*grumbles frustration and pulls hair out* WHY?! WHY does he have to be so PERFECT?! why does he have to be so amazing NOW?! it's like..... a drug..... they say you never actually stop being addicted to something.... you can quit, but all it takes is just once, and you're hooked again. i... i don't know what to do! i mean, last night, i was sure of myself. last night, i knew it wasn't there. and it wasn't. it wasn't even a... oh, i wish it could be, but i'm not going to let myself do that... it was a simple, it's just not there. but tonight.... tonight, when he grabbed my hand, it was like that chasm i've been staring into just filled up with water... no, not water... something richer... fuller... it was... liquid cement, or taffy. wow, there's a metaphor for you... i mean, it was like every last emotion came rushing back to me all at once, and i just wanted to hold on for dear life because if i didn't, i was going to drown... and then i stopped myself. was this the right choice? was i doing the right thing? i found myself calling, God? God? What do i do what do i do what do i do what do i do? and i waited for the answer to come... and it didn't take long before i thought, you know... i should probably let go. but oh, i didn't want to let go......... it took every ounce of strength in me to let go... all i want to do... is what's best for the both of us. as individuals. i want us both to come out of this as stronger, better people. but oh gosh, i don't know how! i'm so confused right now, doubtless he is too. oh, i didn't want to let go... i like the way i described him to leah earlier. she said something about how she didn't feel the fire from him anymore. (gosh, people, don't take it pervertedly... ugh) and i told her, that's because he isn't a fire. more like, a gentle, warm pile of coals. not big and bold, but gentle, and nowhere near going out. just enough to keep a steady light burning in the darkness. just enough to keep you warm on a cold night. oh, but i'm so cold! the kind of cold that doesn't go away..... the kind of cold that comes from inside, and haunts you... the soul crushing, heart shattering kind of cold... and nothing i do can fix it.... for some reason, the song "I Don't Know How to Love Him" comes to mind.... and i don't know why... you know... i don't think he knows this... but... i know how the bandana disappeared. i don't know what happened to it afterword, but i know it will never be found again. and yet... i came home from camp, stepped into my closet, and the very first thing i saw, was a black bandana. i'd forgotten that i had two. and i buried it in the back of my closet... so i could forget. but now i'm starting to think that bandana is there for a reason. (ooh, i love the drama of symbolism...) i just don't know what that reason is. but i'll figure it out, i know i will. because i have to. and because i have God on my side. God, oh God, what do i do? how do i follow your plan for me? Please, just bend it all to your will, make it go the way You want it to go. In Jesus name I ask for this... I know you will answer my prayer. Amen i... i can't think anymore. i need to get out of here. i need to not think about it all for awhile... i need to write... i need to do something... anything but sit here, waiting for the answers to fall out of the sky. i.... i'm just so confused... "i still remember exactly the way you taste..." And even though I've problems that I'm to battle still Lord, i have no worries for You'll bend them to your will So I thank You for Your presence In everything I do and no matter what the problem i know You'll see me through... Cora