it's been a little over two months and we've kept clear of nonsense. I am proud of us. In the first few weeks I would have dreams where I would make mistakes and I remember feeling a great deal of shame and sadness. Had I actually tumbled, I am sure the intensity of the feelings would be multiplied eight-fold. I love my brain, my languages, and being present. These treasures will be preserved.

Now there's someone very dear to me that's in danger. It's crazy, it's like my subconscious has been preparing itself for decades.

I've heard a great deal of people assert that there is this flow of water, "don't go against the current". It is mad to go against the current, I understand that now. I cannot be in control, I can only respond and even then those actions must be taken with great care and consideration. The truth is that I care. I am fine with saying it and writing it. To love is to be generous. Just as when a word is repeated, unmeasured generosity can lose meaning as well.

Love. To open up my heart is to welcome vulnerabllity. Hahaha my thoughts.

I can see the patterns. The flags are waving. The time to plan is here. All I can do is express compassion, offer an analysis, and plant as many seeds as possible.

I have death on my side.

I can say this because I have taken that path and I know what I would do in the case that it were a possibility. I am aware that my actions can create a ripple effect.

I can also say that the acceptance of death is freeing my essence from the box that is my ego. I will not be consumed by my ego again. I must find my way through these distractions. The words will come. I must read more and learn as much as I can so that I can organize the words needed to share the seeds. What is the objective? Share the seeds. I am not the person that is control of the reaction or repsonses... I will learn to let go. I accept death. I accept life. I have been on both ends of that spectrum and have made my way out of that prison.

I am here.