As I type this. Blood seeps from the new cuts on my wrists.... Adam called me tonight and I had the most powerful conversation I've had in a long time. He got me to open up and think in ways I've never thought was possible. We talked for like 3hrs......I love the sound of his voice. He's such a nice guy. Before we hung he told me about a chick he knew who had been raped by her grandfather and how he helped her deal a little bit with her sexual feelings. After we hung. I dunno I can't explain it. I started to shake and tears started.....I'm still shaking......I was zoned out. Next thing I knew I was like in a 3D movie...... The room was a peachish with bluish color.......There was a bed. a few posters and a drumset. I saw Joe...He looked like he was 11...Then I saw Nick sittin on the bed....He looked 7....And then I saw Myself. My 6yr old self. And everything happened like a movie. I saw it all. I remembered everything. Joe touching me. Getting me to perform oral. Him putting his fingers in me. I have never ever ever remembered details like this. It seemed like forever but like I snapped out of it and only 3minutes had passed.....I found my trusty bic razor and cut my wrists as hard as I could. The blood is still running. I don't know what to feel......Like i'm being Violated all over again. Tonight was the first time I let myself cry over it. So many years ago but the pain is still there and raw. I want to forget it ever happened. But I know I can't. The memories are still there. I can still feel every ounce of pain. Liek I dunno....I can't explain it....... Gawd I'm fuckin confused