Alright. It's official.

I don't think I fit AnYWHeRe in the whole dating world.

I went to the guest speaker tonight who talked on dating, like the basics, like flirting, asking for numbers, how to talk, what to talk about, etc. Just getting to the first date period. And even people who want to date think this is hard and awkward and blah blah. But then there's me. I'm not even remotely interested in taking that step, let alone attempting the hard and awkward.

And then there is that dating class Ma wanted me to take and there are a bunch of older divorced people there and I do not feel I fit in at ALL and I'm trying to relate and take what I can from that class, but I'm not there!

So between the beginning horrors of dating and the ending horrors of divorcing and taking a class on how not to mess it up the second or third time, I just feel... with my relationship right now that I'm stuck in the middle with no desire to go either way.

Yes, I compare my current relationship with the boy with that beginning dating class and think we are so far from that moment of getting the girls number and it was somewhat unpleasant the first time, I have NO desire whatsoever to do that again in the near future.

And then I compare my relationshipw with the boy to the older dating class and see just how wrong this is going. Analyzing the simple statement that the boy and I are "compatible" and finding out the real definition and that we are not really as compatible as we think, as we hope, as we cling to. He could spew forth many reasons why would would be good together and they sound reasonable, until you take this class and now I'm thinking... "Well, no, actually..." and I only see the predictable ending of divorce if I continued my relationship with the boy, like so many did in that class.

I'm in the middle, I'm stuck, I'm not dating, I'm not happy, I'm not marrying, I'm not getting divorced either. And I dont Want To! I'm just... a Not. I'm just a ... don't go there. I'm just a ... not happenin' anywhere in the near future. These things are not desireable.

And I'm not some 25 freaking out that I'm not married yet and popping out babies. I'm simply realizing how hard relationships are and finding many reasons why singles don't want to participate in such dating rictuals.

A lot of these classes and things have to do with maturity. My #1 in looking for a mate. First of all, the maturity to realize you need to take the class and therefore show up. (how many other kids in their 20's were at this class? Yea, prolly just me) Second of all to be mature emotionally in order to maintain a relationship, let alone physically, financially, spiritually, etc. And I'm sorry, but at my age, I am NOT finding mature boys. I'm just not. I can't even find a mature guy in his 30's.

They think telling a joke will make a girl stop crying. They don't take financial situations very serious unless their job is in jeopardy. They don't know what major to do, they dont know what they want to be when they grow up, they do those dead end jobs to get through school, they just dont know what they want! And I do! And apparently, that is rare.

I thought I didn't fit in anywhere spiritually as far as churches and groups. I finally gave up trying to fit in and thought might as well stick to the place I'm 'supposed to be in' cuz it doesn't matter, no matter where I go I don't fill like I fit in. And now I don't feel like I fit in anywhere on the dating scale. Even if I were doing the beginning dating I'd prolly only attract the 19 yr olds cuz they think I'm like 18 or something.

And everything is the extreme. Ma says if they are divorced to run away because of the..ya know, history there. But then there's the young 20 something year old that has no clue what marriage or a relationship is like and I'm supposed to marry that idiot? Maybe I'm supposed to or its okay to marry an older, divorced someone who has some experience in marriage. Maybe I'm supposed to marry the returned missionary who has only had one relationship in his life. I dunno.

No such thing as normal. Esp after age 26. haha. Right now its not really about having patience to know that one day I will find someone and get married, its more like having patience and believing that its even possible to find someone like that out there. I dont care when, but is it possible? I guess thats between God and some unsuspecting soul.