Somethin' filled up my heart with nothin'. Someone told me not to cry. But now that I'm older, my heart's colder, and I can see that it's a lie. --"Wake Up" by The Arcade Fire. Is this healthy? I'd seriously like to know.... You wrote another note on FB today. Completely made -- No. Ruined? No.... Changed my day. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Where The Wild Things Are Tuesday, October 20, 2009 at 2:34am A bit long, but its a bit of myself exposed. I decided to make my first canvas painting in over a year on the one thing that I could most relate the piece to. I grew up in Bronx, NY with a single hard working mother and an older sister. My father was an intelligent man who wandered everywhere unable to settle and come to terms with neither himself nor society. There were two things that I knew he found comfort and solace in aside from a pack of cigarettes. They were the soulful voice of Sade and the children's book "Where The Wild Things Are". Growing up I struggled between people telling me how much I resembled my father and how much I should be nothing like him. I was an artist, just like my father, in a world of striving Latinos where art was undervalued and discouraged. I believe that was and has always been my father's struggle, an inability to settle what he was born to be with what the world expected of him. I, however, was born in the United States and thus made it easier for society to take away my paintbrush (or toothbrush when I could not afford one) and hand me a pen and to take away my apron (or old T-shirts) and hand me a suit. I will never forget being 13 years old and sitting at a bus stop with a box containing a painting that I had won a prize for and had displayed at the Brooklyn Museum of Art and a book containing a poem I had published. The box was stolen from me and when I returned home, the only thing I could find to carry my work was a sort of small briefcase. I thought I had lost a part of myself, but I soon learned that some things inside of us refuse to leave. During my early adolescence I started running away from home frequently. I'd spend hours on the train station platforms listening to jazz bands and watching businessmen walk past them. I'd write poems on discarded flyers and sometimes fall asleep on the train, not out of sleepiness, but simply to see where it would take me. I stood on the threshold while away at a boarding school during my freshman year of high school. I'd wear a suit and blend in with the sons and daughters of multi-millionaires and return to my room to paint my heart out till 3 or 4 in the morning. Mid-year, my works were noticed and they began to sell for ridiculous amounts. But I paid an even heavier price. My art had lost its purpose and I felt myself becoming tame. I returned to New York the following year after my mom endured a nearly fatal car accident and was left disabled and unemployed. I felt pathetic at the thought that all I had to give her was a painting that I had made for her entitled "The Optimist". I had returned to a society in great need of Latino leadership and so I locked away my paint and brushes and began working with members of City Council and Congress. I gave speeches at various High Schools that I had worked with and spent my summers donning suit and tie at podiums. I travelled around the world on business and leisure trips and became further interested in human rights and development. My paintbrush had become a gable. Despite all of my hatred for it, I found a replacement comfort that the world had not taken from me: a pack of cigarettes. I am an International Studies: Political Science major and between all of the required reading, I've wondered what it would be like to touch a canvas again. I had dismissed the thought over and over, a voice telling me to just focus on my schoolwork. But there was another voice, a feeling that made me want to stand on a table, rip off my clothes and scream at the top of my lungs. I recognized that feeling. My heart pounded silently and my skin tingled as I stood from my bed and my hands reached for the two packs of cigarettes on my desk. I stood in the dark, bits of light entering from the window, and savored the feeling of my fingers crushing the boxes before discarding them. As I stood there, it was as though I could hear coming from my walls, drawers, cups, chairs and heart: "Let the wild rumpus start!". It grew louder and louder keeping me half awake till the next day when I laid hands on a canvas and began to paint a scene from "Where The Wild Things Are". In life we must sacrifice a lot of things but the one thing we should never sacrifice is ourselves. We can try to mask our identity with drinking, sex, drugs, social norms, textbooks and psychology. But in every heart, there is something dying to break free. Inside of every person there is a Wild Thing -I'll be uploading pictures soon and may be using the piece as part of a fundraiser. Thanks for reading. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Since I think my thoughts out better when I share them with someone else: Rini: Uhm Rini: You there? moleca: Indeed! moleca: Is everything alright? D: moleca: I just returned from getting my fortune teller getup ready for Thursday xD Rini: Hooray :] Rini: I haven't gotten much done lol Rini: I just want to tell someone lol Rini: that Rini: GC wrote another note >_> Rini: And so, I spiral down for awhile Rini: But I suppose I'm picked back up now xD Rini: It's like a Rini: compulsion Rini: or some sort of negative relapse lol Rini: I don't enjoy it =/ moleca: uwahh D: moleca: -hug- moleca: What kind of note was it? Rini: More about his life Rini: And things he has realized Rini: He's painting again Rini: And for that I'm really happy for him. moleca: So why have you spiraled down? Rini: Because Rini: I think it's because I never got closure Rini: It just faded Rini: Which in reality means it never faded Rini: WEll I mean, never disappeared Rini: Like, everytime he comes up Rini: I wonder what it would have been like Rini: If something had happened. moleca: uwahhh >_< Rini: But yeahhhhhh it's quite annoying moleca: So it's not like you're going to start having feelings for him again, is it? Rini: Eh Rini: The word feelings has to be defined Rini: If you mean if I'm going to think about him for the rest of today, the answer is yes Rini: But I'm not going to do anything other than -like- his note moleca: Uwahh, I see >.< moleca: Just try not to think about what could have been, because no one knows that :[ Rini: Mhmm true moleca: All you have is what's in front of you right now, so you have the choice to start interaction with him again or not moleca: But is it something like if you two started talking again, you would want him to start it? Rini: WEll Rini: It's not a pride thing, like oh, heee should start it Rini: It's the fact that I've tried starting it Rini: I think I've given up Rini: But I would welcome it if something did start up again. Rini: I think that makes sense Rini: *tried starting it before moleca: So it's kind of like the whole Khoa thing, in some sense moleca: You're not going to do anything to likee moleca: disturb the way things are now moleca: But if he showed any sign of wanting something more, you would take it? Rini: I would categorize Rini: shit Rini: Uhm, yes Rini: I suppose that is right. moleca: @___@ Rini: Hm Rini: I categorize my feelings for Giancarlo as something that was more serious than any feelings I've had for Khoa. Rini: *that were moleca: Ahh, yes yes @_@ Rini: This is one of those things Rini: that you can't really do anything about. So you just live with it. Rini: But when I say it like that, I sound so helpless moleca: Mmmm, i see Dx moleca: Like some kind of cylce? Rini: Haha Rini: I do go through cycles. That I am aware of. Rini: Thesee certain cycles though are brought up when he's reappears again. Rini: It's not me Rini: It's him Rini: Usually something to do with him back on Facebook Rini: And posting something, and I see it Rini: Then it is initiated. moleca: :[ moleca: I wish it wouldn't be this way for you Dx Rini: Aw thank you :'D Rini: Nah, this is the way things work for me Rini: But it's weird Rini: I think he's the person that I really haven't had closure on? Rini: I can't think of anything esle. Rini: *else Rini: *anyone Rini: I think that's the worst of it Rini: If we had something good, and it failed, that would still be closure. Rini: If we tried, and it ended in disaster, that would still be closure. Rini: But technically, I have nothing. moleca: guhhhhhhhh @___@ Rini: Ah rawr lol Rini: I think Rini: I have to meet someone else as unique as him Rini: And that would either distract me or at least provide some kind of secondary closure. Rini: Because really, I don't feel this way all the time because I am distracted by life, which is good. Rini: It would be different if I saw him every day or something -- God forbid. O_O moleca: that would be rough O_O Rini: Well Rini: The only way for me to get over it now would be to get distracted XD moleca: But ah, at least you'll be busy for a while, so you won't have room in your head to dwell on these kinds of things too much :'D - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Ivy: Rini: Like, everytime he comes up Rini: I wonder what it would have been like Rini: If something had happened. Ivy: ohhhh myyyy goooooodddddddd >< Ivy: that was me yesterdayyyyyy :[[[[[ Rini: DDDDDDDDD: Ivy: Donnie >< Rini: With whom??? Rini: OD D: Rini: :[ :[ :[ Rini: MERRRRRRRRRRRRRR Rini: -hug- Rini: I know how you feel =/ Ivy: like omg x.x Ivy: Chris saw him, but i didn't get to see him Ivy: cause i was at the meeting and guests weren't allowed in Ivy: and by the time i made it to the dorms Ivy: he had left Ivy: and i felt guilty kinda cause Rini: Odd Ivy: i hadn't realized that Ivy: the whole day i was excited to see him x.x Ivy: i felt releeeee bad Rini: odddddd Ivy: not that i didnt see him Ivy: but bad cause im like D: Rini: For wanting to Ivy: yesss >< Ivy: i was happy i saw everyone else tho :] Ivy: but its like ugh >< Rini: Well if I was still with Casey, I would feel that way x_x Rini: But :[ Ivy: ef4biuqieigfhnerbhn Ivy: honestly i understand how u feel Ivy: only difference is that i still talk with donnie Ivy: -sighs- can I tell you something? Rini: Yes? Rini: I mean *yes Rini: -_- Ivy: lol xD ur away just made me die cause i spazzed too xD Ivy: but ugh T_T Ivy: you know Ivy: i was talking to mika one day Ivy: i forgot when Ivy: and she was telling me how Ivy: she still has high standards... and she was telling me how its like Ivy: kinda bad lol Ivy: cause she was telling me how like she asks paul Ivy: if he figured out what he wants to do Ivy: or what college he wants to go to Ivy: and he;s like no Ivy: and shes like ohh its okay! but inside shes like X_X Rini: I would figuree Rini: Yeah Rini: It's kind of how like Ivy: but u knoww shes like <3333 so she forgives him xD Rini: I learnedddd I had high standards after I met Casey x_x Rini: I hate to say it like that Rini: But I never thought about guys like you and Mika Rini: Like the whole judging thing Rini: I kind of just jumped on it Rini: -_- Rini: And I learned my lesson that way. Rini: It was a lesson I really needed to learn though. Rini: But she does like Paul though, so I guess that's good? Ivy: mhmm yeahh Ivy: she was telling me all of that Ivy: but then Ivy: i kinda realized Ivy: that I'm the same X_X Ivy: kinda x.x Ivy: I mean chris says that he wants to go to cpu engineeering and such Ivy: but there are times where he's like "idkkkk" and im like Ivy: ohh its okayy Ivy: but idk... yesterday Ivy: I felt reallllyyyyyy guilty like u have no ideaaaa x.x and I was planning on talking to u or mika Ivy: but i was OD tired and fell asleep by accident Rini: Aw DX Ivy: but x.x sometimes I get scared that if i talk to donnie too much or start seeing him again more often Ivy: (im going to the show, and sometime next week... and they told me about the sleepver thing again x.x) Rini: odddd DX Rini: You might start liking him? Ivy: i might start liking him again >< and its like shit... noo. Ivy: like ive been iming him less Ivy: and stuff Rini: :[ Rini: Mhmm Ivy: i mean we still do talk now and then Ivy: and i mean i doooo love chrissss Rini: Do you know why though? Rini: Is it because you'd like something new? Ivy: but i feel so bad holy shit >< Ivy: well... Rini: Or something DX Ivy: i think its cause of 2 things... Ivy: 1: what u said Ivy: that i wonder sometimes Ivy: what it would've been like if something had happened Ivy: cause remember we were pretty close before Ivy: and he had admitted to me that he liked me and shit X___X Rini: Mhmm Ivy: but he went to CU, and I met chris, so we just stayed as friends Rini: No closure? Rini: Yeah Rini: I feel like Rini: If I met someone and I really liked him Ivy: and 2: cause he odddd knows what he wants ... like he wanted to go to cu, start engineering, and get a good job and stuff Ivy: and he got all of that already x.x Rini: And even 6 months into our relationship, I met Giancarlo again, and he asked me on a date Rini: I would say yes. Rini: To Giancarlo. Rini: To see if things would happen Rini: -_- Ivy: when i found out what his sat scores were and crap.... i was like holy shit x.x Rini: I would be willing to risk something new to try out something old again, to see if it would really work. Rini: x_X Rini: And yeah, like you Ivy: i mean im not comparing him to chris.. its just that Rini: I'm in love with Giancarlo and his characteristics Rini: I don't know how we would get along Rini: But I love his words Rini: And his thoughts Rini: Expressed in his Facebook note Rini: And things like that -_- Rini: And how he's smart Rini: And extemporaneous Rini: And poetic Rini: And -_- Rini: Gah let me stop Ivy: (5:34:15 PM) Rini: I don't know how we would get along (5:34:15 PM) Rini: But I love his words Rini is typing... Rini: >_< Rini: Mhm. Rini: The idea of him. Rini: That is what I am in love with. Rini: The guy that will make something out of himself Rini: Because he is smart and knows how to act to chase his dreams Rini: Who is one of a kind and is willing to do things differently from everyone else Rini: And just has the thoughts that he has Rini: That is the guy I am in love with. :x Rini: But that's me Rini: It's the idea of Donnie you like, yes? Ivy: yesss >< Rini: But you might also have chemistry together too? :x Rini: I wouldn't know, I'm asking. Ivy: i mean i know chris is trying as well Ivy: but i feel like Ivy: someone has to keep pushing him Ivy: and has to motivate him, u know? Rini: Mhm Ivy: donnie has done all that on his own x.x Ivy: guhhh and i feel bad :[ Ivy: obviously nothing is going to happen tho Ivy: cause im not going to let it Ivy: and also cause donnie wouldn;t do that Rini: Mhm Rini: But the thoughts Rini: are what make you feel guilty ;[ Rini: *:[ Rini: Ah but see. Sometimes you can't control your thoughts, but it's your actions that you cann control. Rini: So just by acting this way Rini: You are making a choice. Rini: to choose Chris. Rini: So you shouldn't feel so bad <3 Ivy: mena >< Ivy: mmm but yeah Ivy: its weird though Rini: DX Ivy: cause i was happy all day and then i got to my friend Gabe's room and he dorms with donnie Ivy: and he was like "ahhh u just missed him D:" Ivy: and i was like awww Ivy: and i felt like shit Ivy: and then right after Rini: Ahhh od Ivy: i felt od guilty x_X Ivy: cause of that Ivy: i kinda told myself Ivy: that i shouldn't feel that way x_X Ivy: so i just went running down the hall knocking at everyone's door xD Ivy: to open up and let mee innn xP Ivy: and they were happy to see us lol Ivy: but guh yeahhhh