she is so psycho. i dont know how she does it. she says that she's been "put into this position" of blah blah blah whatever.. but its like.. she put herself there. I dont even want her there. I dont want her. I hate her. I want her to leave. I used to think of my life after i move out as.. a life that included her. But its just like that star wars movie. where he sees the future and he tries to change it to make things better but its actually him who is the cause for all the crap. And thats her. She is aniken. shes freaking thought it would be one way and it woulndnt and she tried to change things but in the end.. shes just making it worse. She doesnt even see it. If she would just go away. Im not perfect ok. She wants a perfect little princess. And she wants me to be what she couldnt even be. Im so much better than she ever was at my age.. she was pregnant out of wedlock at my age and into partying and smoking and drinking and screw her. she has no room to tlak to me. she wouldnt even talk to grnadma. I talked to her about everythig and still STILL she would say i tell er nothing. that i lie to her. so i started telling her nothing and lying because I was sick of getting accussed of something that wasnt true and i couldnt do anything to stop the accusations so why not.. give in. she was nothing at my age. She wasnt even thinking of the things i think about. she doesnt know me for crap. it makes me sick that she still thinks she does. I wish she would stop doing stupid things for me too. seriously... she just throws it all back in my face after the fact. she uses everything against me. thats the only motive she has for doing it in the first place. like my freaking car. i dont even want to be here. its not fair of her to put all this crap on me.. i didnt sign up for this crap. I want to just pack up and leave everyone. I dont even know why timmy wants this. Im not even good enough for him. ive been thinking about that alot actually. and after tonight its just like.. he gets a bigger look at what he's getting himself into. I would run myself. But i cant run out of my skin. he has an advantage. I hate myself and i hate my mom. its so hard.. i cant even say anything to her. i dont know how to express myself. she puts words in my mouth. i never ever tell her its all her. I know its not. i hate her act. she makes me want to hurt myself. like before. and its so tempting right now. cuz the pysical pain soaks up the emotional pain. the more it hurts the better it feels when you stop. i always got mad at jenae for cutting but she was right. it helps. it heals the heart. I miss her. howd this get onto jenae? weird. i just dont know what to do right now... im rambling. i just want to leave and i cant.. just keep writing i guess. until i cant write anymore... but i have nothing to say. i hate myself.
and he didnt hug me
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