- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE LETTER. Dearest Casey, I’m sure at some point I’ve mentioned the way I usually respond to Khoa’s videomails. Since they’re ten minutes long, I always take notes so that I don’t miss anything I want to respond to. I’m a strange person like that, and I hope you’ll hear me out; I have to write this letter for that same reason. First, I want to say that I haven’t been avoiding you online. After the last day you came over, I made the resolution that I would spend the rest of my summer with the least amount of distraction so I could do work. A LOT of work. And so I have. I’m sorry that it affected you so, but at the same time, I convinced myself that this was how things would be when school started anyway. In a strange way, I wanted to prepare you for that. Because after all, school comes before everything for me – even my music. You know that :[. And then when I came back from Six Flags, my mom made me feel guilty about not being able to practice piano, so the next day, I practiced for five hours so that I would be prepared for my lesson that night. I didn’t touch my computer all day. Alright, that’s all the intro stuff. Now: Remember we watched that episode of Bones where Hodgins proposed to Angela at dinner? She said no, and her only reason was that “I just have to have that feeling”. That’s the same way I feel right now. When we were first talking, I had that feeling. I definitely had that feeling when we were on that hill in Central Park. But somewhere along the way, I realized that I lost that feeling, and like what Angela said, “It has nothing to do with you.” You didn’t do anything wrong. There wasn’t some action or event when I was just like, “Because this happened, we’re not going to work.” I just realized over the span of about a weekend that what we are isn’t boyfriend-girlfriend material. We have the physical stuff down pat, but that isn’t all I’m looking for. I wanted that someone whom I called “my boyfriend” to be someone whom I would fall in love with, but when I lost that feeling, I realized that I am not meant to fall in love with you. In this same breath, I hope you haven’t given me your heart. If you have, know that I never meant to break it and that today, I am merely giving it back to you -- whole, like it was before. I remember what you told me about that girl who “faded away”. I am NOT that girl. First, you were my very first boyfriend, and I had many firsts with you (I sound repetitive). Thank you for that, and I will never forget you. Second, there is no fucking way that just because I can’t call you my boyfriend anymore, I’m not going to see you. Or talk to you. Or our groups won’t hang out all together. You are such a good guy, and it would be way beyond stupid for me to pass up such a good friend. I may be ridiculously busy this year, but I want to keep bonding over little perverted things and underground hip-hop and YouTube video sharing via Tokbox, and all that good stuff – if you let me. I enjoyed that so much. So I’m asking you: Can I be your best friend? Your first legit girlfriend, Irene