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A Hegelian Response To Love (2)
Philosophers prefer to leave the subject and or concept of love behind, for the puffs, poets, painters, and politicians. On this view, love isn't a hard task to rail in and analyze, but rather its a fools errand. Still there have been some who speak on love and explore its means and consequences. Here I speak of Schopenhauer and Kierkegaard and some of the Christian Philosophers such as Augustines Confessions. The first two [Schopenhauer and Kierkegaard] were essentially rebelling against Hegel’s logical system of absolute spirit. For them the universal mechanisms in Hegel’s dialectic left the individual behind in view for a whole rational. Hegel believed that spirit, zeitgeist, mind—or really—rational was inevitable end of a long historical process. 
Schopenhauer and Kierkegaard challenged this thesis in their own individual ways. The former opted for a much more invasive ontological system i.e. will to power. While the latter looked at the clash between rationality and faith, and how faith may be the better of the two. Love is anxiety, fear, and trembling, before biological determinism. So Schopenhauer for example believed that opposites attract, i.e. tall people want to be with short people etc. He even proposes that people of mixed heritage are a byproduct the will to life, in that it takes two good qualities and turns them into great. 
Meanwhile, Kierkegaard has a much more emotional analysis of love in as much as it is constant leap of faith. If we resign ourselves to take a loss in love than we fail at recognizing the one relation that constitutes our phenomenological experiences. In this case, and for Kierkegaard’s as well this was God. However, if we reduced it down to that of love between two individuals, then what we have is a failure to recognize ones own transcendence. That is that one can be more than just their own biological conditioning or even their sexual desire. 
What these two views do is two fold. First it takes the concept of love and brings it down in to the material world. Second, the concept is then elevated beyond those factors and almost becomes an ideal or romanticized view.   
However, Im not ready to give up on Hegel’s logical system in that I think it makes the most sense psychologically. Yes, love is anxiety and all biological and we often times try to mask that by elevating it to the status of noumena or absolute truth beyond our reaching. But Hegel’s historicism gives us the chance to some day reach that ideal. If history is constantly synthesizing all the worlds ideas into one, then true Love or at least some conception of it is at its logical end very possible. However, Kierkegaard is right what is rational is not always best. Sometimes we have to act on faith even if we are secular. The fact that I have no immediate access to anyone else’s consciousness but my own, leaves some form of certainty much to be desired. For what it is worth psychologically we all have to deal with objectification whenever we encounter ourselves in any relation between what Heidegger calls the “mitsein” and being in the world. 
Then what do we do about love? Is it possible? What is it? 
It seems that any concerns we have can only fall off to the level epistemology. Love is a kind of knowledge tied closely to our emotional triggers. This is where Hegel’s system truly shines, in that, there is a dialectics of belief. What one radically believes or disbelieves has its origins on the inside at its opposite. That is the more someone is an ardent believer in something the more likely they will actually disbelieve in something. A clear case is that of religion. As the world becomes increasingly more equalized old institutions must position themselves to the spirit of day. In the matters of christianity for example people can follow Christ, but at the same time hold on to interpretation when best suits their need. What is in the logic, ultimately, undermines the logical system because it must always be upheld. The more you love the more you don’t. The less you do the more you really do. And I think this what Shakespeare is trying to achieve by having his characters be absolutely sure of themselves but on the inside is pure insecurity. The wife who rings her hands in disbelief about a murder, her and her husband committed, is actually a true belief constantly being repressed and thus emerges symbolically through the act of moving hands. This is how a Hegelian response to the problem of love would work. There needs to be a proper balance between the two beliefs. Thus the pressures have somewhere to go once engaged in the relation itself. And while biologically we are determined individuals, we can over come these material mechanisms through belief alone. Therefore, true [L]ove is accident, because we cannot travel there on opposing beliefs. To do that would just be perpetuation of the battle of ideas. 

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Top Six Songs That Make Me Think Of Taleese (22)
1.  All I Really Want to Do - Bob Dylan (5/7/65) Bootleg
2.  I've Been Trying - The Impressions
3.  The Real of It - Said the Whale
4.  That Mouth - Owen (Mike Kinsella)
5.  You Don't Know My Name - Alicia Keys
6.  When We Fall In - Sean Hayes
I seriously need to get my shit together. 

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[2002] Must Be Nice (22)
Things are weird.
Last weekend tim and i met with our tenants to renew their lease. We've been so lucky.. they are amazing tenants. Keep the place spotless, no complaints and they pay early or on time. I'm glad we decided to give them the benefit of the doubt.. one of them had something strange oj their credit report but they explained that it was wrong but still i asked a close friend of mine who rents out lots of places what she would do and she said she wouldnt risk it. But tim said he trusted them. And his intuition is usually pretty good.
The condo was udnerwater just last year.. we owed more than it was worth. And it felt like a bad investment. all the renovations felt like a waste of time and money.. but now it seems silly to have worried.. the market is doing better and its worth at least 30k more than we owe now. Not that we'd sell.. but if there was a need to we could now.  Just feels good to know it wasnt all for nothing. Blood sweat and tears sometimes does pay off.
Speaking of blood sweat and tears.. i go through waves.. idk how it is for other people who have been through similar situations but.. sometimes i am on top of the world and feel confident and strong and capable of anything and whats happened to me and my past and my pain only fuels me and drives me to push myself.. and i know it coulf be worse and i remember that when i start to feel bad.. and sometimes.. like now.. it weighs and keeps weighing me down further and further until i feel completely useless and hopeless and alone. Worthless. Pathetic. Incapable of even the simplest tasks. Trying my best to focus on skmeyhing that matters. Obsessing over things that dont. Wanting to slip into denial. Its what i do best. But I'm learning. Slowly. Denial isnt the answer. I can overcome these things. I have before. My pain doesn't define me. I've been so low and conflicted. But thats not who i am and I'm not going to force myself out of it before i am ready but i know i need to work towards moving on. From several things. Whether i want to move on from some things or not i have to. There's nothing to hold me back. This started about one thing and switched to something else so its confusing but.. its 2 very stressful and very different things I'm going through and i just need to get over both.
In related news..  i dont like looking at my lion. I dont like holding him. Idk.
I need to run. I might join that kickboxing class with my mom. She keeps asking me to go. 
So much is going on.
I've been learning french on my duolingo app. 5 day streak.. ive been doing it for a couple weeks but 5 days is the longest.  I can say stupid stuff that no sane person would ever need to say.. like the monkey eats the pasta. Or pink elephants wear hats. Hehe. All the different tenses are freaking hard though... and i guess duolingo is good with reading and hearing stuff but i still sound super weird when i say stuff. O well. Anyways its been a really good, easy distraction. Not that french is easy.. its ridiculous sometimes.. doesnt make any freaking sense.. but its easy to get lost in it.
I was working on my site last week. I guess i dropped the ball recently. I cant concentrate on anything.. had a lot on my mind.  But i recently got a bunch of it off my chest..  maybe itll help.. idk. 
Its weird.. i dont know why but when people hurt me and say sorry... i feel more bad for them having to tell me sorry than i do for myself having to be told. Its almost like i feel the need to tell them to stop and its ok.. dont be sorry... not almost.  Always. and i do that a lot.. "no its ok. Its fine". Without even thinking. But some stuff i dont think should be so easy. At all. Some stuff.. it just is. I cant explain.. but. Sorry isnt enough. And yet i still feel bad that its being offered.  I shouldnt care.
I have to go to a dentist appointment at 2. Its almost 10am. Havent slept all night and all morning. Tried. Cant. Might try again but i dont want to miss it. So i guess staying up works. I havent slept much. I dont drink enough water. Havent worked  out in a couple days. I look like crap. I feel like crap. At the same time... i actually dont feel as crappy as i would expect myself to feel considering the clusterf*ck of nonsense going on right now.
I'm hungry. 
I think its great some people find the means to get over things so quickly.  Must be nice.  
I want chocolate.
I have. So much. To do.  Its. Insane.

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The end has happened 50 years ago. (6)
Im starting to think that McLuhan dude was right when he said, " We look at the present through a rear-view mirror. We march backwards into the future." Are we all just taking it all in stride or is there another way to sort of kick our bad habbits in the face. Who knows who cares as always yours. 

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Chin up. (13)
There are a few songs that I feel
have the power to put me back together.
Songs that illuminate my fears and
force me to cry out the toxins that cloud
my body. I go through waves.
Waves of complete and utter self
awareness. Waves of indifference to
my own body and the person I've become.
This ebb and flow eventually ways on me
untill one day-- its like i wake up from a slumber.
After days, weeks, months of instability
masked by laughter and smiles-- I wake  up
and hate the girl who looks back at me in the
Do I even know her anymore? Is she apart of me?
Against me?
My realization sends me into a spiral.
I have to fix everything. All at once.
Everything. But its impossible.
I crash. I burn.
But then one of these songs comes on..
it goes through everything---
my body, my mind, my soul.
And rejuvenates me and puts me back together

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Childhood Trauma Blues (18)
Child abuse has been foremost on my mind lately. Namely, how utterly fucked up I am from it.
I want to become a specialist in child abuse. Advocacy, teacher intervention, and counseling with adolescent and adult survivors.  I want to educate people on the subject. I want to write memoirs, and self-help guides, and academic works on the subject, and perhaps most of all, fiction that kids and teens can read and know that they are not alone.
I have recently learned (a little - basically the Wikipedia version) about complex ptsd. It's not like typical ptsd. It's a totally different diagnosis, stemming from chronic trauma, and can present without full-on flashbacks.
So.... Yeah. I totally have that.
I noticed the other day that I was having kind of emotional flashbacks. I often get completely emotionally overwhelmed at the thought of ding housework. Cleaning house was a huge issue for me in my childhood. I didn't pick up on it as quickly as reading or math, and my grandma didn't have any patience to teach me. But she had plenty of energy for punishment. If it wasn't perfect, if it wasn't done exactly right or exactly on time, I was in for a session of severe abuse.
Flash forward to the present day: I am an absolute perfectionist. If I cannot be absolutely certain that I can complete a task perfectly, and (this is important) without interruption, I will not begin it at all. I focus in on absurdly small details. I can spend hours cleaning the refrigerator. I use up every bit of energy in my body. By the end, I am frothing at the mouth from dehydration. And very little has gotten done. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. I can only do this once a month or so.
It is impossible for me to keep up with the messiness of everyday life.
My social skills, too, have suffered. I confuse deference with politeness. I wait and wait and wait on people. I don't express opinions unless someone has already expressed that opinion to a favorable response. I appear to be a follower or a parrot.
I am so afraid that people will reject me, that I lead them to do so. It is also exhausting. I have lost so many friends. It hurts to make more as I try to improve my social skills. It hurts because I know there is a chance that I will lose the next batch, too. It greatly discourages progress and practice.
That's another thing. I don't like doing anything I am not already good at. I have never been exposed to patient, encouraging tutelage. I don't even know how to take encouragement.


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Prediction (27)
No one at all shows up to my birthday party, I look like an asshole taking up a whole 8-person booth for six hours with dwindling, bittering, stubbornly undying hope that someone, anyone out there actually wants to spend time with me.

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A funny thing (10)
The closest I came to telling anyone about being molested was with my other two molestors.

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step back. (20)
I was much more a badass then. Back when very little mattered to me.
Now im hunkered down with baggage. Love. Selflessness. God. Morals. Honesty. All of those nasty little bugs that sneak in. Settle in.
How  disturbing. Maybe i was before off with a heart of stone.

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1305 - quotes (27)
I went looking for an "Always Kiss the Cook" vinyl decal for my kitchen and found some more vinyl decals with quotes that remind of some of my family if I could give each of them one... 
I've wanted the "Always Kiss the Cook" pritti much since the WY summer of 2006 when I would go get breakfast the "mess hall" and whats-his-face the cook man would never hand me a plate of breakfast until I gave him a kiss on the cheek.  It made me laugh.  As long as it wasn't the old man creepy cook. 
They have John Lennon lyrics, Winnie the Pooh, Harry Potter, Where the Wild Things Are, and of course Dr. Suess. 
And they have a The Notebook quote on vinyl too!  Haha!  That's for me.
"So it's not going to be easy,
Its going to be really hard.
We are going to have to work at this every day.
But I want to do that because I want you 
I want all of you, forever!" 
"I want you
I want all of you, forever, every day
You and me, every day."
"Although she be but little, she be FIERCE"  -Shakespeare
"Don't try to hard to fit in. 
You were born to stand out."  
"I have found the one my soul loves"  - Songs of Solomon
"Life is like a camera , 
focus on whats important,
capture the good times,
develop from negatives
and if things dont work out
take another shot " 
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." 
"We may not have it all together, but together we have it all." 
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"I was born to be stubborn
to be a little bit bitchy
to push people, to push myself
I was taught never to take life for granted
to live a little, to love with everything I had
to never give up, to believe in myself
but most of all, to fight for myself."  
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, its learning to dance in the rain."
"Faith is not believing that God can, it is knowing He will." 
"For God so loved the world He gave His One and Only Son." - John 3: 16
"God bless the broken road, that led me straight to you" -Rascall Flatts
"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."  -Marilyn Monroe
"Hakuna Matata - it means no worries" - The Lion King
"We are all a little weird
life's a little weird, and when we find someone
whose weirdness is compatible with ours,
we join up with them
we fall in mutual weirdness and call it love!" 
-Dr. Seuss

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being heard. (17)
i yelled and i was heard; i was so unaware. i blinded myself, so focused on the chemistry in my body that made my right hand numb.
sleep, that's what i would like.
they were right, i've been moving through life on emotional loans. self-medicating the symptoms, somewhat aware of the complexity of the underlying issues. i've sheltered myself in a quilt of denial, it's been so cold. 
where do i go from here?
this is the first time i do something for myself in months? 
my cells die and i still move. the thought of that gives me goose bumps. why am i stil here?
what am i working towards? i've lost sight of what's important. i feel sick. 
i close my eyes and my body wants to collapse but the caffeine in my system won't allow it. i blame the caffeine but i know it's a combination of anxiety and hunger.
i want to search for a little corner and rest. my little corner. can i sleep? this doesn't feel real.
i'm so cold.
what do i do. a question that's more of a statment.
a wooden bat.
what have i done.

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[1997] Coincidental (11)

Lol in case anyone is wondering... that's my spot on impression of kevin sorbo and his brilliant acting skills in this Hercules outtake...


Haha. Ok. No. Serious time though. Things have been meh. Meh to the max. Times a floppity gillion and rolled in severed body parts. But lately, unlike before europe, I've been surprisingly up beat and positive. Idk. Lol i have no reason to be. Uhg. I don't know.. maybe because i realize for the first time in a long while that i am not quite so old as I force myself to believe.. and maybe this is still just the beginning of good things. Maybe. No.. probably.
But yeah yesterday was weird. Not weird weeeird. More like a rollercoaster of emotional turmoil. But I am figuring things out, contrary to what many people might think... slowly but surely. I've always been a bit on the impulsive side.. trying to be different. Trying. Slow and steady wins the race? That doesn't apply here does it? 

Its cold. I had a dentist appointment today. The first one in like 6 or 7 years. Gross i know.  Not because i couldn't afford it or something.. honestly for the first few years i just didn't even think about it.. and then once i did i kept putting it off.. and then forgetting about it. Since being back I've felt so much more proactive in every area.. i guess this was no exception. The lady that took my x-rays looked at me and said "in over 6 years?.. but.. honey how old are you??" .. I've been getting so used to this reaction lately.. i dont see it as an imposition anymore but a genuine curiosity for most people who meet me and there is an implication that I'm not a teenager. i really personally dont think i look as young as they say.. maybe 25. But most people still think I'm way younger.. i thought they were all just being nice but it happened even more in europe. It happens any time i meet anyone really. 90% of the time it happens every time. Heh. Anyways then the dentist came and did the exact same thing and her and the xray tech both speculated on it for a minute. Its always uncomfortable but again.. starting to gwt used to it. I mean. Its a good thing. I enjoy it now but it is still super awkward. She was really impressed that my mouth was in good condition considering how long it had been. And no cavities c: its especially flattering when a dentist asks if you've had braces before and you haven't. So yeah.. i don't know why people hate the dentist.. totally made my day today. And i needed a little pick me up considering all the crap I've been worrying about.

That reminded me of this scene from mean girls..
"Alyssa, I'm sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. Its not your fault you're so gap-toothed" Hee
Now I'm eating at Mighty Mouth ;p
So there's a SOLAR-POWERED backpack! >_< If i backpack again there's no way I'm not getting one. About 1/5 the cost of something like an external battery pack. But about 10 times better. Would have helped all those times.. yes all.. that i forgot to charge my phone and regretted iy immensely. 

I'll finish this later..
Actually the rest is probably best for a private entry. Thought i had more fluff but I guess its less fluffy than I thought...
Also... I hav so much to do. And and also... my back hurts.

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[1996] (9)
Sooo sleeping is overrated.
Apparently my body just doesnt get the concept... that its good. that i neeeeed it.
I actually slept in late yesterday.. after being up all night.. like tonight. It seems I must be utterly exhausted before my body will accept the notion of sleep. Idk why it always wants to reset itself to this crazy schedule that works for no one.
I was worried about asking and then when I finally decided to I learned that my uncle and aunt were on vacation so I havent been able to make plans. And its been.. so.. hard. and awkward and then normal.. which feels even worse sometimes because things are anything but normal. things are so incrediby far from normal right now. Weeks ago going to my moms wasnt an option. But things change. And i finally askd her and she said ok. I was supposed to go Monday but well tim was working on the car and something happened and he needs to order a part. which he did should be here soon. But I cant drive it until then and he needs the other car to go to work sooooooooo.. yeah. Also the washer wasnt working and someone is going to come look at it so i said i would be here when they do.
Soo basically I know nothing about everything. I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled in so many conflicting directions. And the biggest dilema isnt even the only one. Even without it I'm ridiculously overwhelmed. One thing is that I dont know if i should go back to school or not. Or how I would if I wanted to. I mean that really depends on a lot of stuff.. like the outcome of the big dilema. and job stuff....
This new site idea just seems stupid sometimes. Sometimes not but most of the time... it just seems like a waste of time. and wonder if i should do what i always do and give up on it before giving it a chance and just applying at some stupid computery job doing stupid crap to make money for someone else and work crap hours andbe miserable like everyone else.  everyone keeps saying that "everyone hates their job".... with this undertone of judgement ringing through.. like I am immature and stupid because I dnt want to settle into a life i hate just because "everyone else" does it. Which isnt even true at all. I used to want to be an actress (which honestly just sounds stupid now). I really seriously wanted to but had no experience.. but i was too afraid and insecure. Sometimes I want to take classes or get a coach and try again bu again it all depends on other things. But trying and failing at that seems more inticing than succeeding at most other things. Besides acting.. i like music. but i suck at guitar. i still suck at drums. and it all just seems like a waste of time when i think of pursuing it s anything other than a hobby. the computer science crap all used to make sense. but now.. idk. i realize if i get into that again I'll just be asking for one of those 9-5 jobs and office politics and bs water cooler chit chat with some person who doesnt give a real crap what i have to say.. just tryng to get an angle to stab me in the back or gossip about me. Its what always seems to happen.
I just want to make a difference somehow. I realize now as I get older.. and older.. and older.. that that's asking a lot. So many people.. some people are just going to live ordinary lives... it takes a lot to actually do something with meaning or impact peoples lives in a positive way. One reason i wanted to be an actress was yeah it would be fun getting to play diffrent roles and personalities and pretty much "dress up" who doesnt love that... but also because of the influence they have.. some use it for evil (and by evil i mostly mean stupidity) but some are actually good people and try to give back and make the world better. I had so many ideas last year. One ws for a nonprofit organization. But nothing comes from it because I didnt believe in it enough. I feel more capable to do certain things now but still. its overwhelming. If i had a nickel for evry idea i had that didnt amount to anything.. I'd be rich.
Did you know you need a bachelors degree to join the peace corps...
Which brings me back to schoool. Its so expensive. Being in Europe I met so many people with masters degrees. Not just because its important in their culture but its also super cheap and in some cases pretty much free. I've always felt I'm stupider than I should be... and if that doest make sense... that's exactly my point. Wasted potential. Because of money. Even with financial aid. And then no financial aid because i was married and we made JUST enough to not qualify but hardly enough to afford a full schedule per semester. So I took a class here and there. But I was dumb and did computer classes because I was working and it made more sense.. at the time.. to learn more in my field. It should be a requirement to finish general ed classes before any others because at least then you have those out of the way and are half way to your degree even if you change your mind andd switch fields. I did it alll wrong. I read that frrance and germany are really cheap even for foriegners. Under $400 for an entire year cheap. Usually its more than that per semester... at a community college.
I was complaining about this the other day to tim.. and ended by saying i was really consdering going to school in europe for this reason. a few days later he told me that stanford or some big name school announced that they're going to be offering free courses too and if they do maybe i could go there or maybe other schools will follow their lead. I said thats awesome. But, not to be negative, I could never get into a school like that. Also.. it'll probably be years. So. unfortunately, it cant really benefit me now.
I just want to travel again. More. 2 months sounds like a lot but it was so short. it was nothing. i would have liked to slow down. Seen more cities in 1 country. Venture away from the center more. I'm so glad I went to cinque terre. I really feel like that was the most beautiful, authentic place I went.
I dont think I even wrote much about the rest of my travels after Prague. Vienna, Austria.... overrated. Budapest... nice. fun. I liked it. Venice was pretty cool. a little dirty... people seriously need to pick up after their dogs or teach them to go in appropriate places... but yeah it was unique. Florence was fun but thats around the time my cold was turning into bronccitis. Met cool people. It was pretty. Statue of David was so amazing. My Rom experience was terrible. I saw the colusseum and that was awesome but thats pretty much all I saw. Barcelona was.. great. I arrived sick but I got better by the end. I had a really good time there.. Even though I also didnt see much but supermarkets and cafes. London was expensive.. I had a good time thought because I stayed at a category 7 hyatt hotel.. andaz on liverpool. Didnt pay for it.. i earned 2 free nights by signing up for the credit card and spending like $1000 in 3 months. Just used it for rent one time. And it was cool because they had free sacks and drinks an the bed was really comfortable. My biggest travel regret by far.. not going to frane. What is wrong with me? I'm not exactly sure. I guess I just wasnt in the right state of mind after being sick so long and feeling tired and just wanting to rest... like really rest. be alone. no obligations. but if i could change things i think i would have definitely stayed longer.. i think i would have gone to geneva and stayed iwth a friend and then tried to woolf in france. or something. or jut straight to ffrance. i ended up spending a lot more than i wanted in order to come home early.. if i just used it to go there first and fly out of denmark or sweden or norway.. would have probably been cheaper. I dont know why i didnt think of it.. i mean i flew into denmark for less than $300.
Anyways. ANd now I'm back. Its been almost a month now its weird. Time keeps snowballing.
I've been purging stuff in the garage. Getting rid of anything and everything we dont need or use. Its hard... how do people collect so much stuff? And really.. we dont have a lot of suff compared to most people. Espcially since i did this same thing last year and when we moved.. but still... so much stuff.
I guess I'll sleep. This was long and pointless. And really negative but o well. I'm sad.
i never learn.

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a long time has passed. (25)
I may have been in my early twenties when i began this.
Time has seen fit to leave me with very vague memories.
I do know that it had been a particular awkward time in my life.
College. Depression. Feelings of utter despair for no real reason. Suicidal thoughts. And ultimately the passing of my mother.
Those moments in time I recorded here. Hidden away from prying eyes. Hidden away from myself.
After she passed, my mother Marcella, I only found it fitting to become a waste. I drownded myself in lovely cocaine and ever seductive drink.
And finally when I had lost everything. Money. Happiness. Dignity. Friends. I left. I ranaway. I ran to SinCity.
While there my indulgences only grew and grew. My hunger for nothingness became almot insatiable. And I paid the price.
Met many a good friend. Lost many more good friends. Homelessness. Emptiness. Sadness. And eventually a mission.
The LVRM. A rehab program centered around my only loving enemy at the time - Jesus. Go figure.
I stayed. I sobered up. I became SAVED. I met the father of my three beautiful children. And we ran away to hell. Texas.
Terrible ups and downs. Terrible lies. Fighting. Pain. And violence. And CPS. And than clarity.
Jobs. Money. He and I became partners in crime instead of enemies out of love. We had our girl. Then another. And then the boy.
Still happiness faded. Texas suffocated. Dry. Boring. I was not bred country tough. I was born urban smart. And the dullness became too much.
So we ran away back to SinCity. And I find myself happier. My heart lighter. My mind at ease. And I am ready to give theRiot, ShyThug, and the RuckPup all the adventure they can stand.

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Untitled (16)

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1304 (10)
I feel like I have no purpose in life anymore. 
At that time in my life my purpose was to be with my dog. 
And now what?
"What's wrong, what's wrong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs.
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside
With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside
. ...And now you can't find

What you left behind
Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's falling behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's falling from grace
She's all over the place yeah
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside
With no place to go
No place to go to
Dry her eyes
Broken inside
She's lost inside lost inside
She's lost inside lost inside"
-Avril Lavigne - Nobodys Home
"And the people here are asking after you
It doesn't make it easier
It doesn't make it easier"
-Dashboard Confessionals - A Plain Morning

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1303 (15)
"Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon"
-Eve 6

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[959] every gambler knows (39)
so then 
so then so then
i don't know
here's the thing it's that i know i have crushes on people all the time, but i don't necessarily want them. i want the idea of them, i want this idea of a life i want the thought, the daydream, the imagination, but i don't want the reality of them and that's fine. i can deal with that, i can handle that i've always handled that (just not always well)
but does anybody want the idea of me
is the thing
does anybody ever look at me from across the room, does anybody ever look at me and think 
does anybody ever just
i just want to know that somebody considers
and that's so juvenile and i don't even think i want to date anyone i don't think i want to have sex i don't think i want a traditional relationship but then what if there is a relationship out there for me 
i don't know. it's stupid. i don't want to date anyone but i want someone to want to date me and that is a stupid hangup.
i'm happy by myself, i'm happy in my own space doing my own thing. 
i don't know where i was going with this. i guess i'm just lonely sometimes. but not really (but a little). 
but i know i'd rather be lonely by myself than lonely with someone else. so i've got that going for me at least.

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1302 (15)
Its so quiet.
There's no heavy breathing in my room.  No groans or grunts.  No rustle of the dog bed as he circles before plopping down with a grunt.  No more almost raspberry sound and slight whine when he wants my attention. No more rustle of the christmas lights as he pokes his nose out the door.
In the morning: 
No more nose stuck in my face and the slight whine to get my attention/wake me up at 6am.  No more going down the stairs half asleep one step at a time in time with my dogs steps down.  No more reason to open the door to let him outside to go potty.  No more standing on the landing  with my "gimme gimme" hands to get him to come back upstairs with me.  No more scarf on the floor to wedge between the door so the dog doesn't feel trapped with the door closed.  No more pants on the floor to catch the door from flying wide open when he finally makes it up the stairs and barges into the door with his nose.  No more black marks on the door frame and door from his nose and body rubbing against it.  No more laying in bed and looking over at him laying on his bed or standing expectantly waiting for me to get up.  No more dog hair on my sheets.  No more dog leaning against the mattress as he lowers himself to the ground.  No more dog hair on the side of the box spring and mattress where he lays. No more pulling out a random hand out to the edge of the bed so the dog can nudge me some more and so I can pet his head.  No more explaining I want to rest for another 45 minutes as he wakes up cuz my roommate is getting ready for work and/or my alarm wakes him.  No more frantic turn around towards the door when I finally get out of bed.  No more opening the door wide to make him feel comfortable first thing in the morning.  No more nose sniffing the pants I decide to wear that morning and putting them on carefully as not to knee the dog in the nose as he sniffs. No more nose cautiously stepping onto the bathroom floor in order to sniff me as I'm brushing my hair.  No more expectant look when I got to the closet to get a washcloth wondering if I'm going downstairs.  No more bed to haul downstairs for the dog to lay on when I leave.  No more turning on the lights so the dog can see the stairs. No more taking the stairs one at a time along side the dog a second time in the morning.  No more urgency to open the door first to let the dog out, again.  No more reason to put on a jacket and shoes while I wait for the dog to come back in. No more interest in the weather outside, stepping out onto the porch and taking in the morning air. No more daily pills and breakfast for the dog.  No more eating my food and taking my pills and then getting his pills and food ready.  No more pushing down food into his tray from the feeder.  No more clanking on the water bowl from his dog tags when he drinks.  No more reason to refill water bowl.  No more cans of wet dog food to appease him in his old age when food and walks are his only joy in life.  No more dog sitting on the carpet piece in the kitchen while he waits and watches me fix my food and sit down and eat.  No more curious and brave dog to trek across the kitchen floor sniffing for any dropped food when I sit down to eat. No more click clack of his claws on the floor as he carefully walks from carpet piece to the front room. No more slow and awkward walk as the dog stands direcly in front of me in the front room and I'm trying to get around him as he looks expectantly at me.  No more putting down all my stuff for work in order to open the door and call "Last call for potty".  No more being late cuz the dog takes a while to go potty.  No more reason to say "I'm going buh bye, you stay stay."  No more knowing look that says he knows.  No more reason to say "I woof you" in my silly manner as I shut the door and lock it. No more poop to pick up from the lawn before I drive away.  
In the evening:
No more reason to go home. No more reason to rush any errands in order to get home before 6:30 or 7 in order to let the dog go potty. No more dog to jolt awake when I unlock the door. No more of my favorite stance the dog does when I come home and I use my giddy voice asking him out he is.  No more giddy silly nicknames to call out.  "My max a doodle, my noodle, my oodle oddles, my macarune, my puppies, cutest puppies in the whole wide world" No more of his head ducking out of my reach when I try to pet him.  No more unamused look when he's done with the giddy greeting and wants to go outside.  No more two second greeting before he's done and staring at the door expectantly like I"m not there and I proclaim, "Oh fine, go potty"  and he happily patters outside. No more reason to leave the door open while I gather a dog bag and mail box keys, leaving the groceries or whatnot and going outside with the door.  No more walk down to the grass area and the mail box with a slow and curious sniffing dog the whole way.  No more dog looking up at me from the grass area watching me walk out of sight to the mailbox and looking for me to come back.  No more dog to follow directly behind me when I take the garbage to the street.  No more dog lagging behind and stopping in the middle of the parking lot or sidewalk watching me take the garbage out and not wanting to follow me at times.  No more standing waiting and watching as the dog walks around the yard and picks at the grass trying to eat the good parts.  No more dog in the bushes picking the leaves off and eating them.  No more reason to ask, "are you done yet?"  and using my body language to indicate I was going back to the house.  No more dog to literally follow me back to the house.  No more dog going up the wrong sidewalk to the wrong house and me always correcting him, "One more sidewalk, one more baby"  No more opening the door for an expectant dog.  No more dog to watch me excitedly as I either put on a jacket or take one off wondering if we are going for a walk that night. No more dog that wants/expects me to go to the kitchen for dinner first and foremost.  No more impatient dog with his slight whine and blowing raspberry sound when I dont go to the kitchen for dinner first.  No more nose nudging when I lay on the couch or lay in bed for a quick nap instead of make dinner.  No more reason to get dinner cuz I dont need to feed the dog wet food anymore.  No more watching the clock and mentally setting up times to eat in order to get the dog his pain pills with dinner so I dont have to feed him twice.  No more looking at the clock and wondering how long I've left the dog at home.  No more counting hours.  No more accomodating dogs potty schedule.  No more watching TV with a wandering dog around the front room.  No more nose poking while on the couch.  No more petting his head when he puts it up in my lap.  No more dog sleeping when I watch TV.  No more jumpy dog to get up everytime me or my roommate laughs or coughs or sneezes.  No more reason to open the door at night to let the dog go potty before bed.  No more hauling a bed upstairs for the dog to sleep on.  No more going upstairs and waiting for a dog to follow soon after.  No more heavy breathing as he gets up the stairs and goes straight for his drinking water before getting his wet mug all over my sheets and blankets.  No more circling his bed and plopping down.  No more stepping over his bed to get to the desk to sit and read.  No more dog head on my leg to pet as I read distractedly.   No more nervous jumpy dog to get up when I am done reading and kneel at my bed.  No more plugging in Christmas lights in order to see the dog in the middle of the night if he has nightmares or at 6am before the sun comes up and he wants to go outside.  No more accidental poops on his bed.  No more faint shadow of his white haired framed face in the dark by the bed, in the doorway, laying on his bed.  No more heavy breathing through nose/snoring, no more nightmares, no more twitches and kicks of his legs on a noisy bed.  No more ear aches. No more licking noises as he licks his front legs cuz they hurt.  No more staring at each other in our beds.  No more of my smiles to will him to get up and come over for a pet on the head.  No more dog to hug or attempt to snuggle when I'm sad.  No more dog to walk away nervously when I cry.  
In general:  No more dog jumping at the sound of a wrapper indicating food.  No more dog getting up and poking at nose at me when I cough.  No more nervous dog eyes.  No more of the dog being scared of things in general like kids, cats, balloons, water, toy guns, yelling, play fighting, the hardwood floor, etc.  No more dog pulling away a paw from my grasp or head pulling away from my reach.  No more nips at long sleeves when he greets me.  No more jumps at the doorbell, loud noise or whistle on TV, or thought he heard something.  No more yelp at Gmas when he's outside and wants in.  No more heavy breathing when he gets excited or b/c of pain in his last days. No more digging for moles in the yard. No more cuteness greeting when I come home.  No more trips to Gmas or parents. No more holidays to which the dog gorges on food. No more scary holidays with fireworks. No more dog to sniff guests or family members.  No random sniffings when I come home from an activity and he wants to know where I've been.  No more baths, vet visits, brushings, or otherwise scary activities.  No more treats to give.  No one to give my left over food to, no more vaccum for the kitchen floor when I drop things.  No more reason to go outside period.  No more reason to come home. 
When you make a list like this you notice the things you took for granted. 
It is hard to go home now. Its hard to see all the places he's been, his home, his bed, his food and water, his hair, his yard, his leash, his pills, his carpets he needs on the hard floors, his dog bags, his treats.  Its hard knowing I'll never see him in that place again.  After he left I couldn't stand to be in the house.  I had to leave. 
Its easier to go and be places that he couldn't come with me, that he normally isn't there.  So getting in the car and driving away is normal without the dog and it felt better.  Going to the store or a church activity is normal without the dog. Going to work or the movies is normal without the dog and feels much better. Home is another story. 
So I went to the foot doctor to see about my ingrown toenail finally after like two years. I had some bouts of crying but they stopped by the time I got into the doc. I stood at the counter and gave my information and practiced breathing technics. They prolly thought I was weird breathing like that.  I didn't care what the doc did or said to me.  I was a zombie, just there.  I didnt care if he didn't listen or didn't explain or if I didn't like him.  I didn't even care how long they left me in that room waiting for the doc each time he left. I read through a magazine to distract myself and texted my mom telling her the dog is gone.  Gone is such an ambiguous word.  The doc shot me a few times with a needle to numb my toe which hurt bad, left me forever to let it numb, came back and cut something and bandaged it all up and sent me home with instructions to soak it later in epson salt.  That does not sound pleasant. 
Hobbling out of the doctors office cuz of a giant numb toe in a weird way validated my emotions through something physical, like my body and my emotions were talking to each and together they made me limp to the car.  It made me feel more secure or something.  It was odd.  I got out of the doctors office at 5:30 so it was rush house traffice.  Everyone was going south so the only open lane was the freeway going north. So I went and then traffic clogged up at 7th north so I took that exit and ended up at Gmas.  She's not usually the one I need in such situations, but she was prolly the best option I had, if I had to have someone to talk to. I've ended up at her house on random weekends without the dog to complain about the dog and the decision to end it.  She got all the disaster leading up to this decision, she might as well see the end of the disaster as I finally make the decision.  She, of course, will help me take care of myself physically as I do not feel the need to do such at that time.  She fed me and helped me soak my toe as I was afraid of salt and maybe an open wound.  She attempted to get me to stay overnight as I told her how hard it was at the house.  She distracted me with family business as usual and her quilting for the new babies. 
But now its just random moments of sudden reality slamming into me. My dog is gone. 
It was so quiet in my room.  I didn't know what to do.  I sat on my bed and stared in silence. I was scared to fall asleep.  I laid staring at the walls in silence until the pills took me. I didn't want to wake up thinking my dog was there and wanted to go to the bathroom.  I didnt want to forget and look around my room and remember.  I had to rearrange my bed so I wasn't looking in the general direction of the dogs bed when I woke up.  I didn't turn on the Christmas lights either.  That was for me to be able to see and watch my dog as he sleeps sometimes. 
I thought ending all this would make everything alright if I knew I did it for the right reasons.  But even the right reasons doesn't make this feel better. The aftermath of him physically not being here seems much worse than the right reasons, hence the selfishness to keep him. 
The Day:
I took off work to be with him until his 2pm death sentence.  We did the things he wanted to do and in between I cleaned in order to not think and/or freak out.  I did the dishes and cleaned my room.  I didnt start getting rid of all of his stuff so as to alarm him, but I kinda wanted to stuff it all in a closet right then.  When I wasn't cleaning we did what he loves most.  Eating.  He pritti much ate a whole can of wet food, my last can, breakfast and lunch.  He loved it.  Loved licking the bowl clean.  And then we went on walks.  His other favorite.  The only two joys in life as he doesn't know how to "play" and is scared of everything else.  We went for two short walks.  Tried to keep busy so I wouldn't think.  I gathered his things in the car and he was excited as usual looking expectantly as the door he wanted to go in.  He didn't make the landing when he jumped in, of course, so I hefted him the rest of the way.  I think he scratched up my new black car getting in.  But he got in and was happy.  Still heavy breathing.  My stomach felt so sick.  I drove away.  Longest drive to the vet ever, actually it was all too quick.  He jumped out of the car just fine, ready to go.  He checked out the grass so it took a minute to point him toward the door. He knows that door, that smell, that place.  He doesn't like it.  He wouldn't go in.  So I went in first cuz I knew he'd follow me.  That made my stomach even sicker.  I donated the rest of his medication and paid $204 and consented to his death and I waited for awhile in the waiting room with Max staring at the door.  All the other times he's been in he was able to come back out and leave with me.  I wonder what he thought. I wonder if he knew.  I know he was scared.
She said we could come back and helped me spread the blanket on the floor so he would walk down the hallways.  He wouldn't go and searched frantically for a safe spot in between carpets and blankets.  So I went first cuz I knew he'd follow me.  And he did.  He made it down like two hallways without blankets cuz he was simply following me.  We went into a dingy, small, concrete floor room with a single Precious Moments blanket on the floor and two chairs.  I think I know why they had the rocking chair in there now that I think about it.  They had cute little bookmark and poem memorabilia for the owner to take. The door frame had bite marks and dog scratches all over it as I could imagine a lot of dogs attempted to escape that room. I put all my stuff down on the rocking chair and ready to hold my dog as they poked him.  But the two ladies came in, thank goodness it was the lady doctor today, the other held Max with her back to me so I couldn't see from where I was, which was okay.  There was no touch to calm Max as he was scared and she picked the leg I think hurts him the most to poke.  Then they left for a minute er so while I sat on the blanket and waited for him to sit down also as he couldn't walk to well with being poked and bandaged.  They came back and poked him in the butt with a sedative.  He tried to walk around with that also, but I moved again on the blanket and told him to sit by me and he eventually laid down by me.  He knew the sedative was taking him and he tried to get up a few times but I pulled him back down and got the closet I've ever been to cuddling him without him pulling away from me.  In time his eyes did the weird creepy half way open thing he does when he sleeps sometimes.  I kissed his head and told him I loved him.  Throughout the whole thing I was telling him the pain would go away, esp after they poked his weakest arm.  He was scared and prolly in pain so he breathed heavily until the sedation.  He was so quiet.  The doc came in and asked if I had ever done this before. I said no and she explained what might happen after he stops breathing.  She put the overdose of anesthia in his IV and it took like 30 seconds for his heart and lungs to stop.  She stayed and confirmed he was done breathing, called it a peaceful ending or something, took his collar off for me, and said I could stay as long as I wanted to.  I got all teary as she said this and she left.  I almost wanted to burst into tears as she put the anesthia in simply because the liquid was pink.  The irony.  My love of the color pink is what killed my dog.  Maybe I dont like pink anymore. 
And I finally got to cuddle my dog.  I got to bury my head in his neck and just bawl.  I got to hold his paws with him pulling away. I got to cry  without him being nervous and licking his chops or attempting to walk away.  He was so still.  I didn't realize how jumpy he was at everything I did until he stopped.  He didn't turn his face to me to make me pull away.  He didn't pull away or move or anything.  I know he jumps at the sound of his collar tags clanking cuz he loves that collar.  Its like his badge of honor.  It means he can go for walks.  Even in that room after he was so still I tried to keep the collar tags silenced so he wouldn't jump or get excited.  I realized he wasn't going to so I jingled them just in spite.  I took pictures of his paw in my hand out of spite cuz he never let me hold his paw.  I gloated about the fact I could look at his ear cuz I'm pritti sure he had another ear ache going cuz he shook his more often.  So I got a cue tip and poked in his ear and expected him to pull his head away. I gloated that I finally got to cuddle him and took full advantage to finally getting some snuggle time. I looked at the clock and gave myself a time limit.  I dont remember how long I was there.  But I moved his body into a more Max position and the realization stuck me even harder.  His limp body.  
I prayed to God on top of his chest that didn't move up and down anymore. I thanked God for the dog he let me borrow, for the time we had together, for the love we shared. I asked God to forgive me for keeping him alive when He told me to let him go.  I asked Max to forgive me for the extra pain he might have suffered because I was too selfish and in denial about letting him go.  I asked God to take care of my Max and give him something to do and maybe teach him how to play fetch.  I asked God cuz I wanted to make sure he wasn't in pain anymore and that he would be okay not following me around anymore. I know how important that was to Max.  I asked for any help, strength or courage to be able to move on without Max that day and in the future. 
I got up and gathered my things and I stared at him on the floor, not coming with me.  So still, so silent. No eyes to look back at me. (We spent a lot of time staring at each other the last few nights) Not like my dog. I stepped out the door and couldn't close the door so I left it a crack open, stared one more time before walking away.  I was fine until I got the door Max stared at scared a while ago, wanting out, wanting to go home.  I walked out the door without Max.  I got into my car without Max. I put the stuff in the car like I had Max coming with me. I looked in the backseat and there was no Max.  I just left him there. I just left him there. I did not even allow myself to even attempt to think about what they were going to do to him when I left. I just left that picture of him on that blanket in my mind. I think I hate Precious Moments now.  I cried hard and drove through tears cursing the school to let children out before 3pm on the dot and tried not to run any of them down.  I drove home even though I knew it would hurt.  I allowed myself to be angry for a moment as I got in the house and immediately started washing his empty food feeder and water bowl.  I yanked his beds out of my bedroom and through one outside and stuffed the other in a closet.  I shoved his collar and leash in another closet.  I through anything with his hair on it into the washer.  I cried loudly and tried to leave no sign of him behind.  I had to leave at 3:30 for the doctors appointment.  It was easy leaving the house.  It was easier walking away from the memories of him being in that house and the fact he should prolly be in there right now as I left. 
I just left him there. 
My room is so quiet. My first night sleeping without him in forever. 
He was so quiet, so still, no grunts or groans or heavy breathing.  
I guess he never was a crier.  He'd moan when he hurt or stress breathe.
He's gone.  He really is gone. 
Going to the doctors afterward and then to Gmas and home to shower and go to bed was too normal a thing to do after such an event.  I feel like I needed/wanted to do something dramatic or irrational. 
He never got to see/step on Gmas new carpet.  He likes carpet. 
He's not coming home with me for Easter in two weeks.  He wont be around for my bday.  He wont go up with me to babysit the kids anymore. 
I think I can pinpoint the worst day of my entire life.  March 24, 2015.
The worst day I had back in July 2006 was also a huge turning point in my life, so therefore it may have ultimately been a good thing.  So unless losing my dog gets me a husband, this date is definitely the worst day ever.
I've never had anyone close to me pass away. The second Grandma L passed, I loved her, but she was kinda scary.  So I went to Gma for comfort when my dog died, who am I going to go for comfort when she goes? I dont have a dog to cry on anymore.
My roommate told me about her eye doc appointment and laughed loudly about her dilated eyes when I got home from the worst day of my life.  Really?  She asked how I was first.  Really?  I'm still alive. He's not.
It feels wrong to think about all the things I can do now that he's gone.  The places I can go, the lack of time frame I have, things I can do overnight or late into the night.  Weekends I can disappear or never leave home and not feel bad the dog is stuck at home either way.  Not having to be there to get him dinner or for his pills. I can get excited about something and totally forget the time. It kinda makes me sick to think about such.  I dont want to leave the house for hours and hours just because I can now without feeling guilty about the dog, but it hurts to be inside the house at the same time. 
I dreamed about this day and I have dreaded this day. I dreamed about what it would be like to sleep in without a potty break or three before 7am.  I dreamed that I could sleep in past 8 cuz I didnt have to give a dog a pill.  But then I dreaded the day also. I knew once the dream came true I wouldn't want it to be that way.  That fear is real. 
The fear of him physically not being there hurting the most is real.  I wasn't crazy in my selfishness. I knew.
It was easier to break up with a boyfriend cuz he didn't live there.  Cuz I didnt love him like I loved Max. I could go home and veg out in front of all five seasons of Leverage or Firefly and forget the ex, distract myself.  But now when I lock myself in my room to veg out it just brings back memories.  There was a reason I kicked Evan to the curb when I bought a new house.  A new start. A new house not tainted with those memories.  The dog came like 8 months afterward tho...
I said he'd make it one more winter at least last fall.  And he did. Techinically spring started the 20th of March.  But we had such a mild winter, it was practically spring in February.  Prolly another reason he lasted so long. 
All I ate 3/24 was the last package of poptarts simply so Max could eat the ends I dont like and/or have burnt.  Then I finished off the rest of my left over beans I had around noon.  By like 7pm at night I wanted popcorn and pineapple.  But Gma kept me at her house and fed me a cup of ramen, some toast, a deviled egg, a cookie and attempted some ice cream and of course her veggie tray (that I didnt touch).
I guess I just needed a day to prepare and spend time with him.  I have a lot of vacation days I prolly wont get through this year and I didnt get use one when I should've when I got a sinus infection so I didn't feel bad taking a day off for this.
He's been with me in that house for a year and a half.  Thas a long time.  The last seven months being on a pill schedule to help his arthritis.  That schedule is now gone.  Now what do I do.  5pm will roll around today at work and then I'll say, "Now what?"
I got a cheap temporary camera thingy and took pictures almost all 24 of him the last two days.  Hopefully some of them turn out.  The lighting wasn't great in the house and it was gloomy and rainy the other days, not much sun outside.  Gma showed me the pic that I made Max take with me professionaly a few years ago. It almost made me burst into tears again. Now I need a shoebox aka memory box to put all of Max's stuff in. A bunch of pictures, collar, tags, etc.   Something to help me close this chapter.  I closed the Evan chapter by finishing my scrapbook with the end of the year and leaving the beginning of a new year open. 
I can walk straight through the front room without stepping around his bed in the middle. 
I feel better at work cuz its normal he's not around.  But it still feels wrong to have a good day at work.  It usually feels better around noon.  But I feel I shouldn't be so happy.  I know I wont when I have to go home. 
I feel like I"ve forgotten what it feels like to hold his leash in my hand as we walk already. 
I'm not looking forward to my first trip up north without him tho for Easter.  That'll be hard. I couldn't stay overnight at Gmas without him. 
But 15 or 16 years is a good enough age for a dog to be done with life. With or without the pain.
But I had to focus on the pain in order to convince myself it was the right thing and to actually do it.  And actually focusing on the pain let me see it more.  I didn’t know Saturday when I freaked out and couldn't make the appointment.  Well, I thought I didn't know.  I think I did know but didnt want to know.  Anyways, but on Sunday I knew.  I could see the pain.  And I knew. 

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Goals to achieve before ten year HS reunion (26)
- get back in touch with, apologize to, and come out to Morgan
- get my first tattoo(s)
- grow an impressive beard
- have less boobs
- have more social confidence
- be able to sing well in public
- practice and improve skill at off the cuff humor
- have one proud career accomplishment
- grow literacy in activism & make some conversational material to share
- work toward building the anarchoqueer commune foster home school subsistence farm of my dreams

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1301 (16)
To summarize:
Tomorrow I'm putting my dog of 15 years, give or take, down to rest.
Needless to say, I have to take the day off work morrow. 
I'm not talking to any of you. 
If you need me I'll be in some corner of the universe crying. 
Its not even a matter of if its the right time or not anymore.
Its killing ME to kill HIM.
My selfishness to keep him longer has turned and now I just want to grieve and let him and I move on. 
I love you, Max.  We had some good times. Roller blading with you was pritti awesome.
Reasons I am putting Max down:
Quality of life is down because he can’t be with me when I go places. 
The last few nights he hasn’t slept well….  Either nightmares or pain? – I can’t listen to it anymore. I don’t know if its pain or nightmares.  He knows something is going to happen.  He knows.  He’s really in deep sleep, it takes a while to wake him from his twitches and heavy or quick breathing. I suppose he's not a crier when in pain, although I've heard him cry in his sleep cuz of nightmares.  I dont know anymore.
His moan and groan and occasional pop when he gets up or down
The look in his eyes – deal breaker
The stiff walk when outside
The lack of walks he can take
The lack of muscle in his back legs
The way he favors his front legs and protects them the most, licks them
Can’t get in or out of the new car very well – can’t come with me – deal breaker
Can’t go on day trips anymore to Gmas let alone weekends at parents house – can’t come with me – deal breaker
He hears things, I’m not sure he actually looks at you when he looks, also….
He sways, lack of balance sometimes, falls over
He licks more again – licking indicates pain
He breathes heavy again which the doc called ‘stress breathing’ cuz of pain again
He drinks a lot more again
Therefore I don’t think the pain killers are working as long anymore
Every once in a while he can’t make it outside to poop and goes inside
His only joys in life are food and walks (it always has been tho… He doesn’t “play”)
The past few days he’s been shaking his head every once in a while, not constantly when he had an ear ache tho and he hasn’t been rubbing his ear to the ground yet and moaning like he did with ear ache
He doesn’t let me touch him much or certain times of the day, his head his neck – when I come home I try to pet him and he kinda nips until I tell him to go potty and in the morning he’ll come wake me up but not get close enough for me to actually touch him head/neck…
He can go up the stairs but, depending on time of day and medication, he has a hard time coming down the stairs but he still does it for me despite the pain, he breathes heavy when he gets to the top – I don’t really want to wait for that point when he can’t/gives up going up or down in order to follow me around.  Seeing him want to and unable to or doing it despite the pain would make me really sad  - deal breaker
He never knew where his house was…. Always walks over to 631 instead… but he’s never been good at directions
He gets up or is jolted awake every time I make a noise or the TV sometimes. – always seemed to be worried about me and Maddy

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[1980] Good morning, America... (40)
Yeah. I'm back in California.
After 50 days backpacking through europe. Its strange. It feels like i never left. I knew it would. Grr. I just woke up and it sounds stupid but it really does feel like it was all just a dream. I went there to think and figure out what i wanted.. in my current situation and in life. and I'm laying here realizing i didnt figure out much. I feel like i learned a few lessons and grew a lot.. and that's why i think overall it was a good experience.. amazing really.  But for the intended purpose of the trip.. i failed. I just came back with more unanswered questions. More doubt and fears. More regrets and mistakes. But also experience and stories and memories and friends and adventures and desire to learn things i was too afraid of attempting and talking to anyone and looking strangers in the eyes... sometimes.. finding that part of me that used to be bold. And being independent or at least getting there and knowing i could be if i had to be. Among other things.
Its too cliche to say "i found myself". Anyways i dont think i did. Not quite. But. I think if you go to a new place like that for a short time like a week or 2 you wont find much.. but backpack on your own through various countries for almost 2 months and yeah.. i didnt fiiiind myself. But parts. Definitely found small parts that i know are who i really am. Things that I didnt know before. Things that would probably be considered small and insignificant to anyone else. 
I have no idea what to do. In this moment and in life. I'm not at a fork in the road.. I've been pushed out of a plane into the ocean and abandoned.. no idea where i will end up with any direction i go. I could just wait and drift and see where it gets me.. or i could just pick a direction and swim and end up somewhere i dont want to be.. or maybe somewhere i do.
The more i try to figure things out..  the more i realize maybe some things cant be figured out or solved.. maybe they will always be a part of me.. creating the lines on my face that unapologetically remind people of the things I've lost.
I dont have a car right now. I might take a bus to surprise my mom for lunch. She doesnt know I'm back since i made the decision only 3 days ago.  Told her i wanted to skype today. Well yesterday and she said today on her lunch break would be better. Which is good cuz i got back and fell asleep around 7pm and slept through the night. To be in this bed again is amazing.. hostel beds suck. Well.. theyre not as terrible as i thought theyd be but still they arent very comfortable.  

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246 - Update #1 (58)
Well, shit. 
Time for an update, I suppose. 
It's been an interesting few years, to say the least. Things aren't even remotely close to what they were. For starters, I've worked many jobs since then. I've gone through several relationships since then, and I've even finally gotten my own place. I had my own car for a while too. It was fantastic. 
Job - wise, I worked for this duct cleaning company for a while, and then I was unemployed for a while before landing a job with an inventory counting company. From there, I got a job at a Pub here in town, and worked there for quite some time before I landed another full time job in Pickering. That didn't pan out too well, because my car ended up dying and I couldn't drive out there any longer. Luckily, my sister was working for a car dealership and got me a job there. They have adjusted my schedule since then, so I've picked up another part time job in the morning working at a Dog kennel. Working two jobs during the day, 6 days a week sucks ass, but it pays the bills so I can't complain too much. 
I'm on my own again though. I found a place a little North of where I was living for a decent price, and it's the entire top floor of this old Century home, built back in the late 1800's. I love it. It's in a tiny town with little to no traffic and a small population, which suits me just fine. I also had my own car for a while. My dad bought this '03 Pontiac Grand Am a few years back and ended up selling it to me when he bought himself a new Chevy Cruze. I loved that Grand Am. I learned how to drive in it, I had a lot of good times in it...I loved it. I drove it until last year, when the catalytic converter went, which wasa pricey fix that I just couldn't afford. So I sold her to a woman in North Bay, because their emission regulations are totally different than down here.
Ah well. 
I've got to get up and face the day, however. I'll finish updating you later. I've got a whole mess of relationship stuff to get through, which is probably an entry unto itself. 

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1300 (32)
I can tell you about my physical woes. 
It feels like these are a lot of physical woes that happened all at the same time.
I've been taking Vitamin C like every weekday for like 2-4 years now and so now getting the common cold is like rare and/or lasts for one week (1/2 of normal time it takes to get over a cold). 
But this time, I got attacked from all sides and even my Vitamin C immune system preparation couldn't withstand it.  
First I got a tooth extraction on a Monday.  I mean I already had the tooth (crown) out cuz it fell out practically already so I had my first gap in my teeth since I was little, but this gap was a little more permanent than any others I've had.  Usually I get a root canal and have to wait for the crown to be ordered, so I have a gap for awhile then too.  But this is literally no tooth, no root, no post, nothing, goes straight to the jaw line.  Kind of like getting your wisdom teeth ripped out.  One level lower than that.  
So I've never had a tooth extracted, at least a tooth I needed (just the wisdom teeth), extracted so I was kinda freaked out by that.  They put you out when doing wisdom teeth. Very surgical like.  He just numbed me for this one. Nobody really told me much about it beforehand....like maybe should I be driving after this?
Anyways I have the tooth extraction so I can start the tooth implant process which takes months.  First tooth needs to be completely gone, a month or two to heal, then they drill this rod up into the bone, let the bone heal around the rod thingy for like 6 months, and then they screw on an implant, fake tooth to the rod that was drilled in there.  So that'll cost me about $1,200 with insurances help and I'll have my first implant at age 27. 
Gma said she had all her teeth out by 39.  She's had dentures for a long time!  She's like 85 years old this year! Crazy.  
Well, if I start the implant process at 27 I'll prolly have a mouthful of implants by the time I'm 39 so I dont have to do dentures, and hopefully they'll be spaced out enough I can pay for them one at a time...
Anyways.... Now this extraction was on my right side upper jawline, the jawline that has been known to give me sinus issues in the past.  I always get a 'tooth ache' but its really just my sinuses above the teeth making them hurt.  So I get sinus infections a lot and I go to the dentist for my 'tooth ache' and he gives me antibiotics.  Wheee.  So much easier than getting them from a family doc.  
So the next two days I was in pain.  Granted I understand you should have some pain from such an extraction, but this pain woke me up in the middle of the night, twice.  Then I realized it felt like a tooth ache, like before, cept there was no tooth there!  Slight problem.  So I realized it was my sinuses going all awry, which I can't really blame them they were just violated a few days before.  
And then the weather decided to go against me also and it finally rained/snowed for the first time this year during the winter!  And my sinuses hate it when theres moisture in the air!  So that didn't help the pain. 
So between the extraction on Monday, the rain/snow on Tues, and waking up in pain I went back to the dentist on Wednesday and decided to rule out pain from any type of infection or dry socket from my extraction so I would know it was a sinus issue.  
Dry socket was another issue.  I was so freaked out I would lose the blood clot up there and expose the bone.  I hear its really painful.  Everyone said I'd know if I had it.  But I was still in pain and I didn't know.  
But he gave me the dry socket medication and a prescription for antibiotics so I would go away cuz I just walked in his office and interupted his day....  :D  Thats how its done, kids. 
But he said my extraction was healing just fine.  That's what I thought.  It must be sinus issues.  I wanted the remedies and then I was going to listen to my body and then use whichever remedy it needed.
That night I went home and I had a fever.  Totally indicating I had a sinus infection.  I was so glad I already got the antibiotics earlier that day.  
I don't take sick days, like ever.  Usually sitting at a desk doing minimual tasks is still doable when I'm sick. But I actually thought about calling in sick.  Needless to say I didn't make it into work on time (I stopped to get my prescription filled) and of course, the one day I think about calling sick the boss calls me first thing in the morning and starts hollering about where I am and then starts in on his problem without letting me answer the first question.... He just goes on about his silly little problems (to me) and telling me I need to fix his (tiny, 5 minute) problem.  Seriously, the one day... 
So I drug myself into work after the store and fixed his 5 minute problem by calling one person, in which he stormed into said persons office prolly like 5 minutes after I called her... and supposedly 'fixed' the problem himself... and then I sat in agony the rest of the day....  Debating on leaving his needy butt halfway during the day.  I totally should of.  But then I started feeling better that afternoon.  The morning, when he supposedly needed me, was the worst bit of it.  The rest of the day was slow and then I felt better.  Curses. 
It is weird to say I rather like sinus infections (verses other sicknesses), mainly cuz I've had them enough I know the remedies to make them go away, just the fact anitbiotics CAN make them go away is better to me than a cold with lack of effective remedies?  I get them like twice a year now.  And lately they've come in the form of 'tooth aches'.  Argh.
So yeah, now I have a tooth extraction, fear of dry socket and a sinus infection on top of that.
But I've had a toe problem for a while now.  Since Oct 2013 specifically.... Its been an on and off kind of thing for a few years.  Its just a bubble of discoloration on my big toe that hurts with pressure applied and sometimes spews out white pus.  Eeewww.  I have never had a problem with my feet before, they are (were) my best feature!  Now my toe is all gross!  Usually I put peroxide on it and a bandaid and it goes away.  But its not working this time.  So I finally made a foot doc appointment. Prolly my first one ever. He'll prolly say its in an ingrown toenail.  What's the remedy for that?  Its like I'm getting old and every thing is falling apart. 
But the pus and swelling and tenderness on the toe suggests an infection also, so I feel like I'm full of infections, or potential for infections (extraction) and I wonder if the anitbiotics will help them all... or any. The day I got the anitibiotics I read a news headline of a virus that antibiotics can't even touch, some new virus that is immune to antibiotics or something.  *shudder*
Needless to say, last week I felt like of crappy!  I'm diseased! 
And now the period is on its way.  That's a whole nother ballpark kids.  I think I'll be on constant IB Profen for another week or two...  But I'm still sure my heart will quit before my liver does!  Based on family history... 

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Untitled (48)
Its been a nice weekend. Caity and I have started counseling and I feel a little hope that everything will work out the way team Craity dreams. We haven't told Valerie any of our dreams and it makes things really difficult. I always feel like I'm living a lie and it can be hard to differentiate which is truth. Valerie comes over maybe three times every two weeks and spends the night. I never get sleep on those nights and I feel it's murder on my body. I also threw out my back in some way and have been acting something far different from my age. I can feel that Caity is trying to make me happy, and it makes me feel like I'm part of a marriage. I still am not ready to return the favor, for which I feel a little guilty; I just feel so dryed up. But I'm happier in my marriage than I've been in a while and I feel like we can work out the kinks. There are a lot of kinks still.
Caity is in Nashville right now working on training for a new position at work. I'm proud of her. I'm also scared shitless that I am not the kind of hubby that deserves fidelity. That she is going to enjoy herself like a single girl.
Her being away also complicates things at home. We have continued the relationship with Val though it doesn't seem to be helping anything. And now Val wants all my time and attention and I have no desire to give her any(it always feels like wasted time). Today I went to game with friends and she apparently was invited. She was a smart choice for inviting, but she insisted I give her a ride which meant at the end of the night she was hoping for sex. I really don't want to be in a relationship where I have sex when my wife is away. It just isn't who I want to be in my relationship with Caity. I won most of gaming which always makes me feel really good and then decided to call it a night at 9:30. Val asked if I could take her home and I (feeling relieved that she wanted to go to her house) took her. But I realised the moment she lingered in the car she had no interest in going home alone. I told her I had no interest in fucking while Caity was away and she acted like that was the last thing she wanted. I told her I don't want to be alone with her in a private setting while Caity is away and she responded with something to the effect of "how bout we just agree we aren't going to have sex." Two hours later she finally left the car, alone. The story of the two hours is that it felt like she was trying to use every trick in the book to get me to come upstairs with her. And I want to make the decision to end the relationship with Caity. I want to present a unified front. But in those tow hours I had to work so hard to find the ground where my relationship to and with Val was something I was willing to put in enough work to keep. I really wanted to just leave her in that car and start walking home. I wanted to spend the night washing my bedding and cleaning house. Instead I spent that time trying to show a woman I find most a kin to a cancerous snake that I care about her and want her in my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm enough of a sex addict that there is a part of me that wants her, but that part is so non-descriminatory that the position could be filled by just shy of half the population. And I'd much rather work towards having that role filled healthily by Caity and no one else. So now I'll be up very late waiting for bedding to be clean, and seething quietly that my life feels so out of control. I'm aware that I've chosen every event that happened today, But I just want to stop committing to anything that isn't going to be part of my future.

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245 (34)
Holy crap. 
Sitdiary works again.
It has been a long time. I can't believe how much has changed since the last time I could log in here. I wonder if anybody checks it anymore. I doubt it, but who knows. I suspect I'll be writing in here more often, especially now that the bloody site finally works. 
I'll fill everybody in with the details at another time. Right now, I'm at work, so I'll have to check back later. 
It's good to be back.

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1299 (27)
Sold my old car.  My white 2001 Chevy Cavalier is gone.  *sniff*
I kinda freaked out when the first person to check it out wanted it then and there on Friday night.
Needless to say I wasn't really ready for that step so soon.
I really thought it would take awhile to sell, esp for the price I put on it, $1,100.
I really don't think it was worth that much, but it was about Blue book value.  My car, I think, was the lowest price on the site besides a $800 one I wasn't sure was mobile.... So everyone else seems to think it was a good price.  I had it up for a week and it had 6 ppl name it their favorite.  I was gettting texts and phone calls but nothing really too serious.  Then this couple calls on Friday night, came and saw it, drove it around the block, tried to get me down to $900, I didn't budge and they said okay we'll take it right now.
Crazy!  I thought for sure it would sit there for awhile and that my price was too high.  Apparently it was cheap.  I thought it would sit long enough that I took the insurance off of it not wanting to pay for both cars for a few weeks.
But I felt okay about the price and they seemed to think it was a good deal so that's all that matters right?
When I say I freaked out I don't really mean I was sad that my car was leaving.  Surprisingly I totally forgot about my old car as soon as I got the new one.  I only remembered it when I came home to find it sitting in the parking lot and I thought "Oh yeah, that's still there..."  I don't think I'll miss Jack too much.  
I think I was more freaking out about the price and the worth and the disclosures I was supposed to say and the things I was supposed to give them and the things I was supposed to keep and it was all so soon and overwhelming.  I forgot to take the plates off.  But I also hadn't gassed up the car for awhile so they had to get gas before they left so they didn't get far, they came back and let me get my plates.  I had some time to think and remembered a CD in the CD Player and stuffs.  My roommate thought I was all crazy freaking out as I spied on my car leaving. 
I was feeling overwhelmed, guilty, not remebering things/disclosures, excited as I held $1,100 in cash in my hand, undecided as I watched my car drive away, etc. 
We did a Bill of Sale and I gave them the title and keys.  They said it was for their 16 and 17 yr olds.  Prolly a good fit for a car that old.  But I forgot to tell them the radio didn't work.  That might be a must for teenagers.  Teens dont really do CD's anymore either.  They do their Ipods and stuff which I dont think my car is compatible with... all in all it leads to unsafe driving just to have music with them.  I feel like that's my fault.  
I felt guilty about a lot of things I didn't tell them (just the little quirks, nothing major in regarding to operation of the vehicle) but I do have to say its not entirely my fault.  I answered their questions and the test drive is there to make other checks of the car, its not my fault if they don't do their due diligence.... They didn't really seem to know what they were doing...
But they bought the car "AS-IS" and signed the title and its theirs now!  Not my problem anymore.  They can't bring it back! Okay they could...but I doubt it...
I felt bad about not having any gas in the car.  But with all the inquiries that week I assumed ppl would come by that weekend to look at the car so I was going to finish vaccuming the dog hair, wash the outside as it was sitting under a tree for a week, and put some gas in it.  But they came a day too early.  But I really was going to make it nicer!
I talk as if I ripped them off, but honestly, it is a good car and it will get from point A to point B if they do regular maintenance on the car.  The price seemed fair, otherwise it seemed we both felt good enough about it to complete the deal.  For a car that old and that many miles, you get what you get and take a chance, and they seemed to be okay with that chance for $1,100. 
After that much interest in only a week I wondered if I should've put the price higher, but like I said, I didn't really think it was worth much more than that, and that price was already stretching it to make feel iffy about it. 
I was texting Claine telling him I was selling it as they were in my house writing a Bill of Sale. Then I called Claine and Mom freaking out on them and asking them questions about selling a car and if I did it right cuz I've never done it before..... 
But my freak out earned me a complete stiff body all night which resulted in pain in my muscles which resulted in lack of sleep, etc.  And the dinner I attempted to consume kind of came back to bite me in the butt with all my stress which also resulted in lack of sleep. It was all ridiculous and unnecessary, but like I said, it's a change and it was kinda hard and I've never done that before.  I'm kind of glad they caught me off guard that night and wanted it right then. 
This morning it was raining and I thought to myself, "Jack doesn't like the rain very much." 
I guess I will miss Jack in those odd moments when I remember I have a new car so I don't have to deal with/remember that Jack (my old car) has issues with certain weather and situations or whatnot. 
But my new cars name is Starr. And she's ready for pink accents! 
Meanwhile, on the dog front.  Yet another change of something new I've never done before that is really hard. 
I still have a lot of changes to make.  I seem to be in this rapid "changing" state.  Like everything in my life needs to change.  I tried without a roommate, I got a new roommate, I got a new car, sold the old one, the dog is going to go eventually, I want to rearrange my room when he's gone, I want to go back to the gym, I want to go and do things at night for as long as I want too when the dog goes, I just want.....change.
But I suppose the dog is next on the list of changes. And I wish, purely out of selfishness, to postpone that change. I'm good at postponing stressful decisions, well decisions in general, but this one... this one is unlike any other I've had to make before.
I just bought more pills for the dog, another 30 days worth, maybe that's a bit hopeful...  
Sigh.  I just don't know.  I just dont know. 
I want to ask what do I do, but I know someone is going to tell me, and I'm not gonna wanna listen or accept the answer.  So that question doesn't matter anymore. 

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Dear Gary Fan 331 (65)
Today has been so absolutely different. 
Well last night was unexpected, but I felt things that I cannot explain. Butterflies and just feelings. 
Like no lie, I want to try this. Start over, feel something new, even if it hurts. I feel like i have life again, feelings, light. Its fantastic. 
If words could describe right now, I don't even think i could. 

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565 (111)
You know, I said I would say goodbye.
I said that I would step away.
I had no idea the control you had on me.
I didn't see the strong guilt and self loathing you forged in me.
I believed not talking about my life would make other people happy.
I withdrew myself from the world.
I wasn't happy.
I wasn't making other people happy.
I felt as if I was drowning.
And you were the one that would hold my head up when you wanted to.
You tore me down.
You ignored me.
You treated me like I was just there for you.
You controlled me.
You manipulated me.
You hurt me.
And I let you.
For almost three months, I was there.
Making excuses for you.
Letting you do whatever you want.
Letting you walk all over me.
Letting you tell me how I should and should not feel.
I let you control me.
I am free.
They all will choose you.
Because you're sick.
Because they are still trapped in your charm.
I can't be anymore.
I must detach myself.
You know how to get me.
You know how to control me.
I won't let you control me again.
Even if that means never doing what makes me happy again.
In the end, it doesn't matter.
I will be alone.
But at least I will be free.
What will you have?

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1298 - 2014 Chevy Cruze LT (39)
I bought a new car yesterday, Feb 16, Presidents Day.
A black, 2014 Chevy Cruze LT, used, price was $13,940, with taxes and all that dealership junk it came up to $15,500. 
I fell in love with it at first sight/drive. I drove it the Saturday, on Valentines Day. 
I didn't have too much time or help buying the car then otherwise I prolly would have. But I had plans with my roommate for V-day.  So I decided to go back on that holiday Monday. 
The sales guy literally let me see the car, take a ride, and let me leave.  He didn't pressure me, he didn't talk AT me trying to tell me the features of the car, he made like one point about the lifetime warranty thingy, asked a few questions, and let me go.  Totally awesome. 
I got it at Ford dealership in Layton. *shudder* Why a Ford place has a Chevy I dunno. They have all kinds of used inventory I suppose.  I got my last car in Layton too... hmmm. 
I had to give myself a deadline. And these might have been a few mistakes as far as dealing with a car salesman, but I did make it clear how much I liked the car and I did tell him I was -going- to buy on the holiday.  I kinda needed his pressure to help me just do it!
I made the vague effort of looking at other possibilities in town and quickly struck out, appreciating the first one and still in love with it. I was ready to buy the car at 2pm that Monday.  I didn't necessarily want black, but of all the "many" colors that Chevy has... red, silver, white, gray and dark blue, just weren't really that interesting to me.  I wanted a lighter interior than jet black with a black car.  So I found this one with a grey interior in fabric instead of leather.  Didn't want leather either.  Besides black with a little accent of pink would be cute. 
But I needed a ride up there.  Mins family was in town that day and so I was going to wait for them to finish playing and working and have them take me up there.
But then someone had tipped off Mom that I was buying a new car....  (*coughMINcough*)
So Mom calls me up and telling me she is coming down, randomly at 2:30pm on a holiday Monday... and giving me an early Bday present and a late V-day present and she wanted to see my car. 
So then I had to wait for her to come down!  And when she didnt leave her house until like 4 to get down here and the dealership closed at 6:30pm and it was already like 30 minutes away, I was freaking out.
I was stressed, I was excited, I was impatient, I was starting to doubt myself and why I wanted this car. The sales guy texted me a couple of times that day and I told him I still wanted his car, prolly a mistake, but whatever, he said it would be ready for me.
I finally got there at like 6pm, making some of the staff have to stay late to finish the deal.  But I think my deal was easy comparatively.  I wasn't financing so that dept didn't have to stay.   We didn't really negotiate a price... When it came out $15,500, which was my goal ($15,000 range) I was okay with the price even with all the dealership fees and garbage.  I was in and out.  They did do a credit check on me though and that kind of made me mad cuz they dont need to on a cash deal and the guy said he wouldn't check it.  Grrr.  He said my score was 790.  It was a breeze being shipped from one dept to another signing my life away and giving the same basic info over and over again. 
Claine was with me and they asked, "So, is this dad?"
And one guy commented on my cash deal saying something like its good someone so young can do that.  I was thinking 26 is young, right?  He was prolly thinking younger tho... as usual. 
But I wasn't really stressed about buying the car itself.  I felt pritti sure and confident, which is really unusual for me as a very indecisive person, but I just...knew.  It was the waiting and the fact my account was going to be drained after like 5-6 years of saving. 
They took a personal check with no fuss... weird.  The banks are closed on the holiday so I couldn't do a cashiers check.  So I juss transferred the money and wrote a personal check. 
The biggest check I've ever written in my entire life. No joke. Fo' sure.
And it probably won't happen ever again. 
Not even the down payment on my house was that much.  I spent $10,000, but only wrote the check for $6,000 and used the rest for carpet and buying appliances. 
I feel like everyone is staring at me, more than usual, or maybe I didn't notice it as much... its like they know I just bought a car....
My mind wouldn't shut up last night for me to sleep...but my body was so tired with being tense all day, not wanting to eat or drink and stuff... 
Yay for the first experience of not being able to find your car in the store parking lot!
Because it changed models and colors....
I have a radio now!  I was singing random songs absentmindedly today at work and I realized it was cuz of the radio in my car and songs I dont normally sing/hear!
I have power!  Power locks and windows, even power side mirrors...
If only I could remember all the comments I make while inside my car when I'm driving it as I notice the difference between my old car and this one... like "Ooh I dont hear the freeway"  and "the left blinker actually turns off by itself!"  and "There are lights on so I can see where Drive is!".  Now I just have to take off all the Ford crap off my Chevy car!
Happy late Valentines Day to me!  
I bought my house two days before Vday in 2013, and now a car two days after Vday in 2015. 
I noticed I get myself very expensive Bday and Vday gifts.  Lasik, trip to DC, a house, a car, etc. 
What do I save up for next?!
Something techy like a laptop or something?  Furniture? Maybe I should be saving for my teeth implants.... There's not much I need or really really want anymore... But vacations are still on the table!
I'm leaning toward a trip across the ocean to England!  My bucket list.  I will make it to another country one day. 
I guess the decisions I have to make now are when my dog should move on to the next world...and maybe calling a foot doc... and maybe starting the tooth implant process on my toothless mouth... But mostly deciding when my dog needs to pass on so as to not be in so much pain.
"Whatcha been doing June bug?"
"Oh, ya know, just out dealing with things way beyond my maturity level.." 
Btw, my present my Mom randomly decided to bring to me was a storage container for my backyard since my condo has no storage whatsoever.  I told her about the idea, but I said I wouldn't know what to put in it. I still don't know what to put in it... She said chairs.  I said I dont have chairs.  She said to go buy chairs and put them in it.  Huh?  I need to buy more things in order to store them?  I dont have enough crap?  Is this a hoarder thing?  Does this make sense to anyone else?  She also bought me some type of Ramen cooker that apparently cooks ramen faster than stovetop, b/c the pot she bought me for Christmas was round and wouldn't hold my square Ramen. 
Now I have to sell my old car.  Blue book still says its worth like $1,000-$1,300, which is crazy to me. Being a 2001 with 204,000 miles on it with a salvage title...surely its not worth that much.  Then I got online and looked up other prices for cars like mine and they are way more than $1,000, the lowest I saw was prolly like $1,100.  Anything below that price was like non-working cars.  I might get some money out of this... 
My cousins need a car though and they kinda of want me to give my car to them....but I dont want to.  They are hard on cars and will break it in like less than 6 months I bet.  I didn't take such good care of my car the last few years just to have it broken 6 months after I sell it.  And they won't pay the price I want, they want like half off like a family discount or something.  Bleh.  These boys are irresponsible and disrespectful to property.  
I want to sell it to a stranger who will pay the price I'm asking, which apparently isn't that ridiculous, and hey so far the A/C is working, and never hear about my car again so I wont have to know when it died or how it died. 
It will be hard to say goodbye to Jack.  He was a good car and took me a lot of places I've never been before and we had lots of memories and I learned a lot about cars with him.  

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1297 (35)
Some of my favorite old songs that just come to me randomly...
(Blame my dad for his impromtu singing of random pieces of song)
Beach Boys:   Do You Wanna Dance
Wouldn't It Be Nice
The Beatles:   Let It Be
I Wanna Hold Your Hand
They all about repetiton.  I can do that when it comes to singing.

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[1962] Praha II (103)
I switched hostels. I was at The Old Prague House. And I liked it at first. Kind of. Mostly. It was charming and the bathrooms were nice and a private room wasnt too much. And free breakfast and wifi and pretty clean. But the 1st room I was in was smaller than their bathrooms and it was freezing!! The heater was only warm if you stood right next to it. and the locker was broken. I got sick and I think its because of ho cold it was there. I switched rooms and the 2nd room was way better for the same price. The place is run by a russian? German? family and they were really nice especially the tall woman with very short blond hair. She was awesome. But the old lady was so rude to me and then the guy at their restuarant charged me $20 for a $10 meal and that wasnt cool. He gave me some back when I figured it out the next day but still not enough. like half but I didnt care enough anymore.. 5 bucks.. but i guess that was his game.. to drag it out until i didnt care. O well. He had perfectly fine english yesterday and today he couldnt even speak it and had to have the lady translate. A lot of these people do that. But why not take advantage of me.. everyone else does.
This hostel is weird. Hostel Homer. Everything is simpsons themed heh. But not like cool.. just pieces of paper with lame jokes. I mean if you're going to do the whol theme thing at least do something cool with a hue wall mural or a couch that looks like same couch.. or something. paint the walls yellow? put a sign over the kitchen area that says quicki mart or whatever it is on the show. thats 3 off the top of my head and i dont even like the simpsons. I only ended up here because i randomly walked by this one hostel and asked for a dorm but they said they were full and she just started looking for a place for me :) When I walked in and askd for a room there was a couple or couple of people idk if they were together and the  guygoes.. "um.. are you just outl looking for a hostel?" or something to the effect that its crazy i didnt have a place lined up and I was like "yeah" And he's like "badass", haha. I guess. I just figure I'll find something eventually. Anyways, no one is here but an old spanish speaking couple. Or they were. Im in the louge. I was sitting on the couch and really comfy but went up to get my laptop and they took my comfy spot grr. So I was in a chair on the other side and it smelt all weird.. like cat pee. I kept smelling it every once in a while. i smelled me.. my bag.. my jacket. my hair.. its not me.. i smelled the chair and table and flowery thing on the table.. nothing. my hands smelled like soap. the soap smelled weird but not the same. It was definitely cat pee... BUT WHERE. I moved back to the couch and dont smell it anymore.. weird.
Its been a hard.. month.. week. and especially 2-3 days.. But today I forced myself to try and do everything on my list and I kinda did it and it was good. And I actually had a good day. Busy day.
First I actually had breakfast. Listened to these douchey guys discuss douchey things while I ate and drank coffee :o yeah I totally drank coffee cuz I drink it now. One guy was in the room next to me and he had a girl  with him and they made weird sex noises all night and it gave me the weirdest dreams. Not sexy dreams.. just weird. Its sad. to me it sounded like he liked her. I mean.. from what I heard. And with the 2 guys at breakfast one asked what they were doing today and he said "I dunno we were pretty busy yesterday so we'll probably take it easy today." And the other guy said "YOU were pretty busy yeterday.. or last night anyway." And the other guy goes "Oh yeah? " And i think he asked who or idk something like that and the sex guy goes "Some crazy bitch". Geez.
Then I packed my stuff. Put it in the reception area (they keep it there while you go out). I walked to Prague Castle. Nearly broke a sweat running up the castle stairs to make it in time for the changing of the guard. Which I didnt need to do because it was right around the corner but I didnt know if I would have to find it. I had to take off my jacket I was so hot.. everyone looked freezing and I was ready to take off my fleece pullover too. So I took pictures of that and video too and it was pretty neat. Then I took random pics around the castle. I know its lame and I didt really want to but I went to the starbucks on the cliff because I had to.. the view was amazing and the starbucks was actually cool.. it was down these circular stars and idk.. felt better than a typical starbucks. I got a white chocolate mocha.. because again, I drink coffee now. I think Europe changed my taste buds. Maybe it happened on the plane ride. heh idk. But I drank it out on the patio and the view was awesome. And I was sad because whenever you go on a trip the second you leave it feels like it didnt happen. And I didnt want to forget how it felt. And what I was seeing.
It was a little cloudy today but even a dreary day in Prague is more beautiful than a sunny day in most places. Well most places Im used to. Did I mention I love Prague? Then I got lost.
And ended up walking back up the castle stairs.. good work out. And went through and found St. Vitus Church and St George Basilica and I walked on the golden lane and took pictures of the towers and stuff. I didnt find Lobkowics Palace :/ I wanted to eat at the cafe because I heard it was good.
Then I stopped at this little souvenior shop. I had seen a lot but I liked this one. I got a few postcards for my family and a little tin case and 3 pins. 1 is awesome because it says Praha and has a pic of a pink converse shoe and I have been wearing nothing but my pink converse around this whole place. So it was kinda cool.. like they knew! How did they KNOW?! Seriously though.. sounds stupid but that alone would have made my day.. and then it got better.......
I walked out of the souvenior shop and across the street a ways and down a small hill was the river and TONS of swans! This was my favorite part of my time here and I think I'll go back again tomorow. I sat by the river to the left of charles bridge watching/feeding the swans stale chips. They were so pretty and funny waddling around on their little feet. Idk it was good. I love swans. Sent a pic to my mom. She said I am a swan and not to forget. Oh mom. I dont know what makes me sigh more.. the fact that its pretty cheesy haha.. or that she couldnt be more wrong. Anyway that same feeling came back about being happy but sad that as soon as I left it would start to fade and theres nothing I could do but continue to take picture after picture to preserve it. And then put my camera down and just appreciate where I was.
I am so thirsty. its almost 1am and I want to go out and find food and a big bottle of water. Im in a busy part of town now so i dont feel too weird going out late alone. I think i will. its probably easier to find beer than water at this hour  but that willjust make me more thirsty.
The front des dude is in here making something and it smells so good. its just a sndiwch. dammit. Im going to get food or I will dieeee.
I didnt end up getting food or water. I went to the dorm and the 3 other girls were already sleeping. When i woke up they were gone. I got up and booked another night. Might actually do another too. So 2 tonight and tomorrow night. Idk idk idk i just love it here and the more i see the more i feel i haven't seen. 
STILL need to go to st francis of aussi church.. keep getting there to late deapite how close it is. I want to go to tv tower too. Righr now i am charging my phone before i go out. Going back to that spot with the swans. Just packed a lunch. Got SO much again from the supermarket.$13 for a bunch of atuff and the other day it was $10 for lots of stuff but i think i wrote about that already. 
Its weird in this hostel.. its so dead. No one is here. Not like out exploring.. just not here. Butni dont mind. I like having some alone time right now. Although it would be nice at night to have someone to go to dinner with.
More to write about from prague... been here so much longer than I thought but again.. i like it. Stay away from karvola street though So just.. grrrr.
the other night these girls invited me to this 5 story club. i mean.. it was interesting. clubs are clubs. i felt out of place for so many reasons... feeling old but looking too young. weird feeling and then the girls i was with knew theywere going to this so they brought skirts and heels and honestly they looked a little too dressy but there i was ith my jans and converse ha. we didnt look like we belongs together . but it was fun dancing with them.. after a few drinks. It made me think of that joke I heard by dane cook about how girls and guys reasons for gonig to clubs are so different and how you never hear guys say "I just need to dance.. f*** chicks man... I just ned to dance" He obviously never met the guys in this club. They were dancing with girls but also by themselves and with each other. They were good too. It was cool because they had like radio hits and stuff but then they had "oldies" but they played like 90's songs and everyone sang them at the top of their lungs... reminded me a little of the 80's club i went to with brett and sal. idk. clubs are lame. But traveling alone is nice and everything but once in a while you just want to be around people and those girls were nice. And they spoke english..well. Lots of people speak english in europe but its broken and hard to follow most times and it was so easy with them.
I met another girl from japan and we went out for drinks on v day. she was cool and funny. We were walking and saw a sign that said "non stop hot dog" and i dont know why but we both couldnt stop laughing.. we hadnt even been drinking. She was going to slovenia? I think thats it and then to vienna. And I am going to vienna then venice. So we decided to meet up in vienna tomorrow. I typically wouldnt do that.. but she said she was lonley to the canadian girls and I thought it would be nice to have someone to hang out with. Esecially since i wont be stayng in vienna long.. 2 days. and it'll be easier to get things done with  2 people. Were staying at the wombat hostel. Cheap for vienna at only $14/night.
I didnt go to any cemetaries.. I was in prague over a week. I want to kick myself. i kinda of want to go not.. its 10:30pm. haha. but what the point of going to a cemetary if not late at night... but i shouldnt..alone and everything. Although.. Ive felt really safe in prague so far. Even late at night down narrow alleys.. i dont feel creeped out. well i mean a couple times but i think it was in my head more than being an actual problem. So I think it'd be fine... but its freezing. Decisions.
Just booked my hostel and bus ticket.
Everyone I meet tells me I am brave for traveling alone... I dont feel "brave". I feel kind of dumb actually.
The girls today were saying that they had a horrible day because they couldnt figure out the train and got lost and had to walk a long time with their huge suitcases and had trouble finding the hostel... and then the other girl here is also traveling alone and she got here telling us she left her "document" (I'm guessing passport) in the last ocuntry she was in.. oops.. and she had a hard time figuring out the train and they made her pay the fine and she just broke down crying. I havent done so much yet. Well not over that stuff. Although I've found myself in similar situtions... I got super lost for a long time a few times. I walked far with my pack a couple times. My phone died more than I'd like to admit when I really needed it to be alive. I got ripped off a couple times.. that hostel restuarant and again at the bridge (write about it in a sec) But I dont know. I think I expected all of it. Especially being me... haha. Never been on my own or done everything 100% for myself so.. its been challenging but I knew it would be. Having to ask people for help was the biggest challenge.. beign "shy".. not just shy.. being me. Awkward and clumsy but now add in sef concious about the language barriers. But its okay... most people have been really nice and happy to help. Some of my favorite moments traveling so far werent seeing sights but while I was lost and being helped by the coolest people. That lady in berlin who wanted to help soo badly but she didnt speak ANY english so it was impossible. but then I just felt it would be ok to ask the guy next to me and he spoke english pretty well and he was so sweet. and he helped get my ticket for me and we walked onto the train and he grabbed my ticket and ran off, punched it and ran back on.. i wouldnt have known to do that and would have missed the train.. he almost missed it himself doing that. And the nice older fellow from the first berlin train station was really helpful and smiley. Idk some of the waitors and service people here (and in berlin) are rude. Idk if its because they ca tell i am american or if its anyone. Although maybe its how you present yourself because they are always s nice to me at the supermarket but i guess they were super mean to the canadian girls.. which is ironic... but they were nice when you get to know them but they both sort of talk snobbish sometimes and a little... entitled? So that mightve been the problem. But today I met the nicest guy making trdelnik that rolled pastry thing they have everywhere. He said it would be about 2 minutes and i asked if i could take ppictures. He said ok. And I took 2 or 3 but i didnt want to be annoying. But he was sweet he said to me "camera ready?.. this is picture.." and motioned to move to the other side of the counter and then opened the thing cooking the pastries and smiled and I took a picture and smiled and he winked at me. Its little gestures like this that can make a good day.
And sometimes break it.. although... negative attitudes havent affected me at all since being here like they used to. Actually.. negative attitudes or other people in general (mostly) havent really affected me since August. Like there have been some RUDE waitors but meh doesnt matter. And the other day i was walking and couldnt find where i was and just needed to know my location real fast and there was a starbucks so i went in and used the wifi real fast and this coupl walks by right as I am walking out and the guy goes "douche bags". lol. The other day I got starbucks because it was the view and the only coffee place near by. But i wouldnt get coffee from starbucks in  europe when there were about 5 other local ones a couple blocks away. but he didnt know. i would have said the same thing. i hate starbucks. and then i was walking yesterday and this old man just says "bitch" under his breath. And i know he was tlaking to me cuz no one else was there but i wasnt doing anything. Just walking. I didnt even see him or give him a weird look becuase i was looking at the sidewalk. and thats not rude because people dont smile at each other when they walk by here.. i tried.. and I'm met with stange looks.. that imply "wtf is wrong with you... why are you smiling at me??" But it doesnt really prevent it.. the corners of my mouth have just been trained to lift awkwardly when a stranger happens to meet my gaze. idk.
im hungry.
i should do laundry before i leave.

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it never stopped time (148)
it wasn't you
all this time, these months, close to a year
neither of us able to make it
through to the other
we tried, dear
it wasn't me
and it couldn't have been you
i believed i was too crazy for you
too much to handle
not in the ways i behaved
but simply how my mind
was arranged
i wasn't trouble, but troubled
i didn't want you to see
any of it
beyond what i felt
recognized in me
that night in late october
beautifully spent
in a strangers' shameless
the wet counter of the dingy bar and city lights shining on dark bay windows
moving from the park bench to the cold grass
it moving fast
to the first cradle in your arms and
to the last real moment with you
i held back from then on
because i couldn't bring myself
unable to reveal who i was
it wasn't you i was meant to go there with
pages of ask the dust
sweep over me
to the place
of arturo's drunken night
with camilla
he said some beautiful things
but she didn't hear them
and it didn't matter
because he said them anyway
and they weren't for her
or else
she would have heard
he spoke from some inner whispers
with her
because of her
but they weren't for her
or else 
she would have heard
Chris, it wasn't you
though i loved you (and still do)
i reveal myself
to me only
and keep going
to show the one
out there
the love that i am

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1296 (40)
Week one.
My new roommate,
She talks a lot.
In the form of conversations.
Almost as annoying as talking in third person.
And lots of repetition. 
She's like a broken record.  
I've heard the same stories many times in just week one.
The boss asked me this yesterday,  "You don't have speakers on your computer, do you?"
What computer does not have speakers?  What does he think I do all day? with those headphones on most of the time?  I can't listen to his voice all day.  He really has no idea what I do on the computer, does he? Absolutely no idea....
It almost feels like he's gotten to 58 years old without being able to read, 32 years of it in his career.  
How do people do that? 
It would make more sense if he asked if my CPU had still had a floppy disc (:A Drive) drive.  But even that is a silly question.  And we all know he doesn't know what either of those mean, CPU or A: drive.  He might recognize floppy disc....
It was one of those smack your forehead moments and take a deep breath.
The next boss is going to have to pass a thorough interview by me.  I need to write up a questionare. 
"Do you know what an attachment is?"  "Do you know how add an attachment to an email?"
Wait, no, that's too complicated, back up.
"Do you know where the speakers are?  CPU?  Disc drive?  USB port?"
Aw, hell.  
"Do you know where the power button is?"  

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[1968] Praha (53)
Made it to Prague the other day.  It's day 3 and i should be having fun.  I was excited to get here but idk. Maybe berlin was just so fast that it makes everything else feel slow. Or maybe because i have the onset of what could turn into a wicked cold. 
But its amazing here. I dont like the crowds in certain spots and can't imagine coming during peak season. Probably stab myself in the face.  But there are those moments when i look up and realize I'm walking down an alley and feeling like i stepped into a fairytale. I could live here. Maybe not forever. But I would love living here for an indefinite amount of time. Not that that will happen.. just saying.
I'm trying to make a dropbox folder for my pics for my mother or whoever really but its taking so long for each file to download. Just the ones I got from Kilian. Mine wnt take this long. Hopefully. Or this is going to be ridiculous and she can just see them when I get back.
im all itchy :( The first few days of wearing my merino wool leggings I was so itchy even though merino wool is supposed to be such a fine wool that its not supposed to be itchy.. well it is for me. I'm extremely sensitive to that stuff. But I refused to take them off and eventually it was fine.. like 3 days later. I have a merino wool shirt too but I havent worn it because Copenhagen and BErlin were snowy but they werent that cold... Prague isnt even rainy but itts freezing. Its not that bad tho. I have my hand warmers and big jacket and walking around in converse is fine if you double up on socks.
Wrote that a day or 2 ago. Still in Prague.. Praha..
I got sick and still am for the last 3 days. Not the flu thankfully.. but a stupid cold that gives me sniffies and itchy throat. grrr. So I havent done much. I have another night here booked so we'll see. I definitely dont want to be in Prague for valentines day. I didnt even realize it was coming. But idk.. it would be weird being here for that. It shouldnt matter to me. And it kind of doesnt. But it kinda does.
Not that Italy will be much better for that but o well.
I must have walked at least 7 miles yesterday while exploring. Up stairs and hills. My butt muscles were so burny and my feet hurt for the first time sinc traveling. I shoud be resting but it just seems like a waste I did oversleep today on accident so hopefully thaat helps.
I went to this restaurant that had the highest rating for goulash... but meh. to be completely honest it was gross.. and i wasnt being picky. I mean if typical, good goulash means chunks of tough meat with ridiculous amounts of chewy fat (shudder) and tiny bits of cartilage and a strange after taste.. then you'd probably like it... if you have taste buds and dont like gross things like myself... you definitely wont.  But the waiter was so nice to me so I gave him a nice tip. He was like "You in Prague.. alone?" he seemed really surprised. But i see girls walking around by themslves a lot. ot as much as guys but enough that it shouldnt be too surprising. Anyways he was cool and very smiley as soon as I walked in. Some of the waiters at other placs look so mean all the time so that was what I liked. Maybe I just got the cook on a bad night. I would try it again if I were staying longer.
Its weird eating alone. Actually I dont mind at all for breakfast and lunch, its dinner that sucks. Where do i put my hands?!? And where do i look? The wall? A book? My phone? Its not so much being lonely.. its thinking people think I am lonely. Dont really care but I guess I sort of do. I think I'd just eat dinner in cafes instead of restaurants. But they're so cheap here its a shame not to.
Not  doing anything hasnt been as disappointing as i thought. I've been enjoying kicking back and just taking it slow.. pretending i live here and doing what i imagine the locals would do.
I like th atmosphere. Its better the further you get from charles bridge. Unfortunately. But the bridge is pretty.. i like walking to the left when coming back into old town instead of going straight through karlova street.. its so crowded. But to the left is a cemetary and st frances cathedral. Probably going again for tonights walk.
All this walking is doig great things... I dont have a scaale but i lost at least 2 inchces off my waist since being here. which i figure is at least 5 pounds.. if not more. idk. idk.. back home i felt weird wlaking around for exercise. i would rather be on the treadmill and watch a movie or listen to musc as i walk. but here its so beautiful you crave being outside onstantly. even in the cold.
It snowed this morning. I switched rooms last night this one is twice as big and so much better.. locker, full length mirror, heater that works, a door without windows! haha.. just overall better. And basically the same price. They gave me a fuzzy blanet last night because I said my other room was could during the night. So I was all toastyyyyy.
Figured out the dropbox thing for my mom.. problem: other room had crappy internet connection, this one does not. Man that room sucked.
I went to the market just now and I keep checking over and over because i got tons of things and it only cost $10.. I bought 3 apples, 2 bananas, a grapefruit, 2 of these small bread things, 1 other bread thing, a croissant, gouda cheese, about 10 slices of deli meat, those little circle cheese snack things... forget the name, halls cough drops, water, razors, tissues, and chips.... FOR $10! I want to check again...
Did I mention I love it here? The buildings, even the "plainer" ones are gorgeous.. the streets are all cobblestone. Every now and then, sidewalks and streets seem to run together and cause people and cars to dance like lovers... which reminds me... I love the crosswalks. Its weird but when its red they tick i dont know.. 50 bmp and then when its green its like 100 bmp. I'm sure they have that a lot of busy places but I've never seen it before.
I might go back to that globe cafe. Its hard finding a good internet cafe out here. Yeah, there's starbucks but yuck. I went to cafe Nona.. it was pretty good.. couldnt read the menu so I just pointed to a random item and the only thing i could understand which was a coke. The thing I orderedd was like a flakey dessert with chocolate pieces in it. Pretty good. I want to find a better spot tho.. these seemed.. not nearly as "franchise-y" (yeah is a word, shut up) as starbucks but a bit. Un petit peu.
blah blah blah.. blah blah blah... blah.
k bye.

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1295 (42)
Dear Journal,
I am ready for change.
There are not very many times in my life that I can actually say that, let alone actually feel it.
Usually its a fake it until you make situation. 
But I am ready for change.
I got another roommate.  Change #1
I have been living alone the past 3 months.  Prolly not good for me. I'll get stuck in my ways really quickly.
This one doesn't come with a boyfriend, pregnancy or dogs.  Yay.
This is one is completely opposite.  Never had a boyfriend, obviously virgin, definitely won't let a boy upstairs, no dogs, allergic to cats (yes I have to forfeit my opportunity for a cat in the future if not cuz of my dog right now, but her) and loves to travel. She's a flight risk. I'm okay with that. 
I'm ready for a new car.  Change #2
I haven't actually got one yet, but this month is my goal. 
I'm going to have a new car. I love this one, we had great times and it's gotten me far in life. 
But its 2001 with like 203,000 miles on it and it is slowly breaking down, enough to make the inspection process every year a somewhat pain the butt.   I took it for an oil change, hopefully the last one I do for that car, and was told there is a small oil leak. I'm getting tired of hearing those little things that are breaking down. I'm not sure how much I'd be able to get from this car...
I'm ready for something new, that doesn't need constant little things fixed, for maybe a bit more safety, a habit of wearing a seatbelt, maybe some tinted windows, a black car (the only color that seems somewhat appealing to me, I'm tired of white, silver, gold and gray or any variation of color like that), some pink accents on the wheels or a pink star. I'm ready to adjust to something different.  
Its been two years since I got my lasik and my house, its time for another spendy investment that will save me money in the long run.
After this spendy investment I'll have another savings goal to get to England one day. Yes, back to that goal. One thing at a time! One day I will cross the ocean though.  I want to see if Dad wants to go back to England and see his old mission.  I'll have to wait until he retires or is released as Bishop, but thats okay I need some time to save the money.  Yay for goals and changes!
And I'm almost ready to let my dog go. Almost. Change #3
Like my issue with my car, I have a hard time jusitfying its death.  Nothing really huge or major has happened to justify the termination is more beneficial than the remedy efforts.  Its just the small, little things that you wonder about until you just get used to it, waiting for a bigger problem to come along.  That waiting could take months or years.
So that change is the hardest and will prolly take a little while longer to figure out. 
But I just wanted this moment written down in history because I, having come from a long line of "resistant changers", am now stating that I am ready for change!  This might be the one and only time I actually want it, brave enough to do it, and feel that its right. 
I might even re-arrange my bedroom!

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twenty-one. (60)
"my screw up" will forever be my most and least favorite scrubs episode. 
it's perfect but it perfectly tears me to little sobbing bits in a pile of blankets. 
where do you think we are?

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[1966] Danke Scheon (59)
Yesterday was a crazy day of nonstop travel. My pack hurt but I discovered its because something inside was poking me in the shoulder  blade BAH! Once I fixed it it was like carrying marshmallows. I asked the front desk guy at the hostel how to get t the train station for berlin and he told me.. but I guess I arrived at the metro station.. I asked this older lady how to get there and she told me to get on the metro and go 2 stops away. Well. She was wrong. I thought she'd know being a local and everything. Grr. So then i get back and find an info center and ask and they tell me to take the bus to the station. So I find the bus stop and get on and I go to pay with my card and he says cash and I only have american dollars because I spent the other stuff. And I said "sorry I'll get off' but he said it was ok and to just stay :) So that was nice. I'm getting the hang of all these trains. It was really confusing at first but I think I got it now.
Got into Germany last night. I'm in a hotel in Berlin right now.
I miss Denmark a little bit. I met Liting the first day in Denmark. She's going to Sweden and the Finland. I should have gone with her.I sort of asked but not really. She said I should go though once. I should hav gone Blah  That was one of the routes I originally wanted to go.. Sweden and then not finland but Norway to see the northern Lights but she said Finland is cheaper and higher up so better chances to see them. Oh well. I miss all the bikes and the cool toilets haha. I will not miss straightening my hair and having it frizz in 10 minutes.
On the train from Copenhagen there were like barely any girls. And if there were, they were with a guy. WEll I did see one older woman alon. This creepy man kept trying to "help" me. Like and get really close to talk. Not a German thing.. a creepy thing. Meh. In Hamburg he asked where I was going and I looked around at the other faces on the train and I noticed all their eyes glance over. Not like they wanted to know too.... more like waiting to see if I was actually going to tell this creepy lol.  I said "uh.. beeeerrr..lin.." I didnt want to tell him but I couldnt think of any other place. So when the train stopped I waited for him to go one direction and I went the other Creep. All the guys are so tall here.The girls are normal.
Since steppin foot off the train Ive had the song Danke Scheon stuck in my head.. and memories of the girls locker room in high school.
I can already tell the language barrier here is going to be a little more challenging than it was in Denmark.

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Untitled (45)
Right now Caity is asleep in bed while I try and work up the motivation and inspiration to paint. I know I need to just start painting something, but it's always my least favorite part of painting. And it always scares me motivation-less. I'm so used to feeling betrayed by Caity not being a serious adult (staying home from work, buying shit she doesn't need...) that it's weird to be capable of being supportive of her needs. Right now that is her need for a little personal time to figure shit out, and I'm strangely happy for her to take it. But I have so much restless energy in my own life that I find myself trying to pin to her. I just want her to be moving at full sprint because I want to feel safe. I haven't felt and real stability in a while and it makes me want to act. But I understand the need to really process and make decisions that are truly congruent with authenticity. And I really want to be able to find stability together. So I am working hard to just be a cheerleader in Caity's life. Which is scary, and kind of nice.
Right now she is thinking of dropping work all-together to just focus on school. To potentially take out student loans to cover living expenses for the both of us and just throw herself into school. It sounds wonderful in theory, and I think she could do phenominally. But I worry. I worry most about her follow through, she has a tendency to change venue every time things are uncomfortable, and loans aren't really the kind of thing I want to add to that kind of personality. Especially because school has an unfomfortable period every semester. It's hard because I feel obligated to go find a good paying job so I can support her through school. Thats not who we are as a couple though. If she makes it all the way through school with internships and extracurriculars and everything she is capable of it will be totally worth the loans. It will be totally worth everything. But I don't know if any of what she is doing is authentic to her, or just trying to please the rest of us.
I find myself more and more aware of how shameful my existence has become. I don't add to other peoples lives and I don't have value in a community. I want to change the world, but I'm not really even a part of it any more. And it all seams to come down to my aversion for money. I detest the idea of debt, and I detest the idea of trading my time for money. If robots ever make it to the mainstream workforce there will be a lot of unemployed fools. I believe I have more value, that I'm better than the "fools" but I dont even add as much value to the community as they do. I'm not involved in a cause. I'm not working towards anything. And it makes me wish I weren't such a hollow fool. With that thought, I need to try and paint. I owe it to Caity. I owe it to myself.

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Coming out letter (78)
(Trigger Warning! Severe self-harm, dysphoria, suicidality, media misrepresentation, menstruation, forced compliance to gender norms):
Dear Mom, 
I'm not a lesbian, but I am gay. My short hair is not a marker of my sexuality, but of my gender. My attraction to gay men is no coincidence, but a direct consequence of who I am. I am a transgender man. I always have been.
The discomfort I have felt around the feminine has been there, omnipresent in the back of my mind. Dressed so frequently in drag - as a female - I have spent years afraid to be myself.
The denial years.
From age 13 to 24 I held myself in a deep denial. Suffocated and suicidal, I pushed myself away from the truth. The only representation of the transmasculine to which I had been exposed was in a Discovery Channel documentary. He had taken razors to his chest, mutilating himself with scar tissue in an attempt to divest himself of the burden of breasts. While I too did not like my breasts, I did not have it in me to self-mutilate or attempt self-surgery. So I pushed it to the back of my mind, consoling myself with the thought of a someday-breast-reduction.
I concluded that due to my lack of desire for DIY surgery, I must not truly be transgender, and put it out of my mind. I pretended, in the following years, that my discomfort with my body was due to being overweight. I pretended that my desire to be included in male friendship circles was the boy-crazy antics of a teenage girl. I pretended to be comfortable talking about menstruation.
One Christmas at (aunt's) house, I had awful period cramps, and after hours of suffering confided this to her in the hopes of getting some pharmaceutical relief. She told everyone. (Her sister-in-law) came up to me and sympathized, and I wanted to die . Completely mortified, I withdrew into my thoughts. Internally, I screamed, "but you're a WOMAN! You're SUPPOSED to have periods!" And I thought to myself, "If she's a woman, then by contrast, who am I?" I pretended it was that I felt I was still a child.
In my dreams, I was always disconnected from my body - unless in those dreams I was male. In my daydreams, I pictured my future - as a rock star, a comedian, or an actor -  all male. I saw myself shirtless, singing to a crowd in a deep voice.
In choir, I tried to get Mr. (Choir Director) to let me sing tenor with the boys. I would sometimes do it on a whim if I felt I could get away with it. I wanted to be in the men's chorus. I wanted to wear a tuxedo. I didn't use the word transgender for myself, but I longed to be one of the boys. In all-state jazz choir I desperately tried to fit in with the boys. I told myself it was because we shared interests, like classic rock and raunchy humor.
Way back in elementary school, I did the same thing. I wanted to play kickball, but I never got picked. I spent my bus rides telling dirty jokes with the boys.
I only liked books with male protagonists, and usually male authors. I felt more at home in those stories than in my own skin.
Every time my hair was forcibly put into a ponytail, I hated it. For evidence, see my 4th (or 5th?) grade school picture. The previous year I had taken my hair down, so this time my grandmother shellacked it into place with great gobs of hair gel, so that none of it would move from its place. I tried to remove it, but it was too physically painful. I requested a gray background to match my mood, and gave the camera a death-glare.
In high school, I cut my hair (just the part that one might consider "bangs") to look like Chris Klein from American Pie. I wanted to be him. I wanted to be Steven Tyler and Freddie Mercury and ZZ Top.
I was always so afraid to express myself, because every expression I liked was looked down upon by my family - goth fashion, writing out my demons, dark music... So I wore the clothes that were given to me. I wore eyeliner, but only that. I took comfort in the "emo" trend, which had a number of boys wearing eyeliner during that period. 
Whenever (aunt) took me clothes shopping, she would stop at the dress section and relentlessly pick things that she thought were cute. Every time, I ended up trying on a couple, and eventually saying I liked one so we could leave the store. Then it would rot in my closet.
When I was 19, I went to a friend's wedding. As I assumed was appropriate, I tried to "dress up" nice for the occasion. I wore my homecoming dress, with full makeup. The entire time, I felt like I was in drag, inappropriately, an exhibitionist flaunting my false facade. I was complimented on my appearance and found myself at a loss for words. All I could think about was how wrong I looked, how much I was a liar and a fake and begging for attention with my looks (while my mind begged for my looks to be ignored).
I tried to make friends in college, but found that I couldn't relate to anyone. The girls all had their "girly" things, and the boys their "manly" things. And here was I, stuck in the middle. At (university), my fellow psych majors all felt somehow distant and different from me. I couldn't figure out who I was - I think that's what made me different from them.
For so many years, I had defined myself by the external. In those get-to-know-you games that ask "what's one interesting thing about you?" I would answer that my mother has a mental illness. And I was drawn to the abnormal mind - I told myself it was because my mom had one.
I had worn my disguise so long and so thoroughly that I had lost myself in it.
It wasn't until I met a collegiate trans man that the sparks of self-actualization began to coalesce. I applied for and got a job at his workplace, to see if I could learn anything from him. At this job, meetings began with everyone stating their name  and preferred personal pronouns . This was the first time since a brief mention on a late-night TV show (non-mom readers: it was The L-Word, hahaha) that I had heard anyone use gender-neutral pronouns. 
When I worked at Dairy Queen, I confirmed a customer's order to him, and he said, "Yessir! ... I mean, ma'am. Yes ma'am. Sorry." And my thoughts were, "Sir is fine! Sir is great!" It was the best moment of working at DQ I ever had.
Every time someone has called me a girl, or said, "What's up, girl?!" I have felt uncomfortable. For my whole life. 
I have felt uncomfortable for my whole life.
I can't listen to the sound of my own voice recorded. It sounds wrong. It takes constantly talking out loud to myself to keep me used to the sound of my voice, so that it doesn't startle me into a spiraling depression.
I know now what I never knew before: there are resources for me. There are ways to become who I've always wanted to be, who I've always seen myself as. It is not impossible to ever be happy. It is hard. But not impossible. 
"Can anybody hear me? I just want to be... me And when I can, I will." ~ Smashing Pumpkins, Mayonaise

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Must I Return to Work (103)
Right now Brendan is playing in his pack in play, exploring what he is able to do at this stage.  Silly baby noises and sleepy sounds are coming out there.  I really don't want to miss our mornings together but I have to go back to work in another week.  I don't want to.  I want to be selfish and stay home with him and Curly but unfortunately the bills can't be paid on just Josh's salary :(
It's going to be extremely hard to spend 9ish hours away from my little man and then not want to cuddle him the entire time I get home.  Being gone most of a morning from him Friday cost me our baby time until supper.  That was even short lived.  He was too sleepy for me to get much time with him. :(

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[1963] Forlander (47)
Its 7:30pm in california.
I'm on a plane.. about to take off.
And that's all i know.
So far...
Everyone rides a bike.
The toilets are unnecessarily wide.
The buildings are colorful.

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Hope (63)
I've run the gammet on what to expect and how I've felt this month. Every day seams to be a little different or a lot. At any rate, it's never the same and that can be a real challenge. For a while, in a all my emotional turmoil I ended the relationship with Val and fought to find a way to keep Caity. It always ended in some form of limbo and it's all very difficult to maintain my feeling of connection. Over the past week or so I have worked hard to reincorperate Val into my marriage with Caity. Monday Val paired off individually with both Caity and I. I don't feel like it added much value to my marriage and I find that troubling. I was exceptionally uncomfortable with Val and Caity and I walked in on both of them topless on the couch, Vals hair desheveled. I had a major freak out that night. I said and did things that I am very not proud of. I shoved Caity around and screamed a little. I had every right to freak out, but I wish I could have handled it better. I let Caity know that the best way to calm me down is to fuck me, and I feel really good about that. 
Yesterday Caity came home from work, took me out to dinner to spend some time with me and reconnect. It was lovely to feel that she was taking time for me. I felt important/wanted and I worked hard to be present with her. I had spent the day finding some form of purpose from life and I wanted to use what I learned to connect with her. We went home after running some errands and stripped naked on the couch. We kissed, I carressed every inch of her, and we made love as best we know how. It was marvelous to reconnect, though I felt very inconfident as she had said she wasn't sexually attracted to me a little over a week earlier. I tried my best not to bring up all the insecurities built off the previous weeks and it felt wonderful to be with my wife and be sexual and vulnerable. Her body makes Val's look like the Juan Maria Ojeda jesus repaint. I am truly married to a goddess and having her be with someone who has sexual confidence has already changed her into so much more confident and beautiful a woman.
After we lay on the couch feeling close and connected. I felt truly taken care of for the first time in a very long time (and if we are going off feeling not fact), maybe even since we were dating. We talked, and for the first time since shit hit the fan we both wanted a future together. Caity talked about seeing Val not as a permenent thing and while I don't think either of us want to push Val away, it was nice to see that we both don't think she wants to stay forever. We talked about our future in New York, and then moving somewhere by the ocean (the south of france) and Caity having twins. I'll admit that I want kids right now. I don't want to pop out babies right now, I just currently want to have children before I die. It was so nice to feel like caity could be there for me, could make me feel safe, could make me feel better. I feel bad that it all comes down to sex, but I truly feel connected. I truly feel like I have a wife I can love forever. Even if she fucks other people.
And that is what I actually want to work through. I feel, for the first time since I can remember, like we are working towards a wonderfully fulfilled future together. I read a sub-reddit today about a man who's wife had sex with a woman without him present and it made him feel very uncomfortable. 
It was nice to have a community of individuals offer advice and tell him it was okay to be uncomfortable. That there are communities to help him deal and he can choose what he wants. That he was justified in being uncomfortable and that the feelings everyone was feeling had the potential to be very dangerous to their marriage. And there was so much polyamory support and so much openness. I know that's only what I took from it, but it felt nice to have some kind of compatriot. To have a post that was all about hope and not just feelings and the psychology of how it is likely going to end.
I still have fears that Caity isn't sexually attracted to me. It's all consuming sometimes. But I have so much hope. I hope for a forever with Caity where we both can feel fulfilled and live the virtuous aristotalian life that vivifies the pinacle of human living. I hope for a sexual compatibilty and fulfillment with the only woman I ever hope to be married to. I hope for an amazing carreer where my artistic voice is heard loudly and my wife is supportive and radiant and part of all my gallery exhibitions somehow. I hope for peace, joy, happiness and love, and for an adventurous, bohemian life that is truly satisfying. And I hope for france and for twin girls that I can raise to eat with a fork and knife, and swear sillily in french, and love whoever they love.

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Did I lose myself in you. R. (77)
God, I would have moved mountains for you.
You gave me this false hope.
You fed me this illusion and then left me empty.
You took everything and left me with nothing.
I lost myself in you.
I truly understand now why people go
back to shitty people now.
FUCK. You were my drug.
Being next to you was intoxicating and draining at the same time.
I left our encounters depressed and I still kept calling.
My heart still skipped a beat when I saw your name.
I didnt know the damage you did untill i felt
my drunken shame that time when I had reached out to you
knowing full well you were with her.
The most sobering thought in my 24 years of life
is to realize how ugly this kind of infatuation and love
can make a person.
You brought me to the worst parts of myself.
If only i'd known sooner..

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Untitled (86)
it ended. he ended it. i feel. fuck. i don't want to feel this.

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comfortably numb (69)
is there anyone home?
i don't know.
what's on my mind?
work has literally wrecked my body; my soul had a hit the other day as well.
what has my usage, or no that's not the question. numb. numb. dumb. dizzy.
i feel dizzy. i feel weak. my body is not well. i want to change that. i want to get back into running. today i ran a mile and it was shit cold outside. i had a massive headache after. i felt my shoulders stiffen up and my right ankle was bothering me but once i looked up i felt that the view was mine and mine alone. it felt so good to claim that view as mine. i was alone and it felt so right.
i went to visit my aunt today; she's not doing so well. she had surgery in the morning and is recovering. tomorrow i'm going to take her some mexican bread and maybe some couscous? i told my uncle that the slice of cake he sent me was delicious, he was very appreciative.
i feel so far away from them.
earlier i had dinner with my mom and my dad, i haven't had dinner with them in months... about five months, possibly more. we live in the same house.
i miss my family but i know once i get close bad things, i can't explain it, i get so anxious. i don't like being close to people, too much risk.
i've hit another fork in the road.
the irony hahaha.
baabe oooh. baaaabe, i'm gonna leave you. oooh baaaaaaby. you know, i really got to leave youuuu.
this song. fuck. these damn songs.
i feel. i am. that's me, that's me at my most meeee-est. i don't care to get high or drunk. i don't want to forget, i can't forget. i don't want to numb the pain, i want to know what's going on. i want to know what's going on, what's causing it and what can i do to change it.
but now, i got to go awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
love is not enough.
i want to learn, to read, to listen. i want a chance to interpret, the space to share.
this is what i'm looking for in a relationship; someone that can grow with me. i feel like i'm growing, i'm growing far away from him. i feel like he's resentful.
that really upsets me.
actually, it doesn't upset me, i'm thinking of rage. it pisses me off. i don't want to be stunted, stepped on, censored, hushed by anyone.
what pisses the fuck out of me are empty threats. that just, those aren't buttons, no, now you're tampering with wires. buttons piss but wires implode. that's not very wise. empty threats... mmmm that's not very becoming of anyone. i don't care how high you are, it's inexcusable. damn, my insides are trembling with rage. yes. i want to, i want toooo continue writing.
don't forget, don't eeever forget the words that shook your core, "with our without you, i'll be just fine. i never want to need you, i just want to enjoy your company. i don't want to use you nor would i want you to use me. we're both strong enough people to move on."
that stays true and will never ever change. i'm working with every cell in my body so that can remain true. i never want to depend on anyone. the shit i'm putting up with now only gets me closer to leaving. the goal isn't to leave, no, it's to grow and part of growing is learning to be independent.
my biggest enemy is myself; my pride.

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1294 (79)
Well, I didn't end up doing anything New Years Eve in 2014, again. 
I stayed home with my bottle of sparkling cider and watched the movie New Years Eve with my dog. 
It comes to a point in a YSA's life where the New Year thing is just counting another year of not having sex. 
I was leaving work on New Years Eve and found a tenant in our building in his car with his head bent down in an unconscious state.  I watched him for a while to see if he would move.  He didn't.  Oh great, I thought, why do I have to find the dead guy on New Years Eve?  So I wandered over to his car and tapped on his window.  He was hunched over, still in his seatbelt and car running, with his phone held limply in his lap.  Slightly alarming sight. But he perked up as soon as I knocked and rolled down the window and went on to greet me as if we were talking for awhile... Happy New Year and all.  I mentioned I just wanted to make sure he was okay.  He said he fell asleep while listening to his messages.  It looked more like he was trying to call for help before he passed out.  But whatever.  Glad he was alive.  He's like in his 60's or 70's.  Based on the behavior I would say more 70's.
But it made me wonder.  Who falls asleep while listening to messages?  In their running car? In their seatbelt? Does he do that at home? In other public places? Does he do that in the garage?...
I was toying with the idea of hanging out with Evan tho.  But I thought about his invitation and noticed about 10 selfish things going on.   It's amazing how he does that.  Manipulates the situation to make it sound flattering and inviting, but its all just a ploy to satisfy himself if only for a breif moment which is how he used me for like three years.  He said I could come to his place.  HA.  He shares a house with 5 or 6 other roomates so he only has a little bedroom.  Spending the New Year in a 40 yr old's tiny bedroom does not seem enticing.  He said we could play his Xbox games.  And we all know how exciting his games are (coughSARCASMcough).  And he said he'd cook up some steaks.  He always wants/has steaks. Does the boy eat anything else?  Then I remembered he turns into a pumpkin at like 10pm.  How fun is that... 
So spending the New Years in a 40 yr old's bedroom while watching him play his Xbox games and eating his steak prolly on his bed and going home around 10pm it juss didn't seem.... fun.  So I kinda cancelled on him. Ish.  Apparently he didn't get the rejection.  Because a few days later he texted and went all drama on me cuz I didn't call him back after I had thought we changed our minds about hanging out that night. So he felt all ignored. 
And what does he do when he feels sad, ignored, lonely, (you can almost name any emotion at this point in his life)?  He drinks.  So I got drunk texts from him New Years Eve.  Lets juss say I was glad I didn't hang out with him, a sad, depressing, lonely, drunk 40 yr old in his bedroom for a couple of hours. 
The next day we didn't talk.  The next day he asked if I was mad at him, hence the silence the other day, and I said no.  I was feeling rather honest and mentioned I don't have any emotion towards him anymore nowadays.  I esp don't waste my time on being mad him for drinking.  What good does that do?  He said it sounded harsh.  Like I said, I was feeling honest, do I apologize for that?  I said there was no point being mad at him and then the next text he all blew up on me basically saying we aren't friends anymore and he knew I would "cut him" eventually like everyone else has.  Then he continued to cut off ties with me by saying I could sell his leather and keep the money cuz I prolly deserve it for putting up with him for so long. 
Again, feeling honest, but this time didn't say it, but I kinda had to agree with that last part.  I prolly do deserve it.  Anyways!  I got lost in that argument.  I thought not being mad at him would be a good thing for him.  Ya know, cuz boys don't respond well when girls are mad or disappointed with them and they get more depressed or mad.  How does he want me to react to his drinking? What does he want from me?  
Nobody likes the drama friend. 
Apparently he didn't get, in our last convo, that we had changed our plans and decided not to hang out and I was busy at work and accidently said the detramental phrase of "I'll call you back".  Apparently ppl take that literally.  So I thought we changed plans, the end, no need to call.  He said I made plans with him and then ignored him.  Technically he'd have to call me for me to ignore him, but whatever, sure, I ignored him.  He said it wasn't cool. I noticed he stands up for himself when he isn't being treated the way he wants. But when someone else does it, its somehow their own fault or something?  Anyways... I didn't really care. 
So I had a hard time convincing myself to patch things up with him. It would be easier if I didn't. Sigh. I'm still a slight sucker for the guy I guess. He was ending the so-called friendship we have because I wouldn't call him back. Drinking usually ends up with drama I've noticed. Oy vay. I eventually said sorry.  He said it was okay and like usual, used his drinking as his excuse for his behavior.  Seriously.  I honestly dont ever remember saying sorry to that boy in the whole three years we were together. I should prolly work on that for the future, maybe not now though, with him...anyways... 

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stay (78)
Why is the worst question. When answered, it gives intent. When answered it can be a road map for how a person thinks and what future actions will be and what past actions meant. In the grand scheme of things why should be utterly meaningless. It doesn't matter why hitler was anti-sematic. Or why Rosa Park refused to give up her seat. The why wasn't determinent of the outcome.
So I suppose it shouldn't matter why Caity should need a relationship with Valerie in addition to mine.
But it does.
I suppose I feel somehow betrayed. In this moment my marriage doesn't just involve two people. And that was never how my marriage was written. I was supposed to be yours and you were supposed to be mine. Niether of us succeeded I suppose, but what about now. Am I not enough for you? I've always felt like too much for you. I always felt like you were mere moments from spontaneously combusting. Now I'm starting to see that is your manipulation of me. It's your play to get people to do things for you. You pretended you couldn't handle anything so you didn't have to. I suppose I play that card sometimes.
That card is probably why I never want you to be a mother though. To some degree I probably married you to replace her. Its disgusting. But I'd never want children to be raised by a person who constantly pretended to be on the precipice of defeat. That pretense means constant anxiety.
I'd love to say that I'm okay with a polyamorous triad. But I'm not. I refuse to give myself fully to someone who isn't reciprocating. Thats probably why we are here in the first place. I would like to let you explore your sexuality, but you committed to me. And exploration is a clear breach of that commitment. I'd like to demand that you only have eyes for me, but you and I both know (even if we can't say it to each others face) that you can't do that. You pretend you can't do anything even though I know better. I'm not ready to leave, but I can't help but think its time. I can't help but start writing up a mental list of our assetts and the appraised value to be split, beginning to pack my things and search for a life after you. I never planned on there being any life after you. It was supposed to be "always." It feels like the end of the universe.
For now that's all in my head, no actual packing. But I don't see us coming out the other side of this. Our actions say that we both aren't happy here. Our actions don't say we are committed to what we have without changing. I suppose I'm writing this to hurt you. To shock you into somehow chasing after me. To trick you into promising me the world. But by now I've come to realize you won't ever deliver the world. So I don't know what I want. I want all of you, but that won't make me happy, just make our marriage whole.
I suppose I should look back at when we were dating and see what we liked back then, except all we ever did was make out and rub each other. So maybe it should be no suprise that we are where we are. You were my reprieve from my world of pressures and stigma, a literal instant gratification of everything. I'm not sure what I was, but judging from your other S.O.s I was attention. A substitute for daddy's affection. And I made it easy for you to find committed admiration. I was hoping in looking back to find a recipe for fixing things, instead I found a map of why they are broken.
I don't want to leave.
I don't want to stay.
It seams no matter what I choose it looks like a lot of pain. I'd be open to working on a real relationship. Going on adventures together. Finding shared interests. Making goals for our future and spending way too much time being cute together. That all sounds like Val could work, but I feel like we are Valerie's hobby, not the other way around. I share every thought with you. And somehow I feel like we share nothing meaningful. I'm open to having a fulfilled and meaningful relationship with you. I want to cook you pasta, and take you snowshoeing (perhaps metaphorically). And I want you to rub my back after a long day and invest time and energy into sharing a home and a life. I want you to pretend convincingly to like showshoeing. I just don't see how the current direction of our life serves that. I guess I just can't see our future. I don't see you liking me enough to pretend convincingly to like snowshoeing. And as a metaphore, that is the meaning of love.
I still don't want to leave.
I'm still afraid to stay.
For now, I'm going to find a way to be passionately involved in the progression of my life. I'm going to leap forward and upward. I'm going to commit to serving and loving you, Caity, and pray desperately that I feel loved enough to continue loving. I'm going to let you explore and learn and grow, and know that my loving you and letting you explore, is absolutely and unequivically killing me. But I feel like you deserve it. And if we were keeping score, it's probably perfectly fair. I'm going to put on my best smile mask, I'm going to do your stupid dishes, and I'm going to try to thrive here. Because you are still the only place I want to be.

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Yesterday was a sad hungover kind of day. Without any kind of consideration for the days around it, it was a good day. I slept until well past noon. I spent the day with friends. But when yesterday bothers to consider its place in the universe, as with all existential wandering, it feels a lot less good. Caity decided it was time to be complete with Val and get honest. It was a long sit on our rediculously comfy couches. And while I felt no remorse for feelings lost or gained, I felt like it was the end of something.
I have been trying to be less manipulative. For the most part that just means I try not to take control of things. It makes me feel very vulnerable. Vulnerable is usually good. But I felt like I had no place yesterday. I felt completely and utterly unnecessary. After Caity and Val talked for a while, and then Val stopped talking, I felt it was time to occupy myself. I ended up at another house, where things were completly relaxed. It felt safe, and simple. Good friends, good movies, and good salsa can make life seam a lot easier.
I came home too late to talk to Caity alone. She had gone to bed. So this morning I only got bits and pieces of what she and Val talked about. I caught that Val had confessed having feelings for her. And my jealous possesive nature is very angry about that. That alone makes me feel somehow like I need to cut a bitch. Like I need to take action to protect my happiness. But I'm trying to not be manipulative, or neurotic. And loving someone means not being possessive. So as much as I want to shank someone, I think its probably wiser to let things play out for a minute. And maybe I end up alone at the end of all this. 
For the record, I'm not angry that Val has feelings. Feelings are good, and a little bit beautiful. I'm angry because I can't trust that those feelings are real. I can't trust that it's not just a ploy to be liked. I feel like its some kind of manipulative play to get what Val wants. And that makes me feel most threatened. I want to be loved and wanted, and I want to put work in to that. But I've been working so hard for that for six years by being manipulating, and always feeling empty. And when I'm not being all manipulating, I play the marter. I'm trying not to repeat those mistakes anymore. But I'm not sure what option C looks like. I have shank a bitch as option one, and leave it all to Caity and then blame her for whatever unhappiness ensues as option two. It's an excellent way to illustrate my manipulative nature. I suppose I'll come back to what option C looks like.
I also feel like Caity might be done with me. Its not an overwhelming feeling. It is one I have felt almost the full six years we've been married. It's in the little things. She doesn't ever seem to follow through on her promises. And maybe thats just a fluke, but it shows me in little ways what she is actually thinking about. She promises to clean up after herself and then watches netflix all night instead. There is a trail of junk that follows her around the entire house. She isn't vulnerable with me. She never iniciates intimacy. How does that mean she's done? It doesn't. But it does show that she is trying to escape her current life. And she is probably afraid of me.
I should probably stop reading into things. I should probably grow a pair, take care of my own life (which I've never done even passibly), and let other people decide the shape of their own lives. I dreamed last night that I went on a study abroad with my friend Charles. It was a totally spur of the moment thing and I knew I was forgetting things. But I bought my plane ticket and ran to catch up with the group, and flew away knowing most of it I could just buy later (even though I forgot a bunch of cash in my parents armoire). I've always asked myself if I were not married what would I be doing. Right now, I would be flying to Europe. I would be working on my art. I would be living in a small modern house near the ocean. Instead, I'm cleaning up Caity's dishes. I'm both happy and sad about this. It's nice to feel wanted. It's nice to feel like all of that time I didn't spend on my own life has a point. But good fuck my life is a mess.
I feel like I am constantly working to get what I want and still keep Caity and I together. Right now I want to tear at the cracks of my relationship with her. I want to run away and no longer be vulnerable. And then I want Caity to pull some kind of miracle and fix it all. I don't know what the best option is, but I can tell it is me not running anywhere. If things are going to work the way I want them to, I must be an active participant. It doesn't matter if that means continuing the exhausting work of living where I am. For now, that will be option C. From moment to moment, live as the person you want to be. Don't run. Don't shank a bitch. Just ask for what you want.

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Everyone is asking what I'm doing for New Years.
Everyone is inviting me to do stuff with them on New Years.
And I don't want to do any of it.
Which begs the question of what do I want to do?
The idea of being single and going to your parents house seems lame.
Esp when one parent is working and the other goes to bed at 10pm. 
My sis and her family will be there which leaves the aftermath of tired screaming children the next day. 
I'm not sure why they don't do New Years at their house with just them?  Its not like ppl are going to be around at home. 
Other than that I'm left with being a fifth wheel at couples game night while screaming children run around the house and interrupt the game.  Yaaayyy.... 
I love Natalie and Shelly and Min and their children.... but... 
I'd rather be actually physically alone than feel alone in a room full of people this year. 
Is that weird?  Do I just hate ppl now?  I've hung out with these guys at other times and done other activities with them, what is so special about New Years that I don't want to hang out with them and their children?
It's really nice that everyone tries to include me in their plans even if they are specifically "couple" plans, but they call it "friends night" and insist I should come... 
But it's just not... that exciting to me.  I suppose I'm too selfish to share my time on the New Year.
But in my defense Arthur doesn't want to go either. 
And again, it leaves the question of what do I want to do.
What would I do if I didn't join married couples and their children?
Nothing.  Like usual. 
Is that better?   My mind answers me immediately and says yes. 
Then the ex just texted and made an offer to hang out on New Years. 
It seems like such a regression from all the progess I've made in getting away from him.
But honestly, his offer sounds the best so far. 
Besides me sitting at home alone with a bottle of sparkling apple cider again this year.
I dont even think the Ward is doing the same old ice skating thing they did last year.  At least I haven't heard anything about it.
I could make some effort and invite some ppl over to my house, but the courage to invite ppl I barely know and the effort just aren't in the relaxing category I'm looking for...

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