For the first time in like a few years I was sick. On Monday I threw up like 3 times and I just felt horrible then last night I threw up once and then today I stayed home from school again and just said I felt better so I wouldn't be lagged down on make-up work but my stomach still feels like I'm about to throw up any minute and yearbook is still plaguing my mind with the horrible thoughts of how bad the class was and is. Laura and Jamie tryed to help but the only help I'll get is when I'm finally out of the class. So yes, I kind of didn't write in here in a LONG time, same with my blurty. I just never want to go back to school, the one good thing about missing those two days was not going to yearbook. I know most of you probably just say to drop out but I know it's not that easy at all the deadline for the first page is due soon and I have nothing done so if I was to leave someone could easily pick up where I left off so I am going to put all my fears of what my mom will end up saying and then going to talk to her about it TONIGHT and then with her support behind me. (I HOPE) I will go into the counselor's office tomorrow and try my best to be out of the class by the end of the week and if not, then it's a whole bunch of hell until the end of the semester and I'm able to leave. -sigh and cuddles in corner- I just want it all to be over, I want it to go away and I want every little pain in my head and body to go away. I just want to be a nothing and lay around and do NOTHING with no hurt caused to me by people or things I want it all over but it will never end unless I bring it upon myself, I don't think I can kill myself just yet I still have things that need to be said to the people I have been holding out on and I still have one last thing to do and that is to tell my dad how I REALLY feel about him then I can end my life, but that won't happen now nor will it ever happen because I'm too big of a coward. I'm too scared of what people would think or say that I don't bother with anything anymore. My grade is still failing in Geometry, I'm still in yearbook because I don't have the guts to tell my mom how I really feel, let alone do something about it at the counselor's office, I'm too afraid to show my feelings to some people and I'm to stupid to pass Geometry. I don't care that Dana said I have nothing wrong in my life for that stupid quote she read in my subprofile, maybe there's things that I do have pain for and again, I'm too coward to show them to anyone. Maybe I'm just the person that everyone ignores including myself ignoring my own feelings. I just want a shoulder to cry on and the only person I feel safe to do that around is Laura and she's fucking 2 hours away on a plane ride. Maybe I should run away. Wouldn't that be fun? I should run away and go visit Hopie in North Carolina and live with her and her cool friends for the rest of my life this way everything will be just fine, or I can always go down to Florida and find Erin, an online friend who I know nothing of but hell, it's a life better then the one I have. I'm sick of being pushed around by my OWN head and sick of being too big of a fucking COWARD to say my feelings to the people that need to hear them. I got a new CD today I should be happy right? Then why am I not? Happiness is something that has taken too long to find me and I gave up on it a long time ago, just like I gave up on 'God' or faith or hope or any of that stuff. Just like no one is out there looking out for you. YOU LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF AND YOURSELF ONLY! And when you have cowards and wimps like myself, then you're left with nothing, NOTHING. I may not be living in a trailer or beat by my parents or in a foster home to deal with pain or be depressed it happens to everyone and those that hide it, like myself, are what makes us the COWARDS. I hear it through my head all the time, every time I pass those knives in the kitchen they start looking more and more like my friends then the ones I have now. My life is a runaway train[thanks Matt for writing that song.] No one will save me or stop me, except myself, I can barely speak up, let alone save ME.