i'm just very sad and very lonely some nights

and frustrated and sweaty and gross and incapable of acting like an adult and sad about things that haven't happened and things that won't happen and percieved slights and real slights and just everything

i'm just very

melancholic

all the time

and i don't know how long i'm supposed to let that slide before it becomes a problem because it doesn't seem like a problem until it's 11 at night and i'm crying for some god forfuckingsaken reason that i don't understand

i don't know

i ate pudding for supper but it wasn't very satisfying.

i wish i'd gone to the movies

i wish i didn't have to work tomorrow or the next day or ever again

i don't understand how i can feel lonely when all i ever do is talk to people

and they're my friends and i know that they're my friends and i know they love me and i still just

i don't know

sometimes i forget how to connect with people and sometimes it feels like they don't really want to connect with me which is selfish and stupid and thought distortion and i can't stop it i can't make it go away

i don't know

i never know. i don't think i've ever known a single thing in my entire life.