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What's New At Sitdiary?
Spring Cleaning Apr 17, 2014

After moving hosts a while back, apparently a few things got neglected, so I took it upon myself to get stuff working again. As it turns out, it was nothing crazy, but so far I've fixed:

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As always, my goal is to bring the back-end code for Sitdiary up to snuff, but for now -- at least stuff works.

 

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Recent Posts

 
Musings. (7)
Sometimes I feel like I should be about 20 years older. My mom would be my sister/my grandma would be my mom, and I'd have gone to a shitload of concerts in the 1980s and dropped acid and been a much more functional human being.
 
Or, hell, my mom could've kept me. I'd probably be better off. Especially with all the case managers, social workers, etc who would have been checking up on us. Instead of all this abuse from everyone else. I would have been far enough away to not be the target of my molesters. Two of them, anyway...
 
I identify so much with Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds. That's who my last entry was about. I was born to a mother with schizophrenia. A very intelligent woman, who probably could have been a professor of 15th century literature if she hadn't had such a raw deal in the childhood department. Because of the abuse she suffered, and the abuse I suffered after her, she didn't reach her potential and neither did I reach mine. I was a genius as a kid. In informal tests my IQ registered in the 190s. I skipped enough grades in math that I had to take classes at the local high school when I was in middle school. I could have studied physics, engineering, all of it. I had the aptitude. I kept up the momentum through all the years of abuse. All the way until I was about fifteen. Slowly, over the course of middle school and high school, everything slipped away.
 
I always struggled with grades. Mostly because so much was based on homework, and because home was not a safe place to do school work (or anything at all, really, except be quiet and watch the tv and do anything requested of me, and just let the fear settle on my shoulders and become a familiar weight). 
 
My teachers saw that I had the aptitude but I guess they assumed that I didn't have the right attitude or something. My first teacher in the highly-capable program wrote me up on numerous complete bullshit "offenses." I really have absolutely no idea how in the fuck she was so wrong about everything all the time (or how someone with such a propensity can become a teacher -- although the last time I visited my old elementary school, she was working in the library...).
 
So many things could have been the one tiny thing that went differently and changed my whole life.
 
I watched child prodigies on shows like Oprah and specials on PBS. I knew I could be them. If only I had been given an instrument to play, a book to read, an equation to solve... and a safe place to do it in.
 
If only I had been seen and known for who and what I was. Instead of as the product of abuse and neglect that is so misunderstood by the world. Instead of a discipline case. Instead of someone failing to live up to their potential. Instead of a nuisance. Instead of a space-case. Instead of lazy.
 
If I could have been seen and known as a child being mistreated. As a person being given no nourishment outside of the physical. As someone whose constant abuse was beginning to degrade and destroy my mind, my ability to learn. As someone who wanted nothing more than to learn everything possible, and spread that knowledge along with love and kindness to all corners of the earth...
 
I lost my ability to learn when I was 14 and didn't get it back until I was 24.
 
I learned when I was 5 years old that I could be blamed for being a victim of sexual assault.
 
I didn't slip through the cracks, I was pushed.
 
 

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[1841] The Silence (7)
 
True Story..





 
 
I am going. I was hesitant. But. Its decided. Rain, snow, lions, tigers, dragons, ninjas... I don't care.
 
Because this is what Jeni's do on the internet when they are bored...
Drum solo.. not the best out there of this song but I am biased because the caution tape on the door reminds me of my room when I was 15 which incidently was also the year I first got my set. meeemories. Someone commented that his timing on the snare is off but i think its just the audio....  he gets points for not drowning out the vocals like most drum solos.
 





 
 
i feel like hitting things.... I don't know what Jaspar did with my drum sticks but I caant find them and I dont feel like going down to the garage to get more...
 
Better than nothing I guess. I'll keep telling myself that.
 
Good news today is that I fit in my pink E3 shirt again. its an extra small woot. I missed this shirt.
 
Going to breakfast with the family tomorrow. For my aunt Mercy and my moms birthdays. My aunt Mercy is getting really old and weak lately.. she fell a few weeks ago and now she can't live alone. I'm getting worried about her. And my grandpa. And I'm getting worried for my grandma.
 
I got a backpack today.
 
I should be sleeping.
:|
 
 
 
 

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1283 (17)
This is stuck in my head and I have to get it out so it will go away.
I believe I mentioned once back in my journal that I learned this "I dont care" attitude about things, or a "whatever" attitude, from my mother. I  addressed her lack of emotion/feelings to this attribute.  But now it bugs me that I represented my mother that way.
In my quick little journal blab about mother I believe I mentioned an example like: it doesn't matter if you dont have enough gas in your car to get to that activity you are going to have to get gas sometime in the future, might as well be now.  And it doesn't matter if you use more gas to go pick up someone and take them.  It doesnt matter about the gas cuz, again, you still have to fill up sometime and it doesn't matter if you have a plus one in your car as you do it, just go to the activity yer supposed to be at.
Other little things she just shrugs at:  It doesn't matter if that person can't show up or do something, you can always find someone else to help.  It doesn't matter if you know you'll never see your bread pan again, you can get another one, they prolly need it more than you.  It doesn't matter if you take the time to help this person out right now, cuz what else would you do.  It doesn't matter if so and so is mad at you theres not much you can do about it.  It doesn't matter if you spend this much money on your child, you wont even remember the purchase a few years later, as long as it helps them now, etc.
I've been thinking about it lately and I feel I have to make this correction in writing.
Now that I look back on it, I dont see it as an "I dont care" attitude.  It seemed like that quality or characteristic bugged me, but helped me in my church issues and such.
But now I see it as a "do it anyway" attitude that I learned from my mother.  That sounds more positive anyways.
It doesn't matter if that person shows up to help, you have to do the job anyway.  It doesn't matter if your bread pan is missing you'll find a way to make your bread anyway in the future.  It doesnt matter if you take time to help someone out, you -should- do it anyway.  It doesnt matter if so-and-so is mad at you, you still have to go on with life anyway no need to get all worked up about it.  It doesnt matter if you should spend that money in order to visit your child, you should do it anyway.   Its the right thing to do.  It illicits faith when you do something anyway trusting that it will turn out okay.  And I've found, usually when you do take that leap it does tend to work out.
When I felt poor and grumpy and wanted to be alone and thus didnt want to go to that certain activity, I gased up my car anyway,  I picked up that person who asked for a ride anyway, and I went to the activity anyway.  I found the gas/money issue wasn't that important, it had to happen sometime, I found the person I picked up to be my new friend that made me laugh so hard the whole drive, and the activity it turned out wasn't that bad, if anything it was just fun to people watch and the food was always good.  In the end none of those actions hurt me in any way.  It was the right thing to do.  Have faith and do it anyway.
Anyways, I think it shows priorities and unselfishness I feel I learned from my mother.  As long as you are doing what is right, it doesn't matter the consequences, do it anyway.
Its not that she didn't care about Dals financial situation and or school situation when she pressured him to start a family.  It was an act of faith she wanted him to exercise.  Its not that she didn't care about me and wanted me out of the house when she pressured me to go to college.  It was an act of faith.  It was the right thing to do it. It was setting priorities.  It pertained to things eternal rather than temporal.
If I were to pick a song that most described what I learned from my mother I'd pick this song.
"Anyway"
 

You can spend your whole life building Something from nothin' One storm can come and blow it all away Build it anyway
You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach And you know it might not ever come your way Dream it anyway
God is great, but sometimes life ain't good When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should But I do it anyway I do it anyway
This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe That tomorrow will be better than today Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart For all the right reasons In a moment they can choose to walk away Love 'em anyway
God is great, but sometimes life ain't good When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should But I do it anyway Yeah, I do it anyway
You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang Sing it anyway Yeah, sing it anyway
I sing, I dream I love Anyway
Read more: Martina McBride - Anyway Lyrics | MetroLyrics

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1282 (11)
Well, I had an interesting night last night.
Nothing happened at work.  And when I say nothing, usually I mean literally, nothing.
I start to count the documents I do during the day and lately only come up with like 3, maybe.
Then I stopped by the temple and no one was there, something about the HighSchool Homecoming.
Was again asked, for the like 5th time if I have any relation to Vernon aka The Deacon.   I keep telling the same guy yes, something about Vern being my Grandpa Ray's cousin.
Then I went home and talked to Mum and Evan on the phone.  Listened to Evans dating failures and Moms ambitions for her mothers upstairs carpet replacement.
I ate some lasgna I've been eating the past four days, took a shower and was brave enough to knock on doors again to attempt to get some things done regarding the HOA and our new gate mainly cuz I knew AJ was home. He finally gave me some answers so I could continue my progress on this matter.  Relief.  But of course, talking to such people takes longer than you always expect it.
I ran over to Neals to pick up Mins nail guns and he ended up talking to me for awhile, like usual.
I didn't get to Gma's until like 8:30ish where Mum was already moving things upstairs and ripping out carpet. That carpet has been there since 1947 I believe.  The pad underneath like disinegraded.  And actual wood planks underneath!  None of this sheetrock business.  Like a solid built house of brick and wood.  But the nails in the wood are what makes the house so loud and creaky when stepped upon.
I pulled out staples and sat on the floor and pounded out the carpet tack.  Oh the pain.  A simple task really, but I was clearly to old and fat for such activity.  Dad did the stairs while Mum and I pounded in the room.  They are using Mums industrial carpet she seemingly inherited and hired a guy to install it today, but they didn't want to pay for him ripping it out too so they enlisted my help in that.  No one was going to help me take out my carpet to save money when I moved in my place.  Not even the sister that wanted me to move so quickly.  Anyways.  It'll be nice.
We didn't get done, or mostly done until about 11pm.  I quit and went home. I still had HOA stuff to do.  I gathered all the letters and handed them out to the units so they'd get them in the morning when they left for work.  Finally got to bed at like midnight.
About three hours later there was huge loud thunder booms outside and soon after a 52 pound dog attempting to jump on top of me in bed.  He only got half of himself on top of me and constantly sticking his nose in my face and constantly moving/twitching.  I only felt him shaking a few times tho.  I'm never going to get any sleep like this.  He kept seeing the lightning outside and would freak out, but thunder wouldn't come after like an hour so I knew it calmed down, but convincing Max was another issue.  I finally got to go back to sleep even with a dog halfway on my bed staring at me and constantly making little movements.
I'm not sure why I was in such a good mood during that whole ordeal.  Usually you wake me up I'm grumpy. Yesterday morning I was in a foul mood. That demanding unit owner pissed me off.  By the time I was done with the temple I was chatting nicely to Evan, doing physical work and driving home at 11pm pritti awake.  I stayed awake and happy as I passed out HOA letter stuff.  And I didnt even get too mad when the dog kept trying to stuff his head under my arms, pillow and blankets for like an hour or more.  But I'm still here with lack of sleep and not too ornery.
Oh, but I think I'll miss having a scared dog during the thundering nights.  It's been a long time since a storm has scared him like this.  I think the last time was in Mins house and he was literally on top of me that time.  He was young enough he could jump on the bed I guess.
Anyways, just a weird night.
 

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Detaching from Reality (34)
Is the catalyst really so small? Only a trickle, a hint of the old abuse and already I am spiraling so?
 
I am falling away from the real world, hiding and sheltering myself. I cannot find enough time to myself and I cannot get the help I need in keeping a schedule.
 
The cost will be great.
 
I wonder what other disorder lurks beneath my aching skull...
 
I became unhealthily entangled in my emotions for a fictional character, to the point of legitimate concerns about obsession. At the very end of the last episode I watched this character did something that I found inconsistent with my view of how he would behave. And in a way that is clearly setting up a story arc involving the continuation of this behavior. I became irrationally angry and worried. Because my escape, my fantasy, was compromised.
 
I just hope that my dreams will give me better fantasies tonight.
 
I am not quite certain what happened to my inflated self-worth... but I both miss it dearly and fear it terribly right about now.

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[1829] Desires (52)
My favorite verse in the bible used to be that one verse that most people know simply as "trust in the Lord with all your heart and he will give you the desires of your heart." at least that's what I thought it was.
 
But there are so many translations. I mean one says 'Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.' Trusting and delighting are completely different. One says 'commit'. And the second part gets changed too.. sometimes it says 'he will give you the desires of your heart'.. great! But sometimes it says 'he will answer your prayers'. Another says 'he will act'. Well that's great but again completely different. so the phrase take delight in the lord and he will give you the desires of your heart is nowhere even close to trust in him and he will answer your prayers. Why do they have to have so many translations? How are you supposed to know what he wants if he has alll the silly people saying whatever they want it to say or think he means? Who reeeally knows if anything is accurate? The bible is so old I'm sure its like that telephone game in school where the sentence you told to the first person sounds nothing like what the 20th person ends up hearing. Christians get so much crap because they can't even decide on what they are reading. And when they don't like it they go and make a new version... I dont know. I'm trying here.
 
Anyways lets just pretend its simply the first one. I guess I stopped believing it. It was hard not to. I want to try again. But if it is true (at least that version).. He's got his work cut out for him that's for sure.
 
People always say that he doesn't just give you what you want.. he changes you're heart. Well that just seems like a nasty trick... I mean free will and all that doesn't seem to hold any weight if you think of it like that. Seems like only people who don't trust God get to exercise their free will without any consequences.. well not immediate anyways. I guess that's the point.
 
At this point I don't really care. Do it. Change things. Fine. As long as this time its for good instead of a sleeping dragon.
 
 
I like dragons :[
Arggggggggg.
 
Still. Totally get all like 'Eternal Sunshine' on my headspace, God. I'm down. Iight...  Jeni out.
 
*Not sure why I chose to talk like a gangster at the end... But I'm pretty sure God has his share of gangster tendencies.
 
 

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[955] i walk to the sound of my own drum (46)
lmao
i mean honestly
 
hey i finally did some stuff with the things and oh wow shocking katherine it's like life gets better when you actually fucking try. 
now do more stuff. get shoes. find your fucking contacts damn.
 

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Gamergate, and what it means for gaming. (26)
The gamer is a dying breed, but it isn't our fault.  I love playing games and being a gamer.  If you do one you are the other.  Your mom, who plays nothing, but free to play, facebook, farm or restaurant simulators, is a gamer.  Your little brother who has two games on his phone, the 10 minute game demo of tetris he never touched and candy crush is also a gamer.  Here's something else.  Your mom, your little brother, and you are all misogynistic, bigoted, racists now because gaming media and a few popular people on youtube say that you are.  And SJWs are all standing behind their claims with as much vitrial and spite towards you as they could harbor. Now I know what you are saying...  "But I'm not any of those things.  I'm Actually way into social justice... and may even be part of what they say are the victims of this."  Nope... you too.  You are part of this crusade against gaming and they could care less who you are.  Unless of course you join their band wagon and claim that ou too are a victim and help their cause to destroy "Gamers"  Once and for all.  You see, Gamers aren't dying.  They want to commit Genocide on Gamers and make it a bunch of SJWs just like them.  We aren't good enough for The group of rouge SJWs and Feminists who have hijacked the media and are now using it as their pedestal and spring board to enhancing their lives.  They can't fix what they think are problems when we aren't willing to give up everything and sign the business to them without any say.  So instead they are fully intent in getting rid of us, the roadbumps to their Social Justice agendas, and replace us with similar thinking drones or people who just won't care... I.E your mom who plays free to play facebook games, and your little brother who plays Candy Crush on his iPhone. Those who would never be effected if console gaming were to be fundamentally dismantled.
 
So yes... you too.  All that stuff you loved growing up is under attack because it isn't good enough for a very opinionated feminist and the gaming media who loves plastering her face on things and making it out that We are the problem with gaming.  If they win, we lose.  What killed comedy, The film industry, and pop culture in general is at Gaming's doorstep.  So "gamer"... what are you going to do about it?  Are you going to let it in and offer it a drink, or tell it to go screw itself?  I've made my choice and I'm going to be heard.  It's time these SJWs get to know what it's like that they have abused us enough with their hate speech and yellow journalism. 
 
"It's no longer Social Justice when you become the bullies."  - JonTron

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559 (62)
For once I'd like people to stop being so fucking demanding.
I don't even get a second to breathe anymore.
And it's iritating.
Just stop!
Calm your tits.
Let me fucking breathe .
It's bad enough that I'm stuck in my own head lately.
Been trying to focus on WoW.
It's been helping.
Though, I'm going to have to explain what a broken promise is.
It a fucking 43 year old.
Because it's not what he thinks it is.
I just cannot handle broken promises right now.
I can't handle a lot of shit right now, honestly.
I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown.
------------ 
It comes in and out like the tide.
Waves of pain, sorrow, confusion and love.
They roll over me as a blanket.
Surrounding me in warm embrace.

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[1827] Changing Directions (40)
So. Yesterday after my appointment i went to Walmart and micheals. I am making a huge wall map to get a better idea of my  route.. and honestly ive just always wanted to..
 
since I needed the car tim was going to have to get a ride home from someone because he rode to work with Bryan but Bryan was leaving after work to go to blythe for his interview tomorrow. (Which actually ended up being pushed to next week but we didnt know yet) So i was around so I told him i would just pick him up. But right after he sent the address.. my phone dies. Grrr. Luckily i used to work by a street over there.. it's been 7 years but I found it. So i get there and I have no idea where to go. I park and see 2 dudes. I'm about to get out of the car and ask one of them if they know where tim is and then i see jasper. So i followed him in and tim walks out. But then he takes me back in to see jess, one of the supervisors. I met him when tim first started and he said he is always asking about me. He's funny. I met his other supervisors too. It was weird. Jess said this thing he always says.. "when are you going to dump this guy?" A thing to say right now. I think i just laughed. 
 
Things with tim's work are crazy. He went in this morning to tell them he would accept compton ETR.  But they told him the class just filled so he has to wait for the next one in a few weeks.. which is kind of good because now it's not like he is locked into this decision. He has until the next class starts to decide now.  He said a few more jobs are closing and he's like numbers 3 or 4 or something so he might close on something else or better before he has to decide. But after talking about it.. which I think is kind of pointless.. it has nothing to do with me.. but he wanted my opinion. I was against compton completely but he said it's not as bad an area as people think and we wouldn't have to live there. The thing that changed my mind was that all his supervisors love him and they were all telling him it's a great base because it's a headquarters and he'll be seen more and tim said ETRs in compton make more than other bases because of all the work. So unless he gets like valencia or simi valley i think he should stick with that base. He agrees but idk. I don't think i should be a part of major decisions right now. He doesn't agree with that. Idk why all of a sudden my opinions actually matter. Not that they didn't before but.. not really. Not where it counts. I would argue my opinion to a point but at the end of the day tim is my husband and as a wife i would trust his decision. It sounds worse than it is. I mean when only 1 decision can be made someone has to make it. And he's supposed to be the leader. Of course i want to be heard though. I haven't felt heard in a long time. Being a wife is humbling. It's hard not reeally being heard. And now it's like all he wants is my opinion. I think it's just because of everything going on. If i wasn't leaving would he care? Does that even matter anymore? 
 
On a lighter note...  I fit in my super skinny jeans. They're a little tight but.. these aren't just my skinny jeans... no sir..  these are jeans i bought when i was like 18 and refused to get rid of. It's fantastic. This whole losing weight thing started from stress and stress alone. I lost about 5 pounds from stress at the beginning of the month. Then another 5 from no appetite. And then I was like.. i wonder what would happen if i worked out and when that happens it just falls off like nothing. I haven't worked out in a few days because ive been getting sick this week and now im in the middle of being sick.. idk what it is my body is weak and achy.. i have a headache and my throat is on fire. It hurts to swallow and breath. But I was working out everyday before this and i felt better and it happened fast. In a month with really light exercise started half way through i went from 125 to 112. i dont know why i was so reluctant to work out before. It's easy to do a little every day . 
 
About my trip.. after many talks with bryan things changed a bit. Instead of starting on the west in Spain and going east i decided it'd be better to start in the east and go west. The north east.  Like in Denmark because it's already going to be getting cold and I don't want it to be freezing when i go to the crooked forest :) i cannot wait to sit on a j shaped tree and read a book or take a nap. And pictures of course. There is a castle hostel in Germany i want to stay at.. it's only 17 euro a night which isn't too bad. I want to go to Stonehedge and sit on the lay lines.  I want to go to the waterfalls in Croatia.  I want to get a waffle from belgium hehe. I want to go to the largest waterpark in the world in Germany. Germany has a lot of cool stuff like castles but what i really want to do is tree camping. Theres a too much to write everything i want to do.. thats why I'll be gone so long. I kind of wanted to go to Sweden too because my grandpa is from there and i thought it'd be cool to bring him back something. I should see him before I go. I don't know how long I'll be gone. At least a month. But probably closer to 2. I haven't purchased a ticket yet. I need to do that soon. Like tomorrow soon. I haven't only because of the possibility of moving.  But tim insists he can handle it. I don't think he realizes. He didn't see me pack for weeks while he was at work. I dont think he gets how much freaking stuff we have... he just saw boxes organized and ready to go. It's not just putting stuff in boxes. But i guess if I'm not there to unpack i shouldn't care. I guess moving isn't exactly the worst thing at this time.. i mean.. if things change all my stuff will already be in boxes. Er. I don't like thinking about that because it's uncomfortable and i feel like crap for it but.. well i wont get into all that.
 
I miss Jefri. Stupid stuff always reminds me of him. Even going to the store i see the parsley for really cheap and think i need to get it and then i realize i dont. The other day we ordered pizza and the pizza guy saw this square of padding i was saving to make sone thing for jefri's cage and he asked if he could have it and without thinking i said no but then i realized I didn't need it anymore so tim ran out and gave it to him. Idk. It was 10 years of my life. Things changed over night.. 3 times this month. All 3 things are enough to make me want to run away on their own.. but its everything at once.  And it's more than that. But the change all at once is a huge part of it. Not just tasks but mindsets about things. Not just jefri. The other things have an ever deeper impact. But i can ignore them mostly because I'm not constantly being reminded somehow. Idk. 
 
I fell asleep on the couch last night and went to bed early. It's 6am now. I think I'll make my map today. Buy a ticket by the end of this week. I need to get a backpack. Bryan has some but idk if they'll work. I'm excited. But scared. But mostly excited. 

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seventeen. (40)
god garrett was a manipulative little shit. 
 
reading old private messages and laughing about how fucked up the teenage years were. 

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Butterscotch (43)
I didnt do anything I thought, in fact I did the opposite. I know why I wrote about butterflies. I know about Alice and girls with red shoes and glitter. Everyone is mad. I learned to fly years ago from a man. No expression. I know the secret of life, I was chosen. Im a neutral student. I know that girl...i know that girl...i think i know you from somewhere. None of it matters now but we were so close...to something. That house steals me from my dreams, I am sitting in your chair, waiting... Im flying in your room and down the hall. Eggshell blue pudding and we sit at a long table and sing, I know why we sing... butterscotch . I know you loved me till you couldnt love me much at all. You're not a hero. I know this now. 
Im cleaning my daughters room.
Clean space.
Clean mind. 
So bright. you're so bright.
lets read a book. sit down and I will take you through the looking glass...
 
 

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Untitled (55)
So Today I had to go to school and turn in some student loan stuff. And then I went next door to the casl building. To see if any of my favorite professors were there. Tomorrow school officially starts. On my way out there was this girl that I met last year. Shes a friend of my friend Helena. Her name is Mina. She was in her car listening to music. And we didnt recognize eachother so we smile. And yes I was checking her out. I didnt know who she was tho. All my friends have this crush on her. Me tho. I look but I don't feel the need to go for anything extra. Shes 26. So older than me. And in the masters program. Which also one of those silly things on my list. Educated. And older. But yeah I suck in relationships. And I don't believe in love or marriage nor understand why people do. And I don't want kids. My future is just music and philosophy. Sartre never got married right!?
 
Other news. Getting a demo together in the next 6 months. And I have a few record labels to send my shit to. I just need to perform at a few places. But in all honesty my chops are not where they need to be. Also. My cousin who sings, wants me to try to get a few neo-soul tracks for her together. My birthday will be here soon. And Im counting on a little money left over from financial aid to pay some bills. I will done with court on the 15 as well. So things are looking up. Im not in a hurry to get things over with. I only want to stay at a keen pace.  See you guys in november.   
 
My birthday is on its waaaay. And I want to go dig for records and get coffee. Anyone want to come with my friend Munk and I !? Any sugesstions? Im gonna look for drum breaks, and theres this classical composure album I want they did tho whole thing in electronic synthesizers tho. Also need to cop a new mixer and I might buy the Maschine or MPC renny/studio. Just depends on how the first few two weeks go . Hope all is Well. 

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[1826] Damaged Need Not Apply (37)
Oops. I didn't realize i didn't finish my last entry. I guess it sounds like something bad happened. I wrote an entry but it didn't save and that sentence was the only part that did. Weird. But everything is ok. Well no one is hurt or dead physically. Anyways..
 
 
Things are so weird.
 
Haven't written in a while because everything is personal or annoying but i dont really care at the moment. 
 
So last night around 9:30 pm Bryan needed us to drive him to the ER.. nothing crazy just needed a doctor and they were all closed. I had just woken up from a nap so i wasnt tired at all and when we got back we ate food and i was super wake. Tim was exhausted and went to sleep but Bryan and I stayed up playing black ops and talking all night and morning. We sometimes do that anyways but this was the longest for sure. He eventually tried going to bed around 10 am haha but he has an interview on Thursday and said he couldn't fall asleep because he kept thinking of things he needed to do to prepare.  I get that.. i never sleep before a big day and I always look like crap on the most important days because if it.  It sucks. 
 
We had some crazy conversations.  He's gone through insane things. Like.. completely crazy insane. Like lifetime movie stuff.  Hate that channel. You'd never know it. But man.. and i don't know.. he was just telling me about all of it. And a lot of things were coming up. It's sort of awkward when someone is sharing soo much personal information with you.. it almost makes you, or at least it makes me, feel obligated to share too. Usually. In the past I have felt that urge to reciprocate information about myself that is as or more.personal to idk make the person feel more comfortable?  But it has never been a good idea. It's always backfired in some way. Always. And i seem to never learn. Mostly because in the moment I completely forget and just go with how i feel. And i always feel wide open. But regardless of that wide open feeling I decided not to engage. I was simply a listening ear. But it felt weird not to share anything. We talked a looooong time and eventually i did share some stuff. Not really... usually i flat out say things. This time.. i just implied things. Bryan is smart I'm sure he could figure it out.. maybe not the 2nd thing but definitely the 1st. But most of the conversation was about how he decided to make an application kind of ironically for future girlfriends. Which sounds like something a misogynistic jerk would do but after what he's been  through i would be surprised if he didn't consider doing it. The whole conversation started because he was telling me about it. Saying he would never actually have anyone fill it out or anything but just for his own benefit to see what he's looking for.  I mean he made the point that that's basically what people are doing when they first meet and date anyways but this way it's just all condensed into one form. Some of the stuff was interesting but some was so crazy. It made me feel crappy about myself for some reason. Idk he was saying how he came from a divorced home.. as most do.. and it made him terrified of divorce and super determined to avoid ever getting a divorce. Idk a weird topic right now for me but anyways.. he said he wouldn't want a girl who had been divorced for sure but also not even a girl who came from a divorced home!  What? That's like.. that's almost everyone. But because people from divorced families are more likely to get divorced themseleves. I guess statistically that is true but still. He said a lot of things were deal breakers for him and a  lot of the things were things I did or had done or about me in some way and it just made me feel so crappy. Not that i want to be with him but maybe that this is just generally how guys think and when you break it down and shine a light on it.. i'm not desirable. Not at all. In any way. Not according to this very well thought out application. To weed out the damaged and crazies and avoid divorce. According to him I'm incredibly damaged.  I just kept listening though.  There was so much we.. well mostly he.. talked about .. like how the most important thing to him was that she was a christian. And at one point he asked me if that should be the most important thing because one of his gfs had been a Christian and she hurt him the most. I said I'm not the person to ask right now because I'm confused. . I guess he thought i meant confused about tim (which is accurate) but i really meant confused about God. And he said something like.. "tim's a good guy" and i was like oh.. i meant god.. but it felt sort of nice for a split second for someone else to know about my confusion with tim and marriage and everything. But i "corrected" him and the conversation moved on. I told him for him it definitely should be important based solely on what he wants. But that just because a girl is Christian doesn't mean she will be exempt from making mistakes.. In fact in a conversation we had earlier this week about christians and temptation i think h knows that it might mean she is tested more than non christians because shes a target. I wont gwt into that but it made sense and i think he should keep it in mind. I said based on what he  wants i think he's been looking in the wrong places nd he should try to find a girl at chuch.  Church is the worst. For so many reasons.  But I was trying to be objective. We talked a lot about divorce. Well he did. The conversation made me extremely uncomfortable and i was glad when it was my turn to play because i had an excuse not to look at him at all. I just felt weird. Guilty. He was just going on about divorce and his view on it and what the Bible says about it and at one point I literally felt like at any moment i was just going to scream entirely due to how uncomfortable i was. It's not a conversation I want to have with anyone right now.. even if for the brief a second before I corrected him it did feel so relieving to have someone else know that things aren't as perfect as they seem.. I am falling asleep I'll finish this later...... 
 
It's later. Maybe i should just press through when i am tired because i come back and its hard to remember what i wanted to say or even what was said. I guess the whole thing just made me feel bad about myself. Because apparently I am incredibly damaged. Other things he said were that he didn't want a girl who had been raped. Because he knows it ruins your life and can cause problems. Geez. It was around this  point he made it clear that the application was really insensitive and hed never actually have anyone fill it out. Yeah. He might get slapped if he did. He also said that he wanted a girl that was honest but how do you know if she is honest? What are the signs that she isnt? I felt like he was actually asking me. Like i had some sort of secret super powers or just knew simply because i have a vagina. I don't know. The only thing I know for sure lately is that i know absolutely nothing at all. The more I think i know or try to figure out the more apparent is the realization that i pretty much know nothing and will continue to know less and less.
 
I wanted to say.. so what if she is honest? Being honest is good but it doesn't mean she won't make mistakes either. I've made so many and I've never been able to keep them to myself. Sometimes I've tried but it doesn't work. Whether it is during or eventually, the truth always finds a way out of me. Sometimes i get it myself or welcome it and sometimes it's like it has a mind of its own and pries itself out of me. It doesn't seem like truth matters. People want perfect. Perfect doesn't exist. At the risk of toppling over the side of the fence I've been sitting on.. Isn't that the point? That people are so inherently evil at heart and that is why Jesus died for us.. so we could be forgiven? I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand I want to say yes.. Jesus died for my sins and i can ask forgiveness and be forgiven. On the other hand I don't think grace works past a certain point... or shouldnt.. if i make mistake after mistake knowing it is wrong and then ask for forgiveness... it doesn't seem like it should matter. I shouldn't be able to knowingly do something and then just ask to be forgiven and thats that. That's probably why I stopped praying and even asking for it. I feel ashamed and like a fraud for even considering asking. I might feel better in the moment but will it stop me from making more mistakes or even the same mistake i just asked forgiveness for? Probably not. I'm not making mistake after mistake over here.  I'm really only thinking of 1 thing and I don't even see it as a mistake and thats probably my first mistake. Idk. I have no idea about all this anymore. I didn't say any of this to him.. This was just my internal dialog.
 
I know guys like to have these sort of talks with girls because girls tend to be more insightful and have good advice and everything.  But he's asking the wrong girl for advice on life and anything of importance. Even when things aren't screwed up I'm not great at advice. I used to think i was okay and I probably could be but it feels impossible to give adequate advice to anyone unless you are that person or know absolutely everything and who ever knows everything about another person? Thats a whole other entry. Maybe I'm just bitter about the last pieces of advice i was given. Intentions were good but the advice was so empty. Might as well have opened a fortune cookie or asked a 5 year old. Although I've met some pretty insightful 5 year olds so who knows.
 
 
I didn't want to think about anything until i was on my trip. I was hoping. But it's been a month since what happened happened and since ive wanted to go. It's impossible not to think a little bit. It's easier with a roommate. There is usually always someone around. And a reason to put on the jeni act. You know.. happu bubbly jeni that lives on the surface.. the sort of person youd never expect to have any problems. I dont mean to but i dont know how else to be around people without divulging my life story and that isnt happening.. it does feel fake though amd i hate fake people. I guess for now i just have to hate myself. I wanted to continue to just pretend things are normal and fine until i left but it didn't work out. Because it's just pretending. Even if tim has been amazing.  It doesn't erase problems. It helps but not enough.  As the month goes by i think more and more. Things I was hoping to figure out removed from the situation not in the middle of it. Uhg. It's coming soon but not soon enough. At the same time I'm completely terrified. Of going. Of being on my own. Of people. New places. But it's happening. I convinced tim so much that this is a good idea that now that I'm having doubts he is pushing me to go. He says it's okay that i feel this way but that these are the exact reasons why I have to go. That this was the whole point. Yeah. But. Still. Maybe safe is better. Maybe figuring out what i want will only ruin safe... and I'll get exactly what I want and be unsafe amd everything will be uncertain and chaotic.. maybe I've just been crazy. Maybe i am happy.. or that is just fear of the unknown talking.  Why doesn't writing help anymore? I used to write and figure stuff out along the way .. it was like gold mining and after I would feel so amazing for all my new discoveries. Now it feels more like I'm trying to find. needle in a haystack. 
 
I should go be productive. I have a lot to do. Too much. Get that card. Practice guitar.. my 3 fingers are so hard and callused it's awesome.. drums? I should but after clearing out the truck (which we sold last week) there's more boxes now and harder to get to my drums. Or the treadmill and all i want to do is run since that conversation Sunday night.
 
Tim just called and we found out last week that he was #1 for ETR in compton. Compton... blah. He was #2 for Crenshaw and hollywood. We've been waiting for simi valley or valencia or something closer.. now he's saying he must have canceled Hollywood because they're saying he isnt anything. What? I dony get it. He said they wanted an answer about compton today. I told him to make the decision because h already knows my opinion. I don't want it and I think he should wait it out. But he's saying they are telling everyone that jobs will be opening up less and less and to take anything. That's what he said a month ago and I said wait and then Hollywood opened.  And if he hadnt canceled.. i still dont get why he canceled.. but if he hadnt.. he would be picking that today. There wouldn't be a problem. And when he was #20 or 30 for jobs he was freaking out and i said give it a week and the next week he was #3 or 4. I was right again.  But i cant make this decision. He's saying he doesn't want to put me in a position I don't want to be in.. but i already have for the last 2 years. I said i cant make a decision and have it turn out that no jobs open again and he is stuck in AMI forever while all these other guys move on. No. It has to be his decision. If he does pick compton though.. it might mean no trip. Actually it definitely would mean no trip. Because it starts the 8th. I did all the packing every time we moved before. It takes at least a week or 2. And i was frwaking out about everything i needed to do for my trip.. cant do both in 2 weeks its not possible. This couldn't have come at a worse time.

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Less than 17 weeks (52)
As of yesterday I am under 17 weeks to go and then our new bundle of joy will be joining us.  He is definitely becoming an active kicker and likes to throw in some punches now and then.  Hopefully that means we will have an active child on our hands, one that will help keep Curly worn out from playing together :)  Short entry I know but that's all I got right now.

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[1825] /Dies (43)
Still in the ER.

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[954] (39)
STOP LOOKING FOR THE THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU UPSET
 
stop getting upset by stupid things
it's not even a thing katherine why are you so fucking stupid
she can write wherever and with whoever and be whoever she wants to be you can't stop that you can't control that you have nothing to do with it just stop stop stop stop stop and get ahold of yourself
you are at work godfucking damnit, pull your shit together

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Untitled (59)
 
My time with Texas is comming to a close. Online classes are over. And my flight is in a few days. School at Michigan starts September 3rd. And Im graduating in december. It took me forever. But I really had no idea what I was doing. I have a deal with my parents. Give me a year. And if I don't put my heart into music and writing then, Ill say fuck it and go to law school or grad school. Or work in Alaska oil for a year. 
 
Jazz music. Is like my life. Hip hop my mistress. When I dj and make beats, Im thinking about guitar. When I play and practice my guitar no matter the style, I'm thinkin about a particular groove for a beat I havent finished. I have a two track mind. Im trying to do 40 beats a week. And practices on the guitar for about two -three hours a day in the morning. 
Am I silly for thinking I can make a career of music and philosophy with out all the academic ideals? 

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Untitled (40)
I found love and I stopped loving.

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truth. (38)
i won't.

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1279 (56)
"I've got issues, I've got scars
In the colors just like yours
I was broken right from the start
I'm not different than you are
I'm not perfect, I'm perfectly flawed
And my scratches don't hurt much at all
But just like you, I've got issues."
-James Durbin - Issues 
 
"Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for trying to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too,
Either way I found out I'm nothing without you."
 
-Kelly Clarkston:  My Life Would Suck Without You
 
"I've been trying - I'm not Lying
I'm not perfect - I've got baggage."
"Life's too short babe, time is flying
I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine."
-Rent:  La Via Boheme

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1278 (30)
When we left the vet I told Max, "Hey, well look on the bright side, with all that needle poking you got they were able to give you some narcotics!  That's pritti neat, huh?  Not everyone can just go in and come out with narcotics right?  You'll be feeling better in no time."
I gave him the meds the next day and noticed he stopped and stared at me a lot longer than normal.  Then I noticed his response time was a bit delayed.  It makes him seem like he's deaf.  But he heard it, just in the wrong direction, so he does like this double take before looking the right way. He really is stoned.  He was a really calm dog before, but now I can like hug/lay on him and he doesn't fight as much.  Its kind of awesome.  But the stoner looks for a long time are kinda creeping me out.  They said it would make him drowsy, I guess that's the same symptoms.  But I haven't noticed him sleeping more than usual. He'll lay with his head on his paws and stare longer, but he's not flat out cold sleeping.  He might have a deeper sleep once he does close his eyes.... He doesn't seem too disoriented when getting up out of bed.
Now I have thoughts of taking him home this weekend with a house full of family, opening the door and shout out a warning, "Watch out here comes a stoned dog!"  As he runs in the house.  He still has normal reactions to going outside or going for walk, excited, just a lower key.  I'd hear my mom yell, "What?!" in disbelief. And my response would "What?  He's as high as a kite! And he's loving it!"  My mother would retort by yelling my full name.  And I conintue, "What? I'm jealous. At least one of us can be that happy. I wonder what some of his meds would do for me. Naw, wait the lady told me it didn't do nothing for humans, she said "trust me", I'm pretty sure she's tried it."  There my dog would be stopping randomly in the front room and giving everyone his stoner stare with a smile.
He gonna be alright.

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1277 (35)
Saturday was a rough day for me.
It was finally the only Saturday I've had to myself to get some things done this summer.  This time I decided not to go the selfish route and relish in the thought of doing nothing all day.  I actually decided to take the dog for a walk, in the morning, take him to the vet and take my car in for an oil change, and then make time to go to the baptism that evening.   I didn't even gorge myself selfishly with food that day.
My calendar alerted me it was Harvest Days celebration for the city this weekend, so that ment a parade.  The alert woke me up and so I went to the bathroom and let the dog outside as he was bugging me already at like 8 in the morning.  I found Cassie's boyfriend in the downstairs bathroom cleaning up an overflowing toilet issue. Oy voy. Great way to start the day, right?  And there he is attempting to defend himself, "Your plungers don't work! They're all broken!"  Well, gee, I wonder why.  You've plugged up my toilets so many times and used and broke all my plungers!  So he said he 'saved the day' by going all the way to his house and getting his "industrial plunger" and bringing it back to my house.  I want to strangle that man.  He continues to defend himself, "I have a medical problem."  If you realize you have a medical problem than you should take percaution of other peoples things and houses!  I don't take my medical problem to your house and plug up your toilet and ruin your property value!  I can't believe I had to say this outloud to get it through his head, "So buy me a industrial plunger if you are going to use my toilets!"  Its not that hard.  Seriously, between him and Cassie they have NO consideration for other people AT ALL.   Cassie is not getting a good referral from me.
So anyways... I got up, much earlier than I wanted to, and was too agitated to go back to sleep.  But I laid in bed and attempted until like 9am.  I finally got up and made some breakfast and got ready.  Took the dog for a walk down like 5-6 blocks to the parade the city was having at 10.  It was a longer walk than I thought and it was hot outside already.  My dog and his heavy breathing and black coat worried me and I had no water with me.  We found a shady lawn and parked and I figgered we'd sit for like an hour and recoupurate before having to take that walk in the heat again.
The parade was small, and the number of people that came to see it was small also.  Prolly more ppl in the parade than those that watched it.  Anyways, just sitting there as the parade went by two people pulled out dog treats as they sat in their cars as they drove by and threw my dog some treats.  Weird.  I mean, animal lovers, yes I can see that, but who carries dog treats with them in a parade?   Are there that many?  I guess I dont usually take Max to the parade cuz he's scared of the noises.  He didn't seem to be too scared of the noises, he just did his normal heavy breathing where everyone thinks he's dying.  One lady was walking and just couldn't pass him without petting him, she had to double back to get to him.
I got some attention to with the candy being thrown at the little loners on the corner of the lawn watching.  I got some ice pops.  Haven't had those in awhile.  I miss them.  I was surprised I got candy.  I thought I wouldn't cuz I didnt steal any children and have them with me. I was surprised at their concerns tho when some people came up and handed me candy, "I dont want your dog to get it."   I was surprised that was a concern, but hey I guess in normal dogs that would be a concern, and it was chocolate so I appreciated the caution at least.  I dunno.  It was weird.  No one seemed afraid to approach me to hand me their papers and flyers. Max got up every time someone approached tho.  Made some of them jumpy.  I made friends with the couple on the grass next to me.  They wanted to tell me how proud they were of their grandson who was in the parade rolling skating and doing tricks.  While I was at the parade someone texted me about my Ikea Malm bedframe I was selling on KSL.  They said they could come after 1. 
After the parade we walked home and got some water and a little bit of food, I grabbed a blanket and took the dog to a new vet. I didn't know how long that would take so I hadn't made an appointment with the KSL person.   We got there around 12:15 or so they took us right in.  They just had a cat ahead of us.  Of course the floor is all linoleum and my dog has super long claws and was afraid, which is why I brought the blanket. I laid it down on the floor as we waited.  He was pretty good at following me back into the room, until he realized it was a room with no escape and he backed up.   The nurse vet helper lady got behind him and attempted to push him and he hates that!  Then out of the blue one of the dogs behind the main desk came out and growled and barked and potentionally attacked Max as he was in his already scared state.  I put down the blanket to create a bridge between me and him so he could get away and he took the bait.  Into the room he was.  The silly part is there are two doors in the room, like swinging doors almost that he could escape from if he really tried and he was desparate enough, he would have.  So I kept him on lease and put the blanket at my feet and he leaned against me in a panic state of heavy breathing.
The lady didn't seem that....impressive to me.  She had a piercing in her eyebrow and completely destroyed hair from dying it a thousand times.  She juss seemed like a punk chick that got a break in the vet world by some relative that let her work there.  I'm sure she is qualified and knew what she was talking about, but the first impression wasn't so great.   Anyways...  she of course is the one to examine the dog, not the doc.   She groped my poor puppy and we pointed out all his fatty tissue gobs he has, like always.  I learned one is in his back left inner thigh and its huge.  I'm sure that alone is enough to not have his legs work right on the stairs.
She attempted to listen to his heart and lungs as his heavy breathing persisted.  She couldn't hear anything but his breathing and had to clamp his mouth shut for a minute.  He hates that too.  I reached down as he leaned against me and rubbed his ear and head and somehow he knew it was me and for some reason it calmed him down.  He actually held still for a minute while she listened.  That tactic continued to work throughout the examine.  I was amazed.  I didn't think anything could calm him down in his panic moments that lady seemed to create for him.
She was quick to declare his breathing as "stress breathing"  as in 'pain is ensuing and I shall pant'.  She concluded it was probably arthritis in the back as I mentioned he seemed to have trouble with his back legs.  I thought when dogs are hurt they like attack ppl who try and touch them in their pained areas.  He didn't get mad at me or anything.  I know he lost patience with children prolly cuz of pain in his back.  She was quick to remind of how he's in pain every chance she got.  It didn't seem rude, but afterwards it almost felt like she was telling me I'm a bad owner for letting him be in pain and that I should know he is past the average age of living labs and should know that he has arthritis by now and yadda yadda.
Anyways, she gave me some options to check him out in other ways, of course the expensive ones.  They always want blood work, which is like $110, but when she told me they can learn about his inner organs and if they are working properly I was interested.  He's never had blood work done and I wonder if anything in there is part of his pain.  So I ordered that.  The doc came in and listened to his chest and declared Max had a heart arithum, I dunno, some bit word that they concluded was the "stress breathing".  He wanted to make sure the heart is healthy, not enlarged, no fluid in the lungs or around the heart etc.  So I ordered the x-ray of the heart area.  Not the x-ray of his back, cuz we all know whats going on there basically.  So I ordered the expensive tests they 'recommended'.  Totalling $250.
I felt like I was at a car dealership, "This needs replaced, would you like to do that today?  Your manufacturer reommends this oil, would you like to do that today?"   Which would be the questions I got later that day.  So many decisions.
When the lady talked to me about the pain she made it sound like there was nothing you can do.  Older dogs have arthritis all the time, they still around til they literally can't move, my dog is obviously still going.  He made to the vet on his own four legs.  So that got me kind of teary. But I held it together.  Then the doc came in and literally stated and repeated, "It just depends on what you want to do."  He might as wel blantantly said, "Do you want to keep him alive or not?  Should we kill him right now or no?  Do you want to spend lots of money to keep him going?"   I dunno.  It upset.  They acted like the dog was dead already, at least on his last legs.  They didn't even have the test results to indicate there was a problem that could not be fixed.  His age and arthritis were apparently the symtom with no remedy. 
But the dumb part is that there is a remedy, its called drugs.  A lot of dogs do it nowadays!
The doc was a heavy guy that couldnt even get to the floor to listen to my dogs heart.  His knees creaking and his breathingy heavy and he mentioned he had back pain too prolly with his heavy weight and yadda yadda.  Exactly, the doc has old man issues too, nobody told his wife "It all depends on what you want to do with him right now..."  He took medication and he's still alive and kicking.  Not as happily as before.  He does look a little too young for him to be on his 'last leg' tho.
So they got me to agree to spend a lot of money, tell me my dog is on his last legs and there was nothing they could do, made me wait in waiting room with these thoughts, and THEN they got the test results.  I had a really hard time in the waiting room as they took my dog away to hold him down and take his blood.  I wanted to talk to someone about what they just told me.  But Min didn't answer my text.
They brought Max back out to me after they got his blood work going and man oh man, he didn't even look at me. I think he was mad.  He looked at me once or twice and then out the door to tell me he wanted to go.  The lady said he kinda peed while he was in there and that he needed to go outside. So I took him outside and he went to the end of the lease, like usual, and didn't attempt to slow down for me or look at me.  He was gone!  I think he was mad at me too, tho.  I told him what was going on and that we had to go back in and wait for the results. 
We went in and I put my blanket down for him.  Then an assistant lady who took my dog came out to finish cutting his nails.  Oh he hates it when ppl grab his limbs possessively and forcefully.  Max kept moving so on one claw she actually got him and I saw blood.  The first time I seen blood on my dog.  Kinda freaked me out.  But his claws were cut and he could walk on the floor a lot better.  I shoulda done that a long time ago.  Again the one lady mentions having his claws cut so he can walk on the floor might help relieve his back pain.
I told them specifically what I wanted to know, what I was concerned about, hence the specific x-rays and blood testing I asked for so they knew what I was looking for. I said I wanted to make sure all his inner organs were working first cuz I wanted to make sure all of his pain was just his bones/arthritis that would be treatable.  If he had more pain inside him that was less treatable or more expensive or whatever then I'd consider the "what do we do with him now?" question.  As if we have to plot his death that very day in order to call it humane.  But if its just his outside part then I could drug him until he couldn't move anymore and then at 52lbs I wouldn't have much other choice.
They finally got the results and called me in to tell me.  The immediately went to the X-ray and showed me the arthritis in his neck.  Explained his heart seemed fine.  And then "oh we're done here, we'll give a perscription for some pain meds for him." blah blah deal.  I'm like wait.... And then, as an after thought as he was leaving the room, he decided to mention the blood test showed everything was okay with his insides, it was all working well.  And I'm sure if I paid $78 for that other X-ray of his back it would be another two seconds of "Oh he has arthritis in his back"  Duh.
So suddenly my concern of his insides wasn't a concern for them, but didn't tell me, and then suddenly there was a remedy for his arthritis called pain meds.
I knew I would have problem with whatever vet I went to. They seriously dont listen to me. So I didn't think it mattered which one I went to, I juss needed to get him into the vet.
So I went out to get his pills.  One lady telling me they dont have enough of one pill cuz some lady came and looted a whole bunch that morning, and told me one full pill twice a day, and the other pill cut in half and do half a pill twice a day.  Then the other lady came to actually give me the pills after the label was made and told me both pills cut in half and give only half a pill twice a day.  I added a last minute Bordella shot he hadn't had yet this year.  Another $12, what does it matter?  With those pills it brought the bill up another like $100 so I ended up paying $343.
By then I had a headache.  Emotions, decisions, miscommunications, unanswered questions.  I was done.
But when I was alone finally with just me and my dog I spoke as if I had a better attitude about it, somehow. I said, "Well that could've been worse."  and "Hey look at the bright side at least you get doped up finally."  and I seemed so casual with this sentence I feel bad, "Well I dont remember how long you been breathing like that, but at least we finally got you to the doc to get some pain meds...now that we know you are hurting..."
I should've taken him this spring.  All summer it was on my mind.  I wonder how much pain he is in.  He still eats and drinks and walks and poos.  He hasn't attacked anyone cuz of pain.  I dunno.  The lady said I prolly should've taken him to doc two years ago when I said he started having trouble with the stairs at moms house. 
Sigh.  Shoulda, woulda, coulda.   You can speculate til you turn blue and we'll still never know the answers.
Then I rushed home to sell my bed frame like 2.5 hours later.  I was kind of sad to see it go.  I saved my pesos for that bed back in like 2008 or so.  I liked it.  I just like to rearrange my room too much and I cant move that frame around so easily.   The wife spent her time telling me how it was a present for her husband and how he doesn't know how much money she is spending on it while her husband packed it into the car.  She said she told him she spent $40 on it.  Seriously who would believe that?  I mean husbands are gullible sometimes, but seriously, you have to be stupid to believe that!  Esp when she mentioned they go to Ikea all the time.  He knows the prices I bet!  Its not that cheap!  I sold it to her for $150, she told him $40.  He picked out the bed at Ikea, he liked it but couldn't afford it, surprise, but he didn't remember the bed when they went to pick it up from me.  haha.
She said and I quote afterwards, "He really likes it as I had hoped and we are both happy we could afford it."  That right there, thats messed up kids.  Messed. up.  There's a big difference between $40 missing from the account and $150. I have a feeling they dont have the greatest relationship tho.  First of all she is purchasing a full bed frame for her husband. Bed for a single person, mind you. Then she is lying about the prices and I sure hope he's not that dumb to believe what she tells him. And then it seems like she's telling me this as if to make me feel bad or offer to lower the price or give her money back at $150.  That is half the price I bought it for, not including the nightstand I gave them!  Whatever. I got my money, she got him a present, and its her choice to lie about money and stuff, not mine. 
Shed a tear for that.  Didn't have time to rearrange my bedroom after cleaning out my whole closet basically to get to that bed frame.  Ate some toast and hopped in the car to go drop off some clothes at D.I.  Shed a tear for that.  Got an oil change and texted Mindy while I waited.  By now I've had like 2 or 3 intermiten tear sessions for my issues with the dog.  I told Min she had to help me decide when it was okay to let him go, but for now I'm paying for pain meds.   After the oil change and $42 dollars later I found I had no idea where to go or what to do.  It was about 4pm and I had til 7 before the baptism.  I remembered the fair was still going for the city celebration, but I didnt want to go anymore.  I realized I hadn't eaten anything cept for breakfast this morning and toast an hour ago.  I remembered I had a $5 coupon card for Pie Five. Never been, thought I'd try it out.
By the time I got home I was popped out.  I think Max was too.  He survived a parade AND the vet. So I laid down.  I had to clean half my room in order to get ot my bed, but I finally made it around 6pm.  Of course I didnt want to get up after I managed to calm my brain down.  But I got up, got dressed, and trudged over to the baptism.
I think I mainly wanted to go to the baptism cuz I wanted to see a legit baptism ever since Evans.  A baptism where someone actually kept those promises and was geniuenly interested and not doing it cuz they are supposed to or someone told them too.  Anyways, I liked the song the two boys sang.  I like the reminder of baptism covenants.  We dont see it as much in a  YSA ward.  Ate some cookies, took a pic, talked to some ppl and then I headed home around 8:30pm where I burst into tears in the car yet again that day.
I wiped the tears long enough to see the Redbox selections and got a movie and Slurpee.  Mmmmm.  I went home and turned on the movie and was interrupted when the city celebration fireworks went off at 10pm.  I stopped the movie and went out to watch the fireworks. And again burst into tears as I thought awful thoughts about Max dying, when, where and how.  This time the leak didn't stop tho.  It went on for awhile as I poured my heart out to God.  I know he thinks I am strong enough to live through things like this, but ya konw, I'm not so sure.  Children and animals are a real sensitive spot for me and I'm sure he's not going to take that 'gift' away from me by making me immune what happens to them.  Anyways I knew I couldn't go to bed with thoughts like that in my head so I prayed hard that I could have those feelings and thoughts taken away so I could sleep, at least.  I was a zombie, finished my movie, and went to bed.
Sunday, the next morning, I couldn't sleep the whole time but I wasn't thinking sad thoughts.  I didn't realize I wasn't thinking sad thoughts until I actually got out of bed.  I thought hey, I laid in bed and actually had a pleasant time waking up slowly.  Took a shower, ate some breakfast, drugged the dog, watched his behavior all morning, noticed his stoner stares, got a bit worried, I think I noticed he hasn't been breathing as hard as before?, didn't cry at church, no more random crying, had a nice time.  I came home and finished rearranging my room after my bed frame left and its much nicer in there. I like my room.  I'm glad I got the desk to help me study. Makes my room more of a peaceful place. Took another shower and spent some time at my new desk reading the BofM and praying for me and my dog.  Needless to say I'm not doing the whole dog again.
 

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Too many times (63)
How many times have I realized that I'm not in love with that person, I'm just in love with being in love with that person? 

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1276 (42)
I have to write this.  Juss for posterity's sake.
When my children whine and complain about internet speed not being fast enough and you actually have to wait 2.5 seconds for a page to load, I want them to know this.
My current internet speed at work in Dunn's law office is 1.18mbps on download speed.  My current upload speed is .73mbps.   Not even one!  Test taken at speedtest.net.  I'm in the year 2014 and I'm 26 years old and this is how far we've gotten so far.  Then again I have a boss the same age as my dad that hasn't picked up on the new technology thing.
Now UT has recently been ranked #8 in the US with speed of 12.1megabits per second (mbps) while Virginia has the fastest speed of 13.7mbps.  Isn't Virginia the hillbilly country?  People that actually eat roadkill out there in parts of that state?  Maybe that's West VA? What do they need the fastest internet for?
And my generation think internet dial-up was bad.  We feeling pretty good with 1.2mpbs, but now as times change, 1.2 is nothing, just as dial-up was back then, and soon 12 will be nothing to you kids.
Gas prices currently are at $3.65 as of late, at least for this state.  I know the more expensive ones are $4 and something cents by now.
The small candy bars are $.89 while the King size ones are $.99. Go fig.
RedBox movies went from $1 with tax .08, to $1.65 now I believe.
The Dollar movie theatres are up to $1.25-$1.50 I think depending on weekends and matinees.
Haircuts are like $12 plus a tip.
The 'expensive' theatres are like $9.25 for adults, $6.75 for kids.  But then again popcorn is like $5 and so is a drink basically.   So for a date $10/ticket plus $15 for two drinks and popcorn = $35  slightly ridiculous.
The car I want to eventually buy is about $19,000-21,000, but of course, with taxes and all the other junk they add on its more like $23,000 or something.
If I bought milk and ever drank it I would tell you the price of that. I think its $1.97 for a gallon, or maybe half.  I dunno.
I'm sure diapers and baby formula are outrageous prices now too, but I dont buy those often either.  Just know that babies are expensive. Always.
I found this amusing, this'll be ancient by the time the kids see it.
The Community Education Classes for computer education are labeled this way:
Basic Internet Exploration for Beginners
Prepare for fun, learn how to browse, search, find, and collect data, copy pictures, and more. Travel the world with Google Earth, find music on YouTube and set up a Pandora account. One night will be spent on Facebook.
Beginning Computers and Internet
Learn Windows basics including folders, file setup, email basics, searching the web and find what you are looking for, saving pictures and uploading pictures, listen to music, watching movies, planning a vacation - all online.
Computers 101 - Where is the on switch?
If you know how to turn the computer on this class is probably not for you. We’ll learn everything you need to know to get started. NOT for those who already feel comfortable using their computers. This class is designed for truly beginning beginners.
Computers 102 - Now what?
Same description basically as 101.
Unlocking your iphone/ipad
If you have questions this class will have the answers! Learn how to setup, sync and start using your device. Also learn how to navigate, download apps and change settings. Tips and tricks on how to access the hidden features.
Everything a three year old can do not only on a computer, but on any other device and they can't even read!
And this is just computers they are talking about, cept the last one with iphone/ipad.  By the time the kids see this people prolly wont be using computers at all.  Almost everyone will have some other device, ipad, iphone, etc, I bet.  I believe it is the Surface Pro 3 they are coming out with, "the tablet that will replace your computer".  CPU's and monitors are going to be the thing of the past soon I bet.  You kids are prolly going, What's a CPU?
 

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Untitled (41)
You're hot shit and it seems that I'm the last to know

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sleep. (38)
and i closed my eyes, wished for the best, and left.
life is easier, it doesn't hurt to live. i have been hurting people, i'm aware of that. a really big part of me just doesnt care.
so i have a new interest,i don't trust them. i don't even know them. 
can i just let go?

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Growth, so-called maturity, and egomania (38)
So earlier tonight I was thinking about how my emotional growth has been horribly stunted by my childhood, and how I am basically at the emotional intelligence level of a 13-year-old.
 
And I was also thinking about how I've gotten past the stage in my life where I think Zach Braff is some super wise person to look up to.
 
But, like, how idiotic and ironic and just contradictory would it be for me to say I've outstripped the maturity level of my (formerly?) beloved Scrubs and Garden State?
 
Like, I am not better than other people just because I am a better feminist, or whatever. Or wiser, or more mature.
 
I was also thinking about how I was often a really fucked up and unsupportive friend back in the day. I can kind of own up to it now (something I am generally very bad at is taking responsibility for things that do not bring me glory) -- though I can see the external causes of my own situation of abuse and complete lack of parental guidance, I can still take responsibility for my part in acting like a giant asshole.
 
So to my old friend, I am sorry that when you told me that stuff about your brother I totally acted like it wasn't a big deal. I had my own shit going on in that same arena, and I told you about it. I shouldn't have brushed off your experiences so easily. I hope you didn't suffer more from holding them inside because I wasn't caring enough or capable enough or wise enough to listen and give a shit. And I'm sorry about the time(s) I said I was more mature than you. We both have our super-fucked up mind problems, crazy stubbornness, and emotional issues. I handle some situations better than you. You probably handle some situations better than me. I haven't talked to you in forever and I hope you are doing really well at your new job. Even when crazy shit happened, you were always fun to be around. I miss the days when we were like Lucy and Ethel. It was like every day was the chocolate factory episode. I hope we one day reconnect.
 
And to my childhood heroes, yeah, you are not perfect. You are broken in many ways, but you know what? You served as my elder siblings, parents, and friends when I had none of those things in the real world. You were just on the TV and you don't even know me, and if I approached you in public you'd probably be all like "who the fuck are you are you trying to steal my underwear for some kind of creepy underwear-shrine" (I mean, that'd be my first thought if I was a celebrity, obvs). Everyone is broken and bent and fucked up, and the ways we overcome our flaws are what is beautiful. And the ways we fail to overcome our flaws are what we call tragedy. And I've never liked tragedy. I live for the tragicomedy, with that hopeful upturn at the end of all the drama, with that happy destiny laid out for the future, with perseverance and hard work and character building.
 
They say things like that people don't change. Sure, there are a lot of personality things that are pretty stable. But people change when they are growing. I am maybe too old to grow now. Maybe not. I hope I can keep growing because I still have a lot of catching up to do. I still don't have any social skills or know how to maintain a friendship. I still don't know who I am because so much of my life has been dealt with only by stepping outside of myself and letting my mind drift elsewhere. So much of my life has been ignoring myself and accommodating others.
 
I'm in a cocooning sort of phase. I want to insulate myself and isolate myself, and let my thoughts and songs reverberate within and around myself, and thus to find myself. I hope to one day emerge confident and hopeful. I have always been hopeful, but only about certain things. I have been confident, but only overconfident, or not at all. I need to learn moderation in my feelings about myself.
 
I'm a good person, a decent human being. I'm not a great person, an angel, a saint, or anywhere near infallible. I'm also not an awful demonic horror. So that's good. Moderation. I am learning.
 
I do feel like I'd be a good guardian angel, though. Like, if that was my full-time job. Just to watch people and hold them with incorporeal arms and send them waves of love and comfort. That'd be pretty much the best job. Or even an angel of death, comforting the utterly disoriented, fearful, pained and tormented and helping them to find their way to Next Place.
 
I just wish I consistently and devoutly believed in angels.
 
 
 
PS. Robin Williams died today (August 11th, 2014). I can't sleep. There is a thunderstorm going on during a supermoon and a (Perseid) meteor shower in the middle of a heatwave. Those things would all be cool except I'm just really, really sad. And it's not even my place to be sad. But I just keep reading all these sad things.
 
PPS. David Wong wrote this thing on Cracked, and I don't really like the way he ended it, and some of it was too hard to read, but some of it really struck a chord with me and got me thinking even more about how emotionally stunted I am, and how I'm totally not alone in that, and how it's actually a pretty common way to be and deal with things. Also confirmed my total love of John Cheese, now and forever. And made me want a poop/boob machine. http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/robin-williams-why-funny-people-kill-themselves/
 
 
 
Been re-watching all of Scrubs. I still want to be a lot like Dr. Cox. He's basically House without the addiction. But so much yelling and self-sabotage. I do that stuff. I'd like to do it less, but it'd alleviate at least some of my crippling self-doubt and feelings of impending failure to know that in some way I am helping others even as I desperately try to keep my own head above water.
 
 

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Twisted Chapter 23 (63)
His boots came to a stop in the clearning and he took a deep breath in of fresh air.  It had been too long since he stepped outside and the fresh air helped hurry along his recovery.  Leon stared at him as he relaxed with his new freedom and slowly watched Joseph look back at him.
"I think it's time we both see your family."
Joseph looked away and said "Maybe for you."
Leon watched his jaw tighten as his state of relaxation disappeared and he tried to sense if the man was in pain still.  There was no bond or link between them and he was left with only questions.
"Your parents have been waiting for Kara's latest update on your recovery."
"They don't need anymore."
"Joseph.  They are your parents."
His gaze snapped back to Leon and he growled "My parents died when I was pup as far as I am concerned.  These people mean nothing to me."
Leon looked away and let out a slow sigh as the man walked back inside.  His nerves were racing and he felt the craving to break something settling in.  Climbing the stairs, he silently returned to their quarters and stopped at the bedroom door.  He watched Kara sleep for what appears to be the first time in quite a while.  He knew she would join him in bed but by shielding him from the pain she wasn't getting the rest she needed.
"Joseph."
He glanced over his shoulder as the skin moved aside and Zeke entered with his other brothers.  Griffon stared at him a little surprised to see him on his feet and Ace shook his head.
"Finally decided to give your mate a break?"
He led them out in the hallway and Zeke said "We're glad you're doing better.  Just don't do that again."
He leaned his hip against the wall and asked "Worried?"
Ace chuckled and said "I think more worried what would happen to Angel if you didn't pull through.  She had been a nervous wreck with you being laid up for so long."
Griffon sighed and said "Gabby hasn't been much better."
"So all the women worried about their litte brother and yet Zeke seems to be the most relieved I can stand on my own to feet again."
The two laughed and Zeke shook his head.  He settled his gaze on his baby brother and knew the man understood why.
"Thank you for taking care of my family."
Zeke nodded and asked "What changed?"
"Just felt stronger today."
The three studied him for a moment and Ace said "Well at least this means Kara can stop and catch her breath."
Joseph stared back at him and asked "She continued with the training?"
The three slowly nodded and Griffon sighed "Between that loud bunch of babies, tending to you, and slowly creating a bridge between your folks and Leon she has no time to relax."
He looked away and stared back at the waterfall.  Leon's suggestion made sense now and he felt his jaw tighten.
"Are you going to see them?"
"No."
Ace frowned and said "That's not right."
Zeke watched him look back at them and said "Just don't turn your back on them if they approach you.  That would be insulting to Kara."
He nodded once and asked "Damon?"
The three chuckled and Griffon said "He hasn't come anywhere near us since your confrontation."
Ace nodded and said "I think you lived up to more than just the big brother image for him.  The way you stared him down gave us chills."
"I doubt that."
Zeke watched the two shrug and "Using Kara to identify him wasn't the nice approach."
Joseph met his gaze and said "It wasn't something I would do unless I had no other options."
The two stared at each other until Ace cleared his throat and Griffon rolled his eyes.  The tension between them about their relationships with their mates was going to kill them all if it wasn't put to rest soon.  They watched Joseph look away first and saw him glance down the hallway.  He heard Mikhail making his way towards them and found him lingering around a corner in hearing distance.  The boy snuck a peek at him and when he didn't blink the boy ran up to him.
Despite the protest throughout his entire body he took his son into his arms and held him as he greeted his uncles.  Mikhail shifted into his pup form and jumped down onto the ground.
"Can we go for a run?"
He could hear his brothers protesting and said "I'll try and keep up."
Mikhail's tail began wagging as he shifted into his wolf form and walked with him down the steps.  The transition was less painful than earlier and he followed his son outside into the clearing.

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558 (68)
My birthday is coming up.
27.
Oh boy.
I feel sorta old.
And fat.
Really, really fat.
But I think I'm okay right now.
Just been RPing the best I can.
Finally got my 2nd Crusader up and going.
And I'm posting like mad!
Just need to get a damn Rio Narration!!
Slacking admin!
Cept not really.
He's got so much going on.
I feel totally bad for him.
He totally needs a Hiki Hug.
They are the best hugs.
I AM FIRE!!!
I AM DEATH!!!

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[953] (66)
i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know
but i guess nobody else does either so welcome to real life or whatever

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1275 (39)
I have to be honest here.
I think if I wasn't 'doing what I'm supposed to be doing' and 'doing something right in life' that I wouldn't be having these issues that I have experienced in just the last week. 
I know, from past experience, that once I start doing the right things and getting involved in the church I have WAY more problems in life than when I didn't get involved in church stuff as much.
I see the difference between the adversary messing around with me and God testing me and I'm thinking, I'm sure not I know which one I want to live with more....
But the difference is God tests me and then shows me miracles (that I have no idea how to react to cept to take it with a feeble attempt at a thank you) and then the adversary just doesn't put any bumps in my road and I continue down the same mundane path everyday, which for a mostly introvert quiet person that could very nice at times. 
I also have to admit tho, having different trials/problems/anything different in my life is somewhat more exciting. At least its something to talk about.  But the 'no bumps in the road' approach by not exactly doing what I was supposed to be doing was okay for me too. 
But either way you can get tired of it.  You can get tired of the mundane path the adversary wants to keep you in, but you can also get a bit tired of God testing you and then throwing miracles and blessings at you for remaining faithful. 
I've noticed everytime, in the beginning when I first committed to church activities, that I would have pain somewhere on my body, usually headaches, and everytime I went to an activity that pain would disappear while there and return when I got home on occassion.   Little tests like that God gives with blessings to follow. Sometimes it feels frustrating, like someone is messing with me, someone pushing buttons.
Its just frustrating going into something, like reading the Book of Mormon, knowing something is going to break in the next 24 hours cuz you cracked open a book.  But you do it anyway.
I've learned a lot from my mom and her "I dont care about anything" aka lack of emotion/feelings approach in life.  I find myself simply saying "I dont care", well more particularly I perfer to say "It doesn't matter."  Cuz in the long run, all these things I fret about really don't matter.
Sometimes I say I can't go to church or give someone a ride cuz I'm running out of gas in the car.  But then I realize it really doesn't matter whether or not someone else is in the car, you should still go.  I lost my phone down a river and I concluded it really doesn't matter.  No one calls me anyway.  I think I should stay home wiht my dog on Weds instead of a pointless missionary night of knocking on doors where no one answers, but then I think it doesn't matter, either way the dog will do the same thing whether I'm there or not, just laid down and sleep and/or bug me for food.  I make simple stupid excuses like I can't go now cuz I'm late already, but no one cares when you show up.  In fact, they don't care when you leave either, but yeah... I attempt to freak out if I'm cutting myself short on dinner, but it doesn't matter, its just dinner, a cheesestick will tide me over til I get home, no biggy. 
 
 

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557 (46)
I have this sudden feeling and need to change my name on the 'D.
From Lady Hikari to Lady Smaug.
Why?
I AM FIRE!
I AM DEATH!
There may be a chance to my SIT here soon.
Because I can't help but yell that every ten minutes.

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1274 (35)
PANIC!
My hard drive at work is toast!
And all my back up efforts are futile as I have somehow backed up important information incorrectly.
Gah I feel so stupid.
Gah!  All that information the boss has kept for like 30 years is on that hard drive!
The boss is out of town, he comes back in two days!  What do I do?!
I'm panicking, and if I'm panicking, that means the boss will panick like 10x more than me. He panicks when there isn't a common somewhere sometimes, he panicks when one word is misspelled or something!
I can't tell him I lost everything he's done the past 30 years over the phone while he's with his family. His wife still has to travel many hours back home with him!  I can't do that to her. 
There's going to be so much yelling and so much blame this week.  This is not going to be a good week. 
I called the IT guy and he came over and said my hard drive was fried.  He asked about my back ups and looked and found they were useless cuz I did it wrong. Gah!  He took the CPU/hard drive to his place and used some machine and he called to say he got it up and running long enough to back up everything he could get, so I'm assuming he got most of the information, at least the important information I failed to back up.  So that's good.  Didn't totally lose everything.  Still feel stupid tho. 
I was only worried about Quickbooks and the documents, but he backed up Outlook and other things and I then I freaked out cuz when I did back ups I never thought about backing up Outlook!  I feel so stupid!  Why haven't we joined the cloud like everyone else?!  The first time I'm going to do if I get that information back is back it up correctly!
Speaking of joining this century..... I still had Windows XP which isn't supported anymore so we have to upgrade to Windows 7.  But everything we have, software wise, isn't compatible with 7, so we have to upgrade ALL our software.  So a new CPU, a new hard drive, new operating system to upgrade to 7, new software programs, and hopefully transferring all our old info into the new software doesn't destroy everything.  A pain in the butt for me and like two grand for the boss! 
And I need a computer before he gets back in two days!  He freaks out leaving the office, in his exagerated mindframe "I'll be gone for a week!"  It's four days he's gone.  He freaks out and comes in at like 5am the next day after he returns home.  He bellyaches all day long at how busy he is and can't take phone calls or new clients and yadda yadda and by 11am all his work is done and he has nothing to do and I find him reading the newspaper or something. 
But if he came back and finds my computer is toast and I can't type or use a computer in any way to assist him that day, before he even knows what he needs to do, he'll totally jump the gun and prolly have a stroke.  I swear my goal as an employee is to attempt to keep the boss alive and not let him get stressed enough to have a stroke or heart attack.  Mainly so I can keep an income, but still.... But this is not helping!
So how do I start that conversation when I get ahold of him on his vacation?  "Remember a month or two ago when came in and said my computer still runs XP and I need to upgrade to 7?  And you said yeah yeah whatever, I'll call the IT guy and you never did?  And I said if I didn't upgrade or do something with the computer soon it might just die one day?  And you mumbled something like 'yeah yeah yeah' again. And then I said "Okay, this is just me covering my butt so you can't yell at me when the computer dies." And you nodded nonchantly and went back to reading your paper or something?  You remember that?"
So it was panic time for an hour or two this morning wondering if the IT guy can get anything off my fried hard drive.  I think he got it tho.  I think we are good.  We just have to spend lots of money to upgrade and get a whole new computer basically.  Its more of a pain in the butt for me cuz I have to adjust to the new software and operating system.  More mone to get software for an old program 7 doesn't really work with anymore.  Who does WordPerfect anymore?  Might as well learn Word again if it feels like a total wipeout and redo. 
I just have to call the boss and tell him his computer died and ask for money, like only two grand, so I can attempt to get a new system/computer up and running before he gets back into town.....
Piece of cake.

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1273 - YSA Trip (38)
July 31, Aug 1-2, 2014 YSA Trip to Huntsville/Pineview
Dear Journal,
I think I did that no-no thing where you either aren't very careful for what you pray for and/or you make some type of promise to God and God seems to have this sense of humor that replies, "Oh yeah?  You think so?  Well, let's just test that promise out shall we?" 
I think it was my last entry when I was talking about me being on earth for a different purpose than the normal get married and have children, grandchildren, etc.  And the whole death talk always gets me thinking about the fact the only things I have in this life are possessions and financial gain.  I dont have the normal relationships that others may have other than family, not like my own family relationship, ya know?  Anyways.... Then I started to think about how much I rely on those possessions, my car, my phone, my keys, my TV, my house, etc.  And I think of the anxiety of losing it all or even some of it and think about how petty those thoughts/things are in the grand perspective of things.  I can't take any of those possessions with me in the afterlife.  Only the relationships and knowledge I have gained here on Earth. 
So somehow I came to this conclusion that as long as I had a temple recommend, something eternal, some hope of eternal placement, that He could take any or all of my possessions away and I would remain faithful and rely on Him cuz those things dont mean much in the afterlife. 
Boy, was I asking for it....
"If we wanted to place blame on someone for all the problems we have in our life and be able to kick them in the pants, we wouldn't be able to sit down for days." 
So Friday, Aug 1, when I was up in Huntsville with the YSA ward hanging out a cabin and playing in the Pineview Res and I was attempting to go down a very shallow river, God decided to huck my phone into the river. 
Some of us went to the Pineview Res and did the boating activities while some of us wanted to try out floating the river.  We had two groups and needed someone to bring a phone in each group to call for a ride back home once we got out of the river.  I didnt know someone else planned on bringing their phone so I put mine in two plastic sandwhich bags and put it in my pocket.
Unfortunately for me mostly, the river was really shallow.  Lots of slimy rocks you can't keep balance on but your but slides over them none the less.  Where we got in was a lot faster than it looked and I fell in. The first time I fell in and I lost everything in my pockets.  Then I was playing catch up with my tube and simply ended up flopping down a swallow river being scrapped up the rocks.  I finally caught up to my tube and found a spot that wasn't so fast in the river and climbed out.  Scraps on my knees from being dragged, panic arising in my chest from losing my phone, panic of the river taking my control away from me, and relief I got my tube and got out.  All overwhelming.  And totally sucked.
I was done after that.  Done for the day.  Done with activities.  Just done. 
Three others continued down the river after a very short and hopeless search for my phone and two of us girls that had the most trouble in the fast, shallow river went back to the cabin.  Lara eventually went down to the beach/res and played on the boat.  But I didnt feel like it.  I had stubbed my toe a couple weeks ago at the reunion and it was so swollen and sore and sliding around in that river on those rocks I stubbed that toe again and it throbbed.  So I took a shower to get the icky from the river off me, grabbed some ice and iced my toe and knees and eventually fell asleep.  Surprisingly I fell asleep with my mind going a million miles thinking about my phone and what I was going to do. 
I felt much better after the nap tho.  I had a plan in my head.  I wasn't freaking out.  I really wasn't freaking out for some reason.  This is the first time I lost a phone.  I mean seriously I have never lost or broken a phone since 2006 when Dad gave me my first phone.  I take super good care of my ohones, enough they can last for 3 years like my last phone did. And I took it very well when I lost this one and was very calm about it somehow.  
I borrowed a phone and called my dad and I said on a whim that if someone found it they'd prolly call him or mom and to be on the look out for numbers they dont recognize.  I told them I'd call them back later to see if they heard anything.  I said I'd give it the weekend for someone to find and then I'll have to activate my old phone and consider stealing Dads upgrade opportunity in Sept, knowing all this would cost me an arm and a leg. I have no insurance or warranty on the phone. 
I seroiusly had no hope someone would find it.  That river was too fast.  It doesn't look it, but it was.  I didn't even call my parents back that night to check.  I was trying to convince myself to call them before I left the cabin the next day.  It was just convienent, curiousity and boredom that I did call that Sat around 10:30am just after packing up to go and getting ready to go to the Ogden Temple Open House that I called. 
And sure enough Dad said someone called and found it.  Mom gave me the info of what campground they were at, said they were packing up to leave that morning, and a phone number.  I called the phone number on someone elses phone and left a message. Then someone had the idea of calling the campground site/ranger and came up with the phone number so I took his phone and called and they said the group that found my phone was still at the campsite.  woohoo! So I raced up the canyon to the campground to get my phone about 11am!  Found out it was a girls camp that had found my phone.  Juss happened to look and see, prolly saw the pink or white and picked it up.
And amazingly!  The two plastic bags kept my phone dry and it was still working!  The girls group was amazed too.  "Hey, it still works."   ohmygoodness.
Many many miracles and a lesson learned of one night without a cell phone.  Someone finding it period was a miracle, second of all it still worked with my pathetic plan of 'waterproofing' it, and then me and them still being around that same day so I could come get it from them.  All miracles. 
Needless to say, I can't really say I had fun on the ward trip.  If I wasn't panicked and stressed about my phone with no one who really cared, I was bored.  Simply bored.  For a cabin with activities and like 50-60 young singles, there was nothing to do.  They did volleyball and tetherball, which I dont do.  They had some type of bean bags you throw into a hole game that I played a couple of times, a couple of times by myself.  They had nintendo, Wii, and Guitar Hero games to play upstairs but that was usually occupied by the group of boys that made upstairs their home.  They had a massage chair I sat in most of the time and watched the boys play.  They had a TV almost as big as the wall downstairs which no one used, until I got bored enough I put a movie in and watched.  They had a hot tub which was only used at dark and everyone used it, esp after the long day boating and stuff.  I totally lost my appetite when I lost my phone so I wasn't even eating to get rid of boredom.  I found myself playing solitare on my old phone and wishing I had my book on my pink phone to read.  I just started it on that trip on Thurs night when I got there cuz I was bored on night one, and Fri night I didnt have my phone or anything to entertain me. Boo. 
I was tired from lack of sleep.  Those kids dont go to bed until midnight, some stayed up til 2, and others stayed up til like 5am.  I was tired from the panick and stress I felt.  I was sore and hurt with my knees and toe still stinging and throbbing.  I was bored and didn't want to eat anything for like a day and a half.  And I didnt want to hear the less than sincere apologies for me losing my phone. There was like 50-60 singles there in that cabin and every single one of them had a phone and I'm sure not one really thought about how they would feel if they lost it down a river. (I wanted to take one of the many phones on the counter and hide it and see someone elses misery, mwhaha! But I didn't) As if I didn't feel stupid enough. I was drained and just wanted to go home.  The only reason I stayed was cuz I wanted to see the Ogden Temple and that was the very last activity on this ward trip.  So I stuck around. 
But then I got my phone back AND I got to go to the temple!  Couldn't get better than that!
The temple was amazing and beautiful, amazingly beautiful.  A much better design than the old temple they had.  I wonder if they will rethink the Provo temple now which was built similar.  We went to Farr's ice cream afterward.  How can you not go to Farr's after the temple in Ogden? My phone wouldn't stop ringing and texting of everyone trying to get ahold of me.  But I got it quiet enough to go through the temple. I scarfed down huckleberry and raspberry cheesecake ice cream with a cone.  It was my lunch.  I missed lunch at the cabin cuz I was getting my phone up the canyon.  I made it back just in time to head to the temple.
Then I carried on using my phone.  I can't look at my phone now every once in awhile and think "amazing" or "crazy"  its crazy that I still have you.  And its crazy that no one tried to contact me until today when I had it back.  Its all just insane.  A miracle,a bunch of miracles actually. 
I went up to Mindys in Brigham and talked her ear off and ate her food. Then I went down to Gmas and got my dog and ended up talking to Gma and Claine for hours as Claine browsed through houses he's interested in seeing/buying.  Apparently Claine can stay in the state for another year so he thinks that warrants buying a house. 
I finally got my dog and myself back home around 10:30pm that night and crashed.
All is well again. 
And I prolly brought it all on myself too. 

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We Built Mountains (57)
I don’t want to look back. I’d rather have a gold-framed painting of those mountains on a wall in the back of my mind next to the old photographs and composition books. All the history, it’s history now. I want new memories, new feelings, new ways for you to look at me and for me to suffer through my stumbling awkwardness that brings all of this (I move my hands motioning to my body) to a screeching halt and leaves me standing in Can’t Say What I Want To Say City, population me. 
But we’ve got the rest of our lives for that. 
 
I’m 26. 
 
-Chris 

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Cleanse (52)
I took an acid bath. I washed the skin from my bones and got down to the core, what really matters most. I don’t talk about this, I don’t talk about that, I just talk about fantasy, sometimes. Sometimes I wish my dreams lasted longer and I didn’t have to get up. It’s not helpful, it’s not healthy, it’s normal, at least I think. It’s hard to be strong, on the inside. I’m like a cardboard box trying to be a chair; it’s not what I’m made for. But I can begin again, I can be recycled. I’ll be given a new job, a new purpose, a new chance. 

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sixteen. (58)
it's been a weird few months. my uncle passed away on friday. he practically raised me. I should have been there. but I wasn't. 
 
I'm moving back to Las Vegas this January. I can't take the rain anymore. I can't take this unending bullshit with my stepdad's family up here. I'm tired of being too far away to be there for the people I care about. 
 
This means giving up the Haunt. Giving up my ducklings. Giving up some friends. I'm going to have to start over. And it's fucking terrifying. But I think I can do it. I need a change. 
 
Nostalgia keeps kicking me in the ass. I'll listen to music on the trains and think of a tiny girl drifting cars in the Chicago streets. Funny how that happens.

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Untitled (48)
So I have this path laid out in front of me. A life of an ascetic. No sex. No drinking. No smoking. For this year. Will be strictly music at every chance I get. Practice practice practice. Tomorrow Im setting up a schedule. And moving things along.
 
Other news. Im begining to think that my dad and sister arent taking me very seriously. at all. I wish she was hear to slap some sense into the home atmosphere or be the center. Whatever. 

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Getting Old (50)
I'm turning 26 next month. How old are you now?
I read back on all that we've written and I don't think any of it is silly. I think we were and are pretty emotional and smart.
 
I'm impressed by us. I'll remain impressed. 
 
Hope you're well. Miss you.
 
-Amanda

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[1824] Acceptance (81)
Most of my entries lately have been private because instead of introspective I just feel self-absorbed.
 
Brian moves in Saturday. 2 days. Weird. I've been so busy getting ready for it I haven't had a moment to really think of how it will change things. First of all.. I'm going to have to start wearing pants on a regular basis. and a bra. meh. Other than that I don't see it being a problem. I'm looking forward to it. We're going up Friday to help him move and stopping by my grandparents house for dinner. I haven't seen grandpa in a long time. Jaspar moved his stuff down to the place he's staying last weekend and we hung out with him after. I guess Brian, Jerry and Jaspar were talking to some guy at work and he was asking Brian if he thought it would be weird living with a couple.. I guess the guy asked something that implied that chicks were high maintenance or always wanted to have their privacy or Idk stuff like that. Jaspar said Jerry immediately said "no way. Jeni isn't like that." and then jaspar agreed. Its nice to have friends that stand up for me and not cut me down behind my back. They've all been really cool to me. Things are going to change a lot now that they're moving here. Actually have people to talk to. Even if it is just joking around. I miss being around friends.
 
This last year and a half has been so crazy. Everything is constantly changing. For better or worse but never ending.  There have actually been a lot of positive things happening lately. A lot to be thankful for. One imparticular. But instead of being excited and hopeful I feel mostly like.. that feeling you get when you're falling backwards.
 
I know that feeling is only because about a month ago I realized something I tried to block out. It was shoved right in my face and there was nothing to do but deal with it. It was intense. You think of these things and they sound like fairytales and horror stories and you don't think to prepare yourself because you live in the real world. That's actually how it usually is for me.. I never consider that I will ever be put into any sort of situation ever and then I'm there and I'm like.. oh crap.. if only I prepared for this. I had tried justifying it this whole time and believed myself. Blamed myself. And then I realized I was just lying to myself. Because i didn't want it to be true. But it is true. And even though it happened over 6 years ago.. I've been having to deal with it for the first time. I don't like thinking about it but that's all I've been able to do since the beginning of this month. All sorts of things came up. The last few weeks it comes in and out of my head at random times. causing chaos like a bull in a china shop. Luckily I've been so busy most of this week I haven't had much time to think of anything but getting stuff ready for Brian to move in. But the first second I sit to rest there it is again. And it sucks.. thinking that that is a part of my history. And I can't change it. And I just have to accept it. I had a particularly rough time thinking about it recently. Then last night I was trying to stay busy and organizing and packing some boxes.. I put How I met your mother on in the background because I've seen every episode a million times and didn't want to get distracted from what I was doing. And in one episode they were talking and something came up and (I'm being vague on purpose) and it triggered the thoughts. But then they said something.. and it made me reevaulate things.. it didn't change what had happened but it changed a part of what made it so terrible. A big part. Not the situation but some of my feelings about it. Because of something else that had happened a couple years before this thing happened. And it doesn't make it okay but it makes it a little less idk. Its a gray area but I'm making an executive decision to lean towards the positive side. So that I can happily accept that part of the past even if I can't accept the other. Yeah.. all that because of some conversation on a silly sitcom. I can't explain without saying everything and I don't feel like getting into it. I used to write about everything on here. From what I had for lunch to the most personal things I would never think to tell people in real life. Nothing was too personal. I guess lately some things are. Being vague is good enough for now.
 
I've been having to accept a lot of things lately. This months theme seems to be accepting things you can't control. Some things have been harder than others. I don't understand how its so easy for some people. Probably because they're robots or somethinggggg.
 
 
 
 

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Untitled (53)
So I created a sound cloud and posted like 7 beats. And you know what? Mother fuckers are liking what im putting out. Which is just crazy to me. But still the feeling is like hard to explain. It feels good. 

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1272 (44)
A TV/internet salesman showed up at my door.  He said he was in the neighborhood and got my "neighbor" a better deal on internet/cable and wanted to see if he could help me "while he was in the neighborhood".  
I told him I didn't have cable.  He nodded and mentioned something about the younger folks are more into the internet.  I told him I didn't have the internet either. This implies I dont do social media or play video games constantly.  Implies I dont have an entertainment console for said video games or internet.  Lots of implications. He blinked at me, confused.  I'm sure in his head, "Who doesn't have internet these days?  How can the younger crowd live without the internet?  At least cable tv?! Something?!"  But out loud he only said slowly, as if not to offend me, "So you must read books and stuff."  
Yeah actually, I read books.  I watch movies.  I use the library.  Ever heard of that?  They let you borrow books AND movies.  And sometimes I dont even do those two.  Sometimes I paint and create things. Sometimes I cook or clean.  I dont spend my life in dark rooms playing video games or watching Netflix for hours and hours.  I know.  I'm weird.  I must be boring.
Although, I have got caught up in the Bacherlorette TV show.  Last night was the finale, 3 freakin hours, and she even chose the wrong guy.  Well, I'm not sure anymore.  Anyway, whats the point of living vicariously through someone elses dating life if they chose the wrong guy?
She was done with Nick cuz she claimed he overanalyzed things way too much.  Indeed, he did more than a girl does and after the show he definitely proved that theory right, so maybe he wasn't the right one in the end. But I was voting for Chris anyway.  So either way she chose the wrong guy! 
Josh is the one she picked and I find it frustrating because he was literally in her backyard the whole time, before the show.   She didn't need to get on the show to find him.  Getting on the show suggests she is open to new things, new people, but no, she picked the guy from her hometown, the guy that is her usual 'type' (that hadn't worked out in the past obviously cuz shes on the show), and the outward happy goofy guy.  You can bet behind close doors he isn't as happy and goofy and when he has a bad day, he HAS a BAD day.  And even if he is constantly happy and goofy like he is on the show, you will never get a serious convo with that man!  Juss saying. 
Needless to say I spent about three hours yelling at the TV last night.
At the end of the show they posted all of Andi's frowny faces she made on the show and brought out the 'constant grumpy' cat that has gotten so famous for its perma-frown.  Aww. It was funny and cute. The now publicly engaged couple (now that the shows over) admitted to sneaking over to each others places (again, same home town) complete with wigs, hats, and giant sunglasses.  Cute and funny. 
Then I ran into the black and white Twilight Zone tv show and watched their acting skills for a moment. It was hilarious.  I haven't laughed that hard in awhile. The beginning of the show total brought me back to Tower of Terror ride in CA Adventures/Disneyland.  I recognize the voice and some of the pictures, they show that part just before putting you in the elevator and it flys up and drops you down. 
Who needs cable when I clearly get enough entertainment from my antenna tv?
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Again, I have the weird feeling that maybe I have a different purpose in this life.
I usually think of this when I randomly start thinking about if I died young.  Usually it stems from someone else dying, a birth, or talking about/seeing a Will.  Since the twins bdays I have wondered if their parents have thought about a Will and what would happen to the twins.  The other two boys they have already have a guardian appointed, their other birth parent, if something should happen. But these two girls don't have anybody.  And you have to look at the facts, their parents are smokers, one is prolly diabetic but wont get diagnosed or treatment and the other is prolly considered overweight and both their insides are prolly going black and dying.  And its not going to get any better from here.  
Then recently we did a probate for a man who holographic Will.  Basically wrote down what he wanted and where it should go.  It was interesting and nice to see specifics of someones requests.
So here I wonder, again, I keep writing about this I think...
Maybe I'm not meant to have the 'normal' life of finding a young man to marry and have children, grow old and have grandchildren.
Maybe I'm not supposed to get married at all.
Maybe I'm supposed to marry an old man geezer, hopefully a rich one.
Maybe I'm supposed to marry a rich millionaire.
Maybe I'm not supposed to have children.
Maybe I'm supposed to marry a blind and/or handicap man.
Maybe I'm supposed to adopt/foster a child, married or single.
Maybe I'm supposed to take care of my nieces or nephews if something happens to their parents.
Maybe I'm supposed to help everyone else financially while being single.
Maybe I'm supposed to help the children (nieces and nephews) financially while being single.
Maybe I'm supposed to travel the world with no attachments.
Maybe I'm supposed to be the hermit old lady with 19 cats.
Maybe I'm supposed to die young in a freak accident and leave my money to my family.
Maybe I'm supposed to contract and die of cancer or some other disease.
Maybe I'm supposed to lose everything in order to learn to be grateful for what I have.
Maybe I'm supposed to die to save someone else. 
Anyways, I feel like I have a different purpose than just the normal life of finding a husband and having children, growing old with all the normal frustrations and joys, financial issues and such of life, and having grandchildren and retiring. 
And of course that is NOT acceptable to my family, esp my mother.  Finding love and having children is a must for her children and there can be no happiness without it.  I dont think she could handle if God told me (or her) that I have a different purpose in life. 
I have no idea whats in store for me.  But I'm not scared or anxious.  I'm just waiting. 
Who knows I could be completely wrong and life a long happy normal life with a husband and children and eventually grandchildren.  I wouldn't say that scenario is my 'dream' in life, but it wouldn't be horrible. I dont know what my idea of a nice/perfect life is.  I guess I'm waiting for God to tell me what He thinks my life should be like, what He knows will make me happy, and then it will become my hope and dream also.

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556 (55)
Apparently, I have this uncanny knack.
I always find the worst people.
And waste my time befriending them.
The worst part?
I'm always the one that gets hurt the most.
She lied to me.
She lied to my best friend.
She lied to the admin of the site I'm on.
She.
Lied.
And to make matters worse, she's lying to other people.
Telling them it was all a misunderstanding.
No.
No, it was not.
You lied.
You stole.
You got caught.
And now I'm paying for it.
This always seems to happen.
I finally fall in love with a place and the people.
Then I get too close to someone who doesn't deserve it.
Guess what happens next?!
It's happened more then once.
I'm just thankful for my best friend.
Despite the ocean between us.
Despite the many miles.
Despite the language barrier.
He understands me.
And I should have listened to him when he told me I should stop.
Dammit, Neon.
I never listen.
I'm sorry.

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1271 (49)
"I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am
I can do it
I can do it
I can do it
 
But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human
I'm only human
I'm only human
Just a little human
I can take so much
 
'Til I've had enough "
 
-Human:  Christina Perri
 

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[1822] Trust (46)
WHAT a freaking day.  It's only 8 am but the last 12 hours have been ridiculous... 
 
The last week or so.. i couldn't find my sewing machine and against my better judgment thought i would just ask her.. it's no big deal. But that's how it always starts right. No but she was being nice and I thought.. texting doesn't suck. And then grandmas brother died and she texted me info about that and also that grandma wanted to give me a brand sewing machine she never opened but had for 10 years silly grandma. But then i found mine. And she asked if she could have one of mine cuz I have 2 but i cant figure out how to work either of them.so I said ok. I like grandmas because it came with an instruction manual. Anyways we texted back and forth asking for stuff like i asked if she was using jefri's corner litter box and the sliding door we gave her and she said no and she asked if we had a laptop charger and some questions about Dropbox and i thought.. i can do this. I'm not going over for family dinners but i can have a relationship like this where we just help each other out when we need to. When i went to pick up the stuff and drop off the sewing machine it was ok. It was awkward because we haven't seen each other for 6 months and only texted and most weren't friendly. But it was good to see her and tell her things. I told myself I wouldn't tell her anything personal but I'm stupid you see.. i dont know what is wrong with me but it's like she has "tell me all your secrets" written on her forehead. Not secrets but just things most people don't know.  Personal things happening right now. And it felt good to tell her because I have no one to talk to about them. Tim yeah but we talk about these things so much were kinda talked out. We just know. Idk. It was all going fine... The whole visit pretty much. A new record probably. That is until the very end when we were walking to the car and tim got in and then my mom asked to talk to me real fast. So we stood in front of the house on the sidewalk and she apologized for something. And idk thinking about it sort of annoys me because in admitting this one thing she pretty much denied another. Idk it's complicated but that's not why it went bad. 
 
I should really stop leaving entries unfinished. Anyways. It went bad because I forget how but jason came up and pretty much everything she said after that made me mad. One I'm particular thing being "I trust them". Great. It's so annoying that she can have so much faith in him STILL when he is a liar and a fake and have so little trust in me.. when i tell her everytbing even when we dont talk for months abd only see her 1 day. I tell her things she has no right to know and things i could easily just not bring up. I dont lie to her. I have but i suck at it and i eventually come clean. Everyone lies but  some people are just habitual liars. Im not. Jason is. And she has trusted him over me since i was a kid. When people like Victoria would stand up for me she'd just tell then  what they wanted to hear but it never changed. Even when i recejtly told her things about him that prove he is and what kind of person he actually is. I don't care about keeping these things to myself anymore since we have absolutely no desire to reconcile with him. She just brushed it off. I I'm not getting into. I just think she's a hypocrite and just plain mean. We didn't fight there though. It left fine because i was angry but i didn't want to just react in anger without figuring out why I was angry first. So we talked the next day.. if you can call it that. She never answers any of my questions or replies to what I say. She only talks ABOUT talking. It's wweird. And its pointless. I don't know why i continue to let myself hope for the best in these situations

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[952] (55)
I think I loved you so hard that I accidentally fell in love with you. 
whoops. 

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555 (65)
I love CC.
I love the people.
I'm having way too much fun at times.
This should be illegal.
Hiki x Masa forever.

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Untitled (48)
Exfactor is sucha great song. It will probably go down as one of the best in history! The whole dichotomy. Ive played both roles. And its just really down to earth . 

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We're homeowners! (61)
Well we officially own a house! Its an amazing feeling to be done with that process. The house is awesome, and I cant wait to live there finally!
 
On the downside. The previous owners were fucking disgusting pigs. They left 9 bags of trash in our garage for almost a week - so the whole house reeked like cabbage and spoiled milk. There were ant traps everywhere, nothing was cleaned up. Its a mess. Its a good thing I enjoy cleaning and have OCD to boot. hahaha. Im just pissed. If that was my house I was selling - I would make sure that the people buying it would walk into a clean home, that smelled good. It kinda ruined the moment for me.
 
He did carry me in the house though. While having a broken toe. What a guy!
 
Drank a bottle of champagne on the porch. Straight from the bottle. HEY NEIGHBORS! We're here to fuck shit up.
 
My kids wrote on a leather chair with a pen. Tried cleaning it up today. Succeeded in wearing down the leather instead. Fuck.
 
 

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