This rage has overcome. No more will I shun those thoughts I've had. This lie I've lived. I let them put the blame on me. Engulfed in hate, retaliate. You can't conceal these thoughts. You can't disguise this rage. You have overstepped your boundaries... --- I was told/read in a few entries of people on this always lovely site that it is to be shutting down. I guess I am upset by it? Is that what I should be? Honestly, it is just like everything else that has come to endings in this life of mine except through this I have actually gained friendships to some extent, and no longer speaking to them, I guess I would have to say that I would miss their words. Since I have come to realize that I need these online journal things more than I ever thought - I have created another one at a different location for those who read this now and would like to continue reading my words. It is at blurty and my username is saltforwounds [same as on DF boards] but I will probably leave that and finally give in to both Sarah and Attila's pleadings for me to join livejournal. Maybe I will just leave this place before it actually has the chance to be shut down. -shrug- Maybe the change of diary places is needed for the same reasons that I continue to change my AIM alias and only tell few people that I have changed it. Becuase I run from things, and in this case it would be people, people whom insist on fighting with me over stupid things. People whom continue to ask questions of how I live my life. People whom would rather watch me fall further than I have ever been before. The same as I run from saying what I really think to many of the people in my real life. The same reason that when I am asked "What's wrong?" by my mother or anyone else that my reply is no when it is quite the opposite. How do you explain that nothing was ever really "okay?" That I can no longer remember a time when I actually felt happy? Dana came over the other day and after I lied to her and told her that I we were about to leave for the store I disappeared upstairs to go get shoes on, as I was leaving the house, just not to go to the store but to walk far back into the woods and sit on the leaf ground while waiting for the rain to arrive. When I came back downstairs I saw that she had left, but left behind a bible and a roseary. There was a note sticking out of the horrid book, and it is sitting on my top bunk. Moving gently with the wind created from my ceiling fan. Do I really want to open it and read the words in which she could have written? Are they really worth reading at all? I do not want to listen to her bullshit anymore. I do am tired of her continously trying to change me, to make me a better person. She says she is doing it out of friendship, but if that be the case would she not accept who I am and let it be? My mother still wants to know what I have against Dana for not speaking to her anymore. I never told her the real fights, just the really stupid ones that Dana started. No, I have lied to my mother, in addition to many other people, about everything in my life. Everything is hidden behind lies, for the fear of being discovered. I fear what happened at school with Joanna - people to just suddenly care. I do not want that sudden attention and caring of what I am thinking or doing. If I confess out loud to someone about those things, then that is going to be exactly what happens. It is not what Jess wants in her life. I dropped one of our glass cups last night on "accident." I gathered the three largest pieces and pocketed them in my jeans before going to clean up the rest and left a note since everyone was asleep saying that what I did was an accident when I was getting one out to get some water. What was done with those pieces need not to be explained as it speaks for itself. Mark has done his damage on myself again. He called the house around ten last night and after our usual words of arguments were exchanged he said to me - "Go ahead and go cry some more to all your other friends, the ones that will never know the real you because you are living your two lives, Jess. You are living out what you want to be and who you really are. How long is it before you let the two collide and end your fear of being murdered and do it yourself? Then you can find out if there is a God and a hell and you can see just how many people lied to you in your life when your funeral is to come." Why is that everyone says friends are better than family? When, Mark had to speak those words to me and cause the realization that I am alone to slap me back in the face. Mark had been my friend since 7th grade - now he is the one person I hate more than anything. Is that how it is supposed to work? Why do people force the fact that you must have friends to be happy? Why does my mother always urge for me to call up friends and have them over just to hang out? Friends have done nothing for me in my real life. Am I really that cast out of what is defined as normal that I really am my own best friend? Again, these questions are to go unanswered as I desperately seek the true meaning to the purposes of people's words when they say - "You need more friends, not just a computer to give attention to." Both Kaitlyn and Arlene told me that this morning. Maybe not the words exactly, but both their meanings were pretty clear. So what is it that I am doing today? Laying on the carpet of my room floor after I complete the needed things on the computer. I will fall asleep on the floor, I will awake on the floor and I will continue my sprawled out condition until there is a waking desire to move the limbs of my body. Did I mention that the hair turned out more pink than the first time? I did now, since it will be clear from my mind the next time I am to type here. Welcome the days of nothingness... This is a permanent solution to a temporary problem... -_- Now I've got your back against the wall. Forever trapped, staring through the eyes of a criminal. A broken home, left alone. An excuse you used, don't bullshit me. Save all the breath that you can breathe. Engulfed in flames, Incinerate. You can't conceal my thoughts and you can't disguise my hate. Staring through my eyes...