i close my eyes and the images of that night flood my mind. the grief that fills me triggers a shift, a door is opened and, for the first time in a long time, i can shed tears for myself. The tears role down my face and tickle my cheeks. the water gathers at the edge of my nostrils and drips. i set my head down and give in to the memory, the sadness envelopes me.

it was a dark room, your room was dark. i remember laying there in disbelief. this is happening. your desire, i remember your desire.

i close my eyes and take a deep breath, close my eyes and let them roll down.

i cared. for the first time i cared. i opened up. i wished, for the first time i wished for something. it's not my time yet.

i thought i was good enough. i thought i meant something different, i thought you saw me.

i'm not in a dark place. i'm hurt. i don't want to use the company of others as an escape. i want to enjoy my solitude. i don't want to use people. i don't want to give them the wrong idea. this hurts.

there is no such thing. i see that now.

i want to be set free.

i am the only person that can set myself free. no longer do i hold my tears hostage, they move freely. this is the beginning.