Holy shit! It's been ages since I've updated....Well it's been over 2months since I've been allowed to see Ryan. Although we sneak around and stuff. I haven't seen him in over 2wks. I think he was disappointed when we had sex....yeah Im such a whore rite? I've been realliii suicidal as of lately. I won't act on it because I don't wanna give up life and never be able to see Ry again. I miss him so much it's not even funnii. He's the love of my life. I realliii wanna marry him someday. I can't picture myself with anyone else ya kno? But sometimes it gets so hard for me not knowin the next time ill be able to see him. I spend days crying.....I'll never forget when he told me we couldn't see each other. I literattly was so depressed I was confined to my bed. I remember cuz my parents would bring me something if i needed it.....Im crying again....dammit..... Suicide plagues my mind. I have no one to talk to. I am constantly ignored by those I try to talk to, Including Antonio. Ry is the onli one who makes me feel wanted. With everyone else it seems liek they just want me to go away. Maybe I should......I hate my life here. I used to love it because I had Ry to keep me grounded and now...I can't see him that often. I feel my mind drifting in the darkness again towards the dark waters of suicide. Im afraid I will lose control and kill myself. But it won't be actually me killing myself...it will be the other me. My other personality that I have managed to silence till now. it's finally coming back and I want it to go die...but the onli way it will die is if I do. Why do I have 2 personalities? One is so happy and a hopeless romantic...and the other which has recently taken over....is suicidal...depressed and always looking for a new method. I've been reading ash again! OMFG...I am realliii losing it....Another week without Ry and I think it'll be the end of me. I am losing my grip on reality. I don't want to drift into the world of insanity and death again!..... Ryan is my angel....i can onli hope he'll save me again.....if he doesnt...I promise myself I will leave a suicide note....Sadly enough I have already planned what i'd write....here's a rough draft Dear Ryan, I am sorry things had to end this way. I Love you...I really do. You are the only man who I have ever devoted myself to. You could only save me from myself for a short while. You gave me a good 8 months of life. The best times in my entire life. But depression took it's grip again. I was afraid to tell you for fear you would break up with me. A pussy reason I know. That and I figured I'd use the short times we had to talk for better topics. Please don't blame yourself for my death. and please don't go into your state where you don't talk to anyone. I could not in reality be saved. I was too far gone. My life has slipped from my grip. The Amy you fell in love with was my alternate personality. The surpressed one that you brought out in me. This depressed personality became surpressed when I met you and my happy personality took over. Slowly the depressed one took over once again and killed the happiness. I am sorry.....I Love you with all my heart and soul. Please go on with your life. Marry a girl who will make you happy. Forget I ever existed. because I don't think I ever did exist. Maybe I was just an illusion? I loved you in life...I love you in death My heart is forever yours Love you always -Amy- not bad eh? Sometimes I wonder if I do exist. I think I am dead and this whole thing is just an illusion to show me what life would be liek if i weren't dead....no wait i cant physically be dead....I wouldn't be feeling this pain...dammit. I wish death would come. Why can't I get into a car accident and die? Then I'd have no guilt about dying. Then Ry wouldn't feel guilty and he could go on with his life. Antonio would never have to hear from me. And ryan's mom would never have to hear about me again. Ryan would have all his freedoms back. His life would be better without me....I think I have just made his life hell since i walked into his world. I'm scared of myself right now. the urge to die is trying to drag me under liek currents from the ocean. The demons are trying to convert me back to suicidaldom....onli I won't let them. Love is winning against suicide rite now....But for how much longer? I don't kno. I can onli hope my love for Ryan is strong enough to help continue get me through these hard times. If it werent for him I'd be long dead. He's the only thing keeping me here. My friend's don;t care about me. My pets are slowly dying off. Im sure Katie could take care of them. My parents think I am a total freak. I am the blacksheep of the family. The unwanted one. I think Ryan is the onli one who wants me around.... I wonder if I should have taken Adam's advice to hang myself back in November.... Well I guess this is a long enuff post. Ima start posting here more often -_- -The former Razor whore-