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Spring Cleaning Apr 17, 2014

After moving hosts a while back, apparently a few things got neglected, so I took it upon myself to get stuff working again. As it turns out, it was nothing crazy, but so far I've fixed:

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As always, my goal is to bring the back-end code for Sitdiary up to snuff, but for now -- at least stuff works.






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Recent Posts

1445 (22)
This week, Feb 12, was my 5th year anniversary of when I bought my house.  Can't believe I was only 24yrs old, technically.  Turned 25 two months later Apr 2013. 
But I suppose Feb 2018 was the last time I had VDay with a boyfriend, or had a boyfriend period. 5 years since a relationship, since being kissed, since holding hands... 
Jan 2018 marks the 11th anniversary of my career. 
Jan 2018, the Presidents Day holiday, also marks my 3 year anniversary of having my new car. Which is slightly ironic because I was involved in a little fender bender last weekend so now I'm trying to schedule an appointment on the holiday, three years later to the date, to get my car fixed. It wasn't my fault!  She turned left in front me. I veered left and hit her at an angle so I wouldn't totally broadside her or take out her back, or wheel wells and disable her car or cause more damage than necessary.  We weren't going that fast.  No one hurt, cars are functional, minimal damage, and no air bags deployed.  It's all good. 
Mar 2018 is three years without my dog now.
Its been two years without a cavity too!
Oct 2017 marked my 9th anniversary working in this office since 2009. 
And 10 years since I graduated college Dec 2008.  12 years since I graduated HS in June 2006. 
17 years of watching my siblings have children, 15 nieces and nephews I claim as mine. 
11 years I've known Arthur. 
In June 2018, my Hawaii trip marks my 15th major vacation in the last 8 years since 2010, not including reunions. 
In Apr 2018 I'll turn 30 yrs old. 

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Take Your Feelings and Cleanse Yourself of Mine (21)
To All Apex Predators That Have And Continue To Approach Me;
In bars, and art galleries. Online and partial parties of the folly. On campuses and intellectual events. I am not here to play -mental chess while you have only experience in playing checkers. Don't take me for property or a simp. I see what you do and know what your code switching entails. Both my grandmothers raised me other wise. One a radical Arab Feminist, the other a surviving member of the civil rights movement whose focus is sociolinguistics. I am not the one. I know that I paint a target on my forehead, bottoms, and back. Because while I have established myself as dominant and dispatched all over justifications, I however, see through your shit and goals.
It isn't my steez. I value intelligence as opposed to underlying cunning. I look for depth contra vapid disregards. We know you are, but is there more. Sorry but I don't need to hear you say sorry. In as much as I need to hear you say you loved me. I wanted to hear your truth, that’s all, but even this is hard for you to do,  because it requires a series of depth perceptions inside and out. And I'm not trying to get inside you, whether it be your head, your walls, your heart, your will. These are mere plus and minus calculations. See the difference between you and I; I see means and ends. And all you see are ends. You are too caught in the ought supposing that it informs reality. Which is why you lack empathy. So please don't venture back in to my world. Otherwise, I wll have to show you my effectual truth and use you. 

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Thief (54)
Well i stole again and lied again. I'm not sure why i do this, but i do and honestly (HAHA) i think thats right the way i do. Realistic seen i know it's wrong. Hell yeh, got into a huge fight again yesterday. I'm exhausted and i feel i just fly away with my feelings for her and the self-esteem to protect my individuality. Feeling like a goat tied on a rope, which is only able to walk around in a circle.
This should end one day or?

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Smörebröd (17)
well i become all busy and stuff. While my wife is making enemies with the whole village and nobody's talking with us anymore. I was in Sweden on a business Trip. Hell as Cold - the other way of course.
Hopefully we can reintegrate...

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Untitled (55)
And I will be canceling my ticket. 

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1443 (88)
Aw, the month of Valentines Day.... because love isn't complicated enough.
"He broke her heart.
She broke his xbox.
Who cried harder?"
"Follow your heart, 
but take your brain with you."
"Don't break someone's heart; they only have one.
Break their bones, they have 206 of them." 
"I love you with all my butt.
I would say heart, but my butt is bigger." 
Double heart attacke message by a girl to a boy: 
1st message :  "Let's break up now, it's all over." 
2nd message:  "Sorry, sorry, sorry!  That was not for you." 
"And when Karma slaps you in the face
I want to be there just in case it needs help." 
"When a women says "What?"  it's not because she didn't hear you.
She's giving you a chance to change what you said." 
"Young at heart.
Slightly older in other places." 

Read 1 comments.
1053 (160)
8:58 Wednesday evening.
         Thank you for your time.
I hope I still have access to this diary in 12 years when my oldest is 16 to remind me of poetry and overwhelming feelings.
Over the last four years, my baby has grown up into a preschooler with big thoughts and feelings. We moved to Minnesota.  We learned things about ourselves and each other. We moved to New Zealand. We started careers. In July or August, we will welcome another baby into our family. It's been a wild ride. Long may it continue. 

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1441 (24)
"I surprised myself by becoming the "man"
That I once dreamed I would marry." 
-Post Secret

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Untitled (144)
i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it
i get my hopes up like a fucking idiot anyways and it's so fucking difficult talking yourself out of the worst case scenario when that's the only thing that ever happens
i  knew it was going to be too good to be true and i knew it was never going to happen because it's never going to happen and i'm going to die alone with my cats because i can't love anybody else but you but i can't have you either and i'll never get to 
i can't keep doing this i can't keep doing this i can't keep doing this i can't keep doing this 
it's always going to be one thing after another there's always going to be another reason and it's just never going to happen so i don't know why i ever bothered hoping or telling anyone or saying anything because now i get to go around to everyone and take it all back and i don't want to i don't want to 
i knew it i knew it i knew it
i never get anything

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9/ Analysis (176)
"I miss you so much."
Sent from my T-Mobile 4G LTE Device
Something is wrong with me. These words are magnets. My eyes and my soul keep coming back to them since he sent them at 8:26am Wednesday morning. Reading and rereading 5 words. 5 words. His response to my 15 paragraphs. Some of which were only a sentence or 2 long but still.. this is all that he could put together? Oh, do you miss me? A whole.. 20 seconds worth to type it out.. send it.. and go about your day as usual? Schedule me in between other non important events like taking a shit.. or playing another stupid game on your phone for 4 hours. And even that stupid fucking game gets 4 hours. sleep. eating. walking to and from the bathroom.. all took more time and effort than this fucking email. And what does it even mean besides the obvious... because it is obviously bullshit. I know that. history proves it. God confirms it. I ignored it. Rinse repeat. Until here we are and I am finally finally finally trying to be so nonstupid instead of so nonimportant to someone who is or has been.. everything. I tear them apart. What is there to pick at? Its barely anything. But I'm nothing if not an overthinker. This is what I do best.
I. miss. you. so. much. period.
I stared at it for a total of hours at various times today. i pick it apart. Each word. "I". He. Him. Max. Asshole. Obviously you. I know it doesnt make sense but I get irrationally angry at the obvious use of the word "I". Obviously you, asshole. Obviously. Thanks for clarifying. Again, irational was the key word. But knowing that doesn't tame the fire burning in my bones. boiling my blood. stinging my poors and making hairs stand on end. Literally. Its not really a stinging feeling.. more like... a lesser version of those cartoons when theyre so angry that steam shoots out of their ears.. it feels like a small scale microscopic steam releasing from my skin at all times. And the steam inside me and regular air are enemies. They don't mix and when they meet it feels wrong.
Miss. I say the words so much they lose all meaning. Its no longer an emotion. Miss. Mister. Miss America. Mystery Science something thousand I don't give a crap that shit was awul. Missed the mark. Mark walberg. I miss. Yeah. You miss. You missed the opportunity to not be a shitty person and not do shitty things. You missed the opportunity to have a good life with the one person who did and would have stayed through anything. No. You didn't "MISS" anything. You fucking ran. Miss implies mistake or by accident. You purposefully planned. Everything. You are selfish. You are cruel. You are blind.
You. Ewe. YOOOU. Who me? Because it could really be anyone. And why would I assume he means me.. when he had me he was always trying to get rid of me. It was always so "wonderful" in the beginning. He has some sort of super powers or evil force. Some sort of wizard. idk. The power to erase my good judgement and replace facts with fiction. It always ran out faster than a pictionary sand timer. He only wants me when.. when nothing. I was going to say :when he cant have me" but its not even when he cant have me.. he just always wanted me to want him reglardless of the fact that he doesnt want me and never has and doesnt give a shit and never will. 
So. So what? SO... to imply how painful this is for him? Not just "i miss you" period. No no that's not good enough.. no because he knows I miss him beyond articulation. He wants to come to my level. Make me think we feel the same with a single word. Everything is so easy for him. Its a strategically placed "so" that's caught my attention every time. Every time. It wasn't an immediate fix, but it got me talking to him again. And I know he knows or at least he thinks he knows that he can just shit words out his fingers at me and get the same bs results. He sent it at 8:26am on wednesday. It is now.. 4:37am on thursday morning... I havent slept since I woke up at 1pm (yeah i know.. sleep is all bs right now) when i read ffirst read it. Its been almost 24 hours. ANd I know he was probably wondering why he hadn't gotten a reply in 24 minutes. Not to confuse "wonder" with "care". Curiousity doesn't equal love. And its only been 20 hours and 11 minutes. Its been excruciating. But slightly better than last night when all I could think was "he doesnt fucking care" over and over until my brain exploded and I died and a little hamster came in and took over my body and that's why I'm so crazy.. i have hamster brain. By the way, hamsters suck at relationships.
MUCH. much much much. munch. munchkin. I used to want a munchkin kitten. Its all I could talk about.. They're so effing adorable. I want to post a pic here now. But I'm not going to. But you know.. munchkin kittens are a lie.. theyre cute as kittens but as adults they look freaking weird. They're all stretched out and unhealthy looking. Who would want a hotdog cat? much. so much. muchness. Trying to convince me that there is any amount of "much" in his heart. He doesn't even know what much is. He has no much. He is muchless.
Period. Oh. Are you done now? Like I didn't know... its not like your email was so very very long that I had to scroll to see where it ended.. but you had to rub in the shortness with your very unnecesary PERIOD. Period. That's it. That's ALLLLLLL you have to say. Well, glad you got that off your chest sweetheart. For realsies. Because i know how much it must be killing him to be in a situation HE CREATED. I am so OVER my addict sympathy right now. It'll reset tomorrow and I can "blame it on his addiction" and call it a "disease" but right NOW... he is a fucking dick. a small chubby one on a fat man who cant reach it.
Btw its ok to say all this here because he knows I have had an online diary but he doesnt know the sit name. or my name on here. he was never interested. tim used to read my diary. i ddint even know.. he would make comments and I'd be like.. "oh.. you read that?".. "yeah".. all nonchalanty as if to say "of course". Like why wouldnt he? 
All that to say.. I can't sleep. I cannot fucking sleep. I need to sleep. I need to get things done. I cannot stop my mind. I'm going insane. I need help. I tried the whole anxiety medication back in june/july for a couple months. It just made me tired. And what is the point of taking away anxiety and replacing it with being tired all the time? I mean yeah I slept, but i was always groggy. And being tired when i dont want to be. or need to do important things stresses me out.. so its either be anxious or tired. uhg. So I stopped those. And sometimes on nights like these.. i think maybe they werent so bad. But no. I don;t like medication. I understand sometimes it is necessary and maybe it is but i just want to try everything first. But its hard to get that done right now. Everything is delayed. I have no money. I have far away money. future money. But nothing spendable. I feel poor. And I cant do anything I want to do. Now I'm angry at Tim. that's a whole other can of bs.
We stopped talking.. if you can call it that.. on Friday. At 2:30pm. And he sent me a mean 2 sentence email. And I replied with a quick jab.
But then I felt bad and wrote that 15 paragraph email at 2am Monday morning basically saying "look i dont want you.. and this is why.. but i care about you.. i hope you are ok and hope you get better.. etc etc.. i will always love you but im content and i hope you are too". non of that is verbatim. but you try cramming 15 paragraphs into a short sentence. And he said to that..
MONDAY  -  5:10am...
" You held on to us through my worst already. 
I can't blame you for not signing up to do it again.
Pray for me to find the strength to ask for help"
Now. Pre-alanon Jeni would have been fooled and started to convince HIM that its MY CHOICE and I WANT to be with him. He's done this a million times. Its always the same. Its 3 sentences.
And of course he mentions God. Because he knows thats what i want to hear. Jusdt like he would throq in budhism shit when tlking to teresa who is a budhist.
BUT. I did not reply. And then he sent the "I miss you so much".. yesterday at 8:26am.
2 emails. And I haven't responded. He probably thinks I am dead.. I haven't ignored him since last year when I went to Niarga Falls and New York and other east coast states. I started dating Levi. And then all of a sudden he wanted to be all... sandfjkgvsanefbsfdhjv. 
I'm tired.
Of everything.
And I will never know why but
I miss him. So much.

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beta... (105)
.... there's nobody here
and I am ok with that,
cause how dreary it could be,
public, like a frog,
to cricket the live long day,
to an admiring blog...

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testing... (42)
... 1, 2, 3... is there anybody out there.... 

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8/ Insomnia (76)
Its not like i'm not used to having insomia. Its just that sometime around october/november.. idk if it was before or after i started going to meetings.. i think before.. but i just started being able to sleep even if something crazy was happening.. something crazy usually bieng max leaving. The more time goes by now.. the more insnae it feels that it all actually happened. I'm really sad tonight. I'm usually sad but busy enough to ignore it. I just have this panicky feeling. I wont see him again. Or, I will but I wont like what I see. Or, someone will call me and tell me he's gone gone. Or worse, they wont. And eventually.. i might want to look him up.. and I'll find out he's been gone for years.
I'm also so overwhelmed with Kodi lately. He was supposed to be my service dog. To help me. BUt instead of training him all year like I planned to.. I spent the year either battling against max's addiction, battling against my own codependency, or being kicked out or moving or depressed. When Kodi was a puppy he was so perfect and I knew he would be what I thought he would be. But thats becuase i spent time training him. even a little here and there. now im so overwhelmed and busy. he has a big fenced in backyard. I buy him toys and those yummy bone treats he likes. i take him to the dog park but not as much as before. lately, i dont want him at all. i dont play with him as much. i havent brushed him enough. I have so much i need to do and i need help. i wasnt meant to do everything on my own. who is? maybe i shouldnt have him. Its hard having him here, in claifornia. In wisconsin i took him with me everywhere. and he was great in the car but in wisconsin i didnt have to worry about the temperature. only a couple times i worried but it was if it was too cold. And its winter right now.. when it starts getting even warmer out here i wont be able to leave him in the car at all. so i want him to be able to come inside with me to most places at least within the next few months. especially to meetings since i go to one every day and theyre less pressure than say the library or court house. he does well in public transportation, lays down at my feet and doesnt bark. but in a room full of people with no direction, no movement.. he gets so excited and wants to run everywhere and see everyone. which would be fine in some cases, if he did it calmly. but he's stilla puppy and he's big and obnoxious. sometimes he's too much. i need a dog sitter but i cant afford one.

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7/ Fear (35)
I'm afraid I wont be strong enough not to contact him at some point. But i dont want to. One day at a time. I'm trying to remember that when I feel the urge to know how he is doing.. to know its ok to let God handle it. Trusting God is hard anyways but this feels impossible sometimes. Not that I've ever been able to protect Max from himself.. and I dont have any children but.. the only way I can describe the anxiety is like having a newborn baby and then having it taken away immediately and told it will be fine.. you can see your baby in a few months. we're not going to tell you where it is or who its with. Just trust us, its fine. I mean its different because I dont think I will ever see him again. I don't want to. I don't want to want to.
I'm afraid of myself. I have boy cried wolf syndrome. I realized recently that I've been wanting him to "say what he means and mean what he says" for so long that I didnt realize that I had the same problem.. not in general like he obviously did. But I would say he couldnt hurt me anymore, and then let him. And I would try to be open about my feelings and frustrations and what I needed, but as we talked more and he broke me down more and more.. i would withdrawal into myself and pretend I could handle anything.
I'm afraid of living my mothers life. I feel bad for saying that but at least she got a family. I want a family. I am 31. Now it wont happen. I dont want to date yet but if I started I am pretty much already considered desperate for a family just by age alone. But why is that a bad thing? I hate that word.. desperate:  feeling, showing, or involving a hopeless sense that a situation is so bad as to be impossible to deal with. I'm not desperate. I know, especially after the last 3 -4 years, that no situation is too bad as to be impossible to deal with. I can accept if I don't have a family. But I want one with all my heart and I will grieve the idea of it when it really does become too late. I dont think its a bad thing to know what you want. I wish I hadn't sabbatoged my marriage. I wish I had been more cautious with Max. I thought I was. 
I am the new phone list person for another group. So now I am the secretary for Monday night group and phone list person for Sunday night. 
I've been wondering why I've been feeling so.. out of control.. i wrote down all the meetings i could remember going to.. 10. 10 since i got here on the 24th of december. that's 10/30 days. I know it seems like a lot to anyone not in the program but for me.. i immediately knew why i havent felt as strong as i did to carry all these decisions out like i did in eau claire. I've been struggling so much. in eau claire i sometimes went to 2 a day. I mean and thats only because only 2 were available. i really was desperate for something back in november/december. I went to meetings almost everyday, sometimes 2 a day, for a month and I felt amazing. even on horrible days I felt something i cant explain. I dont feel it anymore. I mean i get bits here and there of that feeling. but its so short lived and it feels less. but I'm starting to get to know the people here more.. its starting to feel more homey. 
Max and I stopped talking Friday and I've gone to a meeting 3 days in a row. I always dread going and love staying. I feel better after. even if its a small improvement. even if it only lasts for the meeting.. its a nice break from constant anxiety. and being around people who just "get it". My friends don't understand. I told someone tonight at the meeting "they don't understand the pull they have".. as she nodded her head profusely in agreement. She told me no one there will ever judge me for the decisions I make. Its so strange because if I am really honest with myself, its THAT nonjudgement that really helped most i think. Its that "you know what to do" attitude in general from the group that helped me get there on my own. And, my amazing well meaning friends.. i love them.. but it was their "what the hell jeni? Why?... but he did this and that.. and havent you had enough..." and on and on and on.. and it was my stubborn nature whispering in my ear "prove them wrong" or "you're not a failure" or "they'll all say I told you so". Never mix love with stubbornness.
My anthropology class is a little scary. I mean in other classes its a clear question and a clear answer. I mean even in english classes, or political science where you hve to give your opinion.. its really mostly base don the writing and effort and for the most part there are a lot of facts and statistics in polisci to draw from. It is and it isnt opinion based. The statistics arent theories. Anthropology and evolution and such.. its all theories and opinions and I'm going to be graded on it.. i feel like I'mgoing to be ripped to pieces just for enrolling in a class i needed. I hate talking about religion or politics anywhere but here, with very close family/friends, or.. yep thats it. I do not enjoy debating my values and beliefs. And I don't like being perceived as trying to talk others out of theirs or risk offending people just by saying how i feel about mine. I dont know.
Good news is I am almost definitely going to get an A in my Java class. i mean i know its early but its being taught by an instructor i had last semester and she was amazing and I got an A. I just love her teaching style and I have never said that about any teacher, ever. And I'm doing great in spanish. I am taking such random classes but theyre necessary for transfer I guess. sometimes i feel like its a waste of time. But everything I am doing is good.. I mean I've always wanted to..  scratch that.. I've always been told I should learn spanish and I've never actualy wanted to. I've always been adamantly against it. But I have always wanted to learn A language. So why not spanish.
I am afraid i have procrastinated with this court stuff too long. But idk what to do. It overwhelms me. I need to just do it. I wish kodi could stay here on his own.. but now he is being a little jerk and digging in the grass. a lot. like a huge hole. idk what to do about it.
I think he has separation anxiety due to.. well several things. all the change, moving here, the dogs here dont want to play with him, and losing max. i mean max was a part of his life since the day i got him. minus 2 months and since i left in dec he was a part of 10 out of 14 months of his life. I need to get him into some dog training classes.
I need a lot of things.. i just havent had any motivation or energy. extreme brain fog. extreme fatigue. Insomnia. I know I'm depressed. But unlike other bouts of depression, I'm staying on top of self care for the most part and pther responsibilities. especially school.
I'm afraid my car is going to crap out.. i need an oil change. and a tune up. its making weird noises. it was supposed to last me another 10 years. instead.. i drove it to and from wisconsin 2 times. and to and from missouri to wisconsin like 6 times.
I'm afraid all my hair is going to turn white by the time i'm 35. only a couple here and there right now but still.

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6/ Commitment (100)
So I went to an alanon tonight at 7:30. I've only been to 2 since being here. It was the one I went to before. Its an ok meeting I guess. Small and a little.. idk. I cant describe what its lacking but it is. It isnt the size that's the problem. I've been to some great small meetings before. I dont know.
Well tonight was interesting. Some alcoholic/ addicts came. 2 men and one of their wives who was not an alcoholic or addict. So. I guess they thought they were attending an AA meeting. I mean, alanon meetings are open to AA and NA members so its ok thta they were there. but it was awkward in a lot of ways for me. On one hand I'm glad they were there because i think it is important for AA and NA members to learn as much as they can about alanon too. The focus is always on them and their sobriety but how it affects the people around them is a part of it. ANd i think "double dippers" who do both programs generally have more success. At least from what i have heard from them. And if alcoholism and addiction (which I'll just refer to both as addiction from here on...) are genetic.. then the majority of these addicts will have their own "qualifiers" and things to deal with in that sense.
...Side note... about the whole genetic thing. I dont knwo how much of that i believe. I definitely think theres something to it. And if you agree its 100% genetic then its easy to call it a disease.. but what about the people who grew up in addiction free homes, unaffected by addiction. Do they also have a disease? There's definitely a propensity i guess when in your family's history. But it is also a lifestyle and a choice. A combination of all and who knows to what degree.
Anyways so on the otehr hand i didnt want them there. i got a bad vibe from the husband of the woman. When I walked in i walked around to the empty seat that was opposite the door because i dont like having my back facing the door. Also the seat was cushioned and the others were not. And they seemed more spread from the other chairs then the other spots. Anyways the seat was next to a young woman and the husband.. who as i sat down he stood up and walked over to the seat next to his friend. Which.. most people would wonder why. I knew exactly why. That's probably because he doesnt want to make his wie uncomfortable. which seems nice. but really why would it matter. unless he had been a fucked up pos. That sort of thought to things like that come from excessive disception. Having to compensate in these little ways.
Well it had been 4 or 5 days since i had been to one.. i you're not counting this other program i went to on friday where my mom was the speaker. so i cried. i dont really cry much at meetings anymore but i guess i had a lot pent up. especially right now. 
Max ignored me for a week and a half. He finally responded in an email on the 10th but i didnt even see it until the 13th. then a couple days ago we spoke on the phone. and idk. I'm confused. I was so angry all week. We were just talking a week and a half ago with no agenda. No plan. Just as friends i guess. But we arent friends. And after a week and a half of being ignored.. this time for no reason. absolutely no reason.. why would I want to? It was beyond words. The onyl way to not feel extreme anxiety every second was to remain distracted. School started last week and that was really good because i dont know whati would have done if it hadn't. My friend Melissa has been amazing. We met at alanon in st paul. She's become one of my best friends and in a lot of ways she is because she is the nly person who can truly understand all this. she gives me advice, encouragement, lets me vent, cry, she is just there for me when i need her. And I'm there for her. I think we were brought together for a reason. "God doesnt give you more than you can handle" and without her I wouldnt have been able to. 
Talking to max has been hard. I told him i wasnt angry that we werent talking or not together. it was the randomness. the ignoring me. completely cutting me off with no explaination. He apologized.. a lot. Tried to answer all my millions of questions. No one affects me like this. Not even Brett when i was obsessed with him. Not Tim. No one. I have theories of why that that I've created in times of silence. But my love for him is real and pure. However unhealthy we have been, are.. i wish i didnt but if im really 100% honest i dont wish that. He's what I want. I know if we never spoke again, i could move on and be happy. i could find passion. i could find something special. But it would be lacking. i can wish we never met. But i cannot wish i didnt want him. I know how stupid i am for it though. He's been really.. on top of doing what he says he will.. like beore he would say he will call in an hour and then 3 hours go by and i text him asking if he is ok and an hour later he was "sleeping". but he's been calling when he says he will. he doesnt seem annoyed to spend time with me.. maybe its because the day we talked, he had been to a meeting that morning. first one in a week. it all just seems helpless. i feel foolish. i even said at the meeting that i didnt want to talk because i was embarrassed to admit that i had been talking to him again.. not just since bbeing in CA but especially the last couple days. 
But there was a lady there who put it into words that i couldnt. its simple but true. She said her and her boyfriend were rocky. he isnt the addict in her life. her son is. but its causing problems in her relationship and her boyfriend asked her if she wanted to break up. She said to him that she is "too exhausted to do either" she cannot give him more right now because she has no energy. But also, breaking up requires a lot of energy. practical and emotional. and that's how i feel right now. It took so much for me to leave wisconsin. everything i had. and when i fgot here i got the flu and was depressed. and then school started. and max in and out since new years. sometimes i think i should just cut him off and we shoudlnt talk. But part of alanon is fousing on myself and i am trying to do that by going to school, taking care of myself, of kodi, spending time with friends and family, eating right, taking care of all the things i have to do... this last week not talking to him was so emotionally exhausting. i cant commit to that right now. it sounds stupid but.. i miss him constantly and im just not strong enough for that right now.i told him we didnt have to talk if its easier for him to stay sober or get things done if we didnt.. he had blamed me a lot for being the reason he hadnt gotten anythign done like getting a job or seing malcolm. as soon as i saidthat he said he wasnt fair when he said that. that it isnt me and withut me around he doesnt get things done and that he has to be honest iwth himself and realize he is the one to blame. he said he wanted to talk to me. that he misses me all the time. that its hard for him. which just made me angry because you dont ignore someone you miss. I know theres more to it but really theres not. a simple "i need space.. lets talk next week" would have sufficed. Im not irrational. And now he has started saying "I love you" again. I have no boundaries because i was caught off guard. So I've been trying to figure out what talking even means. We arent together but we act like it. Especially in the last couple days. I'm ashamed.. but I'm also happy. I enjoy him at his best. Well he isnt even at his best.
Anyways. I also inadvertently volunteered myself to be the group secretary tonight. Mind you this was my 2nd time going to this meeting. She was asking people to fill roles because they switch who is in charge of things periodically. Not sure how often. But when she asked if anyone could be secretary no one said anything, and I didnt know what a secretary does.. so i asked out of cruiosutiy. I guess they are the ones that have the key and come 15 min early and get out the supplies. lay out the literature, set up the chairs etc. I said well if you cant find anyone else, I'll do it. But i thought she was going to ask at more meetings.. at the end she just comes up and hands me the key. I was like oh.. so this is starting now. ok. I mean its a good thing. I was just surprised. They dont even know me. Its a lot of responsibilty. But i wanted a committment role as soon as possible.. lol now is soon. I just always here alanon and AA members saying that being in a committment role was a huge thing for them. And being secretary... i dont have an excuse not to go to that meeting. So no matter what, from now on, I will hve to attend at least 1 meeting a week. I plan on attending several anyways, hopefully everyday like i was doing in eau claire. but its hard to get back into the swing of it here for some reason. in eau claire, meetings were like air. Here i go because i know i need to and should want to but there i wanted to just as much. Im sure it will come back.
OK enough about all that. A lot of other random things haoppened.
My mom was the speaker at a different program, similar to alanon but christian based. She asked if i would go. My brother went to. It was good. she is a good speaker. good writer. She said things abut her life that she had never told me. She has said bits and pieces but there were things i didnt know and it was really emotional. But i didnt cry. She frustrtes me so much, especially lately, being around her so much.. but i understand her a lot more. I try to have more grace for her.. she's been through a lot and she is extremely strong.
i stayed at her house all weekend because of that and also i wanted her to cut my hair. andi needed to organize my stuff in the garage. but uhg. 2 days is too much time to spend together. 
my brothers dog bit my moms roommates friend. so that was weird. his dog is a pitbull. pitbulls scare me. especially the ones with the huge heads like his. He's all muscle. he seemed really unpredictable since i first saw him.. and when my mom does the "stare down" with him that she said "ceasat milan" does... i get scared he's just going to attack her face one of these times. Well they were sure they were going to have to put him to sleep after that but i guess its fine. he needs more socialization. And training. and really... idk i know people smack their dogs snout, ive even did with kodi for a little bit because he jsut doesnt listen but it doesnt help. the water bottle is more affective.. i want him to respect me not fear me. jason is aggressiv with him so why wouldnt he be an aggressive dog. he isnt abusive. but he smacks his nose... for good reason.. dont eat the bunny.. dont chase the cat. dont bite my moms friends roommate. but its like yelling at a barking dog.. you're supposed to be quiet and ignore them. dont communicate back. yelling is people barking. idk. my brother is great and all but he needs someone to tell him how to control his dog in a way that he thinks its his idea.. he's kind of stubborn.
ive been here at my unclce and aunts for about a week and a half. Its been nice. The room is nice. Theyre nice. sitting on the porch doing schoolwork in warm weather while kodi runs around is nice. im so glad they agreed to let me stay here. when i first got back i didnt move in with my uncle right away. it was christmas eve so i stayed at my moms for a few days. then i got sick so i decided to stay longer until i wasnt sick anymore because liz is pregnant. i was sick with the flu for like a week. but being at my moms, sick or not, so depressing. i cant. i know that more than ever now. but here.. i feel so much more healthy here. its easier to focus on myself.
I am taking the 2 classes I failed again this semester. I have a good feeling this time around. I wont be dealing with any of the same things. ANd even the max stuff, i am far enough away that as much as it affects me... it can only do so much. the java class im taking is so much better. ive had this instructor before and she is amazing. the other one just was lazy. he was very hands off.. he wrote out all these modules... like literally 10 - 15 LONG modules per week.. so much reading. they were conusing and overly detailed. He wasnt available for questions. He said if you have questions ask in the discussions forum and classmates will help. um. it isnt the job of my classmates to teach me.. its yours. This current instructor is great. she does video lectures. I learn from watching and listening. Examples. Her videos are perfect. The way she teaches is so easy to understand. Her assignments are easy to follow. And she accepts late work all the way up to the end of the semester. So I'll be getting an A. Im also retaking spanish and its going better thistime. Meeting with my partner today at 2pm.  Its a lot of tedious time consuming work bbut its been easy. And my 3rd class is anthropology and i was worried because im a christian.. and i really dont know much about this stuff. but its been really inteteresting. And apparently there are a lot of christian anthropologist.
On wednesdays we wear pink! no but on wednesday I'm going to the courthouse again to file papers. The papers i already filed! UHG.
SO i had court on the 9th to finally move this divorce appeal forward. And.. IM getting sleepy.
wed @ 1:30am...
Ok back to finish this. There's always so much and so little. And I signed on and had every intention of writing.. i was excited to.. but now im tired again at the thought. same with tonights meeting. i was excited to go and get things off my chest. first time at that meeting. but it wasnt like meetings im used to. i dont like the meetinfs where its a free for all and you  basically just chime in when you want it to be your turn. I'm not a chimer. Not with strangers anyways. I like the ones that start at the leader and go in order left or right. easy. and you knwo what to expect. at these types of meetings where you just insert yourself wherever, especially when I'm the newest person, i always feel like everyone is looking at me. waiting for me to speak. and i do like speaking at these meetings. but i dont liek being expdcted to speak. if that makes sense. i kept going to. working myself up to. and then not. i didnt speak tonihgt. first time in several meetings. i try to always fget myself to. but something kept stopping me. i mean, i am bad in social situations. but alanon has never realy felt like a typical social situation so ive never really felt too awkward. i mean yes, to some degree, because Im me. but nothing i cant handle. maybe it was that it was so bright. or the woman there, who is very nice dont get me wrong, but she was the one who asked if i wanted to be secretary, and she showed me where teh meeting was.. but idk.. she puts off a weird vibe. shes really hard to read.idk maybe i just didnt want to feel ashamed on top of being exhausted. i felt guilty as the meeting went on.. thinking every time it took a little too long for someone to speak up, that i should have spoken up. but by the end i realized... in alanon fashion.. i dont hve to do anything i dont want to do. and just because i typically like doing something, and its like me to do something normally.. doesnt mean i have to always like it or always do it. i didnt want to tonight. And that's ok. The topic tonight was "progress" and for the first few minutes i ws racking my brain trying too figure out how I've moved forward but all i could think of were all my setbacks this week.. deciding to leave wisconsin.. andthen talking to him again. saying we should only be friends.. and then replying to his i love you's with i love you too.. and not wanting to take it back because its howi feel. good or bad its how i feel. and as long as i am taking care of myself.. i think its ok to feel how i feel. before i wasnt. i'm far away from a bad situations now. i'm focusing on what i need to do and being productive every day. even on very bad days, like when he was ignoring me, i find moments of peace and happiness.. where i couldnt have or even wouldnt have before when i was still there. i realized that, it might not be much to an outsider... but to me I've made so much progress and its ok to be proud of myself and acknowledge it, including my setbacks. i just need tobe easier on myself and forgive myself and let myself feel how i feel as long as I take care of myself. baby steps. 
so i have a commitment in place. That was a goal I wanted to accomplish and I did. Go me.
I also want a sponsor as soon as possible. I just.. i had a very bad experience in st paul. I might write about it another time. but she was only my sponsor for less than a week and it was very damaging to me emotionally. at the time. I'm past it now. 
And I want to do a step a month. I realize that I shouldnt rush anything, but i predict I'll be in this program for a long time. Not just for my recovery from dealings with an alcoholic/addict but because it is an all around help to every area of my life. Especially aspergers. I mean the necessary, but safe social interaction alone has helped me a lot.
anyways. i need to get up early tomorrow but i cant sleep. or i dont want to. im a little sad and anxious right now. a lot. 
i stopped by the store on the way home and got a few things. one of those things.. mochi ice cream. Mmmmm.
i guess that's all.

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days. (43)
I just finished writing an obituary for my grandpa. Now I don't know what else to do with myself.

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Oh Wolfy! (108)
Well my neck is strained due to i slept in our little ones room this night.
He has an unexplainable fear of Werewolves since some days. We already made a Werewolf Stop Sign which we posted on his door and also a very bright flashlight for him. I Also had one magic moon stone left which i gave to him, but all didn't work so i slept on a thin blanket on his floor to protect him. Poor me, i get old.
Poor him he has the fear of werewolves.
Gonna built some Werewolf traps on the weekend ;-)

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Apples Nearest the Tree (66)
I have officially purchased my ticket to Chicago. 
One of my thematic life problems is I always second guess everything. Today I got a little hint as to why. I tell my dad that I'm going to get the ticket. Keep in mind a few weeks ago he was helping me look for one at a good price and said he might use his time share deal to get us a hotel. Then today he says "Are you sure you want to do this without a back up?" and "Are you sure he can't just come here?"
A back up? What kind of back up? how exactly does he think I'm going to "hedge my bet" on going to visit this guy? Why is he trying to cast doubt!? It's just his nature and he's where I got it from. And why on earth would he or I want him to come here!? I live in a town notorious for having nothing interesting to do. Why would he spend hundreds of dollars on a plane ticket to come to the town he hated so much he moved? Why would we do this especially when for the same price we can go somewhere interesting, do fun things, and have a holiday weekend?! True, if he came here it would save us money since we wouldn't need a hotel.... but then we'd be in my studio apartment in the ghetto... WHY?! 
Additionally this is our reuniting trip. We want to have fun and just enjoy ourselves on our own. If he came here- my parents would want us to spend time with them.... not that I'm against that in theory but... I haven't seen the dude in approaching a year, I don't want to SHARE him!  His family wants me to go there to his town and we don't want to for the same reason AND he doesn't have his house yet so he's staying with his aunt and uncle who are very conservative so he would have to sleep on the COUCH and I'd sleep in his bed  alone..... not really what I had in mind lol. 
We're going to have so much fun. This kind of trip is why I like this guy in the first place- he does things, he plans things, he takes initiative, he consults with me. He wants to do things.  
I'm nervous, excieted, anxious.... something tends to go wrong so... but this is going to just all go right.

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5/ Insanity (40)
I wrote this a while ago and forgot to actually post it so here we go... probably because i didnt end up finishing. i never do though.
I will never learn.
I am insane. Knowing doesn't help. I don't know what it is. I can't turn it off. I hate myself for it. Even when I pull away its like a magnet. I get pulled back. With hardly any effort on his part. I love him. And he's so convincing when he tells me he loves me. Its not real. I KNOW that. But I can't stop myself. 
I don't know how to explain the last few days. I've been in denial since I decided to come back to California. Maybe it wasnt so much denial though. I told Patrick tonight that it felt like I was possessed in Wisconsin. Somethings, some force, but not myself got me here somehow. Because if it were up to me I would be in wisconsin still. As crazy as that sounds. Because I wouldnt have been able to do it myself. I believe in God and so I believe it was Him who got me here I guess but even if i didnt. It wasnt me. And I wouldn't know what but its undeniable.
And especially right now I dont want to give credit to God. I'm angry at him. I believe in him. I belive what I believe but I'm angry and I know it doesnt mean anything. I'm angry that it feels like it doesnt mean anything. And all those athiest out there shaking their heads. I have seen him in my life. I know what i know. I mean as stupid as is stounds to atheists that I do belive in God, I think its just as crazy that they dont.. but not even that... i can table the idea of God for a second.. do they just think we are alone? What about aliens? out of all the galaxies and universes and craziness we dont knwo about... i hope that for every person that doesnt believe in God, I hope they at least believe in aliens. I mean I dont know if I believe in aliens but i think I'm closer to believing in them than not. this entry took a weird turn.
I deleted 360. Its this app that tracks your location. Max had it on his phone from a long time ago and on new years he told me to download it and i could see where he is. i was worried. I said it was fine but i was also curious and it helped.. it shouldnt come to that. needing assurance. People's words should mean something and his never did. And he was always good at finding loopholes and being sneaky anyways. So all these apps and assurance were just silly delusions. I miss being stupid. Not knowing what a liar he was. I miss him.He lies about such stupid stuff sometimes. Its like he has to reach a quota per day. Its like he has a lying fetish. BUt i deleted it. I was driving myswlf crazy.
He does this lovely thing where he ignores me for random amounts of time. the other day it was 5 hours because I said "if you liked me you'd play games with me" I said this in a playful way because i asked him what he was doing and i already knew the answer. he is always on his phone. playing games. and he got upset about it. he said "mean" I said "why? You play a lot of games" and i just wanted to spend time with him and he said "ok. sorry" and then ignored me for 5 hours. Later he said sorry and that he ignored me because he said he was angry and he didnt want to be a dick to me. I asked why he got angry though. I just wanted to play games with him. And he said he cant control what will anger him. Just that he got angry and didnt want to take it out on me. 
Usually when he gets angry... even if the outcome is him raging and lashing out at me in an over the top disproportionate way.. at least i can somewhat pinpoint the trigger. maybe something i said. Maybe i said a rude comment. Maybe it was even on purpose. But it doesnt warrant a response like that. a mean comment said usually because he was being mean in the first place doesnt make it ok to ignore someone 15 or more hours. But that's what happens. 
But these "mantrums" (man tantrums as I just now decided to call them) are getting crazier and less and less predictable. Not that they ever were best described as predictable. Nothing he does is. The only thing predictable about him is how unpredictable he is. Monday and tuesday night we video chatted on facebook while we slept. We used to do it a lot. Ive done it with brandon because he's my best friend and we both have anxiety and it helps us sleep. And i just miss max and he said we could. I wasnt goign to make a regular thing out of it. I knew once i move to my uncles that i wouldnt be able to talk as much. And i probably shouldnt because of how emotional it can make me. So i wanted to spend a lot of time with him. He was being so sweet. And cutesy. Taking pictures and joking with me. Flirting with me. Its crazy how awful things can get, how much trauma there has been, but how easily we can fall back into us. He's home. Anyways around 5am the call dropped and without me asking he said he would call me back. around 7am it dropped again but he was sleeping so i just went to sleep. when i woke up i asked if he was up but no response. I've been sick so i ended up falling back asleep. we played tag a couple times. he would wake up and say soemthing short. then i would. the last thing he said was "did you move today yet?" at 3pm on wednesday. And I responded but he never looked. 360 shows when you charge your phone. wednesday night he charged his phone. idk if he forgot it showed that or just doesnt care. But i knew then that he was seeing my messages and pretty blatantly ignoring me.

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2018 (70)
Happy New Year evry'one. I guess nothing changed.

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Untitled (74)
He asked me how I feel about a long distance relationship like officially. I told him I never wanted to be in one because it just seems needlessly difficult and painful.... but that also the only person I want to be in a relationship with is him and he’s far away so... maybe we should give it a try. I told him the notion terrifies me because if it goes well it can’t stay long distance and I now he’s not moving back here so it would have to be me to go where he is... 
My family was mostly supportive except my step brother. He actually found a moment to tell me that everyone else will tell me it’s a great idea but it’s not it makes everything harder. I will be honest that shook me a little just because he tends to stay out of things and not offer an opinion. When I think about it yeah it’s harder than if he were here but I’d rather hard than nothing, right!?
And yeah would I prefer him closer- yes obviously... but I had missed just talking with this man and I know we won’t be apart forever, you know? We had a video call this morning I had actually accidentally called him. After we hung up he texted “you look really cute this morning btw” I literally hadn’t even washed my face yet, no makeup unbrushed hair, PJs... and he says I’m cute. 
I sent him a cake for his birthday and he took it with him to the restaurant with his family which just made me super happy actually. He sent me pictures they were great- he doesn’t like taking pictures of himself and even less with big smiles but I just love seeing him smile it’s seriously the cutest.

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At the End Of Twentyseventeen (59)
2017 is now going to end in a few days and i won't have the opportunity to write the next days so i finish my emotional year off now.
I gained a lot of maturity this year. I nearly messed it up totally and hope it will stay 'good' and 'quiet' about all these undiscovered mistakes i've made.
I also realised, that i was a total asshole to my wife.
I realised that i am a good father, better then my dad was.
I know that i'm not that lowlife he always wanted to make me believe i would be.
I know that my sister is wrong in her behavior and that she should show interest in my sons, if not in my life.
I know that my mother is going on her alcohol path until the end and i dont have any regrets sitting on the bench on side of this path and just watch her passing by.
I know that I can become a better husband, father, man and human.
I know iam loved and I know that even though my past is rugged and was sometimes hell i still can built myself heaven here - and for my family.
That's so far.
Another Thing: when i was a kid i dreamed of being a trapper in the Canadian Wilderness. I wanted to run away from home, steal my neighbors UNIMOG (like an Expedition Vehicle) and make my way over the Bering Passage to Canada to built my Log Home on the Lake. All maps were copied in the library already, the backpack was ready and i even packed in an extra pair of wool socks. I was 11 back then and serious.
My Boss gifted my for my 10th Company Anniversary a Trip to Canada.
I Think sometimes dreams just come along your way.
Oh. I'm still grateful, that sitd is up and running. I would like to support this in some way, so if i can, -scott let me know. Be well and have a nice NY eve everyone.

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4/ Inventory (136)
On  Saturday  I move into my uncle and aunts house. I'm at mymoms right now. Its been okay. NOt terrible but I just cant be here indefinitely. We havent had any horrible fights but she just gets undermy skin sometimes. BUt right now she is being nice. She's making me soup. i dont feel good.. 
I had a nice Christmas with family. I'm glad I didnt wait longer or try one more time. I mean. It wasnt up to me anyways. He said "Iwould have begged you to stay". Instead of saying goodbye to me in person he decided it was more important to drink. Yeah. So I guess he relapsed like a week after we broke up. Around Dec 7thish. When I had that medical scare and they thought I might have had a stroke or something. Which it turned out to not be a new bleed but a "old bleed" which was explained as "something I've had since birth"... "probably". I love when medical professionals use that word, don't you? Anyways,  i told him about it and begged him to call me because I was scared. And he didnt. instead.. he used it as an excuse to relapse. That's all that was. He loves being depressed and having things fall apart and not work out and everything being "too hard" so he can sit around and tell himself "i tried" and "what did they expect". And he was trying for a lot of it.. but when I look back I really wonder if he was actually completely sober the whole time. Now that I'm coming out of the fog it gets harder to beleive he was. But then I feel so cynical and paranoid and harsh and think maybe he was.. its crazymaking. 
I would skip this rambling nonsense....
For example... after he got out of treatment.. he got out a day before graduating. long story but he was supposed to pick me up from the airport and he told me the treatment center said it was fine. but really.. im sure he just never asked. Anywyas. So when he did ask they basically said no. And he already told me he would pick me up from the airport and he didnt have a way to contact me to change plans because his phone didnt have service or maybe i had his phone. yeah i think i had it because well thats another long story. It was this huge thing. The entire day was insane. for half the day i thought my car was stolen because i didnt know if he was in treatment or not. but my car wasnt in the lot... oh and also... the day i took him to treatment, we stopped at a gas station. And he tells me to give him $40 of the $100 he just gave me to pay me back and he will go in and pay. he comes out with a beer... I said "um wtf max, you asked me to take you to treatment and youre fucking buying a beer right now??" So i took it away like he was a tiny child and he didnt even fight it.. he was so gone. and idk WHY I didnt just throw it away. i ask myself all the time but i put it in the trunk of my car. Maybe i thought he would be mad at me or something Idk. I cant tell you. it was just a crazy day really. and wwhen things are crazy sometimes i dont make the most sense. He was high on a lot of stuff so he couldnt even get in and out of the car. so i helped him into the car as people watched. it was really embarrassing. And checked his pockets. I found a bag of blue pills. I threw that away immediately. Then i went to fill up. But nothing was happening. I told him it wasnt working... and he starts blaming the cashier for stealing. I said 'no. where is the change?' he said there was no change "she took the $20" I said "no... I gave you $40". So I go inside and he is accusing the lady of stealing. I said sorry for him and i try to figure it out but someone in that fucking station was lying to me and I couldnt prove it was the cashier and I didnt want to argue with max. imean she did seem kinda sketchy but out of the 2 only one has lied to me before so I paid her $20 to fill up. I fill up and we leave. So, that said, when he got out of treatment that day to pick me up he went to the place my car was parked and was going to pick me up the next day. he had a whole day maybe a day and a half after getting out of treatment. When he picked me up there was a bag of trash on the floor. I looked in and there was the smashed beer can. I asked him about it and he said that when he saw it in the ttrunk it ws too tempting and he wanted to drink it so he chucked it on the street instead. i bought it at the time but its complete bullshit. but whatever right.
Another thing though.. after he got out we didnt really have anywhwere to go. so we went up to his family's house in hayward. no one uses it most of the year, its just for like vacationing. so we ended up staying there for about 3 months. well from time to time i would smell weed. and he would smell it too and comment on it. probably before i even did. He would be standing in the kitchen and be like "do you smell that?" yeah.. and he'd say "i wonder if i left weed up here.. i cant find it though"... he'd start standing on chairs and looking in cabinets, etc and say "but if i do I'll let you know. maybe its alicias" his sister. And then one day im cleaning, after he had just cleaned the counter and i just wiped it down one more time and there it is behind the cookie jar in the corner of the counter. And I said.. is this yours? He said no he doesnt put weed in bags like that, "it mustve been alicias". And i said ok but you didnt see it?? Youve cleaned the counter a lot.. he said no he didnt see it. But i dont know. thats the perfect cover. to say he smells it. to be the first one to smell it. and act like he doesnt know where its from. so if i smell it i dont think he knows. and idk. it doesnt matter. Just little things like that.. alll the time. 
Its just sad. I just want him to be content. Not have to do what he does. I love him. I wish I could fix him but even from the beginning I always knew that wasnt my place to do that. He has to want to. He has to do the work. And I think soemtimes he was. But not nearly as mcuh as I thoguth he was. He couldnt stop lying. He even lied about smoking cigerettes, right to my face. So why wouldnt he lie about worse. I told him I didnt care if he smoked anymore, as long as he didnt lie about it. Sometimes I think he just likes lying.
I just feel stupid. I have had a broken heart before. And you always get that feeling of "i wish we never met" but i always end up getting over that and being happy for my experiences with that person. Because its usually mutual or i understand or eventually i realized we werent meant to be. But i really do wish we never met. Because I cant shake the feeling that he is the "one". he is mine. Im his. And its hard to have that feeling when I cannot be with an addict. At least i cant be with a liar. I could have handled the relapses. I know that sounds crazy but I knew they would happen at least for the first year and up to 4. I mean I prepared myself mentally for the relapses. Its everything else I didnt preapre for.   I wasnt prepared for the lies to continue. He always blamed his lying on the drugs and alcohol. So either he was still doing it all and never stopped thus never being able to stop lying or he lied about lying and was just a lying liar. Either way sucks. if that even made sense. Nothing makes sense anymore.
I miss him constantly. Even though the end months were horrible. I've never been treated so poorly in my life by anyone and I know I wont be ever again because I cannot imagine someone being that way to anyone. I dont know why he is so convincing when he says he loves me and wants me after all these awful situations. 
i feel like an addict.
they say take a girl on an exciting date because then she will associate those exciting feelings with you. They also say that excitement and stress trigger the same feelings. SO being with an addict is stressful... but thats a close feeling to excitement. so then my braind associates being with him as being exciting - good or bad still exciting and i think the body cant tell which is which. maybe. idk really and Im too lazy to go google it for 5 hours right now. becauser thats exactly what i would do. spend 5 hours researching exactly that and it doesnt even really matter.
New Years is coming up. 
so.. happy new year sit diary. 
I need to stop starting entries if I cannot commit to finishing them in one go. I started this one on the 28th. Its Jan 1st. And. My new years was uneventful. the last 3 - 4 days I have had an awful cold.
I walked into the kitchen the other day to get the juice my mom got me and i almost fainted again. i grabbed the table for support and she's just sitting there just talking away like she doesnt even see me. And everything is turning gray just loke it did when i fainted at the motel. And it scared me. I was determined not to faint and start shouting at her to stop. stop what idk. Just stop. Talking. moving. whatever she was doing was not ok at the time and making it worse. And i finally am seeing colors again enough to move from the table to start walking back to my room but i make it to the hall and slide down the wall and have a meltdown. And she comes over and tells me she read that she knows that i dont want to be touched but that its what is good for me and is it ok if she hugs me. and the thing about that is.. she is absolutely right. I do not want to be touched. by anyone when that happens. Except max. before it was tim. Idk if its a signifigant other thing or a personality thing. idk. but thats all. and really i wouldnt want tim to even if he wanted to. so really its max. ANd the other thing about hugging.. its just fine. i actually like hugs in the right situation.  but there is just something about my mom. and i mean i feel kinda of bad about this, and i dont know why, but hugging her is extremely stressful for me. so i resisted. but she's her. and it was awful as expected. but i was trying. and it eventually ended and her roommate heard and I was embarrassed. I dont like having meltdowns. what autistic person does.. but. I really dont like having them in front of people. Especially when one is my mother. All week I've missed max. I didnt think i could miss him more until then.
We have been talking since New years Eve. We arent together. But. I wish we could be. I cant be with him when he's at scotts. When he says with his mouth that I'm right and he shouldnt be there but he wont go anywhere else. He says its his only option. He relapsed. He could.. and should go back to treatment. I used to say go with family but I really think he needs more inpatient treatment. There's pepole in there for several months when they just do 1 thing. Yeah his drug of choice was meth. but he did pretty much everything apparently. yeah, i didnt know until later. i dont like looking at statistics. i dont like being realistic about what might happen. Because it cant. i know people would think im psychotic for talkign to him after everything. But when I dont its just a count down until I can. Even at my best during those times.. idk I've even been happy. But then we talk and it feels like I had been trying to breathe under a mountain of football players and didnt know it. Idk. something changed. or Maybe when I started going to alanon its not that something changed in him but I could see his intentions more clearly. I hope thats not it. im not sure whats worse though. If he was never that serious about it, that sucks because him saying he hit rovk bottom was just a lie but its hopeful in a way that.. he still has the potential to hit hisrock bottom. Im scared of what that would take for him though. If april wasnt it. On the other hand, if something just changed... i think thats worse. how many rock bottoms does it take? and if you can hit rock bottom and keep going back.. i mean he didnt do meth. his relapse was with weed and alcohol but he agreed that if he stayed there it might happen. 
I just dont get how the whole "say no to drugs" talk didn't take for some people. I mean I made fun of it in my head during. But apparently it made a subconcious impact. Although I was never actually offered anything. In fact someone told me they wouldnt give me drugs because they were "afraid what might happen"... people seemed to always assume I was either high or drunk anyways. I snack like I always got the munchies, I'm just a little too clumbsy, random by default, and idk.. I think the last few years that's changed somewhat though.. sometimes I wonder if people think I am an addict/alcoholic by association. Not people at AA. They seem to know the difference. Its not that hard really. But like law enforcement and professionals. the people at the treatment center. idk.
I'm about to contradict myself because i just said I don't get it. but that isnt true. i get it. everyone is an addict. i mean it isnt a complete contradiction because i get addiction but i dont get addiction to drugs. I feel I'm addicted to max. I know I am in love with him. But there's also something else. I have a really addictive personality. Everyone does to an extent. Even if your addiction is laying on your ass doing absolutely nothing. 
Doing sitD right in the new year. just like the good ol' days. Rambling incoherent nonsense as far as the eye can seeeee. 
Don't worry.. I'm done talking about max for now. 
I haven't done pretty much anything since being back. I;ve been sick but so what.
Although yesterday I decided to do some challenges. 100 days of squats, 100 days of push ups, 100 days of learning Nuvole Bianche on guitar, 100 days of using charcol with my toothpaste. 
I started the squats and guitar yesterday. I want to squat 100 pounds. which isnt much but i can barely do an air squat. I want a big butt. God didn't give me much to work with but that. Imean I like my hair. But after the last 2 years I'm pretty sure I'll be completely gray this time next year.
I read that squatting can actually make you shorter. Which. Is not ok for a person like me. I'm 5 3/4". So I need to start doing yoga again. 
Nuvole Bianche is so beautiful. Sometimes I listen to it on repeat while I study. Speaking of that.. i should register for classes. I failed 2 of 3 last semester. uhg. I got an A in the 3rd one but it was easy.
Oh. Right. I move into my uncle and aunts house today. I'm nervous about it but excitedish. I hope kodi behaves. He's been a nightmare here sometimes. But maybe because of all the change. And I have been sick so I havent been able to do things with him as much. i think their backyard is more grass so he wont do what he does here and just roll in the dirt nonstop. every time i go out there he is literally just rolling around like he knows how white he is and how fun it is to brush him after he does these things.
I have a weird feeling. I can't figure it out. I keep wanting to write about it but it isnt translating into words. Maybe in a few days I'll know what it was about.

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1437 (130)
Well, I got the essentials once the stores opened again after Christmas.
Chocolate licorice, bread and lightbulbs. 
Everything is hunky dory now. 
Liquid sugar would just top it all off!  Shoulda got some of that.
I ran across a YouTube video of how to wrap a cat for Christmas yesterday. :D
It was awesome and I wish someone would get me one of those for Christmas.
My car engine light turned on two days before Christmas vacation.  
Great, just great.  And my mechanic happens to be in Japan right now. 
So I had it diagnosed at a nearby shop to my work.  Said it needed a new PVC valve. Said the pressure was prolly going to blow seals and stuff.  If you opened anything, said liquid would come bursting out. Said they wouldn't get the part until the next day.  Said it would cost $500 for parts and labor.  My first repair I'd need since buying the car.  Not so bad, I suppose.  It was either hope I make it home for the holidays or just get it done and over with now. 
So I surrendered the car a second day in a row and walked to work.  This would prolly be a good time to have an actual coat to my name. 
But Mark at Tunex fixed it.  Called and said it was ready.  With my luck, I was waiting for him to call and say he fixed that problem but another one came up.  But he didn't. 
So I got my car just in time to travel for the holidays. 
But there went my holiday bonus check this year.... 
I had Dal for Christmas so I gave his son a remote control BB8 and a raincoat.  He has the best reactions.  "Oh my gosh!  I can't believe this is happening to me!"  I got his daughter a rain coat, a doll and doll accessories.  All approved by my sister in law.  I got my sis in law a necklace.  She broke the chain, but it was only one dollar.  I made my bro a US flag out of shotgun shells and Dad put a homemade wood frame around it.  I'm really quite proud of that master piece.  I hope he likes it.  Goes with the shotgun wreath I made him earlier this year too.  I didn't get them much cuz I'm paying for their plane tix to their cruise this next spring. 
I got my little car stuck in the driveway/hill in attempting to leave my sisters house after Christmas Eve snow storm. 
The neighbors juss happened to be leaving in their truck at that time and pulled me out onto the road.
My sister got me a cool air purifier lamp thing, some natural allergy helping drops stuff (she's into all things natural nowadays), some Hawaii vacation reminders (doll and seashell candle), a Fiiz drink gift card and a new phone.  She told me some of my gifts would be weird.  When she said that I totally forgot I asked for phone, let alone thought I'd get one.  So that was the real surprise.  
My mom put a picture book/scrapbook (Shutterfly book) together of all my 2016 vacations.  I had to think about all of them and if they were all really in one year.  Apparently I did all that in one year.  She gave me the porcelain bowl I painted and she had fired up and all purty. And she gave me some more pepper spray (since she ratted me out to the Canadians at the border). 
I think I like the phone and the vacation book the best this year.  
More enabling so I can go on more vacations, take more/better pictures, and scrapbook em! 
So I got a new phone for Christmas.  Well, new for me.
Anything at this point would be new for me. I've had this Moto X for like 6-7 years now I think. 
I've had four phones since 2006.  The flip phone, my first at age 18. Then my first non-flip phone, which was tiny in comparsion to todays phones, ya know back when we thought we were all upgrading from those big bulky telephone shaped phones.  Then my HTC Incredible I had for prolly for more than my two year contract, in which I still have to play solitare on all day on crawling days like this.  Then my Moto X which I definitely had for more than my two year contract. And the phones are getting bigger again. 
Had to get a new sim card that would fit. I could order it, but the store would be faster. The store said they'd charge to activate, but gave the sim card for free.  I said I'd activate it myself online. They said I can't activate online.  Got to work today and followed the instructions on transferring phones on an existing line, went thru the process. The phone was compatiable, the sim card was fine, transferred my stuff from one phone to the other via the transfer app, and wal-la.  New phone activated.  Did it all by myself online without paying for it.  *mike drop*
I can follow instructions...mostly.  I can do what my computer and phones tell me to.  I can be somewhat tech savvy when needed.  It only took two days to figure out what I needed, find the instructions and to follow the process.  
This phone is huge, bright, and FAST.  The 10mp camera is much better.  And I finally got my 32gb storage.  They said my Moto X had 32, it only had 16gb.  Much more room, as I have turned my phone into a camera for all my vacations and need more room for such junk and now it's all better quality. And I bet this phone can hold a charge for a bit longer than my other phone. And I'm sure the battery won't wig out on this one when I use GPS or something like my old phone did.  And I can take the battery out of this phone if needed. 
My standards for a new phone weren't that high. 
But I'll miss my phone telling me when I have a text waiting for me to answer by flashing the text message symbol at me and I'll miss the fact that I could move my phone a bit and it would show me the time without having to open a screen or unlocking it or whatever.  So convenient.  I'll miss so many texts now after ignoring or missing the one ding/noise it gives me when it comes in and I'll never know what time it is in the dark without disturbing everyone anymore. 
Went to get a case for the phone and the guy only had pink cases left for my kind of phone.  How convenient.  I like  love pink.  But I'm okay not getting -everything- pink.  I'm willing to branch out if there's options. 
On another note, so many emotions the past week.  It's making me all.... weird.  I can't control it for the life of me.  It irks me.  I thought it was just my period.  Then I thought it was the stress of my car needing a $500 repair just before Christmas holiday.  Then I thought it was just the holiday spirit getting to me.  Then I thought it was the anxiety of letting go of my old phone and figgering out my new one. 
So many changes, so many decisions to make, so much stress.  But none of it was really that bad, so why doesn't my mind and body figure that out already.  Get a grip!  Calm down.  This year, this month, this last week, hasn't been that bad!  It was a great year with one vacation and a few financial hiccups is all! 

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[140] Hello, It's Me (134)
This semester is almost done. I'm two finals away from it being over. I just want it to end so I can get a good mental rest because it's been pretty taxing. Also stupid anxiety has been surfacing again. I'm tired of it - it in itself is a huge drain on my mental health. I've decided after the holidays pass to go to a doctor and see about getting some help. I'm just so tired of fighting it on my own. I've been trying for over 10 years and it's just too much. I'm much better in some ways but still not where I need to be mentally. Even though my life is pretty good these stupid voices in my head won't leave me alone.
I'm also sick so that isn't helping. I caught a cold after Disney World (yeah I went there with family / fiance) and it was getting better ... until it got worse. Apparently it turned into an infection. I'm on antibiotics now. I'm sure most people with anxiety will tell you that when you're sick it just gets worse. Something about your body focusing on healing so your mental defenses are down? Idk. But it's happening.
I'm just happy I get to see my Internet friends in 2 weeks. I just hate that I've gained back some of the weight I lost. I was doing so well ugh.
I just need to do better. And I can do better.
I'm just so tired.

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1435 (90)
I've never experienced a hangover before.
But I imagine it's a lot like waking up to my roommate.  
Too bright, too loud, too happy. 
I'm not a morning person. 
I swear she waits in bed until the precise moment she knows I'm out of bed and follows me around, just to torture me. I can't have a moment alone, to wake up, to adjust.  At least children are somewhat cute when they pester you at all hours.  This grown woman is not that cute. 
I just want to smash my finger against her lips and say "sshhhh" while squinting my eyes. 
There is no need to talk that loud so early in the morning...or afternoon, whenever I get out of bed. 
She giggles at everything (in which things I do not see any humor in), esp my reactions or lack thereof to her 'oh so exciting' stories she tells.
I have not ever responded or contributed to the convo she carries on in the morning.  I'm pritti sure I've never really acknowledged her existence in the mornings.   But she just doesn't get it.
I generally tune her out when she goes on and on and on.  But in the morning I suppose I'm more blatant about the fact I don't care.  And she might actually notice.  And it might offend her. 
"Life (dating) is hard;
it's harder if you're stupid." 
-John Wayne 

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3/ Anger (123)
Its been a hell of a week.
Actually its been a hell of the last 2 days. But the week prior was great. wonderful even. I had tiny setbacks and felt little pains of sadness and doubt and hurt but not like usual in this situation.
I dont know where to start or what to say.
Max and I broke up on dec 1st. It feels like longer. It hasnt even been 2 weeks. Ive been doing really good. Not just saying it. I've been going to alanon meetings every day. and keeping in contact with people. and I've even been happy about it. 
he keeps doing this to me. Kicking me out. Or leaving. And it was one thing before but now its winter. In wisconsin. I spent Thanksgiving without him when I could have been with my own family. He promised this wouldnt happen for Chrtstmas. 
schoool. alanon. max. friends. living. andrew. airbnb
-------------------------------------------- ----------- -----------
I started writing this entry weeks ago.. i didnt even finish.. at the end i wrote things i was going to write about and never got to them.
I guess its fitting that I never finished it. Because I've had a hard time getting past my anger lately. Its not like I expected myself not to be angry. But I've been dealing with it in a mostly non psychotic way until I started this entry.. and ever since.. I've just sort of lost it.
So much has happened since I first started this entry. This last month has been so crazy.
I pushed him away with anger. And people "don't blame me" because of "all the trauma" I've endured. And "of course" you're angry. But this last week I've just said evil things. I have been mad before, I've been really mean before.. not like this. And I mean he's said evil things to me. Done evil things. Been generally evil. The fact that he has him amazingly sweet moments only makes his overall evilness that much more evil. And I say evil and not mean because its on another level than meanness. And I got to that level this week. 
I moved back to california. I am so tired. I'll probably add to this later.

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Sometimes (91)
Sometimes i just idle here because it feels like a home.

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Collapsing Rueckwaerts (72)
We had our Christmas Party of the Fire Depatment on Saturday, with family.
Now there came this one Woman in to bring her son to the party. It was one of the women i wrote (!) with and my wife totally flipped out.
Now there is war and silence again. She asks me to quit the fire department so i wont have anything in common with that woman anymore. Crazy right?
I feel like someone pulled out my guts.

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Pressure (120)
I am 33. I am single. 
These are two innocuous facts, right? Just data. Just information. But almost every day something happens, someone says something, that reminds me: Your single and your eggs are getting old you're going to die childless and alone. 
People like to say "It will happen when it's supposed to happen" um... based on what?! Based on all the relationships in existence currently occured at the most ideral appropriate time and the moste ideal approprate way? Because noone  has ever died alone and childless before who wanted a family? Yeah, that's what I thought. Sometimes it doesn't  happen. Sometimes you die  alone. Sometimes your reproductive organs age beyond the point of fertility. These things do  happen. Will it happen to me? Yet to be determined, but don't be an idiot. 
This is a complete shock in my mind because I've always been, up to a few years ago. very firmly of the school that I don't need a man, I don't want children, relationships are nice but not necissary, I'm independent and complete. 
It's a huge shift, in my actual feeling. There's not a lot changed about the rest of my personality which is problematic. It's problematic because when I say to someone that I am bummed because the guy I have been most interested in has moved out of state when I feel like my career is getting started, they all look at me confused. There's no other option in the other womens mind to just follow the man- go where he goes. What's complicated, Meg, just quit your job and move to Bumfuck, Indiana.
Nevermind that I've worked very hard to get to where I am. Nevermind that bailing on my career could cause irreprible career damage... 
I want to go visit him, I do, I miss him. But... if I go I will want to stay... I will picture all the ways I could make that my home... 
But will that be living my life or ... just following a man.... but what if just following a man is what will make me happiest... 
I suck at making the big  decisions.  

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Everythings better with Batman (69)
The Weekend was great. Kristina and I had a good conversation about our meeting and how we feel. We both declared freely, what we are doing wrong in life and how to become better, become more concious.
We had duty on the voluntary fire brigade and greased all hydrants before winter in our village. That was quite a shitty job but has to be done. Im proud of being there now, even though it's only since June. If i can help somebody at one day it will be worth all the work.
Our little one had his girlfriend over for a nitghtover (they are both 4) and we went to the cinema, watched the ne Paddington Movie and they had a little slumber party later on - Kristina and i were happy, when the two finally slept, but it was nice - also the breakfast was nice with two small kids.
We had snow on the weekend and i built a snowman with him and we had a snowballfight in that garden. I was kinda sad when he left with his pal from next door to go sled in their garden. But anyway im proud that he is getting older and turning out so well. As i was always on my own i obviously try to hatch on him and never let him alone, which isnt good either, but i can't help it. Im going to find the right dose for that in the future i hope.
I used the time to let Kristina her romantic movies on tv and i was working on my tractor in the barn. I need a special tool to disassemble the gearbox, so i have to be patient and wait for that bargain on ebay.
Later on in the evening, the little one came down after bedtime with the words 'Noone tells better Batman Stories then Dad' And he wanted me to cook a Batman Story for him. Yes, cook. Thing is: We have one of those cookie forms as a Batman Logo and i make him sandwiches in Batman shape, with a fried egg, some tomatoes or fruit and tell him a story whats this plate is about. He loves that and i like it too.
Today on work i feel lousy as usual, i don't have the right power and swing to be effective. Due to i'm in a leading position, i only have to delegate and thats not really satisfiying for me. I need something tangible on work. We will see how that goes in a few weeks. Even though i earn quite good, we still have money issues and usually on the 6th or 7tzh of the month, there is no more money on a + state on our account. This is eating me up, but it works somehow so i dont change it. Kristina is doing most of the money stuff and i let her because i dont want to have fights about this. Sounds stupid and yes: it is.
Out eledest son just got his drivers license and you can see him grow up day by day. He is now (17) a puberty volcano and his hobbies are gym and chilling... thats really not my thing but i try and let him do what he likes to. I kick his ass sometime when hes not doing his chores, but i think thats normal in that age. He is a bit late with rebelling, i did that with 14, but those were other times and other parents. Anyway: i think he lives good and will make his way.
In the last weeks i learned to love Kristina again more and more. I don't understand, how i could be so dumb and selfish and just cock-driven half a year ago. I guess it was that 'this year you are turning 40' thing which is totally silly and stereotype but happened to me. Oh my. I was a dumbass.
I googled AlAnon today and found out, what they are doing and that there is a meeting here in the town, were i was born. I think this fits and is a happy coincidence. I plan on participating a meeting and find out if it helps me dealing with my parents and my childhood/teenager years. This idea i took out of sitd - thanks to 'ilickdoorknobs'.

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LifeLines (66)
We've had our third meeting at the marriage counselling yesterday and it was good. First time she didn't blame it all on me and i was happy that she admitted, that she never had any family idols to have learned how a 'proper' family works. She was left quite early by her dad's death and her mother, which couldnt handle being alone without a husband. Later on she was left pregnant by the father of our biggest son and she totally lost trust in men. Well, good anyway, that i was stubborn enough to stay. So actually my 'Plan' or intention of saving her worked out - even though that sounds cocky.
She saved me aswell, i'm since i was a kid i was used to be on my own, solve my problems alone, decide by my own and i needed a longtime to realise, that family is not only a one man show. I had to swallow my pride and after 10 years (!!!!) im starting now to learn and becoming better in being human and husband.
Next thing i need to archive is finally getting rid of the cigarettes. I really need to get rid of that addiction. Im smoking now since 27 Years and its destryoing me, i know that. But im mentally not strong enough yet to let that demon go. I think im reading that book again about quitting - that helped me once and i think i can manage it a second time - for ever now.
I see lately more entries and activities here and that encourages me to come back more often. And as Wednesday wrote i can also write positive things - this doesnt have to be my rubbish bin of thoughts i can be my document of joy in life aswell.
It's kinda like 10 Years ago, that you can participate on someone elses life and maybe help them. I like that. I always did.

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2/ Focus (198)
Sometimes I just cant do anything. 
Literally. Anything.
My brain will not function. I'm lucky I'm able to type right now. I just dont understand how sometimes I am so good at things and sometimes its like I'm just a shell. Sometimes I'm so capable of things some people would be jealous of. And sometimes.. I cant even remember basic common sense.
I got upset with my friend last night. Idont know why when people say crappy things they try to cover it up with "I meant blah blah blah". Like I'm not aware that they arent perfect and that people dont say stupid things or even believe stupid thigns sometimes. Just own it. I get not wanting to offend me, but you did. And it was equivalent to saying "That's retarded" To a mentally challenged person. Basically blaming the reason he couldnt think and was basically calling himself stupid not by saying he is stupid but that he has autism. And this isnt the first time he's used this phrase of his to relay how stupid he is. I said.. "dude. You have said that before and its like you forget who you are talking to." And he says to me "You dont have autism. of this I'm sure". First of all, I do in fact have autism. However high functioning it may be. And that is a fact I didnt just pull out of my ass but was finally "given" to me by a qualified psychologist and psychiatrist and confirmed by multiple medical professionals since. "given".. like I didnt have it up until then. It finally explained a lot of things and I wasnt happy to have it.. but I wasnt unhappy either. I was happy to have a reason for all my unanswerable questions. And at this point in my life, I dont think of autism as a curse. It made me who I am and I like who I am.Most of the time. And I have overcome A LOT. And obviously I wish I could overcome the rest but I'm working on it. And I dont know. His whole "I meant..." explaination just made it worse. Because it was like "well i just meant that you are a very smart person blah blah blah" Being smart has nothing to do with it. And really, I'm not very smart. I have to work for what I got but there are a lot of naturally intelligent and talented people on the spectrum that are more "afflicated" than I am. Even someone who is that ridiculous steroptypical image of autism, that people love to assign to every sinfgle person on the spectrum, could be a freaking genius. Whether they are sitting around not able to talk, shitting their pants, chewing their hair.. whatever ridicilous idea you have about autism.. doesnt mean you know whats going on in their head. It has nothing to do with how intelligent you are. Or if you're verbal or not. It just made me so angry. Because there technically is no such thing as aspergers anymore. Its all considered part of the autism spectrum.
I just really hate when people say bs like "But youre so normal" and "But my cousins sisters ex roommates nephews etc etc etc has autism and you're nothing like him" etc etc . I dont even feel like explaining how ridiculous these statements are. People dont even get how in a single sentence they can discredit a persons whole existence. Fortunately Im in a good place right now and these thigns dont affect me quite as much as they used to. Not enough to stew on it all day for weeks and weeks. months. years. I guess thats what writing is for. And autism isnt who i am, but it made me who I am. Like a lot of things but it has affected me in every way since I was born. Its like going up to a person in a wheelchair and saying "You arent handicapped. i know you can walk". "Oh i didnt mean to offend you... i just meant you are such a smart person that Im sure if you tried hard enough you could just like.. make your legs work. Fuck doctors. Just try harder. be better. You're so capable of other things so its crazy you arent capable of walking. its so basic. What are you stupid?" That's exactly what its like.
So I was already having a hard time focusing on anything and getting my brain to work and then that conversation happened. And at the end I'm the one who ends up feeling bad. You know the whole fight or flight response. pretty much bullshit. Why am I so "normal"? Because I looked at my character defects and try by best (i suck sometimes but i think I am pretty good) to work around them and blend into society at least in terms of what is socially acceptable behavior. And this whole "Oh I offended you? ok bye" shit is just SHIT. I used to blame my mother for it but now I credit her for my ability to confront my emotions and others. She took it overboard (ok lets face it, at times she was/is just bat shit crazy.. but she's getting better) but without that I might be as f*cked up in that area as everyone else. Just abandoning people and converations when I'M the one in the wrong or made the mistake. and everyone does it lately. and i'm getting really sick of it. I'm just glad I have been going to meetings.. because I dont know how i would be handling things and especially people lately. 
So I ended up feeling really misunderstood. I made a friend a few months ago who has aspergers. I stopped talking to him because I didnt want to make more male friends in addition to the ones I already have. I'm not going to fire any of my preexisting friends just because theyre dudes but I really want more women friends. Alanon is somewhat helping with that. But I made an exception with him because he has aspergers and can relate to me in a lot of ways no one else can. So it was nice catching up. Right now we are staying at a friend of max's because well. long story. But its aspie hell. I can talk about that sort of thing without feeling high maintenance or like I'm just a complainer. I dont want everything to affect me like it does. I cant do anything about it.
alanon is helping me understand that I am who I am and I dont need to apologize for it.
I have a lot of studying to do. But I cant absorb anything right now. Idk how to fix it. Its been like this for weeks. and especially the last couple days. 
Max and I are all over the place. I feel like the more I try the less he does. Sometimes it makes me want to stop trying. Its not fair to say he isnt trying. But he just plays games on his phone all day when he could be looking for a place to live or a job. He keeps saying he will get a job this week. He said that lasrt week. And he says for me to just focus on school. But nothing is getting done and I dont want to be at his friends house anymore. its only been a few days and its really hard. So I have been looking for jobs and a place to live. Everything kleeps falling on me. People keep saying to focus on me and take care of me. But those are things I need too. So I cant depend on him to do them. ANd i have to do it all. And its so stressful. But telling him that makes him feel like I am blaming him or attacking him. the other day i just said i need help and that i am feeling really overwhelmed, this was weeks ago and it started a huge fight because he took it as an attack. I dont know how to say anything. Things have been a little better lately so I dont know how the same conversation would go now.

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1433 (115)
Thanksgiving was brief, but good. Black Friday shopping, napping and church, it was all great! 
Until I got food poisioning that night I went home.  
Lack of sleep that night, going to work that day, puking twice at work, and missing the Polar Express Train ride I paid lots of money to go do with family.  I knew it was only a 24 hr thing, but that was the 24 hrs I wanted to actually participate in life.  The rest of the week I can totally check out.  But noooo... It's never convenient like that. 
I thought I was gonna die.  Okay, I didn't.  But it felt like it at times.  And I did find it refreshing to experience a different kind of sickness/pain.  I'm so used to sinus infections and I know I can't last long with those without screaming and gnashing of teeth.  But this was different... and not as long lasting.  I found myself grateful this pain didn't effect my nose and head this time. 
But I hate puking.  I can tell you the exact year and month of the last few times I've thrown up.  I remember it all.  What I really can't handle is the nausea which tends to accompany flu and food poisoning situations, but puking is a close second.  
My roommate always has a hissy fit when I tell her I was sick and went to work.  She uses any excuse she can to get out of doing, well anything really, sickness being one of the few legit excuses to use.  She doesn't understand why I don't use excuses to get out of duties and obligations.  *shrug* Besides the fact I was raised in a family of hard work. ("The cows and horses don't care if you are sick") it kind of felt better when I puked afterward. Just be doing the same thing at home as I was in the office.  Maybe at the office I might get something done in between. And I did skip the train ride I really wanted to go to.
Besides if I'm really sick I sleep and sleep and sleep.  She sits on the couch and watches TV like usual, so you can never really tell if she's sick or not.  But going home to sleep when your stomach is indecisive on when it wants to eject stuff has never really turned out well for me. 
Still afraid of food... but that's okay. Stomach still a little sensitive.  I'll only eat what I'm willing to throw up, which isn't much. Maybe I'll get a little skinnier.  Maybe I can keep my stomach/appetite smaller, healthier. One step at a time.  I've graduated to bread now. woohoo.  Actually, my body hurts all over.  It's amazing the muscles it takes when you are wretching.  Muscles you never knew you had/needed to pay homeage to the porcelain god.  Scared to take any pain killer tho. 
Just a small blip in the grand scheme of things.  Life temporary on hold for 24 hrs.  No big deal.  Time to move on. 
Well, I survived! 
Just had to hold on. 
"The message of this moment is so clear
And as certain as the rising of the sun
When your world is filled with darkness, doubt or fear
Just hold on, hold on
The light will come
Everyone who’s ever tried and failed
Stands much taller when the victory’s won
And those who’ve been in darkness for awhile
Kneel much longer when
The light has come
It’s a message everyone of us must learn
That the answers never come without a fight
And when it seems you’ve struggled far too long
Just hold on, hold on 
There will be light

Hold on, hold on, the light will come
Hold on, hold on, the light will come
If you feel trapped inside a never ending night
If you’ve forgotten how it feels to feel the light
If you’re half crazy thinking you’re the only one
Who’s afraid the light will never really come
Just hold on, hold on the light will come
The message of this moment is so clear
And as certain as the rising of the sun
When your world is filled with darkness, doubt or fear
Just hold on, hold on the light will come"
-Michael McLean : "Hold On, The Light will Come" 
Going to see The Forgotten Carols this Saturday starring Michael McLean.  Juss revisiting my favorite song of his.
I totally want to spend my holiday bonus on season tickets to the theatre for next year!  I won't spend that much money to get a gym membership even tho I've been going for like two plus years, but for the theatre, sure!  Merry Christmas to me! 

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Untitled (106)
What if he was my person?
He left. He moved. Before we got "attacted". 
We were attached but it was too soon to say it. 
Now he says how he misses me and wishes I'd visit. 
My heart jumped into my throat as he said...
"I should have brought you with me" 

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Greased Monkey (100)
So i started disassembling my tractor and started with the engine. I totally have no clue how to do that, im an IT-Admin by profession, so ich just do ist step be step and i think i can manage it. My little one loves the tractor so he stood totally frowning in front of the disassembled carcass. I promised him i will repair it and then we paint it fresh and everything :) That Promise i have to keep and i will.

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1/ Recovery (109)
I decided to write in here again.
I used to write all the time. Maybe not every day. But regularly. I used to do a lot of things I dont do anymore.
That's all about to change.
My life. Has been. Insane. For better, for worse, mostly for worse but I'm in a place in my life right now that I havent been in in a very long time and thats being able to REALLY see the good in even the most horrible situations. And I think I am here, in this state (of mind), for a reason. As well as being in this state.. of wisconsin.. for a reason. 
Years ago if someone had told me I would VISIT wisconsin, let alone live here indefinitely, I would have laughed and laughed... now here I am 2 plus years later. I met Max what seems like a lifetime ago. But it wasn't. Its been less than 3 years. But in that time we've been through so much. In our own lives and together.. and its been so... well its hard to explain in 1 entry. and its hard to explain mostly because although I know God has his hand on my life right now.. I'm not sure what that means. What he is trying to do. I already know he's a part of this. I dnt need to wonder. And I dont care if anyone does or doesnt believe that or in God etc themselves.. I can tell you this much... I'm not afraid of my faith anymore. So to those who dont like honesty or have a weak stomach for God talk, you can probably stop reading now or get yourself a barf bag. I dont like talking about God because it generally made me uncomfortable in the past just because my mother was so in mine and everyone elses face about religion growing up. But Iwas never like that. But this is a safe place to be open about that stuff. 
Because of the events of the last couple years, because of my current relationship, and because of experiences of my past that I had no idea affected me in the ways that they did until recently, I have recently been going to al-anon meetings. And its been amazing. There is a force in those rooms that cannot be explained. Its not just God. Its not just a common bond. Its a fusion of those and so many other things. And it has been making a difference. 
Not just in my dealings with my current relationship like I expected. But in every area of my life. But I digress. This isn't a public service announcement for a program. But things have been hard. But I'm becoming who I am again and just who I am period. I was looking for help with specific thigns in my life. Help for aspergers. Help with schoool. Help in general. It all started in those rooms.
I wish I had known what a difference this program would have in my life years ago. Maybe it would have saved my marriage. But, as I was talking to my aunt a couple nights ago, its okay that my marriage ended. I couldnt say this and mean it a year ago.. but I am grateful that Tim is happy where he is in life. He was such a huge part of my life for so long and no matter what we went through or will still face in the coming months with this appeal, he was my best friend and a genuine person and I know more than almost anyone on this earth how much he deserves to be happy. And for whatever reason ayear ago, whetehr it was jealousy, or still having residual feelings, or even that unbelievably selfish thought of "he shouldnt be happy until/unless I am happy", I could say I am happy for him but I couldnt believe it. And I couldnt admit it. But without even realizing it, I am able to think of him and his new family and smile and truly believe evwerything happens for a reason. If i think of me back then like I often do with people, put myself as I was then back into the situation and have those same feelings, and focus on those feelings. and obsess about those feelings. i can take the person i was and see that that isnt who i am now. So even though I can feel everything old me would feel, i dont have to feel it as new me. If that makes sense. Imean.. because it is sad. and its ok to recognize that. Its ok that the 28 year old me wanted a family with someone so badly and we never had the chance for so many unfair reasons. It is sad. But i am not sad for where I am today. I have grown and learned so much. I'm so incredibly far from perfect and im far from a finished product but I'm so much better than I was. And I think it has to do with what Ive gone through with max and divorce and greiving old plans and ideas of how things should be. 
I think God tried to tell me over and over in so many ways that making plans is good, but dont set them in stone. dont think i have so much power over plans and my life. Work towards something, but. that I have no real say in it all. The darker it is, the easier it is to see the stars.
Okay okay... Anyways...
Max has been sober now since April 1st. Yeah, I hate this sobriety date. "April Fools". Probably the scairest sobriety date someone can actually have lol. Anyways.. 2 days until 8 months! 9 months on new years :) Which is a pretty cool 9 month mark.
Things havent been butterflies and roses just because he's been sober though. Its been EXTREMELY hard. Sometimes it seems like its worse than when he was using. But. There's progress. We love each other. And all you can do is try. 
I know a lot of people might hear our story and think i am a moron for bieng with him. But I dont think I'm being stupid or careless. I think the love I've shown him.. and not all the time - I'm not perfect and I make so many mistakes, especially in this because its all so new for me but.. I think the grace and love I've had at times has made a difference. I'm not the reason he is sober. But I do believe I played a part in it. And that matters to me. His life matters to me no matter what happens to us. 
I'm going back to school. I feel like such a loser at 31 and still not having a degree but better late than never I suppose. this is my 4th semester and its not going great. the first 3 were good. i did well in all my classes. But this semester. I've had so much to deal with. Kodi. However wonderful he is, it has been hard. Kodi is my samoyed puppy. He's not a puppy anymore. well, he will be 1 year old on December 8th :) He is so big now. I miss when he was small enough I could pick him up. I miss picking him up like a baby. My little polar bear baby :( But as hard as he can be to handle sometomes with everything going on, its also better to have him... people sometimes ask me if i ever think of getting rid of him. There have been days the lasrt few months that he is my saving grace. That he was the only reason I woke up and got out of bed that day. And he is the reason my sleeping schedule remains consistent and normal. He wakes me up without fail every day at 6 - 7 am ... actually lately he's let us sleep in. but he gets me up, he gets me out by NEEDING to go to the dog park. if he doesnt get to the dog park at least once a day he is a giant ball of energy the rest of the day. It gives me exercise and times to clear my head which wouldnt happen otherwise and I would just sit and stare at my schoolwork, overwhelmed and unproductive. He is so much more than a dog. And when I have meltdowns, especially the times, and theres been more than I'd like to admit the last few months.. when max has decided to break up with me.. and im alone and cannot handle it.. he's there. sitting by me. loving me. licking my tears. smiling at me. lol. my smiley dog. I couldnt have picked a better dog. samoyeds ALWAYS look happy to see you. Always.
Well, there's so much more but I think that's good for now. I have so freaking much to do. Homework and I wanted to read tonight from the blue book. i also need to look for a place to live because right now we are staying at a friend of maxs.  Too much to explain in an entry and I probably wont get into it anyways but its just been a crazy month. HOpefully as we do what we need to, things will continue to settle down. They already have.
We had a good day today. When I love myself, its easier for others to love me also. When I dont let my fears overpower my thoughts, its easier to see the whole picture and live in the moment. When I live in the moment, I find more peace in myself and apprecaition in him. This week I've seen myself clearer, and its scary and hard. And I've also seen him clearer.. and can be more understanding.

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40 (89)
20 years ago i never thought i'd reach this day alive: i turned 40!
Thank you Mum :)

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Dear Gary Fan 336 (200)
Oh dear Lord. How much has changed. My love and I have been together for over two years now. We've moved in together and actually made our first adult buy yesterday. Hes the sweetest man in the world. He still has his struggles but he goes above and beyond when he knows I'm not at my best. I really don't know where Id be with out this man in my life. I doubt I would have pursued my doctoral degree with out him.. He has so much faith in me, sometimes i just feel like i don't deserve that man's love.. Anywho - life is amazing, it has its ups and downs but there less daunting when I have him by my side. 

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Yep (118)
German music got better the last years:

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Hello Weenie! (101)
Halloween isn't THAT thing here in Germany but it crawls upon all of us the last 20 Years or so.
My little one went out the first time trick and treatin' this year and he wanted to be a mummy :D
I need new first aid kits for both cars now.
We sat long in the backyard around the fire had beer and eggnog, ordered a pizza and listened to Bob Marley. Some neighbours came over, some not. Whatever, it was a great evening.

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1429 (171)
Floo powder, Mudbloods, Mandrakes, Whomping Willow, flying cars, Gringotts, goblins, dragons, Scabbers, prefect, Bloody Baron, Peeves, Dark Arts, Chocolate Frogs, Diagon Alley, Muggles, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, Leaky Cauldron, Pumpkin Pasties, Cauldron Cakes, Licorice Wands, Daily Prophet, Sickles and Knuts, Dursleys, Black Forest, Nimbus Two Thousand, Flourish and Blotts, Hedwig, Ministry of Magic, Dumbledore, Sorting Hat, Quidditch, Kings Cross, Platform 9 and 3/4, Nearly Headless Nick, Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington, Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Hogwarts, Voldemort, Moaning Myrtle, Weasleys, Harry Potter!
Oh how I've missed these words and have forgotten how happy they make me when I read them again. 

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1427 (108)
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, buttercup,
But my rights don't end where your feelings begin." 

"If you want to love me, 
You better be a storm chaser." 
-Stephanie Bennett-Henry

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1426 (107)
A day for me.  A cheap date for myself.
Made chili when I got home.  mmm
I skipped Ward Visits last night.
I refused any responsibility that night. 
I spent $1.23 on a movie instead.  I wanted to laugh.
Logan Lucky.   Made me laugh.   Reminded me of my brothers.
Bought an ICEE for $1.69 at the gas station and got my own popcorn at home.
Came home and watched Cloverfield.  A movie where everyone dies! 
I want to watch scary/halloween movies from now until Halloween. 
Already watched Corpse Bride. 
Hocus Pocus, Nightmare Before Christmas, What Lies Beneath, Cloverfield, Edward Scissorhands, Gremlins, Jaws, Jurassic Park, 1408, Priest, (the ones I own) etc. 
Need more Channing Tatum tho after Logan Lucky.  Jupiter Ascending. 
I think I own Dear John maybe it might be that one.  
Had the sudden urge to watch Juno again too. 
I took pictures of myself laying in a grassy spot full of leaves.  I love leaves! 
I had my roommate take some pictures too.  I cropped, framed, and colored them to make them look better.  And then figured out how to post them on Facebook.  Yay.   I quite like them. 
The last "professional" pictures I took was last year this month.  It seems I am okay taking pics of me to post to the world once a year, always in October. 
My favorite month!  Pumpkin everything!  And endless shrimp at Red Lobster with me Mum around her bday! 
I'm feeling impulsive!  Oohh Amazon! This is not going to be good...  The period must be coming. 

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Autumn (127)
Well, it seems that autumn works on mostly everything. The anger, the arguments and the hate has died. My need for a diary vanished again and i'm not feeling so pissed off all the time. Thanks autumn, for killing the negativity (is that even a word).

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Good old days (152)
It’s like it never happened 

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1425 (100)
"Eventually you will end up where you need to be
With who you're meant to be with
And doing what you should be doing." 
"If you have a bad thought about yourself
Tell it to go to hell
Because that is exactly where it came from"
-Brigham Young
"You're gonna meet one great girl in this life.
And from the moment you meet her, you'll know she's trouble.
She's gonna be weird. She's gonna have attitude.
She's gonna make you do things you haven't done.
She'll make you see things, she'll make you feel."

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Untitled (289)
I feel like I have to pee, but through my eyes

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The one that got away (206)
We would have been there.
I know you have seen everything.
Just come back.
I feel like it is no coincidence I check back the same day you did.
I need you to know I am here no matter what. 

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[139] Shadows Still Remain (184)
It's been awhile since I've made an entry. I don't know what to say other than it sucks but it's hard to remember to update here when I have so many things going on in real life all the time.
I'm in my second semester of college and it's been pretty good so far. The work is pretty daunting but I'm fighting to keep my perfect GPA.
As of yesterday I've moved into what I hope is my permanent living situation - for at least a few years, anyway. I haven't been in a house in a while so it's nice to not be in an apartment anymore. I can blast my music again. Which is really good.
I've been working hard on my projects and trying to get them to completion. I am hoping to finish with them by December. Which means a shit ton of baking, two books out, and my TCG ready to be Kickstartered.
I've also started talking to a few people from the SC again. It's been really great and I'm glad we're able to talk and let go of the previous BS drama. Probably helps that I've matured and I'm sure they have also. But it's nice.
I've been fighting again to get my anxiety in order...which always happens this time of year. You'd think I'd be used to it by now but it just sucks. I wonder if I'll ever be fully rid of it. Probably not, but I gotta have hope. And I refuse to let it stand in my way.
I'm going to do great things.

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