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What's New At Sitdiary?
Spring Cleaning Apr 17, 2014

After moving hosts a while back, apparently a few things got neglected, so I took it upon myself to get stuff working again. As it turns out, it was nothing crazy, but so far I've fixed:

  • User Profiles
  • Comments Viewer
  • Friends Post Viewer
  • Buggy stuff behind the scenes

As always, my goal is to bring the back-end code for Sitdiary up to snuff, but for now -- at least stuff works.

 

Love,

 

Scott

 

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Recent Posts

 
Abschottung (6)
Nachdem meine Frau mich ja quasi vor die Wahl stellt: entweder Ausscheiden aus der Feuerwehr oder Krieg habe ich seit Sonntag viel darüber nachgedacht. Einerseits will ich mich nicht länger emotional erpressen lassen und springen wie Sie das so möchte. Andererseits verstehe ich Sie ja. Sie möchte in keinster Weise Begegnungen mit dieser Frau haben - ich auch nicht im übrigen und da Ihr Sohn bei der Jugendfeuerwehr ist, wird Sie dementsprechend auch auf jedem Fest zugegen sein. Meine Frau wählt da lieber konsequent die soziale Abgrenzung - ich würde das nicht tun, weil mir diese Frau nichts bedeutet - mehr als Geschreibe war da nicht und wird da auch niemals sein. Für mich bedeutet ein Austritt sozusagen eine Isolation vom Dorfgeschehen, ich werde Freunde im Stich lassen und sozusagen kneifen. Zeitweise denke ich meine Männlichkeit zu verlieren, als Stubentiger und Pantoffelheld verschämt zu Hause zu sitzen, während andere Brauchtum aufrechterhalten und alte Lieder singen, während Sie den Met verkosten und Raubzüge planen. Naja im übertriebenen Sinne denke ich das. Aber ich denke die Essenz ist klar oder?
Heute morgen habe ich meiner Frau gesagt, dass ich es scheiße finde, von Ihr erpresst zu werden und Sie sagte sie wüsste, das es scheisse ist, aber die Sache sei ihr wichtig. Ich nehme es also als verzweifelten Hilfeschrei. Sie liebt mich und möchte mich nicht verlieren. Sie möchte mich auch kontrollieren und in einem gewissen Maß akzeptiere ich das. Ich war bei Ihr vor Jahren an genau dem selben Punkt und habe es innerlich gehasst, einen solchen Zwang zu haben. Ständig im ungewissen, ob Sie 'meine' ist oder nicht. Was Sie wirklich fühlt und denkt und ob Sie mich wirklich liebt. Ob es sicher ist, das wir zusammen sind.
Das alles frisst wie Rost und blättert und bröselt einem die Seele auf, lässt einem keine Freiraum, je mehr man den Partner einengt, je gefangener wird man selbst und alles kreist nur um die Sicherheit. Die Freiheit bleibt dabei auf der Strecke.
Im Anfang unserer Beziehung habe ich sogar Ihre Passwörter gehackt, um zu wissen, ob Sie mir fremdgeht oder nicht. Jedes auch noch so unbedeutend positiv geschriebene Wort an einen anderen Mann versetzte mir den Dolchstoß ins Herz und verbitterte mich immer mehr. Bis die Blase irgendwann platzte als Sie jemandem schrieb, das Sie mich nicht lieben würde und insgeheim auf Ihren Ex Partner warten würde. In diesem Moment offenbarte ich Ihr alles, das ich wüsste was Sie fühlt und was Sie geschrieben hat, wie sie zu mir stehen würde und das ich nur ein Platzhalter sei, der gut genug wäre um eine Zeit zu überbrücken.
Ich beendete daraufhin die Beziehung und genau das bewirkte etwas in Ihr: Sie bemerkte, das Ihr Ex, der sie schwanger sitzenließ kein wirkliches Ziel eines Lebenstraumes ist und bereute wohl, mit mir so ungegangen zu sein. Nachdem Sie tagelang geweint hatte und wirklich verzweifelt war, rappelte ich mich zusammen, um Sie zu trösten. Seitdem sind wir ein richtiges Paar, haben viel zusammen überstanden und eine Familie mit 2 Kindern. Haben uns weiterentwickelt und ein Haus gekauft, ziehen unsere Kinder groß und verlieren und im Alltag. Nichts besonderes also.
Aber ich verstehe, warum Sie so zwanghaft ist und das traurige an der Sache ist, ja, das ich es eigentlich besser wissen müsste - Sie in diese Situation zu bringen ist unmenschlich von mir und ich muss es wieder gut machen. Ich liebe Sie und ich möchte, dass Sie glücklich ist. Auch wenn Sie ein Hausdrachen, ein Tyrann und gleichzeitig ein kleines Mädchen, eine Frau und Prinzessin ist. Niemand versteht das aus meinem Umfeld und das ist eigentlich auch egal. Ich weiss, das es richtig ist, diesen Menschen glücklich zu machen.
Ich werde also wieder mal klein beigeben, weil ich es bereue, Sie so verletzt zu haben, weil ich mich schuldig fühle für ihr seelisches Gefängnis, den Folterturm, in dem Sie aus dem Fenster hinter mir herschaut, wenn ich das Haus verlasse und in dem Sie mein Handy durchsucht, nach jedem Fitzel Untreue, einfach um den windenden Lindwurm in Ihrer Seele zu beruhigen, zu nähren. Nur leider wächst er dadurch und verkümmert nicht.
Ich versuche diesen jetzt zu vertreiben, in dem ich bei Ihr bleibe, für Sie da bin und treu. Gedanklich und körperlich. Letzteres sowieso.
Ich hatte mir Gedanken gemacht weshalb ich in der Liebe so einsam bin und treibe meine Frau selbst in diese Einsamkeit.
Es gibt viel gut zu machen.

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Faith in God was tested (15)
Everything checked out.  I dont have cancer. Im probably infertile, but thank God thats it.  

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1435 (12)
I've never experienced a hangover before.
But I imagine it's a lot like waking up to my roommate.  
Too bright, too loud, too happy. 
I'm not a morning person. 
I swear she waits in bed until the precise moment she knows I'm out of bed and follows me around, just to torture me. I can't have a moment alone, to wake up, to adjust.  At least children are somewhat cute when they pester you at all hours.  This grown woman is not that cute. 
I just want to smash my finger against her lips and say "sshhhh" while squinting my eyes. 
There is no need to talk that loud so early in the morning...or afternoon, whenever I get out of bed. 
She giggles at everything (in which things I do not see any humor in), esp my reactions or lack thereof to her 'oh so exciting' stories she tells.
I have not ever responded or contributed to the convo she carries on in the morning.  I'm pritti sure I've never really acknowledged her existence in the mornings.   But she just doesn't get it.
I generally tune her out when she goes on and on and on.  But in the morning I suppose I'm more blatant about the fact I don't care.  And she might actually notice.  And it might offend her. 
_______________________________________________
"Life (dating) is hard;
it's harder if you're stupid." 
-John Wayne 
 

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Sometimes (9)
Sometimes i just idle here because it feels like a home.

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Collapsing Rueckwaerts (6)
We had our Christmas Party of the Fire Depatment on Saturday, with family.
Now there came this one Woman in to bring her son to the party. It was one of the women i wrote (!) with and my wife totally flipped out.
Now there is war and silence again. She asks me to quit the fire department so i wont have anything in common with that woman anymore. Crazy right?
I feel like someone pulled out my guts.

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Untitled (28)
I feel like I scared you away. I just want to know that your okay

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Pressure (37)
I am 33. I am single. 
These are two innocuous facts, right? Just data. Just information. But almost every day something happens, someone says something, that reminds me: Your single and your eggs are getting old you're going to die childless and alone. 
People like to say "It will happen when it's supposed to happen" um... based on what?! Based on all the relationships in existence currently occured at the most ideral appropriate time and the moste ideal approprate way? Because noone  has ever died alone and childless before who wanted a family? Yeah, that's what I thought. Sometimes it doesn't  happen. Sometimes you die  alone. Sometimes your reproductive organs age beyond the point of fertility. These things do  happen. Will it happen to me? Yet to be determined, but don't be an idiot. 
This is a complete shock in my mind because I've always been, up to a few years ago. very firmly of the school that I don't need a man, I don't want children, relationships are nice but not necissary, I'm independent and complete. 
It's a huge shift, in my actual feeling. There's not a lot changed about the rest of my personality which is problematic. It's problematic because when I say to someone that I am bummed because the guy I have been most interested in has moved out of state when I feel like my career is getting started, they all look at me confused. There's no other option in the other womens mind to just follow the man- go where he goes. What's complicated, Meg, just quit your job and move to Bumfuck, Indiana.
Nevermind that I've worked very hard to get to where I am. Nevermind that bailing on my career could cause irreprible career damage... 
I want to go visit him, I do, I miss him. But... if I go I will want to stay... I will picture all the ways I could make that my home... 
But will that be living my life or ... just following a man.... but what if just following a man is what will make me happiest... 
I suck at making the big  decisions.  

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Everythings better with Batman (16)
The Weekend was great. Kristina and I had a good conversation about our meeting and how we feel. We both declared freely, what we are doing wrong in life and how to become better, become more concious.
We had duty on the voluntary fire brigade and greased all hydrants before winter in our village. That was quite a shitty job but has to be done. Im proud of being there now, even though it's only since June. If i can help somebody at one day it will be worth all the work.
Our little one had his girlfriend over for a nitghtover (they are both 4) and we went to the cinema, watched the ne Paddington Movie and they had a little slumber party later on - Kristina and i were happy, when the two finally slept, but it was nice - also the breakfast was nice with two small kids.
We had snow on the weekend and i built a snowman with him and we had a snowballfight in that garden. I was kinda sad when he left with his pal from next door to go sled in their garden. But anyway im proud that he is getting older and turning out so well. As i was always on my own i obviously try to hatch on him and never let him alone, which isnt good either, but i can't help it. Im going to find the right dose for that in the future i hope.
I used the time to let Kristina her romantic movies on tv and i was working on my tractor in the barn. I need a special tool to disassemble the gearbox, so i have to be patient and wait for that bargain on ebay.
Later on in the evening, the little one came down after bedtime with the words 'Noone tells better Batman Stories then Dad' And he wanted me to cook a Batman Story for him. Yes, cook. Thing is: We have one of those cookie forms as a Batman Logo and i make him sandwiches in Batman shape, with a fried egg, some tomatoes or fruit and tell him a story whats this plate is about. He loves that and i like it too.
Today on work i feel lousy as usual, i don't have the right power and swing to be effective. Due to i'm in a leading position, i only have to delegate and thats not really satisfiying for me. I need something tangible on work. We will see how that goes in a few weeks. Even though i earn quite good, we still have money issues and usually on the 6th or 7tzh of the month, there is no more money on a + state on our account. This is eating me up, but it works somehow so i dont change it. Kristina is doing most of the money stuff and i let her because i dont want to have fights about this. Sounds stupid and yes: it is.
Out eledest son just got his drivers license and you can see him grow up day by day. He is now (17) a puberty volcano and his hobbies are gym and chilling... thats really not my thing but i try and let him do what he likes to. I kick his ass sometime when hes not doing his chores, but i think thats normal in that age. He is a bit late with rebelling, i did that with 14, but those were other times and other parents. Anyway: i think he lives good and will make his way.
In the last weeks i learned to love Kristina again more and more. I don't understand, how i could be so dumb and selfish and just cock-driven half a year ago. I guess it was that 'this year you are turning 40' thing which is totally silly and stereotype but happened to me. Oh my. I was a dumbass.
I googled AlAnon today and found out, what they are doing and that there is a meeting here in the town, were i was born. I think this fits and is a happy coincidence. I plan on participating a meeting and find out if it helps me dealing with my parents and my childhood/teenager years. This idea i took out of sitd - thanks to 'ilickdoorknobs'.

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LifeLines (17)
We've had our third meeting at the marriage counselling yesterday and it was good. First time she didn't blame it all on me and i was happy that she admitted, that she never had any family idols to have learned how a 'proper' family works. She was left quite early by her dad's death and her mother, which couldnt handle being alone without a husband. Later on she was left pregnant by the father of our biggest son and she totally lost trust in men. Well, good anyway, that i was stubborn enough to stay. So actually my 'Plan' or intention of saving her worked out - even though that sounds cocky.
She saved me aswell, i'm since i was a kid i was used to be on my own, solve my problems alone, decide by my own and i needed a longtime to realise, that family is not only a one man show. I had to swallow my pride and after 10 years (!!!!) im starting now to learn and becoming better in being human and husband.
Next thing i need to archive is finally getting rid of the cigarettes. I really need to get rid of that addiction. Im smoking now since 27 Years and its destryoing me, i know that. But im mentally not strong enough yet to let that demon go. I think im reading that book again about quitting - that helped me once and i think i can manage it a second time - for ever now.
I see lately more entries and activities here and that encourages me to come back more often. And as Wednesday wrote i can also write positive things - this doesnt have to be my rubbish bin of thoughts i can be my document of joy in life aswell.
It's kinda like 10 Years ago, that you can participate on someone elses life and maybe help them. I like that. I always did.

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2/ Focus (75)
Sometimes I just cant do anything. 
 
Literally. Anything.
 
My brain will not function. I'm lucky I'm able to type right now. I just dont understand how sometimes I am so good at things and sometimes its like I'm just a shell. Sometimes I'm so capable of things some people would be jealous of. And sometimes.. I cant even remember basic common sense.
 
I got upset with my friend last night. Idont know why when people say crappy things they try to cover it up with "I meant blah blah blah". Like I'm not aware that they arent perfect and that people dont say stupid things or even believe stupid thigns sometimes. Just own it. I get not wanting to offend me, but you did. And it was equivalent to saying "That's retarded" To a mentally challenged person. Basically blaming the reason he couldnt think and was basically calling himself stupid not by saying he is stupid but that he has autism. And this isnt the first time he's used this phrase of his to relay how stupid he is. I said.. "dude. You have said that before and its like you forget who you are talking to." And he says to me "You dont have autism. of this I'm sure". First of all, I do in fact have autism. However high functioning it may be. And that is a fact I didnt just pull out of my ass but was finally "given" to me by a qualified psychologist and psychiatrist and confirmed by multiple medical professionals since. "given".. like I didnt have it up until then. It finally explained a lot of things and I wasnt happy to have it.. but I wasnt unhappy either. I was happy to have a reason for all my unanswerable questions. And at this point in my life, I dont think of autism as a curse. It made me who I am and I like who I am.Most of the time. And I have overcome A LOT. And obviously I wish I could overcome the rest but I'm working on it. And I dont know. His whole "I meant..." explaination just made it worse. Because it was like "well i just meant that you are a very smart person blah blah blah" Being smart has nothing to do with it. And really, I'm not very smart. I have to work for what I got but there are a lot of naturally intelligent and talented people on the spectrum that are more "afflicated" than I am. Even someone who is that ridiculous steroptypical image of autism, that people love to assign to every sinfgle person on the spectrum, could be a freaking genius. Whether they are sitting around not able to talk, shitting their pants, chewing their hair.. whatever ridicilous idea you have about autism.. doesnt mean you know whats going on in their head. It has nothing to do with how intelligent you are. Or if you're verbal or not. It just made me so angry. Because there technically is no such thing as aspergers anymore. Its all considered part of the autism spectrum.
 
I just really hate when people say bs like "But youre so normal" and "But my cousins sisters ex roommates nephews etc etc etc has autism and you're nothing like him" etc etc . I dont even feel like explaining how ridiculous these statements are. People dont even get how in a single sentence they can discredit a persons whole existence. Fortunately Im in a good place right now and these thigns dont affect me quite as much as they used to. Not enough to stew on it all day for weeks and weeks. months. years. I guess thats what writing is for. And autism isnt who i am, but it made me who I am. Like a lot of things but it has affected me in every way since I was born. Its like going up to a person in a wheelchair and saying "You arent handicapped. i know you can walk". "Oh i didnt mean to offend you... i just meant you are such a smart person that Im sure if you tried hard enough you could just like.. make your legs work. Fuck doctors. Just try harder. be better. You're so capable of other things so its crazy you arent capable of walking. its so basic. What are you stupid?" That's exactly what its like.
 
Anyways. 
 
So I was already having a hard time focusing on anything and getting my brain to work and then that conversation happened. And at the end I'm the one who ends up feeling bad. You know the whole fight or flight response. pretty much bullshit. Why am I so "normal"? Because I looked at my character defects and try by best (i suck sometimes but i think I am pretty good) to work around them and blend into society at least in terms of what is socially acceptable behavior. And this whole "Oh I offended you? ok bye" shit is just SHIT. I used to blame my mother for it but now I credit her for my ability to confront my emotions and others. She took it overboard (ok lets face it, at times she was/is just bat shit crazy.. but she's getting better) but without that I might be as f*cked up in that area as everyone else. Just abandoning people and converations when I'M the one in the wrong or made the mistake. and everyone does it lately. and i'm getting really sick of it. I'm just glad I have been going to meetings.. because I dont know how i would be handling things and especially people lately. 
 
So I ended up feeling really misunderstood. I made a friend a few months ago who has aspergers. I stopped talking to him because I didnt want to make more male friends in addition to the ones I already have. I'm not going to fire any of my preexisting friends just because theyre dudes but I really want more women friends. Alanon is somewhat helping with that. But I made an exception with him because he has aspergers and can relate to me in a lot of ways no one else can. So it was nice catching up. Right now we are staying at a friend of max's because well. long story. But its aspie hell. I can talk about that sort of thing without feeling high maintenance or like I'm just a complainer. I dont want everything to affect me like it does. I cant do anything about it.
 
alanon is helping me understand that I am who I am and I dont need to apologize for it.
 
I have a lot of studying to do. But I cant absorb anything right now. Idk how to fix it. Its been like this for weeks. and especially the last couple days. 
 
Max and I are all over the place. I feel like the more I try the less he does. Sometimes it makes me want to stop trying. Its not fair to say he isnt trying. But he just plays games on his phone all day when he could be looking for a place to live or a job. He keeps saying he will get a job this week. He said that lasrt week. And he says for me to just focus on school. But nothing is getting done and I dont want to be at his friends house anymore. its only been a few days and its really hard. So I have been looking for jobs and a place to live. Everything kleeps falling on me. People keep saying to focus on me and take care of me. But those are things I need too. So I cant depend on him to do them. ANd i have to do it all. And its so stressful. But telling him that makes him feel like I am blaming him or attacking him. the other day i just said i need help and that i am feeling really overwhelmed, this was weeks ago and it started a huge fight because he took it as an attack. I dont know how to say anything. Things have been a little better lately so I dont know how the same conversation would go now.
 
 
 

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1433 (57)
Thanksgiving was brief, but good. Black Friday shopping, napping and church, it was all great! 
Until I got food poisioning that night I went home.  
Lack of sleep that night, going to work that day, puking twice at work, and missing the Polar Express Train ride I paid lots of money to go do with family.  I knew it was only a 24 hr thing, but that was the 24 hrs I wanted to actually participate in life.  The rest of the week I can totally check out.  But noooo... It's never convenient like that. 
I thought I was gonna die.  Okay, I didn't.  But it felt like it at times.  And I did find it refreshing to experience a different kind of sickness/pain.  I'm so used to sinus infections and I know I can't last long with those without screaming and gnashing of teeth.  But this was different... and not as long lasting.  I found myself grateful this pain didn't effect my nose and head this time. 
But I hate puking.  I can tell you the exact year and month of the last few times I've thrown up.  I remember it all.  What I really can't handle is the nausea which tends to accompany flu and food poisoning situations, but puking is a close second.  
My roommate always has a hissy fit when I tell her I was sick and went to work.  She uses any excuse she can to get out of doing, well anything really, sickness being one of the few legit excuses to use.  She doesn't understand why I don't use excuses to get out of duties and obligations.  *shrug* Besides the fact I was raised in a family of hard work. ("The cows and horses don't care if you are sick") it kind of felt better when I puked afterward. Just be doing the same thing at home as I was in the office.  Maybe at the office I might get something done in between. And I did skip the train ride I really wanted to go to.
Besides if I'm really sick I sleep and sleep and sleep.  She sits on the couch and watches TV like usual, so you can never really tell if she's sick or not.  But going home to sleep when your stomach is indecisive on when it wants to eject stuff has never really turned out well for me. 
Still afraid of food... but that's okay. Stomach still a little sensitive.  I'll only eat what I'm willing to throw up, which isn't much. Maybe I'll get a little skinnier.  Maybe I can keep my stomach/appetite smaller, healthier. One step at a time.  I've graduated to bread now. woohoo.  Actually, my body hurts all over.  It's amazing the muscles it takes when you are wretching.  Muscles you never knew you had/needed to pay homeage to the porcelain god.  Scared to take any pain killer tho. 
Just a small blip in the grand scheme of things.  Life temporary on hold for 24 hrs.  No big deal.  Time to move on. 
Well, I survived! 
Just had to hold on. 
 
"The message of this moment is so clear
And as certain as the rising of the sun
When your world is filled with darkness, doubt or fear
Just hold on, hold on
The light will come
 
Everyone who’s ever tried and failed
Stands much taller when the victory’s won
And those who’ve been in darkness for awhile
Kneel much longer when
The light has come
 
It’s a message everyone of us must learn
That the answers never come without a fight
And when it seems you’ve struggled far too long
Just hold on, hold on 
There will be light

Hold on, hold on, the light will come
Hold on, hold on, the light will come
 
If you feel trapped inside a never ending night
If you’ve forgotten how it feels to feel the light
If you’re half crazy thinking you’re the only one
Who’s afraid the light will never really come
Just hold on, hold on the light will come
 
The message of this moment is so clear
And as certain as the rising of the sun
When your world is filled with darkness, doubt or fear
Just hold on, hold on the light will come"
 
-Michael McLean : "Hold On, The Light will Come" 
 
Going to see The Forgotten Carols this Saturday starring Michael McLean.  Juss revisiting my favorite song of his.
I totally want to spend my holiday bonus on season tickets to the theatre for next year!  I won't spend that much money to get a gym membership even tho I've been going for like two plus years, but for the theatre, sure!  Merry Christmas to me! 
 

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Untitled (50)
What if he was my person?
He left. He moved. Before we got "attacted". 
We were attached but it was too soon to say it. 
Now he says how he misses me and wishes I'd visit. 
My heart jumped into my throat as he said...
"I should have brought you with me" 

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Greased Monkey (40)
So i started disassembling my tractor and started with the engine. I totally have no clue how to do that, im an IT-Admin by profession, so ich just do ist step be step and i think i can manage it. My little one loves the tractor so he stood totally frowning in front of the disassembled carcass. I promised him i will repair it and then we paint it fresh and everything :) That Promise i have to keep and i will.

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1/ Recovery (44)
I decided to write in here again.
 
I used to write all the time. Maybe not every day. But regularly. I used to do a lot of things I dont do anymore.
 
That's all about to change.
 
My life. Has been. Insane. For better, for worse, mostly for worse but I'm in a place in my life right now that I havent been in in a very long time and thats being able to REALLY see the good in even the most horrible situations. And I think I am here, in this state (of mind), for a reason. As well as being in this state.. of wisconsin.. for a reason. 
 
Years ago if someone had told me I would VISIT wisconsin, let alone live here indefinitely, I would have laughed and laughed... now here I am 2 plus years later. I met Max what seems like a lifetime ago. But it wasn't. Its been less than 3 years. But in that time we've been through so much. In our own lives and together.. and its been so... well its hard to explain in 1 entry. and its hard to explain mostly because although I know God has his hand on my life right now.. I'm not sure what that means. What he is trying to do. I already know he's a part of this. I dnt need to wonder. And I dont care if anyone does or doesnt believe that or in God etc themselves.. I can tell you this much... I'm not afraid of my faith anymore. So to those who dont like honesty or have a weak stomach for God talk, you can probably stop reading now or get yourself a barf bag. I dont like talking about God because it generally made me uncomfortable in the past just because my mother was so in mine and everyone elses face about religion growing up. But Iwas never like that. But this is a safe place to be open about that stuff. 
 
Because of the events of the last couple years, because of my current relationship, and because of experiences of my past that I had no idea affected me in the ways that they did until recently, I have recently been going to al-anon meetings. And its been amazing. There is a force in those rooms that cannot be explained. Its not just God. Its not just a common bond. Its a fusion of those and so many other things. And it has been making a difference. 
 
Not just in my dealings with my current relationship like I expected. But in every area of my life. But I digress. This isn't a public service announcement for a program. But things have been hard. But I'm becoming who I am again and just who I am period. I was looking for help with specific thigns in my life. Help for aspergers. Help with schoool. Help in general. It all started in those rooms.
 
I wish I had known what a difference this program would have in my life years ago. Maybe it would have saved my marriage. But, as I was talking to my aunt a couple nights ago, its okay that my marriage ended. I couldnt say this and mean it a year ago.. but I am grateful that Tim is happy where he is in life. He was such a huge part of my life for so long and no matter what we went through or will still face in the coming months with this appeal, he was my best friend and a genuine person and I know more than almost anyone on this earth how much he deserves to be happy. And for whatever reason ayear ago, whetehr it was jealousy, or still having residual feelings, or even that unbelievably selfish thought of "he shouldnt be happy until/unless I am happy", I could say I am happy for him but I couldnt believe it. And I couldnt admit it. But without even realizing it, I am able to think of him and his new family and smile and truly believe evwerything happens for a reason. If i think of me back then like I often do with people, put myself as I was then back into the situation and have those same feelings, and focus on those feelings. and obsess about those feelings. i can take the person i was and see that that isnt who i am now. So even though I can feel everything old me would feel, i dont have to feel it as new me. If that makes sense. Imean.. because it is sad. and its ok to recognize that. Its ok that the 28 year old me wanted a family with someone so badly and we never had the chance for so many unfair reasons. It is sad. But i am not sad for where I am today. I have grown and learned so much. I'm so incredibly far from perfect and im far from a finished product but I'm so much better than I was. And I think it has to do with what Ive gone through with max and divorce and greiving old plans and ideas of how things should be. 
 
I think God tried to tell me over and over in so many ways that making plans is good, but dont set them in stone. dont think i have so much power over plans and my life. Work towards something, but. that I have no real say in it all. The darker it is, the easier it is to see the stars.
 
Okay okay... Anyways...
 
Max has been sober now since April 1st. Yeah, I hate this sobriety date. "April Fools". Probably the scairest sobriety date someone can actually have lol. Anyways.. 2 days until 8 months! 9 months on new years :) Which is a pretty cool 9 month mark.
 
Things havent been butterflies and roses just because he's been sober though. Its been EXTREMELY hard. Sometimes it seems like its worse than when he was using. But. There's progress. We love each other. And all you can do is try. 
 
I know a lot of people might hear our story and think i am a moron for bieng with him. But I dont think I'm being stupid or careless. I think the love I've shown him.. and not all the time - I'm not perfect and I make so many mistakes, especially in this because its all so new for me but.. I think the grace and love I've had at times has made a difference. I'm not the reason he is sober. But I do believe I played a part in it. And that matters to me. His life matters to me no matter what happens to us. 
 
I'm going back to school. I feel like such a loser at 31 and still not having a degree but better late than never I suppose. this is my 4th semester and its not going great. the first 3 were good. i did well in all my classes. But this semester. I've had so much to deal with. Kodi. However wonderful he is, it has been hard. Kodi is my samoyed puppy. He's not a puppy anymore. well, he will be 1 year old on December 8th :) He is so big now. I miss when he was small enough I could pick him up. I miss picking him up like a baby. My little polar bear baby :( But as hard as he can be to handle sometomes with everything going on, its also better to have him... people sometimes ask me if i ever think of getting rid of him. There have been days the lasrt few months that he is my saving grace. That he was the only reason I woke up and got out of bed that day. And he is the reason my sleeping schedule remains consistent and normal. He wakes me up without fail every day at 6 - 7 am ... actually lately he's let us sleep in. but he gets me up, he gets me out by NEEDING to go to the dog park. if he doesnt get to the dog park at least once a day he is a giant ball of energy the rest of the day. It gives me exercise and times to clear my head which wouldnt happen otherwise and I would just sit and stare at my schoolwork, overwhelmed and unproductive. He is so much more than a dog. And when I have meltdowns, especially the times, and theres been more than I'd like to admit the last few months.. when max has decided to break up with me.. and im alone and cannot handle it.. he's there. sitting by me. loving me. licking my tears. smiling at me. lol. my smiley dog. I couldnt have picked a better dog. samoyeds ALWAYS look happy to see you. Always.
 
Well, there's so much more but I think that's good for now. I have so freaking much to do. Homework and I wanted to read tonight from the blue book. i also need to look for a place to live because right now we are staying at a friend of maxs.  Too much to explain in an entry and I probably wont get into it anyways but its just been a crazy month. HOpefully as we do what we need to, things will continue to settle down. They already have.
 
We had a good day today. When I love myself, its easier for others to love me also. When I dont let my fears overpower my thoughts, its easier to see the whole picture and live in the moment. When I live in the moment, I find more peace in myself and apprecaition in him. This week I've seen myself clearer, and its scary and hard. And I've also seen him clearer.. and can be more understanding.
 
 
 
 

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40 (39)
20 years ago i never thought i'd reach this day alive: i turned 40!
 
Thank you Mum :)

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Dear Gary Fan 336 (46)
Oh dear Lord. How much has changed. My love and I have been together for over two years now. We've moved in together and actually made our first adult buy yesterday. Hes the sweetest man in the world. He still has his struggles but he goes above and beyond when he knows I'm not at my best. I really don't know where Id be with out this man in my life. I doubt I would have pursued my doctoral degree with out him.. He has so much faith in me, sometimes i just feel like i don't deserve that man's love.. Anywho - life is amazing, it has its ups and downs but there less daunting when I have him by my side. 

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Yep (62)
German music got better the last years:
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DraA3PUuoQc

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Hello Weenie! (52)
Halloween isn't THAT thing here in Germany but it crawls upon all of us the last 20 Years or so.
My little one went out the first time trick and treatin' this year and he wanted to be a mummy :D
I need new first aid kits for both cars now.
We sat long in the backyard around the fire had beer and eggnog, ordered a pizza and listened to Bob Marley. Some neighbours came over, some not. Whatever, it was a great evening.
 

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1429 (111)
Floo powder, Mudbloods, Mandrakes, Whomping Willow, flying cars, Gringotts, goblins, dragons, Scabbers, prefect, Bloody Baron, Peeves, Dark Arts, Chocolate Frogs, Diagon Alley, Muggles, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, Leaky Cauldron, Pumpkin Pasties, Cauldron Cakes, Licorice Wands, Daily Prophet, Sickles and Knuts, Dursleys, Black Forest, Nimbus Two Thousand, Flourish and Blotts, Hedwig, Ministry of Magic, Dumbledore, Sorting Hat, Quidditch, Kings Cross, Platform 9 and 3/4, Nearly Headless Nick, Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington, Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Hogwarts, Voldemort, Moaning Myrtle, Weasleys, Harry Potter!
Oh how I've missed these words and have forgotten how happy they make me when I read them again. 
 

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1427 (63)
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, buttercup,
But my rights don't end where your feelings begin." 
 
 

"If you want to love me, 
You better be a storm chaser." 
-Stephanie Bennett-Henry
 

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1426 (51)
A day for me.  A cheap date for myself.
Made chili when I got home.  mmm
I skipped Ward Visits last night.
I refused any responsibility that night. 
I spent $1.23 on a movie instead.  I wanted to laugh.
Logan Lucky.   Made me laugh.   Reminded me of my brothers.
Bought an ICEE for $1.69 at the gas station and got my own popcorn at home.
Came home and watched Cloverfield.  A movie where everyone dies! 
I want to watch scary/halloween movies from now until Halloween. 
Already watched Corpse Bride. 
Hocus Pocus, Nightmare Before Christmas, What Lies Beneath, Cloverfield, Edward Scissorhands, Gremlins, Jaws, Jurassic Park, 1408, Priest, (the ones I own) etc. 
Need more Channing Tatum tho after Logan Lucky.  Jupiter Ascending. 
I think I own Dear John maybe it might be that one.  
Had the sudden urge to watch Juno again too. 
I took pictures of myself laying in a grassy spot full of leaves.  I love leaves! 
I had my roommate take some pictures too.  I cropped, framed, and colored them to make them look better.  And then figured out how to post them on Facebook.  Yay.   I quite like them. 
The last "professional" pictures I took was last year this month.  It seems I am okay taking pics of me to post to the world once a year, always in October. 
My favorite month!  Pumpkin everything!  And endless shrimp at Red Lobster with me Mum around her bday! 
I'm feeling impulsive!  Oohh Amazon! This is not going to be good...  The period must be coming. 
 

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Autumn (73)
Well, it seems that autumn works on mostly everything. The anger, the arguments and the hate has died. My need for a diary vanished again and i'm not feeling so pissed off all the time. Thanks autumn, for killing the negativity (is that even a word).
 

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Good old days (71)
It’s like it never happened 

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1425 (49)
 
"Eventually you will end up where you need to be
With who you're meant to be with
And doing what you should be doing." 
 
"If you have a bad thought about yourself
Tell it to go to hell
Because that is exactly where it came from"
-Brigham Young
 
"You're gonna meet one great girl in this life.
And from the moment you meet her, you'll know she's trouble.
She's gonna be weird. She's gonna have attitude.
She's gonna make you do things you haven't done.
She'll make you see things, she'll make you feel."
 
 

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Untitled (140)
I feel like I have to pee, but through my eyes

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The one that got away (155)
We would have been there.
I know you have seen everything.
Just come back.
I feel like it is no coincidence I check back the same day you did.
I need you to know I am here no matter what. 
 

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[139] Shadows Still Remain (137)
It's been awhile since I've made an entry. I don't know what to say other than it sucks but it's hard to remember to update here when I have so many things going on in real life all the time.
I'm in my second semester of college and it's been pretty good so far. The work is pretty daunting but I'm fighting to keep my perfect GPA.
 
As of yesterday I've moved into what I hope is my permanent living situation - for at least a few years, anyway. I haven't been in a house in a while so it's nice to not be in an apartment anymore. I can blast my music again. Which is really good.
I've been working hard on my projects and trying to get them to completion. I am hoping to finish with them by December. Which means a shit ton of baking, two books out, and my TCG ready to be Kickstartered.
I've also started talking to a few people from the SC again. It's been really great and I'm glad we're able to talk and let go of the previous BS drama. Probably helps that I've matured and I'm sure they have also. But it's nice.
I've been fighting again to get my anxiety in order...which always happens this time of year. You'd think I'd be used to it by now but it just sucks. I wonder if I'll ever be fully rid of it. Probably not, but I gotta have hope. And I refuse to let it stand in my way.
 
I'm going to do great things.

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1422 (107)
Accomplishment today :  Parking the truck on first attempt (far away from other cars, of course) AND backing out of my stall and driving away on the first try (without a three point turn to avoid hitting the neighbors car). 
yay!  It only took til day four to do these things....
Borrowed my sisters truck to get a new couch.  Traded my little tiny car for the truck. 
With her husband gone to Japan it all seemed to work out, me coming to get the truck, she driving me to it, me driving it back, people buying things from her storage unit that day in droves, her sudden idea of emptying out her storage unit with the rest of the cabinets the last day of the month so she wouldn't have to pay another month,  me being there so she has a truck and a driver to help transport, us taking both vehicles and filling them up to reduce trips to storage unit, and the two of us and her son being able to manhandle all the stuff from storage, to truck to garage in the dark and in the rain.  Yaay.  Accomplishments. 
Then I got a new couch on Tues.  Yay. 
Now I just need to get rid of the old couch.  More accomplishments!
 

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Trial & Error (14)
I felt it was about time for an update to my most beloved little online ghost town. A real update.
 
 
Well. So much has happened.
 
I got divorced. That's been interesting. Probably mentioned that a while ago but thats where it all started. Even now, its just strange to think of myself as a divorced person. I had no idea what I would be getting myself into when I woke up that morning and told Tim i needed to talk. Sometimes I wonder how things might have been different now if I had kept my thougths to myself until I figured them out completely. And didnt act on them or worry about them until I fixed myself. Who knows. I know this.. no matter what happens or what is going to happen now.. I dont regret getting married or divorced. 
 
I met max. And I'll be honest about it, for most people this relationship is not for them. its not for the faint of heart. That said.. I'm sort of faint of heart. He's an addict. And we've spent a lot of time getting over hurt and lies told in the beginning of our relationship. But as of yesterday he is now 6 months sober of everything. when i first found out i just wanted him to be done with his drug of choice. i didnt care about weed or drinking. i mean i prefered none of it but i was just desparate for him to want to quit that 1 thing. and there was a lot of trying. and trial and error. but he let me take him to treatment 6 months ago. inpatient. and its not a cureall and it doesnt make life magically amazing. but 
 
 

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apples (109)
Everything's good. Mostly.

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1418 (76)
 
This will be the generation, the time for a new one to go down in the history books,
where a war will be started by a tweet from the President. 
Our forefathers are probably turning in their graves, appalled. 
 
 

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1417 (87)
Happy Birthday my Maylee baby! 
5 yrs old!  Yer tall enough you don't look 5 tho. 
Just missed the kindergarten cut off, have to wait until next year.
Bummer, you can't go to kindergarten with your cousin Gunner.
But you can go to kindergarten with the twins next year. 
I got you a white Build-A-Bear you can dress up.  It came with the disney pink dress, big girl underwear with Minnie Mouse on it and the Minnie Mouse ears with veil.  I also bought a Happy Birthday cupcake for the bear to hold when you opened the present too. 
I gave you some money and you went and picked out some skates and a helmet for the bear today on your birthday.   Hopefully you got to go mini golfing with your grandparents and a few cousins to celebrate today. 
I was thinking about my Aunt Patsy and how much she has influenced me in my life choices and how much I want her to be involved in my future choices.  I hope I can influence you my dear Maylee, even if in just a tiny way, like Patsy did for me. 
 
"Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved." 
-Thomas Monson : Finding Joy in the Journey 
 
 

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1416 (106)
Last week every time the boss called my name, it was usually followed by some cursing...
I though it slightly odd.  I finally figured out why. 
He called my name and I was close enough one time I heard his cell phone chime right afterward and Siri talk to him, followed by his cursing and fumbling with his phone. 
Apparently my name, starting with an "S" always triggers Siri on his phone when he talks to me. 
Slightly hilarious. 
 
"Life's too short, babe
Time is flyin'
I'm looking for baggage
to go with mine"
-Rent

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Headache (80)
Grinding my Jaw again a lot since a week or so my head is detonation everything few seconds.
Hope that there not to many victims of Irma.
-be well

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1414 (81)
 
OneRepublic concert with Maddy last night!
Maddy's first concert.  
I'm not sure what you call those concerts that are tame and polite with no questionable folks, no police standing by, sitting in an auditorium, sitting in assigned seats, clapping at the right moments, entering and exiting punctually, silently listening to the music and/or the lyrics. 
But this was her first concert where no one came on time, lots of beer, police everywhere, everyone on a lawn outside standing, rocking out or dancing and most singing along at the top of their lungs. 
 
"Yes I'm neurotic, I'm obsessed and I know it
Can't take vacations in the brain
Or believe me, I'd be on one
Hawaii under warm sun
Yeah,yeah
 
Think I lost my mind
But don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I'll be better
In the morning I'll be better
 
I swear I'm not insane
Yes, most likely not insane
Everybody goes through moments of losing their clarity
At least I'm never boring
But I've been losing sleep so call the doctor, said to take one of these
And call me in the morning.
 
Think I lost my mind
But don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I'll be better
In the morning I'll be better"
 
"So here's the question asked
Of all the things you love, the people, places from the future and the ancient past 
Of every one of those, which one will cause you to let it go, let it go
Need to crash" 
 
-OneRepublic : Better

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eightofnine (93)
Darn, another Post not visible anymore :) A pity. I liked them and sometimes i re-read due to language issues.

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time (66)
there was a time when i was counted, i was visible and all that surrounded me was as it was. now i sit in this golden cage. no trouble of any kind. my name is clear. even the poorest aren't labeled "clandestine". my question is what else? how else? i gave up my tongue to assimilate. i sacrificed community. my roots. what else. what else is needed. how much more is needed? everything that i have, all that i have accomplished has been done with the help from people that care. there has been no aid from the government or state. what else. what else. what else.
rhetorical questions. all of them. i know the answers. the world owes me nothing. i owe the government and state nothing. those that have stepped in to lessen the burden are all blood. even within them there's disorder. 
another lifetime of limbo.
it really fucks with my paradigm. this "other" label. being on the outside. hiding. the secrets. fear of being followed, watched, discovered.
 

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Soup (73)
Woot! i started a new online Journal today on a german site which still has a community.
Actually i'm not sure if i need a new community, niether will i give a fuck if it happens to be no member of it - as long as i can write in german sometimes.
I'll never be untrue to you dear sitd, i promise.
Gonna start sorting that alphabet soup today.

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Backflip (69)
After i was totally apathic, on drugs, isolated and far from social competence i finally made a therapy when i was 18. The Therapy helped me over the 5 years i went through it and i finally started living....somehow.
Today i startet my second appointment on my new therapy - which i initially did for my wife, to reflect my behavior. It's the same therapist, so the opening is quite easy, she already knows my past and i think i can start now on working out to be a kid of alcoholics. With all the side effects that comes with that when you grow up in such an environment. I lie and its normal for me, i keep troubles inhouse and never let the curtain fall in public for problems which are haunting at home. I seem to get it.
Maybe it's that im not able to have a relationship due to this. Maybe i can fix myself. Whatever.
I don't do this for me, not for my wife either, but for my kids - they shall not live emotionally disguised.
There is one Picture i always loved from the catholics: the Pelican which feeds its breed with is own flesh. I always liked that and tried to sacrifice myself for others: my friends, my wife, my kids. Latter are the most important in this metaphore.  I don't know if i re-invent myself and probably it was all true, what i thought i'd be when i was younger. Maybe it's just that the role i'm playing since i was a kid implements to have a happy life, be a working man and have a house, family, car, tractor, barn and all that shit. It's all not important, for when i die i just want to leave my kids back as proper human beings, with their heads up high. My Dad always fed his own flesh to him.
I remember when i was a kid, i used to be at my Grandma's place every holidays, i stayed there then for 3 weeks or more, i loved her and she loved me. I always wondered, why she wasn't drinking, why there wasnt any beer or booze in the cellar or the fridge. No wine in the afternoon or empty booze flasks everywhere stashed in the barn as it was at my parents place. She told me once as i asked her:'because it's not necessary, i don't drink that stuff'. I didn't understand that. I just couldnt, because it was normal to me to have this around.
I always thought: grown ups just always drink that stuff, like i drink water or lemonade.
My Dad is now dead since 10 Years and i sometimes still find empty flasks at my mum's place, which were stashed by him. Then i sigh. I don't think often of him, but i always remember him, when i see an empty bottle of booze laying aomewhere. He decided for that, took my mum with into that, hell yes, she is still dying slowly through her throat, not able quit drinking - BECAUSE IT's NORMAL FOR HER.
Thing which hurts the most is, that in fact my childhood disappears and comes up as a cheat.
My Wife uses this often against me. When we're arguing the sentence 'i know where you come from' mostly silences me and throws me in a hole - just shortly i fall and feel my stomach turn - then i grab my dad while i fall and hold on his positive abilities and the hole is spitting me out again. I cannot fall through to the bottom and have a hard landing, because i dont want my good memories to be smashed in the dark and let them be shattered like eggshell - don't want to loose my heart. Fact seems to be: i have to realise what happened and accept that without having the fear to destroy my memories. I don't know if you know what i mean, do you?

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Campfire Communications (79)
I made a campfire in our garden yesterday and we sat and talked. Everytime i try to explain my feelings she doesn't understand. Apperently i dont understand hers neither. I don't know what will come out of this. At least we talked. Sex this morning was routine. Im close to the point to realise for myself that we're not loving each other anymore. This is quite hard and i feel like i totally messed it up - mostly for my young son. I cannot stand the thought only to see him some times a week, neither can i go work less and take him to me. If i leave i leave a family and not a woman. This is always displayed as something with a happy end in some hollywood flick, but it isn't. I carry more on my shoulders, then i can bare - since years only to make it right for the kids. I think im gonna chose this if she agrees, to carry on. I only need stamina for the kids - nothing else. I feel numb with her, i walk around, drive around looking for a shelter in strangers eyes and i dont think this is how it's supposed to be an a good relationship. Im not sure what is going on. But i like the songwriters lately - i can reflect myself, but not the way she want's me to. Since my teenager days it always was the same: when i was depressed or just lonely i wrote. I cannot mention often enough how happy i am to have this diary still.

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Idle (74)
I'm idling here now since more then a week daily during my officetimes. There is noone coming online.
I wonder who theses 20+ Guests are, always displayed on the front page. I read a lot of old diaries of people i used to write with here and also a ton of 'new' old diaries. I guess i fell in love with this place again. At the moment, this is my asylum.
 

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the turn (65)
I still remember the music. I remember a few words that were exchanged, the night. why today? why? At least this time my knees didn't give in. What could I do? I saw you turn, I turned away. It was a mixture of fear and repulsion. Curiosity brought my gaze back. It was you. why were you still here? i'm so glad everything's online. It was too much. fuck.

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Fallin into pieces (86)
In letzter Zeit sehe ich die Sachen abgeklärter und bin gefasster auf das, was kommen könnte.
Allein der Gedanke, das ich Justus nicht täglich in meinem Leben haben könnte schmerzt so sehr, das ich bereit bin alles auf mich zu nehmen, um die Ehe zu retten. Ob ich hierbei glücklich werde weiss ich nicht. Vielleicht ist es auch gar nicht so tragisch, sich zu trennen. Das wird meine Leidensfähigkeit zeigen und vielleicht ziehe ich tatsächlich eines Tages noch mal in mein Elternhaus.
Der Besuch bei Frank's Eltern, knapp 4 Wochen nach seinem Tod hat mich sehr mitgenommen, seine Wohnung, seine Sammlungen von Dingen, die er als wichtig empfand bedeutet für die Hinterbliebenen bloss Arbeit und Trauer, die wenigsten Dinge werden bestehen bleiben, aber zerstreut in alle Windrichtungen, sein Garten, ein detailliert verliebtes Lebenswerk ist bereits verwildert, die Pflanzen bäumen sich schreiend in die Höhe um nach ihm zu greifen.  Dramataisch, aber so schien es mir gerade.
Da eine Menge Drogen in seinem Leben vorkamen, haben einige alte 'Freunde' den Gedenkzustand von Facebook zu schnell wie möglich veranlasst. Schade für die Eltern und schade für all diejenigen, die nun gegebenfalls Ihrer gerechten Strafe entgehen. Durch diesen Fakt ist für mich letztendlich das Thema der alten Kumpel komplett erledigt. Ich denke, es besteht eine Schuld, die nicht beglichen werden wird. Und das hat Frank nicht verdient, auch wenn er sich sein Schicksal selbst gewählt hat.
Mein Schicksal wird mich auch treffen, ich werde unter der Wahrheit leiden und allerhöchstens lernen ob es das alles wert war.
 

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Frank's Good Bye (84)
We Deceided to play Frank one of his favorites on his funeral.
I knew that he loved it and i promised him long time ago to manage it.
Feast of friends, fare the well my friends.
Feast of friends, Jim Morrison
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow, I'm sick of doubt
Live in the light of certain
South Cruel bindings
The servants have the power
Dog-men and their mean women
Pulling poor blankets over
Our sailors I'm sick of dour faces
Staring at me from the TV
Towers, I want roses in
My garden bower; dig?
Royal babies, rubies
Must now replace aborted
Strangers in the mud
These mutants, blood-meal
For the plant that's plowed They are waiting to take us into
The severed garden
Do you know how pale and wanton thrillful
Comes death on a strange hour
Unannounced, unplanned for
Like a scaring over-friendly guest you've
Brought to bed
Death makes angels of us all
And gives us wings
Where we had shoulders
Smooth as raven's
Claws
No more money, no more fancy dress
This other kingdom seems by far the best
Until it's other jaw reveals incest
And loose obedience to a vegetable law
I will not go
Prefer a Feast of Friends
To the Giant Family
 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------

We miss you, all of us.

love you.

 

 

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Everythings done so far. (80)
Summer Holidays are over and now everything's a desaster. My wife and me organized a Holiday Camp for kids and teens in the last week of summer vacation. We got into a big fight and now it seems all broken -again-.
If it wasnt for the kids, id leave her, its eating my energy and happiness, to always argue and get blamed for everything.
This and that mixed up with old stories. It all makes me sick. But i cannot leave the boys. the little one is too young to be alone and the big one shall be on his own feet first.
Due to it's always my fault, whatever happened, i agreed to marriage counselling and aswell i'll do a therapy to clear my issues. On the one hand i think it will help me on the other hand i think it will not help my marriage.
Best thing would be: grab the kids and live with them alone and my wife goes into an ash ram or something.
im growing old lately. i feel old and i will never be as free as i wanted to be. But thats ok.

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[138] Let Our Hearts Bleed (174)
Hello Diary.
I haven't written in quite a while! I know, I'm guilty. Sue me. Okay please not really...I'm sorry ;_;
I've been very busy. For starters, as I said before, I got my GED and I have started my first semester of college. It hasn't been too difficult but it hasn't been easy either. It's been interesting.
I also went to my bi-yearly vacation and hung out with friends. I made a bunch of new friends and just had a good time...too good of a time, in my opinion. I gained back like 15 lbs which I'm now currently back on track to losing. I couldn't start at the gym immediately because of getting con crud right after which took like two weeks to go away -_- meh.
The semester is almost done for me. I submitted my last work and am waiting for the grades. And then I get a month off to do whatever I want. Yay.
My birthday is in a week. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'll be the big 25. I still feel the same as I did when I was a teenager, just a bit less naive. I hope that never changes. I don't want to be that dick who forgets what it's like to be young and keep a fresh perspective on things. But anyway, I have a whole week of fun planned out for my birthday so I have a lot to look forward to.
I'll end this here.

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1413 (210)
It started July 1, 2017.
Its now August 4, 2017.
It's been a month.
I'm now getting love letters and love confessions and little gifts.
I think I gave it my best try.
I really did.  I didn't half-ass this one.  So don't accuse me of it.
I really wanted it to work.  For both of us. 
But I'm not feeling it.  And I have to go with my feelings.
(At this point my mother would say: What does love have to do with marriage? and/or say something along the lines of me being too picky or having too high expectations)
But this can't go on any longer.
I just...can't.
We need to talk. 
 
I just wish there was someone out there who didn't fall in love with me within hours. Someone who didn't want to kiss me.  Someone who didn't want to marry me.  
Can't I just have a friend?  Just one friend.  That's not married! That's a guy. That's chill.
I know, I know.  There's girls out there with the exact opposite problem. 
The grass is always greener on the other side, eh?
 
Who knew one of the dating concerns I'd have is when is it appropriate to ask to see the divorce decree? 
If one more guy tells me he's divorced, he better freakin' be divorced.  I want proof. 
Oh wait, that's right, they never approach that subject, I'M the one that has to ask if they are in fact divorced. 
Call me crazy, but I think I have some preservations and standards when it comes to kissing a married man. 
 

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1412 (97)
 
"I've got issues, I've got scars
And the color is just like yours
I was broken right from the start
I'm not different than you are
I'm not perfect, I'm perfectly flawed
And my scratches don't hurt much at all
But just like you, I've got issues
 
Am I unwell, cause I don't understand
Is this what they say it is, to be human"
 
-Issues:  James Durbin

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Frank is dead (140)
I guess only Tara will remeber him as 'abnormal' here on sitd back in the days.
He was my friend - one of my best friends. He passed away on Saturday night at home at the age of 41.
Be well my friend.
 
 
 

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1408 (146)
 
"One always has a better book in one's mind than one can manage to get onto paper" 
-Michael Cunningham
"Books serve to show man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new after all." 
-Abraham Lincoln 
"It is what you read when you don't have to that will determine what you will be when you can't help it." 
-Oscar Wilde
"Great books help you understand, and they help you feel understood." 
-John Green
"Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it." 
-P.J. O'Rourke
"There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book." 
-Josh Jameson
 
 

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