i dont know. thats it, i just dont know. its taken me a few years to realize that..augh, writing it down brings me bloody shame. thinking of it... i cant, always stop myself. just always using, to make it go away..hoping ill be cured...waiting for a friggin remedy. just wont leave, what am i supposed to do? thats always the question, isnt it? i guess so, since i and many others seem to be asking it. what would happened? what would have happened if i succeeded? (no mood to spell correctly)if i had just chosen not to go with them? if i had chosen to go outside instead? would i still be this way? would she be so aggressive?... i guess i just dont know. always blaming, never searching for the source...terrible. remenecing brings anguish. if only there was a way, if only i knew...i do know...coward's way out..am i a coward.. mmm well, looking back at the choices ive made..i'd say yes...so why not?...well..."lemme tell you somethin bout the cold war" eeeh naaaa...kidding just kidding. my right hand's always cold, wonder why. shake shake shake brrrr. i dont like sunsets. been feeling kind of dry. again and again and again, using just using..never pausing to think how much i.. thats my problem, always using just to get over the fact that.. and finally when i do start developing an appreciation..its always too late. im terrible. damn it. fuck self pity, i want to change. im sick of this, i want change! how? i know how, by accepting it. ok, i accept the fact that i ... oh and there's saying it too...mm i really dont want to admit it, but i know i must eventually... this is terrible. ok...here we go..imbi. HAH!!! THERE DAMNIT! I SAID IT MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! heeeeeeeeeeeh take that... tahts right, to both..attracted toooooo boooth... heeeh... big woop.. right. ooookkkk.... and now what do i do next?