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What's New At Sitdiary?
Spring Cleaning Apr 17, 2014

After moving hosts a while back, apparently a few things got neglected, so I took it upon myself to get stuff working again. As it turns out, it was nothing crazy, but so far I've fixed:

  • User Profiles
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  • Buggy stuff behind the scenes

As always, my goal is to bring the back-end code for Sitdiary up to snuff, but for now -- at least stuff works.






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1289 (4)
Okay, I even admit at times I think the things I say about boys and dating are cliche and perhaps over exaggerated. 
But the longer I live the more I realize these cliches are so true and not so exaggerated.  I'm not being all drama, its true!
So the typical things to ask about/avoid are the boys that live at home in their parents basement and play video games all day long with no job or a mediocore job that they seem content with for the rest of their lives and esp if they are 30+ years old, right?
We want an educated guy that is in a professional career by age 30, has priorities and balances his time between work and play nicely. We want a guy that is independent, living on his own who actually owns something valuable like a car or house, not deep in debt leasing such valuable items.  We want a man who loves his mother, but does not live with her.  A man with a backbone, a leader, assertive and productive, knows what he wants and works toward it, a man that progresses! 
So I went to a Halloween dance last night and within the last half hour of the dance a guy asked me dance and asked for my number.  Based on what we talked about during our 'dance', I'm gonna have to say this isn't going to work out, but I believe in giving guys a chance. 
He said he graduated HS in 2001, which is how he asks and answers the whole 'how old are you' question.  Of course, that question comes up a lot and quickly when it comes to me....  But that makes him 31 years old and I thought, technically he's not supposed to be at this dance simply b/c of his age... and then he mentioned that he -used- to live in the area, as in the area of invited ppl to this dance... and then I asked where he lived now and he said he lived with his parents.... "I know I know I should move out by now..."
Things weren't going well from the get go.  We won't even mention the 'circling me like a hawk' scene he created before he got the guts to ask me to dance.  
So I changed gears, 30+ yr old living with parents, we can...we can get past that right? Let's move on to careers!  I asked where he worked.  He said the school district, now I can't see him as a teacher, so I asked what he does there, and he said he's the janitor.  My inquiry stops there, mostly for obvious reasons, but he, the genius he is like most males, decides to continue talking saying something damning along the lines of 'I could be like an assistant janitor and move up the chain, but I dont really want to, its a lot more responsibility.'
Boy, that is so attractive.  A boy with a HS education job as a career and no desire to progress and/or do better.  We won't even get into the fact he has no idea what my career is.  I won't even ask if he went to college. 
Needness to say, I got all the information I needed from that one dance/convo.  But of course, he asked for my number afterwards.  I dont want to be a hypocritical coward like the boys so I said yes.  I'll give him a chance.  A small one. 
Please dont tell me you dont have your license or you dont have a car to pick me up for a date. Please dont actually tell me you are borrowing you parents car if thas the case.  And if you ask me to meet you somewhere, its over.
So there is it kids.  My cliche come to life and I totally did not exaggerate! 
The dance was fun tho.  Camille and I went together.  We new friends now I guess.  We hooked up with Leslie while we were there and had fun.  The costumes were absolutely hiliarious and wonderful.  I was glad I went if just to people watch and see others' costumes. 
The funny part about Camille and I going to together, the last half hour during the I swear the ONE slow song I heard all night (thankfully) we both got asked to dance and they both asked us for our number and the two boys that asked us were both dressed as Jason, but they couldn't wear their masks (rules) so they were both in jumpsuits.  Camille thought I was telling her the guy she was dancing with asked for my number, when in fact it was an entirely different Jason/boy that danced with me and asked for my number.  
The next day he texted and said he wanted to go out with me that night.  I told him the days I wasnt available, which was that day, but he still asked, "What you doing tonight?" Oy vay.  Why do I speak/text if he doesn't hear it?  I was looking forward to a night by myself, the only night I'd have this week to do what I wanted to do at the house, but noooo.  Can't have that, can I?  Have to go out with a janitor. We all know it was the janitor in those murder mysteries! 
He obviously had something in mind to do that night, which is better than picking me up and then asking me what I wanted to do.  I figgered I'd get it over with quickly instead of thinking about it for a few days.  So I said I'd make time, I pushed the time back a few hours cuz I knew I could only last like 3 hours with him.  He continued to text during the day to keep the convo up by asking about my siblings, again. He asked last night, in text the next day, and then the whole night of the date.  He was awfully interested in my siblings. Weird.
We went to a local place I've never heard of Shivers or something where they had a variety at silly prices considering you could make all those items at home basically.  But I got a grilled ham and cheese sandwhich for like $3.19 and water.  I'm stuck on grilled cheese again.  Comfort food.   He got some pizza tortilla thing and fries with a giant drink.  I finished first, amazingly, and decided to stare at my date as he ate instead of the other way around for once. Food was the last thing from my mind.  I kept staring that clock.  
I guess I decided to play shy because I didn't talk much.  I had to consciously tell myself not to do that stupid smile and giggle thing I always do when I dont know what to say/do.  Eventually I consciously had to tell myself to not talk cuz when you are nervous or bored or whatever you say stupid things.  Like he was. I figgered I'd let him spill it all out. I was unimpressed by his broken bones, sports in high school, paper route, things that happened to him forever ago, his siblings' married with children lives and his parents, always his parents, why? because he lives with them.  You talk most about your daily life which invovles his parents eveyr day. I prolly didn't seem like a cute nice friendly approachable smily girl he thought I was. Hopefully.  Finally.  
Just a hint guys.  Don't take a girl somewhere to do something you dont know how to do.  It is unimpressive and boring as hell.  Esp if its dancing!  We did the same steps over and over and over for an hour.  I was going to go mad and strangle him.  Everyone else around us at least switched up the moves every once awhile.  I did the same thing over and over.  I stopped trying after the first redunant cha cha dance.  I just walked the whole dance and avoided his feet so he wouldn't step on my toes, which he did, a lot.  Mostly just standing near me, not actually dancing.  I dont think he understands the personal bubble concept. Always in my face. I kept leaning away from him or scooting away.   
I finally broke around 10pm and hinted to take me home. I did it.  I survived. Literally, the ride in his car both times was scary.  Not that he drove fast and crazy, he was a drifter, always drifting into another lane. He was spending too much time trying to look at me and talk.  I stared at the road as a hint for him to keep his eyes on the road.  
I got home and felt drained. I felt so somber and calm I'd swear we smoked a joint and I mellowed out since my day at work.  I was stressing out at work.  The things I wanted to do that night that I couldnt, the date, and my roommate trying to agrue and justify her way out of receiving her deposit back after everything she destroyed.  I tried to be assertive and protect my things, my carpet I invested in, but she is mean and aggressive and I have a hard time winning those situations. Its an uphill battle, but I will try b/c I dont deserve that treatment. It was making me more and more angry thinking about the things she destoryed and her entitled attitude toward her deposit.  I tried to remain calm.  Cold sweats. Clammy hands. I tried to calm down before the date, took the dog for a walk.  But now at like 10:30pm, as the day ends, I feel nothing.  I feel empty.  I used the last of my energy on this Dan guy and I feel dull now.  But maybe I was calm enough to sleep. 
It wasn't totally uncomfortable with him, he was nice, friendly banter, but it definitely wasn't an attractive kind of thing either.  We talked about the cold.  I said I liked it.  He said he didn't.  He said "I dont have a stitch of fat on me.  I'm always cold."   Gee, thanks, as the fat girl sits next to you. He was short and skinny.  Too skinny.  His face could be like a skeleton, bones poking out everywhere.  *shudder*
Its not like I totally used him for a free meal.  Even a janitor can afford $11 for dinner right?  $3 being my meal? He just bought a new 2013 Honda Civic tho.  Those are expensive and easily stolen. I can't afford one nor have one in my neighborhood.  But of course at age 31 he finally bought a new car he'll spend forever paying off.  What does he do with his money before?  How can you work your life away and still not own anything at age 31?  Evan bought a car last year too, the only thing he really owns, but is still paying off.  I dunno. Maybe too quick to judge.  
Epic and subtle line of the night you'd expect a high schooler to say, "I help my parents out by paying the cable bill and everything."  He also admitted to attempting to Facebook stalk me.  Great, juss great.  See why I dont have Facebook?

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Jack Bruce - OCT, 25, 2014

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twenty. (9)
after four days of laying in bed begrudgingly due to a "severe" cold, I'm finally feeling okay enough to roll out from under the blankets 
also, can I just say that tylenol cold & flu ain't got SHIT on Nyquil. 
Nyquil fo' life. 
And I guess Dayquil. 
I'm supposed to be throwing a party tonight but eh. 

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1287 (18)
"If you find it’s me you're missing, if you’re hoping I’ll return.
To your thoughts I’ll soon be list’ning, and in the road I’ll stop and turn.
Then the wind will set me racing as my journey nears its end.
And the path I’ll be retracing when I’m homeward bound again.
Bind me not to the pasture, chain me not to the plow.
Set me free to find my calling and I’ll return to you somehow. "
-Homeward Bound:  Marta Keen
An Invitation:
"Rise up, follow me,
Come away, is the call,
With the love in your heart
As the only song;
There is no such beauty
As where you belong;
Rise up, follow me,
I will lead you home."
-The Road Home: Stephen Paulus
Goin' home, goin' home, I'm a goin' home;
Quiet-like, some still day, I'm jes' goin' home.
It's not far, jes' close by,
Through an open door;
Work all done, care laid by,
Goin' to fear no more.
Mother's there 'spectin' me,
Father's waitin' too;
Lots o' folks gather'd there,
All the friends I knew,
All the friends I knew.
Home, I'm goin' home!
-Goin' Home : Antonin Dvorak

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1286 (13)
I'm stressing.  Again.  Of course.
This never seems to end.  But its not making me any skinner like stress used to do.  Grr.
If I'm not freaking out about not having money because I wont have a roommate the next two months during the holidays then I'm freaking out about the money and/or the fact my car hasn't passed inspection yet and if I'm not stressing about my car and money then I'm stressing about the financial and emotional impact of my dog dying, or worse, not that he's dying, but that he's alive and in pain. 
Notice each stress has a financial issue attached to it.  I can't juss think about the emotional consequences of a decision, that's not enough stress obviously, there has to be financial consequences attached to it somehow. 
Last night was a bad night.  A sleepless one for both me and Max. 
Lately Max doesn't sleep so sound.  For being mostly deaf, he doesn't knock out on the floor dead asleep, nothing to disturb him like he used to.  He gets up every few hours and drinks and drinks....  He lays on the floor again for another hour or two a few moans and groans every now and then when he stretches.  He is obviously not sleeping, at least not very well if I hear him moan and groan every few hours and/or gets up and drinks.  Usually it was only once a night he got up to drink, but last night was three times.  I guess its time to admit he is drinking more than usual, but I think its more out of pain/boredom than anything else... 
When he moaned and groaned on the floor because his ear hurt I couldn't stand it for more than one night.  I took him to the doc the next day.  Because I knew there was a solution to an ear infection.  But this moan and groan is probably pain in his bones and I'm not sure there's much else I can do for him.  I think maybe its the weather changing.  Its getting colder.  It hurts bones more when it gets colder.  And maybe its supposed to rain this week, sometimes my bones act up when it rains or is about to.  I am amazed how fast this has declined since I took him to the doctor the first time this summer.  He seemed to be going along fine cept for his 'stress breathing' and then I took him to the doc and got on pills and like two months later he seems a whole lot worse than when he was not on pills.  I can't help but wonder and make excuses for his behaviors and calling them temporary. 
I juss called the doc office and they said this is the highest dose of non-steriod anti-inflammatory meds Max is allowed to be at, after this medication does not work anymore, you have to go to a straight steriod.  Apparently, none of this has to do with the pain killer medication.   
Which that answers my question.  If this medication stops working for him it is my decision not to take him to the straight steriod and just end his pain.  But if this Rimadyl has already stopped working for him, my only evidence being is he isn't sleeping during the night, prolly not during the day either but I have no proof of that, then I think its time.  
I keep asking God what to do but maybe its just a big fat package of denial falling on my head.  Maybe its time and I'm running and I'm running and I'm screaming no no no.  He's already told me.  Its all denial and pure selfishness.  I want him.  I want to keep him.   He's mine.  Not yet.  Dont make me give him to you. Not now.  Not before the holidays. Don't leave me alone. Not now. 
You have no idea how many times I've laid in bed and cried and mourned over a dog that isn't dead yet.  I can't do this much longer.  My thoughts take me into deep dark holes.  It eats me inside and out and I can't tell which would be worse, the pain of keeping him alive or the pain of knowing I'm the one who decided to end his life.  This seems like a forgiveness situation on either end. 
I am buying another 30 pills of each medication today as if the medication is still working for him.  I just bought him a bag of dog food yesterday.  I feel like he has to go at least another month.  I'd prefer another two months.  But frankly, I have to take this one day at a time, one night at a time.  Its a race to see who breaks first, the one who is in pain who might actually cry, or the one who can't stand to hear or see the pain.  Max never really cries out in pain, cept at the docs office, and when he does he comes home and has nightmares about it and cries in his sleep.  I'm not sure his physical, daily pain is going to reach that point that he'd cry either in sleep or not, but do I want to see if it will get to that point or not?
One day at a time.
One night at a time.
Who will break first?
Not yet. Not now.  Don't leave me alone in that house.
A horrible part of me thinks about how much of a burden it will lift off of me if/when he passed away.  I'm sure I'm not the only horrible being who has thought this about a loved one.  I'm sure some feel that way with an aging parent or a disabled child.  We are only human.  But it still feels horrible to think.  I'm sure God wouldn't think that way.  We are so far from perfect. 
I know I know.  "Its just a dog."  As some would say. "Just go get another one."  I read somewhere that is the worst thing you can say to a greiving pet owner. 
Its easy for most people to say this.  I picture my family members saying this to me.  I know most ppl think it at least, if they aren't dumb/brave enough to say it outloud. 
I just want to say:  Its easy for you to say that.  You have someone to come home to.  There's someone at home that is actually excited to see you.  You have someone that cares if you come home or not.  You are needed at home. 
Nobody will care if I go home or not after work. Nobody will even notice if I didn't come home at night, or even for a few days.  No one expects me at the door at a certain time.  No one is excited to see me.  No one needs me.  I have nothing but an empty dark house to return to at night in the winter.  There's a point that I dont even want to go home anymore cuz it just reminds me of a time when there was someone there, someone that cared, someone that needed me.  Now there's nothing. 
Its like a bad breakup.  You think of all the things that will end, all the things you'll miss. 
I'm going to open the door and forget there is no one to greet me. 
I'll see his red bed there on the floor and picture his sleeping body curled up in it and remember he'll never sleep there again, might as well shove it away in a closet so as not to be reminded. 
I'll see water and food and remember there is no one to eat it or drink it anymore, might as well put it away.
I'll see the dog food on the floor, almost a full bag, remembering the hopes I had for him to finish it, and shove it in a closet. 
I'll see the patches of dog hair on the carpet think to myself I need to vaccum knowing that the hair will never return like it had so many times before. 
I see all his brushes and shampoos and dog treats and swiftly shove them all in a box in the closet. 
I'll walk past the door and remember there is no reason to open it and that it might be slightly ridiculous to say "potty" after opening the door.  No more sneak peeks at the neighbors and what they do at different times of night. 
I'll sit and watch TV and look at the clock and suddenly remember its time for the dogs medicine he's prolly been waiting for all day long and then I'll remember that he is gone and doesn't need the medication anymore. 
I'll see his red blanket in my bedroom on the floor covered in his hair and remember his sleeping position on it and wonder how or if I'll ever be able to get his hair out of the blanket completely to use for something else.  I wonder if I could stand to see it used for something else.
I'll see the food and water I put in my bedroom for him and promptly dump it down the drain and shove the food away in the closet. 
I'll see the edge of my bed covered in black dog hair and remember the movements the dog made that would wake me up.  The way he leaned into the bed as he lowered himself to the ground at the bottom of my bed. The way he'd put his chin on my bed to get my attention and wake me up.  The way he nudged my hand or elbow with his nose.  The way he put his head in my hand.
I'll see his leash and dog bags and realize I'll never see the outside world, the neighborhood anymore cuz I'll never have any reason or desire to go on a walk without him.  I'll never just be outside in the condominium so I can catch and talk to others who happened to be out and about.  I'll never enjoy the weather like I had. I'll never see him excited to go on a walk ever again. 
I'll see my roller blades and remember the times we had together when he pulled me down the streets of downtown when he was younger. 
I'll get in my car and look in the back seat and see all the white and black hairs he left that seem permanent no matter how many times I vaccum, they are still there, and I'll realize he'll never get in my car again and prolly realize the last time he was in my car he was dead.
I got it all planned out it seems.  It runs over and over and over in my head.  I thought if I wrote it down like this it'd go away.  This isn't even all the scenarios I have in my head about how he can pass away by himself, stress thoughts.  We all know he isn't going to go on his own.  I'm going to have to decide, there is only one scenario, I can stop thinking of the others.  I can't turn my brain off.  I can't stop wondering if he is at home in pain, not being able to sleep again while I'm at work.  I cant stop wondering what he is thinking or feeling in the middle of the night when I hear him groan.  I cant concentrate on anything else. I cant stop wondering what will help him, if anything.  I cant stop the feeling of guilt that bombards me as if I did something wrong on purpose.  I can't stop crying, I can't stop praying. 
Like a bad break up.  The feeling of no purpose in life but to work.  I'll go to work and come home to a dark house in the winter and crawl in bed and never leave it until its time to work again.  And so on and so forth. The crying feels like it will never end, and when it does there will be nothing else there, nothingness.  Empty. Maybe a shower here and there, the possible urge to eat something in the middle of the night, sitting in the dark staring at the wall wide awake at 4am, no desire or effort to go to YSA, maybe to church on Sundays.
When Evan left me this last spring he said, "As long as you have your car and your dog, you'll be fine." 
During the week Evan asked how things were going. At the time I did not have my car, it was being repaired in order to pass inspection, and my dog is on the downhill.  I was not fine. 
I know I can survive a bad breakup, so I know I will survive a death of a loved one. 
I just dont know if I can survive deeming a time and place for that loved ones death, having it be my decision, living with that forever.  I dont know if I can continue life knowing he's in pain and not knowing how much pain.  I dont know if I can stand to hear his moans and groans and possible cries in the night.  I can't do this God.  I can't.  I can't continue to grieve for my dog that isn't gone yet.  I can't cry myself to sleep every night til he is gone and then cry myself to sleep every night afterwards because he is gone.  I dont have the strength, the hope, to continue on. You know I can't deal with the pain of animals or children.  You made me extra sensitive to these things.  You know that.  You put me in these day and time because you knew I wouldn't make it in the time periods where you relied on animals for everything, food, transportation, money, etc. 
Geez, I keep thinking to myself, Its just a dog, you are being so dramatic about it. 
He's my baby.  My kid.  My source of worry.  My little financial investment.  My source of purpose in life.  Someone that needs me.  He is a constant part of my life.  He is there, every day.  He has a schedule, a routine for me to follow.  He trusts me, almost to a fault.  He loves me no matter what, and I him. He is loyal to me and I to him. He drives me nuts at times and make me so happy at other times.  He and I have moments.  Those moments that make you smile and think "He's so cute and he's mine forever."  He's all I have.  Just like your kid you cannot just replace him.  You cannot just casually make the decision to end his life and pretend you didn't make the decision and pretend you didn't wonder how much pain he really was in. Just like a child he doesn't understand why you would do this to him.  His eager eyes confused and afraid.  He still thinks he is young, that he has a lot of life to live still.  He doesn't want to leave me. I dont want him to go either.
I need a drink.  And lots and lots of distractions.
I wish for one moment of clarity, a moment that I will just know.

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Untitled (36)
I feel like my heart is being carved out of my chest
ive been in this holding pattern for so long and I have to leave I have to leave I have to leave but I'm so fucking scared like always like always

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Here comes the Wah-mbulance again. (26)
Everyone's favorite, media princess, Anita Sarkeesian got her "Preach to the choir about how men are the salt of the Earth" session interrupted by a death threat.  This seems pretty par for the course for her as she claims to get these daily, but low and behold only actually produce them when it's extremely convenient to her, such as when she's raising money to do a project or when said project is losing it's grasp on common folk and she needs to ripple the water to get back into the main stream.  No death threat should be taken lightly.  It seems though that when people want to kill public figures... they just do it and not make it known to the world that it's going to happen.  I'm sure Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't at his favorite diner before shooting JFK, bragging about how he had plans to kill the president that day.  The Columbine shooters weren't talking about it before doing it that I recall.  That Sandy Hook shooter didn't leave a blog post up before shooting kids.  The threat involved was similar in nature to that guy from CA that went off and killed a bunch of people.  Who makes manifestos anymore?  This guy saw what the shooter in LA did.  Copied his favorite bits to make it seem threatening enough, and sent it in to keep Anita from showing up.  I doubt he had murderous intent. But here comes Anti-Gamers using this to further the idea that all gamers are sad, virgin, neckbeard, sociopaths.  No.  NO! Bad internets! BAD!  You do not go making assumptions based on singular people, who, might I add, never even mentions Gamergate in his little poem. Because when WE try to pull that on Feminists.  They sure as hell smack down immediately and make it well known that not all people who label themselves as feminists speak for feminism.
So we male, gamers would appreciate it greatly if you stop it with your hypocricy for thirty seconds and make it well known that this dude doesn't speak for all men/gamers in accordance to your own social justice rules.  Because if "Big Red", one of the most popular tropes of your ilk, "Doesn't speak for all feminists". Then how could you sit there and claim this person who wrote out the threat speaks for all of us?
Get the fuck out of our hobby and then maybe we gamers could get back to playing games with anyone who enjoys them. Male, Female, Black, White, whoever. We could do that again without you turning it into another social justice warrior weapon for your back asswards cause.
You douchebags fucking killed comedy.  One of my great escapes from your bullshit.  Only a matter of time before you kill gaming too judging by the way you work.
I'm going to go play super smash bros. for 3DS now.  Is that okay, feminists?  Should I check my privledge first before playing my game that has no god damned connection with misogyny what-so-ever, or do you wanna look at it for three seconds and make one up before I start?

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well that came out of nowhere! (20)
That feeling you get when you realize that your are like everyone else, and that alienation that you've felt all your life is simple a segment of your imagination. Why would your mind decide that you deserve to be different, what survival advantage do you get from thinking that you're unique? That doesn't make you better than everyone else. Sometimes, I understand video games' point systems. We all get the same points to spend accross many different interests. The wisest puts their points in self-relience. Thinking that you're the only reason you're miserable is a bit sado-masochist, no? That's why I'm different.

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nineteen. (28)
haunt season is officially underway. 
trying to fix our instagram and get some stuff together for marketing. 
I just want some more coffee to be perfectly honest. 
the news is coming out to shoot a spot on us. 
you know, at 4:30 in the god damn morning. 

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562 (53)
I kind of want to hide.
Did I do something wrong?
Am I being a bother?
Should I just go?
That's how I feel about now.
And I'm not sure what's wrong.
You don't talk to me anymore.
Maybe it is best if I leave.

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Untitled (33)
I feel safer walking the streets at night than in the bedroom I painted espresso brown.
I feel safer taking drinks from a stranger than lying in this cold hard bed at night.
Though the darkness is safer, I never turn off the light.
I have longed for life in the violent worlds of favorite novels, for in them everything happens according to some divine authorial plan.
Though I may feel safer on the street... I own things, and care for the things of a loved one. I cannot abandon my post.
I am going insane.

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I swear, it was beautiful (31)
I always wanted to be a boy so much more than I ever wanted to be a man.

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Dear Gary Fan 329 (35)
Let my just spill my guts. Its been a very long time since I've done that.
Well as of Fall semester, I've come out as a lesbian and then bisexual. I am currently dating the guy I lost my virginity to (and honestly, I don't think its going anymore but I'm too much of a chicken to do it), and my parents are getting a divorce.
Oh hey - yeah. That happened. Let me start from the beginning.
Weirdest process ever. I don't know why the fuck its such a struggle though. I'm still currently battling self acceptance though. But I feel better, not broken anymore. And I really don't digust myself anymore, well most of the time I don't. Kinda just need to learn how to live and not worry about others. I feel like I've gone in the right direction though.
Yeah - I'm not dealing with it now. My father has found another woman, and wants to leave us. Granted I'm 21 and I shouldn't give a literal fuck. But I do. I hurt for my mom though. I really do. She gave that man 26 years of her life, all her work experience, she had breast cancer and has no breasts to speak of, and he leaves because he doesn't love her? That ruins a person. It really does. And I hate it. I almost hate him, until I see him. But what does it matter, eh.
Anywho - now onto positive things. I have things to look forward to, graduation, teaching a pledge class, making an impact on the LGBTQ community? It is amazing. Absolutely grand.

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I do perceive. (36)
Desperately looking for a job. Thats All

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561 [ we love our tragedies ] (48)
I think I'm taking this situation well.
Probably the most maturely I could take.
I'm at least proud of that.
But it still hurts.
A lot.
Past me is still in there.
I can feel her screaming.
No matter how badly my head wants to hurt you.
My heart won't let it.
That's how much you mean to me.
I just hope that my words mean something.
And I truly hope you understand it all.

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560 [ being me means feeling scared to breathe ] (40)
the beating is quiet
tears slip down pale cheeks
overwhelming sorrow
this pain is like cold water
burning in my lungs
the beating is thundering
reaching to nothing
agonizing numbness
i'm drowning in these waves
screaming, breathing in
i'm drowning

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In the dark (56)
  Sitting in the shower, letting the water hit me where it hurts, my body looks like a sound wave on its side, a rippling mess of mass. I’m warm, the water is too but that’s not it, my blood feels slow, like molasses, I feel weighed down but I’m doing it to myself, I’m the one sitting in the bathtub letting the water hit me. It’s my hand on the trigger. It’s my hands around my neck.
  I’m a difficult person. I don’t make small talk, and I’m perfectly happy being a room with someone, someone I don’t know very well and thus could open them up and read them like a book, maybe just the first chapter, hell, maybe even just the first page, but I don’t. I’m perfectly happy not knowing them. I don’t care about what their book is about, I’ve decided I’m not gonna buy it. I’m not even in the bookstore. I’m in the car, in the parking lot across the street, inside a box, inside of a bubble, with headphones on, blindfolded. 
  Out of the shower, take a proper amount of NyQuil so that I can fall asleep and stop being so warm, so weighed down. In dreams I'll be lighter than air. Maybe I’ll sleep naked? No, that’s fucking stupid. I’m definitely leaving the window open though, so that I can hear the midnight howl the soundtrack to my thoughts alone, in the dark. 

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eighteen. (47)
listening to staind takes me back to that place. 
woken up to my mom listening to staind in the living room on the surround sound. 
I'm not crying, you're crying.

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Musings. (57)
Sometimes I feel like I should be about 20 years older. My mom would be my sister/my grandma would be my mom, and I'd have gone to a shitload of concerts in the 1980s and dropped acid and been a much more functional human being.
Or, hell, my mom could've kept me. I'd probably be better off. Especially with all the case managers, social workers, etc who would have been checking up on us. Instead of all this abuse from everyone else. I would have been far enough away to not be the target of my molesters. Two of them, anyway...
I identify so much with Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds. That's who my last entry was about. I was born to a mother with schizophrenia. A very intelligent woman, who probably could have been a professor of 15th century literature if she hadn't had such a raw deal in the childhood department. Because of the abuse she suffered, and the abuse I suffered after her, she didn't reach her potential and neither did I reach mine. I was a genius as a kid. In informal tests my IQ registered in the 190s. I skipped enough grades in math that I had to take classes at the local high school when I was in middle school. I could have studied physics, engineering, all of it. I had the aptitude. I kept up the momentum through all the years of abuse. All the way until I was about fifteen. Slowly, over the course of middle school and high school, everything slipped away.
I always struggled with grades. Mostly because so much was based on homework, and because home was not a safe place to do school work (or anything at all, really, except be quiet and watch the tv and do anything requested of me, and just let the fear settle on my shoulders and become a familiar weight). 
My teachers saw that I had the aptitude but I guess they assumed that I didn't have the right attitude or something. My first teacher in the highly-capable program wrote me up on numerous complete bullshit "offenses." I really have absolutely no idea how in the fuck she was so wrong about everything all the time (or how someone with such a propensity can become a teacher -- although the last time I visited my old elementary school, she was working in the library...).
So many things could have been the one tiny thing that went differently and changed my whole life.
I watched child prodigies on shows like Oprah and specials on PBS. I knew I could be them. If only I had been given an instrument to play, a book to read, an equation to solve... and a safe place to do it in.
If only I had been seen and known for who and what I was. Instead of as the product of abuse and neglect that is so misunderstood by the world. Instead of a discipline case. Instead of someone failing to live up to their potential. Instead of a nuisance. Instead of a space-case. Instead of lazy.
If I could have been seen and known as a child being mistreated. As a person being given no nourishment outside of the physical. As someone whose constant abuse was beginning to degrade and destroy my mind, my ability to learn. As someone who wanted nothing more than to learn everything possible, and spread that knowledge along with love and kindness to all corners of the earth...
I lost my ability to learn when I was 14 and didn't get it back until I was 24.
I learned when I was 5 years old that I could be blamed for being a victim of sexual assault.
I didn't slip through the cracks, I was pushed.

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1283 (136)
This is stuck in my head and I have to get it out so it will go away.
I believe I mentioned once back in my journal that I learned this "I dont care" attitude about things, or a "whatever" attitude, from my mother. I  addressed her lack of emotion/feelings to this attribute.  But now it bugs me that I represented my mother that way.
In my quick little journal blab about mother I believe I mentioned an example like: it doesn't matter if you dont have enough gas in your car to get to that activity you are going to have to get gas sometime in the future, might as well be now.  And it doesn't matter if you use more gas to go pick up someone and take them.  It doesnt matter about the gas cuz, again, you still have to fill up sometime and it doesn't matter if you have a plus one in your car as you do it, just go to the activity yer supposed to be at.
Other little things she just shrugs at:  It doesn't matter if that person can't show up or do something, you can always find someone else to help.  It doesn't matter if you know you'll never see your bread pan again, you can get another one, they prolly need it more than you.  It doesn't matter if you take the time to help this person out right now, cuz what else would you do.  It doesn't matter if so and so is mad at you theres not much you can do about it.  It doesn't matter if you spend this much money on your child, you wont even remember the purchase a few years later, as long as it helps them now, etc.
I've been thinking about it lately and I feel I have to make this correction in writing.
Now that I look back on it, I dont see it as an "I dont care" attitude.  It seemed like that quality or characteristic bugged me, but helped me in my church issues and such.
But now I see it as a "do it anyway" attitude that I learned from my mother.  That sounds more positive anyways.
It doesn't matter if that person shows up to help, you have to do the job anyway.  It doesn't matter if your bread pan is missing you'll find a way to make your bread anyway in the future.  It doesnt matter if you take time to help someone out, you -should- do it anyway.  It doesnt matter if so-and-so is mad at you, you still have to go on with life anyway no need to get all worked up about it.  It doesnt matter if you should spend that money in order to visit your child, you should do it anyway.   Its the right thing to do.  It illicits faith when you do something anyway trusting that it will turn out okay.  And I've found, usually when you do take that leap it does tend to work out.
When I felt poor and grumpy and wanted to be alone and thus didnt want to go to that certain activity, I gased up my car anyway,  I picked up that person who asked for a ride anyway, and I went to the activity anyway.  I found the gas/money issue wasn't that important, it had to happen sometime, I found the person I picked up to be my new friend that made me laugh so hard the whole drive, and the activity it turned out wasn't that bad, if anything it was just fun to people watch and the food was always good.  In the end none of those actions hurt me in any way.  It was the right thing to do.  Have faith and do it anyway.
Anyways, I think it shows priorities and unselfishness I feel I learned from my mother.  As long as you are doing what is right, it doesn't matter the consequences, do it anyway.
Its not that she didn't care about Dals financial situation and or school situation when she pressured him to start a family.  It was an act of faith she wanted him to exercise.  Its not that she didn't care about me and wanted me out of the house when she pressured me to go to college.  It was an act of faith.  It was the right thing to do it. It was setting priorities.  It pertained to things eternal rather than temporal.
If I were to pick a song that most described what I learned from my mother I'd pick this song.

You can spend your whole life building Something from nothin' One storm can come and blow it all away Build it anyway
You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach And you know it might not ever come your way Dream it anyway
God is great, but sometimes life ain't good When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should But I do it anyway I do it anyway
This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe That tomorrow will be better than today Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart For all the right reasons In a moment they can choose to walk away Love 'em anyway
God is great, but sometimes life ain't good When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should But I do it anyway Yeah, I do it anyway
You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang Sing it anyway Yeah, sing it anyway
I sing, I dream I love Anyway
Read more: Martina McBride - Anyway Lyrics | MetroLyrics

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1282 (49)
Well, I had an interesting night last night.
Nothing happened at work.  And when I say nothing, usually I mean literally, nothing.
I start to count the documents I do during the day and lately only come up with like 3, maybe.
Then I stopped by the temple and no one was there, something about the HighSchool Homecoming.
Was again asked, for the like 5th time if I have any relation to Vernon aka The Deacon.   I keep telling the same guy yes, something about Vern being my Grandpa Ray's cousin.
Then I went home and talked to Mum and Evan on the phone.  Listened to Evans dating failures and Moms ambitions for her mothers upstairs carpet replacement.
I ate some lasgna I've been eating the past four days, took a shower and was brave enough to knock on doors again to attempt to get some things done regarding the HOA and our new gate mainly cuz I knew AJ was home. He finally gave me some answers so I could continue my progress on this matter.  Relief.  But of course, talking to such people takes longer than you always expect it.
I ran over to Neals to pick up Mins nail guns and he ended up talking to me for awhile, like usual.
I didn't get to Gma's until like 8:30ish where Mum was already moving things upstairs and ripping out carpet. That carpet has been there since 1947 I believe.  The pad underneath like disinegraded.  And actual wood planks underneath!  None of this sheetrock business.  Like a solid built house of brick and wood.  But the nails in the wood are what makes the house so loud and creaky when stepped upon.
I pulled out staples and sat on the floor and pounded out the carpet tack.  Oh the pain.  A simple task really, but I was clearly to old and fat for such activity.  Dad did the stairs while Mum and I pounded in the room.  They are using Mums industrial carpet she seemingly inherited and hired a guy to install it today, but they didn't want to pay for him ripping it out too so they enlisted my help in that.  No one was going to help me take out my carpet to save money when I moved in my place.  Not even the sister that wanted me to move so quickly.  Anyways.  It'll be nice.
We didn't get done, or mostly done until about 11pm.  I quit and went home. I still had HOA stuff to do.  I gathered all the letters and handed them out to the units so they'd get them in the morning when they left for work.  Finally got to bed at like midnight.
About three hours later there was huge loud thunder booms outside and soon after a 52 pound dog attempting to jump on top of me in bed.  He only got half of himself on top of me and constantly sticking his nose in my face and constantly moving/twitching.  I only felt him shaking a few times tho.  I'm never going to get any sleep like this.  He kept seeing the lightning outside and would freak out, but thunder wouldn't come after like an hour so I knew it calmed down, but convincing Max was another issue.  I finally got to go back to sleep even with a dog halfway on my bed staring at me and constantly making little movements.
I'm not sure why I was in such a good mood during that whole ordeal.  Usually you wake me up I'm grumpy. Yesterday morning I was in a foul mood. That demanding unit owner pissed me off.  By the time I was done with the temple I was chatting nicely to Evan, doing physical work and driving home at 11pm pritti awake.  I stayed awake and happy as I passed out HOA letter stuff.  And I didnt even get too mad when the dog kept trying to stuff his head under my arms, pillow and blankets for like an hour or more.  But I'm still here with lack of sleep and not too ornery.
Oh, but I think I'll miss having a scared dog during the thundering nights.  It's been a long time since a storm has scared him like this.  I think the last time was in Mins house and he was literally on top of me that time.  He was young enough he could jump on the bed I guess.
Anyways, just a weird night.

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Detaching from Reality (76)
Is the catalyst really so small? Only a trickle, a hint of the old abuse and already I am spiraling so?
I am falling away from the real world, hiding and sheltering myself. I cannot find enough time to myself and I cannot get the help I need in keeping a schedule.
The cost will be great.
I wonder what other disorder lurks beneath my aching skull...
I became unhealthily entangled in my emotions for a fictional character, to the point of legitimate concerns about obsession. At the very end of the last episode I watched this character did something that I found inconsistent with my view of how he would behave. And in a way that is clearly setting up a story arc involving the continuation of this behavior. I became irrationally angry and worried. Because my escape, my fantasy, was compromised.
I just hope that my dreams will give me better fantasies tonight.
I am not quite certain what happened to my inflated self-worth... but I both miss it dearly and fear it terribly right about now.

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[955] i walk to the sound of my own drum (100)
i mean honestly
hey i finally did some stuff with the things and oh wow shocking katherine it's like life gets better when you actually fucking try. 
now do more stuff. get shoes. find your fucking contacts damn.

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Gamergate, and what it means for gaming. (82)
The gamer is a dying breed, but it isn't our fault.  I love playing games and being a gamer.  If you do one you are the other.  Your mom, who plays nothing, but free to play, facebook, farm or restaurant simulators, is a gamer.  Your little brother who has two games on his phone, the 10 minute game demo of tetris he never touched and candy crush is also a gamer.  Here's something else.  Your mom, your little brother, and you are all misogynistic, bigoted, racists now because gaming media and a few popular people on youtube say that you are.  And SJWs are all standing behind their claims with as much vitrial and spite towards you as they could harbor. Now I know what you are saying...  "But I'm not any of those things.  I'm Actually way into social justice... and may even be part of what they say are the victims of this."  Nope... you too.  You are part of this crusade against gaming and they could care less who you are.  Unless of course you join their band wagon and claim that ou too are a victim and help their cause to destroy "Gamers"  Once and for all.  You see, Gamers aren't dying.  They want to commit Genocide on Gamers and make it a bunch of SJWs just like them.  We aren't good enough for The group of rouge SJWs and Feminists who have hijacked the media and are now using it as their pedestal and spring board to enhancing their lives.  They can't fix what they think are problems when we aren't willing to give up everything and sign the business to them without any say.  So instead they are fully intent in getting rid of us, the roadbumps to their Social Justice agendas, and replace us with similar thinking drones or people who just won't care... I.E your mom who plays free to play facebook games, and your little brother who plays Candy Crush on his iPhone. Those who would never be effected if console gaming were to be fundamentally dismantled.
So yes... you too.  All that stuff you loved growing up is under attack because it isn't good enough for a very opinionated feminist and the gaming media who loves plastering her face on things and making it out that We are the problem with gaming.  If they win, we lose.  What killed comedy, The film industry, and pop culture in general is at Gaming's doorstep.  So "gamer"... what are you going to do about it?  Are you going to let it in and offer it a drink, or tell it to go screw itself?  I've made my choice and I'm going to be heard.  It's time these SJWs get to know what it's like that they have abused us enough with their hate speech and yellow journalism. 
"It's no longer Social Justice when you become the bullies."  - JonTron

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559 (107)
For once I'd like people to stop being so fucking demanding.
I don't even get a second to breathe anymore.
And it's iritating.
Just stop!
Calm your tits.
Let me fucking breathe .
It's bad enough that I'm stuck in my own head lately.
Been trying to focus on WoW.
It's been helping.
Though, I'm going to have to explain what a broken promise is.
It a fucking 43 year old.
Because it's not what he thinks it is.
I just cannot handle broken promises right now.
I can't handle a lot of shit right now, honestly.
I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown.
It comes in and out like the tide.
Waves of pain, sorrow, confusion and love.
They roll over me as a blanket.
Surrounding me in warm embrace.

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seventeen. (87)
god garrett was a manipulative little shit. 
reading old private messages and laughing about how fucked up the teenage years were. 

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Butterscotch (100)
I didnt do anything I thought, in fact I did the opposite. I know why I wrote about butterflies. I know about Alice and girls with red shoes and glitter. Everyone is mad. I learned to fly years ago from a man. No expression. I know the secret of life, I was chosen. Im a neutral student. I know that girl...i know that girl...i think i know you from somewhere. None of it matters now but we were so close...to something. That house steals me from my dreams, I am sitting in your chair, waiting... Im flying in your room and down the hall. Eggshell blue pudding and we sit at a long table and sing, I know why we sing... butterscotch . I know you loved me till you couldnt love me much at all. You're not a hero. I know this now. 
Im cleaning my daughters room.
Clean space.
Clean mind. 
So bright. you're so bright.
lets read a book. sit down and I will take you through the looking glass...

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Untitled (96)
So Today I had to go to school and turn in some student loan stuff. And then I went next door to the casl building. To see if any of my favorite professors were there. Tomorrow school officially starts. On my way out there was this girl that I met last year. Shes a friend of my friend Helena. Her name is Mina. She was in her car listening to music. And we didnt recognize eachother so we smile. And yes I was checking her out. I didnt know who she was tho. All my friends have this crush on her. Me tho. I look but I don't feel the need to go for anything extra. Shes 26. So older than me. And in the masters program. Which also one of those silly things on my list. Educated. And older. But yeah I suck in relationships. And I don't believe in love or marriage nor understand why people do. And I don't want kids. My future is just music and philosophy. Sartre never got married right!?
Other news. Getting a demo together in the next 6 months. And I have a few record labels to send my shit to. I just need to perform at a few places. But in all honesty my chops are not where they need to be. Also. My cousin who sings, wants me to try to get a few neo-soul tracks for her together. My birthday will be here soon. And Im counting on a little money left over from financial aid to pay some bills. I will done with court on the 15 as well. So things are looking up. Im not in a hurry to get things over with. I only want to stay at a keen pace.  See you guys in november.   
My birthday is on its waaaay. And I want to go dig for records and get coffee. Anyone want to come with my friend Munk and I !? Any sugesstions? Im gonna look for drum breaks, and theres this classical composure album I want they did tho whole thing in electronic synthesizers tho. Also need to cop a new mixer and I might buy the Maschine or MPC renny/studio. Just depends on how the first few two weeks go . Hope all is Well. 

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Less than 17 weeks (132)
As of yesterday I am under 17 weeks to go and then our new bundle of joy will be joining us.  He is definitely becoming an active kicker and likes to throw in some punches now and then.  Hopefully that means we will have an active child on our hands, one that will help keep Curly worn out from playing together :)  Short entry I know but that's all I got right now.

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[954] (77)
stop getting upset by stupid things
it's not even a thing katherine why are you so fucking stupid
she can write wherever and with whoever and be whoever she wants to be you can't stop that you can't control that you have nothing to do with it just stop stop stop stop stop and get ahold of yourself
you are at work godfucking damnit, pull your shit together

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Untitled (98)
My time with Texas is comming to a close. Online classes are over. And my flight is in a few days. School at Michigan starts September 3rd. And Im graduating in december. It took me forever. But I really had no idea what I was doing. I have a deal with my parents. Give me a year. And if I don't put my heart into music and writing then, Ill say fuck it and go to law school or grad school. Or work in Alaska oil for a year. 
Jazz music. Is like my life. Hip hop my mistress. When I dj and make beats, Im thinking about guitar. When I play and practice my guitar no matter the style, I'm thinkin about a particular groove for a beat I havent finished. I have a two track mind. Im trying to do 40 beats a week. And practices on the guitar for about two -three hours a day in the morning. 
Am I silly for thinking I can make a career of music and philosophy with out all the academic ideals? 

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Untitled (83)
I found love and I stopped loving.

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truth. (80)
i won't.

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1279 (91)
"I've got issues, I've got scars
In the colors just like yours
I was broken right from the start
I'm not different than you are
I'm not perfect, I'm perfectly flawed
And my scratches don't hurt much at all
But just like you, I've got issues."
-James Durbin - Issues 
"Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for trying to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too,
Either way I found out I'm nothing without you."
-Kelly Clarkston:  My Life Would Suck Without You
"I've been trying - I'm not Lying
I'm not perfect - I've got baggage."
"Life's too short babe, time is flying
I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine."
-Rent:  La Via Boheme

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1278 (69)
When we left the vet I told Max, "Hey, well look on the bright side, with all that needle poking you got they were able to give you some narcotics!  That's pritti neat, huh?  Not everyone can just go in and come out with narcotics right?  You'll be feeling better in no time."
I gave him the meds the next day and noticed he stopped and stared at me a lot longer than normal.  Then I noticed his response time was a bit delayed.  It makes him seem like he's deaf.  But he heard it, just in the wrong direction, so he does like this double take before looking the right way. He really is stoned.  He was a really calm dog before, but now I can like hug/lay on him and he doesn't fight as much.  Its kind of awesome.  But the stoner looks for a long time are kinda creeping me out.  They said it would make him drowsy, I guess that's the same symptoms.  But I haven't noticed him sleeping more than usual. He'll lay with his head on his paws and stare longer, but he's not flat out cold sleeping.  He might have a deeper sleep once he does close his eyes.... He doesn't seem too disoriented when getting up out of bed.
Now I have thoughts of taking him home this weekend with a house full of family, opening the door and shout out a warning, "Watch out here comes a stoned dog!"  As he runs in the house.  He still has normal reactions to going outside or going for walk, excited, just a lower key.  I'd hear my mom yell, "What?!" in disbelief. And my response would "What?  He's as high as a kite! And he's loving it!"  My mother would retort by yelling my full name.  And I conintue, "What? I'm jealous. At least one of us can be that happy. I wonder what some of his meds would do for me. Naw, wait the lady told me it didn't do nothing for humans, she said "trust me", I'm pretty sure she's tried it."  There my dog would be stopping randomly in the front room and giving everyone his stoner stare with a smile.
He gonna be alright.

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1277 (71)
Saturday was a rough day for me.
It was finally the only Saturday I've had to myself to get some things done this summer.  This time I decided not to go the selfish route and relish in the thought of doing nothing all day.  I actually decided to take the dog for a walk, in the morning, take him to the vet and take my car in for an oil change, and then make time to go to the baptism that evening.   I didn't even gorge myself selfishly with food that day.
My calendar alerted me it was Harvest Days celebration for the city this weekend, so that ment a parade.  The alert woke me up and so I went to the bathroom and let the dog outside as he was bugging me already at like 8 in the morning.  I found Cassie's boyfriend in the downstairs bathroom cleaning up an overflowing toilet issue. Oy voy. Great way to start the day, right?  And there he is attempting to defend himself, "Your plungers don't work! They're all broken!"  Well, gee, I wonder why.  You've plugged up my toilets so many times and used and broke all my plungers!  So he said he 'saved the day' by going all the way to his house and getting his "industrial plunger" and bringing it back to my house.  I want to strangle that man.  He continues to defend himself, "I have a medical problem."  If you realize you have a medical problem than you should take percaution of other peoples things and houses!  I don't take my medical problem to your house and plug up your toilet and ruin your property value!  I can't believe I had to say this outloud to get it through his head, "So buy me a industrial plunger if you are going to use my toilets!"  Its not that hard.  Seriously, between him and Cassie they have NO consideration for other people AT ALL.   Cassie is not getting a good referral from me.
So anyways... I got up, much earlier than I wanted to, and was too agitated to go back to sleep.  But I laid in bed and attempted until like 9am.  I finally got up and made some breakfast and got ready.  Took the dog for a walk down like 5-6 blocks to the parade the city was having at 10.  It was a longer walk than I thought and it was hot outside already.  My dog and his heavy breathing and black coat worried me and I had no water with me.  We found a shady lawn and parked and I figgered we'd sit for like an hour and recoupurate before having to take that walk in the heat again.
The parade was small, and the number of people that came to see it was small also.  Prolly more ppl in the parade than those that watched it.  Anyways, just sitting there as the parade went by two people pulled out dog treats as they sat in their cars as they drove by and threw my dog some treats.  Weird.  I mean, animal lovers, yes I can see that, but who carries dog treats with them in a parade?   Are there that many?  I guess I dont usually take Max to the parade cuz he's scared of the noises.  He didn't seem to be too scared of the noises, he just did his normal heavy breathing where everyone thinks he's dying.  One lady was walking and just couldn't pass him without petting him, she had to double back to get to him.
I got some attention to with the candy being thrown at the little loners on the corner of the lawn watching.  I got some ice pops.  Haven't had those in awhile.  I miss them.  I was surprised I got candy.  I thought I wouldn't cuz I didnt steal any children and have them with me. I was surprised at their concerns tho when some people came up and handed me candy, "I dont want your dog to get it."   I was surprised that was a concern, but hey I guess in normal dogs that would be a concern, and it was chocolate so I appreciated the caution at least.  I dunno.  It was weird.  No one seemed afraid to approach me to hand me their papers and flyers. Max got up every time someone approached tho.  Made some of them jumpy.  I made friends with the couple on the grass next to me.  They wanted to tell me how proud they were of their grandson who was in the parade rolling skating and doing tricks.  While I was at the parade someone texted me about my Ikea Malm bedframe I was selling on KSL.  They said they could come after 1. 
After the parade we walked home and got some water and a little bit of food, I grabbed a blanket and took the dog to a new vet. I didn't know how long that would take so I hadn't made an appointment with the KSL person.   We got there around 12:15 or so they took us right in.  They just had a cat ahead of us.  Of course the floor is all linoleum and my dog has super long claws and was afraid, which is why I brought the blanket. I laid it down on the floor as we waited.  He was pretty good at following me back into the room, until he realized it was a room with no escape and he backed up.   The nurse vet helper lady got behind him and attempted to push him and he hates that!  Then out of the blue one of the dogs behind the main desk came out and growled and barked and potentionally attacked Max as he was in his already scared state.  I put down the blanket to create a bridge between me and him so he could get away and he took the bait.  Into the room he was.  The silly part is there are two doors in the room, like swinging doors almost that he could escape from if he really tried and he was desparate enough, he would have.  So I kept him on lease and put the blanket at my feet and he leaned against me in a panic state of heavy breathing.
The lady didn't seem that....impressive to me.  She had a piercing in her eyebrow and completely destroyed hair from dying it a thousand times.  She juss seemed like a punk chick that got a break in the vet world by some relative that let her work there.  I'm sure she is qualified and knew what she was talking about, but the first impression wasn't so great.   Anyways...  she of course is the one to examine the dog, not the doc.   She groped my poor puppy and we pointed out all his fatty tissue gobs he has, like always.  I learned one is in his back left inner thigh and its huge.  I'm sure that alone is enough to not have his legs work right on the stairs.
She attempted to listen to his heart and lungs as his heavy breathing persisted.  She couldn't hear anything but his breathing and had to clamp his mouth shut for a minute.  He hates that too.  I reached down as he leaned against me and rubbed his ear and head and somehow he knew it was me and for some reason it calmed him down.  He actually held still for a minute while she listened.  That tactic continued to work throughout the examine.  I was amazed.  I didn't think anything could calm him down in his panic moments that lady seemed to create for him.
She was quick to declare his breathing as "stress breathing"  as in 'pain is ensuing and I shall pant'.  She concluded it was probably arthritis in the back as I mentioned he seemed to have trouble with his back legs.  I thought when dogs are hurt they like attack ppl who try and touch them in their pained areas.  He didn't get mad at me or anything.  I know he lost patience with children prolly cuz of pain in his back.  She was quick to remind of how he's in pain every chance she got.  It didn't seem rude, but afterwards it almost felt like she was telling me I'm a bad owner for letting him be in pain and that I should know he is past the average age of living labs and should know that he has arthritis by now and yadda yadda.
Anyways, she gave me some options to check him out in other ways, of course the expensive ones.  They always want blood work, which is like $110, but when she told me they can learn about his inner organs and if they are working properly I was interested.  He's never had blood work done and I wonder if anything in there is part of his pain.  So I ordered that.  The doc came in and listened to his chest and declared Max had a heart arithum, I dunno, some bit word that they concluded was the "stress breathing".  He wanted to make sure the heart is healthy, not enlarged, no fluid in the lungs or around the heart etc.  So I ordered the x-ray of the heart area.  Not the x-ray of his back, cuz we all know whats going on there basically.  So I ordered the expensive tests they 'recommended'.  Totalling $250.
I felt like I was at a car dealership, "This needs replaced, would you like to do that today?  Your manufacturer reommends this oil, would you like to do that today?"   Which would be the questions I got later that day.  So many decisions.
When the lady talked to me about the pain she made it sound like there was nothing you can do.  Older dogs have arthritis all the time, they still around til they literally can't move, my dog is obviously still going.  He made to the vet on his own four legs.  So that got me kind of teary. But I held it together.  Then the doc came in and literally stated and repeated, "It just depends on what you want to do."  He might as wel blantantly said, "Do you want to keep him alive or not?  Should we kill him right now or no?  Do you want to spend lots of money to keep him going?"   I dunno.  It upset.  They acted like the dog was dead already, at least on his last legs.  They didn't even have the test results to indicate there was a problem that could not be fixed.  His age and arthritis were apparently the symtom with no remedy. 
But the dumb part is that there is a remedy, its called drugs.  A lot of dogs do it nowadays!
The doc was a heavy guy that couldnt even get to the floor to listen to my dogs heart.  His knees creaking and his breathingy heavy and he mentioned he had back pain too prolly with his heavy weight and yadda yadda.  Exactly, the doc has old man issues too, nobody told his wife "It all depends on what you want to do with him right now..."  He took medication and he's still alive and kicking.  Not as happily as before.  He does look a little too young for him to be on his 'last leg' tho.
So they got me to agree to spend a lot of money, tell me my dog is on his last legs and there was nothing they could do, made me wait in waiting room with these thoughts, and THEN they got the test results.  I had a really hard time in the waiting room as they took my dog away to hold him down and take his blood.  I wanted to talk to someone about what they just told me.  But Min didn't answer my text.
They brought Max back out to me after they got his blood work going and man oh man, he didn't even look at me. I think he was mad.  He looked at me once or twice and then out the door to tell me he wanted to go.  The lady said he kinda peed while he was in there and that he needed to go outside. So I took him outside and he went to the end of the lease, like usual, and didn't attempt to slow down for me or look at me.  He was gone!  I think he was mad at me too, tho.  I told him what was going on and that we had to go back in and wait for the results. 
We went in and I put my blanket down for him.  Then an assistant lady who took my dog came out to finish cutting his nails.  Oh he hates it when ppl grab his limbs possessively and forcefully.  Max kept moving so on one claw she actually got him and I saw blood.  The first time I seen blood on my dog.  Kinda freaked me out.  But his claws were cut and he could walk on the floor a lot better.  I shoulda done that a long time ago.  Again the one lady mentions having his claws cut so he can walk on the floor might help relieve his back pain.
I told them specifically what I wanted to know, what I was concerned about, hence the specific x-rays and blood testing I asked for so they knew what I was looking for. I said I wanted to make sure all his inner organs were working first cuz I wanted to make sure all of his pain was just his bones/arthritis that would be treatable.  If he had more pain inside him that was less treatable or more expensive or whatever then I'd consider the "what do we do with him now?" question.  As if we have to plot his death that very day in order to call it humane.  But if its just his outside part then I could drug him until he couldn't move anymore and then at 52lbs I wouldn't have much other choice.
They finally got the results and called me in to tell me.  The immediately went to the X-ray and showed me the arthritis in his neck.  Explained his heart seemed fine.  And then "oh we're done here, we'll give a perscription for some pain meds for him." blah blah deal.  I'm like wait.... And then, as an after thought as he was leaving the room, he decided to mention the blood test showed everything was okay with his insides, it was all working well.  And I'm sure if I paid $78 for that other X-ray of his back it would be another two seconds of "Oh he has arthritis in his back"  Duh.
So suddenly my concern of his insides wasn't a concern for them, but didn't tell me, and then suddenly there was a remedy for his arthritis called pain meds.
I knew I would have problem with whatever vet I went to. They seriously dont listen to me. So I didn't think it mattered which one I went to, I juss needed to get him into the vet.
So I went out to get his pills.  One lady telling me they dont have enough of one pill cuz some lady came and looted a whole bunch that morning, and told me one full pill twice a day, and the other pill cut in half and do half a pill twice a day.  Then the other lady came to actually give me the pills after the label was made and told me both pills cut in half and give only half a pill twice a day.  I added a last minute Bordella shot he hadn't had yet this year.  Another $12, what does it matter?  With those pills it brought the bill up another like $100 so I ended up paying $343.
By then I had a headache.  Emotions, decisions, miscommunications, unanswered questions.  I was done.
But when I was alone finally with just me and my dog I spoke as if I had a better attitude about it, somehow. I said, "Well that could've been worse."  and "Hey look at the bright side at least you get doped up finally."  and I seemed so casual with this sentence I feel bad, "Well I dont remember how long you been breathing like that, but at least we finally got you to the doc to get some pain meds...now that we know you are hurting..."
I should've taken him this spring.  All summer it was on my mind.  I wonder how much pain he is in.  He still eats and drinks and walks and poos.  He hasn't attacked anyone cuz of pain.  I dunno.  The lady said I prolly should've taken him to doc two years ago when I said he started having trouble with the stairs at moms house. 
Sigh.  Shoulda, woulda, coulda.   You can speculate til you turn blue and we'll still never know the answers.
Then I rushed home to sell my bed frame like 2.5 hours later.  I was kind of sad to see it go.  I saved my pesos for that bed back in like 2008 or so.  I liked it.  I just like to rearrange my room too much and I cant move that frame around so easily.   The wife spent her time telling me how it was a present for her husband and how he doesn't know how much money she is spending on it while her husband packed it into the car.  She said she told him she spent $40 on it.  Seriously who would believe that?  I mean husbands are gullible sometimes, but seriously, you have to be stupid to believe that!  Esp when she mentioned they go to Ikea all the time.  He knows the prices I bet!  Its not that cheap!  I sold it to her for $150, she told him $40.  He picked out the bed at Ikea, he liked it but couldn't afford it, surprise, but he didn't remember the bed when they went to pick it up from me.  haha.
She said and I quote afterwards, "He really likes it as I had hoped and we are both happy we could afford it."  That right there, thats messed up kids.  Messed. up.  There's a big difference between $40 missing from the account and $150. I have a feeling they dont have the greatest relationship tho.  First of all she is purchasing a full bed frame for her husband. Bed for a single person, mind you. Then she is lying about the prices and I sure hope he's not that dumb to believe what she tells him. And then it seems like she's telling me this as if to make me feel bad or offer to lower the price or give her money back at $150.  That is half the price I bought it for, not including the nightstand I gave them!  Whatever. I got my money, she got him a present, and its her choice to lie about money and stuff, not mine. 
Shed a tear for that.  Didn't have time to rearrange my bedroom after cleaning out my whole closet basically to get to that bed frame.  Ate some toast and hopped in the car to go drop off some clothes at D.I.  Shed a tear for that.  Got an oil change and texted Mindy while I waited.  By now I've had like 2 or 3 intermiten tear sessions for my issues with the dog.  I told Min she had to help me decide when it was okay to let him go, but for now I'm paying for pain meds.   After the oil change and $42 dollars later I found I had no idea where to go or what to do.  It was about 4pm and I had til 7 before the baptism.  I remembered the fair was still going for the city celebration, but I didnt want to go anymore.  I realized I hadn't eaten anything cept for breakfast this morning and toast an hour ago.  I remembered I had a $5 coupon card for Pie Five. Never been, thought I'd try it out.
By the time I got home I was popped out.  I think Max was too.  He survived a parade AND the vet. So I laid down.  I had to clean half my room in order to get ot my bed, but I finally made it around 6pm.  Of course I didnt want to get up after I managed to calm my brain down.  But I got up, got dressed, and trudged over to the baptism.
I think I mainly wanted to go to the baptism cuz I wanted to see a legit baptism ever since Evans.  A baptism where someone actually kept those promises and was geniuenly interested and not doing it cuz they are supposed to or someone told them too.  Anyways, I liked the song the two boys sang.  I like the reminder of baptism covenants.  We dont see it as much in a  YSA ward.  Ate some cookies, took a pic, talked to some ppl and then I headed home around 8:30pm where I burst into tears in the car yet again that day.
I wiped the tears long enough to see the Redbox selections and got a movie and Slurpee.  Mmmmm.  I went home and turned on the movie and was interrupted when the city celebration fireworks went off at 10pm.  I stopped the movie and went out to watch the fireworks. And again burst into tears as I thought awful thoughts about Max dying, when, where and how.  This time the leak didn't stop tho.  It went on for awhile as I poured my heart out to God.  I know he thinks I am strong enough to live through things like this, but ya konw, I'm not so sure.  Children and animals are a real sensitive spot for me and I'm sure he's not going to take that 'gift' away from me by making me immune what happens to them.  Anyways I knew I couldn't go to bed with thoughts like that in my head so I prayed hard that I could have those feelings and thoughts taken away so I could sleep, at least.  I was a zombie, finished my movie, and went to bed.
Sunday, the next morning, I couldn't sleep the whole time but I wasn't thinking sad thoughts.  I didn't realize I wasn't thinking sad thoughts until I actually got out of bed.  I thought hey, I laid in bed and actually had a pleasant time waking up slowly.  Took a shower, ate some breakfast, drugged the dog, watched his behavior all morning, noticed his stoner stares, got a bit worried, I think I noticed he hasn't been breathing as hard as before?, didn't cry at church, no more random crying, had a nice time.  I came home and finished rearranging my room after my bed frame left and its much nicer in there. I like my room.  I'm glad I got the desk to help me study. Makes my room more of a peaceful place. Took another shower and spent some time at my new desk reading the BofM and praying for me and my dog.  Needless to say I'm not doing the whole dog again.

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Too many times (104)
How many times have I realized that I'm not in love with that person, I'm just in love with being in love with that person? 

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1276 (77)
I have to write this.  Juss for posterity's sake.
When my children whine and complain about internet speed not being fast enough and you actually have to wait 2.5 seconds for a page to load, I want them to know this.
My current internet speed at work in Dunn's law office is 1.18mbps on download speed.  My current upload speed is .73mbps.   Not even one!  Test taken at speedtest.net.  I'm in the year 2014 and I'm 26 years old and this is how far we've gotten so far.  Then again I have a boss the same age as my dad that hasn't picked up on the new technology thing.
Now UT has recently been ranked #8 in the US with speed of 12.1megabits per second (mbps) while Virginia has the fastest speed of 13.7mbps.  Isn't Virginia the hillbilly country?  People that actually eat roadkill out there in parts of that state?  Maybe that's West VA? What do they need the fastest internet for?
And my generation think internet dial-up was bad.  We feeling pretty good with 1.2mpbs, but now as times change, 1.2 is nothing, just as dial-up was back then, and soon 12 will be nothing to you kids.
Gas prices currently are at $3.65 as of late, at least for this state.  I know the more expensive ones are $4 and something cents by now.
The small candy bars are $.89 while the King size ones are $.99. Go fig.
RedBox movies went from $1 with tax .08, to $1.65 now I believe.
The Dollar movie theatres are up to $1.25-$1.50 I think depending on weekends and matinees.
Haircuts are like $12 plus a tip.
The 'expensive' theatres are like $9.25 for adults, $6.75 for kids.  But then again popcorn is like $5 and so is a drink basically.   So for a date $10/ticket plus $15 for two drinks and popcorn = $35  slightly ridiculous.
The car I want to eventually buy is about $19,000-21,000, but of course, with taxes and all the other junk they add on its more like $23,000 or something.
If I bought milk and ever drank it I would tell you the price of that. I think its $1.97 for a gallon, or maybe half.  I dunno.
I'm sure diapers and baby formula are outrageous prices now too, but I dont buy those often either.  Just know that babies are expensive. Always.
I found this amusing, this'll be ancient by the time the kids see it.
The Community Education Classes for computer education are labeled this way:
Basic Internet Exploration for Beginners
Prepare for fun, learn how to browse, search, find, and collect data, copy pictures, and more. Travel the world with Google Earth, find music on YouTube and set up a Pandora account. One night will be spent on Facebook.
Beginning Computers and Internet
Learn Windows basics including folders, file setup, email basics, searching the web and find what you are looking for, saving pictures and uploading pictures, listen to music, watching movies, planning a vacation - all online.
Computers 101 - Where is the on switch?
If you know how to turn the computer on this class is probably not for you. We’ll learn everything you need to know to get started. NOT for those who already feel comfortable using their computers. This class is designed for truly beginning beginners.
Computers 102 - Now what?
Same description basically as 101.
Unlocking your iphone/ipad
If you have questions this class will have the answers! Learn how to setup, sync and start using your device. Also learn how to navigate, download apps and change settings. Tips and tricks on how to access the hidden features.
Everything a three year old can do not only on a computer, but on any other device and they can't even read!
And this is just computers they are talking about, cept the last one with iphone/ipad.  By the time the kids see this people prolly wont be using computers at all.  Almost everyone will have some other device, ipad, iphone, etc, I bet.  I believe it is the Surface Pro 3 they are coming out with, "the tablet that will replace your computer".  CPU's and monitors are going to be the thing of the past soon I bet.  You kids are prolly going, What's a CPU?

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Untitled (77)
You're hot shit and it seems that I'm the last to know

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sleep. (77)
and i closed my eyes, wished for the best, and left.
life is easier, it doesn't hurt to live. i have been hurting people, i'm aware of that. a really big part of me just doesnt care.
so i have a new interest,i don't trust them. i don't even know them. 
can i just let go?

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Growth, so-called maturity, and egomania (78)
So earlier tonight I was thinking about how my emotional growth has been horribly stunted by my childhood, and how I am basically at the emotional intelligence level of a 13-year-old.
And I was also thinking about how I've gotten past the stage in my life where I think Zach Braff is some super wise person to look up to.
But, like, how idiotic and ironic and just contradictory would it be for me to say I've outstripped the maturity level of my (formerly?) beloved Scrubs and Garden State?
Like, I am not better than other people just because I am a better feminist, or whatever. Or wiser, or more mature.
I was also thinking about how I was often a really fucked up and unsupportive friend back in the day. I can kind of own up to it now (something I am generally very bad at is taking responsibility for things that do not bring me glory) -- though I can see the external causes of my own situation of abuse and complete lack of parental guidance, I can still take responsibility for my part in acting like a giant asshole.
So to my old friend, I am sorry that when you told me that stuff about your brother I totally acted like it wasn't a big deal. I had my own shit going on in that same arena, and I told you about it. I shouldn't have brushed off your experiences so easily. I hope you didn't suffer more from holding them inside because I wasn't caring enough or capable enough or wise enough to listen and give a shit. And I'm sorry about the time(s) I said I was more mature than you. We both have our super-fucked up mind problems, crazy stubbornness, and emotional issues. I handle some situations better than you. You probably handle some situations better than me. I haven't talked to you in forever and I hope you are doing really well at your new job. Even when crazy shit happened, you were always fun to be around. I miss the days when we were like Lucy and Ethel. It was like every day was the chocolate factory episode. I hope we one day reconnect.
And to my childhood heroes, yeah, you are not perfect. You are broken in many ways, but you know what? You served as my elder siblings, parents, and friends when I had none of those things in the real world. You were just on the TV and you don't even know me, and if I approached you in public you'd probably be all like "who the fuck are you are you trying to steal my underwear for some kind of creepy underwear-shrine" (I mean, that'd be my first thought if I was a celebrity, obvs). Everyone is broken and bent and fucked up, and the ways we overcome our flaws are what is beautiful. And the ways we fail to overcome our flaws are what we call tragedy. And I've never liked tragedy. I live for the tragicomedy, with that hopeful upturn at the end of all the drama, with that happy destiny laid out for the future, with perseverance and hard work and character building.
They say things like that people don't change. Sure, there are a lot of personality things that are pretty stable. But people change when they are growing. I am maybe too old to grow now. Maybe not. I hope I can keep growing because I still have a lot of catching up to do. I still don't have any social skills or know how to maintain a friendship. I still don't know who I am because so much of my life has been dealt with only by stepping outside of myself and letting my mind drift elsewhere. So much of my life has been ignoring myself and accommodating others.
I'm in a cocooning sort of phase. I want to insulate myself and isolate myself, and let my thoughts and songs reverberate within and around myself, and thus to find myself. I hope to one day emerge confident and hopeful. I have always been hopeful, but only about certain things. I have been confident, but only overconfident, or not at all. I need to learn moderation in my feelings about myself.
I'm a good person, a decent human being. I'm not a great person, an angel, a saint, or anywhere near infallible. I'm also not an awful demonic horror. So that's good. Moderation. I am learning.
I do feel like I'd be a good guardian angel, though. Like, if that was my full-time job. Just to watch people and hold them with incorporeal arms and send them waves of love and comfort. That'd be pretty much the best job. Or even an angel of death, comforting the utterly disoriented, fearful, pained and tormented and helping them to find their way to Next Place.
I just wish I consistently and devoutly believed in angels.
PS. Robin Williams died today (August 11th, 2014). I can't sleep. There is a thunderstorm going on during a supermoon and a (Perseid) meteor shower in the middle of a heatwave. Those things would all be cool except I'm just really, really sad. And it's not even my place to be sad. But I just keep reading all these sad things.
PPS. David Wong wrote this thing on Cracked, and I don't really like the way he ended it, and some of it was too hard to read, but some of it really struck a chord with me and got me thinking even more about how emotionally stunted I am, and how I'm totally not alone in that, and how it's actually a pretty common way to be and deal with things. Also confirmed my total love of John Cheese, now and forever. And made me want a poop/boob machine. http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/robin-williams-why-funny-people-kill-themselves/
Been re-watching all of Scrubs. I still want to be a lot like Dr. Cox. He's basically House without the addiction. But so much yelling and self-sabotage. I do that stuff. I'd like to do it less, but it'd alleviate at least some of my crippling self-doubt and feelings of impending failure to know that in some way I am helping others even as I desperately try to keep my own head above water.

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Twisted Chapter 23 (142)
His boots came to a stop in the clearning and he took a deep breath in of fresh air.  It had been too long since he stepped outside and the fresh air helped hurry along his recovery.  Leon stared at him as he relaxed with his new freedom and slowly watched Joseph look back at him.
"I think it's time we both see your family."
Joseph looked away and said "Maybe for you."
Leon watched his jaw tighten as his state of relaxation disappeared and he tried to sense if the man was in pain still.  There was no bond or link between them and he was left with only questions.
"Your parents have been waiting for Kara's latest update on your recovery."
"They don't need anymore."
"Joseph.  They are your parents."
His gaze snapped back to Leon and he growled "My parents died when I was pup as far as I am concerned.  These people mean nothing to me."
Leon looked away and let out a slow sigh as the man walked back inside.  His nerves were racing and he felt the craving to break something settling in.  Climbing the stairs, he silently returned to their quarters and stopped at the bedroom door.  He watched Kara sleep for what appears to be the first time in quite a while.  He knew she would join him in bed but by shielding him from the pain she wasn't getting the rest she needed.
He glanced over his shoulder as the skin moved aside and Zeke entered with his other brothers.  Griffon stared at him a little surprised to see him on his feet and Ace shook his head.
"Finally decided to give your mate a break?"
He led them out in the hallway and Zeke said "We're glad you're doing better.  Just don't do that again."
He leaned his hip against the wall and asked "Worried?"
Ace chuckled and said "I think more worried what would happen to Angel if you didn't pull through.  She had been a nervous wreck with you being laid up for so long."
Griffon sighed and said "Gabby hasn't been much better."
"So all the women worried about their litte brother and yet Zeke seems to be the most relieved I can stand on my own to feet again."
The two laughed and Zeke shook his head.  He settled his gaze on his baby brother and knew the man understood why.
"Thank you for taking care of my family."
Zeke nodded and asked "What changed?"
"Just felt stronger today."
The three studied him for a moment and Ace said "Well at least this means Kara can stop and catch her breath."
Joseph stared back at him and asked "She continued with the training?"
The three slowly nodded and Griffon sighed "Between that loud bunch of babies, tending to you, and slowly creating a bridge between your folks and Leon she has no time to relax."
He looked away and stared back at the waterfall.  Leon's suggestion made sense now and he felt his jaw tighten.
"Are you going to see them?"
Ace frowned and said "That's not right."
Zeke watched him look back at them and said "Just don't turn your back on them if they approach you.  That would be insulting to Kara."
He nodded once and asked "Damon?"
The three chuckled and Griffon said "He hasn't come anywhere near us since your confrontation."
Ace nodded and said "I think you lived up to more than just the big brother image for him.  The way you stared him down gave us chills."
"I doubt that."
Zeke watched the two shrug and "Using Kara to identify him wasn't the nice approach."
Joseph met his gaze and said "It wasn't something I would do unless I had no other options."
The two stared at each other until Ace cleared his throat and Griffon rolled his eyes.  The tension between them about their relationships with their mates was going to kill them all if it wasn't put to rest soon.  They watched Joseph look away first and saw him glance down the hallway.  He heard Mikhail making his way towards them and found him lingering around a corner in hearing distance.  The boy snuck a peek at him and when he didn't blink the boy ran up to him.
Despite the protest throughout his entire body he took his son into his arms and held him as he greeted his uncles.  Mikhail shifted into his pup form and jumped down onto the ground.
"Can we go for a run?"
He could hear his brothers protesting and said "I'll try and keep up."
Mikhail's tail began wagging as he shifted into his wolf form and walked with him down the steps.  The transition was less painful than earlier and he followed his son outside into the clearing.

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558 (105)
My birthday is coming up.
Oh boy.
I feel sorta old.
And fat.
Really, really fat.
But I think I'm okay right now.
Just been RPing the best I can.
Finally got my 2nd Crusader up and going.
And I'm posting like mad!
Just need to get a damn Rio Narration!!
Slacking admin!
Cept not really.
He's got so much going on.
I feel totally bad for him.
He totally needs a Hiki Hug.
They are the best hugs.

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[953] (101)
i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know
but i guess nobody else does either so welcome to real life or whatever

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1275 (80)
I have to be honest here.
I think if I wasn't 'doing what I'm supposed to be doing' and 'doing something right in life' that I wouldn't be having these issues that I have experienced in just the last week. 
I know, from past experience, that once I start doing the right things and getting involved in the church I have WAY more problems in life than when I didn't get involved in church stuff as much.
I see the difference between the adversary messing around with me and God testing me and I'm thinking, I'm sure not I know which one I want to live with more....
But the difference is God tests me and then shows me miracles (that I have no idea how to react to cept to take it with a feeble attempt at a thank you) and then the adversary just doesn't put any bumps in my road and I continue down the same mundane path everyday, which for a mostly introvert quiet person that could very nice at times. 
I also have to admit tho, having different trials/problems/anything different in my life is somewhat more exciting. At least its something to talk about.  But the 'no bumps in the road' approach by not exactly doing what I was supposed to be doing was okay for me too. 
But either way you can get tired of it.  You can get tired of the mundane path the adversary wants to keep you in, but you can also get a bit tired of God testing you and then throwing miracles and blessings at you for remaining faithful. 
I've noticed everytime, in the beginning when I first committed to church activities, that I would have pain somewhere on my body, usually headaches, and everytime I went to an activity that pain would disappear while there and return when I got home on occassion.   Little tests like that God gives with blessings to follow. Sometimes it feels frustrating, like someone is messing with me, someone pushing buttons.
Its just frustrating going into something, like reading the Book of Mormon, knowing something is going to break in the next 24 hours cuz you cracked open a book.  But you do it anyway.
I've learned a lot from my mom and her "I dont care about anything" aka lack of emotion/feelings approach in life.  I find myself simply saying "I dont care", well more particularly I perfer to say "It doesn't matter."  Cuz in the long run, all these things I fret about really don't matter.
Sometimes I say I can't go to church or give someone a ride cuz I'm running out of gas in the car.  But then I realize it really doesn't matter whether or not someone else is in the car, you should still go.  I lost my phone down a river and I concluded it really doesn't matter.  No one calls me anyway.  I think I should stay home wiht my dog on Weds instead of a pointless missionary night of knocking on doors where no one answers, but then I think it doesn't matter, either way the dog will do the same thing whether I'm there or not, just laid down and sleep and/or bug me for food.  I make simple stupid excuses like I can't go now cuz I'm late already, but no one cares when you show up.  In fact, they don't care when you leave either, but yeah... I attempt to freak out if I'm cutting myself short on dinner, but it doesn't matter, its just dinner, a cheesestick will tide me over til I get home, no biggy. 

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557 (84)
I have this sudden feeling and need to change my name on the 'D.
From Lady Hikari to Lady Smaug.
There may be a chance to my SIT here soon.
Because I can't help but yell that every ten minutes.

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1274 (66)
My hard drive at work is toast!
And all my back up efforts are futile as I have somehow backed up important information incorrectly.
Gah I feel so stupid.
Gah!  All that information the boss has kept for like 30 years is on that hard drive!
The boss is out of town, he comes back in two days!  What do I do?!
I'm panicking, and if I'm panicking, that means the boss will panick like 10x more than me. He panicks when there isn't a common somewhere sometimes, he panicks when one word is misspelled or something!
I can't tell him I lost everything he's done the past 30 years over the phone while he's with his family. His wife still has to travel many hours back home with him!  I can't do that to her. 
There's going to be so much yelling and so much blame this week.  This is not going to be a good week. 
I called the IT guy and he came over and said my hard drive was fried.  He asked about my back ups and looked and found they were useless cuz I did it wrong. Gah!  He took the CPU/hard drive to his place and used some machine and he called to say he got it up and running long enough to back up everything he could get, so I'm assuming he got most of the information, at least the important information I failed to back up.  So that's good.  Didn't totally lose everything.  Still feel stupid tho. 
I was only worried about Quickbooks and the documents, but he backed up Outlook and other things and I then I freaked out cuz when I did back ups I never thought about backing up Outlook!  I feel so stupid!  Why haven't we joined the cloud like everyone else?!  The first time I'm going to do if I get that information back is back it up correctly!
Speaking of joining this century..... I still had Windows XP which isn't supported anymore so we have to upgrade to Windows 7.  But everything we have, software wise, isn't compatible with 7, so we have to upgrade ALL our software.  So a new CPU, a new hard drive, new operating system to upgrade to 7, new software programs, and hopefully transferring all our old info into the new software doesn't destroy everything.  A pain in the butt for me and like two grand for the boss! 
And I need a computer before he gets back in two days!  He freaks out leaving the office, in his exagerated mindframe "I'll be gone for a week!"  It's four days he's gone.  He freaks out and comes in at like 5am the next day after he returns home.  He bellyaches all day long at how busy he is and can't take phone calls or new clients and yadda yadda and by 11am all his work is done and he has nothing to do and I find him reading the newspaper or something. 
But if he came back and finds my computer is toast and I can't type or use a computer in any way to assist him that day, before he even knows what he needs to do, he'll totally jump the gun and prolly have a stroke.  I swear my goal as an employee is to attempt to keep the boss alive and not let him get stressed enough to have a stroke or heart attack.  Mainly so I can keep an income, but still.... But this is not helping!
So how do I start that conversation when I get ahold of him on his vacation?  "Remember a month or two ago when came in and said my computer still runs XP and I need to upgrade to 7?  And you said yeah yeah whatever, I'll call the IT guy and you never did?  And I said if I didn't upgrade or do something with the computer soon it might just die one day?  And you mumbled something like 'yeah yeah yeah' again. And then I said "Okay, this is just me covering my butt so you can't yell at me when the computer dies." And you nodded nonchantly and went back to reading your paper or something?  You remember that?"
So it was panic time for an hour or two this morning wondering if the IT guy can get anything off my fried hard drive.  I think he got it tho.  I think we are good.  We just have to spend lots of money to upgrade and get a whole new computer basically.  Its more of a pain in the butt for me cuz I have to adjust to the new software and operating system.  More mone to get software for an old program 7 doesn't really work with anymore.  Who does WordPerfect anymore?  Might as well learn Word again if it feels like a total wipeout and redo. 
I just have to call the boss and tell him his computer died and ask for money, like only two grand, so I can attempt to get a new system/computer up and running before he gets back into town.....
Piece of cake.

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1273 - YSA Trip (72)
July 31, Aug 1-2, 2014 YSA Trip to Huntsville/Pineview
Dear Journal,
I think I did that no-no thing where you either aren't very careful for what you pray for and/or you make some type of promise to God and God seems to have this sense of humor that replies, "Oh yeah?  You think so?  Well, let's just test that promise out shall we?" 
I think it was my last entry when I was talking about me being on earth for a different purpose than the normal get married and have children, grandchildren, etc.  And the whole death talk always gets me thinking about the fact the only things I have in this life are possessions and financial gain.  I dont have the normal relationships that others may have other than family, not like my own family relationship, ya know?  Anyways.... Then I started to think about how much I rely on those possessions, my car, my phone, my keys, my TV, my house, etc.  And I think of the anxiety of losing it all or even some of it and think about how petty those thoughts/things are in the grand perspective of things.  I can't take any of those possessions with me in the afterlife.  Only the relationships and knowledge I have gained here on Earth. 
So somehow I came to this conclusion that as long as I had a temple recommend, something eternal, some hope of eternal placement, that He could take any or all of my possessions away and I would remain faithful and rely on Him cuz those things dont mean much in the afterlife. 
Boy, was I asking for it....
"If we wanted to place blame on someone for all the problems we have in our life and be able to kick them in the pants, we wouldn't be able to sit down for days." 
So Friday, Aug 1, when I was up in Huntsville with the YSA ward hanging out a cabin and playing in the Pineview Res and I was attempting to go down a very shallow river, God decided to huck my phone into the river. 
Some of us went to the Pineview Res and did the boating activities while some of us wanted to try out floating the river.  We had two groups and needed someone to bring a phone in each group to call for a ride back home once we got out of the river.  I didnt know someone else planned on bringing their phone so I put mine in two plastic sandwhich bags and put it in my pocket.
Unfortunately for me mostly, the river was really shallow.  Lots of slimy rocks you can't keep balance on but your but slides over them none the less.  Where we got in was a lot faster than it looked and I fell in. The first time I fell in and I lost everything in my pockets.  Then I was playing catch up with my tube and simply ended up flopping down a swallow river being scrapped up the rocks.  I finally caught up to my tube and found a spot that wasn't so fast in the river and climbed out.  Scraps on my knees from being dragged, panic arising in my chest from losing my phone, panic of the river taking my control away from me, and relief I got my tube and got out.  All overwhelming.  And totally sucked.
I was done after that.  Done for the day.  Done with activities.  Just done. 
Three others continued down the river after a very short and hopeless search for my phone and two of us girls that had the most trouble in the fast, shallow river went back to the cabin.  Lara eventually went down to the beach/res and played on the boat.  But I didnt feel like it.  I had stubbed my toe a couple weeks ago at the reunion and it was so swollen and sore and sliding around in that river on those rocks I stubbed that toe again and it throbbed.  So I took a shower to get the icky from the river off me, grabbed some ice and iced my toe and knees and eventually fell asleep.  Surprisingly I fell asleep with my mind going a million miles thinking about my phone and what I was going to do. 
I felt much better after the nap tho.  I had a plan in my head.  I wasn't freaking out.  I really wasn't freaking out for some reason.  This is the first time I lost a phone.  I mean seriously I have never lost or broken a phone since 2006 when Dad gave me my first phone.  I take super good care of my ohones, enough they can last for 3 years like my last phone did. And I took it very well when I lost this one and was very calm about it somehow.  
I borrowed a phone and called my dad and I said on a whim that if someone found it they'd prolly call him or mom and to be on the look out for numbers they dont recognize.  I told them I'd call them back later to see if they heard anything.  I said I'd give it the weekend for someone to find and then I'll have to activate my old phone and consider stealing Dads upgrade opportunity in Sept, knowing all this would cost me an arm and a leg. I have no insurance or warranty on the phone. 
I seroiusly had no hope someone would find it.  That river was too fast.  It doesn't look it, but it was.  I didn't even call my parents back that night to check.  I was trying to convince myself to call them before I left the cabin the next day.  It was just convienent, curiousity and boredom that I did call that Sat around 10:30am just after packing up to go and getting ready to go to the Ogden Temple Open House that I called. 
And sure enough Dad said someone called and found it.  Mom gave me the info of what campground they were at, said they were packing up to leave that morning, and a phone number.  I called the phone number on someone elses phone and left a message. Then someone had the idea of calling the campground site/ranger and came up with the phone number so I took his phone and called and they said the group that found my phone was still at the campsite.  woohoo! So I raced up the canyon to the campground to get my phone about 11am!  Found out it was a girls camp that had found my phone.  Juss happened to look and see, prolly saw the pink or white and picked it up.
And amazingly!  The two plastic bags kept my phone dry and it was still working!  The girls group was amazed too.  "Hey, it still works."   ohmygoodness.
Many many miracles and a lesson learned of one night without a cell phone.  Someone finding it period was a miracle, second of all it still worked with my pathetic plan of 'waterproofing' it, and then me and them still being around that same day so I could come get it from them.  All miracles. 
Needless to say, I can't really say I had fun on the ward trip.  If I wasn't panicked and stressed about my phone with no one who really cared, I was bored.  Simply bored.  For a cabin with activities and like 50-60 young singles, there was nothing to do.  They did volleyball and tetherball, which I dont do.  They had some type of bean bags you throw into a hole game that I played a couple of times, a couple of times by myself.  They had nintendo, Wii, and Guitar Hero games to play upstairs but that was usually occupied by the group of boys that made upstairs their home.  They had a massage chair I sat in most of the time and watched the boys play.  They had a TV almost as big as the wall downstairs which no one used, until I got bored enough I put a movie in and watched.  They had a hot tub which was only used at dark and everyone used it, esp after the long day boating and stuff.  I totally lost my appetite when I lost my phone so I wasn't even eating to get rid of boredom.  I found myself playing solitare on my old phone and wishing I had my book on my pink phone to read.  I just started it on that trip on Thurs night when I got there cuz I was bored on night one, and Fri night I didnt have my phone or anything to entertain me. Boo. 
I was tired from lack of sleep.  Those kids dont go to bed until midnight, some stayed up til 2, and others stayed up til like 5am.  I was tired from the panick and stress I felt.  I was sore and hurt with my knees and toe still stinging and throbbing.  I was bored and didn't want to eat anything for like a day and a half.  And I didnt want to hear the less than sincere apologies for me losing my phone. There was like 50-60 singles there in that cabin and every single one of them had a phone and I'm sure not one really thought about how they would feel if they lost it down a river. (I wanted to take one of the many phones on the counter and hide it and see someone elses misery, mwhaha! But I didn't) As if I didn't feel stupid enough. I was drained and just wanted to go home.  The only reason I stayed was cuz I wanted to see the Ogden Temple and that was the very last activity on this ward trip.  So I stuck around. 
But then I got my phone back AND I got to go to the temple!  Couldn't get better than that!
The temple was amazing and beautiful, amazingly beautiful.  A much better design than the old temple they had.  I wonder if they will rethink the Provo temple now which was built similar.  We went to Farr's ice cream afterward.  How can you not go to Farr's after the temple in Ogden? My phone wouldn't stop ringing and texting of everyone trying to get ahold of me.  But I got it quiet enough to go through the temple. I scarfed down huckleberry and raspberry cheesecake ice cream with a cone.  It was my lunch.  I missed lunch at the cabin cuz I was getting my phone up the canyon.  I made it back just in time to head to the temple.
Then I carried on using my phone.  I can't look at my phone now every once in awhile and think "amazing" or "crazy"  its crazy that I still have you.  And its crazy that no one tried to contact me until today when I had it back.  Its all just insane.  A miracle,a bunch of miracles actually. 
I went up to Mindys in Brigham and talked her ear off and ate her food. Then I went down to Gmas and got my dog and ended up talking to Gma and Claine for hours as Claine browsed through houses he's interested in seeing/buying.  Apparently Claine can stay in the state for another year so he thinks that warrants buying a house. 
I finally got my dog and myself back home around 10:30pm that night and crashed.
All is well again. 
And I prolly brought it all on myself too. 

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We Built Mountains (102)
I don’t want to look back. I’d rather have a gold-framed painting of those mountains on a wall in the back of my mind next to the old photographs and composition books. All the history, it’s history now. I want new memories, new feelings, new ways for you to look at me and for me to suffer through my stumbling awkwardness that brings all of this (I move my hands motioning to my body) to a screeching halt and leaves me standing in Can’t Say What I Want To Say City, population me. 
But we’ve got the rest of our lives for that. 
I’m 26. 

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Cleanse (90)
I took an acid bath. I washed the skin from my bones and got down to the core, what really matters most. I don’t talk about this, I don’t talk about that, I just talk about fantasy, sometimes. Sometimes I wish my dreams lasted longer and I didn’t have to get up. It’s not helpful, it’s not healthy, it’s normal, at least I think. It’s hard to be strong, on the inside. I’m like a cardboard box trying to be a chair; it’s not what I’m made for. But I can begin again, I can be recycled. I’ll be given a new job, a new purpose, a new chance. 

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