So its almost 5 in the am and I haven't gone to sleep yet. not tired, well wasn't.. starting to.. imagine that. but this time its bad because we decided to get up early tomorrow so we can get the ingredients for the pink stuff we forgot. but Timmy is just going to bed right now too. so pink stuff is looking.. nonexistent. I am attempting to make my first thanksgiving meal. i think. i think i made Christmas before. but Christmas isn't like thanksgiving. yeah i definitely have not. my mom sent me ingredients for stuffing and turkey but not directions. she said i could call and have her walk me through it. its hard to get mad at something like that but i am. and i don't feel like explaining why right now. its just dumb and I'm tired of dumbness. hopefully i don't ruin thanksgiving. tonight we decided that the old tv was an eye sore. Timmy wanted to call someone to pick it up but.. i wanted to gut it out and use the shell as 2 little houses for jefri since its rainy now and his boxes are smashed :[ so he played bad company while i had fun taking it apart. but i was like in the heart of it and i am removing this screw on these magnify things.. and all this crazy gelly goo comes out.. and i freaked out. it scared the butt off me.. and it got all over my pants. so i took them off immediately and i dunno what happens next but Timmy starts opening the curtains and I'm standing right in front of the glass door in my unmentionables! it was embarrassing. I mean not because I'm fat and gross or something.. I'm 105 whooo! but what if our creepy neighbors saw? uhg. gross. so anyways.... after taking apart a tv as big as our old one.. there were bits of tv everywhere.. everywhere. i was cleaning up and asked Timmy if i was messy.. on a scale of 1-10. he said I'm a 6 but he said thats a lot better than a 9 or 10 because they don't pick up their messes and i always do.. but that i sure can make one :/ hee. I've been feeling kinda sick the past couple days. it was going away but i feel it coming again. I hope it doesn't get worse than this or I dunno how great tomorrow is gonna look. bah. we get our kitten on Friday YAY! We already got the bathroom ready for her. they said to keep her in a small area for the first couple weeks to get used to the house and such. anyways....... I'm too tired for this. I had a great dream last night. it started out horrible. actually it was very horrible. i was dying and Timmy was holding me. but it ended beautiful. it involved a gun. a person i don't like and the highly underestimated triumph of a girls long awaited revenge. too bad some dreams just can't come true... but its thanksgiving and I'm thankful for the dream at least :] I am even more thankful for my beautiful husband who is nothing but amazing every second of my life. We don't just share a marriage license, and love, and a home, and a future, and a friendship, but the deepest connection I've ever felt with anyone. a desire to understand. a desire to thrive and push through and press forward and grow and become who we are supposed to be together without breaking each other down. I am thankful for his amazing compassion, grace, and acceptance of who i am on every level. i will never have to feel unaccepted or not good enough when i am with him. and I hope he knows that there is nothing he could do to make me love him less. he has helped me through every situation I've ever had to get through. even things from my past that i hadn't dealt with. things I didn't know how to get rid of. things i never said out loud and when i did.. they sounded really ridiculous. he tells me when he thinks i am wrong. he tells me when i am right. he knows more about me than anyone and he is the only person i trust or want to trust. he is the only person who has given me hope that not every person i care for in my life will hurt me, let me down, disappoint me, betray me, or leave me. And thats actually a huge things i needed to figure out, because i was starting to think that wasn't true. I know i push people away. I don't trust anyone. I don't want to. and I think i have a lot of awesome reason why i shouldn't. and some people more than others don't deserve to be trusted. not by me anyways. but no one has ever grabbed my hand and held me back and said "nope. your not going anywhere.. i want you here". i don't know. its a good feeling. i love you more than yams. ew i hate yams... ok i love you more than that pink stuff :]