Listening to: The TV- Discovery Channel
Feeling: hungry
So I am soooo sore. I dont even know why. I have bruises all over too! Its awesome! seriously.. i love bruises! anyways...
last night i talked to my mom about the trip and some other stuff. the last night on the delta, I scared the boys.. they wanted throw me in the water and i didnt want to.. well.. wont get into details but i went crazy and started wailing on all of them.. i even bit ryan... and afterwards i went upstairs to the girls room and laid down and couldnt stop shaking and crying... like i was terrified... and i was telling my mom about it and such. and then this morning i was talking to her some more... and... i had a dream.. and i told her about it. and she said that she thinks it has to do with being molested and blah blah blah and that stuff is starting to come up. like dreams and freaking out over things like i did on the delta. but usually it happens around 30-40. my mom was molested and raped when she was younger and she thought everything was dealt with, and then she started getting dreams and stuff when she was in her 30's.. so she went to therapy. same with her best friend but she went when she was 40. and my moms been praying that i would be able to deal with this already. and i have been praying for so long.. i havent even been praying recently because it felt pointless and i thought i'd just always have it in the back of my mind.. and flash backs and dreams would be normal now.. but at the delta.. we wrote down all the things we wanted healing from and one of the things i wrote was all the crap that came from jay. and my mom said this morning that she thinks its God and that he wants to heal me now.. not when im 30 or 40 years old. so she said she wanted to look into getting me therapy. and its kind of scary.. cuz i was in therapy as a little girl.. like 6 and 7 cuz i was so obnoxious.. heh, and it scared the crap out of me. and after being molested she wanted to get me into therapy right away but i refused to go. and then i agreed but the lady we were going to go to... who was also a friend of my moms.. was already counseling jay. so that kinda sucked. so i'm still ify about it, but im willing to do it if it means healing. cuz i need it. and thats what pm was talking about on the delta.. alot. you know, confessing your sins to God=forgiveness and confessing your sins to man=healing. not that i sinned. but bleh you know what i mean. I think it'll be good. Im kind of excited.
in other news: I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulleD! wooo! thats big news people..
in other OTHER news: i think im gonna get a car soon. we're going to go look at one today. i hope i get it. i dont even care what kind it is.. or if it looks good anymore. i just want something that will get me place to place with no hastle.
i have so much in my head.. but i dont really feel like typing anymore. i feel like eating.. grill cheese! MmmmMmmMmmMmm!...
love always,
brittany