I always forget to write in this now. Not because I am busy or have so much going on.. probably the opposite. And although as anyone has had the unfortunate displeasure of randomly stumbling into this meaningless word pit i call my diary knows... i could write forever and there would hardly ever be a point. But whatever man... its my diary.

Well lets start with the bad and get to the good...

I think one reason I don't write in here as much is because my mother once mentioned she found this diary and read it She said she read it when we werent talking a long time ago. And on the off chance she still does... I just dont want her "feeling" close to me or like she "knows" me just because can read. i don't care if complete strangers feel this way... go ahead strangers... but if she wants to know me or feel close she can stop reading and DO something about it. But she wont. She is a coward. and i don't care if she knows i feel that way. Its all too easy for her to take a back seat and excuse herself from my life. She thinks I am the one who leaves and then puts words in my mouth like "I know you don't want to hear from me". And before we stopped talking she would be like "well you will just never talk to me anymore". I don't care what any of them think anymore. Everyone wants to think Jason is this person he isn't. Put him on a pedastool and worship him.. believe everything he says.. do everything he wants... its a phenomenon in our family that even blinded Tim and I for a while. She thinks he is perfect. its not just that he lied about having sex with all his girlfriends. he's over 30... of course he has... but she wouldn't even consider it until he finally told her. its not even all that.. and i wont get into that because i've written about it several times before and it'll just be extremely long and i don't feel like spending too much time on this subject... she thinks thats all it is.. its not just 1 lie. its that he is a liar. THAT is who he is. she compares him to Daniel in the bible. Daniel didn't lie and change who he is just to get into some random chicks pants. Daniel probably didn't sell drugs either. Oh yeah that's right MOM.. your precious son.. drug dealer when he lived in San Diego. Have fun with that one. Seriously I should have never forgiven either of them for accusing me of stealing... they still dont see how horrible that was. And by the way mother... your son and his friend ryan touched me when i was a kid at the copras house. bet he never told you that either. but who cares? She didn't care when he hit me or left a bruise the size of a softball on my arm.. why care about these bits of information? Thats all they are to her. He once called her a fucking retard to her face and she didn't say anything. She heard it because he said it loud and she shook her head. Tim and I heard it. When we asked her about it... she not only got mad at us for suggesting he would say that but then turned it on me saying i MAKE her feel like a fucking retard... what? i just said someone called you something and you get mad at me like i said it??... and we werent talking about me.. if she wants to talk about how i make her feel fine but do it on her own time... we were in the middle of a conversation about jason not me. but this is what she does she deflects all jasons issues or flaws or anything negative at all and puts it on me. Jason is to plastic ball as I am to sponge.... when Tim tried speaking up and saying he heard it and I said see Tim heard it too... she freaked out and said Tim is my God and I beleieve everything he says. what? That night tim and i decided that there is no talking to her. her responses do not make sense to what we are saying. we cant get straight answers and we never will. they are poison. i knew that years ago and kept going back. because what i thought things were supposed to be like or what i thoughtit meant to be a good person. or because ignorant jerk people would judge me for cutting them out. so over that. i get sad sometimes... but I have to write things like this over and over (and i know its annoying) so i remember why i cannot trust them or believe that they can change. they cant and they dont want to. its not them as people i miss or am sad to have lost. It is the idea of ever having a family like the one i think is "right" in my head.

Anyways. went to the doctor. first doctor sent me to 2 other doctors. 1 was ok. other was just like the rest. seeing the ok doctor for follow up soon. tim is calling the bad doctor to complain but its probably pointless. i decided todo things differently than the last times and before i left i asked to see the doctor again. i asked him to consider that he is not right for a second and that i am.. and asked who i would go to. he said the same type of doctor as himself but with experience with this stuff.. he said he would make some calls but i never heard from him and its been over a week. i bet he was just trying to get rid of me. its just annoying because he asked what theother doctors thought and i said the term and then he did his exam and he says to me "ok so the term for this is (insert term i previously told him here)..." um... dude. I told YOU that. Why did he act like I hadn't heard the word before?? The was stupid. I have hope for the ok doctor though. he seemed like he knew what he was tlaking about. this bad doctor was old and probably set in his ways and like a lot of old doctors (in my experience) want to push every situation they cant figure out into the "its all in your head" pile. Lazy

Still no job. Although I am about to apply to 3 right now. I haven't been for a while because I just get annoyed. I'm going to apply to a QA job even though those jobs are fullof young 20 something guys and I'm an old 20 something woman.. but it beats working at starbucks. plus i think i wont be effected by the office politics and drama this time. i dont want to make friends i just want to make money. i mean ok friends would be nice but i need friends my own age for once. and gender.. would be nice. i miss amanda. i keep wanting to apologize for being a jerk to her but i dont know what to say. i was trying to be a good friend to casey... im dumb. he was a terrible friend.. amanda was cool. he only didn't like her because she wasn't "hot" or "cute" or whatever he thought she should look like. I thought she was awesome. i think i might send her a message on fb. or not. idk. The other jobs are web developer type jobs. And then Tim also found a job for me. I will post about it if I hear from them. i'm worried my lack of a job for so long will count against me.

Tims dad is coming out this Thursday. He's bringing his (girl)friend and Tim's grandpa. They're coming early on Thursday while Tim is at work so I will be with them alone... :/ I suck at being with Tims family alone. I never know what to say. It was so awkward when me and his dad were working on the condo. I had NO idea what to talk about. I said all the wrong things. and then i inadvertently stole from home depot.

Just got a text from a producer friend. she is working on a web series and wants me to be PA. I have PA'ed for her before.. i want to apply for this one job and her as a reference would be really good... so i might so i can ask her. but its not even paid... well a gift certificate to the restaurant they are using. idk im on the fence about it.. i guess i have nothing better to do. i wonder if she would still be a reference if i dont? uhg I have to dont i? i want to act not PA... I guess you have to start somewhere. and she's always really nice. I should do it. Or at least 1 of the 2 days. --- left for a bit and just came back--- i realized we ccant do it since tim's dad and gpa will be out. idk how i forgot that since i just wrote about it before this... I'm weird.

On friday i have a meeting with one of my moms friends to help her.. well i'm not exactly sure. i think she wants me to teach her how to use facebook and other social media things. and I think she is going to pay me.. idk i just feel weird taking money for that sort of thing. and i feel weird doing a favor for one of my moms friends because thats pretty much doing a favor for my mom. and that sir is the last thing i want to do. on the other hand... i think she mentioned that after she does teh social media stuff she needs a website and i need more freelance work so it might not be all that bad. sucks that its on friday while tims family is here.. i was going to cancel but i alreadycancelled one to take jefri to the vet.

Yeah so Jefri is old... he's going to be 10 at the end of the year :( He's been getting weaker. His hind legs mostly. he started faling over and not being able to get back up and instead of hopping he would drag his left leg or do this stepping thing. took him to the vet and he's been taking metacam and doing a lot better. he's hopping.. a little wobbly still but not too bad and if he falls over he is able to lift himself back up. the vet wanted to start him on panacur for e cuniculi but based on his current symptoms she decided to treat him with baytril for a middle ear infection. its more expensive but an ear infection for rabbits is a lot worse than some other stuff he could have so i would rather treat for that first just in case.

There should really be an alert system on here. I almost missed those comments on my previous entry because i just dont expect comments on this thing anymore. And if you click "all comments" you get a content encoding error. But yeah I'm glad I didn't miss them because i like comments and one was from "shoe" an old sit d friend i havent talked to in a million years :) I remember driving up to bakersfield to meet him and drawing our faces on the wall of his moms house (she was selling it) much to her dismayyyy. don't worry she got me back (painted my shirt lol)... and I still have the duck purse he made me! lol. And when him and his gf went with us to the beach good times!