there are decisions that i have made in the last few days that don't go with what's "right and fair". i haven't lied, i just haven't been asked anything so i haven't had the need to share. if they knew, fuck.

i feel like i'm in control, it feels amazing. i feel like there's this energy inside of me that only i know about. it doesn't fit on any spectrum, i don't know what it is. i can get anything i want, but i don't want to have anything. i want to be left alone to do my work. i don't want anyone to feel like i owe them a favor, a word, an explanation. i'll laugh, i'll smile, and if i feel like it i'll share what i'm feeling but i don't feel like i ought to anymore.

this feels different ha.

still, there are a few things keeping me tied to the ground, but hopefully that changes soon. i understand or at least have a better understanding of the flow of power. i think i can play with it a bit, i don't know if i want to tamper with it too much, i wouldn't want to commit to anything right now.

this reminds me of that book, the unbearable lightness of being.

steering clear of emotional ties, remaining weightless. i should have learned something from the book. i also think of a trailer i saw, i think i'll give it a watch, i have time now aha.

does it mean anything, when there's so much passion, so much energy, the need, holding on like that? to separate myself, my emotions, i feel them creep up again. the only way to keep them at bay is to spread myself out thin. stay busy. keep talking.

i do wonder if i've taken a weird turn. i would, could, am hurting a lot of people. i don't know how to feel. what to think. i can't pretend it's not bothering me. that sense of freedom is so alluring, i'm intoxicated. i was intoxicated. the smells, the liquor, the smoke. to let go is to shorten my life. to let go is to surrender that instant satisfaction that makes my heart race. that adrenaline, being lightheaded, and pretending for just a second that only i exist.

is that truly fulfilling? such a lonely place to stand, lay in.