Thanks for the mind fuck down memory lane, sit. cheers.

So. I haven't actually wrote anything in a LONG time. But things are looking up! =) I got a job [[finally!]]. Right now I'm only part time there, so it's kindof beat. But! I just got a job offer from Verizon, selling DSL & land lines in a best buy // circuit city. Working 10-7 on Saturdays & Sundays - 16.50 an hour. SHIT! I'll take it. haha. That gives me the opportunity to pay everyone back, and then save up. Schweeet. Plus I gotta do my Denny's questionaire so I can get that job. Because if I work both of those, then I can probably keep my dollar store one. Then my goal of moving out by next year will ACTUALLY happen. I'll be able to get my license, my car, and be able to afford it. Then once I've moved out, and got the car .. I'm going back to school. So. Things are looking G00D! There's other things going on, that I really can't talk about. 2 of them .. will fuck up my life pretty bad. So I'm not trying to think about them, till I get a definite yes or no. Then there's one thing that just mindfucks me everytime it gets the chance .. and I'm loving it? haha. It makes me all stupid and nervous and giggly like a school girl. Eventually .. i'm going to have that feeling all the time. Not just when I think about it. Been spending alot of time with friends. Which is good, because if I do end up working 3 jobs .. then I'll never see them. But they'll understand that i'm making life better for myself. I refuse to grow up like my parents. I refuse to be like them. I will be better than everyone in my life. Wait and see.

I bang on the door but you won't let me in, 'cause you're sick and tired of me reeking of gin. Locked all the doors from the front to the back, And left me a note telling me I should pack. I walk in the bar and the fella's all cheer, They order me up a whiskey and beer. You ask me why I'm writing this poem, Some call it a tavern but I call it home. Fuck you, I'm drunk Fuck you, I'm drunk Pour my beer down the sink I've got more in the trunk. Fuck you, I'm drunk Fuck you, I'm drunk And I'm going to be drunk till the next time I'm drunk! You've given me an option, you say I must choose, 'tween you and the liqour, then I'll take the booze! Jumpin' on Western down to the south side, Where I'll sit down and exercise my Irish pride. Fuck you, I'm drunk Fuck you, I'm drunk Pour my beer down the sink I've got more in the trunk. Fuck you, I'm drunk Fuck you, I'm drunk And I'm going to be drunk till the next time I'm drunk!

Blahh. I'm so wrecked today. My brain is completely non functioning. I seriously just stared at my sit for 15 minutes waiting. I don't know why. lkajd. But I do know. Last night I hung out at Johns with him, Travis, and Kelly. Twas a good time .. especially after we ate the shr00mies. Hahh. I like that drug way to0 much. The only thing I don't like is I spend about the first 45 minutes puking my ass off .. then I go into super trip mode. hah. I sat there and stared at my blanket for about 20 minutes. It was pretty. lol. We watched Dazed n Confused whenever John & I were peaking .. and wow. We just sat there and laughed about stupid shit. Twas a good time. hahaha. Went to Deep Creek yesterday to0. Good times. Went tubing - which is now causing immense pains in my arms. Plus the fact I now resemble crispy mccrisperson. GAHH. I'm so freaking sunburnt. ahh well. later. don't look too hard for what you want cause it could be on the tip of your tounge you're holding back like there's nothing left to it could this be a false alarm I will cast the first stone or leave the first mark but I will leave a lasting impression you beleive what you want and you said what's been said and i do hope you learn a lesson what's your problem can't you see it and you go and blow it like everyone knows you will why don't you get it together now failure's not flattering when will you show yourself when will you show yourself ah, i do hope you learn a lesson you'll never learn your lesson what's your problem can't you see it and you go and blow it like everyone knows you will

LMFAO. Last night was SUCH a good time. I can't believe how much fun I had. lol. Randomness at its finest. - Me and Linds got drunk as FUCK .. and took way too many crazy pictures. - She asked if she could hug Josh. I was like "I dont give a fuck .. you could touch his dick I wouldn't care. Because I know you .. if you were some random bitch .. I'd rip your face off" .. lmfao .. i have no idea. - Saw Dank0 again .. and we took a picture. He engulfed my head. - Hung out with some dude Jason for a good bit. He's a pretty chill kid. - Saw Mr. Magician [Lee] .. we talked for a bit. - My neighbors were there, and I kept fucking with their dad. lol. "What the hell did you do at the bustop?!" .. "We had sex. It's ok." lmfao. - Drank wayy too many shots and/or beers. - Saw Alan .. he's probably gonna DJ my sisters wedding. hah. - Watched Matt & Dan wrestle .. and Matt threw Dan around like a ragdoll. lol - Mike refuses to talk to me if Josh is around. Cause he's a homo. - Mike left .. still wanted to ride me home .. ended up leaving with that Jason kid. - I feel really bad Linds couldn't stay at my house. Ugh. I dont even remember everything else. It was a superb time though. lol. lates.

I can finally say the trifecta of hilarious things has happened in my life. Seriously .. 3 of the funniest moments EVER in life happened in the past 5 years of my life. They can only be summed up in a few words. The Microwave Stand. The Chair. The Steps. The End. That is it. Anytime I have a bad day .. I can remember and laugh my freaking ass off. And they're only funny to those who witnessed it. LMFAO. The steps happened tonight. I havent laughed that hard since the chair. HAHAHAHA. Anyway. Last night was a good time. Finally got john & dani together .. trip trip! I'm so excited for this weekend. Ugly & I did a cap each .. and got an incredible body high. LOL. Trav, Kell, and Jess .. just stared at our eyes. All they kept saying was "OHMYGOD YOUR PUPILS ARE HUGE!". No shit dick. haha. Just wait until saturday night .. they're gonna look crazy as HELL. bahaha. I just gotta remember to wear pajamas, i need to bring a pillow, a blanket, and my teddy bear .. my cell phone charger .. and cigarettes. And I should be good then. As long as people don't fuck with me to0 much. hahhh. It's BAR night! W00P. I'm excited. I thinkkk I'm gonna wear my "we want beer" shirt that I made last summer. SPEAKING OF WHICH - The Genesis shirt that I made is currently MIA .. and i'd really like it back if anyone finds it. THANKS! Yah. Then Ugly & I were talking about the drugs we've done. I've done 90% of them with him .. but I only tried one of them with him the first time. lol. WOW. "This is why you should never ever ever ever do hallucinogenics" haha .. i love big b!

To whomever is posting anonymous comments on my blog .. eatitbitch. Because .. you have no idea what my life is like, or how its gone down. But I refuse to stoop to your level. Just remember, don't judge people before you know the real story. :] ANYWAY. I'm seriously gonna punch James in the face. As it stands right now, I really don't even want him in my life anymore. I thought it'd be great at first. Now, I just want him gone. Stupid fucking coke addict. Yah. I finally found out why he's in a "facility". It's NOT a facility. It's a fucking halfway house. I wish he'd just grow the fuck up. He's 24, and he's been in and out of rehabs, halfway houses, jails, and juvenile detention centers since I met him .. which is about 10 years ago. Seriously. When will he learn. Then I tell him I'm hanging out with John last night. And he starts talking shit. You know what, faggot? FUCK YOU! I dont give a shit that you have some petty hatred for him from the 8TH GRADE. God. He sucks something fierce. Moving On. I finally stopped crying, and the miserableness has pushed itself to the back burner. It'll make a comeback. It always does. I can stifle it for so long .. then it just explodes. But, I was talking to Josh about it last night. He said I'm too emotional, and I cry way to easily. He went on to say that since he's known me .. I cry at least once a week. And he's right. I let my emotions get the best of me, and then I explode, and start crying. What I need to do is get everything under control, and then hopefully this crying shit finally subsides. Cause I hate crying. Saw the movie "300" last night. That movie is fucking GREAT! I can't wait to buy it when it comes out on DVD. heh. Saw the bitch last night, standing in front of his buddies shop. And I used to get angry when I saw him. Anger, frustration, etc .. all used to come bubbling to the surface. Not anymore. It's more like pity now. I feel sorry that he has to live with himself on a daily basis. Just glad i'm not there to watch him self destruct anymore. And as far as bert goes. Yah, you can still kiss my ass. I've been alot happier and alot better off WITHOUT you dragging me down. Put it this way, I was a ship going full steam ahead. You were kindof the anchor holding me back, slowing me down. It's better that I don't have to deal with your stupidity anymore. Speaking of which - didja tell your girl how bad you fucked up yet? Yahh .. didn't think so. Kay. This is long enough. Lates!

As of late, i've been incredibly frustrated with my job. Maybe it was the 10 day vacation, or maybe it's just the realization that I work such a shit job. I mean. C'mon. I work 6 days [average] a week, I bust my freaking ass there. Rarely call off - unless i'm really sick. And i've been there for 7 months with ONE customer complaint. AND I HAVEN'T GOTTEN A RAISE! I'm there constantly. I do everything they say, with minimal complaints. I get ALL the bitch jobs. Yet, I get no respect, I get nothing. Then yesterday some lady "complained" about me. Yet, her story was completely false. I have never told a kid to shut up, stop it, would you quit yelling. WTF. So I got bitched at, and when I told my side .. they just nodded their heads and were like "well if your upset at work, or wanting to quit don't let it reflect on the customers." WTF. I didn't. So, basically the fact that they automatically belived her, and either didn't understand or didn't care what I was saying. But they pissed me off. AND. I can't work today. I'm sick as SHIT. They'll try & make me come in. I already asked Thomas to go in, he babysits. So, as they say. I'M FUCKED.

mhm. i ♥ this song. it's amazing! it's been a WHILE since i wrote in here. nothing new though. EXCEPT! ---->>> Josh & I are back together. ♥ mhm -> i'm a happy girl! work is long. and tedious. and boring. AND THE PAY FUCKING SUCKS!

LMFAO. Last night was SO much fun, I can't handle it. ¢¾ Went over Bert's house last night with Josh. Met his girl, Amanda. I really like her. She's going to be very good for him. We watched Beerfest. Well. Josh, Amanda, & I watched it. Rob kept running all over the place. Saw his neices & nephew. They're so cute. Nadia kept saying she missed me. Aww .. I missed her to0. I gotta go over this summer and play hide n seek with them again, and jump on the beds. OH! And do their hair. =] So then Rob and I played Mario Kart, and I got schooled in it. haha. Then we played poker, and I kicked ass the first game. We all went in on the second game, and Rob won. Then he won the 3rd. Drank a beer or 2. Then I wanted to go get something to eat. So, I made those 2 come with us. ROB had the bright idea to HANDCUFF us together. I tried to fight him off so it didn't happen. No such luck. He also forgot the keys at home. lol. So. Then we're trying to get from Duquesne to C3 to go to dennys, and I got us lost. lol. But we ended up in the waterfront, and went to Eat N Park. Rob, OF COURSE, had to pee. So we had to run behind this building. And we're coming back, and this chick screams "WHERE'S MY UNDERWEAR! I HAD THEM ON BEFORE! WHERE'D THEY GO!" lmfao. I was done. Actually got a booth. Trying to eat, and drink coffee with my left hand was an adventure in itself. The 2 booths across from us SO knew. HAHA. Then this group of drunk retards came in. And we played gay or straight. haha. The guy on the left was def. gay. "It looks like he just poured a thick load onto his salad". baha. Good times Good times. =] AND .. that is why I was handcuffed to my friend in the middle of eat n park at 3:30 am. lol. ♥ Last night reminded me of so many good times. It made me miss them SO much. I used to have days like that all the time. Now that i'm older, I rarely get to act like that. It just made me sad. But so happy at the same time.

Welp. It's almost my birthday. Today officially kicked off birthday season. lol. My grandparents gave me my card. W00! I made 50 bucks, just for getting older. That rocks. But, as I sit here, thinking of it. I don't want to get any older. In 9 days i'll be 23. Why does that seem so freaking old?! Sigh. As long as I have good friends, good alcohol, and good music surrounding me for my birthday - it'll be just great. =] Got in a fight with bag of douche today. He doesn't realize that I hate it when people blow my fucking phone up. HE DOES IT EVERYDAY. Back the fuck off you stupid moron. If anything - we'll only ever be JUST friends. The end. You had your shot, you fucking blew it. GET OVER IT. Andddd ... i have a few things i COULD do tonight. But all I really want to do is sit around and be a bum. Blah. I really wish I could shut my brain off for about an hour. Because this thinking about shit is driving me crazy. I am a dreamer and when i wake, You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take. And as you move on, remember me, Remember us and all we used to be I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile. Whats funny is. I'd love to look into your eyes again. But the worst part is, i'd probably punch your face through a wall if I got the chance. UGH. And. Don't get ideas. That isn't to who you think it is. Or the other person you think it is. So hush your face. I'm an emotional train wreck anymore. OH! Yah. Gotta go get the lump in my breast checked again. The doctor felt it, and went "That's not good. We need to get that checked asap" UGH!

Ugh. I had the worst day EVER. -> Realized my camera is probably shot. I'm prettyyyy sure i got perfume in it. Ugh. -> Lost my makeup bag, but then ending up locating who it was with. But will end up buying new makeup anyway. -> Went to getgo for coffee. they had no coffee, no creamer, barely any sugar [if any], no cups, and NO LIDS. so i pay, i'm outside, i set my cup on truck, and i give my dad his. i go to grab mine - CRASH. all over the ground. went back in, and got another one for free. -> smashed my finger in a door. tripped over my garbage can half drunk this morning. hit my shoulder off a cabinet. like .. fell over and hit my face off the ground [wtf?]. -> kindof got into it with nate. about .. like everything. i can't explain it. skajd. then we were much better after everything was said. it's still newww though. we'll see. ¢¾ blah. andddddd i have to work tomorrow. 6 days again this week. YAY. .... but i'm in kitchen tomorrow. :)

Before I begin this blog -> Happy Mothers Day! .. to any and all mothers. Whether your with your kids daily, or you never see them. Whether they're alive, or deceased .. enjoy this day. Anyone can have a child .. but it takes someone special to be a Mommy. Anyway, moving right along. Didn't do to0 much yesterday. Sat around waiting for Dani to call about trip trips. But, sadly, she never did. So john & i settled on a bag, & washington apples that we created ourselves. Needless to say, by 11:00 .. we felt pretty good. Watched a bunch of Oz, and then TV. We were gonna go to southside, but staying in and saving money seemed like a better idea. hah! "Bert" - as far as you go, I have no words. I mean, how could I? I've said it all to you before, you just refuse to comprehend anything I say to you. Thus, the reason we're constantly irritated with each other. I don't want to hear your fucking excuses. "I was drunk" .. "I didn't comprehend anything you said to me that night" .. "I was so confused, I didn't know what was going on" .. Well. You never comprehend. THATS YOUR FAVORITE FUCKING EXCUSE! Next to .. "Oh .. I was drunk". Fuck you - thats BULL! Maybe next time, you won't do this shit to some other girl. You live to mindfuck people. You say everyone else creates drama, and its all their fault. BULLSHIT! I didn't do SHIT the last 2 times. I didn't get pissed over petty shit. I handcuffed you to YOURSELF and you got pissed and threw my shit out the fucking window. Then .. didn't understand why I wouldn't fucking talk to you. Finally I get a grip, and let shit pass, and I hang out with you again. You wouldn't fucking listen. I kept telling you we shouldn't, that you love your girl, and I love josh. I didn't want it. ANYTIME YOU TRIED TO KISS ME. You say your not a typical guy. Again - I call bullshit. Your a fucking asshole. No wonder Julie booted you out of her life. You don't listen. You don't accept what girls tell you. Its your way - or fuck them. Well, I feel sorry for your girlfriend that she has to deal with your stupid, incompetent ass on a daily basis. Did you even tell her that you tried to fucking kiss me - at least 10 times?! DID YOU?! HUH?! No. I bet you didn't. But .. JOSH knows. I immediately told him. He deserved to know that the kid that smiled in his fucking face all night, turned around and fucking backstabbed him. You little prick. Think i'm gonna be upset that your not in my life anymore? NO. I'M NOT. Because, I'm a better person without you. I don't have to deal with a child anymore. LOL. And you know what? Fuck this dude. I'm not gonna deal with your shit anymore. THIS is the best way to solve this. You do your shit, I'll do mine. Stay out of my fucking life, and we'll be good. I'm tired of your stupid, little kid bullshit. Goodbye!

So I've mapped out a few plans for myself, almost all of which I plan to accomplish by next february. =] -> Going back to school this fall, for what IDK yet. But I did request information packets from a bunch of schools today. -> Getting my license by August/September [crosses fingers] -> Getting a bartending/waitressing job, to save up money, so I can finally move out of here. -> Seriously going back to church, every sunday if I can swing it. -> Cutting back on smoking. Hopefully. All goes well. I really want to do better for myself, and my family. I want them to be proud of me. =]

I'm in the best mood - EVER. The past 2 weeks have been amazing. I'm so glad things have been the way they are. Despite the fact that I think i'm sick again. B00!! Saw Dani last weekend. FINALLY. It's almost been a year. We hung out in southside, and i slept over her house. Good times. I've been gauging my ears out. I'm at a 10 right now. Going to an 8 this weekend. lol. Wonder how much work will like THAT. I really don't care anyway. If they say anything, i'll just leave my hair down everyday. I see nothing wrong with having holes in my ears, and working with children. [does that sound as fucked up as i think it does? lol.] Besides that. Work is good. Other than Juan, Justin, and Jerrod getting fired. =[ I really miss Juantastic. It's not the same without him. That kid and I will always have some crazy ass memories in Kid Co. Been hanging out with Nathanael a LOT lately. But things are going good there, so I see no reason to change them. He makes me happier than I've been in a LONG time. Blahhhhh. That's all. TooDLeS ♥

haha. i ♥ this songggg Oh, this is the start of something good Don't you agree? I, haven't felt like this in so many moons You know what I mean And we can build through this destruction As we are standing on our feet So, since you wanna be with me You'll have to follow through With every word you say And I, all I really want is you you to stick around I'll see you everyday But you have to follow through You have to follow through These reeling emotions they just keep me alive They keep me in tune Oh, look what I¡®m holding here in my fire This is for you Am I too obvious to preach it You're so hypnotic on my heart So,since you wanna be with me You'll have to follow through With every word you say And I, all I really want is you you to stick around I'll see you everyday But you have to follow through You have to follow through The words you say to me are unlike anything That's ever been said oh what you do to me is unlike anything That's ever been Am I too obvious to preach it? You're so hypnotic on my heart So since you wanna be with me You'll have to follow through With every word you say And I, all I really want is you you to stick around I'll see you everyday So since you wanna be with me You'll have to follow through With every word you say And I, all I really want is you you to stick around I'll see you everyday But you have to follow through You have to follow through You're gonna have to follow Oh, this is the start of something good Don't you agree? That will either be my wedding song .. or at least PLAYED at my wedding. i lovesssssss it so much.

Nothing really new here. Josh is @ a union meeting, Paige is out somewhere. So, finally, I get some time to myself. SWEET. Work's been unusually great. I'm getting a buttload of hours. + I'm debating on taking a 2nd job. Justin told me about his buddies detail shop. And since i'm a complete neat freak, it'd work out well. lol. I just don't know if I wanna work 50+ hrs a week. Besides that, life's been pretty boring. Which, I can't complain about. Because, boring = dramaless. And no drama = amazing. Alright. I'm out. TooDLeS ♥

Bahh... I got dumped. I haven't been dumped since I was 16. So I went out. Got pissed. And got drunk. I am now full of piss and vinegar. Byeeeeee lovaahh ♥ I want to hold the hand inside you I want to take a breath thats true I look to you and I see nothing I look to you to see the truth You live your life You go in shadows Youll come apart and youll go black Some kind of night into your darkness Colors your eyes with whats not there. Fade into you Strange you never knew Fade into you I think its strange you never knew A strangers light comes on slowly A strangers heart without a home You put your hands into your head And then smiles cover your heart Fade into you Strange you never knew Fade into you I think its strange you never knew Fade into you Strange you never knew Fade into you I think its strange you never knew I think its strange you never knew

Work was actually really good. Did 2 parties. Made 20 bucks. And I have a party everyday the rest of the week. LOL. Haha funniest comment all day "Imagine them having sex. Or the smells that would eminate from that room. B.O AND SPERMICIDE .. omg ew" - Me "I really shouldn't be finishing my food right now. That was truly disgusting"- Lil Dave Or how mike is obsessed with the bulletin i posted .. "Apparently there was a mountain lion in YO HOOD!" good times. Then HE picked me up. And we fought for 3 effin hours, sitting outside my fucking house. And, it wasn't even a dumb argument. It just kinda made me look at shit ALOT differently. But i still like him so0o much.

the crazy bitch got fired.