So much going on right now, I wouldn't even know where to begin in updating the diary. But I know one thing;; I am fucking serious this time. I've realized lately that my flaws don't mean as much to other people as they do to me. But I'm going to do it this time, everything... I'm going to work on myself. I'm going to improve, I'm going to fucking rock it. And I'm going to get exactly what I want. <3

I don't even know anymore. Everything and nothing all at once. I said when I could get everything back that I had then, I would be content. I've got most of it back and I've never been more bitter as I am now. It's entirely possible that it's because no matter how hard I fucking try I can't replace him, I can't feel the way he made me feel anymore. :( Take a good look at your life, And you'll see all the things you missed. Everything feels like it's coming together again, but it's not what I want anymore. Atleast this week is the last week of highschool for me, ever. Having a summer job is sweet too. I 100% garuntee that if I don't slow down I will be dead before summer ends.

Somedays I'll sit and think about how things would be different if I was soandso, looked like soandso, and had soandso's friends, did soandsos things. I often go as far as to create entire situations in my head and play them over and over. How my relationships would change, how everything would be easier if I looked different, if I was different, if I was more confident... it goes on. It's desperately creepy, but it gets me by. The thing is, 98% of the time I could have the situations I long for looking like I do, being who I am.. if I would allow it. It happens all the time. For instance, right now... there's this guy. I say I don't like him, I think I'm afraid of him. Actually I know I am, which is insane.. because he's a sweetheart. He's genuine, cute, cool, chill, and super nice to me. He would give me a chance, we've talked about it. We always talk about it, actually. He's even tried to initiate... physical contact, haha. It's just like.. I don't have the guts to go for it. In my dream world, everything is easy between us, and we move forward &get super close&all that. It could easily happen, but I CAN'T LET IT. &I don't get it. :( This has even happened before [with the love of my life] and I ruined that by not going for it. What if this guys the next big thing for me, and I ruin it too? Rawwr. I don't even really remember what happened since my last update. Did stuff, didn't do stuff. I slept, a lot.. and hung out with/saw a bunch of the old crew, which was cool. It's almost the weekend &I'm happy. Not going to school Friday, and there's no school Monday. I've established that minus the cool few that I LOVE, I really don't like sluts at all, infact I'm quite digusted by them. They fucking piss me off. The fact that everyone thinks I am one is horrendous. Funny though, so I let it slide. Since the start of the school year I have been called: Punk, prep, goth, hippie, slut, stoner, bitch, freak, etc... what is similar about those labels? I like that people think I'm crazy. Because I am. :] I'M STRAIGHT UP GANGSTER. I just excercised & it was lame. I need to get atleast half-assed in shape before the summer comes. Shit to do, man.

So why today was awesome, and why I can't wait to move off this island. : Didn't have to go to school. Woke up early, met up at the store and went to meet dad. Got to his house, it actually wasn't too bad. Stopped for Tim horton's coffee, which I alwwaaays hate, and for once is was really really good. The next exit we took I got a Rockstar energy drink, which they don't sell here, and it was awesome. Got dropped off at the mall, finally found the bathroom, the heart holding my thong together on the back broke and I was forced to go commando. Went to all the stores, found the beeest clothes for really cheap. Two skirts & probably 10 shirts, plus some flipflops. Saw soo many hotties at the mall. Friendly workers, too. And one store I was talking to the workers who were hot & had mohawks & they said I was cool, which was awesome, haha. "Why are all the cool freaks are from PEI?!" Got picked up, ate at Arby's... my favorite place, which they don't have here. Picked up can pop, which they don't have here. Got grape pop [in a plastic bottle] that they don't have here. Only my old fave. Drank Redbull, which they don't have here. I'm probably forgetting some things. And did I mention that drive actually wasn't that bad? It's alllways bad! I don't even get it. But pssh, I love it. :D Anyway, got home.. we went out drivin'. Stalked the important people. Saw a couple of my loves. Found out the pool is open 'til 10 so we must go next week for sure. &TOMORROW'S FRIDAY. gee. I don't know what to do with all these happy feelings. ^_^

Didn't go to school Thursday or Friday, & Friday night we went out. We decided to get stoned and see Scary Movie 4. I was disappointed by that, seriously. Saturday, is more important. Prom night. I took ecstacy for the first time, successfully. Obviously, since I'm not dead. When most people pop e, they do it rather spontaniously and recognize the risks. I, however, thought about it the entire day & night beforehand, figured I had about a 50% chance of survival, and came to terms with that. That scared me a little. The high was good. Better than from any other drug I've tried. I had fun. We didn't sleep at all Saturday night, we stayed in a crummy motel. I also got drunk beyond belief while on e, some crazy proud moments that night. The next day, I shouldn't have driven home, but I did. My eyes were still fucked like crazy, and I had just stopped drinking a couple hours before. Meh. Sunday I talked to.. someone.. who was once very special to me. I hope maybe we can be cool hangout buddies again. cheaah. I do awesome makeup. :]

I've had a few crushes, I've "liked" very few people... How many boys have I honestly, truly, loved and wanted with all my heart and then some? One. I saw him tonight. We walked in to the restaurant 'cause my friend wanted garlic fingers, and there he was standing in line with a couple of his buddys [one of which was hot, for the record.] He turned around, smiled, and laughed at me like he always used to. For him to even acknowledge FINALLY that I still exist was enough to kill me. All he has to do is flash his adorable little grin and I fall in love over and over again. It was months ago, and I'm still not over it. I'll never be over it. Every time I see him, I wish more than anything for a second chance. The odds are defintely not in my favor. He could be my everything. I rarely put anyone's needs ahead of mine, but I would make him and whatever he wanted my top priority. I would NOT let this boy go again. I WOULD NOT even give him the chance to think about it. When he poked his head around the corner the second time to laugh I died a little inside. And that's why I can't stand him. I know him, really well. I know basically everything. I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly. This boy is perfect. We proceeded to not get anything, make it look like we went in there to see him and make ourselves look lame, haha. I was then fortunate enough to see his girlfriend at Tim Horton's. Anyway, about the rest of my day. Went to school, was pissy all day because I didn't have enough sleep. I fell asleep during second and was woken up by someone I cannot even fucking stand to look at. Goddamn. 3rd and fourth periods were hilarious though, like they always are, and that made me a little happier. I napped, woke up & then we went out. Now I'm home & bored. I am addicted to MySpace and I wanna die. I'm staying home tomorrow 'cause I can, and we have Friday off. Extra long weekend. I'm 90% sure I'm expirimenting with some new shit after prom on Saturday, wooooh. ♥ I'll likely pass out or die before the clock even strikes midnight. 'til next time...

k, so my stomache is burning again, like crazy. If it starts to hurt as much as it did Saturday I'll probably just throw myself over the capes or something. Feels good to have a body that is useless. My bad. There's no school Friday. I'm not particularly jazzed by the thought of prom Saturday, but hopefully it'll be alright. After prom, on the other hand..♥. So I'm in LOVE with a kid in grade 10, who I've never had a real conversation with. Physically, flawless. Tall, thin, black hair that falls perfectly over his face every day. Cute, lead singer of a band, into weed & booze. This kid is perfect. Fuck. I'm boredering on the line of crazy obsessive. It's not 100% pathetic, though, because I never plan on making anything of it. He's in grade 10, and he has a girlfriend, the list goes on. It's just so much fun to love from a distance, you see only the good. More fun. Cheaah.

I am in love with Get Rich or Die Trying.I am in love with 50 Cent. I will marry that man. I will scream that from the rooftops. :D so sad about the concert. Sooo sad. :( So, as my instincts told me, my mom was keeping family issues from me. My aunt stopped in after we left my grandmothers and started talking openly about the issues, which I assume she thought I knew about. I was in a different room, however, so I'm not sure my mom is aware now that I know. The thing is, I'm often one of the very few who can handle family shit with any sense of rationality. I have no idea why I'm outside the loop on this one. No idea. Friday we skipped school, did bad things, blahblah. Hung out with nosey. Saturday I was in [unexpected?] immense physical pain, so decided not to party & we came home. Got some serious hookups that night though. I am VERY happy about that. This weekend looks promising. I am pissed at nearly everyone. I am cold. Inside&out. ;;; I am not looking to be alone forever. I am looking for the perfect mate. Is that so much to ask? I mean, really. ;p This is what dreams are made of...

Immediately and almost instantaneously you realize... that it's the outside that counts.

I love Johnny Cash. And not because I watched Walk the Line [although that was pretty good], but because he was so amazing. I can't get enough. So last night I read through some of my old diary and realized that for about a month of my life everything was extreme highs and lows and nothing in between. It was one of the greatest and most significant time periods in my life thus far, and it upset me. It upset me because it's over, because of the way it ended, because I'm too bitter to ever let it happen again. With those people, at least. [I then proceeded to copy&save all the entries from that diary, as someday I hope they will mean a lot.] I don't think one day goes by I don't think about the past, and hate it completely;; but love it at the same time♥. I'm currently on the search for something new, something greater... I'm so glad summer's almost here. Today after school I napped, we went out, I got a cookie and searched for candy but found nothing good, which I will complain about until I damn well get some. Now I'm here. I hope my mom's okay. I need to go read...

Next week is prom, I think. I had a terrible headache today, and everyone was pissing me off. My dad picked me up and took me out to eat today after school, then I came home and had a nap. Right now I'm bored out of my mind, nothing much to say. I want the weekend to be here plzthx. :[ It's true, the more you have going on, the less you want to write in here. Saw someone from back then. To rekindle the past with all it's pain and awful memories [along with the good ones], or to let it wither away? A new start? A new chance to fix things up? ♥

I just had one of the greatest weekends in a long while. So overdue, so awesome. It's quite possible that I had a funner Saturday than everyone in the entire world, and I hope this weekend is a repeat. Tomorrow my dad is taking me out to eat after school. I feel accomplished, or complete, or something. ... What if everytime you tried to sing, your voice came out cracked&broken? What if everytime you tried to speak up, you couldn't be heard? What if everytime you gazed into your reflection, your eyes burned your soul? What if everytime you thought of who you'd become, self-hatred was inevitable? What if everytime you gave love, you recieved hate? What if everytime you tried to be a better person, you were thrown down on your ass? What if everytime someone got close to you, you wanted to run? What if everytime you ran, you tripped and stumbled? What if everytime you took a chance, you were disappointed? &what if everyday, all these questions and thoughts crushed and destroyed all your hope & ability to feel even the slightest joy or happiness? ... Where da white women at?!

It is 2:08 am and I am happy to report that I just finished my english essay [and realized I have no ink.] Now, I have only got an entire novel to read before I am half decently caught up. Obviously, I am not going to be tackling that tonight. It's a little tough, really, as English is the only class I have to pass this semester to graduate and I got stuck with the notorious english obsessed teacher, in what is known as the hardest course to take in the school. This does not work out so well, as I am the most slacking and lazy person of all time, quite possibly. Basically I stay up every night until it is so late that I get 2-3 hours of sleep for school and though I felt well rested today, I was in a rather pissy mood. Almost everyone that came near me today made me realize I am living in a world full of incompetent morons who are barely worth the space they take up. However, going driving after my nap again tonight so we could get candy and a cookie made me happy, and having the english report done is a huge relief, and I am in a good mood. ...♥ Yeah, it's like that. So what the HELL are you waiting for?

So basically the weather is complete and utter shit. It's been rainy and cold since last week, which didn't cease for my 5 day weekend. Not entirely jazzed. It was basically a hurricane today, and I had to take the school bus, which meant a long ass walk outside. So school wasn't a whole lot of fun, and I was certain I was going to pass out because I was so exhausted, I got all dizzy and whatnot. It wasn't such a horrible day, though. And when I got home, I had supper followed by one of the best naps I've had in a long time, it was great. Then we went out to eat, and now I'm here. Basically, I'm lazy. Someone asked me to go on cam, and I realized.. I have one of those!, so I got down and hooked it up. Basically no makeup, and my hair a mess because I don't brush it on school days; and I had FUN. I pity da fool who says cams aren't fun. It's not like I have nothing better to do, I just don't wanna do it. Infact, I'm still currently avoiding my 6 paragraph essay that's due tomorrow, which serious marks will be taken off for lateness. I'm also an entire novel behind. Someday, when I'm confused as to why I made it nowhere in life, I'll look back at this and realize... shit, that's it.

I can honestly say I have no idea what I want. I love to bottle up what I'm feeling. Cheaah. So today my Meet your Meat DVD came in the mail, and I was extremely happy. I was basically running on an hour and a half of sleep all day, so it was nice to have something waiting for me when I got home. I skipped out on my tanning, because I was too tired. I was insane today, it's a blur. I felt drunk. I HAD THE BEST COOKIE EVER TODAY. And after supper, I napped, and it was great. Basically all I've done the last two evenings was sit infront of the computer with my iPod, listening to the same songs over and over, because I'm in that obsessive state of mind. I wanna live for now. Not for the past, not for the future. For me, and a little for those who I know I couldn't live without. So easy to say;; but I don't know how to do it.

Why I loved the perfect boy; Why he was actually only perfect to me;; Why I'll probably never find anyone who will mean to me, what he did;;; Why he'll never know;;;; We could relate, in almost every case. So much alike it was scary. Both crazy, angry, full of shit, partyharders... He has anger/control issues like crazy, but he would always let me calm him down. He knew me before I was who I am now. He liked me before anyone else did. He was into me when I was nothing and no one. He saw me at my worst, and at my best. He saw me at lower than my worst. HE SAW ME. He was the best cuddler in the entire world, and never pressured me into anything. Our hugs were something I can't even describe. He is bold, he is daring, he is loving, he is sweet. He is physically to-die-for, but he saw me. We had arguments almost every weekend about which of us was hotter. He told me I looked good when I was a monstrosity. We had arguments about everything, and they were adorable. We were so meant to be. He kissed me when he knew that's what I wanted, he kissed me when he knew I didn't want it. He always held my hand, because he knew how much that meant to me. One night, I told him to squeeze tighter, and everytime after that, he held so tight it hurt. He knew me, knew my secrets, knew my family, knew my past [and possibly even my future], knew everything there was to know... and still liked me... I was nothing! I had no one. He was perfect. More than I could ever ask for; And more than I will ever ask for again. I know we will never be together, and I know that I will never meet someone as great as him. Some of the best times of my life were with him. I'm a little bitter, still, that I ruined it... But mostly I'm just glad it existed while it did. :] I like to think about it, the good feelings I have towards him still overpower the bad.

I wish I could explain how, or why, I am barely hanging on right now. Everything is a lie.

aahaha, what a night. Friends, done. Mental breakdown... begins. It was a fun one, though. What a bunch of laughs! Thing is, I really just need to get back with my old friends, the ones that loved me. The ones I keep seeing around, but never get the chance to.. make up with? I think that's what I need to do, though I'm not 100% sure on what I need forgiveness for in most cases. I should make it up to 'em, anyway. Never hurts to show you care. Turning back to my old ways, finding that there is only one person there to catch me, whereas there used to be a ton of 'em. Atleast I've got one. What do people without best friends do? I'm going to be a better person... ..someday. :] Right now, drugs would be sexy.

I hate you, but I like myself. I seriously have issues with just about everyone right now. I simply cannot stand to be around everyone, they're all buzz killers. If I'm happy, everyone's pissing me off. I don't understand why everyone decided so recently to be a shitty friend, and I'm kindof pissed off about it. I wish I still hung out with all my old buddies all the time, they were so much more fun and for the most part, completely dependable. Dependable is important. Trust is important. I don't trust anyone, except my one best friend. And I feel bad for people who don't have her. I hate myself, but I like life. I can't deny that I've been having a pretty good time lately. Only when I'm with my best friend, but a good time is a good time. School hasn't even been all that horrible as I do not do anything whatsoever while I'm there. It's unfortunate that I'm not pleased with anything about myself. Sometimes I'm okay with me, but really.. just no. One minute I love my outlook on life, and my attitude but sometimes I just get so sick of myself. And I can't really even get into the way I look, as that would take hours to type out. I binge ate last night to the extent that I sat in the bathroom debating on whether or not to make myself throw up. It hurt to drink water, because I was so full. I ate horribley today too, and that makes all the effort I'm giving to look good a waste. A bloody waste. Just like everything else. I'm so close, yet so far. The last few pounds are always the hardest to lose, espeically during the week when I'm uber pissed at life. I went to get a tan today though, and I got 7 sessions. Excited about that. And, Ice Age 2 is only the best movie ever, saw it last night. Nearly died of laughter. I hate life, but I am content. Things haven't exactly been going my way. For a short while there, everythine was perfect. Even for a while after the perfect period, great situations and relationships deteriated slightly, but I was still okay with it because I knew full well things would not stay perfect. Unfortunately, after that period came this time.. and while I find myself happy at times, most of the time I'm pissed and angry as fuck because I just want something... ANYTHING to go my way. I even went through an emo, cry about life stage there... but I decided I'd rather be angry. I am not content, because I do not know what I want. It's no wonder really that I can't be happy. In the same sense, it's no wonder that people don't know what I want. I am indecisive, and I am completely unsure of what I want to happen. In relationships of sorts, friendships, everything. I don't know. I hate that people want me to know. I don't like pressure, but I put myself under it constantly, as does everyone else. I just wanna live. At the same time, it would be nice to know what I want to I could push myself in that direction and find some form of happiness, or atleast momentary gratification. I cannot express what I am feeling, but I know;; I rely on substance abuse. I love abuse. I cannot be happy with myself. I cannot be happy with anyone else. I am angry. Extremely angry. Bitter, cold, and FUCKING ANGRY. Things will get better.

Desire and infatuation. Luxurious and living the life. If I could get my hands on alcohol or drugs right now, of any kind whatsoever, I would self-medicate to the point of sweet satifaction. Releaaaasee meee.