finishing title... I'm just venting about things that probably don't make sense.. and its all my fault anyways....

hey.. so ok...

As if life isnt hard enough... it gets harder...

I dont think I should talk about that tho. Brett still doesnt know this "thing" (no one does really... a selected few.. uh my mom does)its something else God told me but I'm not going to say anything until I know its true because I really dont know.Like with the whole "break up with brett" thing it proved to be true time and time again... so if this other thing is true.. it will show eventually. not that I want it to be true. ugh. or something.. maybe I do and I just dont know it.. I really dont understand it how I feel about it. or anything. I love brett tho. I know that. and Im scared of losing him. even tho deep down I know I probably will. otherwise this "thing" isnt true. Vannessa was right when she said she isnt sure if God telling me these thigns was good or bad.. cuz it just makes me more crazy and stressed out.

Well, yeah I dont know what to say. i read his journal.. and I have been hiding feelings from my family to be with him.. but now I am hiding feelings for him from myself. and him. how is that right? Its confusing but I dont care.. Vannessa asked me today "what isit this time that keeps you from calling him?" cuz I tried talking to him already and it wasnt healthy or right. For either of us. It was stressful and confusing. So I will for once just obey God and see the outcome instead of trying to make my own way. And I have tried, havent I? I'd like to think so...

Maybe this is all my fault. But why? Why is it always my fault? Everything I do isnt ever enough. He says now that he thinks it is a good idea to wait... why now? Why did he try so hard to convince me to stay with him... why didnt he hear me when I told him over and over and over that this was God.. I said it was test and he wouldnt listen to me.. and finally I give in and after all that.. after we are both hurt several times.. and fail the test..he realizes it was God... it could have been over. Im not saying its his fault at all... cuz I can make my own decisions and I chose to be with him. But gosh, its like "yeah that is a good idea"... I KNOW! maybe I am just getting mad cuz thats the easiest thing to do right now... I think so. so I'm sorry or something. But also, he says that things between us "went way to fast and got very out of hand"... um yeah, I know that.. after we broke up I told him I didnt even want to kiss anymore and when we got back together I gues he forgot. So how is it I feel like its my fault for that? Why is it my job to have all the self control? How is that fair? I have hormones too... and yet I am supposed to pretend Im a perfect little robot while he lives out the phrase "boys will be boys". I knew we were going to fast. And he knew it too he says now. Well if he knew why didnt he say anything? Like I wouldnt have listened to him.

i think the guy in the relationship should know what his limitations are before they begin a relationship and talked them through with their girlfriend so everything is clear. sticking to them, having the self control, and respect for her and himself to wait. Im not saying brett didnt respect me cuz he did.. this has nothing to do with that so shush... and Im not saying its all on the guys chest but to an extent ya know? and the girl should have self control too obviously but not all of the pressure.. for me itd be nice if it was the guy initiating the first kiss or holding hands.. and knowing when to stop. Not having to peel them off of you. Knowing what your boundaries are before hand.. maybe thats where we went wrong. it is my fault. I dont know how to say no. Youd think I would learn by now. But I cant. Well I can.. to an extent. I can say it, but with a little pressure I crumble. I need to work on it. ANd with this time I know it will happen. i'll grow. But yeah I was stupid. I dont care.. Im just saying. Its too late now anyways. Im still on my period.. so yeah I sound bitter, boo to me. But you'll just have to live with it... cuz lets face it... this is my diary.

Brett used to say that what attracted him to me was that I was pure.. well it isnt true anymore. He says it still but he is fooling himself if he believes that. Look up pure in the dictionary. He said our relationship was pure.. thats a lie too. I dont know how he could think that. Its ironic how I had my purity and lost it when stuff started happening.. i thought the ring was only promising that I would wait till marriage to have sex.. uh no. its a "purity" ring.. and I didnt stay pure.. and I lost it just like I lost my purity. Its ok. Ive accepted that fact. but I dunno.. I cant remember my point and my head hurts.

But basically I am just venting and complaining because I am confused and this is what I do when Im confused.. put all my thoughts out for no good reason. Yeah its great being stupid.

But gosh, with all that said. Not like it even matters anymore, but.. Im gonna wait to kiss.. and if I have to.. wait to hold hands.. or at least put longer time period until I do. I want the next guy I am with to be the guy in my future. I am not thinking of marriage and have this crazy desire for it. I just dont want to be put into any temptations or risks.. I know this wont be for an uberly looong time. Im just saying. Sounds dumb to some (haha that rhymed) but its better safe than sorry. And I am sorry. really sorry. to God, myself, my mom and brother, and brett. not in any order of course.

But anywho, on a lighter note.. I was making shirts (cuz thats what I do to pass time now) and I cut my finger with DULL scissors! ouch.. so I had to go to the dr.. and the lady was nut. She creped me out and wrapped my thumb like a bajillion times. Now I can say I cant stick my left thumb up my nose.. cuz before I could. ew. I got a B on my history test! woot! history is my worst subject so Im super happy for that. I went to girls bible study with my favorite spatula. that was fun. I read thru the pay againa nd then read a psalm 27. good stuff. I'm gonna go read some more when I get off this thingy cuz I have the hurge to herbal. I made a braclet...

k bye.