i don't deserve tim. i feel like crap. i need help. i need someone to talk to. but i don't trust anyone anymore. tim understands me. more than i understand myself. when i am so upset and i think nothing will calm me down, he does and i don't know what it is that makes him just know what to do. he knows when to hug me. he knows when to listen. he knows when to fix a situation. he knows when i am being stubborn but he apologizes if he takes it that way but i actually have a point and he realizes it a little too late. he doesn't hurt me. he's aware of my feelings. he doesn't tell me how to feel. he is my best friend. before anything. he is humble and honest and true. and i am nothing. he makes mistakes. but he makes up for it. he's not just words. he shows me he loves me everyday. every single day. we don't fake being excited to see each other when he gets home from work. he says what me means and he means what he says. he doesn't make me feel bad for things i already feel crappy about. he doesn't rub things in my face... like pie. heh. he is the only thing that keeps me on this stupid earth. besides God who you know, created the whole gravity thingie. without tim, i would be just a note away from nonexistence and it wouldn't be to anyone specific. just a general note that says "suck it". maybe i wouldn't go where he's going but. i wouldn't have to live here without him. i need help. i don't want to lose him. my heart hurts. its like i have a sign on my back and it doesn't say "kick me" which i would prefer to what it must say... "hurt me, i keep coming back". people can do whatever they want to me. people can screw with my head. people can take things from me. but i have to tip toe around them, and i never get anything from them. i don't even know what i want anymore. people are so selfish. i am confused but i don't think i have ever been as selfish as some people. and its starting to really get to me. I am sick of sitting back and taking it from everyone. but how do you get justice from people who don't care about anything but themselves? there is not justice. thats what pisses me off the most. there's nothing i can do. I'm so overwhelmed. I used to be stronger. I say I don't trust people but i think its more that i don't want to trust people.. because the fact is.. i do.. way too much. i trust people who aren't trustworthy. i trust people i shouldn't trust. i don't want to expose myself to people anymore because i know I'll trust them right away and i don't want to. i am sick of getting hurt. i want a job. i want to do something special for Timmy's birthday. but i wont be able to if i don't have money and i can't do nothing. its not fair. he deserves a nice birthday. he says my birthday is going to be awesome. he said its the best birthday ever and it will make all my following birthdays look lame because you can't top this birthday. its a surprise... i kinda wish he didn't tell me about having a surprise cuz I'm going a little crazy wondering. but luckily its only like 12 days away. i don't deserve a nice birthday. we didn't take pictures of the pumpkins. they were kinda cool.. but they fell apart.. already. tim said they were all caved in and moldy when he got up this morning. he said he's been having a hard tim getting up in the morning and he's late to work a lot this week. so I've been trying to go to bed with him. but last night we went to bed a little late. playing halo and then we had a fight. but its ok.. it ended good. wink wink. ew your gross.. anyways. i think my butt looks good. i had an appointment for my dress. yeah, no wedding. but.. i might as well get my dress, already paid for it. and if anything else... we'll get wedding pictures. when i was in the room about to put on my dress i noticed my butt looked pretty cute. they have those 3 mirrors kinda like on what not to wear.. the 360 mirrors. well these don't go all the way around, but somewhat. enough to see all angles. just saying, it looked better than a few months ago. annnnnnd thats a day after having a big mac! i was so scared. oh that reminds me... when me and timmy were at lunch a few weeks ago, i looked out the window and saw a bikram yoga studio. i don't think i'll go there but i want to start doing yoga again. like every day. yoga makes you happy, calm, toned, sexy, awesome, and aware. and drums get out aggression. so I've prepared a schedule for myself. since job hunting is going nowhere... i figure thats not the be all end all of happiness. i might disappoint myself without feeling successful, and think that Tim thinks i suck.. but i can look awesome for him and make him proud of me in other ways. I'm going to be hot and I am going to be perfect for him. Our relationship is fine, but some times i think we lack a little.. fire... maybe its me who hasn't put in enough effort. maybe if i did, we'd have everything. but its not like that area is a huge issue, just sayinn.. went to buy some pj shorts. but just got panties instead. its weird buying panties from a guy. awkward. timmy bought me a pink controller :] its cute. and he said the pink battery pack deally is on the wayyy. woot. ---------------------------------------------------- Ever receive a really long apology? yeah. not from many people tho. i find a lot of people are too proud to reeeally apologize. and i hate when people say "i apologize" and not.. "i am sorry for......" its not that hardd.. Feel like talking to someone that you haven't in a while? no. i really don't. and its their loss. Are you mad at the last person who called you? no i love him Expecting something to change in the next month? no I am through with expecting anything from anyone. altho... i do expect to have a lovely birthday compliments of timmy timmy cocoa pop. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? a pink highlighter and cd cover Besides sleeping, what else do you do in your room? you know... You're trapped in a room for 3 days with your worst enemy, what do you do? kick them in the jaw. Today did you kiss a person you have feelings for? omg Have you ever been around someone who was high? yep When is your birthday? october 21st How's your heart lately? i'm guessing squishy and bloody.. red? idk.. Are you a forgiving person? way too much Who was the last drunk person you spoke to? i have no idea. i don't really talk to drunk people. probably my uncle on the stairs like 5 years ago.. or whenever that was. what a retard. How ticklish are you? muchly Is any part of your body sore? sore.. no. Is there anyone who's a lot like you? yes. How is your hair? longish. would like it longer.. once it gets long enough i will chop it all off. Do you have any text messages that you don't want other people reading? i don't text sorryy Who was the last person you got in an argument with? no one important Do you know anyone addicted to anything? yep Where is your phone ? right here What color phone do you have? purple What happened at 10: 00 am today? probably a lot of stuff.. but i was just taking notes and watching tv Does anyone call you babe? Timmy calls me baby. that jason fella called me babe. i like baby better.. i don't really see myself as a "babe" but I'll take it on occasion. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? sometimes. i don't know. who am i to say? Single, taken , crushing, heartbroken, just broke up? married Are you happy with that? of course If someone liked you right now would you want them to tell you? no its a little too late for that don't you think? Have you ever broken a heart? yeah but in hindsight they deserved it. Whats the relationship of you and the person you last texted? i don't text Whats bothering you at the moment? douchebags Have you ever walked in on people having sex? lol no... that'd be awkward. Have you ever held hands with anyone? no way! Next time you will kiss someone? whenever i feel like it Think back to the last person you held hands with, would you kiss them? I'm married. i hold hands practically every day Can you cook? i gots to or it'd be nothing but fast food What are your chances of getting with your crush? ?? Have you ever fell asleep in someones arms? every night Have you chewed gum after someone else already has? yeah i used to do that with my best friend in jr high. not like a lot... and then when i went to see slick shoes. and 2 guys from sean's band chewed my gum. it was gross but i liked it. i wouldn't do it now.. with all the diseases i could catch. Are your fingernails painted black? uhm no. Does it bother you when you text somebody and they take forever to text back? i don't text, but when i did.. no. i don't like texting over and over.. its so unnecessary.. its like.. kinda insulting.. its like why are we wasting time texting when u could just call me?? Are you currently doing laundry? nope already did it. What colour are your eyes? brownn Are you on msn? nope How old do you look? 17 maybe. on a good day Do you ever keep arguing even when you know you’re wrong? no. i really don't. but i know quite a few people who do. d bags When was the last time you cried really hard? none of your damn business. Are you sarcastic? i can be In the past week have you gotten sick of somebody? ef yeah Last person that made you smile? timmy but thats what timmy's do best. time to make my hubsy dinner.