Well I'm pretty excited for the next few weeks. Going to be good ones. Also the weather is getting nicer and I know summer and the +30 weather is not too far behind :)
Now I know to some of my followers I'm going to sound like a broken record but I had a dream last night about my ex. We were back together, it was before any shit went down or anything. Honestly though, it was probably the best dream i've had in a long time. It wasn't anything sexual or anything like it, it was just being around her, talking with her, and laughing with her. When I woke up I was actually sad....like really wtf. It's been over a fucking year Drew! I just can't seem to forget it, it's been longer than 6 months since we've even talked too! I don't like her anymore it's just me thinking about the good times we had. I just can't seem to think about all the shit she put me through.
I'm also once again really wanting to find a girlfriend. I was actually thinking about getting married and it scared the shit out of me. Finding that perfect someone for me.....how am I supposed to know? Everyone says you just know....but when I can't talk to a fucking girl how am I supposed to know!? I've lost trust in a lot of people since the whole ex ordeal. So not only do I had self confidence issues but now also I'm reveling to you I have trust issues. Honestly I can't even trust most of my friends anymore, family as well. I just seem to be one big problem, all I want to do is sake this all off and just go talk to a women. It's easy enough talking about it but when it comes down to it I just cant. Well anyone I'm happy I vented there.
Screw this and seriously screw everyone. What the hell have I done wrong? Since when is being nice and caring a crime? I try to be a good friend, I try to lend the extra hand, and yet they still screw me over!? What's really disappointing is that these actually are my FRIENDS that are screwing me over.
I'm done with them. And right now I don't even want to be in the sorority next year because I don't feel like I'm a valued member. I don't feel like I'd be missed, so why would I waste all the time and money to be in something that no one cares about? It just doesn't make sense to me at all. Nothing does these days.
Right now the only stable thing I have going is my boy. We are doing fantastic and I think we are pretty set in stone. I'm feeling good about us and about his family. My mom did his taxes the other day, and he went over there for a while and just hung out... that never happens. So I'm thankful for him. In the end, I am so glad I'm with him and I hope that we can keep this going.
Ultimately I'm screwed for this summer. Basically my mom told me I can live in the guest bedroom. I like that effort on her half, except living out of a suitcase makes me miserable... especially when my room is right down the hall. I would like to find a place to live, just until the end of december. However I understand that it is not how things work. I don't know what to do, but I certainly do not want to live in a guest bedroom in my own house. When I told my mom I was gonna move out, she seemed surprized?? Where else am I going to go?!
I just cannot please everyone. Nor do I want to... anymore. Bullshit I say.
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i want to type and look like i'm doing something important. so i'm going to rant a bit and see where this takes me.
I want an ipod. Because then i can put music in my ears and then dance and nobody has to be bothered execpt for when i'm dancing in their face, not that i do that very often. I'm almost to spring break and i want to thrust out all of my creative juices because i think i need a refreasher course. And although my artwork may take some time, at least i feel better when i do it.
You know how some people know exactly what it is that they want to do with their life? me niether. I'm waiting for something to kick me in the head and tell me that this is what i should do. I like Accounting. I think i could do it for the rest of my life and be content, but what about happy? can i be happy in anything with my life? Not for moments but for all time? why do i like the idea of sad movies? so that i can cry! i don't want my own life to be sad. i'd rather get all my negitive emotions on things that don't exist!
My hip hurts and my shoulders hurt... maybe i can arrange for spring break to hang upside down for a few hours a day. supposedly it's supposed to work.. i don't get why... execpt that i suppose that it would help your back... reverse gravity or so.
Gravity... i saw Alice in Wonderland directed by Tim Burton and i loved it. and it makes me want a cat.... yeah. But i liked the muchness, although for anyone that may think about what is similar between a raven and a writing desk... my guess is ink. I'm fond of riddles.
shiver