Life sux majorly Well today has sucked majorly. Morning wasn't to bad. Was half dead though because I hadn't gotten to bed early enough and then I had homework. Ya kno the story. Then like in CREW we got to watch a movie about that Our Lady of Angel's fire which was very depressing. 2nd period was kinda gay. 3rd hour was pathetic. Ms. M was begging for ideas and stuff. I was like um yeah ok...lol... 4th hour gay, 5th hour I actually understand the math.... yeah Go me! heh 6th hr. Was ok still gotta do my hw, 7th hr was boring then hell man I wanted to sleep. 8th hour is lunch and I had to find a poem for the poetry contest. Supposably when Lunch was over there was a food fight and fights almost broke out in the hallway so yeah we got bitched at in Gym. They are talking about cancelling the dinner dance. I hope they do cuz like yeah I ain't really interested. it's so boring. Shop class was such a different story though. I was like talking to Melissa and I thought I felt some one touching my ass but in Shop class we're always close and accidently getting touched is common. Well turns out it was Charles and he grabbed my ass after class. I really hate when guys do that. I have enough issues with Anxiety out in public places. i hate going to the mall because I feel like everyone is watching me. Course its like that in the hallway at skool. And now with April being National Poetry month, yeah so like it's gonna be worse. I fucking hate this shit..... I hate being paranoid when I'm outside. i get Paranoid around guys. I hate the way I look, I want to go on a Crash diet and not eat at all. But I've lost that self control. I just want to Binge and purge. Bad thing tho is I can't purge with my parents home. that's what I loved about when my parents worked. I could starve all day. Then come home eat whatever the hell I want and then spend the next 25mins leaning over the toilet shoving a toothbrush down my throat gagging. Eventually I learned to hate the feeling of the stomach acid burning the back of my throat, So I would cut those foods out. I was eventually down to three small salads a day w/o dressing and I would purge those Asap. I could throw up on command. It was great. Till that damn FL trip fucked me up. I was looking my best then. I need to do that again. I'll eventually get to it when my dad goes back to work. Makes it easier on me. Then like yeah, That Damn Suicidal Ideation comes and goes. It drives me nuts. I'll be sitting in class and then like suddenly I have the urge to Slit my wrists with scissors. Or in the morning when walking to skool I wanna just jump in front of a bus or incoming traffic. Just anything. Then Scott was telling me that when he was going thru his low times that he kept telling himself "I Ain't leaving Angel" I thought that was so sweet. Looks like it worked cuz he's still here. But then again it made me feel so guilty!When I think About killing myself, I don't think of anyone or I try not to. i don't want a reason to live. I always go over my reasons to die.....Damn hate feeling guilty. Damn Concious. Ah yeah at skool today was listening to the sound track of my life. i totally love LeAnn Rimes cd "Twisted Angel" its the best.... Life Goes on- Kinda obvious Wound up- this song I can totally relate to. It's about a little girl who suffers alone and no one knows because she tries to hide it with Perfectionism. Safest Place- Love this song because I've always had a lack of affection in my life so this song expresses the way i want to be treated Trouble with good bye- Damn can totally relate! I have major fear of rejection Damn- Kind of depression song Suddenly- Kind of like a suicide song Tic toc- The sexual chapter of my life....heh Sign of life- This song is so true! Review my kisses-...... No way Out Love is an Army You made me find myself----All three of those songs have a special meaning due to an event in my life thats really personal Twisted Angel- describes me! heh And there you have it the soundtrack of my life.... Anyways... It's late better start my hw