-in bed-
Me: Does it feel good...?
Him: -eyes hooded- ...I love you --
Me: -slaps in the face- Fuck you. -slaps again- I could fucking rip off your face right now. -wrestles out of embrace in anger-
Him: No wait-- -tightens embrace before finally giving up- aggh -- that’s not what I meant --
Me: Shut the fuck up. -curls into a ball, turned away in silent tears-
-a moment of silence passes- -he takes a breath- -moves closer and embraces-
Him: -whispering into ear- I’m sorry. -sigh- I shouldn’t have said it like that -- I’m an asshole. Fuck. I’m so sorry.
Me: -deep breath, holding back sobs- -avoids gaze, but grabs his hair to turn his head- -whispers into ear- Kevin... -voice shaking- I love you... but if you can’t say it to my face, then don’t fucking say it when I’m giving you head.
Him: I’m sorry..... Gah, that’s not what I meant..... >__________<. -regretful sigh- -then, slowly and sincerely- ... You do know that I love you, right?
Me: -voice cracking- Sometimes, I don’t know. -starts crying- -takes a breath- ... But... you don’t have to say it to me... I mean, for the past month... you’ve been showing it. And I’ve been soo happy.... -tears of happiness- ... I do know now. I do know now.
...
Me: It's just that... I can't remember the last time you said it to me. -holding back tears- And I don't want to remember it now as the first time I gave you head.... -takes a breath- You know, if I didn’t believe I know you so well, I would feel like complete shit right now.
...
Me: You understand where I’m coming from though, right? I mean, when I do something new, I’m fragile. Veryy fragile. That’s all. I’ll be fine.
Him: -sincerely- I’m so sorry.
Me: I know. It’s okay.
Him: No, it's not okay =/.
Me: It will be. Don't worry.
...
Me: You know, I’m much stronger than this. But that’s what Love does. YOU make me weak. But at the same time, Love can make you very, very strong..... It's amazing... and strange.
...
Me: -looking into his eyes- I've given you too many firsts.
Him: -breaks eye contact, sighs with regret-
Me: -guides eyes back with a gentle finger under his chin- Wait, what are you thinking right now?
Him: -no answer-
Me: ...Are you sad?
Him: ...Yes.
Me: Don't be. It's not really a bad thing.... -thinks- It just means that... hm... that you have a lot of responsibility now, you know what I mean? -looks deeply into his eyes- I trust you. I'm only doing these things because I'm with you, okay? I don't regret anything.
Him: -gentle smile-
...
Me: I don’t want to give you any more reasons not to be in this relationship, okay? YOU deserve ME. I deserve YOU. We deserve each other. Don’t think anything else, because it’s not true.
Him: -gives a small smile of acceptance-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-sigh.- Man, the things that happen in the latest hours of the night, the things that take sleep away and replace it with memories of growth and pain and new awareness.
Another thing that I didn't write about was our "break" that came a bit after six months -- which ultimately led to our renewal. Thank God for those such times of brokenness that in the end lead to an even more aware sense of completion and strength.
... outside by the lake, looking at the unperturbed surface that reflected back the stars from the clear night sky, the air brisk and getting colder, sometime between three and four in the morning ...
-picking me up and standing while cradling me in his arms, swaying peacefully-
Him: What was it again? Oh — ‘And when there was only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.'