Okay, so Lem, I'm going to tell you about what happened after we got off the phone. Well, Matt called, but it was weird. He was telling me about how things are with him, and then kept asking me random questions about my day. Then it was quiet, uncomfortably quiet, and then he told me that he still loves me. What could I say to that? I told him that I had to go, and then he asked if he could call me later. What am I doing? I don't know. Of course I want him back, I always did want him back, but the real problem here is will things be different because I'm different now? But then I don't know if I want to let him hurt me like he did before. So, to refresh my memory, I opened my binder from grade eleven and I found something that I'd written the day after he broke up with me. I was reading the journal entry I'd written about it and then I cried. I thought about how good it all was with us, and then I read how he broke my heart and tossed me aside like I was nothing. There was a poem I'd written, so here it is: to the boy in the snow, whose footprints have long since faded. I turn away and then I look up into your eyes- This moment feels like forever, And all I can hear is my heart beating. My hand is in yours, And I watch as I pull away from you; I'm not listening to your words- Just to the sound of my heart breaking. You're saying things I don't understand, And then I feel the tears Running from my eyes (I don't want to cry in front of you). 'Why don't you love me anymore' I'm thinking as you reach out to Dry my tears with the back of your hand. I look at the ground as I let you go, But I'm still here on the sidewalk Forgotten like a toy in the rain, And I'm still in love with you. So, this was written in October of 2003, a day or two after he killed my soul. I know, a bit dramatic sounding aren't I? But if you think I'm exaggerating on my emotions, you don't understand. He was the love of my life, the only person I ever felt like I loved with all my heart. Things were perfect, there was nothing wrong. But then, things just fell apart. And eight months after we started dating, it ended. This was five months after he told me he loved me, and after he had given me his promise that we'd be together forever (I know, why did I believe the boy?). But still, he was like no one I'd ever known, he was honest with me about everything- it seemed so perfect (maybe it was too perfect to be true). And like an idiot I thought it was all my fault, and so I tried to change myself so he would love me again. But the thing is, I lost myself when I tried to do that. So for the last year or so I've gotten past the hurt, or so I thought, and this past November we started talking again. We hung out a few times, and then I started thinking about us and how it was before. I've realized that I still hurt, and it's not like a dull ache either. It's this full blown pain inside, like we's broken up last week or something. In short, I still love him, there's no doubt about that, but do I want to risk getting stomped on again? I have no answer to that question. The one, the only, Laura Michelle*