i am awake, it is 2:29am and i am awake. i just got back from a club, it was nice.

no more losing my cool, just smooth sailing. the guy to woman ratio in the 21 and over room was hilarious. the first time i got asked to dance i just kind agreed but brushed off the advance-message received. the second time the guy just crept up behind me and held on to my waist and hand and i just, no. it was very sensual, i admit that. hahahahha closer is playing. perfect. anyways, i was swept away by a gay acquaintance and we danced. thank you oscar!! and the third time, the guy slowly joined in the circle and eventually asked me to dance. as soon as i shrugged and said yes, he started spinning me and i said noooo... not like that. i just can't be led like that. i don't like it. it's hilarious, i make a funky face whenever someone tries to dance like that with me. he understood and we danced on my terms, it was funny. fun as well. he asked for my number after and i told him i wasn't looking for anything beyond being an acquaintance or a friend. he said friend was good for him so there we go. the guy danced well. i'm more of a lone wolf... i can't really dance with another person, or guys i guess. it's easier with ladies... i guess the whole crotch bulging out frightens me. oh god i can still remember when that guy got close and eeeeew.

the clubbing thing isn't quite my cup of tea, soccer would be better but i'll settle for that, the gym, and running.

yeah. still gotta work on the high heels thing... fuck it, i like my flats lol. seriously, i'd rather be able to dance well, for many hours, than look really blah blah.

i was thinking about what friends had said about clubbing, how it was for single people...

it is, and i really do enjoy it :) so long as it's on my terms.

i would like a dress though, i do admit that much lol oooh but not the colored top, high waisted black bottom dresses... everyone and their mother wears those. i know, because it's very flattering for many figures but i don't waaant that. i'll find a dress one of these days :)

i'm just smiling all over the place, look at me. eeesh. good night huh? yeah.

i guess i've finally begun to accept that i am attractive, i can manage to dance, and i'm okay.

i think that's the first time i've ever written that. "i'm okay".

it feels really good. i want to write that dozens and dozens of times over and over.

what happened last week, i figured it out.

last week i was intoxicated, it was only in that state that the guy would ever be able to get close. that state, me in that state, too easy. that was but was not me. i'm blunt, opinionated, and very passionate. when i talk, i really listen, i mean words and everything. i'm pretty good at telling when a person lies and well, had i been sober i would have grabbed him by the ankle, chewed him up, spit him out, and laid him up to dry in the sun while sprinkling salt and vinegar on his wounds. but noo, i had passed out. shame on me. it's fine though, now i know. now i know.

if i ever see him again, oh we'll have a nice talk him and i, yes we will.

there is, a house in new orleans

they call the rising sun

and it's been the ruin of many a poor boys

and god i know i'm one