?
We want an educated guy that is in a professional career by age 30, has priorities and balances his time between work and play nicely. We want a guy that is independent, living on his own who actually owns something valuable like a car or house, not deep in debt leasing such valuable items.  We want a man who loves his mother, but does not live with her.  A man with a backbone, a leader, assertive and productive, knows what he wants and works toward it, a man that progresses! 
So I went to a Halloween dance last night and within the last half hour of the dance a guy asked me dance and asked for my number.  Based on what we talked about during our 'dance', I'm gonna have to say this isn't going to work out, but I believe in giving guys a chance. 
He said he graduated HS in 2001, which is how he asks and answers the whole 'how old are you' question.  Of course, that question comes up a lot and quickly when it comes to me....  But that makes him 31 years old and I thought, technically he's not supposed to be at this dance simply b/c of his age... and then he mentioned that he -used- to live in the area, as in the area of invited ppl to this dance... and then I asked where he lived now and he said he lived with his parents.... "I know I know I should move out by now..."
Things weren't going well from the get go.  We won't even mention the 'circling me like a hawk' scene he created before he got the guts to ask me to dance.  
So I changed gears, 30+ yr old living with parents, we can...we can get past that right? Let's move on to careers!  I asked where he worked.  He said the school district, now I can't see him as a teacher, so I asked what he does there, and he said he's the janitor.  My inquiry stops there, mostly for obvious reasons, but he, the genius he is like most males, decides to continue talking saying something damning along the lines of 'I could be like an assistant janitor and move up the chain, but I dont really want to, its a lot more responsibility.'
Boy, that is so attractive.  A boy with a HS education job as a career and no desire to progress and/or do better.  We won't even get into the fact he has no idea what my career is.  I won't even ask if he went to college. 
Needness to say, I got all the information I needed from that one dance/convo.  But of course, he asked for my number afterwards.  I dont want to be a hypocritical coward like the boys so I said yes.  I'll give him a chance.  A small one. 
Please dont tell me you dont have your license or you dont have a car to pick me up for a date. Please dont actually tell me you are borrowing you parents car if thas the case.  And if you ask me to meet you somewhere, its over.
So there is it kids.  My cliche come to life and I totally did not exaggerate! 
The dance was fun tho.  Camille and I went together.  We new friends now I guess.  We hooked up with Leslie while we were there and had fun.  The costumes were absolutely hiliarious and wonderful.  I was glad I went if just to people watch and see others' costumes. 
The funny part about Camille and I going to together, the last half hour during the I swear the ONE slow song I heard all night (thankfully) we both got asked to dance and they both asked us for our number and the two boys that asked us were both dressed as Jason, but they couldn't wear their masks (rules) so they were both in jumpsuits.  Camille thought I was telling her the guy she was dancing with asked for my number, when in fact it was an entirely different Jason/boy that danced with me and asked for my number.  
----------------------
The next day he texted and said he wanted to go out with me that night.  I told him the days I wasnt available, which was that day, but he still asked, "What you doing tonight?" Oy vay.  Why do I speak/text if he doesn't hear it?  I was looking forward to a night by myself, the only night I'd have this week to do what I wanted to do at the house, but noooo.  Can't have that, can I?  Have to go out with a janitor. We all know it was the janitor in those murder mysteries! 
He obviously had something in mind to do that night, which is better than picking me up and then asking me what I wanted to do.  I figgered I'd get it over with quickly instead of thinking about it for a few days.  So I said I'd make time, I pushed the time back a few hours cuz I knew I could only last like 3 hours with him.  He continued to text during the day to keep the convo up by asking about my siblings, again. He asked last night, in text the next day, and then the whole night of the date.  He was awfully interested in my siblings. Weird.
We went to a local place I've never heard of Shivers or something where they had a variety at silly prices considering you could make all those items at home basically.  But I got a grilled ham and cheese sandwhich for like $3.19 and water.  I'm stuck on grilled cheese again.  Comfort food.   He got some pizza tortilla thing and fries with a giant drink.  I finished first, amazingly, and decided to stare at my date as he ate instead of the other way around for once. Food was the last thing from my mind.  I kept staring that clock.  
I guess I decided to play shy because I didn't talk much.  I had to consciously tell myself not to do that stupid smile and giggle thing I always do when I dont know what to say/do.  Eventually I consciously had to tell myself to not talk cuz when you are nervous or bored or whatever you say stupid things.  Like he was. I figgered I'd let him spill it all out. I was unimpressed by his broken bones, sports in high school, paper route, things that happened to him forever ago, his siblings' married with children lives and his parents, always his parents, why? because he lives with them.  You talk most about your daily life which invovles his parents eveyr day. I prolly didn't seem like a cute nice friendly approachable smily girl he thought I was. Hopefully.  Finally.  
Just a hint guys.  Don't take a girl somewhere to do something you dont know how to do.  It is unimpressive and boring as hell.  Esp if its dancing!  We did the same steps over and over and over for an hour.  I was going to go mad and strangle him.  Everyone else around us at least switched up the moves every once awhile.  I did the same thing over and over.  I stopped trying after the first redunant cha cha dance.  I just walked the whole dance and avoided his feet so he wouldn't step on my toes, which he did, a lot.  Mostly just standing near me, not actually dancing.  I dont think he understands the personal bubble concept. Always in my face. I kept leaning away from him or scooting away.   
I finally broke around 10pm and hinted to take me home. I did it.  I survived. Literally, the ride in his car both times was scary.  Not that he drove fast and crazy, he was a drifter, always drifting into another lane. He was spending too much time trying to look at me and talk.  I stared at the road as a hint for him to keep his eyes on the road.  
I got home and felt drained. I felt so somber and calm I'd swear we smoked a joint and I mellowed out since my day at work.  I was stressing out at work.  The things I wanted to do that night that I couldnt, the date, and my roommate trying to agrue and justify her way out of receiving her deposit back after everything she destroyed.  I tried to be assertive and protect my things, my carpet I invested in, but she is mean and aggressive and I have a hard time winning those situations. Its an uphill battle, but I will try b/c I dont deserve that treatment. It was making me more and more angry thinking about the things she destoryed and her entitled attitude toward her deposit.  I tried to remain calm.  Cold sweats. Clammy hands. I tried to calm down before the date, took the dog for a walk.  But now at like 10:30pm, as the day ends, I feel nothing.  I feel empty.  I used the last of my energy on this Dan guy and I feel dull now.  But maybe I was calm enough to sleep. 
It wasn't totally uncomfortable with him, he was nice, friendly banter, but it definitely wasn't an attractive kind of thing either.  We talked about the cold.  I said I liked it.  He said he didn't.  He said "I dont have a stitch of fat on me.  I'm always cold."   Gee, thanks, as the fat girl sits next to you. He was short and skinny.  Too skinny.  His face could be like a skeleton, bones poking out everywhere.  *shudder*
Its not like I totally used him for a free meal.  Even a janitor can afford $11 for dinner right?  $3 being my meal? He just bought a new 2013 Honda Civic tho.  Those are expensive and easily stolen. I can't afford one nor have one in my neighborhood.  But of course at age 31 he finally bought a new car he'll spend forever paying off.  What does he do with his money before?  How can you work your life away and still not own anything at age 31?  Evan bought a car last year too, the only thing he really owns, but is still paying off.  I dunno. Maybe too quick to judge.  
Epic and subtle line of the night you'd expect a high schooler to say, "I help my parents out by paying the cable bill and everything."  He also admitted to attempting to Facebook stalk me.  Great, juss great.  See why I dont have Facebook?
 

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REST IN PEACE (20)
Jack Bruce - OCT, 25, 2014

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twenty. (36)
after four days of laying in bed begrudgingly due to a "severe" cold, I'm finally feeling okay enough to roll out from under the blankets 
 
also, can I just say that tylenol cold & flu ain't got SHIT on Nyquil. 
 
Nyquil fo' life. 
 
And I guess Dayquil. 
 
I'm supposed to be throwing a party tonight but eh. 
 
 

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1287 (29)
"If you find it’s me you're missing, if you’re hoping I’ll return.
To your thoughts I’ll soon be list’ning, and in the road I’ll stop and turn.
Then the wind will set me racing as my journey nears its end.
And the path I’ll be retracing when I’m homeward bound again.
 
Bind me not to the pasture, chain me not to the plow.
Set me free to find my calling and I’ll return to you somehow. "
 
-Homeward Bound:  Marta Keen
 
An Invitation:
"Rise up, follow me,
Come away, is the call,
With the love in your heart
As the only song;
There is no such beauty
As where you belong;
Rise up, follow me,
I will lead you home."
 
-The Road Home: Stephen Paulus
 
Goin' home, goin' home, I'm a goin' home;
Quiet-like, some still day, I'm jes' goin' home.
 
It's not far, jes' close by,
Through an open door;
Work all done, care laid by,
Goin' to fear no more.
 
Mother's there 'spectin' me,
Father's waitin' too;
Lots o' folks gather'd there,
All the friends I knew,
All the friends I knew.
Home, I'm goin' home!
 
-Goin' Home : Antonin Dvorak

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1286 (24)
I'm stressing.  Again.  Of course.
This never seems to end.  But its not making me any skinner like stress used to do.  Grr.
If I'm not freaking out about not having money because I wont have a roommate the next two months during the holidays then I'm freaking out about the money and/or the fact my car hasn't passed inspection yet and if I'm not stressing about my car and money then I'm stressing about the financial and emotional impact of my dog dying, or worse, not that he's dying, but that he's alive and in pain. 
Notice each stress has a financial issue attached to it.  I can't juss think about the emotional consequences of a decision, that's not enough stress obviously, there has to be financial consequences attached to it somehow. 
Last night was a bad night.  A sleepless one for both me and Max. 
Lately Max doesn't sleep so sound.  For being mostly deaf, he doesn't knock out on the floor dead asleep, nothing to disturb him like he used to.  He gets up every few hours and drinks and drinks....  He lays on the floor again for another hour or two a few moans and groans every now and then when he stretches.  He is obviously not sleeping, at least not very well if I hear him moan and groan every few hours and/or gets up and drinks.  Usually it was only once a night he got up to drink, but last night was three times.  I guess its time to admit he is drinking more than usual, but I think its more out of pain/boredom than anything else... 
When he moaned and groaned on the floor because his ear hurt I couldn't stand it for more than one night.  I took him to the doc the next day.  Because I knew there was a solution to an ear infection.  But this moan and groan is probably pain in his bones and I'm not sure there's much else I can do for him.  I think maybe its the weather changing.  Its getting colder.  It hurts bones more when it gets colder.  And maybe its supposed to rain this week, sometimes my bones act up when it rains or is about to.  I am amazed how fast this has declined since I took him to the doctor the first time this summer.  He seemed to be going along fine cept for his 'stress breathing' and then I took him to the doc and got on pills and like two months later he seems a whole lot worse than when he was not on pills.  I can't help but wonder and make excuses for his behaviors and calling them temporary. 
I juss called the doc office and they said this is the highest dose of non-steriod anti-inflammatory meds Max is allowed to be at, after this medication does not work anymore, you have to go to a straight steriod.  Apparently, none of this has to do with the pain killer medication.   
Which that answers my question.  If this medication stops working for him it is my decision not to take him to the straight steriod and just end his pain.  But if this Rimadyl has already stopped working for him, my only evidence being is he isn't sleeping during the night, prolly not during the day either but I have no proof of that, then I think its time.  
I keep asking God what to do but maybe its just a big fat package of denial falling on my head.  Maybe its time and I'm running and I'm running and I'm screaming no no no.  He's already told me.  Its all denial and pure selfishness.  I want him.  I want to keep him.   He's mine.  Not yet.  Dont make me give him to you. Not now.  Not before the holidays. Don't leave me alone. Not now. 
You have no idea how many times I've laid in bed and cried and mourned over a dog that isn't dead yet.  I can't do this much longer.  My thoughts take me into deep dark holes.  It eats me inside and out and I can't tell which would be worse, the pain of keeping him alive or the pain of knowing I'm the one who decided to end his life.  This seems like a forgiveness situation on either end. 
I am buying another 30 pills of each medication today as if the medication is still working for him.  I just bought him a bag of dog food yesterday.  I feel like he has to go at least another month.  I'd prefer another two months.  But frankly, I have to take this one day at a time, one night at a time.  Its a race to see who breaks first, the one who is in pain who might actually cry, or the one who can't stand to hear or see the pain.  Max never really cries out in pain, cept at the docs office, and when he does he comes home and has nightmares about it and cries in his sleep.  I'm not sure his physical, daily pain is going to reach that point that he'd cry either in sleep or not, but do I want to see if it will get to that point or not?
One day at a time.
One night at a time.
Who will break first?
Not yet. Not now.  Don't leave me alone in that house.
A horrible part of me thinks about how much of a burden it will lift off of me if/when he passed away.  I'm sure I'm not the only horrible being who has thought this about a loved one.  I'm sure some feel that way with an aging parent or a disabled child.  We are only human.  But it still feels horrible to think.  I'm sure God wouldn't think that way.  We are so far from perfect. 
I know I know.  "Its just a dog."  As some would say. "Just go get another one."  I read somewhere that is the worst thing you can say to a greiving pet owner. 
Its easy for most people to say this.  I picture my family members saying this to me.  I know most ppl think it at least, if they aren't dumb/brave enough to say it outloud. 
I just want to say:  Its easy for you to say that.  You have someone to come home to.  There's someone at home that is actually excited to see you.  You have someone that cares if you come home or not.  You are needed at home. 
Nobody will care if I go home or not after work. Nobody will even notice if I didn't come home at night, or even for a few days.  No one expects me at the door at a certain time.  No one is excited to see me.  No one needs me.  I have nothing but an empty dark house to return to at night in the winter.  There's a point that I dont even want to go home anymore cuz it just reminds me of a time when there was someone there, someone that cared, someone that needed me.  Now there's nothing. 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Its like a bad breakup.  You think of all the things that will end, all the things you'll miss. 
I'm going to open the door and forget there is no one to greet me. 
I'll see his red bed there on the floor and picture his sleeping body curled up in it and remember he'll never sleep there again, might as well shove it away in a closet so as not to be reminded. 
I'll see water and food and remember there is no one to eat it or drink it anymore, might as well put it away.
I'll see the dog food on the floor, almost a full bag, remembering the hopes I had for him to finish it, and shove it in a closet. 
I'll see the patches of dog hair on the carpet think to myself I need to vaccum knowing that the hair will never return like it had so many times before. 
I see all his brushes and shampoos and dog treats and swiftly shove them all in a box in the closet. 
I'll walk past the door and remember there is no reason to open it and that it might be slightly ridiculous to say "potty" after opening the door.  No more sneak peeks at the neighbors and what they do at different times of night. 
I'll sit and watch TV and look at the clock and suddenly remember its time for the dogs medicine he's prolly been waiting for all day long and then I'll remember that he is gone and doesn't need the medication anymore. 
I'll see his red blanket in my bedroom on the floor covered in his hair and remember his sleeping position on it and wonder how or if I'll ever be able to get his hair out of the blanket completely to use for something else.  I wonder if I could stand to see it used for something else.
I'll see the food and water I put in my bedroom for him and promptly dump it down the drain and shove the food away in the closet. 
I'll see the edge of my bed covered in black dog hair and remember the movements the dog made that would wake me up.  The way he leaned into the bed as he lowered himself to the ground at the bottom of my bed. The way he'd put his chin on my bed to get my attention and wake me up.  The way he nudged my hand or elbow with his nose.  The way he put his head in my hand.
I'll see his leash and dog bags and realize I'll never see the outside world, the neighborhood anymore cuz I'll never have any reason or desire to go on a walk without him.  I'll never just be outside in the condominium so I can catch and talk to others who happened to be out and about.  I'll never enjoy the weather like I had. I'll never see him excited to go on a walk ever again. 
I'll see my roller blades and remember the times we had together when he pulled me down the streets of downtown when he was younger. 
I'll get in my car and look in the back seat and see all the white and black hairs he left that seem permanent no matter how many times I vaccum, they are still there, and I'll realize he'll never get in my car again and prolly realize the last time he was in my car he was dead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got it all planned out it seems.  It runs over and over and over in my head.  I thought if I wrote it down like this it'd go away.  This isn't even all the scenarios I have in my head about how he can pass away by himself, stress thoughts.  We all know he isn't going to go on his own.  I'm going to have to decide, there is only one scenario, I can stop thinking of the others.  I can't turn my brain off.  I can't stop wondering if he is at home in pain, not being able to sleep again while I'm at work.  I cant stop wondering what he is thinking or feeling in the middle of the night when I hear him groan.  I cant concentrate on anything else. I cant stop wondering what will help him, if anything.  I cant stop the feeling of guilt that bombards me as if I did something wrong on purpose.  I can't stop crying, I can't stop praying. 
Like a bad break up.  The feeling of no purpose in life but to work.  I'll go to work and come home to a dark house in the winter and crawl in bed and never leave it until its time to work again.  And so on and so forth. The crying feels like it will never end, and when it does there will be nothing else there, nothingness.  Empty. Maybe a shower here and there, the possible urge to eat something in the middle of the night, sitting in the dark staring at the wall wide awake at 4am, no desire or effort to go to YSA, maybe to church on Sundays.
When Evan left me this last spring he said, "As long as you have your car and your dog, you'll be fine." 
During the week Evan asked how things were going. At the time I did not have my car, it was being repaired in order to pass inspection, and my dog is on the downhill.  I was not fine. 
I know I can survive a bad breakup, so I know I will survive a death of a loved one. 
I just dont know if I can survive deeming a time and place for that loved ones death, having it be my decision, living with that forever.  I dont know if I can continue life knowing he's in pain and not knowing how much pain.  I dont know if I can stand to hear his moans and groans and possible cries in the night.  I can't do this God.  I can't.  I can't continue to grieve for my dog that isn't gone yet.  I can't cry myself to sleep every night til he is gone and then cry myself to sleep every night afterwards because he is gone.  I dont have the strength, the hope, to continue on. You know I can't deal with the pain of animals or children.  You made me extra sensitive to these things.  You know that.  You put me in these day and time because you knew I wouldn't make it in the time periods where you relied on animals for everything, food, transportation, money, etc. 
Geez, I keep thinking to myself, Its just a dog, you are being so dramatic about it. 
He's my baby.  My kid.  My source of worry.  My little financial investment.  My source of purpose in life.  Someone that needs me.  He is a constant part of my life.  He is there, every day.  He has a schedule, a routine for me to follow.  He trusts me, almost to a fault.  He loves me no matter what, and I him. He is loyal to me and I to him. He drives me nuts at times and make me so happy at other times.  He and I have moments.  Those moments that make you smile and think "He's so cute and he's mine forever."  He's all I have.  Just like your kid you cannot just replace him.  You cannot just casually make the decision to end his life and pretend you didn't make the decision and pretend you didn't wonder how much pain he really was in. Just like a child he doesn't understand why you would do this to him.  His eager eyes confused and afraid.  He still thinks he is young, that he has a lot of life to live still.  He doesn't want to leave me. I dont want him to go either.
I need a drink.  And lots and lots of distractions.
I wish for one moment of clarity, a moment that I will just know.
 

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Untitled (65)
I feel like my heart is being carved out of my chest
 
ive been in this holding pattern for so long and I have to leave I have to leave I have to leave but I'm so fucking scared like always like always

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Here comes the Wah-mbulance again. (51)
Everyone's favorite, media princess, Anita Sarkeesian got her "Preach to the choir about how men are the salt of the Earth" session interrupted by a death threat.  This seems pretty par for the course for her as she claims to get these daily, but low and behold only actually produce them when it's extremely convenient to her, such as when she's raising money to do a project or when said project is losing it's grasp on common folk and she needs to ripple the water to get back into the main stream.  No death threat should be taken lightly.  It seems though that when people want to kill public figures... they just do it and not make it known to the world that it's going to happen.  I'm sure Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't at his favorite diner before shooting JFK, bragging about how he had plans to kill the president that day.  The Columbine shooters weren't talking about it before doing it that I recall.  That Sandy Hook shooter didn't leave a blog post up before shooting kids.  The threat involved was similar in nature to that guy from CA that went off and killed a bunch of people.  Who makes manifestos anymore?  This guy saw what the shooter in LA did.  Copied his favorite bits to make it seem threatening enough, and sent it in to keep Anita from showing up.  I doubt he had murderous intent. But here comes Anti-Gamers using this to further the idea that all gamers are sad, virgin, neckbeard, sociopaths.  No.  NO! Bad internets! BAD!  You do not go making assumptions based on singular people, who, might I add, never even mentions Gamergate in his little poem. Because when WE try to pull that on Feminists.  They sure as hell smack down immediately and make it well known that not all people who label themselves as feminists speak for feminism.
 
So we male, gamers would appreciate it greatly if you stop it with your hypocricy for thirty seconds and make it well known that this dude doesn't speak for all men/gamers in accordance to your own social justice rules.  Because if "Big Red", one of the most popular tropes of your ilk, "Doesn't speak for all feminists". Then how could you sit there and claim this person who wrote out the threat speaks for all of us?
 
Get the fuck out of our hobby and then maybe we gamers could get back to playing games with anyone who enjoys them. Male, Female, Black, White, whoever. We could do that again without you turning it into another social justice warrior weapon for your back asswards cause.
 
You douchebags fucking killed comedy.  One of my great escapes from your bullshit.  Only a matter of time before you kill gaming too judging by the way you work.
 
I'm going to go play super smash bros. for 3DS now.  Is that okay, feminists?  Should I check my privledge first before playing my game that has no god damned connection with misogyny what-so-ever, or do you wanna look at it for three seconds and make one up before I start?

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well that came out of nowhere! (36)
That feeling you get when you realize that your are like everyone else, and that alienation that you've felt all your life is simple a segment of your imagination. Why would your mind decide that you deserve to be different, what survival advantage do you get from thinking that you're unique? That doesn't make you better than everyone else. Sometimes, I understand video games' point systems. We all get the same points to spend accross many different interests. The wisest puts their points in self-relience. Thinking that you're the only reason you're miserable is a bit sado-masochist, no? That's why I'm different.

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nineteen. (37)
haunt season is officially underway. 
 
trying to fix our instagram and get some stuff together for marketing. 
 
I just want some more coffee to be perfectly honest. 
 
the news is coming out to shoot a spot on us. 
 
you know, at 4:30 in the god damn morning. 

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562 (69)
I kind of want to hide.
Did I do something wrong?
Am I being a bother?
Should I just go?
That's how I feel about now.
And I'm not sure what's wrong.
You don't talk to me anymore.
Maybe it is best if I leave.

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[1855] Cloudy with a Chance of Indecision (6)
Tim: geez your feet are still cold?
Me: yeeeeeeahhh
Tim: they feel like squishy ice cubes
 
Haha idk why that was so funny but i couldnt stop laughing
 
Leaving colorado tomorrow. This trip went by so fast but I'm ready to get back. So much to do and everything's been put on hold. I'm glad tim was able to see his grandpa now... he's been having really good days.. sometimes he has problems remembering things but overall he seems good.
 
Everything is so strange right now.  We've been married 6 years and every time we come out i felt the same.. on the outside looking in. And in the beginning i thought eventually it would change.. when it didn't every time we came out.. Whwn it remained exactly the same.. i felt it was hopeless. I thought something must be wrong with me that I can't seem to get close to my husband's family. I really just gave up thinking it would change. I accepted it was the way it was.. and now.. of course as usual.. when i need it least.. things change and make the current situation more and more confusing. Because i feel like they're finally seeing me for me. I feel like they actually like me. Especially his mom and dad. I used to get depressed when i thought.. God this is what i have to live with for the rest of my life? Being disliked based on someone else's opinion and there's nothing I can do about it?  And now i finally think things could change or have changed already but idk if it even matters anymore. 
 
It just makes me sad. It doesn't change anything but it frustrates me. This is something I wanted for a long time and now it seems too late. It doesn't seem like a big deal but when you marry someone you marry their family. And tim's family not being very receptive to me.. or at all receptive in the beginning. . Was really hard. Tim doesnt understand how hard it was because my family adores him. He gets nicer cards from my grandma than i do.  They love him. Everyone does.
 
I mean this little bit alone is frustrating and its not even the tip of the iceberg... so w hen people get married the first thing people tend to ask is "so when are you having babies??" When we got married all my family did was bombard us with the question.. i couldn't even say I had a stomach ache or my aunt would get excited thinking it was morning sickness. But tim's family never said a word. In 6 years.. even tim started thinking it was weird.  And of course this trip.. when the last thing I want them to do is ask that question.. it's asked 2 times by 2 different people. 
 
My family asked so much for years and then eventually the questions stopped. I'm not sure if i was more relieved or sad about that. Maybe a little of both. Maybe more sad. Especially then. But lately.. I'm okay with it. In fact..  i think i might just be okay with it period. Idk. There's things that seem more important right now. Like what the heck is my purpose? What should I be doing with my time? I know I'm pretty insignificant in reality but that doesn't mean i shouldn't try to find my place. The fact that it's taken so long is the most discouraging. . But maybe it's because I'm looking in the wrong places.. or going in the wrong direction. If you do everything the same nothing will change. I cant expect anything to change if i dont do something first. Or im just insane. 
 
Karen took a picture of us before she left.. her and Dennis and the boys went camping for the weekend... and she posted the pic on facebook. She's posted pictures of us before but this time tim's other family liked it and there were nice comments like "happy and lucky man!" And his mom said "yeah she is a doll. He is very lucky". And it's really nice but at the same time it sucks. Why is this happening now? I just want to press pause and walk away from all of this and not let the nice things cloud my judgment. Not let anything cloud it. But it's been so cloudy lately.
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Untitled (49)
I feel safer walking the streets at night than in the bedroom I painted espresso brown.
 
I feel safer taking drinks from a stranger than lying in this cold hard bed at night.
 
Though the darkness is safer, I never turn off the light.
 
I have longed for life in the violent worlds of favorite novels, for in them everything happens according to some divine authorial plan.
 
Though I may feel safer on the street... I own things, and care for the things of a loved one. I cannot abandon my post.
 
I am going insane.

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I swear, it was beautiful (38)
I always wanted to be a boy so much more than I ever wanted to be a man.

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Dear Gary Fan 329 (44)
Let my just spill my guts. Its been a very long time since I've done that.
Well as of Fall semester, I've come out as a lesbian and then bisexual. I am currently dating the guy I lost my virginity to (and honestly, I don't think its going anymore but I'm too much of a chicken to do it), and my parents are getting a divorce.
 
Oh hey - yeah. That happened. Let me start from the beginning.
 
Identifying.
Weirdest process ever. I don't know why the fuck its such a struggle though. I'm still currently battling self acceptance though. But I feel better, not broken anymore. And I really don't digust myself anymore, well most of the time I don't. Kinda just need to learn how to live and not worry about others. I feel like I've gone in the right direction though.
 
Divorce.
Yeah - I'm not dealing with it now. My father has found another woman, and wants to leave us. Granted I'm 21 and I shouldn't give a literal fuck. But I do. I hurt for my mom though. I really do. She gave that man 26 years of her life, all her work experience, she had breast cancer and has no breasts to speak of, and he leaves because he doesn't love her? That ruins a person. It really does. And I hate it. I almost hate him, until I see him. But what does it matter, eh.
 
Anywho - now onto positive things. I have things to look forward to, graduation, teaching a pledge class, making an impact on the LGBTQ community? It is amazing. Absolutely grand.

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I do perceive. (46)
Desperately looking for a job. Thats All

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561 [ we love our tragedies ] (58)
I think I'm taking this situation well.
Probably the most maturely I could take.
I'm at least proud of that.
But it still hurts.
A lot.
Past me is still in there.
I can feel her screaming.
Seething.
No matter how badly my head wants to hurt you.
My heart won't let it.
That's how much you mean to me.
I just hope that my words mean something.
And I truly hope you understand it all.
Honestly.

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[1851] Double Rainbows and Stuff (7)
 
Wrote that last entry yesterday and fell asleep. My phone hit me in the face. This tends to happen a lot.
 
Today wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. But I feel strange being here.
 
I'm just trying to stay in the moment. There's nothing I can do about anything going on right now.
 
Waiting for my hair to dry. Listening to The Graduate.. band not movie. The movie kinda creeps me out.
 
There is a picture on the wall of a lighthouse attached to a small house on the edge of a cliff by the ocean... surrounded by forest.  That would be amazing. Wake up every morning to the sounds of seagulls. Go to bed every night to the crashing of waves.
 
People like me shouldn't be allowed to read the bible by themselves. They should always have an interpreter. I take things too literally and I'm just now seeing that some things are just metaphors for life.. not actual situations. Now its all so obvious and I feel ridiculous for thinking othrewise. This would have been helpful earlier on.. I mean I don't blame anyone its not like I told them what I was taking from the lessons. People assumed I was smart enough then because I was in some areas but incredibly stupid and naive in others.
 
On Saturday we went to Tim's grandma's house and his moms side. The one who can never understand what I'm saying. I try talking loud but it hardly helps and Tim has to tell her what I am saying like an interpreter. We took her car to Tim's dads house because her breaks needed to be changed. He taught me how to do it. I took pictures of the cars in Tim's dads garage and sent them to Brandon and Patrick.. I sent the purple dart and silver GTO and another I forget the name of. I tried to find that mini motorcycle I rode into a ditch that one time but I couldn't find it. I want to ride it again.
 
Then we went with Tims aunts and grandpa to see his grandpas sister. They said it was a good day to go because he was doing better than he had in weeks and had a lot of energy. They hadnt told his sister he had cancer yet. They wanted to do it in person. It was weird though. We were only there about 30 minutes... maybe 45. She's a funny old lady and really nice. She's going to be 95 this year.. I feel bad that she lives alone.. but I guess she keeps busy.
 
We stayed at his aunts house and played that dominoes train game. They drink a lot. I drank half a mikes hard something or other and felt weird. I swear they each had like 10 beers each. Tim had 1. I think they think I don't like him drinking or something... but Tim just doesn't like beer that much... and it usually upsets my stomach and makes me weird. I had a headachee all day the next day.. from half.
 
On Sunday we went to Tim's grandmas again and his mom and dennis and his uncle and aunt and cousin and his family came over. His cousins wife is really nice. And their baby is freaking cute. I got some cute pictures of the baby and Tim's uncle playing on the floor. We ate smothered burritos and watched football. It wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. Especially since I got in a quick nap before everyone got there and slept off most of my headache. His grandma was in a good mood. For the first time ever I heard the question "When are you guys going to have kids".... of course. Luckily I wasn't in the room to answer. I put my headphones back in before I could hear Tims answer. Karen asked us later and I just lifted my hands and shrugged. Tim said something about getting into his new job.. and i guess that's a good enough excuse but its not the reason. His uncles wife dawn marie was being nice. She was nice last time but it was different this time. It didnt feel forced. It felt genuine. She even included me in on the family drama with Chris and his wife.. i guess there is a huge fued going on between her and his wife.. she showed me a bunch of awful texts she received from her... they were crazy.. a lot of the "c" word. I cant stand hearing that word or seeing it. Its the worst word. I've said some bad things to people in my life.. even people who I love. All of these things I regret.. even if I feel justified for feeling certain ways and wanting to hurt them back.. I still feel bad for the things I said.. but they werent even close to what this girl wrote.. and to her husbands mother... it was crazy.
 
Driving back to Tims moms I saw a double rainbow.
 
Now we're waiting for Tim's dad and his gf to drive back from the car auction in vegas. Nothing to do right now and its good because I need a break. Its hard enough to have a week of non stop social interaction... but its more stressful with tims family.. and even more stressful right now.. considering everything going on lately. I dont know how to act. I either feel fake or rude. I try to just remain in the moment and not think of the past or future or what might happen... I try to remind myself that I am there for Tim and that's all I need to think of right now.
 
Easier said than done. But I'm working on it.
 
At night I am too exhausted to really get anything done.
 
My stomach hurts grrr.
 
I have to go do thinggggs.
 
I miss my guitar. I was playing a little every day... its only been 4 days without it.
 
 
By the way... October is a cool month.. not only is it my birthday... but October 10th is also "Hug a Drummer Day". Probably ask first because drummers bite. But yeah you should totally do it... Drummers are like 3 legged hamsters.  I had a 3 legged hamster once and she was very nice and wobbled around her cage like a penguin with 1 leg... Or something. IOUs and rainchecks are accepted...
 
October 21st is my birthday. Well. I know what i want. A few things.. but you cant buy any of it in a store or out. Might as well be unicorns. I want a unicorn. 4 of them. Throw in a trip to Narnia and a vile of fairy dust.
 
There's always Christmas.
 
 

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560 [ being me means feeling scared to breathe ] (50)
the beating is quiet
tears slip down pale cheeks
overwhelming sorrow
this pain is like cold water
burning in my lungs
drowning
 
the beating is thundering
reaching to nothing
agonizing numbness
i'm drowning in these waves
screaming, breathing in
i'm drowning

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[1849] Then You Can Start (6)
Strange things are afoot. And stuff.
 
Here I am at 1:30am in Colorado. Can't sleep.
 
Life keeps getting put on hold. Questioned. Over-analyzed. I'm so sick of over thinking every little thing. It's just the waaaaaaaay I aaaaaammm (been listening to a lot of the song so contagious by acceptance anyways....). But that's why my trip has to happen. That's why it should have already happened. Should BEEEE happening. Waiting just gives me more time to think and question and I just wanted to stop everything and DO something I want to do. In the moment. I'm worried if i wait any longer I'll end up talking myself out of it. I have a lot of opportunities to stay with people while I'm there. Jaspar has people he knows in denmark and the netherlands. My mom knows a girl in Spain and another in Finland. Monica might still be over there but maybe not. Aruné is going to be in London but might be back in the US before I go. But i might ask her if the friend she's visiting in london would be open to letting me stay with her.. her friend also worked on an organic farm in Italy so it would be cool to hear a first hand experience and see if she could connect me with the same farm since she had such a great time. 
 
I was talking to tim's grandma.. the one who makes me nervous and i can never think of what to say.. and when i do say anything she squints her eyes and furrows her brow and says "i cant hear you.. can you hear her???" Uhg.. its not annoying... It's embarrassing. But anyways.. i eventually started shouting and without ever mentioning my plans... traveling randomly came up and she was telling me about all the different places she'd been. All over Europe and Asia and Australia and africa. She said if you can afford to travel.. do it because it is amazing. But it makes you appreciate the united states. I asked her what her favorite place she had been to was and she said she liked hong kong. And i think Egypt.  
 
Tomorrow is going to truly suck. Don't get me wrong.. i am happy tim gets to spend time with his family and i want to and everything but its so stressful and awkward. Tim's mom's side is going to get together at his grandmas.. at least 10 people. 10 people I hardly know. And know even less what to say to. I cant ever seem to get close to any of them. And i will be running on less than 5 hours of sleep probably because I cannot freaking sleep grr. Whyyyy you no go to sleep brain? I did hear talk of smothered burritos and that makes my tummys heart flutter.  My tummy holds its own heart. It's a mini heart and it sparkles. Powered by candy and powdered sugar. I'm extremely surprised i dont have diabetes. And extremely thankful. 
 
 
Speaking of things I love.. that are of the non edible persuasion.. my current mini obsessions of the week... the band acceptance and owl city. Jason Vega from acceptance and owl city's Adam Young make my heart soar. Or sore. Either is accurate. Owl city has been rotating in and out of obsessionation for years but recently he's made his way in more often than not. Adam Young is amazering by the way. I could listen to him sing, talk or breathe awkwardly in the dark for hours.

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In the dark (84)
  Sitting in the shower, letting the water hit me where it hurts, my body looks like a sound wave on its side, a rippling mess of mass. I’m warm, the water is too but that’s not it, my blood feels slow, like molasses, I feel weighed down but I’m doing it to myself, I’m the one sitting in the bathtub letting the water hit me. It’s my hand on the trigger. It’s my hands around my neck.
  I’m a difficult person. I don’t make small talk, and I’m perfectly happy being a room with someone, someone I don’t know very well and thus could open them up and read them like a book, maybe just the first chapter, hell, maybe even just the first page, but I don’t. I’m perfectly happy not knowing them. I don’t care about what their book is about, I’ve decided I’m not gonna buy it. I’m not even in the bookstore. I’m in the car, in the parking lot across the street, inside a box, inside of a bubble, with headphones on, blindfolded. 
  Out of the shower, take a proper amount of NyQuil so that I can fall asleep and stop being so warm, so weighed down. In dreams I'll be lighter than air. Maybe I’ll sleep naked? No, that’s fucking stupid. I’m definitely leaving the window open though, so that I can hear the midnight howl the soundtrack to my thoughts alone, in the dark. 

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eighteen. (58)
listening to staind takes me back to that place. 
woken up to my mom listening to staind in the living room on the surround sound. 
 
I'm not crying, you're crying.

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Musings. (69)
Sometimes I feel like I should be about 20 years older. My mom would be my sister/my grandma would be my mom, and I'd have gone to a shitload of concerts in the 1980s and dropped acid and been a much more functional human being.
 
Or, hell, my mom could've kept me. I'd probably be better off. Especially with all the case managers, social workers, etc who would have been checking up on us. Instead of all this abuse from everyone else. I would have been far enough away to not be the target of my molesters. Two of them, anyway...
 
I identify so much with Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds. That's who my last entry was about. I was born to a mother with schizophrenia. A very intelligent woman, who probably could have been a professor of 15th century literature if she hadn't had such a raw deal in the childhood department. Because of the abuse she suffered, and the abuse I suffered after her, she didn't reach her potential and neither did I reach mine. I was a genius as a kid. In informal tests my IQ registered in the 190s. I skipped enough grades in math that I had to take classes at the local high school when I was in middle school. I could have studied physics, engineering, all of it. I had the aptitude. I kept up the momentum through all the years of abuse. All the way until I was about fifteen. Slowly, over the course of middle school and high school, everything slipped away.
 
I always struggled with grades. Mostly because so much was based on homework, and because home was not a safe place to do school work (or anything at all, really, except be quiet and watch the tv and do anything requested of me, and just let the fear settle on my shoulders and become a familiar weight). 
 
My teachers saw that I had the aptitude but I guess they assumed that I didn't have the right attitude or something. My first teacher in the highly-capable program wrote me up on numerous complete bullshit "offenses." I really have absolutely no idea how in the fuck she was so wrong about everything all the time (or how someone with such a propensity can become a teacher -- although the last time I visited my old elementary school, she was working in the library...).
 
So many things could have been the one tiny thing that went differently and changed my whole life.
 
I watched child prodigies on shows like Oprah and specials on PBS. I knew I could be them. If only I had been given an instrument to play, a book to read, an equation to solve... and a safe place to do it in.
 
If only I had been seen and known for who and what I was. Instead of as the product of abuse and neglect that is so misunderstood by the world. Instead of a discipline case. Instead of someone failing to live up to their potential. Instead of a nuisance. Instead of a space-case. Instead of lazy.
 
If I could have been seen and known as a child being mistreated. As a person being given no nourishment outside of the physical. As someone whose constant abuse was beginning to degrade and destroy my mind, my ability to learn. As someone who wanted nothing more than to learn everything possible, and spread that knowledge along with love and kindness to all corners of the earth...
 
I lost my ability to learn when I was 14 and didn't get it back until I was 24.
 
I learned when I was 5 years old that I could be blamed for being a victim of sexual assault.
 
I didn't slip through the cracks, I was pushed.
 
 

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[1841] The Silence (24)
 
True Story..





 
 
I am going. I was hesitant. But. Its decided. Rain, snow, lions, tigers, dragons, ninjas... I don't care.
 
Because this is what Jeni's do on the internet when they are bored...
Drum solo.. not the best out there of this song but I am biased because the caution tape on the door reminds me of my room when I was 15 which incidently was also the year I first got my set. meeemories. Someone commented that his timing on the snare is off but i think its just the audio....  he gets points for not drowning out the vocals like most drum solos.
 





 
 
i feel like hitting things.... I don't know what Jaspar did with my drum sticks but I caant find them and I dont feel like going down to the garage to get more...
 
Better than nothing I guess. I'll keep telling myself that.
 
Good news today is that I fit in my pink E3 shirt again. its an extra small woot. I missed this shirt.
 
Going to breakfast with the family tomorrow. For my aunt Mercy and my moms birthdays. My aunt Mercy is getting really old and weak lately.. she fell a few weeks ago and now she can't live alone. I'm getting worried about her. And my grandpa. And I'm getting worried for my grandma.
 
I got a backpack today.
 
I should be sleeping.
:|
 
 
 
 

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1283 (148)
This is stuck in my head and I have to get it out so it will go away.
I believe I mentioned once back in my journal that I learned this "I dont care" attitude about things, or a "whatever" attitude, from my mother. I  addressed her lack of emotion/feelings to this attribute.  But now it bugs me that I represented my mother that way.
In my quick little journal blab about mother I believe I mentioned an example like: it doesn't matter if you dont have enough gas in your car to get to that activity you are going to have to get gas sometime in the future, might as well be now.  And it doesn't matter if you use more gas to go pick up someone and take them.  It doesnt matter about the gas cuz, again, you still have to fill up sometime and it doesn't matter if you have a plus one in your car as you do it, just go to the activity yer supposed to be at.
Other little things she just shrugs at:  It doesn't matter if that person can't show up or do something, you can always find someone else to help.  It doesn't matter if you know you'll never see your bread pan again, you can get another one, they prolly need it more than you.  It doesn't matter if you take the time to help this person out right now, cuz what else would you do.  It doesn't matter if so and so is mad at you theres not much you can do about it.  It doesn't matter if you spend this much money on your child, you wont even remember the purchase a few years later, as long as it helps them now, etc.
I've been thinking about it lately and I feel I have to make this correction in writing.
Now that I look back on it, I dont see it as an "I dont care" attitude.  It seemed like that quality or characteristic bugged me, but helped me in my church issues and such.
But now I see it as a "do it anyway" attitude that I learned from my mother.  That sounds more positive anyways.
It doesn't matter if that person shows up to help, you have to do the job anyway.  It doesn't matter if your bread pan is missing you'll find a way to make your bread anyway in the future.  It doesnt matter if you take time to help someone out, you -should- do it anyway.  It doesnt matter if so-and-so is mad at you, you still have to go on with life anyway no need to get all worked up about it.  It doesnt matter if you should spend that money in order to visit your child, you should do it anyway.   Its the right thing to do.  It illicits faith when you do something anyway trusting that it will turn out okay.  And I've found, usually when you do take that leap it does tend to work out.
When I felt poor and grumpy and wanted to be alone and thus didnt want to go to that certain activity, I gased up my car anyway,  I picked up that person who asked for a ride anyway, and I went to the activity anyway.  I found the gas/money issue wasn't that important, it had to happen sometime, I found the person I picked up to be my new friend that made me laugh so hard the whole drive, and the activity it turned out wasn't that bad, if anything it was just fun to people watch and the food was always good.  In the end none of those actions hurt me in any way.  It was the right thing to do.  Have faith and do it anyway.
Anyways, I think it shows priorities and unselfishness I feel I learned from my mother.  As long as you are doing what is right, it doesn't matter the consequences, do it anyway.
Its not that she didn't care about Dals financial situation and or school situation when she pressured him to start a family.  It was an act of faith she wanted him to exercise.  Its not that she didn't care about me and wanted me out of the house when she pressured me to go to college.  It was an act of faith.  It was the right thing to do it. It was setting priorities.  It pertained to things eternal rather than temporal.
If I were to pick a song that most described what I learned from my mother I'd pick this song.
"Anyway"
 

You can spend your whole life building Something from nothin' One storm can come and blow it all away Build it anyway
You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach And you know it might not ever come your way Dream it anyway
God is great, but sometimes life ain't good When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should But I do it anyway I do it anyway
This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe That tomorrow will be better than today Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart For all the right reasons In a moment they can choose to walk away Love 'em anyway
God is great, but sometimes life ain't good When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should But I do it anyway Yeah, I do it anyway
You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang Sing it anyway Yeah, sing it anyway
I sing, I dream I love Anyway
Read more: Martina McBride - Anyway Lyrics | MetroLyrics

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1282 (61)
Well, I had an interesting night last night.
Nothing happened at work.  And when I say nothing, usually I mean literally, nothing.
I start to count the documents I do during the day and lately only come up with like 3, maybe.
Then I stopped by the temple and no one was there, something about the HighSchool Homecoming.
Was again asked, for the like 5th time if I have any relation to Vernon aka The Deacon.   I keep telling the same guy yes, something about Vern being my Grandpa Ray's cousin.
Then I went home and talked to Mum and Evan on the phone.  Listened to Evans dating failures and Moms ambitions for her mothers upstairs carpet replacement.
I ate some lasgna I've been eating the past four days, took a shower and was brave enough to knock on doors again to attempt to get some things done regarding the HOA and our new gate mainly cuz I knew AJ was home. He finally gave me some answers so I could continue my progress on this matter.  Relief.  But of course, talking to such people takes longer than you always expect it.
I ran over to Neals to pick up Mins nail guns and he ended up talking to me for awhile, like usual.
I didn't get to Gma's until like 8:30ish where Mum was already moving things upstairs and ripping out carpet. That carpet has been there since 1947 I believe.  The pad underneath like disinegraded.  And actual wood planks underneath!  None of this sheetrock business.  Like a solid built house of brick and wood.  But the nails in the wood are what makes the house so loud and creaky when stepped upon.
I pulled out staples and sat on the floor and pounded out the carpet tack.  Oh the pain.  A simple task really, but I was clearly to old and fat for such activity.  Dad did the stairs while Mum and I pounded in the room.  They are using Mums industrial carpet she seemingly inherited and hired a guy to install it today, but they didn't want to pay for him ripping it out too so they enlisted my help in that.  No one was going to help me take out my carpet to save money when I moved in my place.  Not even the sister that wanted me to move so quickly.  Anyways.  It'll be nice.
We didn't get done, or mostly done until about 11pm.  I quit and went home. I still had HOA stuff to do.  I gathered all the letters and handed them out to the units so they'd get them in the morning when they left for work.  Finally got to bed at like midnight.
About three hours later there was huge loud thunder booms outside and soon after a 52 pound dog attempting to jump on top of me in bed.  He only got half of himself on top of me and constantly sticking his nose in my face and constantly moving/twitching.  I only felt him shaking a few times tho.  I'm never going to get any sleep like this.  He kept seeing the lightning outside and would freak out, but thunder wouldn't come after like an hour so I knew it calmed down, but convincing Max was another issue.  I finally got to go back to sleep even with a dog halfway on my bed staring at me and constantly making little movements.
I'm not sure why I was in such a good mood during that whole ordeal.  Usually you wake me up I'm grumpy. Yesterday morning I was in a foul mood. That demanding unit owner pissed me off.  By the time I was done with the temple I was chatting nicely to Evan, doing physical work and driving home at 11pm pritti awake.  I stayed awake and happy as I passed out HOA letter stuff.  And I didnt even get too mad when the dog kept trying to stuff his head under my arms, pillow and blankets for like an hour or more.  But I'm still here with lack of sleep and not too ornery.
Oh, but I think I'll miss having a scared dog during the thundering nights.  It's been a long time since a storm has scared him like this.  I think the last time was in Mins house and he was literally on top of me that time.  He was young enough he could jump on the bed I guess.
Anyways, just a weird night.
 

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Detaching from Reality (86)
Is the catalyst really so small? Only a trickle, a hint of the old abuse and already I am spiraling so?
 
I am falling away from the real world, hiding and sheltering myself. I cannot find enough time to myself and I cannot get the help I need in keeping a schedule.
 
The cost will be great.
 
I wonder what other disorder lurks beneath my aching skull...
 
I became unhealthily entangled in my emotions for a fictional character, to the point of legitimate concerns about obsession. At the very end of the last episode I watched this character did something that I found inconsistent with my view of how he would behave. And in a way that is clearly setting up a story arc involving the continuation of this behavior. I became irrationally angry and worried. Because my escape, my fantasy, was compromised.
 
I just hope that my dreams will give me better fantasies tonight.
 
I am not quite certain what happened to my inflated self-worth... but I both miss it dearly and fear it terribly right about now.

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[1829] Desires (65)
My favorite verse in the bible used to be that one verse that most people know simply as "trust in the Lord with all your heart and he will give you the desires of your heart." at least that's what I thought it was.
 
But there are so many translations. I mean one says 'Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.' Trusting and delighting are completely different. One says 'commit'. And the second part gets changed too.. sometimes it says 'he will give you the desires of your heart'.. great! But sometimes it says 'he will answer your prayers'. Another says 'he will act'. Well that's great but again completely different. so the phrase take delight in the lord and he will give you the desires of your heart is nowhere even close to trust in him and he will answer your prayers. Why do they have to have so many translations? How are you supposed to know what he wants if he has alll the silly people saying whatever they want it to say or think he means? Who reeeally knows if anything is accurate? The bible is so old I'm sure its like that telephone game in school where the sentence you told to the first person sounds nothing like what the 20th person ends up hearing. Christians get so much crap because they can't even decide on what they are reading. And when they don't like it they go and make a new version... I dont know. I'm trying here.
 
Anyways lets just pretend its simply the first one. I guess I stopped believing it. It was hard not to. I want to try again. But if it is true (at least that version).. He's got his work cut out for him that's for sure.
 
People always say that he doesn't just give you what you want.. he changes you're heart. Well that just seems like a nasty trick... I mean free will and all that doesn't seem to hold any weight if you think of it like that. Seems like only people who don't trust God get to exercise their free will without any consequences.. well not immediate anyways. I guess that's the point.
 
At this point I don't really care. Do it. Change things. Fine. As long as this time its for good instead of a sleeping dragon.
 
 
I like dragons :[
Arggggggggg.
 
Still. Totally get all like 'Eternal Sunshine' on my headspace, God. I'm down. Iight...  Jeni out.
 
*Not sure why I chose to talk like a gangster at the end... But I'm pretty sure God has his share of gangster tendencies.
 
 

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[955] i walk to the sound of my own drum (112)
lmao
i mean honestly
 
hey i finally did some stuff with the things and oh wow shocking katherine it's like life gets better when you actually fucking try. 
now do more stuff. get shoes. find your fucking contacts damn.
 

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Gamergate, and what it means for gaming. (93)
The gamer is a dying breed, but it isn't our fault.  I love playing games and being a gamer.  If you do one you are the other.  Your mom, who plays nothing, but free to play, facebook, farm or restaurant simulators, is a gamer.  Your little brother who has two games on his phone, the 10 minute game demo of tetris he never touched and candy crush is also a gamer.  Here's something else.  Your mom, your little brother, and you are all misogynistic, bigoted, racists now because gaming media and a few popular people on youtube say that you are.  And SJWs are all standing behind their claims with as much vitrial and spite towards you as they could harbor. Now I know what you are saying...  "But I'm not any of those things.  I'm Actually way into social justice... and may even be part of what they say are the victims of this."  Nope... you too.  You are part of this crusade against gaming and they could care less who you are.  Unless of course you join their band wagon and claim that ou too are a victim and help their cause to destroy "Gamers"  Once and for all.  You see, Gamers aren't dying.  They want to commit Genocide on Gamers and make it a bunch of SJWs just like them.  We aren't good enough for The group of rouge SJWs and Feminists who have hijacked the media and are now using it as their pedestal and spring board to enhancing their lives.  They can't fix what they think are problems when we aren't willing to give up everything and sign the business to them without any say.  So instead they are fully intent in getting rid of us, the roadbumps to their Social Justice agendas, and replace us with similar thinking drones or people who just won't care... I.E your mom who plays free to play facebook games, and your little brother who plays Candy Crush on his iPhone. Those who would never be effected if console gaming were to be fundamentally dismantled.
 
So yes... you too.  All that stuff you loved growing up is under attack because it isn't good enough for a very opinionated feminist and the gaming media who loves plastering her face on things and making it out that We are the problem with gaming.  If they win, we lose.  What killed comedy, The film industry, and pop culture in general is at Gaming's doorstep.  So "gamer"... what are you going to do about it?  Are you going to let it in and offer it a drink, or tell it to go screw itself?  I've made my choice and I'm going to be heard.  It's time these SJWs get to know what it's like that they have abused us enough with their hate speech and yellow journalism. 
 
"It's no longer Social Justice when you become the bullies."  - JonTron

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559 (116)
For once I'd like people to stop being so fucking demanding.
I don't even get a second to breathe anymore.
And it's iritating.
Just stop!
Calm your tits.
Let me fucking breathe .
It's bad enough that I'm stuck in my own head lately.
Been trying to focus on WoW.
It's been helping.
Though, I'm going to have to explain what a broken promise is.
It a fucking 43 year old.
Because it's not what he thinks it is.
I just cannot handle broken promises right now.
I can't handle a lot of shit right now, honestly.
I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown.
------------ 
It comes in and out like the tide.
Waves of pain, sorrow, confusion and love.
They roll over me as a blanket.
Surrounding me in warm embrace.

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[1827] Changing Directions (50)
So. Yesterday after my appointment i went to Walmart and micheals. I am making a huge wall map to get a better idea of my  route.. and honestly ive just always wanted to..
 
since I needed the car tim was going to have to get a ride home from someone because he rode to work with Bryan but Bryan was leaving after work to go to blythe for his interview tomorrow. (Which actually ended up being pushed to next week but we didnt know yet) So i was around so I told him i would just pick him up. But right after he sent the address.. my phone dies. Grrr. Luckily i used to work by a street over there.. it's been 7 years but I found it. So i get there and I have no idea where to go. I park and see 2 dudes. I'm about to get out of the car and ask one of them if they know where tim is and then i see jasper. So i followed him in and tim walks out. But then he takes me back in to see jess, one of the supervisors. I met him when tim first started and he said he is always asking about me. He's funny. I met his other supervisors too. It was weird. Jess said this thing he always says.. "when are you going to dump this guy?" A thing to say right now. I think i just laughed. 
 
Things with tim's work are crazy. He went in this morning to tell them he would accept compton ETR.  But they told him the class just filled so he has to wait for the next one in a few weeks.. which is kind of good because now it's not like he is locked into this decision. He has until the next class starts to decide now.  He said a few more jobs are closing and he's like numbers 3 or 4 or something so he might close on something else or better before he has to decide. But after talking about it.. which I think is kind of pointless.. it has nothing to do with me.. but he wanted my opinion. I was against compton completely but he said it's not as bad an area as people think and we wouldn't have to live there. The thing that changed my mind was that all his supervisors love him and they were all telling him it's a great base because it's a headquarters and he'll be seen more and tim said ETRs in compton make more than other bases because of all the work. So unless he gets like valencia or simi valley i think he should stick with that base. He agrees but idk. I don't think i should be a part of major decisions right now. He doesn't agree with that. Idk why all of a sudden my opinions actually matter. Not that they didn't before but.. not really. Not where it counts. I would argue my opinion to a point but at the end of the day tim is my husband and as a wife i would trust his decision. It sounds worse than it is. I mean when only 1 decision can be made someone has to make it. And he's supposed to be the leader. Of course i want to be heard though. I haven't felt heard in a long time. Being a wife is humbling. It's hard not reeally being heard. And now it's like all he wants is my opinion. I think it's just because of everything going on. If i wasn't leaving would he care? Does that even matter anymore? 
 
On a lighter note...  I fit in my super skinny jeans. They're a little tight but.. these aren't just my skinny jeans... no sir..  these are jeans i bought when i was like 18 and refused to get rid of. It's fantastic. This whole losing weight thing started from stress and stress alone. I lost about 5 pounds from stress at the beginning of the month. Then another 5 from no appetite. And then I was like.. i wonder what would happen if i worked out and when that happens it just falls off like nothing. I haven't worked out in a few days because ive been getting sick this week and now im in the middle of being sick.. idk what it is my body is weak and achy.. i have a headache and my throat is on fire. It hurts to swallow and breath. But I was working out everyday before this and i felt better and it happened fast. In a month with really light exercise started half way through i went from 125 to 112. i dont know why i was so reluctant to work out before. It's easy to do a little every day . 
 
About my trip.. after many talks with bryan things changed a bit. Instead of starting on the west in Spain and going east i decided it'd be better to start in the east and go west. The north east.  Like in Denmark because it's already going to be getting cold and I don't want it to be freezing when i go to the crooked forest :) i cannot wait to sit on a j shaped tree and read a book or take a nap. And pictures of course. There is a castle hostel in Germany i want to stay at.. it's only 17 euro a night which isn't too bad. I want to go to Stonehedge and sit on the lay lines.  I want to go to the waterfalls in Croatia.  I want to get a waffle from belgium hehe. I want to go to the largest waterpark in the world in Germany. Germany has a lot of cool stuff like castles but what i really want to do is tree camping. Theres a too much to write everything i want to do.. thats why I'll be gone so long. I kind of wanted to go to Sweden too because my grandpa is from there and i thought it'd be cool to bring him back something. I should see him before I go. I don't know how long I'll be gone. At least a month. But probably closer to 2. I haven't purchased a ticket yet. I need to do that soon. Like tomorrow soon. I haven't only because of the possibility of moving.  But tim insists he can handle it. I don't think he realizes. He didn't see me pack for weeks while he was at work. I dont think he gets how much freaking stuff we have... he just saw boxes organized and ready to go. It's not just putting stuff in boxes. But i guess if I'm not there to unpack i shouldn't care. I guess moving isn't exactly the worst thing at this time.. i mean.. if things change all my stuff will already be in boxes. Er. I don't like thinking about that because it's uncomfortable and i feel like crap for it but.. well i wont get into all that.
 
I miss Jefri. Stupid stuff always reminds me of him. Even going to the store i see the parsley for really cheap and think i need to get it and then i realize i dont. The other day we ordered pizza and the pizza guy saw this square of padding i was saving to make sone thing for jefri's cage and he asked if he could have it and without thinking i said no but then i realized I didn't need it anymore so tim ran out and gave it to him. Idk. It was 10 years of my life. Things changed over night.. 3 times this month. All 3 things are enough to make me want to run away on their own.. but its everything at once.  And it's more than that. But the change all at once is a huge part of it. Not just tasks but mindsets about things. Not just jefri. The other things have an ever deeper impact. But i can ignore them mostly because I'm not constantly being reminded somehow. Idk. 
 
I fell asleep on the couch last night and went to bed early. It's 6am now. I think I'll make my map today. Buy a ticket by the end of this week. I need to get a backpack. Bryan has some but idk if they'll work. I'm excited. But scared. But mostly excited. 

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seventeen. (95)
god garrett was a manipulative little shit. 
 
reading old private messages and laughing about how fucked up the teenage years were. 

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Butterscotch (119)
I didnt do anything I thought, in fact I did the opposite. I know why I wrote about butterflies. I know about Alice and girls with red shoes and glitter. Everyone is mad. I learned to fly years ago from a man. No expression. I know the secret of life, I was chosen. Im a neutral student. I know that girl...i know that girl...i think i know you from somewhere. None of it matters now but we were so close...to something. That house steals me from my dreams, I am sitting in your chair, waiting... Im flying in your room and down the hall. Eggshell blue pudding and we sit at a long table and sing, I know why we sing... butterscotch . I know you loved me till you couldnt love me much at all. You're not a hero. I know this now. 
Im cleaning my daughters room.
Clean space.
Clean mind. 
So bright. you're so bright.
lets read a book. sit down and I will take you through the looking glass...
 
 

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Untitled (105)
So Today I had to go to school and turn in some student loan stuff. And then I went next door to the casl building. To see if any of my favorite professors were there. Tomorrow school officially starts. On my way out there was this girl that I met last year. Shes a friend of my friend Helena. Her name is Mina. She was in her car listening to music. And we didnt recognize eachother so we smile. And yes I was checking her out. I didnt know who she was tho. All my friends have this crush on her. Me tho. I look but I don't feel the need to go for anything extra. Shes 26. So older than me. And in the masters program. Which also one of those silly things on my list. Educated. And older. But yeah I suck in relationships. And I don't believe in love or marriage nor understand why people do. And I don't want kids. My future is just music and philosophy. Sartre never got married right!?
 
Other news. Getting a demo together in the next 6 months. And I have a few record labels to send my shit to. I just need to perform at a few places. But in all honesty my chops are not where they need to be. Also. My cousin who sings, wants me to try to get a few neo-soul tracks for her together. My birthday will be here soon. And Im counting on a little money left over from financial aid to pay some bills. I will done with court on the 15 as well. So things are looking up. Im not in a hurry to get things over with. I only want to stay at a keen pace.  See you guys in november.   
 
My birthday is on its waaaay. And I want to go dig for records and get coffee. Anyone want to come with my friend Munk and I !? Any sugesstions? Im gonna look for drum breaks, and theres this classical composure album I want they did tho whole thing in electronic synthesizers tho. Also need to cop a new mixer and I might buy the Maschine or MPC renny/studio. Just depends on how the first few two weeks go . Hope all is Well. 

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[1826] Damaged Need Not Apply (54)
Oops. I didn't realize i didn't finish my last entry. I guess it sounds like something bad happened. I wrote an entry but it didn't save and that sentence was the only part that did. Weird. But everything is ok. Well no one is hurt or dead physically. Anyways..
 
 
Things are so weird.
 
Haven't written in a while because everything is personal or annoying but i dont really care at the moment. 
 
So last night around 9:30 pm Bryan needed us to drive him to the ER.. nothing crazy just needed a doctor and they were all closed. I had just woken up from a nap so i wasnt tired at all and when we got back we ate food and i was super wake. Tim was exhausted and went to sleep but Bryan and I stayed up playing black ops and talking all night and morning. We sometimes do that anyways but this was the longest for sure. He eventually tried going to bed around 10 am haha but he has an interview on Thursday and said he couldn't fall asleep because he kept thinking of things he needed to do to prepare.  I get that.. i never sleep before a big day and I always look like crap on the most important days because if it.  It sucks. 
 
We had some crazy conversations.  He's gone through insane things. Like.. completely crazy insane. Like lifetime movie stuff.  Hate that channel. You'd never know it. But man.. and i don't know.. he was just telling me about all of it. And a lot of things were coming up. It's sort of awkward when someone is sharing soo much personal information with you.. it almost makes you, or at least it makes me, feel obligated to share too. Usually. In the past I have felt that urge to reciprocate information about myself that is as or more.personal to idk make the person feel more comfortable?  But it has never been a good idea. It's always backfired in some way. Always. And i seem to never learn. Mostly because in the moment I completely forget and just go with how i feel. And i always feel wide open. But regardless of that wide open feeling I decided not to engage. I was simply a listening ear. But it felt weird not to share anything. We talked a looooong time and eventually i did share some stuff. Not really... usually i flat out say things. This time.. i just implied things. Bryan is smart I'm sure he could figure it out.. maybe not the 2nd thing but definitely the 1st. But most of the conversation was about how he decided to make an application kind of ironically for future girlfriends. Which sounds like something a misogynistic jerk would do but after what he's been  through i would be surprised if he didn't consider doing it. The whole conversation started because he was telling me about it. Saying he would never actually have anyone fill it out or anything but just for his own benefit to see what he's looking for.  I mean he made the point that that's basically what people are doing when they first meet and date anyways but this way it's just all condensed into one form. Some of the stuff was interesting but some was so crazy. It made me feel crappy about myself for some reason. Idk he was saying how he came from a divorced home.. as most do.. and it made him terrified of divorce and super determined to avoid ever getting a divorce. Idk a weird topic right now for me but anyways.. he said he wouldn't want a girl who had been divorced for sure but also not even a girl who came from a divorced home!  What? That's like.. that's almost everyone. But because people from divorced families are more likely to get divorced themseleves. I guess statistically that is true but still. He said a lot of things were deal breakers for him and a  lot of the things were things I did or had done or about me in some way and it just made me feel so crappy. Not that i want to be with him but maybe that this is just generally how guys think and when you break it down and shine a light on it.. i'm not desirable. Not at all. In any way. Not according to this very well thought out application. To weed out the damaged and crazies and avoid divorce. According to him I'm incredibly damaged.  I just kept listening though.  There was so much we.. well mostly he.. talked about .. like how the most important thing to him was that she was a christian. And at one point he asked me if that should be the most important thing because one of his gfs had been a Christian and she hurt him the most. I said I'm not the person to ask right now because I'm confused. . I guess he thought i meant confused about tim (which is accurate) but i really meant confused about God. And he said something like.. "tim's a good guy" and i was like oh.. i meant god.. but it felt sort of nice for a split second for someone else to know about my confusion with tim and marriage and everything. But i "corrected" him and the conversation moved on. I told him for him it definitely should be important based solely on what he wants. But that just because a girl is Christian doesn't mean she will be exempt from making mistakes.. In fact in a conversation we had earlier this week about christians and temptation i think h knows that it might mean she is tested more than non christians because shes a target. I wont gwt into that but it made sense and i think he should keep it in mind. I said based on what he  wants i think he's been looking in the wrong places nd he should try to find a girl at chuch.  Church is the worst. For so many reasons.  But I was trying to be objective. We talked a lot about divorce. Well he did. The conversation made me extremely uncomfortable and i was glad when it was my turn to play because i had an excuse not to look at him at all. I just felt weird. Guilty. He was just going on about divorce and his view on it and what the Bible says about it and at one point I literally felt like at any moment i was just going to scream entirely due to how uncomfortable i was. It's not a conversation I want to have with anyone right now.. even if for the brief a second before I corrected him it did feel so relieving to have someone else know that things aren't as perfect as they seem.. I am falling asleep I'll finish this later...... 
 
It's later. Maybe i should just press through when i am tired because i come back and its hard to remember what i wanted to say or even what was said. I guess the whole thing just made me feel bad about myself. Because apparently I am incredibly damaged. Other things he said were that he didn't want a girl who had been raped. Because he knows it ruins your life and can cause problems. Geez. It was around this  point he made it clear that the application was really insensitive and hed never actually have anyone fill it out. Yeah. He might get slapped if he did. He also said that he wanted a girl that was honest but how do you know if she is honest? What are the signs that she isnt? I felt like he was actually asking me. Like i had some sort of secret super powers or just knew simply because i have a vagina. I don't know. The only thing I know for sure lately is that i know absolutely nothing at all. The more I think i know or try to figure out the more apparent is the realization that i pretty much know nothing and will continue to know less and less.
 
I wanted to say.. so what if she is honest? Being honest is good but it doesn't mean she won't make mistakes either. I've made so many and I've never been able to keep them to myself. Sometimes I've tried but it doesn't work. Whether it is during or eventually, the truth always finds a way out of me. Sometimes i get it myself or welcome it and sometimes it's like it has a mind of its own and pries itself out of me. It doesn't seem like truth matters. People want perfect. Perfect doesn't exist. At the risk of toppling over the side of the fence I've been sitting on.. Isn't that the point? That people are so inherently evil at heart and that is why Jesus died for us.. so we could be forgiven? I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand I want to say yes.. Jesus died for my sins and i can ask forgiveness and be forgiven. On the other hand I don't think grace works past a certain point... or shouldnt.. if i make mistake after mistake knowing it is wrong and then ask for forgiveness... it doesn't seem like it should matter. I shouldn't be able to knowingly do something and then just ask to be forgiven and thats that. That's probably why I stopped praying and even asking for it. I feel ashamed and like a fraud for even considering asking. I might feel better in the moment but will it stop me from making more mistakes or even the same mistake i just asked forgiveness for? Probably not. I'm not making mistake after mistake over here.  I'm really only thinking of 1 thing and I don't even see it as a mistake and thats probably my first mistake. Idk. I have no idea about all this anymore. I didn't say any of this to him.. This was just my internal dialog.
 
I know guys like to have these sort of talks with girls because girls tend to be more insightful and have good advice and everything.  But he's asking the wrong girl for advice on life and anything of importance. Even when things aren't screwed up I'm not great at advice. I used to think i was okay and I probably could be but it feels impossible to give adequate advice to anyone unless you are that person or know absolutely everything and who ever knows everything about another person? Thats a whole other entry. Maybe I'm just bitter about the last pieces of advice i was given. Intentions were good but the advice was so empty. Might as well have opened a fortune cookie or asked a 5 year old. Although I've met some pretty insightful 5 year olds so who knows.
 
 
I didn't want to think about anything until i was on my trip. I was hoping. But it's been a month since what happened happened and since ive wanted to go. It's impossible not to think a little bit. It's easier with a roommate. There is usually always someone around. And a reason to put on the jeni act. You know.. happu bubbly jeni that lives on the surface.. the sort of person youd never expect to have any problems. I dont mean to but i dont know how else to be around people without divulging my life story and that isnt happening.. it does feel fake though amd i hate fake people. I guess for now i just have to hate myself. I wanted to continue to just pretend things are normal and fine until i left but it didn't work out. Because it's just pretending. Even if tim has been amazing.  It doesn't erase problems. It helps but not enough.  As the month goes by i think more and more. Things I was hoping to figure out removed from the situation not in the middle of it. Uhg. It's coming soon but not soon enough. At the same time I'm completely terrified. Of going. Of being on my own. Of people. New places. But it's happening. I convinced tim so much that this is a good idea that now that I'm having doubts he is pushing me to go. He says it's okay that i feel this way but that these are the exact reasons why I have to go. That this was the whole point. Yeah. But. Still. Maybe safe is better. Maybe figuring out what i want will only ruin safe... and I'll get exactly what I want and be unsafe amd everything will be uncertain and chaotic.. maybe I've just been crazy. Maybe i am happy.. or that is just fear of the unknown talking.  Why doesn't writing help anymore? I used to write and figure stuff out along the way .. it was like gold mining and after I would feel so amazing for all my new discoveries. Now it feels more like I'm trying to find. needle in a haystack. 
 
I should go be productive. I have a lot to do. Too much. Get that card. Practice guitar.. my 3 fingers are so hard and callused it's awesome.. drums? I should but after clearing out the truck (which we sold last week) there's more boxes now and harder to get to my drums. Or the treadmill and all i want to do is run since that conversation Sunday night.
 
Tim just called and we found out last week that he was #1 for ETR in compton. Compton... blah. He was #2 for Crenshaw and hollywood. We've been waiting for simi valley or valencia or something closer.. now he's saying he must have canceled Hollywood because they're saying he isnt anything. What? I dony get it. He said they wanted an answer about compton today. I told him to make the decision because h already knows my opinion. I don't want it and I think he should wait it out. But he's saying they are telling everyone that jobs will be opening up less and less and to take anything. That's what he said a month ago and I said wait and then Hollywood opened.  And if he hadnt canceled.. i still dont get why he canceled.. but if he hadnt.. he would be picking that today. There wouldn't be a problem. And when he was #20 or 30 for jobs he was freaking out and i said give it a week and the next week he was #3 or 4. I was right again.  But i cant make this decision. He's saying he doesn't want to put me in a position I don't want to be in.. but i already have for the last 2 years. I said i cant make a decision and have it turn out that no jobs open again and he is stuck in AMI forever while all these other guys move on. No. It has to be his decision. If he does pick compton though.. it might mean no trip. Actually it definitely would mean no trip. Because it starts the 8th. I did all the packing every time we moved before. It takes at least a week or 2. And i was frwaking out about everything i needed to do for my trip.. cant do both in 2 weeks its not possible. This couldn't have come at a worse time.

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Less than 17 weeks (168)
As of yesterday I am under 17 weeks to go and then our new bundle of joy will be joining us.  He is definitely becoming an active kicker and likes to throw in some punches now and then.  Hopefully that means we will have an active child on our hands, one that will help keep Curly worn out from playing together :)  Short entry I know but that's all I got right now.

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[1825] /Dies (55)
Still in the ER.

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[954] (85)
STOP LOOKING FOR THE THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU UPSET
 
stop getting upset by stupid things
it's not even a thing katherine why are you so fucking stupid
she can write wherever and with whoever and be whoever she wants to be you can't stop that you can't control that you have nothing to do with it just stop stop stop stop stop and get ahold of yourself
you are at work godfucking damnit, pull your shit together

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Untitled (108)
 
My time with Texas is comming to a close. Online classes are over. And my flight is in a few days. School at Michigan starts September 3rd. And Im graduating in december. It took me forever. But I really had no idea what I was doing. I have a deal with my parents. Give me a year. And if I don't put my heart into music and writing then, Ill say fuck it and go to law school or grad school. Or work in Alaska oil for a year. 
 
Jazz music. Is like my life. Hip hop my mistress. When I dj and make beats, Im thinking about guitar. When I play and practice my guitar no matter the style, I'm thinkin about a particular groove for a beat I havent finished. I have a two track mind. Im trying to do 40 beats a week. And practices on the guitar for about two -three hours a day in the morning. 
Am I silly for thinking I can make a career of music and philosophy with out all the academic ideals? 

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Untitled (91)
I found love and I stopped loving.

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truth. (92)
i won't.

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