tralaladeedum. just keepin the page going. not really sure why anymore. oh well. :) umm.. oh yeah. yesterday. valentines. I got a box of chocolates. whoopee. how boring. seriously, this guy OWES me a coupla dozen DIAMONDS to be even allowed the pleasure of my company. oh well.. oops. gotta go. time for class.

12", Holly, DragonYou scored 52 wisdom, 38 bravery, 10 emotional, and 11 martyrdom! Holly is a powerful protective wood that good for use against evil, but it also represents dreams and fertility. Your dragon's heartstring core makes your wand very effective in hexes. My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 83% on wisdom You scored higher than 68% on bravery You scored higher than 1% on emotional You scored higher than 8% on martyrdomLink: The Harry Potter Wand Test written by sputnik845 on Ok Cupid

I want something really cushy.

English GeniusYou scored 92% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 86% Expert! You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go! Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it! For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/. My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 33% on Beginner You scored higher than 62% on Intermediate You scored higher than 65% on Advanced You scored higher than 89% on ExpertLink: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on OkCupid Free Online Dating If only I was better... hah. Only good at one language, what use is that?? I want to be good at TWELVE languages, minimum. :-p :-D Those mexican kids don't know it but they've got my ass kicked, even though none of them can spell. How come I don't have a head start like that? Why didn't my parents try to exploit me when I was a child by forcing me to learn violin or something? Damn.. I've got zero in the head start department. OH well maybe I'll catch up.

oh yah.. and you know what? Doctors are way nicer to me than anyone I actually know. I think maybe I should go live in the hospital. That would be great. In spite of the fact that all the times I've been to see doctors recently totally sucked. That's okay though. At least they care. Funny.. they care more than me. And then I feel guilty. Verrry guilty. But I don't think it can help enough. I think I'll go cry now.. too late.. damn. that reminds me.. I was supposed to call a counselor a long time ago. Didn't. GUILT. And I still have an appointment to make up, because I missed one before. MORE GUILT. AND I OWE PEOPLE MONEY> GUIIIIILT!! arrgh.

Yay!!!! I signed in. I'm so prrrroud of myssself. :-D Haven't posted on here since... whenever. :-p Ermm.. so.. now what do I have to say that's even remotely interesting, you ask? I dunno, I tell you. Uh.. mainly I'm on here right now out of sheer lonliness and lack of better things to do. I have no one to talk to. Yay. My BEST FRIEND recently moved back closer to me, and conveniently forgets to give me his new number!! He was supposed to come see me!! LIKE A MONTH AGO!!! (MORE!!) Dumbass. I tried calling his family to get his number, but they're useless of course- I mean they've got like six kids, all boys, and therefore the place is chaos and nobody ever gives messages, even though they say they will, and they don't call you back and they delete you off the answering machine.. Grrah. So you know what? Screw em. Obviously I'm not important enough to talk to now that he's got himself a new boy toy. Even though we both promised each other that even if we didn't keep in touch with anybody else from high school, we would still talk to each other. Yeah right. Dumbass. Well, there goes another relationship down the tubes. Speaking of which.. my boyfriend left the country. NO phone number. Emails like.. every two weeks at best. Shit. I mean, I know that he had to go because his dad's like 90 and he's dying.. but leaving for indeterminate periods of time?? Not cool. Also down the tubes. Which is especially great considering it kinda started out in the crapper. Funny though.. even though I know that the smart thing probably would be to break up with him (although in fact it would be never to go out with him in the first place), at the same time I really miss having at least SOMEONE to talk to, and I keep thinking how if/when he comes back how I'll be such a sweet perfect little girlfriend and way better than before (and then hopefully he'll be nicer too..) and thinking about things I want to do for him and with him... I really just need a life, don't I? Instead of worrying about all the people who just aren't there and not having someone that I can call at like 3:00 in the morning.. (which really happens to be more like 10 or 12 to me because my shedule's fucked) and ending up talking to guys I don't really know who want to use me because they're the only ones around in the middle of the bloody night and I like to feel wanted or appreciated for something. I could be going somewhere, and damn well should too. But considering that it's me, I probably won't. Heh.. for the past month I've been talking to Army recruiters. Still don't know if I'm going to do it or not. (Or if I'll go to college instead, or, in fact, do anything..) I wasn't really serious about the military to begin with. I was just willing to let them talk about it and now it's gone a little further because I took some tests too. Now they want me to enlist and I haven't made up my mind. Might not be a bad idea. I kind of need somebody to kick my ass sometimes. Trouble is, I don't like it. And as far as the job goes, I'd be happy, but I really don't think I'm very much for all that military shit. I'm too soft. Too lazy. To foolish and whatever.. It probly wouldn't be a good deal. But what the hell, it's better than nothing, right? Definitely I have to do something.. We'll see. For now I'm going to bed. I had a long, boring, work filled day to recover from, and another one to start tomorrow. yay. But I have to earn more money, see... so I can blow it all on ebay aucions and clothes. Muy importante. :-p Yeah, like hell. Well, I do save a litte... like, I now have enough to buy about half a car which I wouldn't be able to or really want to (but do NEED to) drive. Err.. yeah. And I really really REALLY REALLY REALLY want to travel and learn some languages. Also too damn expensive. And of course there's those hazy worthless dreams of college and houses and.. stuff. Yep. Mebbe in another million years or so. Meh.. more like my next life. I think this one is doomed to be utterly pointless. Whee. Cya later, all you people out there who I don't know! Honestly, you deserve a medal for reading all the way through this rubbish. Yay for you. Give yourself a pat on the back for being a very very big time waster. Thx! Yeah.. wow.. shutting up now.. too much of this is just the PMS and the 4:01 a.m. talking.. bye.

Some people have something. Because they have courage to change. I am a coward. Perhaps if I did not give up, I would have something too. I would be happy. Instead I spend time with an older man His love is greater than mine I am a coward. I feel safe(r), better than nothing I probably will not leave him As I know I should. I feared my one great love He is gone away from me I am a coward. Now I have nothing. risk, struggle, loss, sorrow. only in foolish play. lies, deceit, immitation. a cage on a stage for the actress. a role created by her mother. always she refuses to face truth until it is over I am a coward. where is my intelligence?

wellwellwellywellwell. I miss writing. It's fun and I'm not too incredibly terrible at it. It's nice to have a place to speak, but I used to overdo it. It's especially not good because it takes so long, and no one else cares, and I stay up late to do it. But what the hell, I stay up late anyway. See, look what has happened to me? I sound like shit. Television has turned me into a moron. That's what I've been doing nights. I might as well do something better. But now I have no patience. I wonder why. I wonder most of all: Am I just deluding myselg again? Is it really so good for me to be in a relationship right now? Or with him? Or ever? Is that dream I had about my family being impossible in love the truth? I hope not. I hope it doesn't come true- I want my brother and his wife to stay together and be happy. They certainly do seem to be good together, so I don't think anything would happen. But he is "the good one" anyway. Just because he can get away without being totally fucked up doesn't mean I can. I'M kinda fucked up. Not totally, but not good just the same. Sure I can manage to deal with things most of the time, but not all the time, and then it's BAD. It's not acceptable to cry with no good reason, and it's not acceptable to not be able to get close to people. OR maybe it's just guys. I don't know. There's just something untouchable about them. Distant. Inexplicable. ALIEN. All boys are aliens. Something I can't understand. Not that I'm any kind of a genius for figuring that out- Mars and Venus. Captain Obvious stikes again. I spend so much time trying to re-discover things that everybody else already knows- or that even I have said before. I must be insane. Because I just don't know anything. I don't know how to see- I don't pay attention very well. Or what I see I don't know how to interpret. Another reason to come here and write more. Writing helps me figure myself out. And... everything. But I tire.

doopedoopedoo

just waiting for my next dose of vicodin, don't mind me. oh, by the way, i'm disgusting. just thought you might like to know. damn wisdom teeth.

boring boring.. just making an entry to make it look like this is active. but I'm not active so i have nothing to say. well actually that's a lie. I do. but I don't feel like taking the time since probly no one will read it. Today I tried signing up for ebay to take my buisiness online- easier than a website, or so I thought. But nothing was working. Damn technology.. Oh well. If I can get it to happen it will be great. Cause I need some extra dough. Too bad I have soo many things to spend it on. Nice new clothes. Music. Books. Snacks. My classes and a trip to Costa Rica. A trip to Vegas, my sister's wedding (I'm a bridesmaid, woot!!), my birthday trip to San Fransisco, a visit to my best friend up north... Not to mention a car, a computer, and a place of my own.. damn.. I'm poor. And life sucks. If only it weren't so much fun, I wouldn't have to worry about spending all my money. Work is retarded so I keep spamming myself by signing up for stupid bogus contests hoping that I can get something.. oh well.. Hopefully Barnes & Noble will hire me full time.. that would be great!!!!! I only turned in my application two days ago though.. I probably won't even hear anything for ages. But it doesn't hurt to try! And it beats the pet shop where I'd probably accidentlly murder all the fishies.. (I'm not turning that appliction in till I'm desparate I think.. not that they're likely to hire me since I don't know any of that fancy stuff..) ahem.. gtg make tacos and do laundry and clean my room and do my homework and practice karate and make jewelry and package a return and shop for my sister's bachelorette party (woohoo! fancy toys and naughty underwears!) and.. god knows what I've forgotten.. oh yeah! write e-mails.. and ask my mom to rent surf ninjas or pool hall junkies or legends of the fall, and listen to music and dream foolish dreams... sigh..

I haven't posted in ages. How boring, you say. Yes, I know, everyone always goes on about how they don't post. blablabla. So Here's what's happened since ages ago: (as if anyone was really desparate to know..) I have a job now. I work evenings at the drugstore, where I don't get nearly enough hours or money. (Although I have finally managed to buy the DocMartens I've been wanting for six years.. woot!! and I loves them so much..) Plus I've started taking karate classes, and a Spanish class at the local community college. So I'm busy half the time. The rest of the time I'm mainly bored, as usual. Except when I get to see friends, which doesn't happen enough- and will happen much less, since my best friend just moved, and practically everyone else is going away to college. Pooh. I still can't drive. I really need to learn. My dad still doesn't have a job so chances are I could be totally screwed in the near future, and it would help to have that one more bit of independance. Plus walking everywhere is exhausting when it's 2 miles to anywhere and I have to make 2 round trips sometimes. Not fun. My big event of the summer was going to San Fransisco with Richie. It was great. First we wandered around, lost, as usual, and I got sexually harassed by a bum. But then we found the Asian Art Museum, which was perfect since I have a thing for asian stuff. Then we hung out at his Uncle Tim's place, got drunk, went to Club X, where I was a wild woman. I ended up spending most of the time there making out with some guy. I don't even know what his name was, because it was so loud and he was hurting my ears. For some reason I get the impression that his name was Esteban.. or something ending with an O.. but I don't know. He was fucking hot though. And he had a weird accent. And I think he said he was from Concord. But I think that's all I can remember, besides the fact that he could kiss something dangerous. I gave him my number on a five dollar bill. He probably spent it on accident, like a dork. Or maybe he's just not smart enough to appreciate my incredible hotness. ;) Well, whatever reason, he didn't call me. Damn. I wanted to get laid. He would have fucked me good too, I know it. That boy had skill. I should have done it in the club when he asked me to.. :-p So sad. When the club closed we lost Uncle Tim and had to make our way back to his appartment ourselves. It was scary because we were in a yucky part of town and there were cops there. Really a wonder we made it home alive and didn't get arrested for drunkenness. Richie lost his wallet in the cab. Then when we got back we smoked pot. A lot of pot. That was the first time for me. and the last. I hated it. It made me anxious and annoyed. I just wanted it to go away, and it wouldn't- it lasted forever. Not to mention my brain was fucked for the next week. Never again. Still, it was an experience. The whole outing was pretty cool, on the whole. Too bad it took us forever and a day to get home, because we had to take the bus. We didn't get home until about nine o'clock the next night. Stupid bus it's way too slow. I need to drive. Bad. umm.. welll. I should go.. it's later than i meant to stay up, and my mom just bugged me a couple of minutes ago. stupid fucking people who won't stay asleep and in bed and won't leave me alone. earlier she got on me because of the computer. supposedly she got a bunch of popups and shit with like sex stuff, and of course it was my fault. she told me not to look at that stuff. I said nothing, but I was like fuck you, I'm 18, and I've always looked at whatever I damn well wanted, and what the hell, what is wrong with sex stuff? To her, anything to do with sex is always "nasty". wtf. She's so conservative it makes me want to puke. Be fucking human, for god's sake. It's not fair, making me feel all embarassed and guilty about something perfectly normal. None of her buisiness anyway. Bsesides, thinking about sex is about the only fun I have dammit! (Sad, huh?) :-p I hate my parents. They're useless. Anyway, yes, I have to go.

what is the purpose of all this?

I am full of shit. Yup. I get all fatalistic because I am not perfect and I don't live up to myself, and still I don't know how to try to change anything. This has to stop...

“To the Sadeian mind, Love is most often unavailable, is bitter, and is acquired only after painful struggle. The Sadeian notion of Love is something that cannot be acquired until one gains full knowledge of the self, and this in turn cannot be acquired until one is willing to come face-to-face with all of the horrifying images and realities we have stored within us. Sadeian Love is the pursuit of Eros, the Greek god of love, that for which our soul longs to join, that which provides the soul with inspiration and desire. ...for all the splendor and bliss associated with Love, there is also pain, emptiness, and longing, the value of which is equal to that which society claims to be desirable of love in the first place. To Sade, these are worthless unless and until we are ready to accept and experience Love’s ugly sides too..” This is the philosophy which I am oft inclined to believe. –but the Marquis de Sade!! Why in hell should I embrace Sadism, what am I, masochistic? At the same time, it’s partly true.. Sometimes, I don’t know what the fuck I think anymore

"Where there is love, there is no question; where there is a question, there is no love." -"No one can tell you you're in love, you just know it. Through and through. Balls to bones." (lol- delicately put, no?) now for the hard part.. letting it show. now's the time for me to stop whining and start smiling- or better, start talking..

I can't get it out of my head, but I'm not going to do anything about it... aaaaaaah. too afraid. nooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

I HATE being a senior. All the things I've missed out on I'm just starting to do. All the people I want to get closer to, and stick with, all will be gone in just a few months. Everything I've wanted all this time has been right in front of me, and I'm loosing it. then what..? I don't even know where I'm going to go, and what the point of moving on IS.. I don't really like the sound of even my best options. I just can't do it.

current mood: millitant hero, just wanting to come home “I’ll tell you what justice is. Justice is a knee in the gut from the floor on the chin at knight sneaky with a knife brought up down on the magazine of a battleship sandbagged underhanded in the dark without a word of warning. Garroting. That’s what justice is when we’ve all got to be tough enough and rough enough to fight..” (Catch 22)