I'm starting to think nothing is supposed to go the way i want it to. nothing. maybe if i want the opposite of what I've wanted.. then maybe it might happen. but you can't fool the universe.
There is always something. in the way or causing problems. always. like today as a very very very small example that doesn't have to do with the situations I'm talking about but its an example... like when tim and i were shopping today for a couch. we went to a few places this week and again today. and at every place its always something that makes it so we cant get a couch. either too big or too small or too hard or too ugly or too expensive or something. and every time it seems like we get a little closer to a purchase but then we realize.. o wait no that or blah? and then we have to start all over. today i thought for sure we were walking out of a store with a new couch. well not literally because we'd get it delivered. but it was really great and it was on sale for almost half what it usually cost. but there was no financing plan. like not even a month or anything. so we didn't get it. i mean we could. but who wants to pay that much at once? especially when we have so much more to get. anyways. i feel like its the same with getting married. closer closer closer and then.. problem. this time.. it was just that the week went by so fast. i didn't even anticipate how much work would go into this move. i really underestimated how sore I'd be mentally and physically. since it was just tim me and alisha. uhg. if bodies didn't get tired we might have been able to do more. and we might be married right now. I've been really sad the past few days. no one understands. everyone has been giving me crap or silently judgmental of my circumstantial lifestyle for years. and its taken a huge toll whether i show it to them or not. and moving in to our own place was like the very last thing that could make it special. but here we are. day 2. and not married. its no ones fault. it just wouldn't work. we are busy. things need to get done. because they're important. i just thought, for once, this would be more important. and i saw it for a second in tim. like he really wanted to. now. and it was top priority. but ii dont know what happened. its like he doesn't even care now. and i tried to bring it up and he thinks i am blaming him. i'm not trying to say that its his fault were still not married. im just saying I just cant help it if it makes me sad when i think about it. and he did say what he said. about doing it before moving in. i wish he didn't. i was becoming more content knowing we would be moving in without being married as the day got closer. and then he said that and i didn't even have time to doubt it.. because i was just shocked he was bringing it up and was too excited to question it. i realize I've grown a little cynical and I don't like being cynical... but when i am not.. things like this happen. and i believe in something that can't be done. how did i think we'd be able to move a whole apartment 30 miles away with 3 people.. and a fridge in 2 days and have enough time to get married the next? its my fault for building it up and I'm stupid. i let myself down. i spoke to soon. speak too soon. I know that we have a lot to do and we'll get to being married when we have time. energy. money. which probably wont be for a while. I don't want to care and I don't I'm just an emotional person. and i feel bad. because i don't want tim to feel like i blame him when i am crying. i just want him to know I am sad because i want to marry him that much that i cant help it. even right now. when i tried to bring it up.. and he just sort of went to sleep without really showing any.. anything.. to what i was saying. i thought it was important to him too. But if it was and he was crying.. i wouldn't just ignore him and go to sleep. especially if he wasnt crying because he was mad or upset with me. but sad and just wanted to be with me. why would you ignore that? people don't make sense.
I'm not upset with him that we didn't get married before moving in. I'm really not because I know it would have been impossible. but he told me he asked his boss for some time off when we were orignally going to do it a little later. like in july. july 1stish. and i asked him to ask his boss for time off. like 1-2 weeks from the 1st. but his boss said no because another team is taking 2 weeks off. so i was like ok. that was before he said he wanted to before we moved in. after he said that i was thinking.. he's off sunday monday so we'll do it sunday and have all day monday to just hang out and not worry about work. but then monday came and he said.. "sometime this week" and then it turned into "sometime next week" and now i dont know what it is.. i think the last thing i heard was "really soon". today he had a mandatory meeting at work from 9:30-10ish. so before he left i suggested maybe asking for thursday friday off. and we'd get married thursday and have all day friday. but. he forgot. i don't think its bad he forgot. i forget things too. but when he said i forgot.. why didn't he just call his boss and ask? because. its all words..? I'm not upset that things aren't happening. I'm sad about that. I'm upset that he isn't following through with what he is telling me. he said he'd call the courthouse. he said he'd ask for time off. i know we're so busy. but some things can wait. painting. can wait. couches and dining tables can wait. floors can wait.
anyways.
so. it wasn't a bad day tho. it was actually a really nice day. a long day. we woke up at 7am. him and his friend gabe moved the fridge into the garage for now. he's going to have bob and some other guy help him move it up here tomorrow. we went to home depot. Alisha left around 3ish. she was staying till thursday but my aunt picked her up. she probably asked to be picked up cuz it was pretty boring in home depot. but we were planning on going to the beach tomorrow or wednesday. o well. we went to the mall. its huge. and really nice. i really like it here. i was afraid of moving but we live near everything. everything is like 5 minutes away. i left my phone at the old apartment.. so since we were planning on getting new ones anyway... we went to verizon and they were really nice. i got a purple phone with bluetooth. we also went to this other store. i forget what it was called but they had a lot of cute clothes. i told timmy to try on some cuz he's been wanting to change his style from jeans and a t shirt to something a little more.. not that? he looked really cute in this blue kellogs shirt with a red and white zip up sweater thing. and no hat. very adam brody. and he's hot so.. and then this brown plaid shirt. tim thought it was too baggy but when he went back in the dressing room the guy at the counter said he looked nice in that shirt.
we came home and discovered... dun dun dun... no more free tv! :[ apparently they caught on.
it was only a matter of time. but hey.. over a year of free tv is a pretty good run.
yesterday me and alisha were watching extreme home makeover and they were building a house for a family of 9. the aunt and uncle adopted their sisters kids because her and her husband died. but the daughter explained how.. and it freaked me out. so like first their dad died in a car accident. and then i guess the mom was dating this one guy.. she broke up with him and started dating a new guy. and i guess one night the ex bf went psycho and broke in and just started shooting at the new bf and the mom. and they died. this is why i wanted my first bf to be my last. because then you don't have to worry about psychos. and since apparently they're just handing out guns these days to just anybody.. its hard not to be a little paranoid. but we have 3 locks on our doors.
we moved all the crap from the living room out. i get the honor of shampooing the carpet tomorrow. since tim will be at work until like 5:30 and we only have the thingy until 6.
my tummay hurts.
tiimy hates me :[
i took a nap today at like 2-3 and i had a mini dream that i was in a pet store and i saw the cutest puppies. like bianca only a little more wolf life but not really but they were really small and furry. :]
i'm tired but i don't want to go to sleep. because in perfect land he would have came out here and gotten me and said that he understands but apparently he doesn't understand me as much as i thought.
i guess i don't understand him that much either. but that isn't really a new thing.
one time. the like 4th out of 5 times I've had a drink of alcohol.. i was a little drunk or buzzed. i forget which. i think i was just buzzed because drunk was the 5 time (and the last time) when i was puking in the sink and walking outside in my panties. BUT. the 4th time i was just a little out of it. but still.. i knew what i was doing. i was in control. we were in our old old apartment when we used to live with Aaron. and we were going to sleep. we were laying in bed talking or just laying.. i forget. and i told him "i love you more than I've ever loved anybody". he didn't respond. and so i repeated myself. and. he didn't respond. I felt like i got kicked in the chest. or the face or just hit with one of those balls they use to tear down houses. yeah. and i just got up and went out to the living room couch and cried and i fell asleep. for some reason i was naked. me and alcohol= wanting to take my clothes off. i guess thats why guys like to get girls drunk. who knows. i just remember it was really hot and i couldn't stand it. anyways. so i went outside in the living room on the couch in a blanket at around 2ish.. I'm dead asleep and i hear Timmy whispering "baby... " and i wake up and I' m all out of it and he tells me to come to bed. and I was like. oh.. ok.. and i go to get up but i forgot i was naked.. but he was like "hold on" and he wrapped the blanket around me and carried me to bed. I don't know. it sounds stupid but it was really sweet. i was really out of it. but i remember it all and it was really nice.. not the first part but at least he cared enough to come get me. now. it doesn't matter if i leave. he wont come get me. why? he knows I'm not going anywhere..............
I want to watch a movie.
i know chick flicks are lame. but i really like becoming Jane. it was great. she falls in love and they are all whatever. but he doesn't' marry her and its ok. she never married her whole life and she became famous and rich and an icon and she did just fine. the stupid guy named his daughter Jane. what an idiot. if you were so in love.. why didn't you marry her? because it was too hard? and then e goes off and marries the first easy tart he find and names his kid after the woman he was too scared to fight for. men are kind of ridiculous.
i remember a long time ago he said it would be easier if i had a job. a little while after i had 2 jobs. still didn't get married tho. but for some reason i still think thats the reason. and i hate myself for not having a job still. and its really depressing actually. but i already know if i got a job, it wouldn't make a difference. nothing is up to me.
I'm just going to shut up and keep my mouth shut about it. if tim wants to marry me.. he will take my hand and drag me to a priest, judge or rabbi. (well I'm sure he wouldn't have to drag me but you know what I mean). until then... when he says stuff about it.. i will smile and nod. and if he doesn't.. i wont be sad. I wont.
i don't want to give up. but i don't really see an option. i wish God would take me home or just fix the situation. I know what would make me happy but I am too tired of believing its possible. Its not. I feel like an idiot. i liked the movie juno. they did things backwards and everyone thought they were cute. why can't we be cute? i think we're cute.
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