Firstly, I'd like to say that I'm in love with this song. I've been playing it over and over, and I just can't get enough of the lyrics, the pure sound of her voice, and the innocent honesty that Kate Nash possesses as she sings it. It strikes me inside, and even though I know I can't completely relate, I sincerely wish for the day when I finally know a love so deep that when it ended, it would hurt just as painfully as this song. I don't care how naive that sounds, because I believe such an experience would be worth it. But anyhow, this song isn't the main reason I'm writing this entry. Truth is, I was reminded -- ever so accidentally, unintentionally, innocently, and maybe a little, only a little, condescendingly and hypocritically -- of how selfishly my mind tends to work. See, the thing is that my career/life plan came up again ever so fatefully by the lockers. As of today, with pushes and pulls from the parents and certain Filipino bystanders like my chemistry teacher and her husband, coupled with, I must admit, my own curiosity, I have decided to pursue pharmacy. When we were packing our bags afterschool by the lockers, I mentioned to Moleca that I would have to change my AP to Biology. "Oh," she said. "Why?" "Well, I've decided that I'm going into pharmacy, and AP Bio would definitely be better towards that than AP English." Then she looked at me in that way that literature would describe as "pointedly". And she asked me, "Oh, so you've decided? Why would you like to go into it?" I answered, "Well... it would cater to my strengths. Numbers, science, chemistry -- I would be good at it. And I wouldn't mind the work. I think it's something I could definitely do well in." It's funny, though, because she was looking at me as I casually talked, as I acted so very casually, me moving my hands, looking away occasionally. Casually. So I was caught off guard when I noticed a strange expression come across her face. She had been packing her bookbag with her books and things from her locked, but she sort of froze and looked pointedly at me again, holding her books in her arms. A little signal went off slightly in my head. I think I may have uttered, "What?" But she regained her composure and resumed movement. "Oh, I saw GC's status yesterday. He was talking about something called 'Global Citizen Year' so I looked it up!" "Oh, what was it?" I asked. "Well, they go to impoverished countries, say, like Africa, and they live there and just basically help people out and help them get better, medically or just by being there." "Oh, wow, that sounds epic." "Yeah. I really want to do it. That's why I want to go into pharmacy." Strange silence. I had thought we changed the subject. So imagine my confusion when we came back to that. The little alarm went off again, and I felt like I was missing something. It wasn't until I continued thinking about it after she left, thinking about the hesitation and awkwardness she possessed, and the statement she just made, that I realized she was almost correcting me in a sense. She had to put her own opinion in, and in turn, she made me feel like a self-centered idiot. Honestly, I'm not hurt by it, lol. It just disturbs me, because I absolutely despise people who try to make others seem lower than themselves. Now, whether she did it on purpose or not, her statement made me feel lower indeed. Alright, I'll admit that I felt that she was acting unfairly self-righteous, and that is what I can't stand. The thing is, I've accepted that that way I am is because of how I was raised. Now, I know you can't blame one's upbringing for everything, but honestly, such "selflessness" is something that needs time, experience, and motivation to develop -- all things that were void in my childhood. Am I a terribly arrogant, manipulative, evil, conniving bitch? No. I'm incapable of being manipulative. I am not arrogant -- and my stating this does not make me arrogant, as some, I'm sure, would argue. I am simply stating truths: I may not go out of my way to save the world. I may not even go out of my way to ask everyone single person with a long face, "What's wrong?" -- I may not even notice. I may not have a tearing of heart for past massacres in the Killing Fields or Nanking -- it may just be a slight pang. But do I love my friends? Yes. And will I consciously choose not IM them even though it's a day when they're feeling down because I'm busy with schoolwork and I just want to silently hope that someone else can lend them an ear that night? Yes. Will I let them cry on my shoulder? Yes. Will I eventually stop trying to break down their inner emotional walls when they're not willing to open up? Yes. Do I lend homework? Yes. When the opportunity arises, do I suggest and offer things and actions for others so that their lives might be the slightest bit easier to handle? Yes. Do I choose not to sit there contemplating how I can make each person's day better in every minute of my life? Yes. Thing is, my parents still brought me up right, in a strange sense. I do many things because it's simply the right thing, not because it would make someone better or brighten up someone's day. Hard to discern, yes? It's just basically that my first motivation for anything is almost always the fact that, "This is what is right and it should be done." Therefore, I do it for... no one? I certainly don't do it for myself -- I'm not that horribly self-centered. I don't even think I can say that I do it for God, because my thought isn't, "This is what God says I should do." I honestly just do it simply because it is right. There's a thin line somewhere, I'm sure. I never really realized it myself before, but it's there, alright. Overall? I'm happy with how I am. I feel more in tune with myself, my mind, my body, and my emotions much more than I feel Moleca is. Definitely. So I'll just keep on being who I am, and possibly even making myself a better person, even if it is in my own little ways. And I seriously need to stop comparing myself to others because I'm really not at all bad myself. And that's a comforting thought. C ya, *Ai-Rini