i pick at the skin of my thumbs and sometimes i tear at the skin that surrounds my other nails. they're so dry. it feels good to rip it off and see the blood. any time i'm cooking or washing my hands i feel that burn and it puts me at ease. for a second or two, depending on the liquid, the stinging feeling puts me on my toes and i imagine my body secretes chemicals to relax my state. there's a fire in me; i control the site of pain.

when i went to have my wisdom teeth extracted, once under the gas i felt so free. i could hear and feel the metal instruments grind against my other teeth. i never wanted to come to. i was ready to endure the consequences. it disturbs me, all of this.

what i would really like to do now is staple my wrist to the desk. i hear someone working on drilling something into a wall. i'm imagining what it would look like to run the drill through my arm into the desk. i hear an instructor talking about blood spill procedures. the irony, right?