ive fucked up so bad i want to go into my shudda cudda wudda mood. but unfortunately or fortunately (the out come i shall see tomorrow) i can not. ive lost all pity, I realize how very responsible i am very my every action. and how people treat me, im responsible for that too. its a damn shame that i am. b/c appearantly i am not a very responsible individual. oh well im in this pissy ass mood b/c right now all me and lajeffrey are doing is fighting, and i am scared b/c i dont want it to be over. i feel like a little girl again, i used to be afraid when my mom and step dad fought b/c i didnt want to go through another divorce. i guess to this juvenile mind, fighting means divorce. and well me and jeff arent married but damn he's got all of the stuff that they have in those marriages. i dont know how to tell him how scared i am and how much i care. i was not raised to express feelings without tears. and i dont want to cry anymore. that's why i fight, i dont have to cry. or everybody knows the "angry tear". a friend of mine lost her babies today. she was pregnant and had a stroke. i never understood why she would allow herself to get pregnant in the first place. i mean she's a paraplegic, she cant walk to the baby in order to help. i met her through the community service that i do. i know she's really sad about it, and the stroke has her mouth crooked. i want to help her, but i cant and i hate that. i talk like she is young. guys this woman is like forty something. or being paralized has left her older looking. her husband is a good man. i just dont understand it. they have no money, no home, but they would get pregnant with twins. how unresponsible. but then again. look who's talking. i dont want to bore anybody. but then again this is my diary. the word of the day must be " but then again" b/c that is all i have been saying all day. Jeffrey told me call him when i am back in midland, which means dont call untill then. but he is always worried about what the fuck i am doing?? i dont understand. i know i will call but will i regret it?? i hope not. luv always Sugah ive decided that i dont want to die at all. in fact i am just ready to get a job. i have a plan. have a job for four months spend absolutely none of the money and then leave this town. me and my friend lawrence. get a good fresh start. i know we can make it. vaya con dios i guess.