So I asked Nick out and that went...well, I think.

My second date I had planned... didn't go so well. He bailed the last minute.

I thought I had to judge dates on how well they went, but apparently I should be judging them on the fact that they happen or not. So juss cuz Nick showed up made it all good.

He said he got off work at 5. I texted around 5, asked if he wanted to go to dinner. Now that I think about I'm surprised he texted me back. I wonder if I had never texted him in the first place if he would have texted me at all that night... hmmm...

Anyways, he asked questions about the night, when and where, and then he asked if he had to pay for anything. Weird. I assured him that since I asked him he did not have to pay for anything... and I carried on as if he was still attempting to attend this date with me, silly me....

I asked his address as I realized I didn't know where to pick him up. He texted back and said he didn't have dinner yet cuz he was still at work, by then it was around 6pm. So the natural question in my head.... how long are you going to be at work?..... But instead I was getting the hint and asked "do you still want to come?"

His reply: "I did say I would, I think it's only fair/right that I follow through. But, in short notice is there any one else you can think of to invite?"

Now, if we were to analyze that for a minute... First of all it kinda pisses me off when the guys say/acknowledge there is a right and wrong here and then hint toward doing the wrong thing, as if acknowledging they are doing the wrong thing makes it right somehow? Whatever. Its stupid. Obviously he doesn't want to do the fair/right thing. And then IF he did do the right thing, how do you think that would make me feel? Cuz now he implies that he's obligated to do such.

None of this says he 'wants' to do anything. And if he did want to give me a chance I would think most boys would schedule for another time to show they aren't totally blowing you off (unless they ditch that one too). But he made no attempt to re-schedule at another time.

So ya see, I'd like to believe that he had a legit reason, but if you notice he didnt really give a reason/excuse... I can only assume he had to stay late for work and he didn't think he'd make it to the show on time? Or he didn't want to try? Or he was unsure based on the many questions he asked before hand?

I sent a snappy, "No, its okay. You dont have to come," back to him.

I had texted him the day before to confirm. I asked him if he had any excuses to get out of this date yet and he said no, well, he never says yes or no which bugs the crap out of me. The only answer he ever techincally gave me was "don't see why not". Reminds me of Levi and Nate, and I love them, but I hate them for their complicated wording. It makes conversations with them so hard and strained.

Apparently he found a reason why not an hour beforehand.

He texted with a "I can't tell you how BAD I feel for doing this to ya."

What am I supposed to say to that?

So I didn't say anything. And prolly won't ever say anything to him again.

Anyways I texted my roommate Cassie and asked if she wanted to come to the theatre with me. Silly kids nowadays when someone says theatre they think of a movie theatre. She's going to be 22 and asked me what movie. Sigh. Its live theatre. Ever heard of it? So we went and we bonded and did things friends would do and I think it was good for us, individually, as roommates, as friends. I was glad the stress of the night was gone.

But I couldn't help but feel like something was wrong with me.

That night I didn't know how I felt about being ..not really stood up... but ya know. I juss told others and let their reactions settle with me before deciding how I felt. Everyone elses reactions were anger. I didn't feel that way, at least not so much anger I spouted off names like 'jerk' like they did, but enough to know that he was a jerk and a coward.

But the next day I felt...gloomy. I thought it was cuz of the weather, all cloudy and gloomy, but when I got to church I realized it was because I felt sad for myself. And again I felt like maybe there was something wrong with me. As Grandma always sings to me, "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms." I mean he was the one stalking me at all the stake activities. He was the one clearly interested in me. I knew he'd eventually ask me out, right? So I did it first so it'd be my terms. And then he shows no interest. What the hell? Clearly he showed more interest in me than I did for him, so it wasn't totally a heart break, but still I was willing to give it a chance.

Of course when it comes to choosing anger in order to defend or choosing sadness cuz of your self esteem and imperfections, a lot of ppl, like me, choose to be sad and not fight for themselves. I mean generally I'm not going to let that get me down and make me feel like crap forever.

But for about 30 minutes I think I'm allowed to have a small pity party.

Unfortunatley, this pity party decided to start when I sat next to Nick in church. I realized how nice he was and how grateful I was that he actually showed up, that he actually came when he said he would, and he didn't blow me off. I juss wanted to hug him so tightly and thank him for being a good guy, something rare.

But instead I bowed my head and tears streamed down my face. Now, if I was sitting next to Evan he would have NO idea I was crying. He could never tell if a girl was crying. But I think, Nick only having sisters, is a little more aware of sniffling sounds and wiping eyes. Embarrassing.

I didnt want anyone to know that I let some random guy made me feel so worthless for like 30 minutes. I'd get over it. That's not the attitude, the facade, I show most ppl. Usually I'm more sassy and willing to fight for myself. But as a human, and a woman who is naturally hard on herself, I have weak moments when I let things get to me. That's certainly not the side of me I wanted to show Nick.... Tears tend to make boys run. I tried to be so quiet and discreet. We both moved on like nothing happened. He's certainly not brave enough or cares enough to ask me, right? Right. We'll pretend that never happened...