there is no certificate, degree, or anything else that can change it. the pieces have fallen into place and now i watch in repulsion. what happened? how did we get here? what did we do? this is madness. no arrangement of words can change them. how easy it must be to resort to that. their chances of getting caught are slim. my vision shouldn't wander too far, I lie-I do it every day and i've done it for the last year. i've lied about so much. i'm afraid of dissapointing them. what would happen if they knew? no sleep for months and months. i'm about ready to break this pedastal.

is this what it is to be an adult? to accept the worst and live on with all these incongruencies? this is why everyone's sick. i want out. this isn't for me.

the medication i'm on numbs everything. i'm disconnected from my body; the world could end tomorrow and i could care less. i don't deserve all of this. i lie. i've lied. i keep lying. i've become what i despise in so many ways.

i'll never forget the night. august 3rd. 12 am. 2012. i had a blind faith in this person. i actually believed they valued our friendship. he was my mentor. i thought he saw something in me. from then on its been the same stupid story over and over again. i've watched each person just stand their with their desire. disgusting. each time its happened a little light goes off and the world shrinks. how easy it is for them to take. fucking leeches.

i want to know if there's more to this than what i see. every part of me wishes for something more than this. all i have left is a shell of what used to be-the parts that make up the whole are no where to be found. if i don't have my word what the fuck do i have???? what makes me less repulsive????