so, as 6am rolls around. I've been sitting here all night just thinking about mad random shit. I'm gonna try and finangle (i use that word entirely too much) my subway job back tomorrow night. if i want to be fucked up for the remaining time i have left in life, i gotta have money to get what i gotta get and go where i gotta go. I uh...i don't know. i'm sittin here talkin to Jackie and her lame ass isint answering. i hope she falls off the bed. So i sat here and went through all of fuzz's emails earlier. I found myself occasionally grinning and then like 10 seconds later im wailing lighters across the room in absolute disgust. It's like...i know it's different now...completely different. But it took me back to the "what if" shit, i got so mad at myself for not doing what i now know i should have. I read some things that made me want to try and start everything over, then i read things that made me want to blow the entire state of Indiana off the map. But no matter what i read, it all pierced directly through my skin and into my brain and that other vital organ. I would do anything...Coulda Woulda Shoulda....it's all in the past. She's not the person that i literally grew up with. I guess certain things about her changed. Like...ah fuck it. moving on. So i've been talkin to this twat (hah) and I think she's fucking awesome. (little does she know i'm only talking to her to get her psych 101 book) I seem to be easily attracted to people who (right after meeting me) decide to insult and threaten my well being. But she's like...idk. she sometimes catches me off gaurd with shit she says, but at the same time, i totally expected it...ya know? no, ya don't. fucking dotslasher. i dont care if you got new shoes, your in belgium, where are my waffles bitch. so. my mom is getting surgery on her right foot and will literally be disabled for about 6 months, which means i have to go get my license so i can haul her broke ass around for that span of time. I shoulda got that shit years ago, but i was probably way too stoned to remember. I can now chaueffur my nieces and nephew around why my lame sister totally fails at life. i can DO SHIT THEN. ya fuckin hoo. So, i've been talking to D abit recently. i like, i don't even know what to say on that subject. I guess it's cool that we're cool, but at the same time i get alot of negative shit running through my head. I don't know what path i'm gonna take so...we shall see. but come on now, Panic in the kitchen was one of the highlights of the year. ok, jackie talks for 2 minutes, then vanishes for like 10. I cannot wait til i get my hands on this girl. for shore. Neurologist appointment December 8th. I bet they fail, just like the others. My brain is far too advanced for them to decypher what's growing in it. faggots. it's 6:30, im out like bush in 08.

"You'll be one of those silly KIDS that ends up on Unsolved Mysteries or something when they find you dead in your bathtub (in your swimming trunks, of course) with a Kenny doll, your toaster, and like 15 lbs of pot....and your face will be painted blue or some shit. Yeah, I can get a visual there. Very likely rob death. ha." I like ice cream, cherry pie, and lemonade with summer breeze. I like rainbows, leafy trails, and puppy dogs with bumblebees. I like cartoon, candy, gum, and bumper cars at carnivals. Golden skies, and hazel eyes and sand in between my toes. but... SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT I HATE YOU SOMETHING TELLS ME I MUST KILL YOU

Your description of the quality and location of the pain suggests that it is something called trigeminal neuralgia. The trigeminal nerve is primarily responsible for facial sensation. It has three branches (trigeminus is latin for "triplets") that radiate across your face. It is not uncommon for the middle branch (maxillary branch) to be compressed (usually by a blood vessel) causing the exact pain that you describe: Sharp, shooting, lightning-like pain that lasts several seconds. In medical terms, this is called "lancinating" pain, and it is highly suggestive of nerve impingement. Pain is often triggered by lightly touching the affected area (in men, shaving will often be a trigger). Your family doc will be able to diagnose this condition. You may need an MRI/MRA to take a look at what is causing the nerve compression. There are special medications for neuropathic pain that should alleviate your symptoms. I hope this helps! -Reid ORRRRRRRR Frontal Lobes Lesion. The frontal lobes represent a large volume of the brain but the presentation of frontal lobe lesions can be very subtle. Neurological examination and even psychometric testing may miss the diagnosis. It is largely the higher functions and personality that are affected. Epidemiology Incidence Frontal lobe dementia is the 3rd commonest form of dementia, after Alzheimer's disease and multi-infarct dementia but it is very much less common than Alzheimer's. Risk Factors Lesions can be vascular in origin (thrombotic, embolic or haemorrhagic), due to space occupying lesions (tumours or abscess) or traumatic. There may be other mechanisms like frontal dementia or multiple sclerosis. The effect will depend upon the exact location. In infants and young children brain damage results in adjacent areas taking over the function of the affected area but even a little later in life this ability fades and is lost. Most lesions occur in older people. ok. It's 8am and i have to be there at 10. I've been sitting around all fucking night, not able to sleep, not able to talk to anyone (not that i really had/have anything to say). I don't know what to do, i don't want to know what's wrong. I mean...Something is wrong if they scheduled me for further testing. I can't sleep, i won't eat. I don't want to do shit. I am so fucking scared of what's going to come of this. I read so much into it all night that i can't imagine nothing being wrong. I just hope that when it does finally get me, it's quick and fucking painless.

I don't think people are meant to be alone. So when you meet the person you think could be the one you've been looking for, look past all the little things. because being alone sucks. especially when your surrounded by people.

Hey all you crazy kids. I just feel like writing, so if you'd like to take it as an update, go right ahead. I somehow achieved a laptop and internet all in the last 2 days, so that a slight upside. Other than that, shit sucks, as usual. I still can't manage to find a job, but god damnit i'm tryin. I'm basically a full time babysitter getting paid in cigarettes, that uhhh, doesn't work for me. I spend alot of my free time recently writing and reading. Not so much TV or video games anymore, they don't give me anything but temporary joy. I think i've completely turned ass backwards as a person, i can't explain it. I do everything opposite of what i used to do, i read instead of watch TV, i sleep in the am like people are SUPPOSED TO, I exercise over sitting around and getting high, i listen to country music over the norm alternative, but i haven't completely kicked The X out of my life, i just appreciate the slower more sappy music that Y108 offers. I just recently realized that everything around me is at a complete standstill. I guess it's waiting for me to make a move, which is alot better than everything passing me by like it used to. I'm not as emotionally retarded as i used to be, i don't depend on socialism to keep me alive. I finally realize what's important in life, and it's ME. I don't dangle on certain people or things to go in my favor, instead i just let them go and if i end up on the winning end of it, then woo fuckin hoo. I only really talk to my close friends anymore, those friends being the people that i was raised with, John, Steele and Will. Their the only people that i really need. I realize that everybody else is fake, you know who you are. ahem. My kids ( i say my, as if i actually helped to birth them, my nieces and nephew) are doin real good, if only my sister would stop being a lazy shit and take care of them the way their supposed to be. Me being the only male figure in their lives puts alot on my shoulders, especially with Luke. I'm doin the best i can here. So um, my stepfather (Chief) is in a hospital with a tube in his stomach draining all the cancerous fluids out of him, they say he totally defied medical knowledge with surviving this long. Last year they gave him about 6 months to live, good to know noone cared to tell me, so sooner than later i'm going to have to deal with him passing on. The guy is more a father to me then the person whose name is on my birth certificate as my father. He raised me from as long as i can remember until now, sure i've done some fucked up shit but he was always the one to correct me and show me how to handle things. Life without him is going to be fucking weird. I'm getting misty as i type this. I just hope i haven't been a giant disappointment to him as i have been to everyone else. God works in fucked up ways. Speaking of god, or whatever you choose to believe in. I turned to god once in the last 4 or so years, i had a situation that seemed totally hopeless. It involved a very special person to me, and i actually broke down and prayed to him, asking him with everything i had to preserve the situation until i could do something to change it. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was laying in bed thinking about previously said situation (i choose not to divulge any specific information due to the total pointlessness of it now), and i was so desperate to calm myself from crying so hard that i got out of bed, down on my knee(oh the sweet irony)s and prayed for about 10 minutes, just talking to this non-existant power, asking him to somehow help me either get over it or to pull some miracle. So the next day (the 19th) God totally shoved it in my ass. i mean, epically was like "ya know what Rob, hah take that." The worst possible scenario played out and i was powerless to do anything but honestly laugh about it. Shows what god knows. I'm gonna finish up my monster resume then head to bed. I dont know if anyone actually reads this or not, doesn't really matter. But...yeah. take care.

My oh my the excitement of the past few days. It all started saturday night with some...what? drama. First me and the guys found out some faggots decided to gang up on one of my very good friends (who happens to be FEMALE). So first we go to the wrong party and start screaming outside of the party about how who John is and how he whatever so on and so forth. Then we realize that the other party is to blame, so we head over there and act tough. Faggots blow shit out their assholes and cops pull up. Yet when the cops pull up i decide to yell even louder and act more drunk then i was in the beginning. I somehow always make authority think less of me. So after screaming at the faggots, the cops AND the old lady neighbor i decide to just leave. I'm not done there yet. So then i get to watch my beloved Steelers get literally OWNED by the jaguars last night 9-0. I have nothing more to say about that shit. Then tonight. I told Mrs. Horne as much as I possibly could about my feelings and how i see her whole situation. I think she finally understands where i stand with everything. She's getting married (to me shes's technically already married) and I can't deal with it anymore. I can't stand by and watch her get married let alone set a date. So my longest tenure internet friend is finally moving the fuck on from me. I'm not going to divulge any information here due to...well my own fucking reasons. But I'm happy that she's happy and she's finally found what she wants to do in life.....uh..yeah. Now i'm watching the female cast of Roseanne make asses out of themselves trying to get a loan. good times at 4am. So as i sit here with my ridiculously bloodshot eyes...i've nothing more to say.

killryancooke: i'll kill indiana BlUEkhARMa42 0: dude. BlUEkhARMa42 0: i'll blow indiana off the face of the planet BlUEkhARMa42 0: with my cock killryancooke: you know they got parts that don't partake in daylight savings time. BlUEkhARMa42 0: of indiana? BlUEkhARMa42 0: FTW? killryancooke: yeah killryancooke: i dunno about ftw killryancooke: but definately killryancooke: WTF BlUEkhARMa42 0: are they too good for common sense? killryancooke: too good for benjamin franklin killryancooke: which makes them commies. BlUEkhARMa42 0: hah. douchebags. BlUEkhARMa42 0: commie rednecks

so after ransacking steele's room looking for my fucking AWOL wallet, i come to the conclusion that i cannot do anything right and therefore should not be given any special rights or privledges. i can't handle anything above or beyond the third grade level. i can't keep anything expensive or otherwise remotely important without damaging/killing it. even things that would benefit me as much as say, a job or a girlfriend. i immediately begin to test my limits and normally push things too far. Yes calling my boss a dickhead was uncalled for, but i did it in compliment form. you fuckin bitch. will is back in town for an undetermined extended period of time, hopefully something positive happens and we dont have to worry about selling used underwear on the corner anymore. it gets to be a pain in the ass. o_O i don't do much anymore. i sit and play my atari and my super nintendo. i catch up on reading and basically waste my time raising my sisters kids. i don't have motivation or time for social outings, and i'm fine with it. as for the drunken letter, i guess if it's so easy for you to blow up on something so menial and POSSIBLY easily bypassed with a simple question, then there isin't really any reason to try now. i now see that lies are more then just a fun word to say. i uh, idfk what to say to you, i don't have anything to say to you. even if i attempted something you'd probably just be a dick about it anyways. it was bound to happen, im just happy that i realized who was what. bitches. i'm um..done.

i never have anything good to write in here, it's my frustration blog. Well, i have nothing good to write anywhere, so this is my blog. i'm pretty much fired from giant eagle for getting into harassing conversations with my boss. It's time to get a more frequent and pleasent job anyways. I have 2 job options and 3 roommate options in the next 2-3 months. (this is turning kind of positive..) oh..wait. nevermind. i don't know what to do, i ask everybody and they say to call her, talk to her. But I don't know what i would say. I don't want there to be any friction i don't know if anything will be the least bit pleasent. The last thing i want to do is fight. I'm um sku*AHEM*...rrrd I understand that I frustrated you..Ill um..continue this elsewhere. So there's a possibility that Will is gonna be coming home for an undisclosed amount of time, i'm excited but at the same time i'm really upset for the reasons he is coming back. It'll be really nice to have a serious friend around other then Steele, someone a horde more mature and levelheaded then the retards i situate myself with. Will is the kind of person that will literally injure me into the right direction in life, maybe it's what i need. (positive again..AHEM) But i still need that someone around to make things worth it. That someone who made everything feel good. I want to hear the laughing that made me laugh. I want to hear that everything will be ok because i take it to heart from yew. I think we just need to re-adjust a few kinks in our system and we'll go back to being us, well..not "us" but us.

Got that job. Now watch this. Watch me get fired for calling my boss a dick and watch my everything crash around me.

HOMO

My dad beats me, but i can't tell you, because if i told you, my dad would beat me.

got that job. now watch this.

So i just got done playing the absolute worst game of madden EVER. 72-63? fuck it. I am in total need of some fuckin weed, and i don't know where to go. Everybody that i had in oakland totally (AND LITERALLY) moved away in the past week. ALL. GONE. wtf. sigh. So.. Things have been goin really good lately, i'm quite pleased with a few things, everything else is still the same. I finally got the fuzz monkey off my back, she doesn't understand what the fuck she did to me, nor do i care to attempt to explain it further. What you did to me is unforgivable by even MY standards. No matter what is said or done, i can't change it. You'll be just fine. Sadly, but very true. I realize that i only have about 2 or 3 GOOD TRUE friends out there (Steele and D). Maybe that's how it should be. Two people that i know for SHORE won't start drama or be faggot assed little pussies about shit. No need for anybody else. That's just the way i like it. fafa. I'm still debating about what i should do with my future, wondering if school is just another failure in the making. I refuse to fail at education THREE times, so i guess i'll just work a semi-good job until i have the qualifications or MOTIVATION to work for a GOOD job. I can't have everything handed to me like SOME PEOPLE. Life's a bitch, fuck it. As for my mental state, it's progressivly getting better, i think a bit more positive about things, im a little more careful yet carefree at the same time? Yeah, figure that out. I have a bit more motivation to do things, it's still the laziness that gets in the way. It'll turn around, i was assured of it, and i trust that source with everything i've got. On the other hand, i still find negative thoughts creeping into my head at random points in the day, it's just who I am. I over-worry sometimes (as has been proven BY THE WASHER), but it's for good reason. I worry about certain things happening that are out of my control, so my brain takes over and failure redeems its majority vote over everything else. I'm absolutely sure it'll be ok, unless i run out of time, so says the end of the second verse in that OH SO popular weezer song. sigh. So im about to head out to south side to reek havoc, but i might run around here to find some gold green, hopefully things werk out. We shall see. As long as things are going the way they are now, i see nothing but...*GASP* success. me(ICANTUSETHEGREATERTHANTHING)3yew.

Yeah i know i complain about the same shit over and over again, but the same shit keeps happening over and over again. People injecting their FUCK pointless drama into my life. It doesn't matter who the fuck it is they somehow find a way to fuck my shit up. People i thought we're friends, people i thought we're BEST Friends, oops WRONG. So i've imposed a new rule. If i don't know you, fuck you. If you once, JUST FUCKING ONCE start unnecessary drama with me/involving me, fuck you. i don't care who you are, what you are to me, how long you've known me. I could give a shit less. I don't have time for you to decide to be an immature cunt, it's not worth it. So just warn me in advance (like the day we meet) if your a cuniving fuckhole, it'll save both of us alot of trouble. party at oGRe's tonight, Johnny Walker's birthday. It's good to see the commie walking again, even if he gets so drunk that he reinjures his leg, he'll have had a good time. There's a very important paper football sticking out of my keyboard at home that could very well COMPLICATE a whole bunch of things, but after today i realize that complicating things probably brings drama, and as you can see from my first paragraph...no. So it will be destroyed as soon as i get my paws on it. i realized today that alot of people are two-faced.

i was so sure about everything concerning her. I couldn't even begin the second paragraph of her entry. It's times like these. Robby at the mercy of the firing squad.

Fame is death: yeah i'm a comedian bLuEkHaRMa 420: yeah, and i'm your biggest joke haha awwwwww

No turning gay wouldn't be any kind of logical solution. The Solution would be if all women weren't confused psychotic cuniving bitches who do nothing but start drama and lie through their teeth *ahem* then i would be fine with it, but no. Survey says... bitches.

Is it bad that I've given up on trying to make things work with women? I feel as if i have no motivation to put forth any effort into making any of them feel even the slightest bit special or happy. I used to put forth so much energy towards that because i liked the response i got, but after finally realizing what women are truly all about, i don't care. I mean sure i have my female friends, but i don't want anything more. All bitches.

I win. I get to go onto the next level and try again. I move up. moving on. i'm sorry if i'm not what you want. i'm sorry if i'm not who you thought i was. i'm sorry if your in any way disappointed with who i am. But tough shit. i'm gonna be who i am until the day i die. Sure i've changed over the years, but who doesn't. i'm sorry if i dont 'tickle your fancy' (or whatever the fuck terminology you want to use) like i used to. shit got real serious recently and it took me with it. so the shithead quarterback for the Steelers totally wiped out on his suzuki crotch rocket earlier and basically wasted this whole season before it even starts. I can only think of one thing, his dumb ass smashing into the car and through the windshield with the foo fighters "my hero" song playing in the background. You're a fuckin lame kid. Good Job. Of course i would SUPPORT whatever you do, be it to my disliking or not, it's what your doing. I support YOU, and that covers everything that you do, obviously. I just don't know. Nothing makes sense. I'm being forced to go to a Gretchen somebody country music chick concert saturday. I don't wish this upon anybody, even my worst enemy.