im scared.... my stepdad throws things at us and my mom stays with her friend at night while me and my baby sleep here. my step dad is a big man who works out about six hours a day (how he does it i have no clue) eats six times a day and Lord I just know im scared. hes angry all of the time and i dont know why and if you ask he gets angrier. im scared hes going to hurt me or my mom. or maybe well just go through another divorce. i dont want that either. im really scared he's just too big to be fighting and my boyfriend is out of town i think i even shake when he is around. so anyways i want somebody to show the police this if somebody comes up dead in my family. 408 s adams st in midland tx. pay attention to the news

hello everybody. yes i plan to downsize the pics but for now i have no idea how to. life is good for me and love is flowing. however my cheater roots are starting to raise big plants because to ex's are in town and u know im thinking bout it. pray for me. whoever you believe in. well let me holla yea i know its short but it dont matter luv always sugah

welp this is my actual last week of freedom. i will be enjoying my first holiday this friday and monday and then its back to school for me. back to work for me. back to a very hectic schedule, but now its even more a lil more hectic. i got the baby. me and my new boyfriend play a lil game called secrets. each night i tell him one of the lil secrets that has been dwelling in me for at least a year. lol. its real hard for me to express myself. its so embarrasing. people laugh at the way i feel and it makes me not want to do it again. that or they lack the understanding it takes to quite understand where i am trying to take them with my emotions. anyways we are getting really far with the game. i guess. he kind of doesnt respond, like he doesnt tell me how he feels about what i just told him so the next secret i am going to tell him is that i get angry and sad at the same time.... and then on another day ill tell him what it is that makes me angry and sad. but ill tell ya'll today. it makes me mad and sad at the same time that i am so in love with him and he doesnt feel the same. and if he does he doesnt say it. i mean im so confused. he spends the majority of his free time with me and the baby and is so sweet and generous and giving and loving and doesnt tell me a thing about how he feels. he just asked me to be with him yesterday???? does somebody understand??? well shit if yall dont i guess im stuck if yall do let me know luv always sugah

ever get that feeling to just grow some wings and fly away? or just dream for something better than the shithole your living in. i hate to sound like an unappreciative person but sometimes that is me. my mom gets on my nerves always acting like i dont know what to do with babies or like i was born yesterday and he came as a second gift. i just want to get out of her house so she cant tell me what to do anymore. i am so aware of bills and hardships that come with being a real "grown ass woman" but i really dont care anymore. this shinanaganz is getting old. i wish trey would just say, tara... run away with me. and we would do like a t.i verse and "get away" seems so damn impossible to even get out of this dreaded place. and its puttin me in the blues

happier times i had the baby and i was right how i was carrying i had a boy. and oh boy he keeps me oh so tired, this friday he'll be three weeks. i indangered his life by never telling my mother i was pregnant until i think five or six weeks until he was born. therefore i had no medical care, even though i just take prenatal vitamins because i do. back in the day they didnt have sonagrams so i know i didnt need one and i didnt have no diseases so i'm still fine and so is he. in a matter of fact i think he might be the smartest baby alive. he can scoot, and roll and he is definantly trying to hold up his little head. he was born 6lbs and 13 oz and 19 1/4 inches on friday february 11,2005. his name is tyree james shelton after his mother tara e. shelton. FUCK HIS DADDY who wants a test, knowing its his. his mom wants him though. ill post pics asap as for now heres a pic of me in the corner. luv always sugah

hey all beginning to think emotions are artificial since im on the Happy Pill and it seems to be controlling how i experiance everything. have a steady job with a steady pay check and life is fine, or so the pills tell me to say. havent named the baby, dont know if its a boy or a girl (it doesnt matter) its due on the 28th of january. might have fibroids, might have a type of abdominal cancer from having PIDS (pelvic inflammatory disease) for too long. believe it or not std's can go on undetected, plus PIDs can manifest itself in the body through an imbalance of hormones, and i cant say that hasnt happened to me. so on and so on that is what i tell the world. REALLY im struggling im not happy and i want to die. im on happy pills if i can remember to take them but ide rather just light a blunt. by the way im carrying im having a boy and really im real scared to have anything. fraid he'll be like his father or that she'll be like me. scared this is the end and my dreams stop right here. he (lajeffrey) hasnt come around. in fact he is back into denial. or am i. i keep dreaming that things will change and get better but then its back into reality, which by the way really sux. i could have kept lying but this is my diary i shouldnt have to lie to it. now i know without a doubt what it feels like to wear a mask. nobody knows who i am and i doubt anybody ever will because ME has been scared back into its inner hull of protection. Shame on you world!!! you bad bad place.

yup back at smokin, back at drinking, back at feeling sorry for myself. back at wanting to die, back at being very alone. IM BACK!!! FULL effects. high as hell. he dont love me. if u guys didnt know. things i did this summer pulled him away from me. he wants to send the baby to his grandmaws. fuck that. if i can have it i can raise it. he dont want me i dont give a damn. my baby well shoot. he should have a daddy regardless of mommas mistakes. i wanted him to love. and to always be there. now im drunk and high and want to die. i wont say woe is me. just a personal update. hey guys thanx for the comments. ill comment asap. bad girl on the keys. i type so good high its horrible. i guess when u live ur life one way u can do it like that. ill stop. i promise. till then IM BACK!! luv always sugah

ok im back from my long term in rehab. did anybody miss me?? thanx for the messages its nice to return to something spiritual or hopeful ya know?? well anyways i had lots of bad dreams that drove me crazy and shit, and was oding on a lot of things that just werent killing me or the baby. i spent hours sobbing uncontrollably, mad b/c they wouldnt give me what i wanted or w/e. i wont say im okay now. but jeffrey found me (by the way i was in VA) and we are fixing what was messed up. appearantly my evil half bro (the one that hates anybody i date) told him it was over between us when i started having my morning sicknesses and he recognized the signs. i thought that was crazy for jeff to believe. but how can i talk? when he told me i believed too. im not really all that okay now. but i have support now. not my mothers but totally my fathers. who lives all the way in va (im back in midland now). im in pain again, because my baby is growing outside of my felopian tubes, but we are waiting to see if both of us will be safe before we decide anything. i have my family and my friends and i guess thats enough. here's a new poem that i made in rehab this one is called lose myself (speaking to jeff) im running fast as the wind and getting no where my road never ends im just out there pray he'll come and save pray he'll be my hero pray he'll never fade pray he'll never let go watch me fall away watch my heart melt watch the sun rays watch me lose myself this one is called follow (speaking to death) where are you going take me too i wanna go with you travel raods untraveled alongside with heaven unafraid of unknown ready to tread the untreaden please dont leave ill be of serive and i need you so much its all hidden underthe surface ill follow you whereever you go cause i need you and you just dont know

i had a wonderful dream and when i woke up it broke my heart in two because in this dream i was sitting in bliss with you i slept for as long as i could but i just could not stay in dream and so i woke up and away went all my hopes and things i had a wonderful dream because i was sitting in bliss with you and to keep it this way dream all day is what i will do yea i know the poem is corney but its true. this morning and all last night all i did was dream about lajeffrey. it was like an unbelievable story because the screens kept changing homes but other than that other things stayed the same. jeff's best friend matt came to my house looking for some weed and he was like aww man jeffrey loves you to death. and i was like oh really i cant tell. i was still pregnant and matt immediately went for my stomach. he told me i was running and i told him that i was waiting. silly me. i was sitting here like a damzel in distress waiting for my prince to save me. when i woke up my prince was gone and i knew that he doesnt want to save me. so i went back to sleep pronto. and jeff came to me. he wisked me away to a far away place. hell we even got out of texas. we liveed happily for a while and then i went into labor. i woke up. ha. i went back to sleep woke up a mommy with a husband and a baby. it was beautiful. yea i know it was just a dream. but when i woke up and couldnt go back to bed i just started crying. i cried for so long. and then i took my meds. if somebody can read dreams tell me what this one means. luv always sugah

okay yesterday. instead of being the i wish girl i became the i do girl. it was nice. you see my "babydaddy" was online and you know he wasnt going to say anything to me and i was sitting there wishing he was. so i grabbed some balls and imed him. oh gosh it was heaven. we have alot to talk about, he thought we were still together and just doing out own thing. so now we have to re establish a standing. you know establishing that we are friends and parents and why. im sad. i wish our world was not such a bad one. i believe in God and i believe he should destroy us and start over again like last time. ive been being the fuck it just do it girl for a while. i mean i have nothing to lose. i asked evvan out on a date. he said yes. so right now im pretty happy. luv always sugah

somebody said that i should inlighten yall on what's going on with me right now. but i promise yall its boring and yall wont care. so far ive o.ded on bleach and expired asprin. but neither the baby nor me have died. sux right?? i have a lady who will help me get an abortion but she will not pay for it. nobody will and i am so broke and unable to get a job that im losing hope. im wondering if she'll just let me pay her back b/c it will take me two or three weeks to get all the money and that time i do not have. i think maybe she simply does not have the money to lend. im not sure though. i wish help would appear. basically i am alone and lonely. there are no men in my life. but my girlfriends stop for a visit. ive realized that maybe before now my whole life's been a lie. everything i did was real and to protect me i told myself little lies or was lied to. i realize that maybe i never knew quite exactly what i was doing and just assumed. i figuere ive been in love but it doesnt matter b/c it got me no where. and maybe when i think i am in love again i will not say it b/c my love doesnt mean much later. my love is not deep enough. maybe b/c i am too selfesh and vain to feel love like that long and hard when the relationship is gone. or maybe just maybe living has made me this way. i dunno. and maybe this is why life is a lie. luv always sugah

i wish life was like the sims. and you could see on a meter how much somebody liked you and visa versa. i wish you could see how social you feel and everything else the sims shows you that real life doesnt. i guess im stilll a non reality girl. reality is so cruel though. ide much rather live in a dream state. sincerely sugah you know what?? maybe i dont believe in God anymore. its weird. after a while you just give up hope and you cant even believe in what used to work for me. its funny how when i was about to change my life around i get stuck with something so damn useless. hate me if you want people but i dont really like children, and can hate the ones that are mine. i never planned to have kids so why am i stuck with one now?? i know where athiests come from. if there is a God regardless of choice why am i hurting so much b4 ive even made one??

CELEBRATION THIS IS ENTRY 100 i left comments but not on diary entries. and im really sorry bout that but i dont feel like anything i can say would be of help to you. i dont feel so sick anymore though i have my times and i dont feel so depressed anymore but if you leave me alone i can dwell till the cows come home. in fact now i have nightmares. i cant sleep alone anymore. i wake up in this thick sweat. only two dreams have made sence to me. the one with jeff in it when he's ignoring me and making me feel so low. and the one with brad when he is giving me a reason to be afraid to fall in love with him. i know what i said earlier. about not caring about jeffrey and all but i guess that was a lie. i mean i dont want to be with him or anything like that but i do require some answers as to why things are like they are. i mean i think i will always care about him and i do miss him, but i could let him go if i only knew why i had to. now about brad. he's always liked me. but he's the type of guy that is bad for your health. he knows that i am pregnant though i have no idea why he is still here. i told him that in my predicament. being pregnant and suicidal and all. that looking for a boyfriend that is not a safe bet should be the last thing i do. im a cutter now. i like it. it feels good and nobody sees the scars. well im boring myself now. but this is your update. luv always sugah reminder this is entry 100

im naming this one truthfully because its time that maybe i told the truth. for those of you who dont know me my name is TARA Elan Shelton and i live a very dark and secret life. you know the type that make you go into depressive fits sometimes that takes you forever and a day to get out of?? because your life is so secret. such a mystery. you cant really tell anybody who you really are. nobody really knows you. and you dont wear faces you just dont talk. yea thats me. ide like to be honest with myself right now. i am a slut. because i look for love. in all the wrong places. believe me no guy loves you and if he does it wont last long enough for it to matter much anywho. and now i am not only just a slut, well i prefer the word hoe because i am not really sure what a slut is. but anyways i am a pregnant hoe. who has been lets just call it knocked up. because though the father knows he has a baby on the way he is not doing anything in his power to communicate with me. and rather than be avoided and mistreated i allow it and act as if i enjoy. i dont try to contact or communicate with him either. maybe i am such a good actor i believe myself now or maybe it is true. i dont need him here i am tired of being pregnant. and i am tired of always being not in control of it. i wont say i know for sure that i am pregnant either, but then its just denial. i havent had my period is a good four or five weeks and i havent taken a test to see why either. i need a way out, an escape. the only one i can think of right now is death. but death is so final. do i really want to die?? no what i want is to be strung out someswhere in a mental home not knowing where the hell i am. truthfully i dont want to be me anymore. i think i might hate me. truthfully anyways luv always sugah

i am so glad that life goes on rather people take the time to remember you or not or i would be a very non existant person. seven days between diary entries and only one reply. i so see the love. and thank you very much for that comment bottledemotion. not only was this the only reply but i didnt get phone calls from anybody for at least a good week after everything had been planned out. another thing, i think me and jeffrey are over. we dont talk much at all, and when he asked me yesterday why come i couldnt call i was so drunk i couldnt answer and he just knew that i was not going to. im not going to, so he shouldnt hold his breath. im the sick one here, he should be worried about me. anyways i was constipated. i never went to the hospital and my system is still not regular. my period is three weeks late, and the problem is i dont even care. a damn shame isnt it. its a real shame how i look. im a mess from head to toe. lazy in every way i hardly ever want to eat, take showers, or even brush my damn teeth. maybe its summer syndrome and the fact that ours is boring. i have no clue. well im blabbering so ill end this luv always sugah

all i do ever is burp. burp burp and more burps. i should do some studies and see why i am burping so much. i miss lajeffrey. alot. i wish that he would just pick up the phone and ease my worries. today, nobody called me. but my brothers came to visit. i know i wasnt supposed to but i did and i got high. i brought myself back a lil drink too. nothing but a bacardi silver, nothing intoxicating (though i wish it was). since its obvious that lajeffrey isnt calling me tonight i wish somebody would. anybody but trey. the fact that he is always so near but not lajeffrey is starting to get on my nerves. i wish that somebody would say hey put on some clothes im coming to get you. we can do whatever is possible at one in the morning. that would be nice. i would like to say i am bored, but because i want to use better figuerative language skills and bored can mean anything i wont. ill say i am lonely and in search of a certain somebody to cheer up that problem. well since i am not saying anything important ill go ahead an end this entry luv always sugah

Dear Diary My body has been and is in so much pain. I have no idea what is going on. I am often sick to my stomach with pains in my kidneys it feels like. I discovered that at one time it was gas, well burps anyways after taking some Tums, but other than that I am still in pain. It didnt stop me from eating though. I made myself a breakfast burritto. When Trey called I told him how my kidneys hurt and he brought me some water and cranberry juice, a gallon of each (I am starting to think that he spoils me). Later that night, he made me sauted shrimp. I helped him skin and devain them, the shrimp was awesome. I spent the night with Lajeffrey and I think that maybe I have a virus or something because his stomached started hurting after I kissed him and continued sitting by him. I'm just not sure what is going on and I am afraid of hospitals, so I don't want to go see what is medically wrong with me. Plus there are some other things going on that I don't want to speak on. yesterday i did this guy a favor by letting him come over and use my pc right?? well like i said trey bought me this big ol gallon of water and a liter of water. i had just now opened the liter and was drinking that. he wants some water and im like drink the liter and he looks at me like are you sick?? that really hurt, it means he wonders where my mouth has been. his girlfriend who is supposed to be my friend is the one who pointed out the look on his face and acted like that was okay. i say fuck both of those snotty ass people and i wont be waisting my time trying to be polite anymore. Sincerely Sugah

i wish i wasnt so afraid of hospitals. or i should would go to one. i wonder what kind phobia that is. it doesnt matter, until im dying im not going. it seems like every time i feel like i am dying of pain or whatever i get to the hospital and the wait is so long that i just get better or w/e right there in the hospital before i even see a doctor. and the only reason that i dont leave is so that i can get a doctors excuse as to why im late to school the next morning. im in this tech class right now. and im getting aggrivated. it seems to be two girls, in a lower grade than me. one talks alot but never knows what she is talking about, and the other one thinks she is so cute that if she touches her she has to get all rude. im trying to be peaceful because none of this has anything to do with me, but damn somebody needs to reality check her. maybe its that it is so early in the morning that their lil quirks are bothering me. another thing is she has these huge feet (the cocky one) like she can paddle to china from texas with those things. and the other has this big dopey look on her face as if maybe she has down syndrome. anyways life is okay aside from the pains and other things going on. i would be better off somewhere strung out on nortabs though if you ask me. well ill update later if i slap this bitch through a screen. luv always sugah

maybe you dont know my history. but to sum it all up i am a product of a divorce. i am the product of denial. and please avoid my mistakes. these terrible hauntings that affect who i am every day of my life. Dear Diary 3:34AM sometimes i realize why iam doing some of the things that i do. sometimes i just breakdown and i cry because i just saw the root of my pain. sometimes i wonder why my daddy isnt home. you know.. how come i wasnt good enough for him to stay?? what exactly did i do wrong?? alot of the time i never realize just how much i need him to be daddy and not just my personal bank account. and sometimes i want mommy to fix it like she did when i was two... you know. make it all betaw. today i watched antwuan fisher, today i saw my pain, today i connected with all of that pain. today i cried on trey's chest, today i simply bawled, and today i saw yet another fucking problem with myself. i try to make them love me. they as in the men in my life. all of them. no matter how much they ment or did so little in my life. approval. the big OK. i never thought ide be "the girl looking for love", but then again. i dont think i ever realized just how much i needed it either. sincerely Tara

yesterday was officially the beginning of summer vacation for all midland students. it was real nice to know that if i go to bed early it's not because i have school in the morning!! other than that. i dont feel special at all, and well im chillin, not bored. just got back from graduation and ready to go to this swimming party. things are moving real slow though. omg when i put that fucking nair on, five mins later my legs starts itching like crazy. i thought i would take it off too early if it didnt stop. im a soldier (or an idiot) so i didnt. i just ended up scrubbing really hard (basically scratching with a scrub) in the shower. have you ever thougt what it means when somebody tells you they are about to go take a shower. it means i am about to go get naked and rub soap and water all over my body. i finally thought about why my boyfriend always smiles at me when i say be back taking a shower and asks can he join me. its a turn on for some people. if your boyfriend is hot like mine. a turn on all the time. ha sorry i guess im just trying to keep my mind running. anyways. life is fine i guess. the house is finished. well all of the major stuff and now all that is left is the bills bills and more bills. damn i hate those. another thing. i bought a totally steller outfit. its a full body suit with the bunjy cord bottom (capris) with a halter top in aqua blue with silver pumps. well that is all i have to say for now. luv always sugah ps me and the love life are workin okay, aside from a few mood swings on my side