would it be easier? not sure. would i risk it again?...maybe?..not sure...it would be...if only...sometimes i think, if only i hadnt thrown it all up...if only i could of kept it down... it was stupid... yet somehow i pulled through. im surprised... a few days ago i was bored...class ..zzZZz.. pulled out my lovely blue penny, and started to doodle on the back of my notebook. i didnt care where the lines went, i didnt care how many lines there were.. nothing really mattered...as long as i was distracted...gone. it worked out pretty well... once again, i was pretty shocked...still have it. thing was, what troubled me wasnt the fact that i had it and wasnt utilizing it..no, what was bothereing me was... remembering... in the middle of the day... walking to class... saying hi, getting my brushes and pencils... and being given the freedom to do what i wish... that freedom... the fact that i knew that i could draw whatever i wished..the fact that there were no limits...the fact that she allowed me... i dont know really.... in a way, she opened the gates... she gave me the OK to smear my brains out on paper... if it wasnt for that... i dont think id be here... who knows how far i would have gone... the thought still frightens me. i dont know how to thank her i dont know how to cope. is this it? she's ill, and idont know what ill do. i dont know what her family will do. i showed her the drawing, it was of a blue tree. it had many branches; the tree wasnt similar to the other ones i've drawn in the past. when i showed her, and told her, i was reminded of her... blurry eyes and a hug followed. then she said thank you. i dont know. she said thank you. she said thank you, she said thank you. compusure followed and so did other classes. and i went to the library, when i exited, she was at the very corner of the school looking out into the grass, wiping something from her eye. she said thank you, and blurred vision followed.