At Tolo I was happy that I will get to dance with Rae and we left an hour early. For that short moment it made me depressed and at the same time I took it for granted because Rae was tired, but again, I suffer depression at the slightest moments. Even if Rae gives her morning hugs to people, even to girls, I don't care for it, but helplessly I turn away every time because of the depression it might cause. Its a trigger in my head, and it causes the most depressive thoughts too. I'm afraid to even write these thoughts, but I must let go of them. Thoughts of the child that Rae and I want, but that I cannot, or feel that I'm not ready to give because I go back to Berlin and then at the same time in that thought, knowing that Tristan lives here, is capable of giving that child and Rae talking about going out with him after I leave.