i never would. but am i the only person who ever feels like just catfishing people? not to be mean.. just to connect but not as yourself. nothing sexual just whatever. just for friendship. just to disappear into another realm. thats why people love video games. why i did anyways. zone out completely and forget about reality. i hate being me sometimes. lately all the time.
how can someone else love you if you dont love yourself. i said such nasty things to him. and that fight is probably our last. i dont know what to do. i dont want to lose him. i love him and i know he loves me. he has to. had to. something changed. was it me or him? We havent had sex in a week. i feel so ugly and insecure about it.
on the bright side.. if there is one.. all this stress has made me super skinny. i dont know. the only thing to really feel good about anymore is weight and body image. its the only thing i can control somewhat. maybe not overall but i can control if i get fat. and maybe thats why i get so obsessed with what i look like. i have no control over anything.
he broke my phone but i also broke his. mine was $600 tho. his is $40. not that it matters. he's broken so many of my things tho. but i do feel bad regardless. its not a contest. sometimes i feel like he thinks it is and he has to always win who hurts who the most. and maybe he feels the same. i dont mean to. i dont want these things to happen. but now i have no way to contact him and it is killing me. i know he has his laptop but he wont respond to my email or fb messages. the emails just my fb messages. but i didnt know if he had access. idk. i tried calling in case maybe he got another phone after i left. he has malcolm toay. overnight. if not i might have stopped by and tried my best to fix this. but he's a wild card. and i didnt want him to be mean and me to freak out about it and it cause a fight while malcolm is there. we are good about not fighting around malcolm. I wish he was around all the time sometimes for that reason. at the same time he uses him as an excuse to put off issues. im so tired. but i wont sleep.