As the cries start to penetrate sill air, this day we celebrate. The wait now ends. From four corners smoke plumes into a reddened sky. In the face of lantern light, tonight my destiny lies. Saturday, I ended up drinking over at Andrew's house and just told my mother that I was spending the night there. But it was only three Coronas, just like everything else recently I lost interest in getting drunk and passing out. So while his two friends and brother were doing that I sat in the closet that was under the basement steps and enjoyed the whole not able to see in front of me while I cried and cut, again... I ended up leaving around one and for the rest of the night I lay on the bench on our front porch. Did not find any sleep, but just stayed in the position that one would be in when sleeping while staring up at the night sky and let my mind run to thoughts of death. I thought of the release I could find, that no one would be there to yell at me when I ask one too many questions, no one would ever doubt my intelligence or seriousness, not one person could look at me and laugh and there would be no "self image that they've forced me to reduce to shattered glass, with the only remaining value lying in its jagged edges." I would no longer have to please everyone in academics, in personality, in sports, if I only did not quit. There would be no more emotions for me hide, no more feelings for me to consume, just a release. They were only thoughts, a trance if you will, and I awoke from that trance with the purring of Friskie at my feet. And forced to look life in the eyes, yet again. "Never have I felt so dead." On Sunday, my mother dropped Nick and myself off at the movies since Nick was begging each day to go see Shrek 2 and no one wanting to listen to him talk of it anymore, my mom said yes and I was more or less forced to go due to my mother needing to go to Kohl's for shopping reasons. It was the typical little childrens movie and sequel, as it it did not live up to the original Shrek, but they did add Puss in Boots voiced by Antonio Banderas. One of the better animation characters in a movie as of late, after Crush of course. Then we had to go to Kroger for food shopping, I got tired of following them around so I walked down to Walgreens which was near the Kroger we were shopping at, remembering that My Little Davey was working at that time. While I was walking Mark and Brad pulled up behind me in the parking lot and started in our continous, never-ending fight, and I was in no state of mind after just getting yelled at for three minutes in the middle of an aisle to leave Nick alone, as in no touching no name calling no nothing to him when he was the one pushing me into the shelves or stepping on the back of my shoes on purpose or tripping me, and after five minutes of that and my not saying thing, I got irritated to the point where I yelled for him to stop, but the first person to get snapped at is me, nothing new with that. With every name they called me, or any statement in which they made I just stood there and said nothing in response. They left maybe ten minutes later after seeing that they had succeeded in getting me to cry. I did not want to cry in front of my mother or Nick so I continued to Walgreens, in full tears at this point. My Little Davey took a break from the photo center upon seeing me and walked me to the back of the store where the extra stock and everything was kept, but while walking with me he started singing This Time Imperfect. The other words that were said will remain with him and myself. I guess I have become weak as of late. Instead of anger and hate for everything and pushing back those tears, I let them find their birth "with nothing left to lose.." Katilyn told me to try and think back to when I was happy, when depression was not upon me and all I could find was the time in 5th grade when Dana was at the park with us and we were playing hide and seek tag kind of deal and I was never sought out for due to her doing something else with another girl, they all quit the game without my knowledge. Is it supposed to be that way? That you cannot remember one moment that made you absolutely over come with joy in the past years? I rely too much on other people to give me what answers I seek, the words I need to hear I only look to them and not to myself. Scott[My Little Davey], Attila, Katilyn, Aaron, Jessie - I apologize for being the one that you all must always listen to. I became dependent of your words and sought for things that none of you could deliver each time. "I will detach myself from you." I no longer want you all to feel that incredibly horrible feeling of being used. And now I must depart to get blood work done and stop at the hair place to have the strand test done, so then I will shortly be getting the hair turned the grand color of pink. Arlene asked me if I was giving it that color to rebel against my dad, I told her I was doing it because I cannot change the feelings that reside within me, I cannot change what has been troubling me, so I might as well change my hair since it is the only thing in my control to change. Your weakness kills everyone, so live. -_- This day so hallowed, from here to forever its will I will follow. Tonight will come to life. Deadened branches stirred by the whispers of the wind. Fall children fill the street at dusk, at last, it will all begin.