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What's New At Sitdiary?
Spring Cleaning Apr 17, 2014

After moving hosts a while back, apparently a few things got neglected, so I took it upon myself to get stuff working again. As it turns out, it was nothing crazy, but so far I've fixed:

  • User Profiles
  • Comments Viewer
  • Friends Post Viewer
  • Buggy stuff behind the scenes

As always, my goal is to bring the back-end code for Sitdiary up to snuff, but for now -- at least stuff works.






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Recent Posts

Friends (8)
Well, i love my friends. Actually after a long and rocky way through life there is only my kindergarden pal left, which i know since i was 6. He's still my best friend and knows me better then everybody else.
Sometimes we meet up for a coffee or beer, so we did this morning and had a chat. He's talking into me and i'm doing the same to him. We discuss about reasonability and about cars and women.
Like that. I really appreciate that, i guess the older you get the less friends you're gonna have.
Also im grateful lately to have sitd here, i have he need to write sometimes just some thoughts and feelings off my soul.
Thanks scott for keeping this up!

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howl (1)
No i don't want to keep doing this. sweep me away, let me float on out of this. everything feels so heavy. i'm going to miss this buffer. it's time to let go for a bit and try something else for a change.
but really i'm just waiting to dissolve.
the day will come.

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1391 (352)
"If you can't dazzle them with brillance, baffle them with bullshit." 
-W.C. Fields

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the moment you said: "tonight, i will be fun", instead of: "i will have fun" (62)
as you try to piece together the series of feelings that brought you to this moment, you realize that those feelings just don’t equate the sense of shame, self-hate, and resentment you feel. by then, it’s too late to stop—you’ve already reached the moment. the moment when you’re looking at your body being used by another; the moment you’ve detached yourself from the act; the moment where you’re feeling yourself being penetrated; the moment where the friction between your legs just stopped being enjoyable; the moment you realize, it was never meant to be. you were never meant to act this way, but you’ve choreographed the play that brought you to this bed. you’ve conversed, you’ve agreed, you’ve given consent. 
yes, this was not a story of rape.  no, this is your fault.
pinned in this moment, you let him finish. meanwhile, your mind mind replays the previous moments where you could’ve stopped yourself from getting here. on repeat, you let out a calculated moan to convince yourself yourself that this is what you need. you curse your reason for not falling for it knowing damn well that somewhere during the night you lost your ability to reason. yet now you know. it came to you like a distant memory. in and out, then out again and in deeper...into your consciousness until you clearly remembered, in this moment, that you did not lose your ability to reason tonight. reason was ignored; tonight, you really needed to suppress what was raging inside your heart in any way you could. you caught the wrong feelings and those started weeks/months ago and tonight, despite your efforts, the man inside you was the wrong man at the right place, because the right man was at a girl’s place. the shame, the self-hate, the resentment...the friction, this is all your fault, but the pity, the only feeling that brought you to this moment, that was him.
no, i never grew up.

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1389 (129)
I ate a whole box of girl scout cookies yesterday.  Tagalongs. mmm peanut butter.
I make snide comments to myself a lot throughout the day, and yell, and complain.
I can like literally watch the sweat pour out of me.  For no apparent reason.
I know the weather is a lot warmer than it normally is in March, but this much sweat only comes a few days when I'm off the pill. 
I can't stand the feel of my skin, the sweat.
I can't let any body part touch any other part of my body because of contact of skin.
Keep my hands apart, keep material between my thighs, don't put my arms down, dont bend your elbows.  
I can't stand the smell of me either because of the sweat.
I just want to go home and scrub myself raw. 
Peel all my clothes off and wash them immediately.  As if that would stop the sweating for the night.
I can drink a lot of water when I'm off the pill though.  Between the blood loss and the sweat, I can down any drink.  Even pop.
Oh how I long to touch my phone screen without my fingers sticking.  
Oh how I long for a smooth dry swipe or texting conversation. 
Food, which usually sounds practical, is an absurd idea now. 
I love artichoke and spinach dip for some reason even though I dislike both those ingredients.  
So recently the thought of actually eating spinach or artichokes, knowing they're in such dip, makes me sick. 
There's actually spinach in there!  And artichokes!  I can taste them individually now. I can smell them in there!
And of course, speaking of smell, I can smell -everything- all the time. 
Which also doesn't help with the food idea. 
It literally comes in waves, in seconds, "Oh, that sounds good to eat." Five seconds later after a few thoughts and smells roll through my head, "Oh, I am not eating that." 
And this is only four days off the pill. 
Imagine if I attempted to get my body to regulate my periods by going off the pill forever. 
This is juss a precursor, a glimpse of my future if I were to become pregnant.  *shudder*
Happy Saint Patricks Day!
My only green shirt I have that fits me now, and isn't long sleeve to slowly kill me in this heat, is my stick figures with the caption "I didn't hit you.  I high-fived your face!" 
Beauty and the Beast comes out today!  I want to go see it so bad. 
So while you are all out getting drunk and/or partying tonight.... 
I'll be curled up in bed, groaning in pain, watching a movie and eating a tub of cookie dough I acquired for free with a recent pizza purchase (mainly because the pizza suddenly didn't sound good to eat anymore). 
Don't judge me.

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A strange place (127)
It's strange how I always come back here, just to check the place out. Like when you go back to your hometown and you drive past your childhood home. It's sad and nostalgic and reminds me of times when I was very, very stupid. 
But god, I made so many amazing, real connections with some amazing people that I'd never actually meet. This was the first open space in which I felt comfortable with myself. I was a weird fucking kid, and this place was full of other weird fucking kids like me, and it was the greatest thing. 
So many people I wish would see this. I have this tiny hope that I'm not the only one that comes around here every few years or so. maybe I just need a reminder that there were times when I was worse off than things seem now. I mean, being in my 30's seriously blows. It's this age of feeling like I should be successful by now, but I'm still young enough that I'm terrified by the opportunity to be a success.
I start an internship in Pasadena next summer (I missed the deadline for this one). Next time they send a rover to Mars or some distant moon, keep an eye out for me. I'll be the scared-looking one in the corner with the hipster Lacoste glasses.

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1388 (136)
"Nevertheless, She Persisted"
-A Day Without A Woman protest

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1387 (95)
"Saw you there and I thought
Oh my gosh, look at that face
You look like my next mistake"  
"So hey, lets be friends
I'm dying to see how this one ends" 

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[134] All Things Pass (103)
So I'm sorry I haven't updated here in two months. I know I said I'd do daily updates but I just don't see that as likely for the time being. Maybe it'll happen again one day soon but I just don't have the time right now.
In January I went to my bi-annual convention thingy and hung out with my friends again. It was so awesome to see the online crew / my new family. I had just as much fun as I always did.
Not to mention the fact that I also became friends again with Topher / sorted that whole situation out which honestly meant the world to me. I missed his friendship more than anything and after it was resolved it was like a huge weight lifted off my chest.
This past event was one of my favorites/the best event ever which is good because I said if it wasn't good I wouldn't go to anymore.
Aside from that, I'm earning a lot more money than I used to which makes saving very easy and I can afford nice things for myself - the last 6 months were tight so it's nice to be back to a stable area.
In addition, on Feb 1st I decided to start dieting and working towards the body I've always wanted. As of now, less an a month later, I am 15 lbs lighter and already feeling the effects. I have no plans to stop, either. I will be fit before my 25th birthday.
Presently I'm just trying to find motivation for everything else I need to do. I really need to amp up my writing because I'm falling behind. I need to start streaming again. And I really need to further my attempts at baking as a job - like becoming a professional caterer. It's just so hard to find the drive for anything right now because I've been focusing so much on not over-eating and watching my weight. But I'll find the balance, I'm sure.
I'm in a good place mentally for the first time in a while. And I hope it lasts.
Later o/ 

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1386 (118)
"You have enemies?  Good.  That means you stood up for something, sometime in your life." 
- Winston Churchill 

"Faith is knowing there is an ocean when you can only see the stream." 

"Judge one not by his charms, but by his actions."

"If you can imagine it, you can acheive it.  If you can dream it, you can become it." 
I've read 4 books so far this month.  On my fifth book which I'm sure I'll finish by the end of the month. It only takes a week, okay, less than a week to read like 300-400 pages. Near 2,000 pages read in all within 30 days.  Its been awhile since I've read this much.
I saw a little girl maybe 7 or 8 at the library the other day stuffing her backpack with books she checked out with her own card. I watched her utilize the library and all of its resources as if she owned the place.  I smiled proudly. I used to be like that, well, guess I still am.   I remember my library trips throughout elementary school.  I remember the "tree house" I read the Junie B. books and the Magic Treehouse books. 
I want a little girl like that of my own.  A child that reads and uses the resources around her to gain knowledge and imagination.  Children nowadays don't even know what a library is anymore, and if they do its only for the computers to play on and the DVDs they get for free.   Nobody knows about books anymore. 
I guess I don't have much to say about that since I haven't read an actual physical book in years.  I borrow ebooks from the online library and read from my phone or tablet.  
But still.  True readers are a dying breed I feel.  The ones that read a how-to book to actually learn instead of going straight to Google or youtube.  The ones that continue to read after high school and college even though they are not forced to anymore.  The ones that read a favorite classic yearly.  The ones with a room designated as their own library in their house.  The ones that pass their love of reading on to their children. 

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Tweaker Nation (67)
glass pipes dressed in white.
denial is the strongest drug.
he comes. he goes. he forgets. and then he knows.
fading back and forth and forth and back.
and again.
i say come back home.
the streets are a lonely place. where wolves lie in wait.
zombies. walking around speaking gibberish to themselves.
drooling curse words. and begging for change. money. that is. not real. tangible change.
welcome to tweaker nation.
north las vegas blvd is key.
he locks himself up with strangers in a room to ingest. digest. to breathe in those poisinous fumes.
he was gone 4 days the last time.
and i drank my time away. not caring.
he showed up on and off.
eyes bugged out. jaw grinding anger.
accusations of cheating. accusations of paranoia. of delusion.
all because. he loves those fumes.
given to him by scum that roam these streets here.
we/re in the lowest of the low.
but life is possible.
family is possible.
my riot. my shy. my ruckus.
deserve more.
more from both of us.
i drink to numb the pain.
he smokes to bring the pain.
a cycle.
a hamster wheel.
of hatred and resentment.
piling up like bones in a grave.
dug too deep.
and too wide.
i will remain hopeful.
i will find my faith.
i will trust.
i will remain.
almost. tactfully. sane.
i pray for the company he keeps.
i hope he can stay clean while wandering our streets.
i can/t keep him safe all of the time.
i can do my best.
i pray that this is the last.
very last.

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1385 (235)
I got hit on the other day at the store by a black man with his young son in a stroller.  
He followed me with his son and stroller around the make up section until I was alone in the aisle. 
He said I was cute.  Um, thanks?   "Do you think I'm cute, too?" 
Looking at his maybe 2 year old son in the stroller, "I think he's cuter."  
He took that as a win as I didn't say no, "He's half mine! 50% of my DNA."   He's a genius. 
He went on with the ever so flattering statement that men for some reason keep using, "If I weren't married with a kid, I'd totally go with you."   Yeah, cuz he wasn't already at that point? I wonder if that line actually works for him? 
It was somewhat flattering. Maybe I still got it.
Now, if only I could get that bold attention from men who aren't married....  
I have nothing against black or brown people, but they do seem to have some weird pull towards me. And most of them seem to think I'd be a good homewrecker or side piece of action I guess.  Somewhat of a backhanded compliement isn't it? Given most of them think I'm not of age or barely of age, being as I look younger than I am, a creepy vibe usually ensues. 
I think I'm invisible to white men.   I've always been "cute" and always will be.  Nobody has ever called me beautiful or sexy.  Just cute. 
I love Valentines Day.  I love the hearts, the pink, the white, some of the red, some of the flowers (the idea in general is dumb), the chocolate, the teddy bears, the giant cards, the love, the dates, the expectation of a man making a plan in which men seem to hate because they know its only the pressures of society and the stores/restaurants capitalizing on their money that make this all a big deal.  
Granted, these are just ideas I've never really experienced...   I guess I like the idea of it?
"Do you love me do you want to be my friend
And if you do
Well then don't be afraid to take me by the hand
If you want to
I think this is how love goes
Check yes or no"
-George Strait : Check Yes or No
Okay, mostly I like it for the gift giving. My love language.  Adding my favorite color in there doesn't hinder either.   Arthur found a card that he felt had my name written all over it and bought it and gave it to me like the first week of Feb.  Its not hard to shop for me. Aw.  He's never really been good with surprises/secrets.  I gave my mother a "Hugs and kisses" painted blocks when I saw her on Superbowl Sunday and Braxtons 13th Bday. 
I'm thinking about giving Natalies fam a heart shaped baked cookie.  I have a coupon.  I want to make my roommate some chocolate covered strawberries.  I might attempt a fruit bouquet also.  Ideas I've stolen from the stores that capitalize on V-Day in which I don't have coupons for. 
So what do I want for Valentines Day?  My mother asked.  I told her a teddy bear I could hug at night when I go to sleep.  Sigh.  How sad is that.  My Grandma gave me my last teddy bear which I still use, but its been a few years.  But its special cuz it was from her. 
What I really want?
I just want human contact; to be touched by a human.  (another love language I respond to)
It doesn't have to be a male! Doesn't have to be single either, haha. 
I mean animals are great and usually suffice.  I had time with my parents cat over the weekend, but... I realize I haven't actually touched someone else, other than a handshake at church, for months.  I realized, recently, every time Grandma hugs me I usually end up hanging on too long.  But she lets me. I'm going to miss her smell. 
A touch on my knee, a scratch on my back, a ridiculously long lasting bear hug, a head-burying in the crook of a neck kind of hug, a lazy hand on the shoulder, a hand through my hair.  Something.  Anything.  Just to make me feel. Feel anything. At all. 
"When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive"  
- Googoo Dolls : Iris
This is not the weekend to let me be alone with my thoughts.  I could literally lay in bed all day long Saturday.
Tuesday, V-Day, I'll probably be at the gym like usual, ironically, the place I dislike most, as I wrestle with my self-image and lack of confidence/hope. #thestruggleisreal 
Well, that was depressing.  Moving on.  Good thing I've been reading books lately, occupying my mind.  
I like the books because they tell of a world with bold and daring males who are interested and actually pursue, while reality falls remarkably flat with such ideas. But its a place I can escape, to dream, to hope, at least.  Granted, I've ended up reading sci-fi and fantasy which I'm not too fond of in order to find such romance ideas.  I've read about aliens attacking the earth (Richard Yancey), gargoyles and demons (Jennifer Armentrout) magicians and greedy rulers, (the Study series by Maria Snyder), and other worlds with people with unnatural abilities (Veronica Roth and Kristin Cashore).  And within all that unbelievable chaos they manage to have a love interest.
Wait, so if these characters have to go through all these fantasy, made up events and catastrophes in order to find love, what does that say about my hope at finding love?  Fictional, it seems.  Unrealistic. 
At least if I could find a normal fictional love story, like on earth with normal people, with a little bit of controversy/conflict, normal conflicts though, not like aliens or vampires. And without half the book being sex. That would be great.  Hence my reading of young adult books.  Great, now my desire to read and the only refuge from my own thoughts is dwindling.
I just finished a book.  I think I'll start another one. Like now. 

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Untitled (134)
Imagine yourself naked. Naked in a glass box suspended 15 feet in the air in an auditorium full of people. The light glaring off your naked skin. The audience completly full. Imagine the laughs of the audience, seeing every weakness, every crinkle in your polished exterior with exceptional clarity; with stark, cruel vividness.
No, really, take a moment. Reread the last paragraph and really put yourself there. Drink every word slowly and imagine every moment drawn out like an eternity.
Imagine yourself completely vulnerable. Every inch of your imperfection visible; every mask removed. Imagine every skeleton in your closet was placed openly before the world. Imagine every terrible act you've ever committed was read aloud on that stage of vulnerability to an audience of the ever judgemental and callous. Imagine, and look into the eyes of those who judge you.
And then think of the once person you could put in that auditorium who would make it all not matter.

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1383 (188)
"I couldn't decide who as more annoying, the fanatic or the cynic" 
-The 5th Wave : Richard Yancey

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1382 (106)
"We don't need you to make us feel safe because you made us feel brave , and that's even better." 
-Miss Peregrines Home for Peculiar Children 
"A woman is like a teabag; you don't know how strong she is until she's put in hot water."  
-Eleanor Roosevelt 

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[971] woke the fuck up (482)
okay yeah i'm fucking annoyed
i shouldn't have to ask  every fucking time but sure whatever fine

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1381 (138)
Sabrinas dad always tries to thank me for picking her up and taking her to FHE every Monday, and tells me he knows its not always easy.  I think he's thanking me for being consistent at least. But I always tell myself he just feels obligated to say that to everyone or something, but then I remember that every time I pick her up, Sabrina likes to tell me what she's doing that week and how often times she only mentions like two things, her mission she does for a few hours on some days at the High School Seminary and FHE on Monday nights.  I think she's autistic enough she has to have a planned out schedule every week, every day and she does get upset if that plan changes.   So just one Monday night means a lot to that girl.  And probably her dad as well, maybe giving him a break, a chance to do something different, as he has to keep to the schedule as well to help her out.  The brave parents out there, single or not, that battle with childrens disabilities every day. 
This Monday he asked if there was anything he could do for me. Ha.  As I remembered everything at my house and the things I could complain about in just this last week alone I just shake my head and say "No, I'm fine." 
"Somewhere there is someone more grateful for less than you have." 

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I've seen your sadness grow (222)
You were not awake, I swear

Its all been in your dreams

There's nothing tangeable

This girl, this house, this highway

your mind made it real

Just remember always move fast

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1380 (107)
The start of this new year seems....off.
Nothing is working out just right... There is always something wrong with almost every situation, but then again its not totally wrong either.  
It just feels that everything is half right and half wrong.  Just in that middle limbo irking area.  Just enough to freak you out for a bit, but then everything seems to be fine, or mostly fine. 
Like there's almost, and I mean almost, a benefit to everything that didn't quite work out the way you wanted it... I dunno I'm babbling now. 
The TV dying and my roommate not telling me is irking, but not an immediate issue, something I can save up money for. 
The snow storm on Mon, my day off, and having to drive in it to give someone else a ride, is irking, but not the end of the world. 
Having only two of my three gift cards show up in the mail on the same day cuz they were shipped at the same time and knowing I might not ever see the third is irking, and the fact that was the one gift card I was really looking forward too is irking, but I'm not specifically losing cash on it using my cc points to purchase.
The first day of work in the new year and having to deal with water damage turning off our furnace and electronics from an overflowing toilet is irking, but we were back up and running pretty quickly.  The boss leaving the whole day for mediation and leaving me with damage control was irking, but happens from time to time.
The boss losing paperwork and/or files and the first thing he does is call my name like I'm supposed to magically fix/find it or simply have someone to blame it on is irking, but happens every once in awhile.  The boss about to blow a gasket over a small misunderstanding (literally misunderstanding over the word "not" in a document) with a tenant and me rushing into stop the idiotic things from coming out of his mouth is irking, but happens.  The boss's alternator going out on his truck is a bit irking, but what can you do. When all of this stuff happens in one week at work it seems a bit much, overboard, wrong, like a bad week, not a good start to the year.  
Having my furnace decide not to turn on this morning is cold and irking, and not figuring out the original problem is irking, but I got a tech out who got it back on and we'll see if it stays on.  The unexpected service charge is irking, but tends to happen to me a lot.  My roommates lack of help on this issue is irking, but normal. 
My phone going on the fritz is irking, not staying charged and the speakers are making weird sounds now, but it works for now and I can save money to invest in another one. 
My appetite leaving me the last two weeks while sick during the holidays and coming back with venegance is irking.
The top of my Christmas tree lights burnt out is a little irking too. The fact I couldn't get into my storage container until middle of Dec was irking and now not having a lock on it at all is irking and worry-some if my stuff disappears. 
A lot of my passwords seem not to be working either when I go to login to things and is irking, weird and kinda random at what works on which device.
The water heater is still leaking whenever I use hot water, that's irking, but not an immediate issue. 
My very back crown fell off again producing another unexpected expense of $300+ and that's irking.
Knowing I have to pay for a car inspection, emissions, taxes and tags next month is an irking thought also.
I feel like I'm being punished for something I did...or didn't do...?
But I usually feel like this when I notice the things around me seem to be breaking, mainly when my house is breaking... 

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Untitled (69)
as the years go by i close more and more windows, doors, anything that would give away the secrets. i have become so bitter. i have scars everywhere, my skin is thick and the memories of how my skin came to be stiffen my spine-i do not move. all these years, all these fucking years. the weight of what's meant to protect me in this world is holding me captive-i want to break free.

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[133] Only One (122)
So the last three days were awful but also good...in a weird way.
It was the trio of Christmas Eve, Christmas, and Boxing Day...so it should have been 100% awesome, right? Well no, wrong.
For starters I had to get through an incredibly stressful weekend of work before the holidays which wasn't fun. The only thing that made it bearable was the fact that I made a crapton of money. And then after that, on Christmas Eve, I had to go Christmas shopping which last minute isn't fun. Thankfully a random shop in the mall was having a huge blowout sale (95% off everything!) so that tremendously helped with the budget.
After I spent the first Christmas Eve with my mom in forever. Anthony and myself went out with her to eat at the local Chinese Buffet. However it wasn't entirely good because my asshole Uncle showed up and that was all kinds of awkward. Not to mention I ate SOMETHING bad and as a result got food poisoning. So...that wasn't fun.
On Christmas I was still feeling ill but I powered through it and went to see Anthony's mom's family with him. I baked like 3 dozen cupcakes for the holidays. I was touched because I actually got stuff from his family (I'm used to his dad's side ignoring me & our relationship so that not happening was nice) we also had a nice conversation with his older sister and she made us both feel a lot better about where we are in our lives.
And it also helped me to appreciate my relationship more because sometimes you take for granted the...benefit of having someone always there for you to help you through your struggles and Anthony has definitely helped me a lot. I'm not as anxietic, I'm better in social situations, and I can handle myself better without cutting or drinking. And now I'm helping him work through the anger his parents instilled in him.
We're both broken but together we're whole and that's the important thing. Sometimes it's not about the most obvious thing but the little details in between.
This holiday season has taught me so much about myself and my relationship and it's never going to be easy but it'll always be worth it. 

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1378 (216)
First day of winter officially
And we got snow!
I never thought I'd be so excited for snow
But that AZ trip sure made me grateful
It looks like snow for Christmas day!

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[132] Lose It All (72)
Hey Sitdiary.
Things have been going well.
I've been pulling extra hours at the ol' warehouse and earning decent money...and as with most things in life, more money = better.
I've been trying to start writing under a new penname and that's going okay I just need to find the motivation that I've been lacking. It seems like the surge of adrenaline I had two months ago has vanished and left me feeling empty inside. I want to finish my work so I can get it published. I want to succeed in my endeavors. It's just really awful when you have an overwhelming voice in the back of your head that tells you you're going to fail no matter what you do. Anxiety sucks. And I wish I didn't have it. Thanks, family.
I guess there's nothing I can do but take each day as it comes and try my hardest to push back against the tide that keeps trying to drag me under. I just worry one day I won't be able to fight being dragged out to sea and I'll drown. I don't want that and the prospect is scary...but I can't help but thinking about it sometimes.
I just wish I could be normal. In a perfect world I'd be anxiety-free, depression-free, straight, married, have my dream job, and have 2.5 kids by now.
But this isn't a perfect world and that life was never meant for me. 

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[97o.5] post script (184)
it's the same girl, sitdiary. it's been the same girl for the last six years and it's gonna be the same girl for the next six and for every six years after that. 
i just realize that the only time i write here is when i'm feeling lonely and so i guess i should just. i don't know. posterity or something. i used to write good things, but it's really the bad things that i feel like should be excised, you know? the good things, i want them to stay with me. 

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[97o] i would give it all (70)
"wow," says everyone, because everyone says it, "that's so far."
yes i fucking know how far it is and i fucking know that it's a long time and i fucking know every single other thing
here is the hard part and here is the worst part is that my mom didn't believe me when i said you were coming and sometimes i don't believe either
it's just hard some nights. i feel like maybe you're not real and if you're not real then we're not real and if we're not real then what am i? and i know that's not true but it feels true when it's 3 AM and i am just. here. alone. it's so hard to not feel alone when that's all i feel like i've ever been. 
i love you i love you i love you i promise i love you more than anyone and i guess this is what people mean when they say sometimes you have to chose. i'm choosing and i want to keep choosing but i need something. 
please god, give me something. i love her and i'll keep loving her so good but please, give me something. i am so tired of sleeping alone.

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1377 (127)
Yay for firsts and new adventures
-First time at the Grand Canyon West side, I think its almost better than the North side
-First time on the Skywalk, walking on a glass walk above the Grand Canyon, dizzying
-First time in Mexico
-First time buying drugs in Mexico
-First time trying sushi - I know AZ is a weird place to try that for the first time... Not sure what was in it, but the seaweed didn't taste great...
-First time picking grapefruit off a tree, we were going to pick oranges but didn't know anyone to ask 
-First time driving down the AZ/CA border on the AZ side
-First time driving up the AZ/CA border on the CA side
-First time going through four states within 12 hours on a road trip (UT/NV/AZ/CA) and a country (Mexico)
As the year comes to end I realize how lax I am with my vacations as the year went on. 
I went from super organized and prepared to go on vacations to other countries to not even making reservations anymore and walking out the door. 
Then I realized my first vacation I ever thought out and planned at like age 21 in 2009 was also super organized and planned out, but it wasn't to a different country, and now I just do whatever 7 years later. 
I guess it took about seven years to save up and actually plan a trip out of country. 
But they thought it was winter down there in AZ.
It was slightly ridiculous.  We left snow storms and 20-30 degree weather.
They were boots and jackets in 70's weather. 
I was dying of heat.  I thought coming back to the cold would be a hard adjustment, it turns out to be very refreshing, welcoming after lying in sweat in bed at night when the house was hotter inside than outside. Coming back with a sunburn on yer face would feel a lot better when coming back to have yer face freeze when you go outside.
It definitely didn't feel like December and especially not like Christmas time.
Everyone wished us a Merry Christmas and every time I forgot it was December.... "Uh, you too"
It was a nice trip.  I like the detours we did on the way down and seeing Grandma.  But I'm not sure I'd do again. If I did, it would have to be in the middle of winter.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it in the first place.  The detour to the west side of the Grand Canyon was my enticement.  That was the closest I'd ever get to that side of the canyon and I wasn't going just for that reason.  Two or three stones in one shot.
I was on a cruise to the Bahamas the second week in December in 2011 and it was kinda nice to get away from the winter weather.  Take a pic by the Christmas tree on the boat in your swimming suit. My first taste of Christmas/December without snow. It was weird.  Glad I got to be home on actual Christmas day with my cold weather and snow. 
Christmas without snow. That just ain't right. 

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1376 (127)
This year I've been to 
Let's try Mexico now!
After travelling international all year, a trip through the states seems so much more easier to plan/take. 
And driving into another country seems so much easier than by air.
We'll make it a first-time (and prolly last time) four country travelling gig this year. 
And next year... I'll prolly be stuck only visiting Idaho again, like always... 

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[131] Need a Scalpel (92)
The past few weeks have been interesting.
I've been writing a lot more and just trying to keep myself from going under with my anxiety/depression. It seems like it always hits me this time of year and I need to learn to force it down. It's so weird that right around the time of the holidays it hits me. Shouldn't this be the happiest time of the year? Ugh.
I have a convention in a month and I'm sad because I haven't lost the weight I wanted to. I've not made much progress and I'm annoyed. I'm starting a regime tomorrow so that makes me happy. I'm just tired of stress eating and bake eating (I love baking but since I have to taste my own creations it gets fattening!)
I hate that my family didn't teach me better eating habits when I was younger. Like they were perfectly okay with me drinking two 2-liter bottles of soda a day and eating 6 packages of ramen in two sittings. Is it any wonder why I was an obese pre-teen? Thankfully I'm not obese currently but I still have a long way to go before I'm in the body I want to be in. I just hope I can get there - you need a lot of will power which is something I've always lacked.
I feel scared and...apprehensive. There's been a lot of changes in my life recently and I'm worried about how I'm going to handle them and how I'll deal with the ramifications if they cause problems. I hope that issues don't rise and I hope everything will remain stable but...you never know. And that's the scary thing.
I don't feel like I write here as much as I should because it is cathartic and every therapist in the world recommends keeping a diary...maybe that'll be a New Years' Resolution - go back to doing daily entries again. We'll see when the time comes. Let's just focus on one a week until then. Maybe. :P
Otherwise...I guess things are good. 

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balance (91)
november, what can i say? half a year ago i was joking about the election results to hide the anxiety i felt at there being a chance that trumpudo would win. now i find myself trying to convince a family member that unity is the only way we stand a chance at overcoming whatever obstacles the future may bring. i understand their frustration with other family members. not everyone was born with the ability to connect the dots on their own. the easy thing to do is to get mad and release the fury-it feels great too but oh man i can't tell you how much it clouds my judgement. i'm sure acting on anger hinders their vision as well. voting is one thing, but isolating a family member that can't understand the hypocrisy in their actions can lead to radical changes-who else will offer them the "support" they need, that approval they seek? they're sitting ducks, potential pawns that may be used to "legitimize" a hateful cause.
i feel like i should be talking to a deprogrammer.
i've had this headache for three hours. i'm so sleepy but the fucking pain is keeping me up.
what am i running away from? i run from one set of arms to another. i feel like i'm fleeing from my own shadow. am i really that ugly on the inside? there's been stagnant water within me for such a long time. i'm afraid of looking in. i'm scared. i am rotting from the inside. all the lies, i've become desensitized. i have to remember so much, and for what? why am i working so hard? these people only care about the skin on their back and down their pants. what do i care about? that's a great question. i can't answer that right now. i really don't know what i care about.
i smoke to forget everything, i don't want to feel everything anymore. when i smoke i rest. no, it dulls all of my senses and i feel like i can breathe. sleep. eat. at peace. finally. i wake up feeling regret, guilt, shame, and emptier than before.
there's my answer-i care about peace.
it's painful to breathe.
my position, i need to let go of unnecessary weight and move with the wind. i need to start from the inside and work my way out. 
i can't aim to break the wind, i must flow with the wind... 
inside out. once my insides are doing better i can address the outside..

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1374 (236)
Snow in the valley for the first time this winter!
Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas!
Oh oh Christmas music!  A week away from Thanksgiving...
Sorry, not so much a Thanksgiving fan. 
I just barely started to feel better the last two days.
I have to say it takes awhile for this kind of pain to make cry.
But this sinus infection did just that. 
And I'll tell you, crying does NOT help your sinus.  Only inflames them more.
The side effects of this medication are driving me nuts.
I attempted to wean myself off them just before this storm, which did not help, just so I could have my face/throat back. 
But I finally cleaned the kitchen/did dishes for the first time in a week.
No thanks to my roommate during that time...
And yesterday I made a shopping list and went shopping for Thanksgiving foods during the first snow fall of this winter.
I've realized how much I usually do each week, every day. I'm a usually productive person, so when I get sick and have to stop doing things, being physically held back, it drives me nuts.  I can't just sit there!  My roommate has no problem with that idea.... but I just can't do it. 
This morning I went to the gyno for my yearly violation. 
I feel I mention this violation of my body every November, but hey it's the most action I get all year. 
Its significant!
Between having my private parts being rudely awoken, feeling better, and the snow - I'm feeling giddy and excited for the holidays.

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[130] Got Me Weak (97)
It's been a while but I'm still active a year later (which is practically longer than I've ever been able to do consecutively which I feel like is a win on my part so hush)
Yesterday, 11/14, marked my 7th year anniversary with Anthony.
It's hard to believe we've been together for seven whole years. Sometimes it feels like we just got together and other days I can definitely feel each and every single day that I've been in this relationship.
I won't go too much into what he means to me and how much our relationship has saved me because I covered that last year in an entry. I'll just say that I'm thankful we're still together a year later.
People always lie and say when you love someone it comes easy. There is nothing easy about /love/ as an emotion. Loving someone is the hardest thing to do because you must learn to compromise which is hard for those people who are stubborn (ala me) and you must also learn how to be strong while being weakened.
Love is strength because it can make you do things you never thought you were capable of doing, but it's also weakness. It's allowing someone to make you weak because you place your life, heart, and soul into their hands and hope they don't destroy you.
When I think about the person I used to be and who I am now, I realize that in many ways my relationship has matured me. It's forced me to become more pragmatic and also taught me what love really was.
So here's to another year, hell, a lifetime of happiness and devotion to each other. <3

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Untitled (129)
I had a dream about you.

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1373 (120)
With all the fear Trump has imposed on this nation
I do have to say 
I had forgotten how resilient we are
And seeing these reactions of the youth, the millennials
I know we'll pull through
I didn't feel well on Wed
I blamed it on all this Trump stuff - everyone seemed in a weird, scared or somber mood
But it turns out to be a sinus infection, yaayy....
And of course, I can't just have one ailment at a time, that would be too easy
I woke up to cramps this morning, yaayy... 
I'm hopped up on pain killers for many reasons now!
Happy Birfday Gma!  86 I believe it is this year!
You've prolly seen a lot of elections and a lot of good and bad presidents in your time.
Always a Bday on Veterans Day too. 
I enjoy spending time with you.
I was totally gonna bring you flowers and pictures tonight
To say Happy Bday and spend the evening with you 
But I dont want to get you sick 

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1372 (108)
Well, the US is on its way back to the Republicans for the next four years....
Donald Trump the 45th President
Trump with 279 Electoral Votes vs. Clintons 228
Republicans in the Senate 51 to 45
Republicans in the House 239 to 192
It was essentially picking between the lesser of the two evils
Frankly, no one really wanted Trump, the ticking time bomb, but they're willing to take that 10% chance it might work over having untrustworthy Clintons back in the White House.  
And boy, they tolerated a lot of crap from Trump in order to avoid a policitian Clinton... Think it'll be worth the cost of our ethic and moral compasses?
At least with Obama there was an actual feeling of hope for change in the air.  That didn't turn out so well in my opinion though after 4 years, and even less after 8.   But given the choice now I'd prolly take Obama back.  He ain't so bad anymore.
There's a difference between hope that he'll implement good change (Obama) and hope that he won't blow us all up and/or start another war (Trump). 
Well as long as no one is happy....
Great, just great.

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1371 (92)
I have spent entirely way too much time with myself and my own thoughts today at work.
I've managed to make myself angry. 
The festering anger that just boils slightly above the surface.
I do this way too often. 
This is why TV/movies were invented to shut off my brain, or at least distract it for a while.

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1370 (136)
Happy Halloween!!
This weekend before Halloween I wasn't able to see the kids in their costumes as they went trick-or-treating on Friday and again on Monday when I'm at work, but they invited me to play with them on Saturday for their usual play date.  But I didn't want to go up if I couldn't see them in their costumes. I felt there was something else I was supposed to do. Wasn't quite sure what tho.
I was sad at missing out on this event I usually get to participate in. But they sent me pictures of them in their costumes.  Yay.  
Then I wondered what I would do the weekend before Halloween and then I remembered Grandma. 
Every year before Halloween Grandma and I get together to make carmel popcorn balls. 
We hadn't talked about it beforehand, we usually make plans, a time and day. I usually call her cuz she likes to be prepared.  She doesn't usually call me for anything, at all, really.  But not this year. 
We must've been on the same wave length cuz sure enough the next morning I get a phone call, "I'm popping popcorn.... Wanna come over?"  (it was so cute the way she said it, all mischeivous like)
That turned into a whole day event.  We made popcorn balls and pumpkin cookies.  Ate lunch; her chili!  I love her chili. I showed her the craft project I'm working on for my nieces and nephews for Christmas this year and she gave me some ideas and we experimented.  Then me and my Aunt even got her to sit down and watch a movie with us.
A whole day with Grandma basically.  Around my favorite holiday! I treasure these moments.
There will be a time when we can't have these opportunities any longer.  
So take them when they come. 
"Discipline is just choosing between what you want now and what you want most"   -Unknown
I thought about being the One Eyed Giant Purple People Eater for Halloween.  But that's an 80's movie, does anyone even know who that is anymore?  There's not a lot of people and places to show off costumes anymore at this age.  So I went for a quick and simple pumpkin pullover this year. 

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1369 (112)
I've written a lot lately, which is unusual, but it hasn't been complaining every single day though. 
I ended up just getting a new water heater.  
Yay for home ownership and unexpected labor and expenses... 
I got paid that day but it hadn't hit my account yet.  yay for credit cards... 
When asked how old my water heater was, I said Well, the condo was built back in 2004 and sure enough I looked it up and it said Apr of 2004.  12 years. Pretty good for this state and its hard water.
I dunno about putting new parts on such an old thing.  I had already replaced the valve like three years ago.
That was a two day project that shouldn't have been... We'll just say we made a lot of friends at Home Depo over the weekend. Just something else to drag out my already bad week. 
It was finally over, my bad weekend and the project, by Saturday night.  It only took like 45 minutes to get hot water.  Crazy.  And the old water heater was gone by Monday night when I advertised to the scrappers and recylers. 
In other news: I got my pic taken at Target.  The last time I did pics I did it at Kmart and it was crappy and dumb and they are now out of business.  I took pics with Max before he died back in 2013 or 2014. Other than that I've only done family pics. 
I didn't have a water heater so I hadn't taken a shower in a while and my hair turned into a big fro and I figured I shouldn't take pictures like that.  I ran to my uncles to use his shower.  Soft water. Ugh.  Then I ran to get pictures done.  We'll just say I'm grateful for a water heater and won't take showers for granted for a bit.  
But I found a really good deal only $11 for like 15 pictures and an hour of my time. Something to post on Facebook at least.  I've posted like three times this year, yay!  All pics of me on two vacations and then this. 
I found it actually helped my self esteem rather than cut it down like I thought.  Maybe I can still do some cute pics. Maybe Iz cuter than I think. 
The annual Halloween dance came and went.  I went as a pumpkin. Wore the right clothes this time as not to get super hot while dancing all night.  Jenny and I got a pic together in the booth this time. I'll add that to my collection of booth pics. I still think about Camille and Leslie a lot... 
There was another Halloween dance on Poppy Lane, but most of those kids were born in the 1990's so I didn't even bother with that. I stole some candy and a donut and hightailed it.  Save that slow dancing awkwardness for someone else. 
This week is much better than last week.  No boys talked to me. :D
"All that is good, we recognize because of contrast." 

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[129] Worse Seem Better (113)
Anxiety sucks.
I know it should be an obvious thing because even the name doesn't sound attractive. For those who don't suffer with anxiety it's the constant feeling of fear. It's a constant voice in the back of your head that keeps telling you you're not good enough. It's the occasional explosion of an overwhelming weight that makes you feel suffocated. It's not being able to be left alone with your thoughts for too long or you'll go crazy. It's not fun.
I've progressed so much with my anxiety that I'm shocked sometimes because I never thought I could and then there are days where it'll hit me and I'll feel like I made no progress at all. Those days suck. Majorly.
I am trying to do so much with my life right now and I'm just scared none of it will work out. I'm scared I'll be a failure and let everyone who believes in me down.
I'm currently finishing a novel up (my muse finally returned, yay!), working on a game, and also getting things ready to start my baking business. It's a lot but I need a lot or else my thoughts will drive me crazy.
I really, really, really want to succeed in life it's just so hard. I have to be strong and tell the negative voice in my head (her name is Debra) to shut the fuck up and let me breathe. Let me be as successful as I know I'm destined to be. Let me prove to all the people who said I couldn't do something in my life that I CAN do it and I can do it better than they ever dreamed of. Than I ever dreamed of.
I just want to make people proud of me.
A few days ago Anthony and I went apple picking for the first time since last season. It was so much fun...and even though we got way too many apples and I now have a fridge of apples just waiting to be cooked, I want to go again. I love spending time with him. ^.^
Ok...that's enough for today. 

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1368 (143)
So Sai bailed on our date last night.  Like two hours before the show I had tickets to.  With no backup in mind. 
I told myself to get a backup and not to trust him.
But I told myself he's different, he wouldn't do that, he's not like all the other guys.
I had a hint when he did the whole "I might not make it the monday party" wishy washy thing, but I didn't put that together with the show that night... 
My sister ended up at a hotel here in town for UEA so I went to join her for pizza and told her my predicament. 
She tried to pawn me and my extra ticket on someone else.  No takers.  So she went with me.
Gee, that makes me feel so much better and wanted. 
She's never really been the one to make me feel better about... anything, really. 
She doesn't like Halloween and she doesn't understand my morbid humor. 
I guess I just wanted to share this experience with someone who would appreciate it. 
She texted a lot through it, but she didn't fall asleep this time.  Accomplishments. 
I was so excited for the show all day.  I was having a good day.  I even texted Sai that morning to confirm we were still on for that night.  He said yeah.
Then two hours before the show I was like crying because I just felt so... rejected. 
Work is always the scapegoat with the single ppl.  They don't have much else to save them. 
It was hard to get excited about the show again. 
It was a mostly bitter sweet experience before depression sets in.
A guy that said yes to me with no intention of contacting me, a guy that got my phone # and seemed fully interested in me, actually showed up to the first date, then got an idea of who I am, said yes to a few more invitations and then bailed last second on both.
I don't think I can take another rejection right now.  Maybe next year.
These boys will never see the tears their lies invoke. 
Does it even matter anymore?  Does any of this even matter?
I think I can officially declare this a bad week.  
My water heater is still leaking.  The week isn't over yet.
I just want to hide in my room and not speak to anyone for awhile.
I'm tired of the lies.
I think I'm done with people for now.  Boys mostly.  
PMS = Pissed at Men Syndrome.  
And we all know I'll never hear from him again.  Poof.  Like we never met a week ago. 
And if I contact him we all know it'll just be more lies, "we'll go next time", "I'll try", "I'll see if I can get out of work on time"  blah blah blah
Screw it. Y'all suck.

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1367 (127)
Sometimes I hate my "get r done" mode when on my period. 
Sometimes it's wonderful and the only time anything gets done. 
Ya know that list of things to do you write up...and then cross some off... but the rest just sit there for weeks and weeks. 
This is about the time my period just gets me going on those kinds of things. 
Usually its all grown up stuff I dont want to deal with. 
Being a grown up sucks. 
I've been making appointments left and right.  It's usually just making decisions and calling, texting, emailing, doing appointments online, lots of communication and decision making which I attempt to avoid by all means most of the month.  But sure, something about blood flowing and I'm ready to communicate with ppl and make decisions.  Same thing happens at the gym too, something about the blood flowing and I've got more energy and exercise much faster than normal and it doesn't get my heart rate up as fast.  My outfits and hairdos always end up a little weird for about a week a month also.  I suddenly want to wear jewelry and paint my nails and stuff too about once a month...Interesting tid bits you don't need to know... 
This is the time I end up doing things that aren't even on my list, just a passing thought, and suddenly I have to do it.   And I mean "passing thought" literally, open the fridge and one thought comes "you should clean out the fridge of the old stuff"  and sure enough soon my fridge is basically empty cuz I threw out all the questionables I dared to test before, but no longer.  Pass my painting stuff, a thought "I should finish that painting" and sure enough out comes my paints. Search my closet for daily wear and think "I should dump all the shirts I haven't worn lately and just get rid of 'em"  and sure enough, soon I have a pile of shirts to take to D.I.  That can be a wonderful thing most of the time, sometimes it gets a little carried away.  But usually its in the logical zone which is ironic for me being on the rag.  I've never really been one for logic... 
I've been thinking about getting pictures taken of me... I haven't had nice "professional" pics taken of me since I graduated college in 2008....  It's been awhile.  But then again, I've gotten much fatter since then and have no desire to do so.  But recently I thought I could get a nice headshot at least and not be so self-conscious.  It's about time to take one and share with the family.  So I made an appointment for that. And I just know by the time the appointment comes, and I'm done with my period, that I'll be thinking "Whyy, whyy did I do this to myself?"   It was the "get r done" mode.  A blessing and a curse. 
So far the only thing I haven't been able to get myself to deal with is my voting ballad. It sits there with all the names, I just have to fill in the bubbles (in only black or blue ink).  But I don't wanna decide.  I just can't do it.  I have a hard time convincing myself that my vote would actually change anything. 
This morning I found water at the bottom of my utility closet.  Sigh.  Another grown up thing to deal with. Yay for home ownership....  Getta fix it yourself...somehow...  It was coming out the bottom.  I wonder if the water tank froze a little bit last night and overflowed a bit like last time?   I still haven't turned on my heater, even just to make sure it works for when I really need it. Maybe that would help.  
It's not very often water heaters would leak from the bottom, so it has to be one of the faucets or outlets.  I think its the pressure valve again.  Just leaking from inside the cylinder thing instead of the pipe itself this time therefore coming out the bottom.  Upon inspection of the place before I bought it we found a leak and we replaced the pressure valve just to make sure it fixed the problem before I actually bought it.  Spent money on a house I hadn't owned yet.  Yay.  And now I'm about to do the same thing again.
Must go buy another pressure valve today sometime.... The hard part is getting the old one off. Turning off the water so my roommate can't shower, hehe.  I dont know if I just don't have the right tools and just ain't strong enough... but knowing what to do and actually doing it are two different things.  
My roommate is oblivious to anything that goes on around her. She can't see past her own nose most of the time.  If it doesn't involve her or effect her, she doesn't care. Drive me nuts sometimes. My emotions were ranging from freaking out to anger about this problem, that it has to happen this week when I have so many plans (which is unusual for me) and she goes on and on complaining about her day like she does everyday. Oblivious to the fact the kitchen blew up around her while I'm trying to save my stuff from water damage, wet towels everywhere, tool boxes and kits everywhere. And then she goes to take a shower after a quick "so does the water heater work? Okay." I dont think she really waited for an answer. She doesn't care what the problem is as long as the water heater still 'works' so she can shower. Yeah, it works, its just leaking. It doesn't bother your life by any means, go ahead, take a shower while I'm currently trying to find the leak.        -_- 
And if my own problems aren't enough to keep me busy we ran out of toner on the copier this morning. Apparently this new machine we've had for a litte over a year gives little to no warning alerts for when toner is about to die.  So instead it just stops printing and says "prepare a new toner".  Great, just great. And of course the company can't deliver toner to us today, but they guarantee it shows up the next day.... That's helpful.  So we have to go get it and pay lots of money for it.  I'll see if I can get some cheaper elsewhere in the future and order it as a backup for next years lack of warning when the printer dies. This is the last day before the boss goes on UEA break so we need a printer today.   -_-

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1366 (108)
I don't want to vote!  Trump or Clinton
I choose none of them!
I don't want to vote even on the State basis of a representative, senator, governor, and an attorney general anymore. 
They all squabble like spoiled children to the point I don't even know what their platforms are cuz there's so much finger pointing, nobody actually says what they'll do for me and my state. 
They pick one 'major' flaw in their opponent and flag it all over the media and commercials and it repeats over and over.  It's annoying.  Just let it go!  They're so busy pointing out each others flaws that no one happens to mention what they are trying to do to better the world/state here!
Trump is suddenly mad at SNL's portrayal of him and thinks they are rigging the election. (SNL has been protraying Trump for a very long time on the show btw) I think SNL is surprisingly quite accurate on the spoofs they do of the debates with him and Clinton.  Usually you have to kinda make up silly and outrageous things to do and say in order to do a spoof, but in this case the actors just have to repeat what the candidates are really doing and saying.  It's kind of a cheat for the actors, if you ask me. 
I think it's a bit sad when you get angry at...well, yourself. There's something wrong when you are mad at basically, watching your own actions, words, and behaviors on TV.  Well, a little bit of foresight I'm thinking SNL is gonna get shut down if Trump becomes President, add that along with the wall to be built at the Mexican border to the list of ridiculousness.... 
Last week was a huge fuss over Trump caught on video saying disrespectful and vuglar things about women back in 2005 with Billy Bush. A whole bunch of people backed out on Trump b/c of it.  This was back in 2005 ppl.  Not much has changed about the man.  I see nothing new in this news.  Sadly, nothing surprises me about this news cept for Trump defending himself by calling it "Locker room talk".  Yes, I said "defending" himself, it was more of a confession.  What gym does he go to? 
The sad part to me is the reason they don't back Trump anymore is because he said "lewd, disrespectful and vuglar things", as if this is new? I don't know if you've noticed, but he hasn't exactly said anything respectful/nice his entire campaign and now suddenly it's a surprise that he speaks that way?  Maybe, just maybe that's the kinda guy he really is?  Just noticing this now?  I mean I'm glad they got the memo that this guy is prolly more trouble than he's worth before actual voting day, but geez... 
In other news, I got tickets to see Thriller AND I got a date for it too with Sai... 

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1365 (148)
So... I kinda sorta got asked out last night.... 
The fact this potential dating stuff turns into journal entries says how rare these moments are... 
He's 24. He's got a college degree in accounting I think?  Went to school in Chicago, worked in New York and ended up here. He's not exactly skinny, and that's the way I like 'em. He's from India, accent and all.  And the fact he's not from around here is prolly the only reason he asks ppl out, specifically me. 
It was so refreshing talking to someone that isn't from here and doesn't have the pre-set prejudices or perspectives that others have around here.  It was so nice to talk to someone who could actually hold a conversation without awkward pauses and could manage eye contact.  It was so nice to talk/flirt with someone without there being a fear or threat of a relationship or marriage.  I bet he doesn't have an issue with money either! Aka taking dates out to fast food places or not spending much money for a date period. He actually has suggestions on what to do for a date instead of asking me!  Hallelujah!  Oh this is so sad to be so excited a boy who can handle the basics of dating... 
It was so...casual... so normal... This is how normal people date/flirt in the real world.  But not here.  Sitting next to someone, asking someones name, sharing a book with someone, inviting someone to do something here is just a huge committment with underlying intentions. 
But not with this guy.   This time I'm gonna be the one going "whoa whoa, hold up, slow it down".
Sigh.  It was magical.  He was so charismatic. Everything flowed so easily with him. He has such a different view of the world.  He's like Kevin Bacon entering this small town!
Oh, the differences between the guy I asked out a few days ago and this guy that asked me out.  Slightly funny. I'm sure one of the reasons that Trevor didn't want to go out with me was because of the age difference. This Indian kid is the same age as him. 
He actually got my number. Unlike Trevor who 'said' he'd contact me.  And this kid already texted me last night and asked to go do something.  Unlike Trevor...  I would say these are ethical basics for dating, but sadly, around here it's not exactly common sense...  Like the simple concept of 'don't blow ppl off' or reschedule if you have to cancel, or at least try to give an opening in the -near- future to show you are really trying... 
It would be so cool to be friends with this guy tho.  I say this because with my luck he'll just turn this into one of those "I love you until the day I die" moments like usual on day one.  I can never just be friends with a male without them falling in love with me and declaring said love on date night one or two.  I want to be friends and then maybe fall in love. I just wish, since he's from the real world, out there, that he might understand that.  Or, again with my luck, this might just turn into a weird stalking issue or an overly anxious guy who wont stop texting, drooling or calling. 
But the real accomplishments here are: 
A) I was brave enough to ask a boy out
B) A different boy was brave enough to ask me out
No mind the details of how each of those actually turn out.... 

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1363 (119)
So... I kinda sorta ... asked Trevor out last night.
I told myself, after Sunday when I didn't stop and talk to him like usual, that I would talk to him Monday night if I saw him. 
I told myself when I got home from work that I felt talkative/social enough that I might even ask him out.
I laughed at myself right at that moment, "Yeah, right...like I was gonna do that."
And then I went to dinner Monday night, chili night, and there he was in a leather jacket that looked very nice on him I must say... I finally got brave enough to go stand in the same corner he was in, like usual, and talked to him for like a half hour. 
He mostly talked about how he is buying a house and moving away, his closing date is like a month away. Does it seem desperate that I don't want him to move away? 
The convo ended up with me saying we should do something before he moves.  He saying "Huh?" cuz he didn't hear me and then me repeating the question.... Him tripping over the table cart and stumbing with words for a minute... me sheepishly saying "if you want to, that is..."  
Basically he ran away...he high tailed it... verbally anyway.  Its more rude and the cowardess is more obvious if you physically run away from someone asking you out on a date... 
He said Yeah sure, I'm going to be crazy busy the next three weeks (very specific about his three week) but yeah I'll get ahold of you."   I know buying a house is time consuming and I'm sure his job is an excuse also, and I think he wants to go hunting somewhere in there too.. So maybe its a legit three weeks of solid busy-ness.  
But I think I know a blow off when I see one. 
Saying he'd "get a hold of me" is man-code for he's not going to, right?  He doesn't have my phone number. How is he going to contact me?  He never asked for it.  And normally I would get all bold and call him out on this fact of the lack of phone number, but I can take a hint.  He already started the blow off.  I wasn't going to push it by forcing a phone number on him....
I feel like I got too shy by that point to press the phone number issue, but now that I think about it, I think I felt more embarrassed then anything b/c of the blow off that already seemed to occur. 
I dont think boys understand its okay to say no.  Its a more manly way to go out then to say yeah and then never call or cancel an hour before said date and not reschedule. 
Honestly, I'm more shocked that I actually asked him, moreso then him turning tail and running.  That part isn't so surprising.  
There's a lot going against me here.  The more common problem of boys thinking of girls who sit by them or touch them or ask them out is the equivalent of a marriage proposal.  That's never in my favor. I'm sure the age difference scared him also.  And then the common issue that a girl asking a guy out is somehow demeaning to a man's ego.  It's a no-win situation for the girls.  Asking out or not asking out, somehow its still their fault the boys dont know the girls are interested in them.  All my experience on all this in the past has led to the man running.... Exhibit number (what number are we on again?)  
Then there's the physical differences between us which I'm sure are #1 reason in his eyes to run.  They don't usually even give you a chance after the physical judgments. 
Even after talking to him and seeing the lack of interests we share...and finding out he's moving soon...for some reason I still asked him out.  I can't believe I did that.  I'm not entirely sure why either.  We don't seem to have much in common and he's leaving soon.  But he's still cute. 
So, I'm pretty sure he'll never talk to me again.  He wasn't very good at eye contact before, I'm sure I won't get it ever again.  But at least this way he's only got a month to avoid me....
Well, I asserted myself. I put myself out there.  I let him know I was interested.  What did I have to lose, really? I think he knew it was coming cuz too I have been oogling him for a while now.  I felt like I was kinda getting the same signal from him.  But prolly not.  
"And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd 
Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to" 
I told my mom and sister.  They all said I was brave and they are proud of me.  Is it still considered brave if you wish you could take it back?  haha  I can't believe I did that. 
"Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable 
And life's like an hour glass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl
Cradle your head in your hands" 
My sisters words didn't really help me.  Is it sad that I keep going to my mom and sister for help or advice when I know their words or lack thereof never help me?  But yet I keep going back?  I mean it was going fine until my sister something to the effect of "If it were me I wouldn't be able to sleep after putting myself out there like that AND getting rejected all in one night"   I'm like, gee, thanks, when you put it that way.... She just has a way with words... that can make you feel worser about yerself....
I feel like initially I'm not so hurt about the rejection part, like I said I didn't seem to conciously have any expectations on him actually saying yeah, I was more surprised that I asked in the first place.  But when everyone kept pointing out the vague rejection I got, cuz he wasn't even man enough to just say no, then my mind started going... and focused more on the rejection.... and then of course, I couldn't sleep!
Needless to say, I happily justified drugging myself and went into a slumber... 
I'm pritti sure it was a blow off.  I mean I would definitely be shocked if he actually called/texted me to followup on this "doing something" idea.  Heck, I'd be shocked if he talked to me again.  He's never initiated any convo between us, I'm sure that won't change.  So the only way he'd talk to me is if I approached him again.  Think I'm brave enough to do that?  Me either.
Another sad part about all this is... he's the only real interest I've ever had in like the three years I've been here.  At least enough of an interest to actually ask him out.  I mean, if I have enuff interest I'll ask, but there hasn't been any interest in years for anyone... 
Last year I asked a kid out, not a real interest, but an attempt.  Maybe it was two years ago.  I think last year was the kid that showed up in his moms car and his recently acquired drivers license who called me a sugar momma before we even left my parking lot simply because I had my OWN place and my OWN car and a career.
Anyways... back to that other kid. I had tickets to a show and asked if he'd go with me.  He did the "yeah sure" thing.  We exchanged numbers.  An hour before the date/show he texted and said he couldn't make it.  I learned then not to plan more permanent  things like a scheduled show for dates cuz they always end up being flaky.  And he didn't reschedule the date.  And that was the end of that. He basically stood me up is what it was.  I have forgotten how much that hurt.  I have forgotten that these boys are cowards that can't just say no to a woman.  They have to string them along and then drop them. 
And here I am in the same boat. Again. I suppose I could make this a yearly thing.  Just to say I tried, just to remember how much it hurt, to feel alive/human again, to not even get a chance or to be reminded how cowardly everyone is.  I need a reminder at least once a year why I don't do this whole dating thing, right?...
"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive" 
I think a major part of his saying no is his anxiety in public.  He doesn't want a date with a huge activity or eating in public or whatnot.  And I know that.  So I wasn't going to ask him to do anything major. I was just going to ask him out for a drink and talk.  That's it.  But he doesn't know that I know and can accommodate for his fears, so he's just going to run before I even tell him. I'm only asking like 30-45 minutes of his time, a drink and a talk.  No crowds, no food, no activity that may or may not embarrass us, etc.  Technically prolly isn't even called a date at this point.  But he doesn't know that.  And he won't stick around long enough to find that out. 
I shoulda said more specifics to give him a heads up. To not freak him out. That it could be something he could handle. I shoulda said more to convince him that it wouldn't be a huge deal. But a part of me thinks its not really my job to convince someone to spend some time with me.  I shouldn't have to convince someone, I shouldn't have to make a case for myself after they've already made up their mind.  But at the same time I feel I should have fought for myself, made him give me a chance, sold it, ya know?  Somehow? Without making me look pitiful.  If only I had more time.  If only I had more confidence.  If only I had more bravery.
"Cause my mind won't stop, its just 11 blocks
I know that you're home
Cause its a Friday night; you're not that type
I know that you are home" 
Sigh. I feel I already know his type.  And I know I can handle that.  But he doesn't. 
My mind won't stop. 
There's always that small part of me that thinks, that hopes, he won't be one of those cowards that runs. That he'll actually contact me.  That he'll actually do what he said he'd do.  That he might actually have an inkling of an interest in me.  I really thought he wasn't a coward kind of guy.  I really did.  I really thought he'd be different.
Is that sad?  Is he just stringing me along?  Shall I have no expectations and therefore not get hurt?  Do I let it all out there?  My hope, my optimism, my faith in him? And either go down hard or possibly be lifted up? Do I take that risk?   Does it even matter at this point anymore?
I only take this risk about once a year, I'm sure I'll live.  My sister is a naturally negative soul and took his response as a blow off and she's done with him.  But mother seems to have some hope for him.  She's the one that started that thinking... 
I have to stop thinking about him.  Good or bad.  I have to move on.
I suppose I'll give a shout out to my brotha. 
Happy Birthday bro.
He's 34 today.  Not too shabby if he didn't look and feel a lot older than he is. 
The balding head is gonna come, bro, whether you want it to or not. 
The attempt at maintaining your thinning hair as long as your wife just ain't gonna work much longer. 
You just gotta let that go. 
You also gotta let go of that pride about not being able to pay a doctor and just go see what the doc can do to alleviate your pain.  You can't just ignore health problems and hope they go away.  Surely your teeth have been that lessen for ya.  The smoking ain't helping you either. 
You just gotta let that pride go. 
Follow the advice of your three year old daughters - ever since they were born and all the Frozen toys and parties and how many times they've watched the movie, and just "Let it go!!" 
I say all this cuz I want you to take care of yourself so you can be around for your wife and kids.
Your sons still need a role model, a father, someone to teach them things that your wife can't/won't.
Your daughters need a father to walk them down the aisle, show them how boys should treat them, teach them boy things that your wife can't/won't. 
I love you even though yer a little slow on the importance of family fact, but you are slowly catching on now, and actually being alive and without pain for most of yer years is part of loving and sacrificing for family. 
Put down the pride and take care of yourself for them. If there as to be a martyr, then be the martyr by taking care of yourself so you live, not by dying.  Quite frankly, your wife isn't fairing much better either and we need someone to be there for the kids!

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[128] Make It Right (118)
So today was interesting.
I ended up (after much debating) going to a party thrown by my aunt (on my dad's side). It was a birthday party/costume party for my 15 year old cousin.
I enjoyed the ride there because I got to spend a lot of time with my sister (who was my "date") and we caught up a lot and just talked about life.
It was interesting because I hadn't seen that side of the family in a few years, well, some of them I haven't seen since 2014 and others since 2008.
When I was younger I held things against them I probably shouldn't have. I distanced myself from that side of the family because I blamed them for the shit my father put me through. How he was never there for me growing up and how I feel like he took advantage of my mother. I mean she was 14/15 when they got together and she had me not too long after...and he was in his 20s. Yeah.
But of course my father was there and he was drunk (of course) and like he did his usual bullshit of hugging me and telling me how much he loved me and showing me off to his family members/friends that I haven't met before. It's really uncomfortable. I feel so awkward when he hugs me/shows me affection because I'm not used to it. And I don't know how to process it without going numb.
Towards the end of the night he pulled me close and told me how sorry he was for everything he did - I guess him and my mom splitting, him not being there for me, etc. etc. and whatever else he could think of.
I didn't know how to react and I still don't.
I want to believe he meant the words he said. I want to believe that he knows how much he fucked up and that he knows he did wrong by me and really does want to rectify all of the pain/hurt he caused. but I know better.
Why? Because he's said this shit before.
He told me the same thing when I was 12/13 and he showed up randomly and said he'd take me to a baseball game/to the movies. He never showed.
He told me the same shit when I was 16 and I visited him when he was drunk with his friend.
He told the same thing to my aunt when I was 21 and she had her new baby. How he was sad we weren't close and how he missed all the years in my life.
And now he's told me it when I'm 24.
I don't need him anymore. I don't think I ever did because I had an amazing dad substitute. But like...I don't know why he keeps doing this to me. I wish he would just let me go. Pretend I don't exist. Stop with the empty promises. Stop with the comforting words that we both know he has no intention of following up on. It's not fair to me. It really isn't.
"Hey Dad,
I'm writing to you. 
Not to tell you that I still hate you,
just to ask you how you feel.
And how we fell apart.
How this fell apart.
Are you happy out there in this great wide world?
Do you think about your son?
When you lay your head down
how do you sleep at night?
Do you ever wonder if I'm alright.
I'm alright." 

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[127] Forget Where You Been (117)
Hey diary.
So recently as a birthday present to a friend of mine I read a bunch of my early entries to him. See, he didn't know me back when I was 12/13/14/15 so he was excited to see the kind of person I was.
Yeah, it lead to me cringing a lot but I got through it.
It's interesting to read back and remember all the things I did and the person I was. I mean, I'm still the same person but I see things differently and have evolved beyond my old line of reasoning. I don't regret the things I did or the person I was because it helped shape my present and it also helped me to become a stronger person than I would have been otherwise.
I wish I could go back in time and tell 12/13/14/15 year old me to not take things so seriously. That it seems bad now but in 10 years everything will be just fine. You'll be out of your grandmother's house. You'll be in a relationship (the one thing you've always wanted!) you'll have a purpose in life. You'll have dozens of friends - so many that you won't be able to keep up with them. You'll be wanted. You'll be loved. You don't have to be miserable now because everything you're feeling is just temporary and one day it'll all be so much better.
Just be patient.
I think so many people forget where they've come from and where they've been. And they end up forgetting why they got to where they are. If you forget your roots you lose your entire reason for being.
I was pretty miserable when I was younger. I did a lot of cringy things (like "fall in love" too fast, try and force people to like me, care way too much about what people thought, dealt with more bullshit than I should have, etc) but as I said, I don't regret any of it because your experiences and memories shape you. If you're smart, they'll shape you for the better. If you're dumb, well, you'll never grow.
I'm glad I've grown into a mostly okay person. I say mostly okay because I still make mistakes. I still have anger issues. I still take too much bullshit sometimes. And I still care about what people think of me. But I'm learning more and more every day and maybe one day it won't be the same.
I hope 12/13/14/15 year old Mike...like if he could see me now, I hope he'd be proud of the man he turned into. Because I am proud of who I am. 

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The Day Jackie Died (373)
It's been a few years but I plan to start writting again. I think I had some pretty good blogs in here... you guys seem to enjoy it since most or my posts have between 100-600 hits on them. Anyways.  I woke up this morning to find Jackie dead. He was at the end of the bed on the floor, in the corner. And his body was still letting out strange breaths and noises but he was gone. I still wrapped him in a blanket and lifted him as if he were a china doll and placed him on the bed. Poor Jackie cat. And there I sat with this poor lifeless body, wrapped up, in my lap. I had loved this cat I swear more than any other human or animal. Not to say I have never loved nor cared about an animal or human but this little guy was my everything. 
You see Jackie had been an ally cat. Straight up raw and rugged ally cat. I had descovered him while I was a child living in a condow complex with my mother. It was winter and he was sitting a few houses down under some bushes cold as anything. He at one point got a small nip of frost bite on one ear. When ever i'd get home from school, before my mother would get home from work... i'd let him in to warm up. I'd even give him a bit of food. A year passed and we were about to move to the country. Throught out the time that I had lived there, I has asked many neighbours who he belonged to and would every so often try the number on his collar which was always not in service. 4 of them had told me that Jackie had been there for about 4 years and didn't belong to anyone. He was a stray they all took turns feeding. 
On the day my mother and I were moving, it was the last load of stuff and I asked her if I could take this stary cat with me. At first she said no, like most parents do. I asked and asked and finally she gave in. Ticked off she told me "fine. find that stupid cat but you have 15 mins and we are leaving." I ran everywhere calling this cat and looking in every place he liked to go. Finally, after 20 mins, I found him and scooped him up. He was not impressed and had no idea what was happening. I jumped in the car with him and we drove off.
That cat and I were together ever since. 
He was one of the greatest mousers i'd ever seen. He at one oint brought me home a baby rabbit, small weasel (trust me those things can mess up or kill cats), numbers of birds and mice... the list goes on. We trusted each other too. So much trust, I have never really and don't think still trust anyone or thing as much as I did that cat. I knew all his meows. We'd even argue with each other. He had such personality... And I knew he loved me. Don't get me wrong, he could have left at any point and went back to being an ally cat. But we had an agreement and as long as we let each other be free and come and go then we'd always come back to each other. I'd always try to go out in the rain or hail and search for him. I hardly gave up untill I found him.
I loved the way he smelled. Every animal did. Dogs would always try to come up and just sniff him. He was so other worldly at times too. and LOVED the out doors where he could be free. 
Even once a dog tried to eat him and when I grabbed the dog he saw I had her tight and yelled at him to run, and he did. He ran and trusted me that he'd be safe. For at that time he had to run right under the dogs legs. But over my dead body would I have let that dog get him. Sorry dog, but talk about animal instinct. I would have wrecked her. Luckly nothing happend. And the dog was fine. And honeslty a good dog. She just hated small animals and had gotten out. 
I feel sick from crying so much. But I know i'll get over it one day, or at least one day the pain will be dulled. My instinct, like most animals, tells me to slink off alone to be sad and alone. However because I am human, this isn't a good idea. You see when humans get sad, all maners of thoughts creep into their heads and nest. You never know what will come of it. When the darkness creeps in it can get very dangerous. And esspecially because we like to feel to know we're alive, that means pain doesn't hurt so much. So you see alot of things can happen. That's why I feel it's safe and good to be around people off and on. And let them feel like they can and are helping. 
I think that is all for today. Not my best entry but give me time. I'm just sad my best friend died. You know something though, it wasn't that bad finding him dead. I knew I could handle it and get his body where it needed to go, and I would like to think that he trusted me enough to die at the end of the bed instead of asking to go out and never seeing him again. 
-Ashley Bunneh

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1362 (238)
"And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay"
The boss's dad passed away this morning.
Happy Birthday my Sara girl.  Turning 8 today.  Yer so tall already...

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Untitled (1151)
i hate not writting in here. I try to come back at least once every couple months at least. but theres so much going on and so little since its all the same thing over and over and over. just cut and paste.
things have been crazy. I just want to get my shit together once and for all. I want a place to live where i feel stable and secure at all times. I want a job. I want to feel READY to move again.
And its not just easy as... "Jeni, you need to start putting yourself first" and making decisions that put me first.. because Im only here for Max. If we werent together I would be in california or europe. So I try to make plans for us.. and then something bad happens and it gets put on hold. and then i get scared to make more plans for us.
I got arrested at the end of september. I had an autistic episode. there's more to it but thats basically it. it was summer so

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1361 (249)
My first niece Maylee turned 4 years old. 
I can't believe my baby girl is 4 years old.  She looks like she's 6 or 7.  She's a tall girl.
But she still acts like my little 4 year old.
She likes pink and painting, two things I'd hope to integrate into her life... Success.
I suggested a painting party for her bday. 
It was the perfect idea.  Because I know her so well. 
But not ideal with that many of her cousins attending.
I still remember that time she pointed at the little pink things on the cupcake and we both said with excited voices "Sprinkles!"  
We think alike.  Finally a girl I can think alike with, someone who understands me. 
None of my friends or family understands the joy in the silly things like pink stuff or sprinkles and sparkles.
Lately, I feel like I score a zero in all my efforts....
" Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, "I'll try again tomorrow"   
-Thomas S. Monson
"I messed up tonight
I lost another fight
I still mess up but I'll just start again
I keep falling down
I keep on hitting the ground
I always get up now to see what's next
Birds don't just fly
They fall down and get up
Nobody learns without getting it wrong
I won’t give up, no I won’t give in
Till I reach the end
And then I’ll start again
Though I’m on the lead
I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail
I won’t give up, no I won’t give in
Till I reach the end
And then I’ll start again
No I won't leave
I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail

Look how far you've come
You filled your heart with love
Baby you've done enough, take a deep breath
Don't beat yourself up
Don't need to run so fast
Sometimes we come last but we did our best
I won’t give up, no I won’t give in
Till I reach the end
And then I’ll start again
Though I’m on the lead
I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail
I won’t give up, no I won’t give in
Till I reach the end
And then I’ll start again
No I won't leave
I wanna try everything
I wanna try even though I could fail
I'll keep on making those new mistakes
I'll keep on making them every day
Those new mistakes"
Try Everything - Shakira
"We teach the ideal but also how to deal with the real" 

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[126] Close Your Eyes (144)
I can't believe it's almost going to be a year since I started writing here again.
I look back on 2015 and it seemed so long. I went through so much stuff, did so many things, and grew so much as a person and it seemed to go on forever. And in comparison, 2016 seems so short. I don't know if time's just going faster or this year has just been uneventful - aside from the whole losing my house thing >.>
I'm starting a new venture. I'm still not in writing mode but I've been baking a lot and I've learned to make what I've been told are super delicious cupcakes and I'm hoping to start catering weddings, parties, etc. I just really want to spread smiles and baking sweets for people is the best way for me to do that I think.
I'm dealing with family bullshit drama again. My grandmother had me working for her and she ended up not paying me for 60% of the work I did and yet she has the balls to get mad at me for not wanting to help her anymore. I'm just so over her.
And I'm over my cousin and her drama. I honestly hope they take away her baby because I can't stand to see my God Daughter abused/be in an abusive situation. It makes me sound heartless, I know, but honestly the baby would be better off with a new family than with her mother and father. My poor aunt doesn't need the stress of another kid in her life when she has a recent newborn. Ugh.
I think one of the scariest feelings is not knowing what your place in the world is. Not only that but feeling like there's a time limit and if you don't find out by the end of the countdown you'll just be a shattered mess whom everyone hates. It's a silly fear but it...is very real.
I hope I'm going in the right direction in my life. And I hope I'm making all the right choices. 

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