I always believed in self-control.

I mean, what else is reason for? Without reason, without deliberate, thoughtful action, we are just as good as animals.

This is what I always thought.

And just as always, there is a tiny part inside me that rebels.

How liberating, how raw, how passionate it must be to let oneself go.

I wonder what it is like.

Perhaps to let oneself go is to embrace and accept one's own pure essence. Perhaps it is to witness one's true nature, unrestrained, unedited.

I never really believed that the true nature of human kind is evil.

And yet, I find myself believing that one should always be in control of one's own nature, to never give in to it completely, to always act with restraint.

Perhaps I should simply make it a New Year resolution to think less and act more.

Ironic, considering how I have spent the last couple of years teaching myself how to think.

To think, constantly.

Lately, all this thinking has led me to question whether I am authentic or not.

Is it possible that reason, that which I treasure so highly in my life, causes me to always be edited? Causes me to always withold my true nature?

I've always believed in being genuine, raw, and pure. That is why I don't give much value to the usage of substances.

But, have I ever been completely raw and pure in terms of an unedited, completely embraced essence?

One memory comes to mind. The exact memory that, now that I think about it, was probably the experience that led me to treasure self-restraint, self-control, in the first place.

Hah. Ironic.

Maybe I will never truly experience true, raw essence until sex.

Dare I say... after all these years, I'm beginning to understand it now.

And I had thought that I had already defined my grasp on this.