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What's New At Sitdiary?
Spring Cleaning Apr 17, 2014

After moving hosts a while back, apparently a few things got neglected, so I took it upon myself to get stuff working again. As it turns out, it was nothing crazy, but so far I've fixed:

  • User Profiles
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  • Friends Post Viewer
  • Buggy stuff behind the scenes

As always, my goal is to bring the back-end code for Sitdiary up to snuff, but for now -- at least stuff works.

 

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Recent Posts

 
chimeran (26)
I'm sitting here, and I can't help but wish my life were the beginnings of some manifesto. I feel so strongly that the world is lost, and I don't think anybody disputes that. But we are so far beyond change. Society is like one great big jack-ass, and anybody that tries to pull it towards anything unifyingly beautiful is just making the problems worse. I've been watching "Sam Crow" alone while I avoid life, and I can't help but feel more alive when I do. I'm sure some writer somewhere would feel ultimately flattered by that concept. I wish I had the words to change the world. I wish that life was really all about family and bortherhood and those irrevocable ideals of justice based on personal good. But I know those are the words of war.
Maybe thats what we need. It's hard to think about but maybe the only time we humans are fulfilled is when we are fighting for our life. And there isn't much about the average life thats worth fighting for. I mean it, tell me you'd shank a bitch over your netflix habits. Maybe the entire idea of a unified society is only possible if we numb out everything that makes feeling human something valuable. And maybe the entire concept of value is a protagonist for violence, the idea that not everyone can have it is why its worth anything at all.
There's always a lot of maybe, but if any of that resonates with people than the idea of socialism is shit. And any other society is just about who's willing to take the biggest risks. 
In personal news I've been feeling supremely down lately. I finished summerfest and have painted very little since. If it weren't for other peoples financial support I wouldn't have even broke even. As is I'm still not so sure if I did. I'm not sure if it's such a stretch from being a starving artist.
Summerfest was more or less what kept me going. It kept me grounded when all the other shit in my life was up in the air. Now that it's over I don't have much ground at all. I still can't say I trust Caity, and I know thats not her fault. I know she's trying hard. Our relationship has stabilized and now is back to just us two. It's nice, but it feels hollow. I don't think either of us feels any urgency to be in the others life and it's a constant struggle to act like newlyweds when we clearly are not. Reinforcing the bounds of an old relationship after it was so radically stretched is not easy work, especially without the chemical motivation that newlyweds have.
I noticed yesterday that neither of us has made any commitments that last longer than the end of the year. It rubs me the wrong way because I don't know where I'll be living in a month and a half. I worry that Caity secretly is sticking to the deal we talked about in January. At the end of our lease the gig's up. I suppose I don't blame her, I'm not exactly a functional human being these days; today I woke up after 13 hours in bed and didn't even have a reason to get up.
At the end of everything I've said, I suppose it comes to this: I wish I could live every breath in a single identity. I wish I could just be one person, one version of myself, and serve my own disire constantly. And I wish that person could still be good for those around me, and be attractive, and beautiful, and moving. But alas, Identity is always mutlifaceted. 

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21. Dots and Dashes (32)
I don't know where my head is. Right now it feels like its between a vice.
 
I was in a car accident. The front of my car is ruined. I feel so stupid. I don't know how it happened.
 
I just want to sleep. But I have things to do. But my head really hurts.
 
It was a good day before that.. well.. all things considered it was. Had a meeting and then i had time to kill before my doctor's appointment so I went to Goodwill. I haven't spent anything on myself for a long time and I've been making money and I thought I would treat myself. I got cute skirts and a couple tops. I felt good. And then almost as instantly as the feeling came it's smacked right back down...
 
My neck hurts.
 
 

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How can you crave a drug you've never tried? (19)
I lie awake nights thinking of an injection directly to my spine that numbs my pain and creates euphoric oblivion.

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17. In The Dark (13)
My student is a full time job. Its just the first week so I'm not worrying too much  but he isnt getting some of he most basic things. I even said he could open one of th pages we did together and look at it if he gets lost... without copying and pasting but as a reference.. and he still had code all over the place. i dont understand it. He wanted another assignment but I said he should try that one again first because I was hesitant to move forward when he's not understanding some really important concepts. what he sent me was actually better in some ways but worse in others. i went through the assignment i gave him and even highlighted in red the parts he needed to fix and its like he just ignored it. its weird. He's cool though and I know he's trying... I'm just venting here because I can. I feel bad though.. i know its only been 2 lessons..  actually he just sent it again and its better.. mostly.
 
"You're a FULL. TIME. JOB" lol. flapjack. I used to watch it when i worked at activision. or after. that was a good one... i think it was called "oh brother". lol and he thinks the duck is a baby with a hat.. lol nvm...
 
Tomorrow i meet with FTJ (full time job.. name assigned by Tim and it makes me laugh.. its not mean its endearing). Then I exchange my drum head.. finally. And then Im going with tim to sign the lease.. finally.
 
uhg, I am stressed out. I got my card in the mail.. finally.
 
My aunt decided to continue her dialysis. I'm glad. It was a nice visit.. we looked at old photos. She was so pretty. She had a cute boyfriend. He proposed to her. I think 2 guys did.. but someone said her dad said no. Which is weird because pretty much all her sisters got married.
 
so since i moved i rarely park in the garage... i park on the street now when i go to the apartment.. which means I've become a parallel parking machine. Well. With the exception of yesterday and of course THAT is the day tim parks across the street to watch... and i hit thee curb like 4 times.. haha. It was a fluke i swear!
 
anyways. i might jam this weekend with some people. i dont do that usually so we'll see how it goes...
 
 
I'm sad. Why doesnt matter. Well it does. Multiple reasons. I'm so sick of being sad. I'm going to get some answers. I'm gong to either move forward or move on. But I cant stay still or move parallel to the problem anymore. It isnt working. It might be the best.. it might be the worst. At this point i dont care. i just want to step out of this box I've created for myself.
 
Things are.. in the works. *or not..
 
FTJ agreed that skype lessons would be fine. So.. there's that...
 
I played drums the last few days. I wish I would have concentrated more on rudiments when I started... i feel like such a barbarian when I play. no technique...... just hittin sturf.  but.. i might have a lot of time on my hands soon. I think is time to dust off my practice pad and stick control book. its all chewed up (rabbits love stick control).. :( i miss jefri. dang. I really miss Jefri. I try not to think about him. Its easier to do i think because i got rid of absolutely everything that same day. i know how i am.. i wouldnt be able to handle it. but sometimes i miss seeing his cage or checking for him before walking into a room so i dont squish him. :/
 
omg. i looked to my right and Choli was  sitting and staring at me and it was so creepy. why are cats so creepy?
 
I should eat dinner but i ate ice cream earlier.. so that's probably good enough.
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Untitled (72)
See the thing is that I think I'm kind of a big dumb gay for you which was fine when you were straight but now you've decided that you're Not and that's a problem. 
 
Because im pretty sure I'm in love with you, you see. So this is problematic now. Because now, theoretically, you're within reach, and this was so much easier when I just Knew that you Were Not. 
 
Sigh. 

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10. Among Other Things (49)
Its going to be a hard weekend. It was just going to be somewhat strange... or awkward.. or maybe neither and it was all in my head as most things are... but now idk.
 
Today is our anniversary. I wasn't sure if I should bring it up. He didn't. we spend time together and its not awkward so why would it be weird to spend it together on this day? Or maybe that's the whole point... that other days shouldnt be weird but today is especially weird. Either way we finally talked about it and decided to spend it together. I think we both feel it would be more strange to be apart.. i dont know.
 
Everything is strange. My life is one endless succession of random happenings. Nothing makes sense and right when I think I know how things are going to turn out.. everything flips on its head and shakes itself up.
 
He asked if I wanted to see that new pixar movie. The one with the little girls emotions. He said he knows I've been looking forward to it. It has Amy Poehler in it and i lurve her. In the past we would do something like that and then I would make him manicotti. He said after we'll get ice cream.
 
Earlier today I was playing drums. I hadn't been because I changed the heads the other day and I dont really doooo that much.. at all.. ok ever.. the last time i had my ex boyfriend do it for me... that was years ago. and i didnt really need to change them since because they spent so much of their time in storage. so i did it and idk I guess I'm just a moron. I watched every youtube video i could find and no matter what i did.. they sound weird. I just don't have an ear for tuning drums... at all. Well that isn't really the point of this...
 
while I was playing I missed a call from my mom. I called her back and she told me that my aunt decided to stop her dialisis.. which has been keeping her alive. The doctor said it would be a couple weeks.. maybe a couple months. My family is going over to her house on Sunday to visit with her. I don't know how to feel about it. When I think of my aunt i think of the movie i watched on repeat at her house when she babysat us... it was with like donald duck and goofy and these other birds but it was weird.. it was called like the 3 caballeros. Probably the most spanish i was ever exposed to during my childhood which is sad... I don't remember much of my childhood.. i spent a lot of time at her house... playing in the smooth tree by the porch... or the lemon tree in the backyard... messing with the chickens on the other side of the fence... sleeping in one of the 2 twin beds in that weird room that felt like a closet.. being afraid to go into the bathroom in the hall... riding my tricycle on the path around her house all day... being yelled at by her and everyone else.
 
idk. I don't know what I'll say to her. I didn't know last time I talked her to... I never know what to say to anyone. I just make things worse. I just wanted to write about it.
 
I just want to talk sometimes... I asked Jaspar if he'd talk to me about things and he just wanted to fix me and everything going on. I wish people would just listen. I just felt even worse after talking to him. He kept going off on tangents about himself that had nothing to do with what i was saying.. and he'd try to compare our situations and say things were universal and normal.. like just knowing that would solve everything. like I didnt already know that.
 
I started tutoring. It was a random thought to try it out and didn't think it would amount to anything.. but i got a response and it went well. I didnt think i would enjoy it but it was kind of fun actually. Its just html5 and css3. I guess i could get into javascript and php but I'm not as confident to teach those things. I didn't think I would be confident enough to teach even that much but it went very smoothly and I really dont give myself enough credit. But I should like.. start.. doin that.
 
Anyway.
 
Duolingo logged me out and now I cant log back in.. :/
 
I have a stack of books I wanted to read. I wish my head didnt hurt so bad. I wish I could concentrate more than 5 minutes at a time. My back is killing me again. I saw and killed a creepy bug on my bed earlier.. now I can't bring myself to go near it... its hot in here. i want to go for a walk. a drive. a something.
 
 
 
And other things.
------------------
 
So now my car wont start. Fantastic. I need it to work before Monday. 1 thing goes right and 3 go wrong. The good thing is that  have a new student and he wants to do twice a week. Woot. I gave him a lower rate since he's student and he's in SCV.
 
I really hope my battery just died and it isn't something terrible...
 
My mom was home today.. made me a breakfast burrito. I talked to her and it was good.. and then she started asking about today and i just dont want to talk about it. She basically told me I wasn't a christian. So that's always fun. It's like her go to every time she doesn't know what else to say. I wish people would stop trying to fix it. People. 2 people.
 
 
...I continue to not understand anything about anything.
 
 
 
 

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1315 (72)
The date
with the kid that didn't technically ask me out even though his religious leader asked me out FOR him
(and yes, he does take credit for 'asking me out', I checked)
He's 22, lives with his parents, his whole family actually, 3 bedroom townhome, works part time as a janitor, no education beyond high school (I didnt think to ask if he graduated HS, oh dear), picked me up in his mothers car, drove mothers car like a grandma, a sci-fi guy, knowns all the geek language, owns like 2-3 consoles, plays video games all day long, doesn't like to spend money and makes it painfully obvious on a first date as he attempts to skip taking me to dinner and/or trying to get me to do fast food like Arctic Circle, (I saw this money issue with Evan and I escaped that mind frame, I'm free! I'm not going back!), he didn't make any decisions on the date whatsoever.  (I told him the theatre and when, we agreed mutually on the movie. I let him waste some gas as he wandered around looking for food before I got tired and told him to pull over at a particular restaurant and watched his 'money alarm' go off and giggled.  I only made him spend $30 altogether, if you split that he only spent $15 on me.  That's not too bad, esp if yer trying to make good first impressions!  Might as well bring out the coupons like Evan does on a first date...)
He called me a "sugar momma" like two minutes after I got into the car, we hadn't left the parking lot, he says this based off my job/career, so he obviously only sees dollar signs when it comes to me...  He hinted at me being old several times juss cuz I'm like 5 years older than him... kind of a know-it-all, but he is young, just off the mission a year, he's one of those that can't have any silences therefore he makes awkward random comments to fill the silence (boy, we love those kind)...
Let's see, what else?
Well, on the bright side it looks like he's the better choice than his brother that is like 18 months older than him with no job, living at home, attempting to get his GED, no mission, no car, etc. 
I do have to say he was pretty good at reading people, or at least trying, not a lot of anti-social ppl can read others and their emotions. He could go from making bad jokes to being somewhat serious and sincere with the conversation as I steered it that way.  
It wasn't too bad.  
But we have nothing in common.
And I will not be anyones sugar momma. 
The End. 
Did I mention I'm too old for this crap?
 
P.S. I went to the dentist today and I have no cavities this time!  Yay for me!  Hey, every 6 months without a cavity is a win for me so shut up. It saves me money. 
P.P.S.  My period this month has made me so freaking ornery, much more than usual.  I wonder if its cuz I'm always around lactating women, or going home to visit every freaking weekend for more than a month now, or maybe the 100+ degree heat has boiled my anger.  I'm surprised how nice I was on this date....
P.P.P.S.  I still miss my dog. I keep thinking about him. 
 

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[962] (32)
dear anonymous person who left a comment on my last entry,
i have no idea if you'll come back and read this, i have no idea. i don't know anything about your life, i don't know who you are or where you're from or literally anything at all i guess but you know. thank you. for saying something. 
i hope you're okay. i hope you keep the bad people out and i hope you have people in your life who deserve to be there. i hope someone loves you. 
i'm feeling less lonely too. thanks for reminding me that the internet isn't always shouting into the void; sometims the void shouts back and there's a really great thing that happens, a really great moment. for a minute, me and you were connected by the thin gold wire of life and i think there's something really beautiful about that.
even as i'm sitting here in my old t-shirt and work pants and there's just this lingering
i don't know
sometimes i'm grateful. thanks for reminding me. 
sincerely,
katie

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leaving (25)
i left. yes. big surprise. to be honest, it was a really big surprise to all of my family. they were all so worried. i could no longer ignore the signs. there are red flags and then there are meteors. the sky and the ground were full of them. i mean, it was obscene. what the fuck was i doing?
 
this is what i've understood:
in order to stay distracted and accompanied, taken care of, and all that i endured all of the bullshit. 
when we played he was at times too aggressive, i'm so glad i never backed down and at many times outsmarted the jackass.
as soon as i was free from work or school he was organizing to meet up. if i even thought about making plans with my friends or family he would get upset. i was such a fool. he was trying to isolate me. he did.
during any given moment, plans had already been made the hour before, day before, week, month, year... i was always "late" on giving my "2 cents". 
he always kicked the dog in the rib cage, even if i protested... he grabbed the kitten by the head and threw him. 
he wanted me to move in. he wanted to keep an eye on me at all times.
he would surprise me at work if i didn't text him back.
he went to run the track just to see if he could catch me there, to make sure my friend indeed was female.
he wanted to keep me sedated. numb.
he showed up at 4:30am in front of my parent's house, because the last message i had sent him was at 11ish, even after i had told him i was at my friend's house. he said "time isn't relevant to me when it comes to us" some creepy bull.
he won't stop calling me, texting me. i don't sleep in my room because i feel like i'm being watched. i carry a baton and pepper spray just in case.  
 
i hope he reads this. all of these entries. this is fucking insane.
 
the first meal i made myself after having broken up with him, i cried. the first shower i took i cried. the first time i laid in my own bed after that day, i cried myself to sleep.
 
you don't understand, i'm free. if you think i'm going back to you. you are so mistaken. the things you said, the things you suggested. egocentric, self-centered, selfish little chicken shit. if being me means i can't achieve that glory you've been drooling over, so be it. i could care less. i'm at peace, i can sleep. the last year had been hell. you were awful. so very awful. you used me. i wanted company but you, you wanted clay. you wanted a punching bag. you wanted an escape goat. you wanted me for yourself, another creature you've caught with your brutish hands. go fuck yourself.
 
wow there's so much more. so much more. so much rage.

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1314 - Baby Nicholas June 2015 (22)
Nicholas Clyde Talamante
born June 29, 2015 at 4:53pm
7lbs 12 oz, 21 inches long
7 hour labor, like 30 second delivery, one push
Almost immediately after he came out he was hungry, searching
He latched on and ate with no problem
He's got big lips and looks a lot like Sara did when she came out
The last of the Talamante clan I think
 

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[961] i'll be over here (41)
okay
i get it
your life is the worst life that has ever happened to a human being and you have Real Problems and you need Real Therapy and you are irrevocably traumatized and nothing will ever be the same. and it is terrible. it is horrific that this has happened to you and you are well within your rights to want to exorcise those demons.
but can we just
talk about me for a minute
we spend so much time talking about you because there's so much to talk about and i get it but my god my god my god i need someone to see me sometimes i need someone to see my stupid problems and my bad moods and my fucking idiot feelings and i need them to be acknowledged. i don't need you to solve them. i don't need you to tell me that this is a stupid thing to stress over. 
yeah. i know. i wasn't asking. i just need you to let me lean on you for a minute. i need you to carry me for a minute. 
"look on the bright side, at least you're not me with my terrible awful shitty life!!"
like 
why would that make me feel better
but thank you for that. thanks for minimizing my shit. thanks for making me feel shitty for even trying to bring it up and i'm trying to tell you that i feel like i'm drowning every single night and unlike you i don't have a good reason to feel like this. i don't have an excuse to fall back on. i have shit all. 
and i still feel like this and i really sometimes just need you to fucking listen to me for a minute just listen JUST LISTEN
i don't know. 
i'm tired of listening to people complain about thins that they're bad at when they're a hundred times better at it then i ever will be. so what the fuck do you think of me then. what am i then. 
shit. i feel like shit sometimes.
just listen to me please.

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[96o] this is what it feels like (35)
i'm just very sad and very lonely some nights
and frustrated and sweaty and gross and incapable of acting like an adult and sad about things that haven't happened and things that won't happen and percieved slights and real slights and just everything
i'm just very
melancholic 
all the time
and i don't know how long i'm supposed to let that slide before it becomes a problem because it doesn't seem like a problem until it's 11 at night and i'm crying for some god forfuckingsaken reason that i don't understand
i don't know
i ate pudding for supper but it wasn't very satisfying. 
i wish i'd gone to the movies
i wish i didn't have to work tomorrow or the next day or ever again
i don't understand how i can feel lonely when all i ever do is talk to people 
and they're my friends and i know that they're my friends and i know they love me and i still just
i don't know
sometimes i forget how to connect with people and sometimes it feels like they don't really want to connect with me which is selfish and stupid and thought distortion and i can't stop it i can't make it go away
i don't know
i never know. i don't think i've ever known a single thing in my entire life.

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1313 (29)
Another shot at the whole dating life. 
We had the stake activity yesterday.  A big deal.  Lots of people. Estimated like 800 YSA.
Anyways I went last year, it was fun, decided to go again this year.
I'm assuming this kid had a goal to ask a girl out by the end of the night.  Either that or someone told him to. 
Of course, as they wrap up the evening he is finally seriously looking. 
Okay, he seemed more desparate then actively looking for someone he liked to ask out.
I also assume he was circling the water stations for that same reason....
I happened to go get water at the end of the night. 
He said like two awkward things to me as I got water.  
Apparently I lingered too long and didn't just get water and walk away.
But then he walked away.   Didn't think much of it. 
One of the leaders came around to fill the water coolers or dump it out as the night was over. 
He was very personable.  Very friendly and chatty. 
He causally mentioned that I should basically walk with him to where he was working. 
I didn't think much of it and followed him a few feet away and there was this kid.
Then it became apparent this kid went to talk this leader, and they were buddies, and to told him he was thinking about asking me out.
The kid said nothing, okay he made one comment, about me, to this leader, as if I weren't there.  No eye contact.
Obviously the kid liked me (somehow this was indicated by his lack of interest in me) and disturbingly it was this leader that chatted me up like a boy should when getting to know someone and/or ask them out. He asked about me, my name, my ward, what I did for a living, etc. He even compliemented me.  Very distracting and somewhat flattering.... cept it should have come from this kid and not a married man. 
The leader then proceeded to be blunt with his words of "So would you be interested in going on a hike with my buddy Jason here to say.... Ensign Peak." *(he was clearly making this up on the fly) Jason obviously had no idea what he was talking about.  I like Ensign, haven't been this year, and I do actually want to go.  This leader was so dang comfortable to talk to I didn't hide my excitement for the place. 
And then the slightly sinking feeling knowing this leader just asked me out FOR this kid Jason. Really?
It wasn't just awkwardness.  (and somehow this leader seemed to extinguish awkwardness quickly.)
But still, the principle was there....or maybe it was missing. 
It was very disturbing how normal the leader made this all sound. 
The kid specifically went to a leader to seek help in asking out a girl!  Problem #1.
Problem #2.  The leader actually did it FOR him!
I can't really tell which one is worse at this point...
My roommate mentioned the term "grow a pair".  I should've used that line.
But instead I, talking to the leader the whole time b/c the boy never made eye contact with me or talked to me, answered by saying "I'd consider if he would ask me himself." 
Ya know, like with words, generally in my direction and possibly eye contact?
I shouldn't have lingered at the water station.  I should have grabbed a drink and high tailed it.  Maybe dating is like the jungle, the predators take so long to pick a prey they finally get desparate by the end of the night and have to pick from the only ones left: the slow, ugly and fat ones.  
I'm somewhat glad the leader made up a date for us though.  Sadly.  Because I know if I said yes to a date with just the kid he would ask me where I want to go and/or not make a decision, or worst, make a really bad decision.
Then the leader proclaimed he did his job and left us.   He made a point to specifically tell the kid to get my number.  And I understand, sadly, he had to mention that for a reason. 
I don't recall the boy actually asking me out directly.
This kid obviously does not make decisions.  
He has lost a lot of points in less than an hour.
I wonder how long our date will last?  How many more points can he lose?
I tried to give him points by assuming he wanted (had a goal to have)  a date by the end of the night, even with some help.  Most guys' thought processes or goals don't get that far... 
Well, I'm at least glad, no matter how the date ends up, I'll be doing something I want to do.  And since he prolly won't make any decisions I can make him do the things I want to do and just be bossy and tell him what to do. 
I wonder how old this kid is.
I swear, if its not their parents that get in the way or are more interesting, its the leaders and their so-called "help".  Speaking of parents, I'm fairly certain he doesn't live with his parents.  That's a plus?  I think being a janitor is his career though... 
My last date I had was with a janitor as a career (same as his dad), in his 30's, living with his parents (didnt even pay rent, paid the cable bill which he was prolly the only one that used), made a decision for the date of cheap food and dancing to which he knew only two steps: back and forth, literally.  For hours. Kill me now.
This what we have become?  Adults who run to another generation for hand holding because we can't do it ourselves?   Now, adult peers running to each other, that would be normal.  Asking advice of either generation would be normal.  Wingmen are normal. Adults setting up adults on dates, blind or not.  That's normal, but shouldn't be. Getting your wingman to ask someone else out for you.  That's not normal.
Okay so, when a guy does something socially unacceptable like that in order to get a date and/or something just as awkward during the date.  Is there any reason why I can't do something stupid and awkward like that too?  Like say, bring a wingwoman with me on said date, having a third wheel?  Calling or texting someone the whole time I'm on date?  Tell him I don't want to go like 30 minutes before he's supposed to show up?  
What?!  If they think its acceptable to do such things, why can't I?  Esp after they did something stupid first!
I don't know how to play these games.  I shouldn't have to play these games. You'd think after like a decade of dating you'd have some of this figured out. 
I'm too old for this shit! 
Men, just grow a pair, ask a girl out, and make a freakin decision! 
 

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1312 - Baby Maggy June 2015 (31)
Magnolia Eryn was born
June 17, 2015 at 7:58am
9 lbs 2 ounces 21 inches long
Maggie be my 4th niece. 

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1311 (24)
 
Yesterday I went to the softball game for the first time this season to see the wards play each other. 
I saw a boy sitting by himself at the top of the bleachers so I decided to sit and talk with him.
No one was talking to me from my ward there near the first row of the bleachers, so I wandered up to talk this guy.  He was cute and alone.  And I knew, by experience, sitting alone sometimes is not enjoyable when no one will talk to you.
I started a conversation and found it surprisingly easy to talk to this guy. 
Sometimes guys, if totally shy, make it really hard and awkward to talk to them. 
But this guy was pretty easy going. And did I mention cute?
I learned he grew up in the area, his parents house was like a block away from the game, learned he was a duck hunter from his quacking phone... 
I enjoyed the chatter and it not being so awkward, all like 5 minutes of it.
Then his parents showed up to watch him play.
He literally turned his back on me and talked to his parents the rest of the game until it was his turn to play. 
I mean, I'm assuming those were his parents the way they interacted. It's not like he introduced me or anything or even acknoweledged my presence after that.
So I just want you to know...
I just want the parents to know...
That I tried. 
The reason your son isn't married is because he is too interested in talking to his parents than to notice and/or talk to the cute girl next to him. 
What kind of guy is more interested in talking to his parents than a cute girl??  Seriously.
Okay, maybe I'm jumping the gun on the whole "cute" factor, but still, a member of the opposite sex is engaging in a conversation with you. Based on his reaction that's a rare thing!  Don't let it slip away!  Esp don't let it slip away because of your parents! If nothing else, feel awkward/obligated enough to talk to her simply cuz she's the only one sitting next to you way up there on the bleachers!  Just because I might be ugly or "not your type" (as all the boys' excuses goes) it doesn't mean you can be mean to me and ignore me!
I don't usually have the courage to approach a stranger, purposely sit next to them, and actually try to have a conversation.  
In the world where guys are generally stupid, I just don't do that.  They react strangely (as if I asked them to marry me).  
Case in point.  And I feel like I waste my time. 
I can't stop rolling my eyes. 
Do they seriously wonder why they aren't married? 
A super attractive girl could come sit and try and talk with them and they'd still turn and talk to their parents or their guy friends.  They wouldn't know what "attractive" is if it hit them in the face. 
Is anyone going to see my attractiveness?  In the world of boys, do I even have any?  Is anyone going to talk to me for more than 5 minutes to find out my personality, which just might be my attractiveness?
-------------------------
I stepped out of the house around 9:15pm to go to the softball game. 
The temperature was perfect, the sun was setting, and the smell of cig smoke filled my nose.
I know several people that would complain about that scenario very blatantly.
But, it was the most comfortable feeling I've had in a long time. 
It brought back memories of the Summer of 2006 in WY.  And not entirely bad memories. 
It just made me smile to remember.  Remembering that feeling.  Remember Rich. 
It's weird, but it feels like I grew up with ppl smoking around me all my life, my house, my clothes, etc. and then when I moved out on my own  I didn't have that anymore, so sometimes when I smell it again it reminds me of home.  Cept none of that is true.
I remember people by their laughter and their smells. 
It's comforting.
---------------------------
I finally vacuumed the stairs.  That last of my dogs hair.  
The last of my dog.  
Gone from my house. 
 
 

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[2060] Le Temps d'un souffle coupe (60)
Marco Polo. the dog from Big "Squirrel!". I feel like I am moving one way and then all of a sudden there is the tiniest thought and it jerks me in some radom direction. Months ago I felt I had a direction... and I was usure but sure enough not to sway. Things happen tough. People let you down. or whatever.
 
Have you ever fallen in front of a large group of people and at first you think to catch yourself but then you think its probably a little to late for that so you just let it happen.. knowing whats coming.. and hopefully it doesnt hurt to bad... i feel like I am Bill Murray in groundhog day and its just this feeling over and over. not for one area but pretty much everything.
 
Everything is going to change. At this point even if it were possble to stay the same theyd change anyways.
 
Maybe I need to learn to let go. Altough. I dont think its a general problem. Certain things.
 
I've been trying to distract. I spend mostof my freetime right now trying to learn French in different ways and guitar. Guitar.. I like to think I am getting a little better ish.. but not really. And according to my memrise app, I'm not a beginninger anymore. Ha. Lies.
 
Sometimes I think the only reason I had ever been interested in acting is because other people tell you what to do and say.. no thinking. no wondering if it was ok. it just is. but i guess that is the point of all of this.. to move away from that, not into it. 
 
Ive never been good at finding the line.
 
Speaking of what I want to doo with my life.. i have no effing clue.
 
I feel like I am being eaten from the inside out.
 
Things could always be worse.
 
So much more but how.
 
 
 
 

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jardin (43)
i stopped a few days ago, i don't want to think about how long ago. i feel so much. sometimes i feel so great, elated. sometimes i feel so down. everything is always so extreme. i think i might be bipolar? maybe it's a product of my circumstances. whatever this is, it's fucking exhausting. i can think my way out of it, it's really a challenge.
where am i at and what do i want?
i find myself daydreaming about running away.
when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white.
i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship.
i am neither one or the other.
i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged.
i run and play with people that i respect.
i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself.
i have a cat and a dog, they're pals.
i am light, i float.
i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed.
my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills.
i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill.
i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up.
words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear.
i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.

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1310 (59)
My new obsession:  Fight Song
 
"Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
 
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time
 
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
 
Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe
 
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time
 
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
 
A lot of fight left in me
 
Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
 
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
 
Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me"
 
Read more:  Rachel Platten - Fight Song Lyrics | MetroLyrics  

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1309 - Baby Paul June 2015 (44)
Paul Onas was born June 2, 2015 at 2:30am
9lbs and 21 inches
Water Birth
This makes my 6th nephew. 
My 4th niece is coming soon. 
From the one pic I got like 8am this morning he looks a lot like Cole did when he came out and he was a water birth too.  Kind of the old man grumpy face look. 
His fathers middle name is Marion.  I think they are holding the tradition for ....interesting middle names for the boys. 
I think he was named after his grandpa, I think Stuarts real first name is Paul. 
I'm not sure so sure about these names nowadays.... 
Min went with Paul, Loryn went with Gunner (Gunny or Gun for short) and Magnolia (Maggy for short) for her new baby (Dal says "I've got my Gun, now I just need my Mags and I got it all" Get it gun and mag, a mag for the gun.  Yeah, he's a lil' obsessed) 
Natalie chose Mitchell and Felicity... we won't mention the twins,  I dunno.... 
This might be about all my nieces and nephews though. 
Paul is Min's fourth, and I'm sure, the last... Unless told otherwise... Min has 3 boys, 1 girl. 
Dustin had the twin girls with fertility help like 10 years after Scott and Hadden, so I think he's done. 
Dallin is having his second, which I think they were kind of reluctant to have... so I'm not sure they'll want any more... But I think Loryn had a plan in mind...
So Dal is prolly the only chance at any other babies until I start popping out some, which at this time table, might be awhile.  My kids will have no cousins their age.... like at all...
Natalie is on her 4th, 2 girls and 2 boys, and I think she's done after that unless she has accidents...
So if I count her kids, I have 8 boys and 6 girls!   And I'm not even 30 yet and I have all my neices and nephews that I'm gonna have probably... 
And then there's me.  *crickets*
Geez, by the time I have a baby its gonna be all the rage again cuz the family hasn't seen a new baby in so long... they'll get a lot of attention... whether they want it or not....
 

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Consent (61)
Maaaaaajor trigger warning for rape, sexual assault, and child molestation.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Sex Acts That Were Imposed Upon Me Without Consent The First Time I Experienced Them:
- Kissing
- Dry Humping
- French Kissing/Making Out
- Giving Manual Sex (Handjob)
- Giving Oral Sex (Blowjob)
- Receiving Manual Clitoral Stimulation 
- Receiving Oral Sex
- Receiving Manual Vaginal Penetration
- Receiving Oral Nipple Stimulation
- Receiving Tool-Assisted (Vibrator) Clitoral Stimulation
- Receiving Foreign Objects Into Vagina
- Receiving Anal Penetration By A Penis
- My First Orgasm
NOTE FOR THE VICTIM BLAMING/DENYING FUCKERS OUT THERE: ALL OF THESE WERE BY AGE 12.
 
 
 
Sex Acts I Actively Consented To The First Time I Experienced Them:
- PIV Sex
 
 
So case anyone was wondering, that's probably why I enjoy PIV Sex not leading to my orgasm the best out of all the kinds of sex.

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friction (47)
These cells are movI ng so quickly. I don't know where i'm at or who i am anymore. I cannot seem to find myself. 
 
I am not working.
i am not dealing with all the lovely events.
I'm using stupid means to become numb.
 
 

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1308 (67)
Another bout of missing my dog, Max.  It's been two months now since he's been gone.
I attempted to take pictures on our last day together with a film camera. 
I still have a love of film, kids, as cool as digital is nowadays.
But of course, all the pictures in the house were too dark and with a black dog it doesn't work in my favor.
I wish I could post pictures on here.  I'd show you. 
There's a basically black picture, but a white door you can barely see, and in the white space you can see my black blob of a dog.  Well, I can. 
No one else would know what that picture is supposed to be.
But I've seen that scene so many times over the last few years that I know what it is. 
And it breaks my heart that no one else knows what that picture is of. 
No one else knows.  
No one else has these memories or visions of my dog in the house. No one can see it.  Its just me. 
I feel so alone in these feelings. 
Its like your the only one that knows that someone else existed in your life so its up to you to remember them. 
With losing a spouse you know there's another family out there that has memories about this loved one. But there not the same kind as your memories.  In your own home you are the only one that remembers the things they did in the house, where they put the ketchup in the fridge, where they usually sat to watch TV, where they threw their socks, etc. Their parents and siblings don't go around remembering things like that because they haven't lived with them for awhile and not in your house.  Leaving you the only one staring at the kitchen chair remembering when they sat there and laughed their heads off at something they heard or saw that day.  No one else knows that they threw a spoonful of noodles at you that one time and how their laughter rung in your house. No one else knows the look on their face when you returned the favor. And every one of your family members who passes by you thinks you are weird for staring at a chair and/or crying about a simple kitchen chair. 
It becomes an overwhelming feeling of lonelines at times. 
No one else knows that picture is of my dog at the top of the stairs.
No one else knows the look on his face, in his eyes, the anticipation of "are you coming back up or are you leaving me?" wondering if he should follow me.
No one else knows the way his ears are when he seems to ask me this at the top of the stairs. 
No one else knows the way he looks when he's at the bottom of the stairs either looking up at me. In this case he is always thinking about going up the stairs simply cuz I went up, even if I tell him to stay, I'll be right back.
Those are private moments I saw daily in my own house that no one else experienced and I feel sad and alone that no one else knows that part of my dog. 
I know what that picture is of, but maybe a few years down the road I'll forget.  But for now, that picture of blackness is labeled "I know what this is". 
Of course, after losing a dog you see dogs everywhere you go. I saw the neighbors dog recently.  I didn't want to touch him in case I did something weird like hug him to death and start crying. He's not even two years old and as big as my dog was. 
And then I realized what I miss most:
When he stood at the top of the stairs and I crawled up them, an easier angle to sneak in and steal a kiss from his cheek as he looked down at me.  The reason I attempted to take that picture in the first place.
I miss sneaking in kisses to the top of his head.
I miss kissing him. 
I'm sure he doesn't tho.  
But honestly, I do have to say, I am afraid to love again. 
I want another animal, but I don't, because I know they will die in my lifetime.  
But I've heard the first time is always the hardest and it might get easier.
"Grief never ends... but it changes.  
It is a passage, not a place to stay.  
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...
It is the price of love." 

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Rambling nonsense (60)
It's the turnaround of the turnaround that I thought the turnaround was.
 
..
 
Energy increase is irregular, but energy decrease is regular.
 
..
 
"My pizza guy looked like a hotter Wayne from Wayne's World."

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Social normz (61)
Today during a training at work I had a surreal moment.
 
There were four people in the room, sitting on couches around a small coffee table laden with snacks. It was, basically, a pretty informal setting.
 
Getting comfortable, I noticed that the best way to sit on the old and awkward couch was with my feet tucked up under me.
 
Then I realized it's rude to put your shoes on the furniture. So I decided to take them off. 
 
Then I realized it's probably rude to take your shoes off during a work meeting, even if it's pretty informal as work meetings go.
 
So I asked if everyone was comfortable with me taking off my shoes.
 
One person seemed pretty uncomfortable with the idea, and said the same.
 
I explained my reasoning and she relaxed a little, but probably still didn't want me to take my shoes off. I just said I'd go ahead and not put my feet on the couch. Even though it was less comfortable that way. I didn't say that last part.
 
Anyway, a few minutes later I noticed she was wearing flip-flops. I could basically see her whole naked feet. Even if I had taken my shoes off, my feet would have been completely covered by my socks.
 
So clearly foot nudity level wasn't the issue. What was? I certainly don't know. 
 
tl;dr social conventions make no fucking sense.
 
 

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[2025] Coup de Grace (539)
I feel like I'm walking on a tight rope but its a welcome alternative.. anything over the constant feeling of falling backwards through the air. Maybe i thought the feeling was thrilling?.. i was intoxicated on ideas based on my own feelings not facts.. breeding reason out of thin air. But there was no end. Or maybe there was and it just happened. i guess it does feel as if i smacked into the earth. 
 
Anywho. That was probably the longest drawn out lesson of my life...   I feel like utter crap and better than i have in a long time.. the two feelings beg for my attention. Im not worried about it though. Its crazy how 1 word or thought can trigger a simple epiphany that explodes eith a million tiny epiphanies and everything suddenly starts making all kinds of stupid sense. And its stupid because i should have known in the first place.
 
I have too much to do to worry about all this anymore. I just dedicated 9 months of my life to anlost cause. I can think of a better use of 9 months... or could. I dont think i want that anymore. I dont know what i want.
 
Dont you hate when someone tells you their going through the smae thing as you.. like. For example if you told someone your uncle died and they responded with.. "oh yeah for sure i just lost my pet gold fish". Im not saying you cant get attached to a gold fish but come freaking on.. almost 12 years and 3 weeks are not compareable. (All uncles and fishies.. that i know of.. are fine.) Just saying. 
 
 
Its ok though. 
 
TheBirdistheWrd . Thats my instagram. Idk why I'm posting it. I haven't before and i dontsee a reason no to. Just bored i guess. 
 
My cat is trying to cuddle with my phone while i write this.. grr. Move yo face kitteh.
 
From now on I'm only caring about things that either care back or make me feel good. Everything else can suck it. 
 
Drums? 
 
 
 

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[2017] The Way That It Will Be (80)
I feel lost, too.
 
I wouldn't say I don't have a direction.. I think more accurate would be, if I am a boat in the ocean, I have a direction but no paddle. And I actually have a few directions that could make sense... but right now they all depend on distance (as in time and effort) to get there instead of what I would pick if distance wasnt an issue. Lik if I had a motor. Or a dragon. Yes.
 
I feel like a broken record. Saying th same things to absolutely everyone, including myself. making decisions in my head but not turning choices into actions and moving forward. Just staying and expecting things to change. I hurt everyone around me. I try to be selfless and end up being more selfish than before. I don't understand how it happens. I don't know what to do. I know what I want, what I should want, what I could want, etc etc... i know a lot of things that dont  matter.
 
The fire in my chest ignnited again today and I dont think its going to go away. It never did. Why am I surprised. Did I expect anything else..
 
I feel like I've been split into several different people all sitting around a conference table debating what they think I should do every second of every day and in general. Maybe its always been this way but there was aa dominant voice that I refered to as myself and chose to listen to the most. but now they all sound the same. And nothing I do makes sense from one second to the next because these people are nothing alike. One day I think one way and the next someone else takes over and the things I thought the day before dont make sense.. or do but i couldnt care less because so does this new voice. i dont actually hear voices.... that'd be nice though. sometimes the silence is overwhelming.
 
I feel old. the last 2 years. Like its too late for anything to be "fixed". And then I feel ridiculous for thinking that way.
 
I've decided to put all my old dreams away for good. Develop new dreams. Stop putting timeframes on plans. Nothing ever works out the way you want. Planning is good to an extent. Waiting for the right time.. waiting for things to feel "right" isn't a way to live. But even if you dont think that way.. others usually feel that way so what you want doesnt matter anyways.
 
Everyday, at least for now, I work out for my body, learn french for my mind, and play guitar for my soul. I wish I could say its enough. Its not but it definitely helps.
 
Right now I feel like getting as far away from this place as possible. Not just that but disappearing. One day just leaving a note for everyone I know who cares (and thats not many) and just leave and not say where or why just leave and not give a date for coming back or say whether i am or not. For several different reasons. I have some issues.. some things that happened. things i dont think will go away. i thought i could deal with some stuff.. and instead.. well it doesnt matter.. but i realized.. even if i deal with one thing another will take its place, whether its the same sort of situation or something else. and whats the point? Why try? Why not just steer into the skid? What if this is God or the unverse telling me what it thinks of me.. what I'm worth.. or I just have really bad luck. I'm too naive. I'm too fragile. I'm too trusting. As much as I would love to say I dont trst anyone (and I often do) it isnt true. i trust everyone. I fall in love with everyone i meet. Not in an in love love way but you know what i mean. or you dont.what was the point? Right... I'm just screwed. I can continue to try and be what I think I should be and try to do good because that's what i think is important and genuinely want or just say screw it.. and give in to this feeling. meh. I dont know how to explain what that would mean without gtting into stuff i dont care to talk about. but i feel like whatever is causing that feeling is growing and isnt going to stop any time soon.
 
 
Its not fair to want things to go back to the way they were before.
 
I try putting myself in other peoples shoes. Not just saying it but really.. I spend way too much time just imagining how it would be.. and how i would feel.. thats what makes everything so hard.. i dont want to hurt anyone. but i cant do this anymore. and no matter what i choose i will hurt too in some way. no matter what. being honest was enough in the beginning but not anymore. the only thing that matters now is following through. how. its impossible. feelings are such shit. they just screw everything up.
 
at least I am on my own. at least.
 
i miss jefri. weird subject change but today i thought.. what got me through before? What is  making it so hard? And i dont know.. but i had beeen really busy with him.. especially as he got older and needed constant attention.. he was like a baby. and he looked so cute in his little premie diapers... a buny in a diaper is probably the best thing ever.. and sad. but he wasnt suffering. he didn't not even at the end. he was happy. but it wasn't just that.. he was with me through a lot. its stupid but.. lol its stupid.. but i had him 10 years and when i was sad we would sit and i would cry and he would lick me like he knew. and he wasnt just a rabbit.. everyone said he was like a puppy.  Idk he'd lick my nose and cuddle against my leg. i guess its been about 8 months and i havent thought about it. i got rid of all his stuff the same day he passed because i didnt want to look at it. but now its like he never was. i kept some stuff. the bear he loved and licked so much his nose came off. And his socks. Yeah.. he had socks. and little stuff like that. idk its weird. the middle of last year can forever be labeled the season of major change. its weird that he isn't here when i need him.. i feel a little foolish for saying that but its true.
 
I'm think I'm going to watch a movie. I've been watching the show bob's burgers.. lol tim was watching it and i was giving him a hard time... said it looked really lame. well i was wrong. its probably the only thing that can make me laugh right now. cartooooons. and the voice of louise is the girl from flight of the conchords.. the really obnoxious fan and she's in that new show (which is also pretty funny) last man on earth. the first 2 episodes of that show are amazing. now its just good.
 
I have to make cake pops for my mom tomorrow. meh. and decorate them. double meh. i usually wouldnt care but idk. i dont feel great. i'm half way between wanting to curl up in a ball and rock back and forth or banging my head against a wall.. at least i dont want to stab myself repeatedly in the heart just to prove to myself that that's not what I am actually experiencing. lol Im stupid.
 
wah wah wah.. this is why i want to just leave. I am so annoyed with myself. saiasildalsdlsakmdaksm. and my entries just get longer and longer because i think if i just get it all out I'll feel better but I dont.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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The things that haunt my waking. (100)
I know the answer to a great many questions. Questions that only lead to more questions.
 
You still love a woman. Still want a woman.
 
You don't think that means the end of our marriage. But let me explain it to you.
 
You can't wrap me in your arms with the sensuality I crave. Your love won't comfort me when I am lost, as men get lost sometimes (and need to be found between the legs of another). Making love to you is mechanical, and I am not.
 
You say you want to be my wife, to be the best wife for me. You want to be monogomous. But even while you say this you clench tightly to a relationship with the very woman who tears us apart.
 
Your love still outweighs your hatred of Valerie Fuller.
 
And you lie to me, and probably yourself. But you cling to her gifts as you once did mine. And you quietly (and behind my back) make arrangements to see her. To be near her. To fill that ACHE. The ache of desire is a cup never filled.
 
And now to the truth that matters:
 
To be married is for us to serve each other. In this moment you ache for another, and you are still having an affair. Still trying to fill your needs outside of your commitments. Still trying to get as close to what you want as you can. I know where that leads. And if you were to sacrifice those needs and commit only to your marriage, would you truly, could you truly be happy? Would I? I think we both know the answers to these questions. And as much as you don't want to face the truth of it, our marriage ending is mostly your own fault. Your own biological inability to love a man as he deserves to be loved (if there is such a thing as deserving love).
 
I don't know how to start over. With or without you.
 
And I don't like that I get to add you to the long list of people who have failed to love me. Perhaps it's just another incarnation of the phrase "we accept the love we think we deserve."
 
I don't know who I am enough to know how this plays out. I know that I have no obligation to be kind while you are cruel. I know that for now I am more interested in being fair.
 
This is likely to be a test of forebearance for us both. And I don't know where it goes...

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the last cold step (288)
this will be the last
sitting
on the staircase
of your apartment building
arms around knees
balled
chipping salmon-colored walls
leaning on the black
shining railing
i've gotten closer
with this railing
than i ever did
with you
i've familiarized myself
with this cold step
the mornings after
makeup dripping
on my lap and hands
my hair spilling in tangled dreads
my body and soul worn inside out
like dirty socks
from not being able
to say 
i love you
 
this cold step
it and i
shared our moments
last

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New Chapter (156)
Life is a trip. been on this work trip for 2 weeks now .. day 16 in a row. 10+ hour days. Its been really nice being up here on this trip though. I feel like after this past trip up to uncle gary's, and now being in grass valley, I have a new state of mind. One free from my depression, anxiety and doubts. I need to let all the negative go and forgive myself for my past. I've almost been thinking that my car accident really messed up my head as a kid. I'm starting to remember things about my childhood that I had long forgoten. Memories that bring me joy but also humble me. Thats what I want to be: Humble. Its a word that I've used a lot without ever really feeling it. There is plenty of work to be done in my life right now. After this trip I am going to go home and re-do our bathroom. Fix the panneling, the shower, the floor, the cieling.  Ive been taking a lot of pride in the work that I have done lately. And pride is something I havent had in a long time. It feels good to be proud. Going to continue with the welding classses and the growing. Gotta get home to build a flower room and build some gardening boxes. ugh so much to do! So very excited about the future!

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1307 (439)
Its been one month and 3 days since my dog died. 
It was the first Saturday this weekend I had to myself at home since he died. 
Maybe it was the weather, the house and the memories, or simply not having anything to do that made me sad. 
I kept thinking "its Saturday and I dont have any plans I should take the dog for a walk." 
and then I remember....
 
I thought that in the morning, remembering how he bugs me to death until I take him for a walk. 
But there was no nose in my face.  No expectant look.  No jumping around in excitment.  No leash.  No collar clanking.  No dog jumping out the door.  No dog racing ahead of me down the sidewalk. 
There was no reason to go for a walk.
Finally, by like 3:30 I couldn't take the memories and subconcious thoughts of him bugging me until we go for a walk. 
So I 'took the dog for a walk'.
I walked around the block by myself.
I've already started to forget him.
It seems too soon. 
I miss you, Max.
 

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1306 (347)
I have a pet peeve that is climbing to the top of my list recently...
Its actually yet another spin off of my original pet peeve so its still No 1 pet peeve of mine:  Suffering the consequences of someone elses decisions. 
In this case, someone elses LACK of decisions.
As a Young Single Adult we always get the same speech:  "go on dates, get married, have children"
And it's usually the men that get an additional speech like unto:  "stop procrastinating, stop delaying, get off the video games, get off your butt and ask a girl out! In person, not in text" 
And to this the girls, who are pushing 30 and just want children, they respond with a resounding "Yeah! What he said." 
I'm not entirely sure what my pet peeve is exactly...
Is it the fact the girls dump all the responsibility on the guys?  And they wait and wait for them to make a move? They do nothing to change their situation?  I mean, sure, generally its the guys responsibility, but we are in the 21st century here, things have changed since when our parents dated. 
Is it the fact they whine and complain about the guys not doing anything for years....and years... and years?  I find myself nodding.
Or is it the fact the reason they are complaining about not being married at 26-28 is because their happiness depends on being married and/or having children?
I guess my pet peeve is all rolled up into all three there... 
Every time there is the lecture to get off your butt and ask people out on dates all the girls ALWAYS assume they are talking to just the boys even when the girls are there listening too.  The girl next to me made the comment of "I'm not the one delaying"  as in she's not the one procrastinating going on dates. 
I wanted to call "bullshit" right there! 
She may not technically be responsible for asking boys out, but she sure as hell is going to complain about it the rest of her life and/or NOT do ANYTHING to CHANGE her situation and just blame boys.  She doesn't even show up to activities to even MEET boys, let alone stick around long enough for one to ask her out.  She does the minimum of going to church and lack of talking/participating with others, let alone boys.  
Seriously, a boy isn't going to go hunting in all the closets looking for you.  They barely find you when you stand right in front of them. 
Don't get me wrong, I do not defend the boys and their laziness of lack of dating.
But I am not commending the women who complain, blame others, and do nothing to change their circumstances and base their happiness on said circumstances!
As for the dating world in 2015, I say both genders are lame and are doing nothing to change the future of dating, marriage, and families.
A prime example is my roommate.  She may want to smack me for all the sugar and junk food I eat as she eats no sugar at all and only eats fruit and exercises, but man I want to smack her when it comes to boys....
She's a 26 yr old that wants to be married and having children like...yesterday. I'm not sure the girls actually want the boys per say, but they are necessary when having children?  I dunno.  Their priorities and motivations are all hidden it seems.
But, like most of us at this age, we have an ideal guy in mind (aka perfect, aka doesn't exist) so then we start getting really picky. Stuck in our ways.  'I won't date him cuz he's not my ideal height.'  'I won't date white guys because I'm not attracted to them as much.'  I won't date a guy who doesn't have a career, a degree, an RM, etc. etc.  the list goes on and on....  Granted, that narrows the list GREATLY.  And to be so closeminded you might just miss the love your life... But I won't get into that...
Knowing the types you are attracted to is a big part of dating, but you don't need to stick to yer ideal like glue, have an open mind.  I dated tall, short, redhead, old man, blonde, burnette, calm, divorced, temperamental rm, not rm, smoker, immature, religious, non-religious etc. 
And then, of course, she is also one that just goes to church does the minimum talking to get through the hours and goes home and never shows up until the next Sunday.  Doesn't go to any activities to get to know any of the boys.  She works at her sisters house, stays there until like 7, exercises but not even in a public place, comes home and sits in front of the TV or reads until bedtime (which is often going to bed early).   She doesn't meet anyone!  How does she expect someone to ask her out?  A boy is not going to figure out where she lives and knock on her door! 
And then, by some miracle, a boy from church did ask her out and she moans and groans cuz he doesn't fit her ideal attractiveness.  Seriously!  Boys should get a serious pat on the back just for being brave enough to ask a girl out!  Recently, all I ask for is for a boy to know how and actually flirt!  Asking out on a date is too much, but at least try and flirt!  And here she is complaining some guy asked her out.  I don't know what she wants from these boys! 
And now, since she went out with said boy and he asked her out again, suddenly she has all these stipulations about how her dates have to go in order to be satisfied.  They have to be "low key" and since she is such a tight wad, they have to be inexpensive so she knows they are like financially compatible or whatnot.  *rolls eyes*  GAH!  
It's so frustrating.  No wonder the men don't date!
If he takes her bowling she'd cut him off right there!  Cuz she's like an old lady who goes to bed early and can't do anything exciting, her excitement level is like taking a walk or getting a drink. 
I have been thinking about it a lot and I've realized my roommate is no fun.  She goes to bed early, doesn't eat sugar, doesn't do anything fun or spontaneous, it seems to have to be planned, she doesn't spend money, etc., she's like a married person with children already.  Natalie, being married and with children, is more fun and spontaneous than my roommate. 
This girl was ready to write him off her list simply because he wasn't tall enough!
Attraction is important, but c'mon, give the personality a chance!
*bangs head on desk*
I mean I'm not attracted to the skinny jeans kind of skinny boys, but I'm not going to say no if they ask me out and I'm not going to say yes begrudgingly either.  Although I don't think skinny boys would ask me out cuz I'm fat.... but whatever. 
I do not believe I fall into this pet peeve category.  I do not find happiness in pursuit of boys, marriage, and children. In fact, I am somewhat repulsed by it.  So I'm not complaining that no one is asking me out cuz I really don't care, and if I cared enough I would ask the boy I'm interested in out.  I do sometimes complain that the boys don't ask some of my friends out cuz they are great girls and no one is taking the time to figure that out and its frustrating. 
Marriage and children seem to be every girls goal in life, but its not the first thing I think of... I dont really know what I think of.  I dont even have a career goal really.  I guess I'm happy where I am.  And in time that will change and my goals will change (and/or I will have some) and maybe I'm weird because I'm not obsessed with having a husband and children.  But I think its okay to be content with you are at any given point in your life and come what may.  Don't fret about the things you can't change, like children, but don't sit back and blame others for things you can change, like dating!  
Its not rocket science.  Going to activities + doing what yer supposed to (FHE) + meeting new people (aka talking to others) might actually = date.  Sitting at home all week is not going to get you closer to meeting a guy which leads to a date. 
I'm not even obsessed with dating and I go out (in public) all the time! Almost 5 out of 7 days a week, talk to people, go to activities, learn new things, etc.  I have a better chance of dating and I'm not sure I even want it!  I have a better chance simply cuz I am more open minded... granted, you prolly shouldn't be as open minded as I am, you should have some priorities that are important to you like dating a religious person or whatnot, or non-smoker if thats important to you, etc... 
I swear if I hear one more girl stand behind those lectures saying "Yeah! Get off your butt.  I'm not getting any younger." Essentially saying "Its your fault I'm not dating/married and having children by now" I'm gonna go all ape shit crazy.  Or any more ridiculous comments, "I'm not the one procrastinating"  or "he's not tall enough"  Or "the dates have to be low key, I do low key", "they have to have this eye color", "they have to say this exact thing"  blah blah blah.
And to the boys, I know its difficult, we girls are difficult, but the things worth the most in life are difficult, so buck up and grow a pair and come deal with us difficult women!  Go make a girl fall in love with you if you have too.  Noah in 'The Notebook' did... worked out for him... Be intriguing for once in your life!
Somebody DO something!  Stop complaining! 

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Untitled (63)
It's like there is always something missing.

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[2006] Things That Matter (112)
A quick cure for pretty much anything that makes you want to bury your head in the sand, light yourself onn fire, or some other melodramatic action that no one cares about.. go down the list until you feel better.
 
1. Sweat. Sweat out all the negative toxins.. they're yucky.
2. Replace them with COPIOUS amounts of chocolate. This is important.
3. Sing at the top of your lungs. If your voice doesn't crack youre not doing it right
4. Dance in your underroos. Actually. Just do everything in your underroos from now on. Pants are overrated. Also, adopt the word underroos.
 
 
"Things that matter most must never be at the mercy of things that matter least"
- johann wolfgang von goethe
 
 
meh, what else..
 
 
 
 

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[2005] It (406)
doesnt matter
 
 
Hear. Say. Repeat. A lot.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Sunset (187)
Her scent on the pillow, it drives me wild. I want to fall asleep to it, nuzzle up next to it and drift away, dreaming of rainbows and cupcakes and running through the sprinklers on a hot summer day in July but it’s gone. It’s like she was never here. The beer cans by the chair? Cleared up. The pretzels on the floor? Scooped up. I have this eerie feeling that the end is near. It’s coming. Her part in my story might be wrapping up but I still have more to write for her, storylines I want her character to go through with me, the unreliable narrator. Scenes that are supposed to play out, at midnight on the edge of the beach, in the sand writing messages to aliens, tired but pushing on to make it to sunrise. I want to make it to that sunrise but I’m afraid I’m staring at a sunset with darks times in front of me. A sunset that covers her in darkness and clouds her from my sight, I'm unable to see her and she won't remember me. We'll just be foggy memories to eachother, ships on opposite sides of the world searching for eachother but going the wrong way. I'm always going the wrong way. 

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[2002] Must Be Nice (111)
Things are weird.
 
Last weekend tim and i met with our tenants to renew their lease. We've been so lucky.. they are amazing tenants. Keep the place spotless, no complaints and they pay early or on time. I'm glad we decided to give them the benefit of the doubt.. one of them had something strange oj their credit report but they explained that it was wrong but still i asked a close friend of mine who rents out lots of places what she would do and she said she wouldnt risk it. But tim said he trusted them. And his intuition is usually pretty good.
 
The condo was udnerwater just last year.. we owed more than it was worth. And it felt like a bad investment. all the renovations felt like a waste of time and money.. but now it seems silly to have worried.. the market is doing better and its worth at least 30k more than we owe now. Not that we'd sell.. but if there was a need to we could now.  Just feels good to know it wasnt all for nothing. Blood sweat and tears sometimes does pay off.
 
Speaking of blood sweat and tears.. i go through waves.. idk how it is for other people who have been through similar situations but.. sometimes i am on top of the world and feel confident and strong and capable of anything and whats happened to me and my past and my pain only fuels me and drives me to push myself.. and i know it coulf be worse and i remember that when i start to feel bad.. and sometimes.. like now.. it weighs and keeps weighing me down further and further until i feel completely useless and hopeless and alone. Worthless. Pathetic. Incapable of even the simplest tasks. Trying my best to focus on skmeyhing that matters. Obsessing over things that dont. Wanting to slip into denial. Its what i do best. But I'm learning. Slowly. Denial isnt the answer. I can overcome these things. I have before. My pain doesn't define me. I've been so low and conflicted. But thats not who i am and I'm not going to force myself out of it before i am ready but i know i need to work towards moving on. From several things. Whether i want to move on from some things or not i have to. There's nothing to hold me back. This started about one thing and switched to something else so its confusing but.. its 2 very stressful and very different things I'm going through and i just need to get over both.
 
In related news..  i dont like looking at my lion. I dont like holding him. Idk.
 
I need to run. I might join that kickboxing class with my mom. She keeps asking me to go. 
 
So much is going on.
 
I've been learning french on my duolingo app. 5 day streak.. ive been doing it for a couple weeks but 5 days is the longest.  I can say stupid stuff that no sane person would ever need to say.. like the monkey eats the pasta. Or pink elephants wear hats. Hehe. All the different tenses are freaking hard though... and i guess duolingo is good with reading and hearing stuff but i still sound super weird when i say stuff. O well. Anyways its been a really good, easy distraction. Not that french is easy.. its ridiculous sometimes.. doesnt make any freaking sense.. but its easy to get lost in it.
 
I was working on my site last week. I guess i dropped the ball recently. I cant concentrate on anything.. had a lot on my mind.  But i recently got a bunch of it off my chest..  maybe itll help.. idk. 
 
Its weird.. i dont know why but when people hurt me and say sorry... i feel more bad for them having to tell me sorry than i do for myself having to be told. Its almost like i feel the need to tell them to stop and its ok.. dont be sorry... not almost.  Always. and i do that a lot.. "no its ok. Its fine". Without even thinking. But some stuff i dont think should be so easy. At all. Some stuff.. it just is. I cant explain.. but. Sorry isnt enough. And yet i still feel bad that its being offered.  I shouldnt care.
 
I have to go to a dentist appointment at 2. Its almost 10am. Havent slept all night and all morning. Tried. Cant. Might try again but i dont want to miss it. So i guess staying up works. I havent slept much. I dont drink enough water. Havent worked  out in a couple days. I look like crap. I feel like crap. At the same time... i actually dont feel as crappy as i would expect myself to feel considering the clusterf*ck of nonsense going on right now.
 
I'm hungry. 
 
I think its great some people find the means to get over things so quickly.  Must be nice.  
 
I want chocolate.
 
I have. So much. To do.  Its. Insane.
 
 
 

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Chin up. (96)
There are a few songs that I feel
have the power to put me back together.
Songs that illuminate my fears and
force me to cry out the toxins that cloud
my body. I go through waves.
Waves of complete and utter self
awareness. Waves of indifference to
my own body and the person I've become.
This ebb and flow eventually ways on me
untill one day-- its like i wake up from a slumber.
After days, weeks, months of instability
masked by laughter and smiles-- I wake  up
and hate the girl who looks back at me in the
mirror.
Do I even know her anymore? Is she apart of me?
Against me?
My realization sends me into a spiral.
I have to fix everything. All at once.
Everything. But its impossible.
I crash. I burn.
But then one of these songs comes on..
it goes through everything---
my body, my mind, my soul.
And rejuvenates me and puts me back together
whole.

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Childhood Trauma Blues (104)
Child abuse has been foremost on my mind lately. Namely, how utterly fucked up I am from it.
 
I want to become a specialist in child abuse. Advocacy, teacher intervention, and counseling with adolescent and adult survivors.  I want to educate people on the subject. I want to write memoirs, and self-help guides, and academic works on the subject, and perhaps most of all, fiction that kids and teens can read and know that they are not alone.
 
I have recently learned (a little - basically the Wikipedia version) about complex ptsd. It's not like typical ptsd. It's a totally different diagnosis, stemming from chronic trauma, and can present without full-on flashbacks.
 
 
So.... Yeah. I totally have that.
 
I noticed the other day that I was having kind of emotional flashbacks. I often get completely emotionally overwhelmed at the thought of ding housework. Cleaning house was a huge issue for me in my childhood. I didn't pick up on it as quickly as reading or math, and my grandma didn't have any patience to teach me. But she had plenty of energy for punishment. If it wasn't perfect, if it wasn't done exactly right or exactly on time, I was in for a session of severe abuse.
 
Flash forward to the present day: I am an absolute perfectionist. If I cannot be absolutely certain that I can complete a task perfectly, and (this is important) without interruption, I will not begin it at all. I focus in on absurdly small details. I can spend hours cleaning the refrigerator. I use up every bit of energy in my body. By the end, I am frothing at the mouth from dehydration. And very little has gotten done. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. I can only do this once a month or so.
 
It is impossible for me to keep up with the messiness of everyday life.
 
My social skills, too, have suffered. I confuse deference with politeness. I wait and wait and wait on people. I don't express opinions unless someone has already expressed that opinion to a favorable response. I appear to be a follower or a parrot.
 
I am so afraid that people will reject me, that I lead them to do so. It is also exhausting. I have lost so many friends. It hurts to make more as I try to improve my social skills. It hurts because I know there is a chance that I will lose the next batch, too. It greatly discourages progress and practice.
 
That's another thing. I don't like doing anything I am not already good at. I have never been exposed to patient, encouraging tutelage. I don't even know how to take encouragement.


 
 

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Prediction (103)
No one at all shows up to my birthday party, I look like an asshole taking up a whole 8-person booth for six hours with dwindling, bittering, stubbornly undying hope that someone, anyone out there actually wants to spend time with me.

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A funny thing (75)
The closest I came to telling anyone about being molested was with my other two molestors.

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step back. (107)
I was much more a badass then. Back when very little mattered to me.
Now im hunkered down with baggage. Love. Selflessness. God. Morals. Honesty. All of those nasty little bugs that sneak in. Settle in.
How  disturbing. Maybe i was before off with a heart of stone.

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1305 - quotes (107)
I went looking for an "Always Kiss the Cook" vinyl decal for my kitchen and found some more vinyl decals with quotes that remind of some of my family if I could give each of them one... 
I've wanted the "Always Kiss the Cook" pritti much since the WY summer of 2006 when I would go get breakfast the "mess hall" and whats-his-face the cook man would never hand me a plate of breakfast until I gave him a kiss on the cheek.  It made me laugh.  As long as it wasn't the old man creepy cook. 
They have John Lennon lyrics, Winnie the Pooh, Harry Potter, Where the Wild Things Are, and of course Dr. Suess. 
And they have a The Notebook quote on vinyl too!  Haha!  That's for me.
"So it's not going to be easy,
Its going to be really hard.
We are going to have to work at this every day.
But I want to do that because I want you 
I want all of you, forever!" 
AND
"I want you
I want all of you, forever, every day
You and me, every day."
 
"Although she be but little, she be FIERCE"  -Shakespeare
 
"Don't try to hard to fit in. 
You were born to stand out."  
 
"I have found the one my soul loves"  - Songs of Solomon
 
"Life is like a camera , 
focus on whats important,
capture the good times,
develop from negatives
and if things dont work out
take another shot " 
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." 
"We may not have it all together, but together we have it all." 
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"I was born to be stubborn
to be a little bit bitchy
to push people, to push myself
I was taught never to take life for granted
to live a little, to love with everything I had
to never give up, to believe in myself
but most of all, to fight for myself."  
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its learning to dance in the rain."
"Faith is not believing that God can, it is knowing He will." 
"For God so loved the world He gave His One and Only Son." - John 3: 16
"God bless the broken road, that led me straight to you" -Rascall Flatts
"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."  -Marilyn Monroe
"Hakuna Matata - it means no worries" - The Lion King
"We are all a little weird
life's a little weird, and when we find someone
whose weirdness is compatible with ours,
we join up with them
we fall in mutual weirdness and call it love!" 
-Dr. Seuss
 

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being heard. (84)
i yelled and i was heard; i was so unaware. i blinded myself, so focused on the chemistry in my body that made my right hand numb.
sleep, that's what i would like.
they were right, i've been moving through life on emotional loans. self-medicating the symptoms, somewhat aware of the complexity of the underlying issues. i've sheltered myself in a quilt of denial, it's been so cold. 
where do i go from here?
this is the first time i do something for myself in months? 
my cells die and i still move. the thought of that gives me goose bumps. why am i stil here?
what am i working towards? i've lost sight of what's important. i feel sick. 
i close my eyes and my body wants to collapse but the caffeine in my system won't allow it. i blame the caffeine but i know it's a combination of anxiety and hunger.
i want to search for a little corner and rest. my little corner. can i sleep? this doesn't feel real.
i'm so cold.
what do i do. a question that's more of a statment.
a wooden bat.
what have i done.

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[1997] Coincidental (340)
DISAPPOINTED!!!!

Lol in case anyone is wondering... that's my spot on impression of kevin sorbo and his brilliant acting skills in this Hercules outtake...

 




 
Haha. Ok. No. Serious time though. Things have been meh. Meh to the max. Times a floppity gillion and rolled in severed body parts. But lately, unlike before europe, I've been surprisingly up beat and positive. Idk. Lol i have no reason to be. Uhg. I don't know.. maybe because i realize for the first time in a long while that i am not quite so old as I force myself to believe.. and maybe this is still just the beginning of good things. Maybe. No.. probably.
But yeah yesterday was weird. Not weird weeeird. More like a rollercoaster of emotional turmoil. But I am figuring things out, contrary to what many people might think... slowly but surely. I've always been a bit on the impulsive side.. trying to be different. Trying. Slow and steady wins the race? That doesn't apply here does it? 

Its cold. I had a dentist appointment today. The first one in like 6 or 7 years. Gross i know.  Not because i couldn't afford it or something.. honestly for the first few years i just didn't even think about it.. and then once i did i kept putting it off.. and then forgetting about it. Since being back I've felt so much more proactive in every area.. i guess this was no exception. The lady that took my x-rays looked at me and said "in over 6 years?.. but.. honey how old are you??" .. I've been getting so used to this reaction lately.. i dont see it as an imposition anymore but a genuine curiosity for most people who meet me and there is an implication that I'm not a teenager. i really personally dont think i look as young as they say.. maybe 25. But most people still think I'm way younger.. i thought they were all just being nice but it happened even more in europe. It happens any time i meet anyone really. 90% of the time it happens every time. Heh. Anyways then the dentist came and did the exact same thing and her and the xray tech both speculated on it for a minute. Its always uncomfortable but again.. starting to gwt used to it. I mean. Its a good thing. I enjoy it now but it is still super awkward. She was really impressed that my mouth was in good condition considering how long it had been. And no cavities c: its especially flattering when a dentist asks if you've had braces before and you haven't. So yeah.. i don't know why people hate the dentist.. totally made my day today. And i needed a little pick me up considering all the crap I've been worrying about.


That reminded me of this scene from mean girls..
"Alyssa, I'm sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. Its not your fault you're so gap-toothed" Hee
 
 
Now I'm eating at Mighty Mouth ;p
 
 
So there's a SOLAR-POWERED backpack! >_< If i backpack again there's no way I'm not getting one. About 1/5 the cost of something like an external battery pack. But about 10 times better. Would have helped all those times.. yes all.. that i forgot to charge my phone and regretted iy immensely. 

I'll finish this later..
 
 
Actually the rest is probably best for a private entry. Thought i had more fluff but I guess its less fluffy than I thought...
 
Also... I hav so much to do. And and also... my back hurts.
 
 
 
 
 

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[1996] Apparently (360)
Sooo sleeping is overrated.
 
Apparently........
 
Apparently my body just doesnt get the concept... that its good. that i neeeeed it.
 
I actually slept in late yesterday.. after being up all night.. like tonight. It seems I must be utterly exhausted before my body will accept the notion of sleep. Idk why it always wants to reset itself to this crazy schedule that works for no one.
 
I was worried about asking and then when I finally decided to I learned that my uncle and aunt were on vacation so I havent been able to make plans. And its been.. so.. hard. and awkward and then normal.. which feels even worse sometimes because things are anything but normal. things are so incrediby far from normal right now. Weeks ago going to my moms wasnt an option. But things change. And i finally askd her and she said ok. I was supposed to go Monday but well tim was working on the car and something happened and he needs to order a part. which he did should be here soon. But I cant drive it until then and he needs the other car to go to work sooooooooo.. yeah. Also the washer wasnt working and someone is going to come look at it so i said i would be here when they do.
 
Soo basically I know nothing about everything. I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled in so many conflicting directions. And the biggest dilema isnt even the only one. Even without it I'm ridiculously overwhelmed. One thing is that I dont know if i should go back to school or not. Or how I would if I wanted to. I mean that really depends on a lot of stuff.. like the outcome of the big dilema. and job stuff....
 
This new site idea just seems stupid sometimes. Sometimes not but most of the time... it just seems like a waste of time. and wonder if i should do what i always do and give up on it before giving it a chance and just applying at some stupid computery job doing stupid crap to make money for someone else and work crap hours andbe miserable like everyone else.  everyone keeps saying that "everyone hates their job".... with this undertone of judgement ringing through.. like I am immature and stupid because I dnt want to settle into a life i hate just because "everyone else" does it. Which isnt even true at all. I used to want to be an actress (which honestly just sounds stupid now). I really seriously wanted to but had no experience.. but i was too afraid and insecure. Sometimes I want to take classes or get a coach and try again bu again it all depends on other things. But trying and failing at that seems more inticing than succeeding at most other things. Besides acting.. i like music. but i suck at guitar. i still suck at drums. and it all just seems like a waste of time when i think of pursuing it s anything other than a hobby. the computer science crap all used to make sense. but now.. idk. i realize if i get into that again I'll just be asking for one of those 9-5 jobs and office politics and bs water cooler chit chat with some person who doesnt give a real crap what i have to say.. just tryng to get an angle to stab me in the back or gossip about me. Its what always seems to happen.
 
I just want to make a difference somehow. I realize now as I get older.. and older.. and older.. that that's asking a lot. So many people.. some people are just going to live ordinary lives... it takes a lot to actually do something with meaning or impact peoples lives in a positive way. One reason i wanted to be an actress was yeah it would be fun getting to play diffrent roles and personalities and pretty much "dress up" who doesnt love that... but also because of the influence they have.. some use it for evil (and by evil i mostly mean stupidity) but some are actually good people and try to give back and make the world better. I had so many ideas last year. One ws for a nonprofit organization. But nothing comes from it because I didnt believe in it enough. I feel more capable to do certain things now but still. its overwhelming. If i had a nickel for evry idea i had that didnt amount to anything.. I'd be rich.
 
Did you know you need a bachelors degree to join the peace corps...
 
Which brings me back to schoool. Its so expensive. Being in Europe I met so many people with masters degrees. Not just because its important in their culture but its also super cheap and in some cases pretty much free. I've always felt I'm stupider than I should be... and if that doest make sense... that's exactly my point. Wasted potential. Because of money. Even with financial aid. And then no financial aid because i was married and we made JUST enough to not qualify but hardly enough to afford a full schedule per semester. So I took a class here and there. But I was dumb and did computer classes because I was working and it made more sense.. at the time.. to learn more in my field. It should be a requirement to finish general ed classes before any others because at least then you have those out of the way and are half way to your degree even if you change your mind andd switch fields. I did it alll wrong. I read that frrance and germany are really cheap even for foriegners. Under $400 for an entire year cheap. Usually its more than that per semester... at a community college.
 
I was complaining about this the other day to tim.. and ended by saying i was really consdering going to school in europe for this reason. a few days later he told me that stanford or some big name school announced that they're going to be offering free courses too and if they do maybe i could go there or maybe other schools will follow their lead. I said thats awesome. But, not to be negative, I could never get into a school like that. Also.. it'll probably be years. So. unfortunately, it cant really benefit me now.
 
I just want to travel again. More. 2 months sounds like a lot but it was so short. it was nothing. i would have liked to slow down. Seen more cities in 1 country. Venture away from the center more. I'm so glad I went to cinque terre. I really feel like that was the most beautiful, authentic place I went.
 
I dont think I even wrote much about the rest of my travels after Prague. Vienna, Austria.... overrated. Budapest... nice. fun. I liked it. Venice was pretty cool. a little dirty... people seriously need to pick up after their dogs or teach them to go in appropriate places... but yeah it was unique. Florence was fun but thats around the time my cold was turning into bronccitis. Met cool people. It was pretty. Statue of David was so amazing. My Rom experience was terrible. I saw the colusseum and that was awesome but thats pretty much all I saw. Barcelona was.. great. I arrived sick but I got better by the end. I had a really good time there.. Even though I also didnt see much but supermarkets and cafes. London was expensive.. I had a good time thought because I stayed at a category 7 hyatt hotel.. andaz on liverpool. Didnt pay for it.. i earned 2 free nights by signing up for the credit card and spending like $1000 in 3 months. Just used it for rent one time. And it was cool because they had free sacks and drinks an the bed was really comfortable. My biggest travel regret by far.. not going to frane. What is wrong with me? I'm not exactly sure. I guess I just wasnt in the right state of mind after being sick so long and feeling tired and just wanting to rest... like really rest. be alone. no obligations. but if i could change things i think i would have definitely stayed longer.. i think i would have gone to geneva and stayed iwth a friend and then tried to woolf in france. or something. or jut straight to ffrance. i ended up spending a lot more than i wanted in order to come home early.. if i just used it to go there first and fly out of denmark or sweden or norway.. would have probably been cheaper. I dont know why i didnt think of it.. i mean i flew into denmark for less than $300.
 
Anyways. ANd now I'm back. Its been almost a month now its weird. Time keeps snowballing.
 
I've been purging stuff in the garage. Getting rid of anything and everything we dont need or use. Its hard... how do people collect so much stuff? And really.. we dont have a lot of suff compared to most people. Espcially since i did this same thing last year and when we moved.. but still... so much stuff.
 
 
I guess I'll sleep. This was long and pointless. And really negative but o well. I'm sad.
 
----------------------------------------------------------------
 
i never learn.
 
 

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a long time has passed. (83)
I may have been in my early twenties when i began this.
Time has seen fit to leave me with very vague memories.
I do know that it had been a particular awkward time in my life.
College. Depression. Feelings of utter despair for no real reason. Suicidal thoughts. And ultimately the passing of my mother.
Those moments in time I recorded here. Hidden away from prying eyes. Hidden away from myself.
After she passed, my mother Marcella, I only found it fitting to become a waste. I drownded myself in lovely cocaine and ever seductive drink.
And finally when I had lost everything. Money. Happiness. Dignity. Friends. I left. I ranaway. I ran to SinCity.
While there my indulgences only grew and grew. My hunger for nothingness became almot insatiable. And I paid the price.
Met many a good friend. Lost many more good friends. Homelessness. Emptiness. Sadness. And eventually a mission.
Literally.
The LVRM. A rehab program centered around my only loving enemy at the time - Jesus. Go figure.
I stayed. I sobered up. I became SAVED. I met the father of my three beautiful children. And we ran away to hell. Texas.
Terrible ups and downs. Terrible lies. Fighting. Pain. And violence. And CPS. And than clarity.
Jobs. Money. He and I became partners in crime instead of enemies out of love. We had our girl. Then another. And then the boy.
Still happiness faded. Texas suffocated. Dry. Boring. I was not bred country tough. I was born urban smart. And the dullness became too much.
So we ran away back to SinCity. And I find myself happier. My heart lighter. My mind at ease. And I am ready to give theRiot, ShyThug, and the RuckPup all the adventure they can stand.
*RoockStar*

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1304 (400)
I feel like I have no purpose in life anymore. 
At that time in my life my purpose was to be with my dog. 
And now what?
 
"What's wrong, what's wrong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs.
 
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside
With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside
 
. ...And now you can't find

What you left behind
 
Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's falling behind
 
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's falling from grace
She's all over the place yeah
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside
With no place to go
No place to go to
Dry her eyes
Broken inside
 
She's lost inside lost inside
She's lost inside lost inside"
-Avril Lavigne - Nobodys Home
 
"And the people here are asking after you
It doesn't make it easier
It doesn't make it easier"
-Dashboard Confessionals - A Plain Morning

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1303 (341)
"Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon"
 
-Eve 6

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[959] every gambler knows (219)
so then 
so then so then
i don't know
here's the thing it's that i know i have crushes on people all the time, but i don't necessarily want them. i want the idea of them, i want this idea of a life i want the thought, the daydream, the imagination, but i don't want the reality of them and that's fine. i can deal with that, i can handle that i've always handled that (just not always well)
but does anybody want the idea of me
is the thing
does anybody ever look at me from across the room, does anybody ever look at me and think 
does anybody ever just
consider
i just want to know that somebody considers
and that's so juvenile and i don't even think i want to date anyone i don't think i want to have sex i don't think i want a traditional relationship but then what if there is a relationship out there for me 
i don't know. it's stupid. i don't want to date anyone but i want someone to want to date me and that is a stupid hangup.
i'm happy by myself, i'm happy in my own space doing my own thing. 
i don't know where i was going with this. i guess i'm just lonely sometimes. but not really (but a little). 
but i know i'd rather be lonely by myself than lonely with someone else. so i've got that going for me at least.

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1302 (348)
Its so quiet.
There's no heavy breathing in my room.  No groans or grunts.  No rustle of the dog bed as he circles before plopping down with a grunt.  No more almost raspberry sound and slight whine when he wants my attention. No more rustle of the christmas lights as he pokes his nose out the door.
In the morning: 
No more nose stuck in my face and the slight whine to get my attention/wake me up at 6am.  No more going down the stairs half asleep one step at a time in time with my dogs steps down.  No more reason to open the door to let him outside to go potty.  No more standing on the landing  with my "gimme gimme" hands to get him to come back upstairs with me.  No more scarf on the floor to wedge between the door so the dog doesn't feel trapped with the door closed.  No more pants on the floor to catch the door from flying wide open when he finally makes it up the stairs and barges into the door with his nose.  No more black marks on the door frame and door from his nose and body rubbing against it.  No more laying in bed and looking over at him laying on his bed or standing expectantly waiting for me to get up.  No more dog hair on my sheets.  No more dog leaning against the mattress as he lowers himself to the ground.  No more dog hair on the side of the box spring and mattress where he lays. No more pulling out a random hand out to the edge of the bed so the dog can nudge me some more and so I can pet his head.  No more explaining I want to rest for another 45 minutes as he wakes up cuz my roommate is getting ready for work and/or my alarm wakes him.  No more frantic turn around towards the door when I finally get out of bed.  No more opening the door wide to make him feel comfortable first thing in the morning.  No more nose sniffing the pants I decide to wear that morning and putting them on carefully as not to knee the dog in the nose as he sniffs. No more nose cautiously stepping onto the bathroom floor in order to sniff me as I'm brushing my hair.  No more expectant look when I got to the closet to get a washcloth wondering if I'm going downstairs.  No more bed to haul downstairs for the dog to lay on when I leave.  No more turning on the lights so the dog can see the stairs. No more taking the stairs one at a time along side the dog a second time in the morning.  No more urgency to open the door first to let the dog out, again.  No more reason to put on a jacket and shoes while I wait for the dog to come back in. No more interest in the weather outside, stepping out onto the porch and taking in the morning air. No more daily pills and breakfast for the dog.  No more eating my food and taking my pills and then getting his pills and food ready.  No more pushing down food into his tray from the feeder.  No more clanking on the water bowl from his dog tags when he drinks.  No more reason to refill water bowl.  No more cans of wet dog food to appease him in his old age when food and walks are his only joy in life.  No more dog sitting on the carpet piece in the kitchen while he waits and watches me fix my food and sit down and eat.  No more curious and brave dog to trek across the kitchen floor sniffing for any dropped food when I sit down to eat. No more click clack of his claws on the floor as he carefully walks from carpet piece to the front room. No more slow and awkward walk as the dog stands direcly in front of me in the front room and I'm trying to get around him as he looks expectantly at me.  No more putting down all my stuff for work in order to open the door and call "Last call for potty".  No more being late cuz the dog takes a while to go potty.  No more reason to say "I'm going buh bye, you stay stay."  No more knowing look that says he knows.  No more reason to say "I woof you" in my silly manner as I shut the door and lock it. No more poop to pick up from the lawn before I drive away.  
In the evening:
No more reason to go home. No more reason to rush any errands in order to get home before 6:30 or 7 in order to let the dog go potty. No more dog to jolt awake when I unlock the door. No more of my favorite stance the dog does when I come home and I use my giddy voice asking him out he is.  No more giddy silly nicknames to call out.  "My max a doodle, my noodle, my oodle oddles, my macarune, my puppies, cutest puppies in the whole wide world" No more of his head ducking out of my reach when I try to pet him.  No more unamused look when he's done with the giddy greeting and wants to go outside.  No more two second greeting before he's done and staring at the door expectantly like I"m not there and I proclaim, "Oh fine, go potty"  and he happily patters outside. No more reason to leave the door open while I gather a dog bag and mail box keys, leaving the groceries or whatnot and going outside with the door.  No more walk down to the grass area and the mail box with a slow and curious sniffing dog the whole way.  No more dog looking up at me from the grass area watching me walk out of sight to the mailbox and looking for me to come back.  No more dog to follow directly behind me when I take the garbage to the street.  No more dog lagging behind and stopping in the middle of the parking lot or sidewalk watching me take the garbage out and not wanting to follow me at times.  No more standing waiting and watching as the dog walks around the yard and picks at the grass trying to eat the good parts.  No more dog in the bushes picking the leaves off and eating them.  No more reason to ask, "are you done yet?"  and using my body language to indicate I was going back to the house.  No more dog to literally follow me back to the house.  No more dog going up the wrong sidewalk to the wrong house and me always correcting him, "One more sidewalk, one more baby"  No more opening the door for an expectant dog.  No more dog to watch me excitedly as I either put on a jacket or take one off wondering if we are going for a walk that night. No more dog that wants/expects me to go to the kitchen for dinner first and foremost.  No more impatient dog with his slight whine and blowing raspberry sound when I dont go to the kitchen for dinner first.  No more nose nudging when I lay on the couch or lay in bed for a quick nap instead of make dinner.  No more reason to get dinner cuz I dont need to feed the dog wet food anymore.  No more watching the clock and mentally setting up times to eat in order to get the dog his pain pills with dinner so I dont have to feed him twice.  No more looking at the clock and wondering how long I've left the dog at home.  No more counting hours.  No more accomodating dogs potty schedule.  No more watching TV with a wandering dog around the front room.  No more nose poking while on the couch.  No more petting his head when he puts it up in my lap.  No more dog sleeping when I watch TV.  No more jumpy dog to get up everytime me or my roommate laughs or coughs or sneezes.  No more reason to open the door at night to let the dog go potty before bed.  No more hauling a bed upstairs for the dog to sleep on.  No more going upstairs and waiting for a dog to follow soon after.  No more heavy breathing as he gets up the stairs and goes straight for his drinking water before getting his wet mug all over my sheets and blankets.  No more circling his bed and plopping down.  No more stepping over his bed to get to the desk to sit and read.  No more dog head on my leg to pet as I read distractedly.   No more nervous jumpy dog to get up when I am done reading and kneel at my bed.  No more plugging in Christmas lights in order to see the dog in the middle of the night if he has nightmares or at 6am before the sun comes up and he wants to go outside.  No more accidental poops on his bed.  No more faint shadow of his white haired framed face in the dark by the bed, in the doorway, laying on his bed.  No more heavy breathing through nose/snoring, no more nightmares, no more twitches and kicks of his legs on a noisy bed.  No more ear aches. No more licking noises as he licks his front legs cuz they hurt.  No more staring at each other in our beds.  No more of my smiles to will him to get up and come over for a pet on the head.  No more dog to hug or attempt to snuggle when I'm sad.  No more dog to walk away nervously when I cry.  
In general:  No more dog jumping at the sound of a wrapper indicating food.  No more dog getting up and poking at nose at me when I cough.  No more nervous dog eyes.  No more of the dog being scared of things in general like kids, cats, balloons, water, toy guns, yelling, play fighting, the hardwood floor, etc.  No more dog pulling away a paw from my grasp or head pulling away from my reach.  No more nips at long sleeves when he greets me.  No more jumps at the doorbell, loud noise or whistle on TV, or thought he heard something.  No more yelp at Gmas when he's outside and wants in.  No more heavy breathing when he gets excited or b/c of pain in his last days. No more digging for moles in the yard. No more cuteness greeting when I come home.  No more trips to Gmas or parents. No more holidays to which the dog gorges on food. No more scary holidays with fireworks. No more dog to sniff guests or family members.  No random sniffings when I come home from an activity and he wants to know where I've been.  No more baths, vet visits, brushings, or otherwise scary activities.  No more treats to give.  No one to give my left over food to, no more vaccum for the kitchen floor when I drop things.  No more reason to go outside period.  No more reason to come home. 
When you make a list like this you notice the things you took for granted. 
Afterwards: 
It is hard to go home now. Its hard to see all the places he's been, his home, his bed, his food and water, his hair, his yard, his leash, his pills, his carpets he needs on the hard floors, his dog bags, his treats.  Its hard knowing I'll never see him in that place again.  After he left I couldn't stand to be in the house.  I had to leave. 
Its easier to go and be places that he couldn't come with me, that he normally isn't there.  So getting in the car and driving away is normal without the dog and it felt better.  Going to the store or a church activity is normal without the dog. Going to work or the movies is normal without the dog and feels much better. Home is another story. 
So I went to the foot doctor to see about my ingrown toenail finally after like two years. I had some bouts of crying but they stopped by the time I got into the doc. I stood at the counter and gave my information and practiced breathing technics. They prolly thought I was weird breathing like that.  I didn't care what the doc did or said to me.  I was a zombie, just there.  I didnt care if he didn't listen or didn't explain or if I didn't like him.  I didn't even care how long they left me in that room waiting for the doc each time he left. I read through a magazine to distract myself and texted my mom telling her the dog is gone.  Gone is such an ambiguous word.  The doc shot me a few times with a needle to numb my toe which hurt bad, left me forever to let it numb, came back and cut something and bandaged it all up and sent me home with instructions to soak it later in epson salt.  That does not sound pleasant. 
Hobbling out of the doctors office cuz of a giant numb toe in a weird way validated my emotions through something physical, like my body and my emotions were talking to each and together they made me limp to the car.  It made me feel more secure or something.  It was odd.  I got out of the doctors office at 5:30 so it was rush house traffice.  Everyone was going south so the only open lane was the freeway going north. So I went and then traffic clogged up at 7th north so I took that exit and ended up at Gmas.  She's not usually the one I need in such situations, but she was prolly the best option I had, if I had to have someone to talk to. I've ended up at her house on random weekends without the dog to complain about the dog and the decision to end it.  She got all the disaster leading up to this decision, she might as well see the end of the disaster as I finally make the decision.  She, of course, will help me take care of myself physically as I do not feel the need to do such at that time.  She fed me and helped me soak my toe as I was afraid of salt and maybe an open wound.  She attempted to get me to stay overnight as I told her how hard it was at the house.  She distracted me with family business as usual and her quilting for the new babies. 
But now its just random moments of sudden reality slamming into me. My dog is gone. 
It was so quiet in my room.  I didn't know what to do.  I sat on my bed and stared in silence. I was scared to fall asleep.  I laid staring at the walls in silence until the pills took me. I didn't want to wake up thinking my dog was there and wanted to go to the bathroom.  I didnt want to forget and look around my room and remember.  I had to rearrange my bed so I wasn't looking in the general direction of the dogs bed when I woke up.  I didn't turn on the Christmas lights either.  That was for me to be able to see and watch my dog as he sleeps sometimes. 
I thought ending all this would make everything alright if I knew I did it for the right reasons.  But even the right reasons doesn't make this feel better. The aftermath of him physically not being here seems much worse than the right reasons, hence the selfishness to keep him. 
The Day:
I took off work to be with him until his 2pm death sentence.  We did the things he wanted to do and in between I cleaned in order to not think and/or freak out.  I did the dishes and cleaned my room.  I didnt start getting rid of all of his stuff so as to alarm him, but I kinda wanted to stuff it all in a closet right then.  When I wasn't cleaning we did what he loves most.  Eating.  He pritti much ate a whole can of wet food, my last can, breakfast and lunch.  He loved it.  Loved licking the bowl clean.  And then we went on walks.  His other favorite.  The only two joys in life as he doesn't know how to "play" and is scared of everything else.  We went for two short walks.  Tried to keep busy so I wouldn't think.  I gathered his things in the car and he was excited as usual looking expectantly as the door he wanted to go in.  He didn't make the landing when he jumped in, of course, so I hefted him the rest of the way.  I think he scratched up my new black car getting in.  But he got in and was happy.  Still heavy breathing.  My stomach felt so sick.  I drove away.  Longest drive to the vet ever, actually it was all too quick.  He jumped out of the car just fine, ready to go.  He checked out the grass so it took a minute to point him toward the door. He knows that door, that smell, that place.  He doesn't like it.  He wouldn't go in.  So I went in first cuz I knew he'd follow me.  That made my stomach even sicker.  I donated the rest of his medication and paid $204 and consented to his death and I waited for awhile in the waiting room with Max staring at the door.  All the other times he's been in he was able to come back out and leave with me.  I wonder what he thought. I wonder if he knew.  I know he was scared.
She said we could come back and helped me spread the blanket on the floor so he would walk down the hallways.  He wouldn't go and searched frantically for a safe spot in between carpets and blankets.  So I went first cuz I knew he'd follow me.  And he did.  He made it down like two hallways without blankets cuz he was simply following me.  We went into a dingy, small, concrete floor room with a single Precious Moments blanket on the floor and two chairs.  I think I know why they had the rocking chair in there now that I think about it.  They had cute little bookmark and poem memorabilia for the owner to take. The door frame had bite marks and dog scratches all over it as I could imagine a lot of dogs attempted to escape that room. I put all my stuff down on the rocking chair and ready to hold my dog as they poked him.  But the two ladies came in, thank goodness it was the lady doctor today, the other held Max with her back to me so I couldn't see from where I was, which was okay.  There was no touch to calm Max as he was scared and she picked the leg I think hurts him the most to poke.  Then they left for a minute er so while I sat on the blanket and waited for him to sit down also as he couldn't walk to well with being poked and bandaged.  They came back and poked him in the butt with a sedative.  He tried to walk around with that also, but I moved again on the blanket and told him to sit by me and he eventually laid down by me.  He knew the sedative was taking him and he tried to get up a few times but I pulled him back down and got the closet I've ever been to cuddling him without him pulling away from me.  In time his eyes did the weird creepy half way open thing he does when he sleeps sometimes.  I kissed his head and told him I loved him.  Throughout the whole thing I was telling him the pain would go away, esp after they poked his weakest arm.  He was scared and prolly in pain so he breathed heavily until the sedation.  He was so quiet.  The doc came in and asked if I had ever done this before. I said no and she explained what might happen after he stops breathing.  She put the overdose of anesthia in his IV and it took like 30 seconds for his heart and lungs to stop.  She stayed and confirmed he was done breathing, called it a peaceful ending or something, took his collar off for me, and said I could stay as long as I wanted to.  I got all teary as she said this and she left.  I almost wanted to burst into tears as she put the anesthia in simply because the liquid was pink.  The irony.  My love of the color pink is what killed my dog.  Maybe I dont like pink anymore. 
And I finally got to cuddle my dog.  I got to bury my head in his neck and just bawl.  I got to hold his paws with him pulling away. I got to cry  without him being nervous and licking his chops or attempting to walk away.  He was so still.  I didn't realize how jumpy he was at everything I did until he stopped.  He didn't turn his face to me to make me pull away.  He didn't pull away or move or anything.  I know he jumps at the sound of his collar tags clanking cuz he loves that collar.  Its like his badge of honor.  It means he can go for walks.  Even in that room after he was so still I tried to keep the collar tags silenced so he wouldn't jump or get excited.  I realized he wasn't going to so I jingled them just in spite.  I took pictures of his paw in my hand out of spite cuz he never let me hold his paw.  I gloated about the fact I could look at his ear cuz I'm pritti sure he had another ear ache going cuz he shook his more often.  So I got a cue tip and poked in his ear and expected him to pull his head away. I gloated that I finally got to cuddle him and took full advantage to finally getting some snuggle time. I looked at the clock and gave myself a time limit.  I dont remember how long I was there.  But I moved his body into a more Max position and the realization stuck me even harder.  His limp body.  
I prayed to God on top of his chest that didn't move up and down anymore. I thanked God for the dog he let me borrow, for the time we had together, for the love we shared. I asked God to forgive me for keeping him alive when He told me to let him go.  I asked Max to forgive me for the extra pain he might have suffered because I was too selfish and in denial about letting him go.  I asked God to take care of my Max and give him something to do and maybe teach him how to play fetch.  I asked God cuz I wanted to make sure he wasn't in pain anymore and that he would be okay not following me around anymore. I know how important that was to Max.  I asked for any help, strength or courage to be able to move on without Max that day and in the future. 
I got up and gathered my things and I stared at him on the floor, not coming with me.  So still, so silent. No eyes to look back at me. (We spent a lot of time staring at each other the last few nights) Not like my dog. I stepped out the door and couldn't close the door so I left it a crack open, stared one more time before walking away.  I was fine until I got the door Max stared at scared a while ago, wanting out, wanting to go home.  I walked out the door without Max.  I got into my car without Max. I put the stuff in the car like I had Max coming with me. I looked in the backseat and there was no Max.  I just left him there. I just left him there. I did not even allow myself to even attempt to think about what they were going to do to him when I left. I just left that picture of him on that blanket in my mind. I think I hate Precious Moments now.  I cried hard and drove through tears cursing the school to let children out before 3pm on the dot and tried not to run any of them down.  I drove home even though I knew it would hurt.  I allowed myself to be angry for a moment as I got in the house and immediately started washing his empty food feeder and water bowl.  I yanked his beds out of my bedroom and through one outside and stuffed the other in a closet.  I shoved his collar and leash in another closet.  I through anything with his hair on it into the washer.  I cried loudly and tried to leave no sign of him behind.  I had to leave at 3:30 for the doctors appointment.  It was easy leaving the house.  It was easier walking away from the memories of him being in that house and the fact he should prolly be in there right now as I left. 
Gibberish: 
I just left him there. 
My room is so quiet. My first night sleeping without him in forever. 
He was so quiet, so still, no grunts or groans or heavy breathing.  
I guess he never was a crier.  He'd moan when he hurt or stress breathe.
He's gone.  He really is gone. 
Going to the doctors afterward and then to Gmas and home to shower and go to bed was too normal a thing to do after such an event.  I feel like I needed/wanted to do something dramatic or irrational. 
He never got to see/step on Gmas new carpet.  He likes carpet. 
He's not coming home with me for Easter in two weeks.  He wont be around for my bday.  He wont go up with me to babysit the kids anymore. 
I think I can pinpoint the worst day of my entire life.  March 24, 2015.
The worst day I had back in July 2006 was also a huge turning point in my life, so therefore it may have ultimately been a good thing.  So unless losing my dog gets me a husband, this date is definitely the worst day ever.
I've never had anyone close to me pass away. The second Grandma L passed, I loved her, but she was kinda scary.  So I went to Gma for comfort when my dog died, who am I going to go for comfort when she goes? I dont have a dog to cry on anymore.
My roommate told me about her eye doc appointment and laughed loudly about her dilated eyes when I got home from the worst day of my life.  Really?  She asked how I was first.  Really?  I'm still alive. He's not.
It feels wrong to think about all the things I can do now that he's gone.  The places I can go, the lack of time frame I have, things I can do overnight or late into the night.  Weekends I can disappear or never leave home and not feel bad the dog is stuck at home either way.  Not having to be there to get him dinner or for his pills. I can get excited about something and totally forget the time. It kinda makes me sick to think about such.  I dont want to leave the house for hours and hours just because I can now without feeling guilty about the dog, but it hurts to be inside the house at the same time. 
I dreamed about this day and I have dreaded this day. I dreamed about what it would be like to sleep in without a potty break or three before 7am.  I dreamed that I could sleep in past 8 cuz I didnt have to give a dog a pill.  But then I dreaded the day also. I knew once the dream came true I wouldn't want it to be that way.  That fear is real. 
The fear of him physically not being there hurting the most is real.  I wasn't crazy in my selfishness. I knew.
It was easier to break up with a boyfriend cuz he didn't live there.  Cuz I didnt love him like I loved Max. I could go home and veg out in front of all five seasons of Leverage or Firefly and forget the ex, distract myself.  But now when I lock myself in my room to veg out it just brings back memories.  There was a reason I kicked Evan to the curb when I bought a new house.  A new start. A new house not tainted with those memories.  The dog came like 8 months afterward tho...
I said he'd make it one more winter at least last fall.  And he did. Techinically spring started the 20th of March.  But we had such a mild winter, it was practically spring in February.  Prolly another reason he lasted so long. 
All I ate 3/24 was the last package of poptarts simply so Max could eat the ends I dont like and/or have burnt.  Then I finished off the rest of my left over beans I had around noon.  By like 7pm at night I wanted popcorn and pineapple.  But Gma kept me at her house and fed me a cup of ramen, some toast, a deviled egg, a cookie and attempted some ice cream and of course her veggie tray (that I didnt touch).
I guess I just needed a day to prepare and spend time with him.  I have a lot of vacation days I prolly wont get through this year and I didnt get use one when I should've when I got a sinus infection so I didn't feel bad taking a day off for this.
He's been with me in that house for a year and a half.  Thas a long time.  The last seven months being on a pill schedule to help his arthritis.  That schedule is now gone.  Now what do I do.  5pm will roll around today at work and then I'll say, "Now what?"
I got a cheap temporary camera thingy and took pictures almost all 24 of him the last two days.  Hopefully some of them turn out.  The lighting wasn't great in the house and it was gloomy and rainy the other days, not much sun outside.  Gma showed me the pic that I made Max take with me professionaly a few years ago. It almost made me burst into tears again. Now I need a shoebox aka memory box to put all of Max's stuff in. A bunch of pictures, collar, tags, etc.   Something to help me close this chapter.  I closed the Evan chapter by finishing my scrapbook with the end of the year and leaving the beginning of a new year open. 
I can walk straight through the front room without stepping around his bed in the middle. 
I feel better at work cuz its normal he's not around.  But it still feels wrong to have a good day at work.  It usually feels better around noon.  But I feel I shouldn't be so happy.  I know I wont when I have to go home. 
I feel like I"ve forgotten what it feels like to hold his leash in my hand as we walk already. 
I'm not looking forward to my first trip up north without him tho for Easter.  That'll be hard. I couldn't stay overnight at Gmas without him. 
But 15 or 16 years is a good enough age for a dog to be done with life. With or without the pain.
But I had to focus on the pain in order to convince myself it was the right thing and to actually do it.  And actually focusing on the pain let me see it more.  I didn’t know Saturday when I freaked out and couldn't make the appointment.  Well, I thought I didn't know.  I think I did know but didnt want to know.  Anyways, but on Sunday I knew.  I could see the pain.  And I knew. 
 
 

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