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What's New At Sitdiary?
Spring Cleaning Apr 17, 2014

After moving hosts a while back, apparently a few things got neglected, so I took it upon myself to get stuff working again. As it turns out, it was nothing crazy, but so far I've fixed:

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As always, my goal is to bring the back-end code for Sitdiary up to snuff, but for now -- at least stuff works.






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Recent Posts

the light (4)
curtains were hung and no light shone through. silence. finally. it was then that i understood what everyone has been saying. we all have a light and we do what we want with that energy. i finally get it. i closed my eyes and focused on my breathing, thoughts flooded my mind. instead of running and numbing i asked why. all the answers i've been in search of were within me all along.
i get it.
embrace the visions, the feelings, and explore what's going on around yourself but do not become lost in other people's lives. remember to ask yourself why; become curious about why you do the things you do. you deserve to be at peace, to play, to learn, love and to be loved. put in the work first-find the answers for yourself.
i love me. i forgive me. i will forgive those that have hurt me. i will ask for forgiveness and will plan to not repeat mistakes from the past. i will be mindful of myself. i forgive me. i forgive me. i forgive me.

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[123] Been My Home (8)
I'm so angry right now.
My grandmother, after promising to NOT move my cousin in here, agreed to let her move in.
I don't want to deal with this bullshit and I do not need the stress. I'm tired of everyone giving in and letting her make a mess of her life and always being there to catch her when she falls - thus NEVER letting her learn her lesson.
I don't understand.
I don't understand how she received all of the tools needed for life on a silver plattered, squandered them, and everyone just acts like it's no big deal and treats her like a damn victim.
I can't live with her. I did it once and itwasn't a good situation. I do not want to deal with her and become a built in babysitter / endure her abusing her child. I can't handle this bullshit anymore.
Now I have to move AGAIN in less than two months because everyone in my family is so damn unreliable.

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1350 (76)
That feeling of
being in a room full of people
and feeling so utterly alone 
has come back again
sometimes I'd rather actually be alone
than feel alone

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1349 (42)
I got the same two lessons in a row.
I think God is trying to tell me something.
And the subject of food should not be this stressful. 
God bless this mess. 

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[122] Do You Have a Pulse? (17)
I'm going to try and blog more...it helps me clear my mind and relax. There's something theraputic about typing what you think and seeing the words in front of you.
I don't know what to do with my life currently.
I need to come out with more books but my muse is being silent. Every time I go to write nothing comes out and it's just...blankness. I don't know why but it's distressing.
I've been hacking games like editing/changing things and making new scripts in an attempt to make a new version - which is fun and time consuming, but I can't spend hours on it like I used to. I just do it for 20-30 minute bursts...and then I do something else.
I've been watching Merlin and that takes my mind off of my issues, at least until the credits roll so I've begun to chain watch episodes which does help...but also wastes my day.
I can't get a job until July. I'm moving around too much and can't put any roots down until I have a more stable living situation.
The one thing I want to do - I want to open a bakery or work in a bakery. I love to cook - I love everything about it but I don't have credit, can't get business loans, etc. so that's not going to happen. I just hate how complicated life is sometimes.
The only thing that's keeping me going is that the game con I'm going to looms close and I'll see my friends again. I'm so glad we saved up all the money and payed everything off before shit went to hell. Oh, and Icon For Hire put out new music. That's helpful, too.
I miss my friends - especially Jordan and Ashe. I can't wait to see them. 

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I'm back, bitches! (38)
Guys. I finally remembered my password. YES.

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1348 (50)
"The past is my experience
The present my responsibility
And the future my challenge."
-Joseph Forkpah
I think I need "Bless this mess" stamped on me.

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Dear Gary Fan 335 (30)
I've dated my beloved for almost 9 months now, and I truly believe he's the man of my dreams and beyond. With his flaws and all, he's perfect to me. He's gone through such rough times and all I want to do is take those times away. And when I make him smile, for a split second I accomplish my goal. He's my love, my everything. I just hope he knows I want him to be my future too. 

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w o w (114)
I haven't been here in a long time.

I love how Scott keeps saving Sitdiary. I remember leaving to use Blogger & Wordpress, but feeling pretty damn nostalgic so I tried to do light entries here. The domain was down because he was having difficulties with... something? Maybe I got that last part entirely skewed. All I know is that here we are. Phew. Still here. Remember when the url was diaries.suchisthis? For the last 10 minutes I've been going back in my entries and reminiscing all of my "art", thoughts, wants, fuck ups , and relationships. Funny story, that friend I used to mention here and there (Cory), we got married in 2012. Yeah, dreams do come true! lolz . It's weird and magical how things work out.
I see that I talked about smoking a lot previously. I "quit" smoking weed around a year/two ago. The last time I smoked I had a panic attack in the bathroom at work that morning. I've been going through a lot of things mentally for the past 5 years or so. It wasn't my first panic attack, but it the was the first in a long time. Started to get depressed. I remember going home and calling up my drug dealer J.R.(who you can never call your friend) and practically begging him to sell me something- a fucking joint at least, maybe not my usual ounce. I had previously talked to him about how I got back with my ex and we fell in love, got married. I told him how Cory didn't smoke so I told myself I would quit smoking. Get this: after I got off work and called J.R. he started a moral tirade of how you need to stay truthful to your spouse. True . I couldn't deny that, but I still asked, " A joint dude. A fucking joint. How are you going to have morals as a fucking drug dealer?" So the drug dealer with morals dropped his ethical act for a few minutes to meet with me. 
When I got the joint back to my place I went into the kitchen and opened the window. I'm 5' and the kitchen windows started around 5'5" so I had to climb on a step stool to unlatch them. So there I am on a fucking stool lighting my last joint. We got to this point because of a panic attack, I kept telling myself. I propped one elbow on the window sill and my hand under my chin. I probably looked like a sad miserable fuck, but the smoke trails were calming. At that time in my life, weed was a "therapy" of sorts. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed every last pull. When Cory got home I told him what I had done. You know what? He was ok with it. 
The house I just mentioned was part of historical downtown right smack in the heart of the city. It was the lowest rent I have ever paid. It was built in 1890 as a duplex. So when you walk in using the glass front door you're in the foyer and door 1 is to the left and door 2 is at the right side. (Side note: I bought pizza one time and when the delivery guy came he kept looking at the other door and finally said, "I keep expecting someone to pop out of this door.") When you enter our side of the house you're in the living room. You go through another door to the right and that's the bedroom. Go through a door and there is the kitchen. Go through a door and there is the bathroom... at the end of everything. For someone to use the restroom they had to go through our bedroom and kitchen. I loved it. In older homes they are built with such character. High ceilings and so many windows to let natural light in.
Right now we are renting a townhome twice the size of that downtown home. It's closer to Cory's job. We're saving up for a home right now. I'm trying to get a 20% downpayment and do the logical things. I have a few friends who bought homes in the past 2 years and have put anywhere from 5-10%. There is a running joke in my circle of friends saying that when it comes time to buy, we will probably be able to buy it in cash. Fuck me, right? And there's another thing happening right now- lots of people getting pregnant. For some, baby #2 is coming around. For me, I have 2 cats. Ha. My sister just had a baby boy in May. I was equally thrilled and scared holding him as he was just 5 days old when I was able to visit them. Cory doesn't want children. I don't need children. I'm pretty complacent right now with my life. I started seeing a therapist a year ago. Shit really helps like they said it does.
See, the hardest part about therapy is the very first fucking step: getting up and actually going. I had to make that effort myself. Cory suggested I see one years ago although he never pressured me. I eventually bucked up and did it. I have anxiety and depression. I don't know if the fucked up part is actually hearing what's "wrong" with you finally after years of wondering or... hoping that you were wrong. Guess what? Intuition is a bitch. We started with therapy first. I told myself I never wanted to take medication.  So 9 months into therapy I felt like I couldn't make myself change. I still had thoughts that I felt like I shouldn't/didn't want to be having. I felt like I was trying so hard and yet I still couldn't feel "normal." My doctor prescribed 10mg of Lexapro in early September of last year. I struggled with the fact that I had to take meds to be a functioning human being. By early December I was taking 15mg. In January of this year I started taking 20mg. Then in the beginning of March I asked to go back down to 10mg gradually. My sister had a baby in May so I had to buy tickets to go up north for 8 days...
Our flight was at 6am that morning so we got up at 3:30am. I usually try to take my meds anywhere from 7:00-8:00am. Guess who forgot to take them at 7 in the haze of rushing to the airport? Yeah. FML. No big deal, I told myself. (See? Behavioral cognitive therapy was working. Don't panic.) We were to arrive at our layover in DC by 8. Once we got there I searched through my carry-on luggage semi-frantically. I couldn't find my fucking pills anywhere. Yeah. FML again. For the first time in over half a year I would not be taking medication continuously. 8 days. 8 days in a row. That's 1 day over a week. I mentally braced myself knowing that when I went from 20 to 10mg it wasn't that bad although it was still a struggle. Then again, it was a gradual progression. This was going to be a week of fucking nothing. The struggle was so real.
The crazy part was that when we got back from vacation I didn't feel like calling my doctor or therapist. I had been wanting to get off of meds in March, but knew it had to be a slow ordeal. I've pretty much stopped taking Lexapro now. It's been 5 weeks since that incident. At first I found it hard to fall asleep, but I'm back to feeling slightly normal again. I haven't told Cory that I stopped taking my meds. I felt like I was only showing withdrawal symptoms for the first 2 weeks. I can't imagine going from 20mg to nothing. Anyway, I'm still seeing my therapist every now and then. I can't commit to a weekly schedule. I try to go every 2 weeks now. It's something.
Ugh. I love how diaries evoke the most drama shit in your life. Other than obviously grown up shit, everything is going great. Seriously. Til next time... next month... or year. 

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1347 (111)
Downward spiral.
I have to get out of my head.
I have to catch myself before I fall deeper in these thoughts.
People who are not single tend to use the word "lonely" when describing us singles.
But there's so much that encompasses that word.  It doesn't seem adequate. 
Its the awful facts of being stuck in the same group of people for years because we all bought houses around here. 
Its the terrible truth that no matter how many years we are stuck around each other nothing is going to change on the 'friend' scale between us
Its the horrible truth that if one of us just happened to disappear no one would notice
Its the sad reality that our pets are our life line, the ones who truly understand us, the ones who would notice if we disappeared, so when they pass its a earth shattering kind of loneliness and others without a tie to animals have no idea what its like
Its the shocking truth no matter how old you get your crush is not going to notice you exist no matter how much you think about them, that is until they move away and disappear, and even the next crush you inevitably find won't notice your flirtations or advances 
Its the unpleasant facts that it is still a high turn over rate in a singles group as others buy houses elsewhere
Its the poor veracity that its hard to make friends in the first place and then find them leaving
Its the horrible assumption of tasks being thrown your way simply because 'you are single and stable and can handle it'
The lack of deep conversations about life 
The lack of physical contact with human beings
It all feels suffocating at times 
The sad fact there is no one to tell this too cept my journal that no one reads...

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[121] Any Moment (27)
So today marks the first day of change and turning my life into a positive direction.
I started a new diet today where I'm monitoring everything I eat and portioning correctly. If it goes well, I hope to lose 35lbs by the end of this year. I want to get fit and healthy.
 I'm also going to be writing more. It'll have been a year since my last release and that's not how it should be. I should be releasing novels yearly.
And exercise, too, btw on that getting fit/healthy front.
I just want to take steps in the right direction to be happy - to make myself happier.
On that note, I've also gone to the doctors to get a minor operation that I should have gotten when I was younger but never did - that's scheduled for August. And I'm also getting my anxiety meds back because I feel like I need them until the end of the year, anyway.
Wish me luck. 

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1346 (60)
Happy Birfday to my baby Paul!
One year older and in so much more trouble!
Them babies dont stay babies very long in that family.
They quickly jump to toddlers and act like toddlers almost 9 months after they born, or less in some cases. 
Dal's babies tend to stay babies for a while.... I still got my baby Maggie for now. 
She turns one this month too!
And then Nicholas turns one! 
Lots of one years old crawling around, or in Pauls case, running around.
Paul seemed to hop to life a little bit quicker than the other two born the same month/year as him. 
Maggie crawls and maybe stands while holding things, sometimes she lets go.
Nicky crawls doesn't feel the need to stand on his own and still holds onto things. 
But Maggie and Nicky are kinda still big chunks.  Little fat cheeks and fat rolls of cuteness. 
Paul, on the other hand, is a tall skinny little twig. 
I took a pic of him on his kitchen floor once and I keep looking at it marveling how long his legs are. 
How does my sister get tall kids?  
Maylee amazed me like that too.  I should be used to it by now.
Can't believe its been one year already... 

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[120] Room For Me (16)
Things are a bit brighter but not much.
Grandmother is reverting back to her old self...and it barely took a week. I have to be strong because we're stuck here for a few months. I can be strong. I survived 17 years of this I can endure 3 months. Ugh.
On a lighter note I have Internet back so I can play WoW again.
I'm excited about the recent con I have coming up (I already paid for it before the whole house losing thing so shh) it'll be nice to see my friends/family again.

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relapse (20)
i was doing so well.

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1345 (29)
A month plus later my sister mails me a bday gift. 
She agonized over this since I left for Europe, you can tell.
She finally made a decision on what to get me.
I love packages.  I love presents.  I dont care if its late.  I can get packages/presents/surprises in the mail all year long and call it my bday, I dont care.  I love it.
She gave me a box full of nuts, a variety of course, but all nuts. 
I hate nuts.  Of any kind.
My hatred of nuts is almost as obvious as if I were allergic. 
I'm glad it was mailed so my sister didn't see my face when I opened it.
Sometimes I just want to scream at my family, "It's like you people don't know me at all!"
She's the kind of gift giver that gives things SHE would like or would want to try out, sometimes uses her gifts as ginuea pig ideas on others before she does it... 
But alas, I stick to my statement.  I dont care. I like packages. I like being thought of.  I like that people put the effort into things for me.  So I'm okay with it. 
I just had to have a little tantrum about my invisibility and/or lack of any of my family members knowing me and what I like or do not like. 
I bet Grandma would remember I dont like nuts.  I bet I could tell her my sister gave me a box of nuts and I probably wouldn't have to even give her an 'ew' look and she'd say almost immediately "But you dont like nuts." in her soft and careful voice. And then I'd shout to the heavens, "Thank goodness my grandmother knows me!  Someone in my family knows this about me!" 
With that being said....
I've eaten like three packages of the different variaties of nuts...almonds, cashews, peanuts...
And I kinda like them
Either that or I've been starving whenever I pull them out...
The varieties are so different and mixed with fruit and flavors that its not too nutty after all
Sometimes my sisters weird ideas of things to do/try aren't so bad...
Sometimes it just takes a little faith.  And of course, things dont work out until I get over my attitude and tantrums and just say "Okay" and try it out anyway.  And then I find it isn't so bad. 
I love mah sister. 

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[119] So Much Pressure (14)
So the last month has made for a LOT of character building.
To recap:
My fiance and myself both lost our jobs in an inopportune time. You'd think this would be fine, given that we were staying with friends until we saved up enough money for our house...but no, that was not the case.
A few small things happened and my once best friend, is now my best friend no longer. She couldn't cope with the stress of living with more people and so instead of talking things out with us - decided she no longer wanted us to live there so I we got a truck and left immediately (only 20 days after living there...yeah) needless to say we're not friends any longer. Fuck her.
We tried to stay with Anthony's dad but his dad is an asshole who isn't supportive of our relationship and thus didn't want me staying there also. I guess he didn't want too much gay in one house.
So now we're at my grandmother's house currently...the house I grew up in which caused me a lot of mental damage - most of which I've worked through, but it still adds a bit of emotional anguish.
We're now forced to put a whole life of stuff in just a single room and deal with other misc. stressful things. The only good thing I can say is that we're still together.
We're both looking for something good so we can get out ASAP. I just hope my sanity lasts long enough. 

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Untitled (69)
Just to be clear my doctor put me on a new antidepressant last week. I'd tried out another before it for a minute -and to be fair it worked great- but the side effects were a little too much for me. Because of all this though, my emotional stability is a wreck. I've never sympathized so much with crazy people.

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Untitled (22)
I know I've already written today.
I don't want the last entry to be so exposed. It feels like the monster, the other side of who I am. I am ashamed and proud of the monster. As I am with all of myself.
I had a though about what our love is like...
It's like facing two mirrors against each other. And then attempting to fix the image in the middle.

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1344 (110)
I've got plenty of people to do things with
and people to talk to
What I'm looking for is someone I can be with
and do nothing with
Some peoples lack of faith is exhausting

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morbid and persistent thoughts (98)
I get antsy when I think about the fact that I have not yet contribute anything to society or the world at large. It stings more and more the older I get. #27 #27club

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X (37)
I do not want to submit to this capitalism
But I do and do and do
Social capitalism, socialist capitalism, exile and ostracism
You are standing at a railway switch on a platform. A train is coming. It is quickly approaching five people standing on the track. As you realize that you can divert the train, a person falls on the other track. The train will certainly kill anyone it hits. Do you pull the switch?
You are standing at a railway switch on a platform. A train is coming. It is quickly approaching five people. They will each lose a toe, and could die. If you pull the switch, a person on the other platform will lose two arms, and you aren't sure if they'll survive. Do you pull the switch?
The five people are children, the one person is elderly.
The five people are all fat.
The one person is an infant.
The one person is disabled.
The five people are republicans.
The one person is your mother.
The five people are on your daughter's soccer team.
It is illegal to use a railway switch without being licensed and employed by the railroad.
You are one of the five.
It's now 5 vs 10 people (5 with using the switch). You are one of the five.
The one is you.
The one is you.
The one is you.

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[117] Stuck in my Heart (58)
Hey readers/my future self -
I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long. Life has been hectic and unkind, which isn't an excuse, I know...but still. Shit happens.
 So spring break was awesome/kinda. I had my friends Scott, Ashe, Tru, and Kyle over. I don't get to see them very much and it was pretty nice to have an entire week with them. However...(and I should have thought of this beforehand) they didn't have spring break the same days so I ended up having guests over my house for three solid weeks straight.
Yeah...no me gusta.
It was fine for the first two weeks but by the third week my anxiety was kicking in and I just wanted my house free of people and empty.
Speaking of empty houses...I'm moving! Anthony and I are going to be purchasing our own actual house (read: NOT an apartment) so we're going to be staying with friends for a few months while we look. And I realize this contridicts my above statement about wanting to be alone but my friends I'm going to stay with are NOT intrusive and we're getting what amounts to a whole daughter home to ourselves...so it shouldn't be a problem.
On good notes - we booked the tickets/hotels for both of the cons we're going to this year. So that's amazing. And we got back into WoW...so there goes all my free time.
I need a life. 

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remedy (47)
the dreams are starting up again. it's all becoming too much. the doubts within me have so much weight. I'm having trouble breathing, I can't move. i can hear movement outside. i am not afraid.

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1340 (257)
" It's been a long day without you, my friend
And I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
We've come a long way from where we began
Oh, I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again
I know we love to hit the road and laugh
But something told me it wouldn't last
Had to switch up
Look at things different see the bigger picture
Those were the days 
Hard work forever pays
Now I see you in a better place
How could we not talk about family when family's all that we got?
Everything I went through you were standing there by my side
And now you are gonna be with my for the last ride
So let the light guide your way, yeah
Hold every memory as you go
And every road you take will always lead you home "
It's been a long day without you, Max, my friend
I'll tell you all about it when I see you again
When I see you again 
Sometimes I wish I had someone at home to tell about my long day

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dry (50)
i pick at the skin of my thumbs and sometimes i tear at the skin that surrounds my other nails. they're so dry. it feels good to rip it off and see the blood. any time i'm cooking or washing my hands i feel that burn and it puts me at ease. for a second or two, depending on the liquid, the stinging feeling puts me on my toes and i imagine my body secretes chemicals to relax my state. there's a fire in me; i control the site of pain.
when i went to have my wisdom teeth extracted, once under the gas i felt so free. i could hear and feel the metal instruments grind against my other teeth. i never wanted to come to. i was ready to endure the consequences. it disturbs me, all of this.
what i would really like to do now is staple my wrist to the desk. i hear someone working on drilling something into a wall. i'm imagining what it would look like to run the drill through my arm into the desk. i hear an instructor talking about blood spill procedures. the irony, right?

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[116] Too Far Gone (78)
Spring Break officially started a few days ago.
And guess what? Today one of my best friends in the entire world Ashe is coming to visit. FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK! AHHH.
Total happiness time. ^.^ 

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167. (152)
I'd like to think that I am fairly good at respecting most people's opinions regarding many things, but lately...political opinions have been getting me fired up. I never discuss my opinions with others, so I end up walking in circle around my house...flailing my arms...and ranting about my opinions out loud.
Im sorry, but I cannot believe there are people out there that even think that TRUMP would be a good president. I cannot believe that people are not seeing how much hate he is spewing and how much he will fuck up everything. My heart hurts for all the minorities that are in fear for if he becomes president. White people, including myself, WILL NEVER understand what minorities have had to go through and the fact that people want to elect a leader that outrightly spews racist and prejudice ideas and opinions..disgusts me.
What is going on with this world...? :(

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1339 (97)
I can't stop singing Little Einsteins theme song since I booked plane tickets across the ocean. 
Don't ask me why I know Little Einsteins theme song....
"We are going on a trip!
In our favorite rocket ship!!!
Zooming through the sky!
.....little einsteins....
Climb aboard, getting ready to explore
There's so much to find 
.....little einsteins....
We are going on a mission!
Start the count down 5-4-3-2-1
Everyone to rocket, rev it up now"

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1337 (66)
This day a year ago I made the decision to put my dog down.
I miss you Max.
But with plans to do things on my bucket list this year...
for the first time since you left me...
I think I feel truly happy. 

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Untitled (152)
A therapist told me to write down what I'm thinking. I'm thinking I'm incredibly numb. The truth is I'm absolutely paralized by fear. I can't seam to do anything at all. And all I want to do is fling myself from somewhere everyone can see me. Have everyone either catch me, or be forced to recon with the idea that their inaction lead to my pain. I want to be caugh, to be rescued. 
But the truth is that the only person to rescue me will be myself.
And I just can't seam to.
I spend most days wishing I could just lift the giant imperceptible blanket of worry that has me so very stuck and DO ANYTHING. I usually succceed for about an hour of the twelve I spend trying. But I never do any of the things that are supposed to make my life better in my own head. The story I write for myself is that even if I do them their wont be any one who recieves me. No one will buy my art. No one will watch a video with me in it. It's not that no one cares. Its that I feel so very invisible. Like no one can see me.
So why bother trying to mime? Why jump and rant and make a fuss? Why work, when it wont make a difference anyway?

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[115] Bruised and Battle Scarred (69)
I don't know why I still care.
I truly don't. 
But I need to stop. It's irrelevant now.

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[114] Will Fade (61)
Yeah, another long time between updates. Hell, at this rate I'll be happy if I manage to do an update once a month...sorry. :P
So I've been working three/four days at the job with slightly extended hours. I've been making more money than I've ever made in my life just working those minimal hours so I can't complain (too much)
The only thing that really bothers me about the place is that the clients are really annoying - like seriously annoying. Some are rude, some overstep boundaries, and others are just so damn ignorant I wonder how they can function properly.
Aside from that, everything is fine on that front.
My Xena collection has been progressing really nicely - oh I didn't mention that, but yeah, I've started a Xena Warrior Princess memorabilia collection last month! I have almost over 70 items. So yeah. The new job money is helping with that...it's nice to have extra! Finally.
I have a bunch of friends from online coming to visit me in a few days...so the next two days will be spent scrambling and getting ready. The OCD/Anxietic in me needs everything to be absolutely perfect before they come here. I don't want them thinking poorly of me or anything...though I know deep down they won't because they care about me a lot.
That's new. Friends who actually care.
Oh, and my aunt had the baby! He's so adorable and so tiny. She took pictures of me and him today when I went over there for a haircut. I didn't initially like the way she cut it (I told her whatever) but I'm feeling it now. It's sort of a psuedo faux hawk type of thing. Whatever that means. :P
The only other thing I can say is that I'm really pushing to get my GED/Diploma soon. I want to go to college in the fall and I'm pressed for time. 

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Untitled (98)
I finished the Secret Life of Walter Mitty.
I tryed to stop thinking.
I found some other inspiration to get up off my ass and do something.
And I feel the pull to fly. But I can't seam to find the wings I used to soar. Like Icarus didn't die. He just fell to earth and only had a love of the air. Crippled by some imperseptible homesicknesses that he didn't know how to cure.
I wish I knew what flying was for me.
I wish I could just find home.
Writing feels good. But it also feels incomplete. Its a sort of different kind of numb. I wish I could spend all day in a different kind of numb until someone thought my numb was beautiful and hung me out where all the world could see. I wish I could connect with everyone. I could stop and say I feel everything you feel. I'm so in pain, and so in love, and loss, and beauty. I wish I could just find a way to sit and say that. But I think the only time I ever hear that is when I'm stairing at a blank canvas. (that would be my modern art). Its not the the canvas has anything to say. Its that the canvas is listening. And perhaps thats the most beautiful thing in the world.

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Breathless (655)
Before I would think.. if our divorce is inevitable  then I want it to happen as  soon as possible. Now it's not "if", it's "when".. and waiting is just excruciating.  I know it's coming. It's like watching a bullet in slow motion. Just hit me. Let me bleed out. And then be reborn and move on. But as it is, I'm just trying and failing over and over. Subtly and silently but failing all the same. Right now it doesn't feel real. But there are moments when everything hits me all at once and I have this haunting feeling.. like I'm floating and completely out of control.. like I'm not me.. like I'm not real. Idk how to explain it. It's not that easy and I've never been smart enough to explain such complex feelings. And this is unlike anything I've ever known.
Sometimes, it's okay. We both met other people. And it was so unexpected But a friendship turned into max and i. And it's not just someone. Inot so many ways I've never felt like this. It's not perfect, there's problems we've had to experience, inevitable due to our circumstances and unnecessary due to well.. the effect of those circumstances I suppose. It's affected us both in different ways and thats caused us to act ways we normally wouldnt. And we've had to find ways to cope with that in ourselves and in each other. It was hard. But we'recloser than ever... our communication is a lot better. And we both are crazy about each other.  He makes me feel beautiful and needed. He is passionate. Talkative. Sexy. Smart. Funny. Unique. 
But sometimes. I feel so.. married. Even though we've been separated over a year.in some ways over a year and a half. That's so long. And throughout a lot of that time, especiallyat the end, I felt very single. It's hard to know what to do when I feel like that. Do i speed up or slow down.. not my relationship with max.. but my divorce. Is that even a question really?  It's happening. 
Tim says to just keep moving forward. That's what he's doing anyways. And I will too. Sometimes it just feels strange. Like I'm not me. Like this is all happening to someone else in some alternate universe and real me is off in reality where things make sense. 
But just because things don't make sense doesn't mean I'm not happy. I am. I am so completely heart broken over my divorce and how things happened. Disappointed beyond words at myself. So many things . But I also feel guilty. For also being happy. For meeting max and falling in love. For feeling this way. 

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1336 (122)
Why, you may ask, would a single adult like myself want to go on a vacation with my parents?
Because I can.
Because both my parents are still alive and healthy enough to travel.
My best friend would give anything to have her father back.  To be able to do -anything- with him, just to have a little time with him again.  
Because my dad lived there in the 70's for two years and wanted to go back and visit.
Because I want these memories.
Because when they leave me either by their own mind failing or physically, I can still have these memories. 
Because my parents stuck it out together all these years, they didn't ditch us kids, didn't choose another lover, drugs or money over us, thus allowing us to have this oppotunity together.
Because they chose me.
And I choose them.
Because I love them. 

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moving on (70)
this week i was asked to apply for a job; my bf's friend that had met me several months ago remembered me. it all happened so fast. tomorrow i'm going to call my supervisor and let her know, monday i'll let everyone else know it's my last day. i did feel welcomed for a bit, it's not worth it. i don't want to be under someone like that; i'm not a tool. when i'm ready i'll share more haha. i learned so much at this last job; kids are so bright and sensitive-genuine and if you give them the respect you would give adults(appreciate their differences and work with their temperament) they're fantastic to work with. the adults ahaha man, all i can say is look out for #1, you. that's what they're all doing. i'm actually sleepy. night.

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Untitled (137)
Im not supposed to be.. things are supposed to be terrible and hard and complicated and miserable.. and in many ways they are.. but right now in this moment.. aftet a night like this and every moment when he looks at me the way he does... I'm happy. So happy.
I look at him and know we're meant to be together. That everything I've done before now had to be to bring me to this place. A place of uncomprehensible joy. 
I look at him and know how lucky I am. He doesn't know what he does to me. He doesn't understand how much he means to me. He doesn't get how much I love him. In such a short time. Not really that short. We were friends first. We've been good friends. Best friends. In love. We've been through so much already but I know we can get through anything... because we both refuse to give up on.each other. We both want to try. 
I could say a lot. But I'm sort of sleepy and I'd rather cuddle with him.right now. I just had to say it.

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[113] Starts to Snow (84)
Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Life hasn't been too kind!
I've been working a lot more at my job and they're trying to extend my hours...which I'm on the fence about. On the one hand, more money is awesome but on the other, I like sleep and free time. It's a hard decision. Anthony's job situation isn't going too well so I may need to take on more hours if he doesn't find something else soon...i donno.
My aunt's baby shower was last weekend. It was pretty awesome aside from some family drama from her daughter's friend - tl;dr: accusing a guy of rape because he flirted with you is stupid and bad, m'kay?
I'm so excited for my new cousin to be born already. I can't wait to babysit, play with him, feed him, ahhhhh! all of it. I love babies. They're so cute and I just love being around them. They make me so happy.
My first paycheck was pretty nice. Plus our yearly money came in so I'm spending tonight browsing Amazon to buy new shiny things. Yeah, first world problems blah. 

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1335 (99)
I sit at the computer and stare at the flight confirmation.
I can't believe this is really happening.
My anxiety is through the roof.
I've been thinking about this moment since 2007 probably.
It's finally here.
I'm going across the ocean to England.
Another thing to cross off my bucket list.
I have no idea what I'm doing. 
I have no plans. 
I just want to see another country in my lifetime. 
I'm going for my birthday.  I'll turn 28 in England. 
I guess we all get something we've wanted for a long time this year.
My brother after all his 6 years of schooling and applications finally got his dream job.
Not sure what my other brother gets this year....
I finally get to go across an ocean/to another country, that was probably about 27 years in the making, if not at least the last 10 years.  I think Mom wants to see another country too.  Oh lets just face it, we just want to use our passports!  
My sister finally gets to take a vacation/go with her hubby when he leaves for Hawaii this time after about 6 years of watching him head out without her to where ever. 
My brother-in-law finally gets out of the Army this year.  I'm not sure this was a goal he wants achieve, but I think the 6 years of inconsistency that is our government is wearing on him and his family will appreciate the end of that spontaneous stint. 
And Dad gets to go visit his old mission area again after like 40 years.
Now we're really living.
"A moment like this
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this
Some people search forever for that one special kiss (trip)
Oh, I can't believe it's happening to me
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this"
Oh, I know what I can for my other brother so he can have something good this year too!
Now, I might have to slow my roll here, but this is my idea.
It's a little crazy considering I'm planning a international trip this year, but!
I think I would be okay offering my brother a cruise vacation...
Cruises are cheaper than...other things... and I can negotiate another vacation if need be... but yeah...
Now, really, I was thinking about my other brother, Dal, and his 10th anniversary in a few years, but I have Dust for Christmas this year.  
And everyone would have some type of vacation cept for Dust if I went for only Dal's anni.  So its more of a pity gesture.   Dust already had his 5th anni this year...
So since I have Dust first for Christmas I was thinkin to offer him an anytime cruise.  He can wait for an anni, bday or whatnot.  He can save and take the rest of his family.  Whatever, whenever.
And then the next year I'll give Dal a cruise option that he can use in 2018 for his anni. 
Mind you, I do this on the pretense that Dal has not accepted a free vacation before.  Dust does, and takes advantage of it, but they'd both have to take off work for a 'long' time and I can't see either of them doing that.
And then everyone in the family gets a vacation... some time...in their lifetime...!!   The kids are on their own... 
Mom, Dad and I get international travel on my dime, Min gets Hawaii on government discount, and Dust and Dal could get cruises for two on my dime
Neither one of them deserve it though, really.  They spend money they dont have all the time or hoard it and make themselves out as poor.  I'm having a hard time justifying this... gimme a few months to mull it over. 

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Untitled (92)
I made my coffee this morning with a packet of hot chocolate mix. I'm trying to cultivate little moments of happiness. I've been experiencing a HUGE amount of anxiety and some fairly crushing depression as of the past couple of weeks. So the little moments of joy really matter.
Last night I finally finished the secret life of walter mitty. I had a hard time getting through the first half but when I finally finished it I was rather struck by it. So much so I made myself an early A.M. to do list. More on that to follow. I also took a midnight stroll down into the little section of town I live near. Mind you everything was closed. But it was a good stroll. If everything hadn't been closed I would have probebly walked into the little tattoo parlour nearby and gotten whatever a hundred bucks could get me. It was one of Those kind of nights. I'll let my to do list elaborate:
FUCK YOU! Yeah, you. You're the overthinker. Stop thinking so god damn hard and just make shit happen!
Start your day by rewatching walter mitty.
If you're not feeling it. DRINK TIL YOU DO!
buy a fucking pinky ring
plan a vacation
call up that god damned interior designer you don't know yet and take a fucking risk.
Tell someone how much you are worth.
Make an artists profile on houzz
Just buy the fucking website
Look for a job.
Yeah, my to do lists are a little explicit... But I'm drinking a quasi~moca and now I'm going to rewatch the secret life of walter mitty.

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twenty-three. (145)
New year new me? So far this year has been interesting to say the least.  I quit my job at Telelanguage. I spent 4.5 years there. It was toxic and stressful and shady. I start my new job at CTS on Monday. The energy there is so much better and I'm so excited. I've cleared a few friends out of my life, keep those who care and I mesh well with. Every so often it's nice. I haven't spoken to Jeni in a year and that's for the best to be honest. I've been eating better and working out - I have a gym membership and go on the regular now. I feel cuter in my work out clothes with no makeup than I do with makeup most days (helps that they're comfy and cute I'm sure). I'm also about to complete my first quarter of college (6 years later than I should have tbh). My grades are great (for the first time in forever), and I've decided I'm going in for Behavioral Science / Criminal Profiling / ETC.  It's  what I was doing at Fort and after thinking hard on things, it's what I want from life. I'm excited to see where this takes me.  Things are going well. And I'm so beyond happy.

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Just airing some dirty laundry (97)
I feel like there is so much to say but all I can do is stare at the little flashing cursor. I'm about one threatening glance from a breakdown and I can't help but feel very very broken. I wish I could say exactly what is causing all the fear but all I know is that I've wound myself up so tight that everything ticks the wrong way. It's a whole lot of not functioning. I've spent today doing nothing. And somehow I feel worse than if I'd moved molehills. Moving Mountains is a miracle, but moving molehills... Thats just hard work.
I'm not very good at taking care of myself. I'd love to say that was a miscalulatedly pessimistic view. But if there is a miscalculation, its the other direction. I sometimes dream of what it would be like to live a mediocre life and just follow the parental outline of "get a job, pop out babies, grow old, tell your babies to pop out babies..." The truth is I don't think it's ethical to perpetuate a life built to simply "keep on keepin' on." So here I sit, freaking out about every sensory input; wound just a little bit too tight to sit right. It's been an especially anxious week for me and I don't really have a reason why. I'm not so much experiencing the crippling depression, just the neurotic anxiousness and endless what if...
I spent monday moving wood to build a table. I hauled 40 or so two by fours up to the loft and my body is feeling it. Which is good because I haven't had much excercise. I've tried to cut back on a lot of the unhealthy food I've been eating although I self medicated with several handfuls of swedish fish about half an hour ago which may be a bit of a set back. I'm a little worried (my word of choice for the day) that I might have irreparably damaged some process in my body. Too much sugar/alcohol/processed food. Not enough REAL food. I think I've been living off yogurt, microwave pot pies, mountain dew, and mac and cheese for about a month. On sunday I nearly had a fainting spell. That in combination with my growing gut, a sensitive stomache, and some wierd back itch has lead me to think I might have a real problem. That or I'm just too anxious for my own good.
There really isn't much to share. Which makes this the most boring entry I've written in forever. No threesomes, no death, no marriage woes (I'm woeful, but things seem stable enough). I sold a painting two weeks ago. It really sold itself. But It was some cash at any rate. I had said I was going to save it and get back some of my legendary savings, but I bought a smart thermostat instead. I had been looking forever and I am still mostly glad I bought it. Savings would be nice, but now I can turn up the heat from the comfort of my bed...
It's nice to get the dulldrom down on paper. It lets me start to sort out where I am. I spent most of last month ignoring my parents and sister. They called very frequently and by the end of the month it was usually at least twice a day. I eventually answered a call from my mom. She called from her work and I answered thinking it was an art call... Cheater! It was nice to feel a sense of isolation from them. Like I could pick who I wanted to be a little more. But it wasn't easy and I could feel the fear of some sort of familial wrath build up in me. I realized in that moment that every person I let into my life takes a little chunk of me. I wonder what it would be like to be whole. It'd be nice to commit to myself and not have to feel anxiety about the roles I play for other people. I think I need to plan more for myself.

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[112] Kiss the Other Side (87)
It's Valentine's Day!
So today was amazing. Anthony and I slept in and just cuddled all morning. When it was finally time to get up we both showered, shaved, and got dressed and he took me to my favorite place to eat...Red Lobster!
We had to wait 50 minutes because we forgot to make a reservation but it was worth it. I got like... a gigantic pina colada (and got kinda tipsy!) and then we spent like 80 dollars on food. But again, so worth it.
After that, we went to Petsmart because he wanted to buy me something small and I decided to buy something for the dog - we got a little traveling kennel and some treats for her. She has the cage when we're busy but like I read that she would be calmer/less anxietic if she was in a kennel type thing next to my desk. As of now she's been in it for 30 minutes and has just been sleeping - she seems to enjoy being close to me. It's only temporary until she stops pottying in the house.
We watched a movie together on the couch - DBZ Rez F. and ate chocolates/left over Red Lobster (we did get a lot) The rest of the night we're just chilling and talking with friends.
Such an amazing day. <3 

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[111] Blindsided (75)
Time for my weekly update.
Work has been rewarding but tiring. I'm learning so much but I'm so tired on work days. My days off are pure heaven. The dog has been difficult to train and I'm trying to get a balance on it - she's a smart dog just really spiteful and stubborn. So I have to channel her energy better, or at least find the time to do it.
I had a friend over for some drinks last week. It was fun and all but he kind of really upset me. We have a very lewd kind of dynamic where he'll be making sexual jokes and I'll make them back, etc. He's straight, I'm gay. When he came over here and I joked with him (while we were drinking) he made a comment about him "not wanting anything" and I'm like...huh? And he thought I was propositioning him....da fuck.
And then later on in the night he made a comment of how "he isn't gay" and he doesn't want anything stupid to happen. Well then don't let anything stupid happen? Drinking doesn't make you suddenly change sexualities or like...do something you wouldn't normally. So I got pissed off. And now dealing with that whole bullshit.
I'm probably going to spend the rest of the week dealing with that drama. I also have to help plan a baby shower for the 20th - my little cousin is coming into the world. Yay! 

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Over Simplified (163)
We've been separated for a year and a half. Really its been a year. End of January 2015. Im not sure what happened sometimes and sometimes I know exactly what happened, so much that its scary that I didn't do anything but watch it all unfold.
I wont make excuses for myself or even for his lesser offenses. I'm not perfect. I made mistakes. I didnt want to screw up.. I tried to be honest. Sometimes I wish I would have just tried and possibly screwed up.. and then i could say.. well I tried.. and I failed.. this way.. trying to eliminate the problem, in all the worst ways, just made everything worse. i cant even explain this right.
People don't want truth though. They want perfection. And you can only be perfect if you remove truth. You cant have both. But at the same time.. you cant be an asshole/idiot either. Balance. I was an asshole and I didnt even realize it. Well i did i think but i didnt know what to do about it. I was an idiot.
But there's not point of trying to fix something that doesnt want to be fixed. We're getting a divorce. Im not surprised. Most of me isnt anyways. Theres a small part of me that never thought we'd be here. Not us. We were that couple. the one that was friends first. the one that people thought was so perfectly fitted for each other. Like God hand picked us for each other. But maybe that was all in our heads. Maybe we let peoples words assure us of things instead of work towards them. Everyone thinks we're fine and doing great, so we must be.
Idk. I'm over simplifying. A decade long relationship from falling in love to a failed marriage wont fit in this box and even if it could i wouldnt be able to explain. I dont think its anyones fault. Or maybe its everyones fault. I dont know. it just happened.
I'm so depressed. But not like how I was before when i get depressed.. i would spiral into days of sleeping all day and night and not doing anything and crying and avoiding life. That was years ago though. Ive never felt so broken and low and weak in my life. Even so this isnt the worst bout of depression. And i think its because i realize that there is no point to depression. Its a real thing and causes serious problems. But with work you can avoid it. Its hard to find motivation. but for some reason right now anyways, its there. Enough to make it though a day and get the things i need to do done.
They're right about the phantom limb thing. divorce feels like you lost an arm or leg. Its a part of you and then its just not and you have to relearn. its not that its impossible to do certain things but you keep going to do them the way you always did.. depend on things to be a certain way.. but theyre not. and never will be. and you have to figure out other ways. and thats where i am. doing things on my own. simple things. but things that were shared between 2 people.
I don't know if this is for the best or not. Maybe.
We are both with other people now. The divorce isnt final. In fact.. neither of us has filled out any paperwork as far as i know. I told him to do it. Its been my decision most of this year. Then his. Now its mutual.
Mostly I'm sad about losing my best friend. My safest place. My lots of things that dont matter anymore. Im sad that now it seems like all we talk about it money. I hate it. I hate that we say we'll be friends but maybe one day soon we'll stop talking and that will be the last time. Maybe I'll never see him again. Or know anything about him. What if something happened to him.. would anyone think to call me? Would he want to know if something happened to me? I think about these things and my chest starts to cave in.
Ive always had to learn the hard way.  I wish I was stronger.
Now I'm randomly crying in the grocery store. or wherever. 
I have all the answers now. But no one cares about the question.
Idont know what to say in here anymore.

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[110] In My Corner (87)
Things have been pretty okay.
The new puppy has been keeping me exhausted. Like she needs so much attention, which is good, but like I can definitely tell that this is my first dog. Training her is so hard. It's hard not to get frustrated.
I started my new schedule at my job. I have the potential to bring almost 1.5k home a month doing part time work, not even every day/ not even insane hours. As mean as it sounds, I'm really glad they let the other girl go because she wasn't pulling her weight and her loss is my gain.
So I have to go to work Tuesday, Weds, Thursday, Friday. Not that bad. Maybe just Tuesday, Weds, Friday. It depends on their need. But like...you can't beat the pay/hours.
Lastly I've been streaming a lot more and talking to my friends a lot more. I'm having some people come over this weekend. Should be pretty fun. ^.^

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[109] Corner of My Mind (86)
I haven't blogged in a while and I know that I went against my proclaimation a few months ago to blog every day...but in my defense a shit ton has happened and I haven't had the time!
So there was a huge blizzard last weekend which as a result our roommate was forced to stay with us which I'm getting pissed at because we spent OUR hard-earned money on food and he's been eating it. The fucker even drank an entire bottle of MY juice. Like I don't have very many things sacred to me. But my JUICE is one of them.
And then on Tuesday I got myself a puppy! :D :D :D : D :D squeee. Her name is Ruby and she's half lab, half German Shep. She's so adorable and I love her to pieces. I'd love her even more if she knew how to use the bathroom outside like a normal dog. Training isn't going to be easy -_-
The concert I was going to was also cancelled so as a result it's being rescheduled for a later date. I told the band that I want to help them out in any way possible because they're like my favorite male band of all time. They seem very grateful.
otherwise I've been well just uber exhausted because of all the projects I've been working on. Here's hoping they bear fruit. 

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1333 (144)
Come Feb 16, Valentines Day area, I would have my new car for a year.
Literally the most money I've ever written a check out for/spent in my entire life.
Not even the loan for my house did I put down that much money for... 
And my house decision was long and stressful and royally freaked me out.  It's my first loan EVER and its a big one. 
So I wondered why it was so much easier buying a car, spending so much more money - these things stress me out to no end and take forever.  Yet, it only took three days from falling in love with said car on Valentines Day and then buying it two days later.  Just like that.
And then I realized making a HUGE financial decision was infinetely easier than deciding when to put down my dog. 
I was running from the inevitable.  That was a very expensive distraction. 
I hope I can handle an animal situation a little better next time... 
It wasn't a purely emotional purchase.  There was logic to it.  But still. 
Maddy says I can have her Grandpas cat.  Calico, longer hair, 6 years old, female. 
An odd offer considering she lives in my house and claims to be allergic to cats, hence, me not having a cat already. 
We'll see what happens with that.... 
But it seems weird to replace my dog with a cat when he hated/scared of cats, and it hasn't even been a year yet.  But God said it was okay. 
We'll see...

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goonies (304)
pepsi shirt. i said pepsi person. why.
are these just signs or do we all see things that bring us down a bit.
i stole that shirt from a man i randomly met first moving here and you still wear it.
do you not feel the shirt ... the feeling maybe .
did i become the weak or the strong or the love
or all three.
i think i am just confused with why my feelings are still soo feeling.
alone is alright. alone is never alone its almost like i play my family out in my mind
thats the reason why i dont need to call or say anything.
i play what it is what i like when i want.
crazy. maybe. happy
parts. and moments and hours and sometimes days.
can i keep finding better cover ups .
being around is awesome... missing the ones they call family is a shitty feeling.
rather say this.
im all good.
im a cousin a niece a daughter a friend a love a crush an aqquaintance an encounter.
im a soul im a space im a void im a body im a spirit
i am a believer .

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[108] Every Part (93)
Today was a big ball of annoying.
Anthony went to school and I did my thing. Unfortunately when he was on the way home from school he got pulled over by a douchebag cop for a stupid reason and got a 54 dollar ticket. In addition, someone on Amazon who bought something from our online store had an issue with the item and decided they wanted their money back when we clearly labelled it! So that's 105 dollars we're out. Lovely.
Our roommate is finally leaving this Friday...weather permitting. Speaking of weather, the concert I was going to was canceled because of the weather so now I'm terrified our roommate won't be able to leave and be forced to stay with us for another week or two. I sincerely hope not.
Plus I'm hella stressed because I'm taking too long on these book edits and the deadline is looming so close.
-_- life stop being frustrating. 

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