i feel like i'm ready for a new relationship. i think i might want to fall in love. i'm being fed this unattainable idea of love. i know it's unrealistic, there's definitely an agenda behind this "love" yet i can't help but long for it. it's the weirdest thing. where can i find it... how do i go about being involved with someone in that matter?

well, for now i can look. i enjoy looking, especially when i go to the gym. there are a couple of people that are just, oh god. hahahaha. i have ideas, these ideas will bring nothing but trouble. luckily i've learned to ignore these desires, fantasies whatever they are.

i'm a sucker.

so on another note, i owe myself five miles. this is going to be quite the task. tomorrow i have 11 miles, i'll do three miles tuesday and two on friday. yeah.

i want something, i want to be close to someone. i don't have the time though. i barely have enough time to work and go to the gym. i don't really have a lot of time to spend with my family either.

do i really want this? mmm.

did i really want to be with him?

what do i want? i couldn't even decide on what to bake today. when i finally made a decision, it went all wrong. it was awful. the brownies, from a box, were awful. i think i may have even gotten sick.

i'm a mess. well, not a true mess but just, i need to find my footing. the ground i'm on, i know what i'm standing on, i just can't find a pose... stance, something, my muscles my mind they're not working together to stand. all of this, it's all too inefficient.

people keep telling me that there aren't a lot of young women like me, girls even, that i'm not sure what they mean. it's in regards to how i'm not blowing my money and stuff on stuff i don't need. yes i'm saving, but mostly thinking of taking my little guy out, getting my mom something nice, and finally buying my dad a new watch. when i need to buy something for myself, i take so long... i end up just not doing it after all. when it comes to buying something for someone else, almost at impulse.

i don't know. just me thinking "out loud" i guess. sure.

sure.

sure.