Ok origionaly i posted this on live journal because i didn't want anyone to read it. But as i read it through, i think i want poeple to read it. I want poeple to know how i feel. and plus, i think it is a good thing to have here. Well this is it. It is a candid entry about how i feel about things I think i just had the worst week of my life. Monday was ok, it was monday man. I don't think to much on monday when wrong at school. But i come home and think about things that have happened and things that i feel and i realize, i like my best friend. wow, bad choice there. But the thing is he is the only guy i know that can make me smile and make me happy like no one else. Before i never really saw how i felt because i was scared to see thos feelings. But i finially admit it to myself. On tuesday we had to go on this trip thing, me and randy had to go around selling things. that was ok but i didn't sell anything at all. It was when i got home that i started ripping my self apart. I felt so sick when i came home, i just went to sleep. When i woke up, i came to my other diary and wrote how i felt. Not admiting who it was though. I went back to sleep and still felt sick the entire night. On Wednesday I stayed home from school. I wasn't feeling well both mentally and physically. I was still ripping myself aprat over him and not telling him, and how he won't like me back, and how i felt about all that. That was when nikki started to talk to me about everything. I told her who it was, and we talked some more about it. I think she knew the second i told her that he would reject me. and again i went to sleep feeling sick. Thursday I stayed home as well. I was still feeling sick and i made a deal with my nanny that if i stayed home thursday, that i would go to school friday. I woke up and got on my other diary and wrote some more about how i felt and how i am doing. nothing really that big happened on thursday. I got to talk to my dad and he made me feel a alittle better. He told me that i was smart, honest, nice, someone that was always there for him, someone that would always support him. I was nice, and pretty. He told me that i was the type of girl that he always wanted to marry. That i knew alot more about the world than anyone else my age, that i had faced alot more. I was strong and smart. That i shouldn't worry so much about boys and stuff like that. He made me feel better a bit. Gave me some self confidence. That all changed friday. Friday, at school was really great actually, i hid my pain very well. I even fooled around a little with my friends. It was great. All the time putting on a happy smile and making everyone believe it was all ok. I wanted to tell him, but i was to scared. I got home and decided to do it. And after i got over my fear, and enlisted a friend to help. I did it. well 2 of my friends helped out, and i really really apreciate their help. I told him...and nothing. Well nothing at first. I had to ask him how he felt. With might have been a bad choice to do but i did it. He told me that i was like his sister and that he doesn't think of me in that way. I was ok, for about 3 seconds. I started to cry, which is a big deal because i never cry. i tried to get over it. I didn't know why it hurt me so much. I left to go do my job and i got 5 blissful hours of not thinking of him. But when i got home, everything hit me like a brick. I got in bed to go to sleep, and i started to cry. About everything. the real reason why no one likes me, the real reason for everything. I am to damn ugly. I am too fat. I am just plain ugly. When he said, just like a sisiter, he meant, your not what i want. I am never what anyone wants. Then i started feeling as if i was a good for nothing. Then it got worse, i started to realize that everyone in my life has hurt me, everyone i know. That why can't anyone just give me a break and give me a chance. And that is how i cried myself to sleep on another bad day of my life. Saturday i woke up, and i started writing this. I woke up, feeling like crap, and looking like crap. I get online to see a comment that i friend left, which makes me feel a little better, but still it is a cliche response on everything. I don't think that anyone will truly like me for who i am. It is just not possible. I don't have anything about me which people find beautiful in this day in age. Thats why sometimes i wish i was born in a earlier centery. When women my size were looked upon as beautiful, because we were full, and looked like we were well off because we wern't starving. The ones that looked like they were healthy. and not dieing of anything. But thats it really. thats everythig that happened to me and how i feel about it. [xeditx] I baked a cake today, and it was really fun ^^ other than that i went to the river. Boring day and i liked it that way ^^ I think i am going to go to fabric land and buy some more fabric to make a shirt. I saw a pattern for a shirt that i really liked. So maybe that is how i will spend the monies i just made ^^ I got a trip to the movies lined up next weekend which will be good for me. I want to rent a couple of movies too. Maybe i will have a little party at my house, yeah, that would be cool ^^ Invite a whole bunch of people. yeeeaaaahhh. That sounds fun. It might get my mind off of other things. When i went to the river, i totaly forgot everything, and i felt calm. I saw some fishes jumping and it was great. Sorry i forgot my camera so no pictures. We might go back some other time, would anyone else like to come? I just want to be around all my friends right now, i need my friends. Does anyone want to do somthing with me tomorrow? comment if you do, comment anyways i always love to get comments.