I actually wrote this today, And sent it. First time in a long time I've told her how I actually feel. _______________ Hi Mom. Its great that your getting things sorted out, and your feeling better. Sorry I've been really busy lately, I haven't had much of a chance to call. I've got alot going on in school and with life really. In school I have 4 big projects, and Im failing physics. So I have to get my mark up, and do those projects. But Im doing really well other wise. 95 in art, 85 in ancient history, and 82 in writers craft. Plus John's aunt is in the hospital, and there is alot going on there. She's really sick, and they think she might not make it. John's upset about it, and Im kinda sad, cause I liked her. Other than that I've just been really busy. Well not totally busy, But when ever I have the time to call, I never know what to say. I dont want to hurt you, but Im sick of lying to myself and you. Everything thats happened, for the past 3 years has really hurt me. Its hard to have you come and go so much, and to tell the truth, I've actually developed a phobia. Its called Athagoraphobia, and its the fear of being abandoned. Everything thats happened has really messed me up. And messed alot of other things up. I'm just tired of being hurt, I want to believe in you, and hope that you'll stick around longer, and keep your promises. I want to know what it feels like to have a mother who really does care about you. Although you say you do, sometimes the things you did made it feel otherwise. I don't know what or who to believe anymore. Over the last few years I've had to go through alot, and learned alot about what happened. I think I know more than you realize. I feel a little hurt that you never tell me the truth. I've also developed this hate of being lied too. I know alot, although you dont bother to tell me, I do find out. But what Im trying to say is that, one of the hardest things I've had to go through was finding out about your atempted suicide. I found out from Dad, Nanny, and David all talking about it infront of me. No one bothered to tell me. I was hurt. No one tells me much anymore, but it just hurt finding out that way. I mean your not the only one who's got screwed up over the last few years, I've just found a better way to deal with it then drugs and alcohol. I write. Maybe I haven't always been truthfull, but I've been told to be nice, and not to say anything. But Im confused, and scared. I'm scared of getting hurt again. Things are messed up, I want them to get better. But I try. Prove to me that I can believe in you again. I've forgiven you for things in the past, but I need to know that you really want to try again this time. I really need to know that your going to be there for me. I haven't had a mother for 3 years, I haven't had someone to turn to, someone to tell things too, someone to be there for me. I never had anyone there for me when I went through all the hard times, and good times. I've changed so much, and there is so much I want to tell you. I want my mother back. Someone who was there for me, someone who never betrayed me, someone i felt that loved me. Im in love now. Think me foolish or not, I dont care. I really can see the rest of my life with John. We have plans for the future. I was never stupid, and i was always responsible. The day I turned 17, I thought alot about where I would be if i were you. When people would tell me that having a child at 17 would ruin my life, i started thinking, about how i must of ruined yours. It bothers me all the time. I think about where you and dad would be if i never exsisted, maybe you both would be happy living your own lives. I don't believe you would be togther, but I think sometimes that Im the reason that you two are unhappy. When bad things happen to you, I blame myself. Im just really messed up. If it wasn't for John being there for me, I dont know what would become of me. He's very important to me, and I really was looking forward to you meeting him. He was there on monday when you were supposed to come. He helped me alot through that day, so did my teacher Ms Gillard. You met her, shes a nice woman, she looks out for the kids in our school. If your in one of her classes, she makes sure your alright. She loves me and david, shes always going on about how we are so alike. But shes there for us when we need someone. She was there for me too. I dont mean to hurt you by telling you some of these things, but I need to tell you. I need you to know that you hurt me, and that Im scared. That I need you. As much as i resented you, and wanted nothing to do with you, i need you. Not the way you were, I need you to care, I need you to be the way you used to be. I just hope everything works out for us. I really need you back. I seriously haven't cried so much in my life as i have in the past 3 years, especially in the past 7 or 8 months. I need everything to get better. Love Lindsey