there's nothing really to write about. im not sleepy. its not irregular. i hardly ever am. plus its a weekend. i should be sleepy. i have no where to go. or nobody to visit. i should most definantly be sleepy. too bad im not. lajeffrey's mad at me. i have a problem in which i avoid or ignore people when things go wrong in my life. i am quite sure if they knew how i am when i am trying to cope they would stop bitching and simply let me do it. i hate being dependent. he wants me to let him help. certain things i have to do on my own. i fight emotional battles with myself every freaking day. if i let somebody help once, they gotta help twice. and they wont be there for every time iam have an "emotional battle". I used to wait on somebody to come and help. you know what happened? check the diaries. anxiety attack baby. i couldnt control it. i hate losing control. i wonder why me of all people abuses drugs if i hate losing control. on drugs i am never in control. maybe i like the fact that i cant control it and feel in control because i know it. maybe? well anyways life is good. real good. i dont think things could be any better. right now i am coping with the fact that i am losing a friend for the better. she is about to need me and i am about to leave her. you guys dont know how awful she makes me feel. she makes me feel almost invalid. i am tired of being everybody's invalid. from now on the invalid is on her own path. i dont need a companion. or a leader. im my own follower. guess if nobody understands what i am saying it is i am travleling this alone. well until next time. holla back