I don't even want to go into the details of this ridiculous day. never has there been a more contradicting person in my life than that whom birthed me. Without a doubt, the most controlling person DARED to call me controlling. as many people are from time to tim, I have often admitted to being so in my own life, admittedly more than most on occasion and would even go as far as to say, more than most. But I do not try to control other people. and I never controlled my mother. if she wants to count being 5 or 8 or however old i was when i threw temper tantrums in a grocery store.. controlling.. then thats her issue. I was a child. and i can not change how i reacted to things. she was the adult. she refuses to take any constructive criticism on the issue, while i sit back and listen to her constant nagging about absolutely everything. no, i did not control my mother. she controlled me and i let her think she could. the only reason she cant control Jason is because he doesn't let her. not that she wouldn't if given the opportunity. she had no right to say that to me today. to take the ONE thing that i accuse her of that i have countless examples to back up.. and turn it around on me. playing the victim. who is the mother? not me. for whatever i am, is the result of being in that death house. and to that she says that i accept no responsibility. on the contrary mother.. i accept how i was raised or not raised.. and i adapt the best way i know how with the resources i have been provided. but i can not use what isn't there. and i think i have done a pretty sufficient job of filling in the voids. Tim has never complained of me nagging him, and he has never told me i am controlling. because i NEVER want to be that person. I never want to try to change someone else for my benefit or convenience. and i ask him all the time.. i tell him he has full permission to be brutally honest. he knows if he wanted to say i was, he could. i would rather know what i am than have people pretend what i am not. and i am not controlling of anyone else but myself. and my life. which is an issue i am working on. but so is everyone else. i do accept responsibility for my actions. i know it goes both ways. but it would have never gotten to this point, if the PARENT didn't stick the blame on the CHILD and play victim in every situation. If my son was hitting my little girl... i would slap him silly before i ever let him lay a finger on her again.. he would know.. and she tries to justify it with the fact that i would have tim to back me up and she was a single mom.. screw her! father or no father.. tim or no tim.. my freaking son would not ABUSE his LITTLE and LITTLER helpless sister. it wouldn't happen, married or not. she's got a lot of balls saying that. i should have ended the conversation at that. and again when my brother came up.. and the same crap got said.. and i love how i say something like.. "its not like you say this... blaah blah blah" and she says.. "how do you know i don't say that??" lol. how does that tell me if she did or not.. it just says.. i don't know.. and if she did then she's right because she hasn't told me ever. and to all my issues with jason and him hitting me and blah blah blah.. she says that he told her something about that that "made a lot of sense to her" what the hell does that mean? like something that justifies him hitting me? i don't care how big a brat your little sister is, which i wasn't as bad as people make me out to be... i was unheard... maybe they should have listened. and she say she didn't want to talk about it.. like at another time i would have a different reaction to whatever it would have been had she just told me then. but no. and you know why? because she had nothing! a pathetic ploy to defend her "delusion in my head" her masterpiece.. jason. if she didn't just say that to end the conversation, and get me wondering about what he could possibly have that "makes sense".. she would have just said it.. but no.. she has to go figure something out.. something good. and prepare a speech and come back fully loaded. what a bunch of crap.i'm sick of her being the victim. i am sick of pretending she is right and going along with it and feeling guilty for no reason. in the beginning of the conversation she said i never say anything but negative things to or about her.. !!! what??? all day i was nothing but nice to her. asking what she wanted to do for lunch or what she wanted. trying to make it nice for HER. Offering her money that i do not have.. because i have been thinking about her all week feeling like i needed to. and i don't think of her? and i hate her? i think she just likes to think that because she knows things are normal then. the stars are aligned and everything makes sense. it doesn't matter that she told me a year ago to forget paying her back and in the car even said she had written that off a long time ago. and yet i tell her i want to give her pretty much the only money i have, and she acts entitled. barely a thank you. and an accusation of me not caring about her feelings and thinking of her. well screw her. i can't do anything right and nothing is ever good enough and she stole that line not too long ago too. its a good tactic. i give her props for that.. but its ridiculous. everything i have ever called her, she turns around and digs until she can call me the same not too long after.. but i don't have to dig. its just there. she says something negative to me EVERY TIME i see her. EVERY time. at least once... and she called me a negative person. maybe i feel weird and uncomfortable going to a new church OR A church at all for the first time in years? or maybe because i was having a bad morning? at least i am the same to everyone.. whether thats a little moody or awesome.. but thats better than her.. being and polite and courteous to absolutely everyone BUT me. that sucks more I'd say. and i am judgmental. i don't get her. and the worst part is, what am i going to do? i can't have a wedding. tim is stressed with financed and i don't blame him. i thought i would have a job a long time ago. i am so overwhelmingly depressed about who i am and what is going to happen and where I'll end up.. and why doesn't anyone want to hire me? and wanting to give up. and now i have to deal with this crap. and other crap. on top of crap. the only thing good in my life is tim. in the words of alisha, i suck at life.. too. i really do.
huh, well i guess i did kinda go into details after all. o well.
timmy is...
my american heart- tired and uninspired
Home, was always quiet 'til the sun went down.
But we were stowaways.
Yeah, we were so afraid.
So, we ran out of town.
From everyone who was calling us out.
Relax, relax.
Exhale and breathe, just breathe for me.
You are the earth beneath my feet,
You are my gravity.
Cause lately I've been tired and uninspired.
Cause lately I've been tired, oh-so tired.
Oh, they're not frame,
Oh, it went away.
You knew you had to leave and couldn't stay.
Be strong for me, I'll be strong for you.
Be strong for me, I'll be strong for you.
You are the earth beneath my feet,
You are my gravity.
Cause lately I've been tired and uninspired.
Cause lately I've been tired, oh-so tired.
And be strong for me.
And be strong for me.
And I'll be strong for you, oh, you.
You are the earth beneath my feet,
You are my gravity.
Cause lately I've been tired and uninspired.
Cause lately I've been tired and uninspired.
You are the earth beneath my feet,
You are my gravity.
You are the earth beneath my feet.
You are my gravity.
Cause lately I've been tired and uninspired.
Cause lately I've been tired, oh-so tired.
Read 0 comments