I swear I am not this self absorbed in person.. but this is a diary... so its okay...

Its not secret, well on here, that I struggle with depression. For years it had just been my default mode. Not just years but ever since I could remember. Even before Jay. I wasn't happy, I had happy moments even months or years at a time. I think that some of the best times of my life were around 10th and 11th grade. Knowing Jenae. I was close to Vannessa too but it was too hard with her. And she was a back stabber and a liar. I guess Jenae was too in the end. If she wasn't we'd still be friends. Forever my ass. But was easy with Jenae.. and then it was gone. I don't get what happened. Oh well. I got really reallly depressed immediately after we left our church and started going to Vineyard. But then i started coming out of it and things were going so well. I didn't like vineyard but i made some friends and then we went to Sanctuary and I made even more. And I was truly happy. And no one thought i was weird in a bad way. Everyone thought i was unique and funny and interesting. Because I think I was. But its okay to be that way when you are younger.. it wasn't the fact that i was young that made me who I was then. It was just who I was and it didn't change. Everything around me did and it was like overnight it just became a bad thing to be weird. To be me. Which was why I started becoming depressed again after leaving Saugus. Until Tim. But it hasn't gone away completely. It never does. Because even when I have friends, best friends, I feel isolated. Does everyone feel this? Do you every really feel close to someone? And feel like they know you and you know them or not only that but you are just completely comfortable being who you are around them? The only person I've felt that way with is Tim.

People would never guess I suffered from chronic depression because I come off as such a happy person. Most people who meet me don't think "She has aspergers" they think "She has ADHD or she is high drunk or crazy". When I am none of those.. well I actually do think I have ADHD in addition to my AS after some research avout commorbity with AS but I degress..... In some areas I was happy. Overall I couldn't handle anything.. and i know now a lot of it was due to not knowing about my AS and not getting the help I needed. But lately.. and by lately I mean this last year or so.. I was really starting to feel a little better. No pills required. In fact. I haven't taken anti depressants for probably over a year.. maybe more. I forget. And at first it got worse. But then I started feeling better. Lately, as in the last month or 2 or 3.. but especially in the last 2 weeks.. I am spiraling again.. as Timmy's termed it. I know that when more than 1 thing goes wrong its too much for me.. and then another and I panic and i simply cannot look at positives.. everything feels like a weight attached to my heels pulling me under water. And for good reason. Its not just irrational thoughts of self infliction. These are facts. Which is why its so easy to fall into the neverending spiral to my most pathetic place. Yes, Tim's new job is wonderful and will be great in the future. In the very near future even.. in 6 months he will be able to transfer to a higher paying job. But right now we are struggling financially.. and its because of me. I've been out of work 2 years. I've had only a few very very small projects/jobs to bring in some money in that time. I feel guilty for quitting my job at [insert reputable ad agency business here that i dont want to mention because i dont want anyone searching that company and finding me just for the sake of anonymity.] I was making over $21 at the easiest job I've ever had. Yeah I would have had to wuit anyways when we moved but that was at least a year off. When I was working we saved SO MUCH money. Now I feel terrible for buying groceries. I cannot get a job and its because i dont have a BS in computer science or in anything. I dont even have an associates. but there is no money for that right now. So of course its a never ending catch 22. It is my fault we can't have kids. I can't figure out what is wrong with me and neither can doctors. It is because of me that we will be getting even less every month now since he started getting benefits and dependants are expensive. he says it is worth it.