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After moving hosts a while back, apparently a few things got neglected, so I took it upon myself to get stuff working again. As it turns out, it was nothing crazy, but so far I've fixed:

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Recent Posts

[13] A Necessary Evil (2)
Today was decent.
I didn't sleep too too late, which is good, because I hate doing that - sleeping away the day is so annoying and just throws off my entire schedule. So I'm glad I was able to raise myself out of bed.
I finished that really amazing book last night and am 90% sure I'm going to buy the next one in the series...it ended on a cliffhanger, that's how they get you. I should know...I've done it, myself. Bad author, bad.
I actually worked out again this afternoon. TWO days in a row. That means it's becoming a pattern which is good because I NEED it to become a pattern. I need it to be like routine, something that I don't even have time to think about or make excuses for. I HAVE to keep on track.
I also kinda...started a bit of drama in my friend group today, by accident, sorta. Let me explain. We have a friend named Curtis who is always bitching and crying about stupid things that don't matter. Like every other day he comes in chat and says he wants to kill himself - because his computer isn't working or because he woke up late, etc. etc. It's childish, ridiculous, and attention seeking. We've all given him advice millions of times and he ignores it or doesn't listen - did I mention he's 16? Well, I guess he's supposed to be stupid...but I wasn't that stupid/stubborn at his age. I swear...okay, maybe a little! But I had friends who were on my ass about it, so I'm doing him the same courtesy.
I basically told him off about how he was doing and said if you're not going to carry yourself with respect/dignity, you can't expect other people to respect or allow you dignity. I understand more than anyone about depression/etc. I can also spot the real thing. He's a self-indulgent brat who doesn't know how to take direction. And I pointed that out. He tried to bring others into it, and they all sided with me. I knew they would (which is why I tried not to bring them into it) because they had expressed their annoyances with him. At the end, he agreed that he could be better or that he'd try. It was SOMETHING. I guess.
After talking to them on Skype for a few hours I then made dinner. Some beef/broccoli/rice thing. It was pretty good. I was damn near ravanous because of exercising earlier.
The rest of the night is devoted to playing WoW with Anthony. It's gonna be good. :D 

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[12] Keeping On Track (2)
I can't believe I woke up at 1:30 PM today. It was WAY beyond what I wanted to sleep until. I mean, I know it's my own fault for staying up until 5 AM reading a book...but still! And in my defense, it was a really, really good book. I have to finish it tonight. X.x
I at least managed to get a few things done today. Like starting to work out again, for example. I'm tired of being overweight. I mean, I'm not obese hoarder - my strange addicting overweight, but still. I could stand to lose a few pounds for health and aesthetic reasons. So I WILL continue working out daily to improve myself.
The next thing is my eating habits. I need to learn to eat only when I'm hungry and not when I'm bored or upset. It's really hard because food has always been one of my two emotional crutches...and I thought it was the less harmful one. I might have been wrong.
I didn't eat much but Anthony brought home T-Bell - I got MINIMAL food, I swear. I'm going to stick to this diet/exercise and work on myself. I will be fit before AGDQ if it's the last thing I do.
Lastly, I spent a few hours talking to some good friends (Panda, Doctor, and Dark) in Skype. It was really nice. I'm happy it's becoming an every-other-day thing rather than the once-a-week thing like we planned.

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[11] Mind Games (2)
I don't know how to start these most of the time...so I'll just jump right into things.
So I have a friend named Linus who I'm relatively close to, hell, very close to. I see him as someone who is "mine" to protect and just be there for and whatever. I don't know what he sees me as, or rather, what he thinks of me as, but that's what I think of when I see him. I love him. He's someone I'll always be there for - whether I like it or not.
That being said, he really annoyed me today. He's a streamer and as a streamer who wants to make a living off of it, his first thought/concern should be the quality of his stream. Myself and the other mods keep telling him that. Instead, what does he do? He's been giving lackluster streams the last three days because he's dealing with some "stuff" in life and is too sad. Bullshit. I know that the stuff he's talking about is girl drama.
I don't know how many times myself and his other mods need to tell him - FORGET ABOUT THE FUCKING GIRLS. First of all, he's too young to worry about finding a serious relationship. Secondly, he's not straight. We know he's not straight and I'm fairly certain he knows he isn't straight (judging by the comments and way he speaks to me) so I don't understand why he feels the need to put up a facade. It seems like he wants to find a girl to date him so he can sleep with her and pretend he's straight - and that's not healthy for him or for the girl.
He's a wonderful guy. I know most people don't get to see it because he likes to hide himself away and put up this front of being a pervy nerd, but he actually has a good heart and is really kind. I hate seeing him self-destruct. I want him to be strong like I know he is. Like I know he CAN be.
He just needs to realize it and own it. And stop trying to be somebody he's not. Because it's transparent and it just makes us all tired.
/end rant.
In other news, I spent the day tidying up the house and I even got in some WoW time. I finished a lot of pet/garrison stuff. Woot! :D 

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[10] Simple And Clean (4)
I know I'm technically posting this entry on the 6th, but it's the entry for the 5th. So shhh. Anyway, today was pretty damn simple/easy. I wish every day was like it, to be honest.
I got a decent amount done today. I managed to do all the dishes, do some tidying up around the house, and organize a few things in the kitchen. I also actually managed to stream today - Hearthstone, so that was fun.
I played WoW for a while - did some Garrison stuff. Ugh, there's so much to do. I guess Blizzard succeeded in that regard. I just wish there was more content in the world instead of just in the Garrison. But whatever.
For dinner I went vegetarian - black bean burgers and pasta salad, with oatmeal cookies for dessert. I'm Martha Stewart up in this bitch. :P
Nothing else to say except I'm really anxious to finish my next novel. I just have a burst of inspiration and need to get it out ASAP.
Until next time. 

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[9] My Jagged Little Pill (5)
Today has been filled with hella stress.
I need to figure out how I can do everything I need to do this month and budget accordingly. It sucks when the amount of stuff you have to do is disproportionate to the amount of money you have to spend. It also doesn't help that I don't get my royalties again until the end of the month AND that I haven't been able to get to my temp job. Luckily, I'm going in again on Tuesday. -_-;;
I've been playing WoW a lot to phase out all the bullshit and calm down. It worked for 14 year old me and it still works for 23 year old me. It's a perfect release. When I'm Synaesia the Warlock I don't have to worry about bills, I just have to worry about what transmog I want to wear or what Demon I'm going to summon. It's fucking great. It would be even better if the pet battle masters weren't so damn broken ><
I've been talking to my friends on Dischord for the last couple of hours. That's been great, too.
Now I just need to think about what I'm going to do and how I'm not going to go broke doing it. Wish me luck. 

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[8] Think Lovely Thoughts (9)
I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few days and despite how much I keep thinking back to the past, I think it's best that's where it stays. Thinking back to those times only hurts me because things are so different now than they once were, but also better.
I have new friends. I'm in a better place than I was. And maybe back then wasn't as good as I remember. Nostalgia is a powerful thing. I spent the whole afternoon talking to some really amazing people in a Skype call. They're like my new family and they strengthen me and help me feel special/whole. They help keep me out of the pit of depression I used to live in and I honestly I don't know what I'd do without them. Currently, I'm making dinner (Chicken Stir Fry), watching a friend stream, and then going to play WoW with my fiance after we're done eating. I don't think you can get any closer to heaven than that.
I'm really looking forward to this Monday. Anthony (that's the name that my fiance chooses to go by now) is taking me apple picking. I'm really excited because I haven't been in such a long time and it's something I remember that I really loved at one point.
So yeah - them lovely thoughts are quite nice.

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[7] Low Tide (13)
Today things were really zen.
I got to spend the day alone because the fiance went to school so I just relaxed and watched Once Upon a Time. God, I love that show. So amazing and I will recommend it forever. Go watch it! >.<
The best part of my day was when I got into a Skype call with some of my greatest friends. We haven't had a "meme" call in a while so it was nice to just sit around and bullshit about random things. 4 hours later I was just like...damn, time flies when you're having fun.
Nothing much to say other than I hope EVERY day can be as chill as this one was. 

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[6] Ghosts In My Mind (16)
I started writing on here again because I thought it would be healthy for me, you know, a familiar place to vent and share my thoughts and what not. Very theraputic. I'm starting to second guess that.
I spent most of today delving into my past and just...Idk if I'm feeling depressed or whatever but it's certainly not a happy feeling.
I tracked back all the old RPs I was part of. Not just the SC but the other ones. Most people don't know it, but when I was at odds with a certain member of the SC (I won't mention names) I found an escape to another RP community, a DBZ one. I was a huge fan of DBZ and a huge fan of RP'ing...so of course that went hand in hand.
I don't think anyone from the SC knew or cared, but that's why I came back as a much better writer/rp'er because the people in the DBZ community were very unforgiving and wouldn't let me be anything less than perfect.
But I digress. Anyway. I was looking through the old DBZ community sites and it was actually tragic to see how many sites we went through and how...like, even there the community wasn't perfect and we all got into fights and eventually went our separate ways. We tried to keep things fresh by switching sites (from '05 until like '09) but it just wasn't enough. The community couldn't stay together after things became MORE than just the RP but became personal.
And that's when it hit me - that exact same thing happened to the SC. When we got personal, we all fell apart. And maybe it wasn't an isolated thing. Maybe when you get personal you need to work twice as hard to stay together.
It made me sad because it sucks that two communities I was part of just fell apart. People who I was really close to I don't even talk to anymore. And it's sad. Like I requested a few people on Facebook and I doubt they'll accept/want to talk. But I had to try, you know? I mean I had to see if the experiences/memories we shared still meant as much to them as they did to me. It would be wonderful to just spend a couple hours reminiscing about the good times and forget about the bad. But sometimes that's easier said than done.
My life from ages 12 to 17 was friggen annoying, difficult, and just unpleasant. And I wouldn't have made it or became as strong of a person as I am without those two communities being there to help shape and direct me. And I hope that I had some kind of impact on people from them, too. Maybe one day we'll communicate and it'll be awesome. Or maybe some things are just destined to say in the past and the nostalgia keeps you alive. 

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[5] Small, Nagging, Voices (8)
Today was pretty uneventful, not going to lie.
My body like refused to get out of bed so I needed to force myself up and into a nice, hot shower. It was refreshing and very thought-inducing - typical hot shower behavior.
The title is appropriate because the "voices" were nagging at me again. Before I sound completely insane and the men in white come for me, "voices" is something that authors use to describe when a character is talking to us. So in this case, I was frustrated because I decided to take a year off writing and I had a book come out in June because a character wouldn't stop speaking to me and now I was trying to do not-writing stuff and ANOTHER character started talking to me so guess what? I started writing another novel >.<
Son. Of. A. BITCH. >.<
Oh well, I'll churn it out like nobody's business and hopefully finish soon enough to continue the other things I have planned for this month. I feel like October is going to be intense - I have three friend's birthdays, my God-Daughter's birthday, some other stuff, plus one of the best holidays. So yeah. October - COME AT ME. 

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[4] Chill Day Is Chill (10)
Today was a really chill day, hence the title.
I didn't go to work today because the BF and I overslept and there was practically no way of him getting me to work and himself to school on time, so I took an abrupt day off (which isn't a problem because I freelance and my boss is super chill) so I spent the day with my poison of choice...World of Warcraft.
I didn't just do that. I also got some writing done (or attempted to) while watching cheesy reality TV. I've been addicted to this show, Beyond Scared Straight and I get really emotional watching/listening to some of the storys. I'm a glutton for punishment I guess.
One of my friends pissed me off. It was something stupid - I seriously need to learn to brush things off. Whenever I get mad over something small I need to remind myself that it's the anxiety causing control issues and I need to breathe and get over it.
Hopefully it's something I'll learn in time. 

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[3] Can I Even Keep Up? (15)
I haven't been on here in a while (I know, recurring theme, right?) but I check in every now and then. I don't know why. Maybe it's nostolgia? Maybe it's because I like to occasionally check on the diarys of old friends to see how they're doing because I can't stop thinking/wondering about them - even after all the time that has passed because they were in my life at a crucial time. I donno, but it's a thing.
I read all my old entries and it's actually quite scary at how much I've changed. Like truly. I feel the same yet I'm not at the same time.
I don't get it, maybe I never will. But it's been ten years since the start of this diary and so much has happened in my life.
I'm a published author of three full length novels and over seven short stories. I know if you were to read some of my older entries you wouldn't have guessed writing would have been the path I took in life, but there it is. I'm actually taking a hiatus from writing to pursue another passion - entertainment and cooking. I love cooking and I love putting on a show for people. I want to somehow integrate both of those things into my future, while still occasionally writing because it's an amazing outlet and it's something I love to do, too.
I'm still in a relationship with a wonderful guy and that's not going to change. We've been together for almost six years and it's been up and down but never has it not been wonderful. I'm so thankful that he entered my life and helped strengthen me as a person. He got me at my worst time - when my anxiety was at its peak and he fought through it and made me work to be better. Now I deal with it better - but I'm not perfect. Nobody is, so it doesn't bother me that much.
I've made lots of new friends and I hope to keep them in my life. With every person who enters (and leaves) my life, I learn more about myself and about how to deal with people. And that's important.
As a sidenote, as I said before, I still think about the SC every now and then. I wonder how everyone's doing and if they've changed as much as I have. I wonder if we'll ever have our own version of a "highschool reunion" or something. That'd be interesting - assuming we all didn't kill each other. Heh.
I'm seriously going to try to update this frequently. More frequently. Maybe even daily. Writing is theraputic and maybe writing down my thoughts constantly will help me to get my anxiety under even more control. Who knows. <3

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1321 (22)
I went to Saras 7th bday party on Sat the 26th of Sept.
We went to the Museum of Curiosity.  Never been.  Kinda cool. Expensive.
Sara had her friends and all and didn't really care if I was there or not, so I mostly went for Arthur.
He makes me laugh.
There's an interactive jungle/animal part with a weight scale to see if you weigh like a jaguar or hippo. 
Arthur stepped on the scale at the instance of his son and I announced, "Whoa, now there's a hippo." 
Arthur gave his not amused smirk and discretly flipped me off in the middle of a childrens museum. 
I laughed so hard.  Totally made my day.  
His humor is so much more....effective, blunt, or at least different than anyone else I hang out with. 
Even just the look on his face was awesome. 
I think he is a little sensitive about his weight so I prolly deserved that. 
Sara turns 7 this week.
Arthur turned 30 this month.
Claine, I can't remember anymore, upper 30's.
And my Maylee turned 3 this month. 
The neighbors in 636 are attempting to sell their house and move away.  Thank goodness!
They are two brothers attempting to be responsible enough to maintain a mortgage and home.  HA!
Clearly, its not working. 
Them and their like 5 vehicles in a small condo area need to leave. 
They want a garage, obviously, which they need.  It would be nice if they could take their oil stains with them... 
They totally trashed the place, inside and out, I have no idea who would want to buy that from them... esp at the price they are asking.
Besides the fact its in the middle with a smoker on one side and the only lady with loud small children that have no where to play. 
But I got a call from a title company needing information.
I have done my civic duty in giving info in order to let new buyers come in. 
I will do whatever I need to has HOA Pres to help new owners move in.  Seriously. 

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1320 (15)
In recent news:
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
(That's right, I'm a Mormon.  Don't be a hater.)
Three apostles pass away within 4 months.
I'm telling ya.  Something is going down.  
They know something we don't know.
Well, they know a lot we don't know.... but!
When a flock of birds suddenly fly out of the tree above you, it makes you wonder what spooked them.
What did they see or hear that you didn't... 
Richard G. Scott - Sept 22, 2015 at age 86
L. Tom Perry - May 30, 2015 at age 92 
Boyd K. Packer - July 3, 2015 at age 90
So now we have three replacements to come.
I wonder if they will all be established by conference here in two weeks. 
That would be fast. 
Uchtdorf and Bednar were put in in 2004, replacing Haight and Maxwell who died within 10 days of each other in July.
A two man vacany last happened in 2004, but this is now a three man vacancy and that hasn't happened since the 70's?  Maybe. 
So much for the rhyme/song I learned in the 90's to remember the Twelve.
Hinckley, Monson, Faust and Packer, Perry, Haight, Maxwell, Nelson, Oaks, Ballard, Wirthlin, Scott, Hales, Holland, Eyring.  
Let's see who is still alive.... 
Hinckley  (2008), Monson, Faust  (2007)and Packer (2015), Perry  (2015), Haight (2004),  Maxwell (2004), Nelson, Oaks, Ballard, Wirthlin (2008), Scott (2015), Hales, Holland, Eyring.  
The others that came since that song:  Uchtdorf, Bednar, Cook, Christofferson, Andersen
I'm telling ya, Uchtdorf just threw off that whole song rhythm anyway... 
These are my peeps, man! They all jumping ship vastly in the last decade. 
Hinckley was the man!  He was my prophet.  He inspired the temples. 
No offense to Monson.  He's great too, in his own way.
But frankly, its usually the prophet who's there when you are a teen that seems to imprint on your heart. 
"Its a lifelong committment, and no one gets out alive." 
In two days it will be six months since my dog died.
It doesn't feel like 6 months. It feels like forever ago. 
It felt like forever ago like a few weeks or a month after he died.
I still think something is wrong with me when it comes to greiving. 

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[967] ghost town (44)
when your friends just drop shit that leaves you lowkey devastated highkey protective
shit just come here just let me love you just let me save you
i know that's not how this works

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balance (10)
this is what i'm in search of. i'm not home. my thoughts are everywhere. there is no order. i want to be in peace by my leg won't stop shaking and i can feel the fatigue. i just want to rest. as soon as i close my eyes the thoughts pile up and i don't remember my name.
what's my name?
this is what happens when you put things off. this is what happens when you're not ready. you're ready. no, this is what happens when you don't speak up. i don't know. 
i keep going back. i either go back or i find another vice. i'm going from person to person. if i can't have either i stop eating. 
control is what i'm after. change of perception is what i need. i'm not where i want to be. 
everytime i change my state I'm amazed at how screwed up my habits are. i can't believe this is me. i feel a whole lot of pain, shame, and guilt. 
all of this, wow, no one knows. there isn't a living soul that is aware of how dysfunctional i am. no one. i'm so afraid. what have i done. but no, get ready to smile. i am the rock. i am stable. i am organized. i am happy. i am confident. i am relaxed. i have a plan. i have a vision. my life matters. i have a purpose. 
fake it until you make it.

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I've Never Met an Ellen I Didn't Like (28)

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Untitled (20)
when you see it and it just hits you sometimes
i don't know. sometimes i see things that remind me how to be a person. i don't always feel like a person.

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Untitled (47)
see the thing is about you is that you always get my hopes up
and i know better than to believe right off the bat and that's not your fault except that it is because there are always those brief, shining moments wherein everything is possible and you'll be here and i'll feel like a whole goddamn person again and then of course it's not that easy because nothing is ever that easy
and i'll do it again and again and again and again anyways

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apparently. it is easier. than i thought. (40)
apparently. being. a slut. is far easier. than or then? i imagined.
i dont know what i expected. with so many years. and. terribly. horrible. experiences behind me.
i should know better? i shouldve understood? it explains a lot though.
i was always too blinded before. to see. or feel. their intentions.
i was usually too high. too drunk. too awake. and. too sick. to notice.
until it was ALWAYS too late. by then they had gone. and taken pieces of my dark heart with them.
but. even then. among the loneliness i failed to notice. that they just wanted my sex. and. my attention.
and. now. some secret upon the other secrets of my heart. locked in the dark dusty cabinets of my mind.
i never imagined BEING. FEELING. two men. so close together. and now my changed heart. is. TROUBLED.

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fish (20)
i dreamt about a goldfish. i was in the kitchen, looking over the pile of dishes on the table. my mother was standing on the other side of the table. she was talking and i don't remember what she was saying. i look over to my right and on a wooden cutting board i see a llive goldfish that was the size of my hand. i pick a bowl out of the pile and wash it and fill it with water. i put the goldfish in but it's not submersed. i try a few more bowls but none of them are big enough for the fish. i finally spot one and i see my mother had been using it and i tell her to help me save the fish. i grab the bowl, wash it, fill it with water and turn over to look for the fish. at this point the fish has completely dried up into a roll. i cry. i woke up crying, actually crying. i couldn't stop crying.
my nails are long again.
i need to make an appointment soon. i need to be enrolled in the class first. i need movement, change. what am i looking for? goals. i haven't even had time to enjoy the "fruits of my labor" and i'm already planning out for the next goal. i need to stay busy. i don't like wasting time. is this a waste? i'm feeling better. i'm talking. the words exist outside of me. i can come back to this and it will still exist. someone can find this, read this. the power of writing. what a privilege. i'm not being sarcastic at all. two languages. that's incredible. 
i was laughing so hard i cried. my eyes are not what they used to be.

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1319 (59)
I feel old!  I'm only 27 years old!
My hometeachers sat on my couch the other day and asked if I owned my home.  One just got off a mission and living at home and the other is living at home until he goes on a mission. 
I sat in an Institute class last night where everyone on the roll was born in 1990's and talked about getting college credit for religion classes.   It's been so long since college and needing/wanting credits...
On Facebook someone posted a picture of a certain high school and said "30 years ago today, 5 strangers met here for detention, Saturday March 24, 1984"  ----  And if you know what that means, even by just looking at the high school, that means your old.   It's referring to the Breakfast Club movie!  
I feel old when I watch Bonanza every Tues after work at the gym and I like it! The custodian at the gym keeps telling me I'm too young to know what Bonanza is.  Sadly, I am not.  
Maybe the whole 'looking younger than I am' thing might help relieve this problem.  But it certainly isn't helping in the dating department. 
Us single ladies are at the point we are getting dating advice from siblings with 3-4 children already.  No offense, but the dating advice is slightly mute when you were married and had your first kid by 21-22.  You don't know what dating is like nowadays and we don't have much in common at this point. 
I feel old when we do lip syncing contests in the YSA and everyone is doing boy bands like N'sync and Backstreet Boys. 
I feel old when someone shows a picture of this goofy strange animal and I immediately know his name as Alf.  I enjoyed shows like Growing Pains, M*A*S*H, Roseanne, Saved by the Bell, Seinfeld, and Taxi!  And in the 90's when these kids were just born, I loved ER, Everybody Loves Raymond, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (man oh man if you saw how Will dressed back then...), Friends, Full House, Golden Girls, Home Improvement, The King of Queens, That 70's Show, Power Rangers, Gumby.
And then the movies of course, the ones you haven't seen in forever and are classics (to you) and you watch them again like Sixteen Candles, Teen Witch, Dirty Dancing, The Three Amigos, Back to the Future, Top Gun, Footloose, Indiana Jones, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Ghostbusters, ET, Problem Child and of course Goonies!  The younger kids probably have heard of these, but they didn't grow up watching these!  And when I say 'younger kids', I mean kids still in their early 20's, not too far from me. 
I remember being scared to death watching Jumanji and Jaws and now comparing the animation to the 20th century, it was clearly fake, almost pitifully so, but I didn't know that when I was little!  
I feel old when I remember I used to play Skip It, Aggravation, yo-yo, hacky sack, pogs and slammers, marble game, I loved Lite-Brite and Polly Pocket!, Cabbage Patch dolls, Etch-A-Sketch, Army men, Mr. Potato Head, I remember a whole city of Hot Wheels and even a case for the cars, Tonka Trucks, Fisher Price Cash Register and Roller Skates!, poppers, corn poppers, ring toss, moon shoes, sticky hands, letters and number blocks, troll dolls, Play-Doh, Fisherprice chatter telephone, I remember the record player!, I loved Hungry Hungry Hippos!, Mad Libs, Pick Up Sticks and Perfection, Silly Putty, Slinky, anyone remember the View-Master?, Nintendo, Gameboy, Furbys were creepy.
I remember tamagotchi, the little electronic thing you can have a pet and take care of it, they have similar games on the smart phones...., Stretch Armstrong, cap guns were all the rage, Mouse Trap and Operation, Clue and Chutes and Ladders, Chinese Checkers, Barrel of Monkeys, Trouble and Twister,  I can't remember the name of it -- the little plastic bead like things in different colors you make a picture out of it, following a pattern, and then you can melt it together by ironing it.... (I guess they call them Perler beads now) I loved that, could do that for hours.  Come to think of it I could manage to play by myself for a long time!
And its crazy to see the next generation playing with some of these toys we used to have and to see some of these come back like Legos and Smurfs! Blast from the past. 

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1318 (29)
"Dating is like Jumanji
Nobody wants to play
But you can't stop until the game is over."
Jumanji: a game for those who wish to find / a way to leave their world behind.
You roll the dice to move your token, doubles get another turn, and the first one to reach the end wins.
 Adventurers beware: do not start until you intend to finish.
The exciting consequences of the game / will vanish only when a player has reached Jumanji and called out its name.
"If plan A doesn't work out,
The alphabet still has 25 more letters
Stay cool."

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twenty-two. (63)
seans surgery is today. 
9 years old and he's having open heart surgery. 
I'm stressed and I'm tired. I'm ready for this to be over. 

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[964] i belive in a thing called love (109)
and then you tell me you're coming and it's like i can exhale again it's like i can breathe again it's like i know the best part of me is coming home and my god nothing has ever felt as good as this feels nothing will ever feel as good at this feels. 

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1317 (57)
I just want to ignore the world
curl up in bed and watch TV
and pretend I don't have any responsibilities
And the married folks think us single folks have it made
The grass is always greener on the other side

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july (37)
as usual i put myself in harm's way. boy how i love to play games. i've come to my senses. i can barely type with these nails. would you believe they're my natural nails? anyone that knew me as a child wouldn't bet on it. i'm so tired. i'm really kind, i feel like a tool. what i'd love to do is drop everything and move far away. i would love to not be anything to anyone and just start over. i would love to not be involved. detached. i'm too nice. damn. i juswt want to live for me. hahaha i owe the people around me so much. 
it was so nice during that time. all i did was run and i had one other close friend. that was it. i was so involved with my own things. i want that for me. i want that again.
i don't even know what to write anymore. it's been two weeks.
i think it was around 2 or 3am. this is an awful day. this day is awful for more than one reason.

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chimeran (116)
I'm sitting here, and I can't help but wish my life were the beginnings of some manifesto. I feel so strongly that the world is lost, and I don't think anybody disputes that. But we are so far beyond change. Society is like one great big jack-ass, and anybody that tries to pull it towards anything unifyingly beautiful is just making the problems worse. I've been watching "Sam Crow" alone while I avoid life, and I can't help but feel more alive when I do. I'm sure some writer somewhere would feel ultimately flattered by that concept. I wish I had the words to change the world. I wish that life was really all about family and bortherhood and those irrevocable ideals of justice based on personal good. But I know those are the words of war.
Maybe thats what we need. It's hard to think about but maybe the only time we humans are fulfilled is when we are fighting for our life. And there isn't much about the average life thats worth fighting for. I mean it, tell me you'd shank a bitch over your netflix habits. Maybe the entire idea of a unified society is only possible if we numb out everything that makes feeling human something valuable. And maybe the entire concept of value is a protagonist for violence, the idea that not everyone can have it is why its worth anything at all.
There's always a lot of maybe, but if any of that resonates with people than the idea of socialism is shit. And any other society is just about who's willing to take the biggest risks. 
In personal news I've been feeling supremely down lately. I finished summerfest and have painted very little since. If it weren't for other peoples financial support I wouldn't have even broke even. As is I'm still not so sure if I did. I'm not sure if it's such a stretch from being a starving artist.
Summerfest was more or less what kept me going. It kept me grounded when all the other shit in my life was up in the air. Now that it's over I don't have much ground at all. I still can't say I trust Caity, and I know thats not her fault. I know she's trying hard. Our relationship has stabilized and now is back to just us two. It's nice, but it feels hollow. I don't think either of us feels any urgency to be in the others life and it's a constant struggle to act like newlyweds when we clearly are not. Reinforcing the bounds of an old relationship after it was so radically stretched is not easy work, especially without the chemical motivation that newlyweds have.
I noticed yesterday that neither of us has made any commitments that last longer than the end of the year. It rubs me the wrong way because I don't know where I'll be living in a month and a half. I worry that Caity secretly is sticking to the deal we talked about in January. At the end of our lease the gig's up. I suppose I don't blame her, I'm not exactly a functional human being these days; today I woke up after 13 hours in bed and didn't even have a reason to get up.
At the end of everything I've said, I suppose it comes to this: I wish I could live every breath in a single identity. I wish I could just be one person, one version of myself, and serve my own disire constantly. And I wish that person could still be good for those around me, and be attractive, and beautiful, and moving. But alas, Identity is always mutlifaceted. 

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How can you crave a drug you've never tried? (79)
I lie awake nights thinking of an injection directly to my spine that numbs my pain and creates euphoric oblivion.

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[963] (136)
See the thing is that I think I'm kind of a big dumb gay for you which was fine when you were straight but now you've decided that you're Not and that's a problem. 
Because im pretty sure I'm in love with you, you see. So this is problematic now. Because now, theoretically, you're within reach, and this was so much easier when I just Knew that you Were Not. 

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1315 (126)
The date
with the kid that didn't technically ask me out even though his religious leader asked me out FOR him
(and yes, he does take credit for 'asking me out', I checked)
He's 22, lives with his parents, his whole family actually, 3 bedroom townhome, works part time as a janitor, no education beyond high school (I didnt think to ask if he graduated HS, oh dear), picked me up in his mothers car, drove mothers car like a grandma, a sci-fi guy, knowns all the geek language, owns like 2-3 consoles, plays video games all day long, doesn't like to spend money and makes it painfully obvious on a first date as he attempts to skip taking me to dinner and/or trying to get me to do fast food like Arctic Circle, (I saw this money issue with Evan and I escaped that mind frame, I'm free! I'm not going back!), he didn't make any decisions on the date whatsoever.  (I told him the theatre and when, we agreed mutually on the movie. I let him waste some gas as he wandered around looking for food before I got tired and told him to pull over at a particular restaurant and watched his 'money alarm' go off and giggled.  I only made him spend $30 altogether, if you split that he only spent $15 on me.  That's not too bad, esp if yer trying to make good first impressions!  Might as well bring out the coupons like Evan does on a first date...)
He called me a "sugar momma" like two minutes after I got into the car, we hadn't left the parking lot, he says this based off my job/career, so he obviously only sees dollar signs when it comes to me...  He hinted at me being old several times juss cuz I'm like 5 years older than him... kind of a know-it-all, but he is young, just off the mission a year, he's one of those that can't have any silences therefore he makes awkward random comments to fill the silence (boy, we love those kind)...
Let's see, what else?
Well, on the bright side it looks like he's the better choice than his brother that is like 18 months older than him with no job, living at home, attempting to get his GED, no mission, no car, etc. 
I do have to say he was pretty good at reading people, or at least trying, not a lot of anti-social ppl can read others and their emotions. He could go from making bad jokes to being somewhat serious and sincere with the conversation as I steered it that way.  
It wasn't too bad.  
But we have nothing in common.
And I will not be anyones sugar momma. 
The End. 
Did I mention I'm too old for this crap?
P.S. I went to the dentist today and I have no cavities this time!  Yay for me!  Hey, every 6 months without a cavity is a win for me so shut up. It saves me money. 
P.P.S.  My period this month has made me so freaking ornery, much more than usual.  I wonder if its cuz I'm always around lactating women, or going home to visit every freaking weekend for more than a month now, or maybe the 100+ degree heat has boiled my anger.  I'm surprised how nice I was on this date....
P.P.P.S.  I still miss my dog. I keep thinking about him. 

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[962] (82)
dear anonymous person who left a comment on my last entry,
i have no idea if you'll come back and read this, i have no idea. i don't know anything about your life, i don't know who you are or where you're from or literally anything at all i guess but you know. thank you. for saying something. 
i hope you're okay. i hope you keep the bad people out and i hope you have people in your life who deserve to be there. i hope someone loves you. 
i'm feeling less lonely too. thanks for reminding me that the internet isn't always shouting into the void; sometims the void shouts back and there's a really great thing that happens, a really great moment. for a minute, me and you were connected by the thin gold wire of life and i think there's something really beautiful about that.
even as i'm sitting here in my old t-shirt and work pants and there's just this lingering
i don't know
sometimes i'm grateful. thanks for reminding me. 

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leaving (68)
i left. yes. big surprise. to be honest, it was a really big surprise to all of my family. they were all so worried. i could no longer ignore the signs. there are red flags and then there are meteors. the sky and the ground were full of them. i mean, it was obscene. what the fuck was i doing?
this is what i've understood:
in order to stay distracted and accompanied, taken care of, and all that i endured all of the bullshit. 
when we played he was at times too aggressive, i'm so glad i never backed down and at many times outsmarted the jackass.
as soon as i was free from work or school he was organizing to meet up. if i even thought about making plans with my friends or family he would get upset. i was such a fool. he was trying to isolate me. he did.
during any given moment, plans had already been made the hour before, day before, week, month, year... i was always "late" on giving my "2 cents". 
he always kicked the dog in the rib cage, even if i protested... he grabbed the kitten by the head and threw him. 
he wanted me to move in. he wanted to keep an eye on me at all times.
he would surprise me at work if i didn't text him back.
he went to run the track just to see if he could catch me there, to make sure my friend indeed was female.
he wanted to keep me sedated. numb.
he showed up at 4:30am in front of my parent's house, because the last message i had sent him was at 11ish, even after i had told him i was at my friend's house. he said "time isn't relevant to me when it comes to us" some creepy bull.
he won't stop calling me, texting me. i don't sleep in my room because i feel like i'm being watched. i carry a baton and pepper spray just in case.  
i hope he reads this. all of these entries. this is fucking insane.
the first meal i made myself after having broken up with him, i cried. the first shower i took i cried. the first time i laid in my own bed after that day, i cried myself to sleep.
you don't understand, i'm free. if you think i'm going back to you. you are so mistaken. the things you said, the things you suggested. egocentric, self-centered, selfish little chicken shit. if being me means i can't achieve that glory you've been drooling over, so be it. i could care less. i'm at peace, i can sleep. the last year had been hell. you were awful. so very awful. you used me. i wanted company but you, you wanted clay. you wanted a punching bag. you wanted an escape goat. you wanted me for yourself, another creature you've caught with your brutish hands. go fuck yourself.
wow there's so much more. so much more. so much rage.

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1314 - Baby Nicholas June 2015 (64)
Nicholas Clyde Talamante
born June 29, 2015 at 4:53pm
7lbs 12 oz, 21 inches long
7 hour labor, like 30 second delivery, one push
Almost immediately after he came out he was hungry, searching
He latched on and ate with no problem
He's got big lips and looks a lot like Sara did when she came out
The last of the Talamante clan I think

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[961] i'll be over here (81)
i get it
your life is the worst life that has ever happened to a human being and you have Real Problems and you need Real Therapy and you are irrevocably traumatized and nothing will ever be the same. and it is terrible. it is horrific that this has happened to you and you are well within your rights to want to exorcise those demons.
but can we just
talk about me for a minute
we spend so much time talking about you because there's so much to talk about and i get it but my god my god my god i need someone to see me sometimes i need someone to see my stupid problems and my bad moods and my fucking idiot feelings and i need them to be acknowledged. i don't need you to solve them. i don't need you to tell me that this is a stupid thing to stress over. 
yeah. i know. i wasn't asking. i just need you to let me lean on you for a minute. i need you to carry me for a minute. 
"look on the bright side, at least you're not me with my terrible awful shitty life!!"
why would that make me feel better
but thank you for that. thanks for minimizing my shit. thanks for making me feel shitty for even trying to bring it up and i'm trying to tell you that i feel like i'm drowning every single night and unlike you i don't have a good reason to feel like this. i don't have an excuse to fall back on. i have shit all. 
and i still feel like this and i really sometimes just need you to fucking listen to me for a minute just listen JUST LISTEN
i don't know. 
i'm tired of listening to people complain about thins that they're bad at when they're a hundred times better at it then i ever will be. so what the fuck do you think of me then. what am i then. 
shit. i feel like shit sometimes.
just listen to me please.

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[96o] this is what it feels like (76)
i'm just very sad and very lonely some nights
and frustrated and sweaty and gross and incapable of acting like an adult and sad about things that haven't happened and things that won't happen and percieved slights and real slights and just everything
i'm just very
all the time
and i don't know how long i'm supposed to let that slide before it becomes a problem because it doesn't seem like a problem until it's 11 at night and i'm crying for some god forfuckingsaken reason that i don't understand
i don't know
i ate pudding for supper but it wasn't very satisfying. 
i wish i'd gone to the movies
i wish i didn't have to work tomorrow or the next day or ever again
i don't understand how i can feel lonely when all i ever do is talk to people 
and they're my friends and i know that they're my friends and i know they love me and i still just
i don't know
sometimes i forget how to connect with people and sometimes it feels like they don't really want to connect with me which is selfish and stupid and thought distortion and i can't stop it i can't make it go away
i don't know
i never know. i don't think i've ever known a single thing in my entire life.

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1313 (71)
Another shot at the whole dating life. 
We had the stake activity yesterday.  A big deal.  Lots of people. Estimated like 800 YSA.
Anyways I went last year, it was fun, decided to go again this year.
I'm assuming this kid had a goal to ask a girl out by the end of the night.  Either that or someone told him to. 
Of course, as they wrap up the evening he is finally seriously looking. 
Okay, he seemed more desparate then actively looking for someone he liked to ask out.
I also assume he was circling the water stations for that same reason....
I happened to go get water at the end of the night. 
He said like two awkward things to me as I got water.  
Apparently I lingered too long and didn't just get water and walk away.
But then he walked away.   Didn't think much of it. 
One of the leaders came around to fill the water coolers or dump it out as the night was over. 
He was very personable.  Very friendly and chatty. 
He causally mentioned that I should basically walk with him to where he was working. 
I didn't think much of it and followed him a few feet away and there was this kid.
Then it became apparent this kid went to talk this leader, and they were buddies, and to told him he was thinking about asking me out.
The kid said nothing, okay he made one comment, about me, to this leader, as if I weren't there.  No eye contact.
Obviously the kid liked me (somehow this was indicated by his lack of interest in me) and disturbingly it was this leader that chatted me up like a boy should when getting to know someone and/or ask them out. He asked about me, my name, my ward, what I did for a living, etc. He even compliemented me.  Very distracting and somewhat flattering.... cept it should have come from this kid and not a married man. 
The leader then proceeded to be blunt with his words of "So would you be interested in going on a hike with my buddy Jason here to say.... Ensign Peak." *(he was clearly making this up on the fly) Jason obviously had no idea what he was talking about.  I like Ensign, haven't been this year, and I do actually want to go.  This leader was so dang comfortable to talk to I didn't hide my excitement for the place. 
And then the slightly sinking feeling knowing this leader just asked me out FOR this kid Jason. Really?
It wasn't just awkwardness.  (and somehow this leader seemed to extinguish awkwardness quickly.)
But still, the principle was there....or maybe it was missing. 
It was very disturbing how normal the leader made this all sound. 
The kid specifically went to a leader to seek help in asking out a girl!  Problem #1.
Problem #2.  The leader actually did it FOR him!
I can't really tell which one is worse at this point...
My roommate mentioned the term "grow a pair".  I should've used that line.
But instead I, talking to the leader the whole time b/c the boy never made eye contact with me or talked to me, answered by saying "I'd consider if he would ask me himself." 
Ya know, like with words, generally in my direction and possibly eye contact?
I shouldn't have lingered at the water station.  I should have grabbed a drink and high tailed it.  Maybe dating is like the jungle, the predators take so long to pick a prey they finally get desparate by the end of the night and have to pick from the only ones left: the slow, ugly and fat ones.  
I'm somewhat glad the leader made up a date for us though.  Sadly.  Because I know if I said yes to a date with just the kid he would ask me where I want to go and/or not make a decision, or worst, make a really bad decision.
Then the leader proclaimed he did his job and left us.   He made a point to specifically tell the kid to get my number.  And I understand, sadly, he had to mention that for a reason. 
I don't recall the boy actually asking me out directly.
This kid obviously does not make decisions.  
He has lost a lot of points in less than an hour.
I wonder how long our date will last?  How many more points can he lose?
I tried to give him points by assuming he wanted (had a goal to have)  a date by the end of the night, even with some help.  Most guys' thought processes or goals don't get that far... 
Well, I'm at least glad, no matter how the date ends up, I'll be doing something I want to do.  And since he prolly won't make any decisions I can make him do the things I want to do and just be bossy and tell him what to do. 
I wonder how old this kid is.
I swear, if its not their parents that get in the way or are more interesting, its the leaders and their so-called "help".  Speaking of parents, I'm fairly certain he doesn't live with his parents.  That's a plus?  I think being a janitor is his career though... 
My last date I had was with a janitor as a career (same as his dad), in his 30's, living with his parents (didnt even pay rent, paid the cable bill which he was prolly the only one that used), made a decision for the date of cheap food and dancing to which he knew only two steps: back and forth, literally.  For hours. Kill me now.
This what we have become?  Adults who run to another generation for hand holding because we can't do it ourselves?   Now, adult peers running to each other, that would be normal.  Asking advice of either generation would be normal.  Wingmen are normal. Adults setting up adults on dates, blind or not.  That's normal, but shouldn't be. Getting your wingman to ask someone else out for you.  That's not normal.
Okay so, when a guy does something socially unacceptable like that in order to get a date and/or something just as awkward during the date.  Is there any reason why I can't do something stupid and awkward like that too?  Like say, bring a wingwoman with me on said date, having a third wheel?  Calling or texting someone the whole time I'm on date?  Tell him I don't want to go like 30 minutes before he's supposed to show up?  
What?!  If they think its acceptable to do such things, why can't I?  Esp after they did something stupid first!
I don't know how to play these games.  I shouldn't have to play these games. You'd think after like a decade of dating you'd have some of this figured out. 
I'm too old for this shit! 
Men, just grow a pair, ask a girl out, and make a freakin decision! 

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1312 - Baby Maggy June 2015 (75)
Magnolia Eryn was born
June 17, 2015 at 7:58am
9 lbs 2 ounces 21 inches long
Maggie be my 4th niece. 

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1311 (65)
Yesterday I went to the softball game for the first time this season to see the wards play each other. 
I saw a boy sitting by himself at the top of the bleachers so I decided to sit and talk with him.
No one was talking to me from my ward there near the first row of the bleachers, so I wandered up to talk this guy.  He was cute and alone.  And I knew, by experience, sitting alone sometimes is not enjoyable when no one will talk to you.
I started a conversation and found it surprisingly easy to talk to this guy. 
Sometimes guys, if totally shy, make it really hard and awkward to talk to them. 
But this guy was pretty easy going. And did I mention cute?
I learned he grew up in the area, his parents house was like a block away from the game, learned he was a duck hunter from his quacking phone... 
I enjoyed the chatter and it not being so awkward, all like 5 minutes of it.
Then his parents showed up to watch him play.
He literally turned his back on me and talked to his parents the rest of the game until it was his turn to play. 
I mean, I'm assuming those were his parents the way they interacted. It's not like he introduced me or anything or even acknoweledged my presence after that.
So I just want you to know...
I just want the parents to know...
That I tried. 
The reason your son isn't married is because he is too interested in talking to his parents than to notice and/or talk to the cute girl next to him. 
What kind of guy is more interested in talking to his parents than a cute girl??  Seriously.
Okay, maybe I'm jumping the gun on the whole "cute" factor, but still, a member of the opposite sex is engaging in a conversation with you. Based on his reaction that's a rare thing!  Don't let it slip away!  Esp don't let it slip away because of your parents! If nothing else, feel awkward/obligated enough to talk to her simply cuz she's the only one sitting next to you way up there on the bleachers!  Just because I might be ugly or "not your type" (as all the boys' excuses goes) it doesn't mean you can be mean to me and ignore me!
I don't usually have the courage to approach a stranger, purposely sit next to them, and actually try to have a conversation.  
In the world where guys are generally stupid, I just don't do that.  They react strangely (as if I asked them to marry me).  
Case in point.  And I feel like I waste my time. 
I can't stop rolling my eyes. 
Do they seriously wonder why they aren't married? 
A super attractive girl could come sit and try and talk with them and they'd still turn and talk to their parents or their guy friends.  They wouldn't know what "attractive" is if it hit them in the face. 
Is anyone going to see my attractiveness?  In the world of boys, do I even have any?  Is anyone going to talk to me for more than 5 minutes to find out my personality, which just might be my attractiveness?
I stepped out of the house around 9:15pm to go to the softball game. 
The temperature was perfect, the sun was setting, and the smell of cig smoke filled my nose.
I know several people that would complain about that scenario very blatantly.
But, it was the most comfortable feeling I've had in a long time. 
It brought back memories of the Summer of 2006 in WY.  And not entirely bad memories. 
It just made me smile to remember.  Remembering that feeling.  Remember Rich. 
It's weird, but it feels like I grew up with ppl smoking around me all my life, my house, my clothes, etc. and then when I moved out on my own  I didn't have that anymore, so sometimes when I smell it again it reminds me of home.  Cept none of that is true.
I remember people by their laughter and their smells. 
It's comforting.
I finally vacuumed the stairs.  That last of my dogs hair.  
The last of my dog.  
Gone from my house. 

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jardin (86)
i stopped a few days ago, i don't want to think about how long ago. i feel so much. sometimes i feel so great, elated. sometimes i feel so down. everything is always so extreme. i think i might be bipolar? maybe it's a product of my circumstances. whatever this is, it's fucking exhausting. i can think my way out of it, it's really a challenge.
where am i at and what do i want?
i find myself daydreaming about running away.
when i've fled, i imagine i've cut my hair, my nails are white.
i am going to the school of my dreams and am paying it off through some kind of fellowship.
i am neither one or the other.
i can approach either freely, without fear of being judged.
i run and play with people that i respect.
i live in a place of my own and i keep to myself.
i have a cat and a dog, they're pals.
i am light, i float.
i can finally be me, the storm in me has passed.
my work is being read and i have people that can help me improve my skills.
i run through the city, i have no need for a treadmill.
i feel safe, secure, strong enough to speak up.
words come to me, i do not struggle out of fear.
i have let go of the pain, i'm no longer imploding.

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1310 (94)
My new obsession:  Fight Song
"Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me
Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me"
Read more:  Rachel Platten - Fight Song Lyrics | MetroLyrics  

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1309 - Baby Paul June 2015 (84)
Paul Onas was born June 2, 2015 at 2:30am
9lbs and 21 inches
Water Birth
This makes my 6th nephew. 
My 4th niece is coming soon. 
From the one pic I got like 8am this morning he looks a lot like Cole did when he came out and he was a water birth too.  Kind of the old man grumpy face look. 
His fathers middle name is Marion.  I think they are holding the tradition for ....interesting middle names for the boys. 
I think he was named after his grandpa, I think Stuarts real first name is Paul. 
I'm not sure so sure about these names nowadays.... 
Min went with Paul, Loryn went with Gunner (Gunny or Gun for short) and Magnolia (Maggy for short) for her new baby (Dal says "I've got my Gun, now I just need my Mags and I got it all" Get it gun and mag, a mag for the gun.  Yeah, he's a lil' obsessed) 
Natalie chose Mitchell and Felicity... we won't mention the twins,  I dunno.... 
This might be about all my nieces and nephews though. 
Paul is Min's fourth, and I'm sure, the last... Unless told otherwise... Min has 3 boys, 1 girl. 
Dustin had the twin girls with fertility help like 10 years after Scott and Hadden, so I think he's done. 
Dallin is having his second, which I think they were kind of reluctant to have... so I'm not sure they'll want any more... But I think Loryn had a plan in mind...
So Dal is prolly the only chance at any other babies until I start popping out some, which at this time table, might be awhile.  My kids will have no cousins their age.... like at all...
Natalie is on her 4th, 2 girls and 2 boys, and I think she's done after that unless she has accidents...
So if I count her kids, I have 8 boys and 6 girls!   And I'm not even 30 yet and I have all my neices and nephews that I'm gonna have probably... 
And then there's me.  *crickets*
Geez, by the time I have a baby its gonna be all the rage again cuz the family hasn't seen a new baby in so long... they'll get a lot of attention... whether they want it or not....

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Consent (99)
Maaaaaajor trigger warning for rape, sexual assault, and child molestation.
Sex Acts That Were Imposed Upon Me Without Consent The First Time I Experienced Them:
- Kissing
- Dry Humping
- French Kissing/Making Out
- Giving Manual Sex (Handjob)
- Giving Oral Sex (Blowjob)
- Receiving Manual Clitoral Stimulation 
- Receiving Oral Sex
- Receiving Manual Vaginal Penetration
- Receiving Oral Nipple Stimulation
- Receiving Tool-Assisted (Vibrator) Clitoral Stimulation
- Receiving Foreign Objects Into Vagina
- Receiving Anal Penetration By A Penis
- My First Orgasm
Sex Acts I Actively Consented To The First Time I Experienced Them:
- PIV Sex
So case anyone was wondering, that's probably why I enjoy PIV Sex not leading to my orgasm the best out of all the kinds of sex.

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friction (89)
These cells are movI ng so quickly. I don't know where i'm at or who i am anymore. I cannot seem to find myself. 
I am not working.
i am not dealing with all the lovely events.
I'm using stupid means to become numb.

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1308 (100)
Another bout of missing my dog, Max.  It's been two months now since he's been gone.
I attempted to take pictures on our last day together with a film camera. 
I still have a love of film, kids, as cool as digital is nowadays.
But of course, all the pictures in the house were too dark and with a black dog it doesn't work in my favor.
I wish I could post pictures on here.  I'd show you. 
There's a basically black picture, but a white door you can barely see, and in the white space you can see my black blob of a dog.  Well, I can. 
No one else would know what that picture is supposed to be.
But I've seen that scene so many times over the last few years that I know what it is. 
And it breaks my heart that no one else knows what that picture is of. 
No one else knows.  
No one else has these memories or visions of my dog in the house. No one can see it.  Its just me. 
I feel so alone in these feelings. 
Its like your the only one that knows that someone else existed in your life so its up to you to remember them. 
With losing a spouse you know there's another family out there that has memories about this loved one. But there not the same kind as your memories.  In your own home you are the only one that remembers the things they did in the house, where they put the ketchup in the fridge, where they usually sat to watch TV, where they threw their socks, etc. Their parents and siblings don't go around remembering things like that because they haven't lived with them for awhile and not in your house.  Leaving you the only one staring at the kitchen chair remembering when they sat there and laughed their heads off at something they heard or saw that day.  No one else knows that they threw a spoonful of noodles at you that one time and how their laughter rung in your house. No one else knows the look on their face when you returned the favor. And every one of your family members who passes by you thinks you are weird for staring at a chair and/or crying about a simple kitchen chair. 
It becomes an overwhelming feeling of lonelines at times. 
No one else knows that picture is of my dog at the top of the stairs.
No one else knows the look on his face, in his eyes, the anticipation of "are you coming back up or are you leaving me?" wondering if he should follow me.
No one else knows the way his ears are when he seems to ask me this at the top of the stairs. 
No one else knows the way he looks when he's at the bottom of the stairs either looking up at me. In this case he is always thinking about going up the stairs simply cuz I went up, even if I tell him to stay, I'll be right back.
Those are private moments I saw daily in my own house that no one else experienced and I feel sad and alone that no one else knows that part of my dog. 
I know what that picture is of, but maybe a few years down the road I'll forget.  But for now, that picture of blackness is labeled "I know what this is". 
Of course, after losing a dog you see dogs everywhere you go. I saw the neighbors dog recently.  I didn't want to touch him in case I did something weird like hug him to death and start crying. He's not even two years old and as big as my dog was. 
And then I realized what I miss most:
When he stood at the top of the stairs and I crawled up them, an easier angle to sneak in and steal a kiss from his cheek as he looked down at me.  The reason I attempted to take that picture in the first place.
I miss sneaking in kisses to the top of his head.
I miss kissing him. 
I'm sure he doesn't tho.  
But honestly, I do have to say, I am afraid to love again. 
I want another animal, but I don't, because I know they will die in my lifetime.  
But I've heard the first time is always the hardest and it might get easier.
"Grief never ends... but it changes.  
It is a passage, not a place to stay.  
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...
It is the price of love." 

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Rambling nonsense (95)
It's the turnaround of the turnaround that I thought the turnaround was.
Energy increase is irregular, but energy decrease is regular.
"My pizza guy looked like a hotter Wayne from Wayne's World."

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Social normz (112)
Today during a training at work I had a surreal moment.
There were four people in the room, sitting on couches around a small coffee table laden with snacks. It was, basically, a pretty informal setting.
Getting comfortable, I noticed that the best way to sit on the old and awkward couch was with my feet tucked up under me.
Then I realized it's rude to put your shoes on the furniture. So I decided to take them off. 
Then I realized it's probably rude to take your shoes off during a work meeting, even if it's pretty informal as work meetings go.
So I asked if everyone was comfortable with me taking off my shoes.
One person seemed pretty uncomfortable with the idea, and said the same.
I explained my reasoning and she relaxed a little, but probably still didn't want me to take my shoes off. I just said I'd go ahead and not put my feet on the couch. Even though it was less comfortable that way. I didn't say that last part.
Anyway, a few minutes later I noticed she was wearing flip-flops. I could basically see her whole naked feet. Even if I had taken my shoes off, my feet would have been completely covered by my socks.
So clearly foot nudity level wasn't the issue. What was? I certainly don't know. 
tl;dr social conventions make no fucking sense.

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The things that haunt my waking. (139)
I know the answer to a great many questions. Questions that only lead to more questions.
You still love a woman. Still want a woman.
You don't think that means the end of our marriage. But let me explain it to you.
You can't wrap me in your arms with the sensuality I crave. Your love won't comfort me when I am lost, as men get lost sometimes (and need to be found between the legs of another). Making love to you is mechanical, and I am not.
You say you want to be my wife, to be the best wife for me. You want to be monogomous. But even while you say this you clench tightly to a relationship with the very woman who tears us apart.
Your love still outweighs your hatred of Valerie Fuller.
And you lie to me, and probably yourself. But you cling to her gifts as you once did mine. And you quietly (and behind my back) make arrangements to see her. To be near her. To fill that ACHE. The ache of desire is a cup never filled.
And now to the truth that matters:
To be married is for us to serve each other. In this moment you ache for another, and you are still having an affair. Still trying to fill your needs outside of your commitments. Still trying to get as close to what you want as you can. I know where that leads. And if you were to sacrifice those needs and commit only to your marriage, would you truly, could you truly be happy? Would I? I think we both know the answers to these questions. And as much as you don't want to face the truth of it, our marriage ending is mostly your own fault. Your own biological inability to love a man as he deserves to be loved (if there is such a thing as deserving love).
I don't know how to start over. With or without you.
And I don't like that I get to add you to the long list of people who have failed to love me. Perhaps it's just another incarnation of the phrase "we accept the love we think we deserve."
I don't know who I am enough to know how this plays out. I know that I have no obligation to be kind while you are cruel. I know that for now I am more interested in being fair.
This is likely to be a test of forebearance for us both. And I don't know where it goes...

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the last cold step (533)
this will be the last
on the staircase
of your apartment building
arms around knees
chipping salmon-colored walls
leaning on the black
shining railing
i've gotten closer
with this railing
than i ever did
with you
i've familiarized myself
with this cold step
the mornings after
makeup dripping
on my lap and hands
my hair spilling in tangled dreads
my body and soul worn inside out
like dirty socks
from not being able
to say 
i love you
this cold step
it and i
shared our moments

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New Chapter (252)
Life is a trip. been on this work trip for 2 weeks now .. day 16 in a row. 10+ hour days. Its been really nice being up here on this trip though. I feel like after this past trip up to uncle gary's, and now being in grass valley, I have a new state of mind. One free from my depression, anxiety and doubts. I need to let all the negative go and forgive myself for my past. I've almost been thinking that my car accident really messed up my head as a kid. I'm starting to remember things about my childhood that I had long forgoten. Memories that bring me joy but also humble me. Thats what I want to be: Humble. Its a word that I've used a lot without ever really feeling it. There is plenty of work to be done in my life right now. After this trip I am going to go home and re-do our bathroom. Fix the panneling, the shower, the floor, the cieling.  Ive been taking a lot of pride in the work that I have done lately. And pride is something I havent had in a long time. It feels good to be proud. Going to continue with the welding classses and the growing. Gotta get home to build a flower room and build some gardening boxes. ugh so much to do! So very excited about the future!

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1307 (490)
Its been one month and 3 days since my dog died. 
It was the first Saturday this weekend I had to myself at home since he died. 
Maybe it was the weather, the house and the memories, or simply not having anything to do that made me sad. 
I kept thinking "its Saturday and I dont have any plans I should take the dog for a walk." 
and then I remember....
I thought that in the morning, remembering how he bugs me to death until I take him for a walk. 
But there was no nose in my face.  No expectant look.  No jumping around in excitment.  No leash.  No collar clanking.  No dog jumping out the door.  No dog racing ahead of me down the sidewalk. 
There was no reason to go for a walk.
Finally, by like 3:30 I couldn't take the memories and subconcious thoughts of him bugging me until we go for a walk. 
So I 'took the dog for a walk'.
I walked around the block by myself.
I've already started to forget him.
It seems too soon. 
I miss you, Max.

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